1
00:00:02,293 --> 00:00:03,619
Whit, don't do this, all right?
2
00:00:03,744 --> 00:00:05,422
Taking pictures at a crime scene?
3
00:00:05,588 --> 00:00:06,755
It's creepy.
4
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,675
Staring at a lifeless body
with dead eyes.
5
00:00:08,841 --> 00:00:11,060
It's going to be fine.
I've shot models before.
6
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:13,430
Come on, there has to be
other jobs out there.
7
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:14,890
There's not.
Okay?
8
00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,531
I used to shoot, like,
three weddings a month,
9
00:00:16,656 --> 00:00:18,033
but people just do not
hire photographers anymore.
10
00:00:18,158 --> 00:00:20,435
They just use their iPhone
or that hipstamatic thing
11
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,940
that makes everybody
look like Chloe Sevigny.
12
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
It's a really tough time right now.
13
00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:26,140
No, it's been like this for awhile,
14
00:00:26,265 --> 00:00:27,736
and I have nothing
lined up after this.
15
00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:29,696
Look, you're putting
too much pressure on yourself.
16
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:30,778
Why don't you let me pay your bills
17
00:00:30,903 --> 00:00:32,563
- until things pick up?
- No.
18
00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:34,826
I mean, thank you.
19
00:00:34,992 --> 00:00:36,078
But I do not want to rely on you.
20
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:39,748
I don't want us turning
into ice-t and coco.
21
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,155
That's actually impossible
for several different reasons.
22
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,128
Well, not several.
Just two, in particular.
23
00:00:45,294 --> 00:00:47,427
When I start making money again,
24
00:00:47,552 --> 00:00:51,297
that is going to change.
25
00:00:51,422 --> 00:00:52,772
I meant your ass.
26
00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,302
Whitney is taped
27
00:00:57,427 --> 00:01:00,185
in front of a live,
studio audience. So...
28
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:04,606
Hey, Whitney.
29
00:01:04,772 --> 00:01:05,773
Hey.
30
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,446
Thanks for hooking me up
with this job.
31
00:01:07,571 --> 00:01:08,360
No problem.
32
00:01:08,906 --> 00:01:10,915
Okay, now the first time
you a dead body, it's weird.
33
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,683
So just think of it
like a horror movie,
34
00:01:12,808 --> 00:01:14,986
except the blood is real
and someone's very sad.
35
00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:17,388
Okay, this is dark.
36
00:01:17,513 --> 00:01:18,556
I don't know how you do this.
37
00:01:18,681 --> 00:01:20,622
Yeah, I cry at really weird times.
38
00:01:20,788 --> 00:01:22,708
Aren't you cold, where's your jacket?
39
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,562
I rushed out of the house.
40
00:01:24,687 --> 00:01:26,530
I hooked up with this girl last night
41
00:01:26,655 --> 00:01:27,865
and I didn't want to talk to her,
44
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,344
She said, "supposably."
45
00:01:34,510 --> 00:01:37,222
You've got to stop
picking up girls at forever 21.
46
00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:39,209
I know.
47
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:40,911
Uh, so you need to get close-ups
48
00:01:41,036 --> 00:01:43,612
of the contusions, the evidence,
and the surrounding pavement.
49
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,398
Uch, this is so sad.
50
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,514
How long has this guy
been dead, like two weeks?
51
00:01:52,111 --> 00:01:54,414
The victim's right over there.
52
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,829
All of the assistants
I interviewed today sucked.
53
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,798
I hope I have an assistant one day.
54
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:06,918
But I have a blog,
so that probably won't happen.
55
00:02:07,084 --> 00:02:09,171
There was one guy
who was totally qualified,
56
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,939
but way too good looking.
57
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,174
I mean, I learned my lesson.
58
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:14,843
Sue me twice, shame on me.
59
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:18,805
- Shabbat shalom.
- Hey, Shabbat shalom.
60
00:02:18,971 --> 00:02:20,414
Sorry I'm late.
61
00:02:20,539 --> 00:02:24,478
I was uploading photos I took
of a dead guy with no head.
62
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:28,356
Ooh, are you making
a coffee table book?
63
00:02:28,522 --> 00:02:32,194
I am not, I was shooting
a crime scene for 85 bucks.
64
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,493
Because this is what
my career has come to.
65
00:02:34,618 --> 00:02:35,862
It's, like, it's so depressing.
66
00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:39,659
I'm just so sick of the
constant hustle and being broke.
67
00:02:40,187 --> 00:02:42,496
Roxanne, don't you know
of any job openings?
68
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,168
- You mean to be my assistant?
- Yeah.
69
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,753
I'll take it.
70
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,009
Hold on, slow down.
71
00:02:51,134 --> 00:02:52,311
You have never even
worked in an office before.
72
00:02:52,436 --> 00:02:53,840
It's very intense.
73
00:02:54,006 --> 00:02:55,280
People are competitive and political.
74
00:02:55,405 --> 00:02:56,802
There's lots of back stabbing.
75
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:57,950
Okay, Roxanne, you don't have
to sell me on it.
76
00:02:58,075 --> 00:02:59,888
I said I want the job.
77
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,453
Is this your only option?
78
00:03:01,578 --> 00:03:03,308
I mean, are you sure there's
nothing else you could do?
79
00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,684
I used to work at a bar.
80
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:09,314
No, no, no, I cannot
see you in those shorts again.
81
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,442
Okay, fine.
Do you have any experience?
82
00:03:12,608 --> 00:03:15,112
Being your assistant?
83
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:16,533
I always make
our dinner reservations.
84
00:03:16,658 --> 00:03:18,302
I always pick your karaoke song.
85
00:03:18,427 --> 00:03:22,405
And I gave you all my
painkillers after my root canal.
86
00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:23,453
You got the job.
87
00:03:23,619 --> 00:03:24,607
Yes!
88
00:03:24,732 --> 00:03:26,623
Wait, is there a drug test involved?
89
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:30,971
- No.
- Yes!
90
00:03:31,096 --> 00:03:33,571
[Humming]
91
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,469
♪ Oh when the saints
go marching in ♪
92
00:03:39,913 --> 00:03:43,192
Oh, my God.
Jenn, I, uh, I just, uh...
93
00:03:43,317 --> 00:03:44,960
I just worked a 14-hour shift,
94
00:03:45,085 --> 00:03:48,520
and you are right where
I left you, in my apartment.
95
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,432
And you are wearing
my '88 all-star sweatshirt
96
00:03:51,557 --> 00:03:55,103
that you somehow
got out of the frame.
97
00:03:55,228 --> 00:03:57,471
I was cold.
98
00:03:57,596 --> 00:04:01,709
Well, so, you probably
have plans tonight,
99
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,994
and I don't want to keep you, so...
100
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,954
Aw, you're so sweet,
but I'm totally free.
101
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,449
Hey, I was trying to use
your computer earlier,
102
00:04:09,574 --> 00:04:10,817
but I couldn't figure out
103
00:04:10,942 --> 00:04:12,210
which wireless network we're on.
104
00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:14,721
Are you "Netgear,"
"Nate's coffee," or
105
00:04:14,846 --> 00:04:16,464
"balls to the wall"?
106
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,552
It's "Nate's coffee."
There's a one-hour time limit.
107
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,330
Okay, great.
108
00:04:24,455 --> 00:04:25,849
So what do you want to do tonight?
109
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:30,502
It's supposed to rain.
Supposably.
110
00:04:30,627 --> 00:04:32,371
You know, um, I was just
going to kick it here.
111
00:04:32,496 --> 00:04:33,572
Because I actually have to get up
112
00:04:33,697 --> 00:04:34,733
really early in the morning, so...
113
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,067
Even better, yeah.
114
00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:40,113
Let's stay in and get
cozy-coze on the couch.
115
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:45,050
We are so on the same page.
116
00:04:45,175 --> 00:04:46,617
Are you a cancer?
117
00:04:46,742 --> 00:04:50,332
Nope.
But I think you might be.
118
00:04:54,684 --> 00:04:56,046
Whit, did you make coffee?
119
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,362
No, I did not make coffee,
120
00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:00,364
because I will be
going to my new job today
121
00:05:00,489 --> 00:05:02,260
where they have free coffee.
122
00:05:02,426 --> 00:05:03,567
Which you will be making,
123
00:05:03,692 --> 00:05:06,264
because you are an assistant.
124
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,538
I will be doing
plenty more than that.
125
00:05:08,663 --> 00:05:09,806
Won't I?
I mean, I don't know.
126
00:05:09,931 --> 00:05:11,007
I've never had an office job before.
127
00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:12,442
I've only seen the show, The Office,
128
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:17,275
so I can only assume
my day will be hilarious.
129
00:05:17,441 --> 00:05:19,849
Are you nervous?
About being home alone all day
130
00:05:19,974 --> 00:05:21,451
without me here to take care of you?
131
00:05:21,576 --> 00:05:23,281
Oh, please.
I'll be fine.
132
00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:24,902
Okay.
133
00:05:35,755 --> 00:05:38,200
All right.
134
00:05:38,325 --> 00:05:40,922
Coffee time.
Time for coffee.
135
00:05:42,929 --> 00:05:44,905
[Whistles]
136
00:05:45,030 --> 00:05:46,031
Oh.
137
00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:51,613
Where the hell is the coffee?
138
00:05:54,895 --> 00:05:56,617
All right, so this is your desk.
139
00:05:56,742 --> 00:05:58,185
Wow.
140
00:05:58,310 --> 00:05:59,419
And this is your chair.
141
00:05:59,544 --> 00:06:04,290
No. Ah, I am so excited
to be working with you.
142
00:06:04,415 --> 00:06:05,573
Me too.
143
00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:07,693
I mean, technically
you'll be working for me,
144
00:06:07,818 --> 00:06:10,495
but it is going to be fun.
145
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,065
Basically, you will answer the phone,
146
00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:13,498
spy on my enemy, and do some filing.
147
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:14,958
I'm sorry, what was the second one?
148
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:16,501
I have an enemy.
149
00:06:17,592 --> 00:06:19,087
- Okay.
- It's this guy, Craig.
150
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,639
I do the print
edition of the magazine,
151
00:06:20,764 --> 00:06:22,007
Craig does the online part.
152
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,758
And we don't like the online part.
153
00:06:23,924 --> 00:06:25,677
Okay.
Why?
154
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,946
I work on an issue for months,
155
00:06:28,071 --> 00:06:29,648
and he uploads something in a day
156
00:06:29,773 --> 00:06:31,949
which unravels
everything I've been doing.
157
00:06:32,074 --> 00:06:33,184
Like, right now,
I'm trying to work on
158
00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:34,618
the Valentine's day issue,
159
00:06:34,743 --> 00:06:36,396
and I don't have any idea
what he's got planned.
160
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:40,442
So you want me
to do a little office recon?
161
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,127
Roxanne, spying on guys
is, like, my thing.
162
00:06:43,252 --> 00:06:44,495
When we first started dating,
163
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,764
Alex almost broke up
with me for snooping,
164
00:06:46,889 --> 00:06:49,022
and he doesn't even know
that I know that.
165
00:06:52,894 --> 00:06:56,973
You can start by
spying on his assistant.
166
00:06:57,098 --> 00:06:58,918
- Morning, Lindsay.
- Roxanne.
167
00:07:00,961 --> 00:07:01,713
Hi.
168
00:07:02,369 --> 00:07:03,370
No.
169
00:07:04,638 --> 00:07:06,848
[Phone rings]
170
00:07:06,973 --> 00:07:09,818
Hey, I'm working right now.
171
00:07:09,943 --> 00:07:11,264
Yeah, I'll probably
be here late tonight.
172
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:13,558
Big kiss.
Bye.
173
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:15,852
Is that your boyfriend?
174
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,353
Girlfriend.
175
00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:19,794
Oh, cool.
176
00:07:19,919 --> 00:07:20,982
I'm gay too.
177
00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:23,485
I know.
178
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:30,533
You know, we should
grab a drink sometime.
179
00:07:30,699 --> 00:07:32,952
Oh, you're not my type.
180
00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:36,039
No, sorry.
I meant just as friends.
181
00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:37,665
Still not my type.
182
00:07:39,291 --> 00:07:41,668
You know, I was thinking,
like, maybe just as co-workers.
183
00:07:41,793 --> 00:07:43,570
You know, we could talk
about work stuff,
184
00:07:43,695 --> 00:07:44,804
and, you know, what we're working on
185
00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:46,591
for the Valentine's day thing or...
186
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:49,676
I'm not physically attracted
to you in that way.
187
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:53,890
I'm really sorry. I don't
get the whole thing, I don't...
188
00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:55,948
Oh, okay.
Um, no, I was just...
189
00:07:56,073 --> 00:07:57,183
You don't have to worry,
190
00:07:57,308 --> 00:07:58,937
because I actually
have a girlfriend, so...
191
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:01,287
Her name's Alex, you know.
192
00:08:01,412 --> 00:08:04,390
Long hair, wears a lot of flannel,
193
00:08:04,515 --> 00:08:06,027
doesn't really shave much.
194
00:08:06,193 --> 00:08:07,660
Okay, you're not going
to stop talking
195
00:08:07,785 --> 00:08:09,072
until I agree to get drinks with you?
196
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:13,284
Oh, I'm sorry.
My mouth just doesn't stop.
197
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:17,539
Maybe you are my type.
198
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:23,503
Hey.
199
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,109
Found a waffle iron.
200
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:28,179
Great, why are you making waffles
201
00:08:28,304 --> 00:08:29,467
in the middle of the afternoon?
202
00:08:29,633 --> 00:08:30,747
No, I'm not.
I'm just trying
203
00:08:30,872 --> 00:08:32,183
to figure out where
Whitney keeps everything.
204
00:08:32,308 --> 00:08:34,718
It took me 20 minutes to find
the coffee filters this morning.
205
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:35,852
This used to be my place.
206
00:08:35,977 --> 00:08:37,321
I used to know where everything was.
207
00:08:37,446 --> 00:08:40,812
And now I find tampons where
I used to keep my winter gloves.
208
00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:42,559
I know, when lily and I
moved in together,
209
00:08:42,684 --> 00:08:44,441
it took me forever
to find my dart board.
210
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,243
- Oh, where'd she put it?
- The trash.
211
00:08:49,389 --> 00:08:50,390
Yo.
212
00:08:52,059 --> 00:08:55,410
I am in a code red situation, man.
213
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,206
Jenn turned our one-night stand into
214
00:08:57,331 --> 00:08:59,140
a two-day stay.
215
00:08:59,265 --> 00:09:02,711
So I told her that I have
hockey practice tonight.
216
00:09:02,836 --> 00:09:04,169
And she didn't get the hint.
217
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,448
Well, your excuse is too short-term.
218
00:09:06,573 --> 00:09:10,091
There's a clingy girl
in Ohio who thinks I'm dead.
219
00:09:10,257 --> 00:09:11,587
Clingy's the worst,
that's the problem.
220
00:09:11,712 --> 00:09:13,588
She's super hot,
but the second you start
221
00:09:13,713 --> 00:09:15,690
acting needy, I'm done.
222
00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:17,157
And I need to handle this
very carefully,
223
00:09:17,282 --> 00:09:19,392
because I don't want
to see this girl cry.
224
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:20,695
Yeah, a girl crying is the worst.
225
00:09:20,820 --> 00:09:21,762
That's one of the things
I love about Whitney.
226
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:25,398
She ran out of tears a long time ago.
227
00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,775
Well, now I can't go down
there for another three hours.
228
00:09:27,941 --> 00:09:29,152
I'll get rid of her for you.
229
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:31,771
Really?
Oh, man, that would be great.
230
00:09:31,896 --> 00:09:32,989
What are you going to say?
231
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:34,157
I don't know.
I'll think of something.
232
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,910
All right, good luck.
Be careful down there.
233
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,329
Mark, you're coming with me.
234
00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,289
Oh, man.
235
00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:42,456
Hey.
236
00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:47,586
I'm telling you,
"died in a car crash" works.
237
00:09:47,711 --> 00:09:49,788
As long as you don't mind
passing a shrine to yourself
238
00:09:49,913 --> 00:09:52,425
on the exit ramp
where it supposedly happened.
239
00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:02,880
Okay, that's spooky.
240
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,274
Hey.
How was practice?
241
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,908
You know, it got cancelled.
242
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:13,043
There was a Zamboni, uh...
243
00:10:13,168 --> 00:10:14,739
This is my friend, Alex.
244
00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:16,574
Hey, I've heard a lot about you.
245
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,282
Hey, listen.
Jenn, uh,
246
00:10:18,407 --> 00:10:21,285
our apartment is, uh,
getting fumigated,
247
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:23,920
and actually Whitney
and I were supposed
248
00:10:24,045 --> 00:10:25,792
crash the night here.
249
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,891
Oh, no problem.
You can have the bed
250
00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:29,359
and we'll sleep on the couch.
251
00:10:29,484 --> 00:10:30,421
It, uh, folds out.
252
00:10:30,587 --> 00:10:32,632
It does?
253
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,009
Yes, silly.
Make yourself at home, Al.
254
00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:42,517
[No audio]
255
00:10:44,665 --> 00:10:48,777
So, Jenn, um, listen, uh,
256
00:10:50,102 --> 00:10:54,081
this is technically
mark's apartment, so...
257
00:10:54,206 --> 00:10:55,530
Is that Marley & Me?
258
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,919
Yeah, there's only 20 minutes left.
259
00:10:58,044 --> 00:10:59,200
Marley's sick.
260
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:00,994
Oh, no.
261
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,725
He's going to be okay, right?
262
00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:05,123
Oh, yeah.
263
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,061
Oh, my God.
I just got a text
264
00:11:08,186 --> 00:11:09,430
from all the hotels.
265
00:11:09,555 --> 00:11:11,898
I guess that there are
some rooms available actually,
266
00:11:12,023 --> 00:11:14,716
so, uh, I'm going to stay there.
267
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:23,409
Okay, I'll help you pack.
268
00:11:23,534 --> 00:11:24,726
Am I talking a lot?
269
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,278
'cause my friends say
that when I drink too much
270
00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:27,313
I talk a lot.
So am I talking a lot?
271
00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:28,316
No.
272
00:11:28,906 --> 00:11:30,898
What were you saying about
the Valentine's day issue?
273
00:11:31,064 --> 00:11:33,619
Oh, yeah, Sharon and I
have a lot of issues
274
00:11:33,744 --> 00:11:35,111
about Valentine's day.
275
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,389
First of all, I look horrible in red,
276
00:11:37,514 --> 00:11:41,059
and she's a cutter.
277
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:41,743
Oh.
278
00:11:44,855 --> 00:11:46,231
So tell me about Craig.
279
00:11:46,356 --> 00:11:48,600
What do you guys have planned
for the Valentine's day feature?
280
00:11:48,725 --> 00:11:50,736
And feel free to be
as specific as you were
281
00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:53,832
when you described
your first sexual encounter.
282
00:11:53,957 --> 00:11:55,539
Well, Craig never stops.
283
00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:57,759
He's a real workaholic.
What about Roxanne?
284
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:01,137
Uh, she's more of a...
Alcoholic.
285
00:12:02,152 --> 00:12:02,813
Oh.
286
00:12:02,938 --> 00:12:05,082
Yeah, that's what happens
when you're in denial
287
00:12:05,207 --> 00:12:07,143
about your sexuality.
288
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,785
No, Roxanne is definitely straight.
289
00:12:08,910 --> 00:12:11,648
She sleeps with a lot of dudes.
290
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,289
Oh, well, me too.
291
00:12:13,414 --> 00:12:14,791
I slept with so many
dudes in the '90s,
292
00:12:14,916 --> 00:12:18,327
my vagina opened for pearl jam.
293
00:12:18,452 --> 00:12:20,406
Oh, there is Craig again.
294
00:12:20,572 --> 00:12:21,949
He keeps e-mailing me
from the office.
295
00:12:22,115 --> 00:12:24,327
Oh, he's at the office now?
296
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:26,234
Yeah, he practically lives there.
297
00:12:26,359 --> 00:12:28,303
I mean, this guy could
take a shower in a sink
298
00:12:28,428 --> 00:12:31,640
like a $15 prostitute.
299
00:12:31,765 --> 00:12:33,669
Well, to whores.
300
00:12:33,835 --> 00:12:35,935
Love them.
301
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:44,419
Knock, knock.
302
00:12:44,544 --> 00:12:46,557
Craig?
Hi, I'm Whitney.
303
00:12:46,723 --> 00:12:48,289
Did I, by any chance,
leave my cell phone charger
304
00:12:48,414 --> 00:12:49,477
in your office?
305
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:51,187
Have you ever been in my office?
306
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,688
What?
307
00:12:52,854 --> 00:12:55,441
Have you ever been in my office?
308
00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:59,112
Oh, no.
I just ate, I'm good. So...
309
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,166
But, yeah, no, I'm just...
310
00:13:00,291 --> 00:13:01,668
Roxanne's had me working like crazy
311
00:13:01,793 --> 00:13:03,870
on this Valentine's day thing, so...
312
00:13:03,995 --> 00:13:06,744
Great, because mine
is a complete disaster.
313
00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:08,246
I'm trying to do
a layout using old photos
314
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,109
of couples around from
around Chicago,
315
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:11,499
and it's just not coming together.
316
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,111
Why is she leaning on him like that?
317
00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:15,481
Did she just get shot?
318
00:13:15,606 --> 00:13:16,515
Because if she's not
bleeding to death,
319
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:17,672
she needs to get some self-respect.
320
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:20,085
Exactly, they're all so sappy.
321
00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:21,551
I don't know what to do with them.
322
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,052
Look at that guy.
323
00:13:23,218 --> 00:13:26,222
Is he kissing her or blowing her up?
324
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,851
Wait, wait, what about this
couple drinking champagne.
325
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:33,331
Oh, you mean the girl
getting roofied?
326
00:13:33,456 --> 00:13:34,466
You have a real knack
327
00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:36,441
for slamming things most people like.
328
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,485
Oh, yeah. Well,
my dad had a secret family.
329
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:48,745
I would like a raise.
330
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,123
Day two, 20 minutes late,
pretty aggressive.
331
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:55,018
I was in Craig's office
last night, and I found out
332
00:13:55,143 --> 00:13:56,920
that his Valentine's feature sucks.
333
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,629
He said it himself.
334
00:13:58,795 --> 00:13:59,847
Wow.
335
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:01,090
Mm-hmm.
336
00:14:01,256 --> 00:14:04,135
I'd hug you right now,
but I don't want to get up.
337
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,628
Whitney.
I've been waiting for you.
338
00:14:05,753 --> 00:14:07,196
My Valentine's feature
went up five hours ago.
339
00:14:07,321 --> 00:14:08,330
It's already got more hits
340
00:14:08,455 --> 00:14:10,099
than any other thing we've ever done.
341
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,267
All because of you.
342
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,636
- What?
- What?
343
00:14:13,761 --> 00:14:14,971
I used your funny comments
and put them as captions
344
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:17,271
for all the photos.
It worked perfect.
345
00:14:17,396 --> 00:14:19,574
"Is he trying to blow her up?"
346
00:14:19,699 --> 00:14:21,486
Still gets me.
Good job.
347
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,749
- Why did you help him?
- I didn't mean to. It was an accident.
348
00:14:27,874 --> 00:14:29,350
I went in there...
I was just being obnoxious.
349
00:14:29,475 --> 00:14:30,578
I was just... I was being fun...
350
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:32,121
Whitney, hilarious captions.
351
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:33,220
Okay, look.
352
00:14:33,345 --> 00:14:34,922
Me, Sharon.
You, Alex.
353
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:38,544
Palm Springs, bring your bulldogs.
354
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:43,716
Why would you help Craig?
355
00:14:44,068 --> 00:14:45,984
I didn't.
I saw his dumb photos,
356
00:14:46,109 --> 00:14:48,454
and I said the first
mean thing that came to my head.
357
00:14:48,579 --> 00:14:49,454
Look how big my mouth is.
358
00:14:49,579 --> 00:14:50,621
I can't keep track
359
00:14:50,746 --> 00:14:52,099
of what's going
in and out of this thing.
360
00:14:52,265 --> 00:14:55,526
Whit, I was trying to help
you out by giving you a job.
361
00:14:55,651 --> 00:14:56,927
I asked you to get me information
362
00:14:57,052 --> 00:14:58,963
to help me get ahead of him
and you managed
363
00:14:59,088 --> 00:15:00,864
to help him get further ahead of me.
364
00:15:00,989 --> 00:15:01,901
Okay, I didn't mean to.
365
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,202
I was just... it was an accident.
366
00:15:04,327 --> 00:15:05,335
I was trying to help you,
367
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:06,906
and Craig started talking...
368
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,538
No, no, I don't care
what Craig was talking about.
369
00:15:08,663 --> 00:15:10,075
He's not my friend.
370
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,285
You're my friend.
371
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,247
Come on, Roxanne.
372
00:15:16,904 --> 00:15:18,000
Thong.
373
00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:22,151
So all of this is because
374
00:15:22,276 --> 00:15:24,006
you found a waffle iron
under the sink?
375
00:15:24,172 --> 00:15:25,954
Yeah, everything
is in the wrong place.
376
00:15:26,079 --> 00:15:27,055
All right?
I found the batteries
377
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:29,492
with the "thank you" cards.
Um, what?
378
00:15:29,617 --> 00:15:31,180
This whole place is like a yard sale.
379
00:15:31,346 --> 00:15:34,430
That's what women do.
They hide your stuff.
380
00:15:34,555 --> 00:15:36,978
To trick you into thinking
that you need them.
381
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:38,020
Yeah.
382
00:15:38,186 --> 00:15:40,337
Wait.
Yeah.
383
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,671
For thousands of years,
women have been organizing
384
00:15:43,796 --> 00:15:46,007
our homes with no rhyme or reason.
385
00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:48,409
Today, that crap ends.
386
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,945
All right, this is a system
that I created
387
00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:53,014
that organizes everything
in our homes
388
00:15:53,139 --> 00:15:55,663
according to logic.
389
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,050
Everything is numbered
in order of importance.
390
00:15:57,175 --> 00:15:59,153
One is for the things I use the most,
391
00:15:59,278 --> 00:16:02,456
like bottle openers.
And then flannel shirts.
392
00:16:02,581 --> 00:16:04,922
Ten is for the things
I use the least.
393
00:16:05,088 --> 00:16:06,089
Like razors.
394
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:07,842
And condoms.
395
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:11,397
See, we're guys.
We are problem solvers,
396
00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:13,431
that's what we do.
397
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:15,182
Come on, mark.
Let's get this over with.
398
00:16:15,348 --> 00:16:17,101
I got lily to get rid of Jenn for me.
399
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,838
Problem solved.
400
00:16:20,998 --> 00:16:23,108
You are never supposed
to tell a woman the truth.
401
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:25,318
That's, like, the first thing
you learn as a man.
402
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,245
Why do all men think
all women are just
403
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:29,947
crazy, emotional, needy basket cases?
404
00:16:30,113 --> 00:16:32,116
Stop yelling at me.
405
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,743
Okay, can we go?
406
00:16:37,013 --> 00:16:38,706
There you are.
407
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:42,418
Jenn, I have something
that I need to tell you.
408
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:46,897
This is my wife, lily.
409
00:16:47,022 --> 00:16:48,532
She just got out of the hospital.
410
00:16:48,657 --> 00:16:49,766
Oh.
411
00:16:49,891 --> 00:16:51,168
Yeah, she was going to die.
412
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:52,803
But then she didn't, and,
you know, I fell for you,
413
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,104
- but now she's back and...
- Mark, shut up.
414
00:16:54,229 --> 00:16:55,723
Jenn, mark doesn't want to date you.
415
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:59,977
You are beautiful and lovely,
but he just isn't interested.
416
00:17:00,143 --> 00:17:02,812
Mark, why didn't you just tell me?
417
00:17:02,937 --> 00:17:04,780
I have a rare disorder of the throat.
418
00:17:04,905 --> 00:17:05,781
It doesn't allow me...
419
00:17:05,906 --> 00:17:06,776
Mark.
420
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,585
You could have asked me to leave
421
00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:09,946
instead of wasting my time.
422
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,987
Casserole's ready in 30.
423
00:17:12,112 --> 00:17:14,325
Yeah.
So nice meeting you.
424
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,453
So nice to meet you.
Cute as a button.
425
00:17:22,055 --> 00:17:23,084
- Wow.
- Yeah.
426
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,799
That was amazing.
She did not freak out.
427
00:17:24,924 --> 00:17:29,507
She didn't cry.
She really took it like a champ.
428
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,072
She's not a needy girl at all.
429
00:17:32,197 --> 00:17:35,867
And now she's gone forever.
430
00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:38,724
Gosh, I wonder what
she's doing right now.
431
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,559
She's probably in the elevator.
432
00:17:40,725 --> 00:17:43,842
I think I made a terrible mistake.
433
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:49,656
Ah, I was just mocking this guy,
434
00:17:49,781 --> 00:17:52,905
and I ended up hurting Roxanne.
I feel terrible.
435
00:17:53,071 --> 00:17:54,227
Look, Whit, it's not your fault.
436
00:17:54,352 --> 00:17:55,528
You know, you're just...
You're really good
437
00:17:55,653 --> 00:17:56,863
at being mean to people,
438
00:17:56,988 --> 00:18:01,288
and it's about time
we started cashing in on it.
439
00:18:01,454 --> 00:18:04,208
[Knock at door]
440
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:05,604
Oh, it's Roxanne.
441
00:18:05,729 --> 00:18:06,672
Hey, are you in one of those
442
00:18:06,797 --> 00:18:07,873
"yell at each other" girl fights or
443
00:18:07,998 --> 00:18:09,422
"nice to each other" girl fights?
444
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,007
[Loud knocking]
445
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,092
I think it's a
"yell at each other" one.
446
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,781
Hey, Whit.
Can you get the door?
447
00:18:15,906 --> 00:18:18,264
I'm stuck in the bathroom.
448
00:18:21,644 --> 00:18:23,220
- I'm so sorry.
- You know what? No actually...
449
00:18:23,345 --> 00:18:24,922
- I'm telling you...
- Hang on, just let me...
450
00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:29,316
You know what?
I'm your boss.
451
00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:31,929
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
452
00:18:32,054 --> 00:18:34,164
I get kind of competitive with Craig
453
00:18:34,289 --> 00:18:35,965
because I'm paranoid that
magazines are just going
454
00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:38,067
to become obsolete.
455
00:18:38,192 --> 00:18:41,505
And I am way too tired
to learn a new skill.
456
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:44,206
I can't even get
my kindle out of the box.
457
00:18:44,372 --> 00:18:46,576
I know how you feel.
458
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:50,212
I got replaced by an app
that costs $1.99.
459
00:18:50,378 --> 00:18:51,347
Now I know how porn stars felt
460
00:18:51,472 --> 00:18:53,758
when teenage sluts bought webcams.
461
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:55,884
Look, if we're going
to be working together,
462
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:57,845
I don't want anything
to mess up our friendship.
463
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,888
Are we still going to work together?
464
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,557
Because, God, it was
so nice to have a real job,
465
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:04,960
you know, with my own desk,
my own chair,
466
00:19:05,085 --> 00:19:07,897
my own lesbian.
467
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,691
But I'm really sorry
that I wrote those captions.
468
00:19:10,857 --> 00:19:13,319
What? Don't be.
Those were great.
469
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,236
Really?
470
00:19:15,361 --> 00:19:16,705
It was kind of cool
to be good at something
471
00:19:16,830 --> 00:19:19,200
after failing for so long.
472
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:22,042
Well, good, because you're
going to be there for awhile.
473
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:26,413
I mean, I got to keep you on
so I can steal your ideas too.
474
00:19:26,538 --> 00:19:27,416
Really?
475
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:29,850
- Yes.
- Thank you.
476
00:19:29,975 --> 00:19:32,880
Yeah, okay, okay.
That's enough of that.
477
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,921
Let's have a glass of
wine to celebrate.
478
00:19:35,046 --> 00:19:38,803
And two more, because
life's just too long.
479
00:19:39,383 --> 00:19:41,160
I'm not getting fired,
which means on Friday
480
00:19:41,285 --> 00:19:42,719
I'm getting my first paycheck.
481
00:19:43,306 --> 00:19:46,018
So I am well on my way to a "b" cup.
482
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:47,266
And I'm well on my way
483
00:19:47,391 --> 00:19:49,772
to getting into trouble
for however I respond to that.
484
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,900
I'm just glad that I'm not
going to be dependent on you.
485
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,773
Oh, well, you know,
it's ironic that you think that,
486
00:19:54,898 --> 00:19:56,274
because I realized that
I'm actually kind of
487
00:19:56,399 --> 00:19:57,676
dependent on you.
488
00:19:57,801 --> 00:19:59,378
I couldn't find anything
in here without you,
489
00:19:59,503 --> 00:20:02,368
so I reorganized everything
in a more logical way.
490
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:06,117
Hey, Whit, why is your
birth control in the fridge?
491
00:20:06,242 --> 00:20:11,043
It's with the eggs.
Logic.
492
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,337
See, I'm not just a pretty face.
493
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:18,350
Moron.
494
00:20:21,865 --> 00:20:23,597
This is my girlfriend, Alex.
495
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:29,599
Hi. Petite redhead.
Interesting.
496
00:20:32,269 --> 00:20:34,438
- It's nice to meet you.
- Good pull.
497
00:20:35,942 --> 00:20:38,383
Yeah, this is my girl.
498
00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:41,300
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
499
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,442
That is confusing.
500
00:20:50,102 --> 00:20:52,626
Okay, uh, not only
are you two not lesbians,
501
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:55,713
I just stopped being
a lesbian. Thanks.