1 00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:04,726 Whit, don't do this. All right? 2 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:06,271 Taking pictures at a crime scene? 3 00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:07,601 It's creepy. 4 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:09,471 Staring at a lifeless body with dead eyes? 5 00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:11,944 It's going to be fine. I've shot models before. 6 00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,277 Come on. There has to be other jobs out there. 7 00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:15,745 There's not, okay? 8 00:00:15,815 --> 00:00:17,282 I used to shoot, like, three weddings a month. 9 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,113 But people just do not hire photographers anymore. 10 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,584 They just use their iPhone 11 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:23,781 or that Hipstamatic thing that makes everybody look like Chloe Sevigny. 12 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:25,722 It's a really tough time right now. 13 00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:27,191 No, it's been like this for a while. 14 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,625 And I have nothing lined up after this. 15 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,491 Look, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. 16 00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,258 Why don't you let me pay your bills until things pick up? 17 00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:33,560 No. 18 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,357 I mean, thank you. 19 00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:36,959 But I do not want to rely on you. 20 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,164 I don't want us turning into lce-T and Coco. 21 00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:42,968 That's actually impossible for several different reasons. 22 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,603 Well, not several, just two in particular. 23 00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:50,407 When I start making money again, that is going to change. 24 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,776 I meant your ass. 25 00:00:56,990 --> 00:01:00,619 ALEX: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience. 26 00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:05,355 Hey. Whitney. 27 00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:06,658 Hey. 28 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,258 Thanks for hooking me up with this job. 29 00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:09,494 No problem. Okay. 30 00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:12,094 Now, the first time you see a dead body it's weird. 31 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,571 So just think of it like a horror movie. 32 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,870 Except the blood is real and someone's very sad. 33 00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:17,169 Okay. 34 00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:19,269 This is dark. I don't know how you do this. 35 00:01:19,345 --> 00:01:21,438 Yeah, I cry at really weird times. 36 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,579 Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket? 37 00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:25,483 (SlGHS) I rushed out of the house. 38 00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,543 I hooked up with this girl last night. 39 00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:30,178 And I didn't want to talk to her so I had to sneak out. 40 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:31,823 Mark. Don't be a douche. 41 00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,218 She said "supposably." 44 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,724 Uh, so, you need to get close-ups of the contusions, 45 00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:44,599 the evidence, and the surrounding pavement. 46 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:46,637 Ugh. This is so sad. 47 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,440 How long has this guy been dead? Like, two weeks? 48 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,040 (COUGHS) 49 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:54,244 The victim's right over there. 50 00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:01,309 Mmm. All of the assistants I interviewed today sucked. 51 00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:03,688 I hope I have an assistant one day. 52 00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:06,850 But I have a blog, so that probably won't happen. 53 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:11,627 There was one guy who was totally qualified, but way too good-looking. 54 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:12,960 I mean, I learned my lesson. 55 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:14,795 Sue me twice, shame on me. 56 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:15,994 Okay. 57 00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:17,932 Shabat shalom. Hey. 58 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,500 Sorry I'm late. 59 00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:25,169 I was uploading photos I took of a dead guy with no head. 60 00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:28,543 Ooh. Are you making a coffee table book? 61 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:33,144 I am not. I was shooting a crime scene for 85 bucks. 62 00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:35,547 Because this is what my career has come to. 63 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,021 It's like, it's so depressing. 64 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,617 I'm just so sick of the constant hustle and being broke. 65 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,358 Roxanne, don't you know of any job openings? 66 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,862 What... 67 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,125 Oh, what... Uh, you mean to be my assistant? Yeah. 68 00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:50,663 I'll take it. ROXANNE: Hold on. 69 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,835 Slow down. You have never even worked in an office before. 70 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:53,998 It's very intense. 71 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:56,165 People are competitive and political. 72 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,641 There's lots of backstabbing. 73 00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,007 Okay. Roxanne, you don't have to sell me on it. 74 00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:00,670 I said I want the job. 75 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,109 Is this your only option? 76 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,207 I mean, are you sure there's nothing else you could do? 77 00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:05,477 I used to work at a bar. 78 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:08,815 No, no, no. I cannot see you in those shorts again. 79 00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:13,186 Okay. Fine. Do you have any experience? 80 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,024 Being your assistant? 81 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:17,689 I always make our dinner reservations. 82 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,322 I always pick your karaoke song. 83 00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:22,129 And I gave you all my painkillers after my root canal. 84 00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:24,396 You got the job. 85 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:25,664 Yes. 86 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:27,535 Hey. Is there a drug test involved? 87 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,203 No. Yes. 88 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,607 Oh, when the saints go bop-beep-boo... 89 00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:37,147 Oh, how I want to ba-dee-dee-badu... 90 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,480 Oh, when the saints go marching in... 91 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:40,610 Oh! 92 00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:42,544 Oh, my God. Jenn. 93 00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:45,614 I, uh... I just, uh... I just worked a 14 hour shift. 94 00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:48,024 And you are right where I left you in my apartment. 95 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:49,454 (CHUCKLES) 96 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:52,196 And you are wearing my 88 all-star sweatshirt 97 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,357 that you somehow got out of the frame. 98 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,064 I was cold. 99 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,028 Well... So... 100 00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:02,599 You probably have plans tonight, 101 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,438 and I don't want to keep you. So... 102 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,811 Oh... You're so sweet. But I'm totally free. 103 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:10,277 Hey. I was trying to use your computer earlier, 104 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:13,012 but I couldn't figure out which wireless network we're on. 105 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:16,883 Are you "Netgear," "Nate's Coffee," or "Balls to the Wall"? 106 00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:21,355 It's "Nate's Coffee." There's a one-hour time limit. 107 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,090 Okay, great. 108 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:26,722 So, what do you want to do tonight? 109 00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:29,599 It's supposed to rain, supposably. 110 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:32,597 You know, um... 111 00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,071 I was just going to kick it here because I actually 112 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,664 have to get up really early in the morning. So... 113 00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:36,934 Even better. Yeah. 114 00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:40,307 Let's stay in and get "cozy-coze" on the couch. 115 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,813 We are so on the same page. 116 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,818 Are you a Cancer? 117 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:48,848 Nope. 118 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,889 But I think you might be. 119 00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,053 Whit, did you make coffee? 120 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,192 No, I did not make coffee. 121 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,529 Because I will be going to my new job today, 122 00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,068 where they have free coffee. 123 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,761 Which you will be making because you are an assistant. 124 00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,066 (CHUCKLES) 125 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:08,864 I will be doing plenty more than that. 126 00:05:08,941 --> 00:05:09,965 Won't l? 127 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,738 I mean, I don't know. I've never had an office job before. 128 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,039 I've only seen the show The Office. 129 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:16,013 So, I can only assume my day will be hilarious. 130 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,015 Are you nervous about being home alone all day 131 00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,577 without me here to take care of you? 132 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,122 Oh, please. I'm going to be fine. 133 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,648 Okay. 134 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,783 (BLOWS KlSS) 135 00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:30,290 (GlGGLES) 136 00:05:36,736 --> 00:05:38,169 All right. 137 00:05:38,871 --> 00:05:41,362 Coffee time. Time for coffee. 138 00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:43,139 (HUMMlNG) 139 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,401 (WHlSTLlNG) 140 00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:46,936 Oh... 141 00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:52,280 Where the hell is the coffee? 142 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,579 All right. So this is your desk. 143 00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,090 Wow! 144 00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:00,420 And this is your chair. 145 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,721 No! 146 00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:03,219 Ah! 147 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,394 I'm so excited to be working with you. 148 00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:06,557 Oh, me, too. 149 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:10,033 I mean, technically, you'll be working for me. But it is going to be fun. 150 00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,595 Basically, you will answer the phone, 151 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,435 spy on my enemy, and do some filing. 152 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,768 I'm sorry. What was the second one? 153 00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:17,336 I have an enemy. 154 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,137 It's this guy, Craig. 155 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,544 I do the print edition of the magazine 156 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:22,876 and Craig does the online part. 157 00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:24,709 And we don't like the online part. 158 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,109 Why? 159 00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:28,847 Look. I work on an issue for months, 160 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,548 and he uploads something in a day, 161 00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:32,887 which unravels everything I've been doing. Oh. 162 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:35,257 Like, right now, I am trying to work on a Valentine's Day issue, 163 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,296 and I don't have any idea what he's got planned. 164 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,595 So, you want me to do a little office recon. 165 00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,392 Roxanne, 166 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,001 spying on guys is, like, my thing. 167 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,196 When we first started dating, 168 00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:47,296 Alex almost broke up with me for snooping, 169 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:50,240 and he doesn't even know that I know that. 170 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,513 You can start by spying on his assistant. 171 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:58,978 Morning, Lindsay. 172 00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,143 Roxanne. 173 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:02,778 Hi. 174 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,350 No. 175 00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:06,286 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 176 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,519 Hey. 177 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,395 I'm working right now. 178 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,158 Yeah, I'll probably be here late tonight. 179 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,056 Big kiss. Bye. 180 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:15,561 (CLEARS THROAT) 181 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:16,795 Is that your boyfriend? 182 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,096 Girlfriend. 183 00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,671 Oh. Cool. 184 00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,872 I'm gay, too. 185 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,373 I know. 186 00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:31,074 (CLEARS THROAT) 187 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,811 You know, we should go have a drink sometime. 188 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,211 Oh. You're not my type. 189 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,384 No, as... I just... I meant just as friends. 190 00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:39,889 Still not my type. 191 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:43,693 You know, I was thinking, like, maybe just as co-workers. 192 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,697 You know, we can talk about work stuff 193 00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:48,791 and, you know, what we're working on for the Valentine's Day thing, or... 194 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,899 I'm not physically attracted to you in that way. 195 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,201 I'm really sorry. I don't get the whole thing. 196 00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:56,002 I don't... Oh. Oh. 197 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,606 Um... No, I was just... 198 00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,612 You don't have to worry because I actually have a girlfriend. 199 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,080 So. Her name's Alex. You know... 200 00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:06,176 Long hair and wears a lot of flannel. 201 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:08,313 Doesn't really shave much. 202 00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:09,818 Okay. You're not going to stop talking 203 00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:11,413 until I agree to get drinks with you? 204 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,927 Oh. I'm sorry. My mouth just doesn't stop. So... 205 00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:18,363 Maybe you are my type. 206 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:24,364 (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) 207 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:25,963 Hey. 208 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,232 I found the waffle iron. 209 00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,001 Great. 210 00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,771 Why are you making waffles in the middle of the afternoon? 211 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:34,745 No, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out where Whitney keeps everything. 212 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:36,941 It took me 20 minutes to find the coffee filters this morning. 213 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:39,143 This used to be my place. I used to know where everything was. 214 00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:43,120 And now, I find tampons where I used to keep my winter gloves. 215 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,983 I know. When Lily and l moved in together, 216 00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,752 it took me forever to find my dart board. 217 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:48,392 Oh. Where did she put it? 218 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,122 The trash. (DOORKNOB CLlCKS) 219 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,524 Yo. 220 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,326 I am in a code red situation, man. 221 00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:01,006 Jenn turned our one-night stand into a two-day stay. 222 00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:04,808 So I told her that I have hockey practice tonight. 223 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,442 And she didn't get the hint. 224 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,978 Well, your excuse is too short term. 225 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:12,347 There's a clingy girl in Ohio who thinks I'm dead. 226 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,019 Clingy is the worst. That's the problem. She's super hot. 227 00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,920 But the second you start acting needy, I'm done. 228 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:19,557 And I need to handle this very carefully, 229 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,718 because I don't want to see this girl cry. 230 00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:22,818 Yeah. A girl crying is the worst. 231 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,260 That's one of the things I love about Whitney. 232 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:26,958 She ran out of tears a long time ago. 233 00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:30,129 Well, now, I can't go down there for another three hours. 234 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,429 I'll get rid of her for you. 235 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,969 Really? Oh, man, that would be great. 236 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,234 What are you going to say? 237 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,536 I don't know. I'll think of something. 238 00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:39,134 All right. Good luck. Be careful down there. 239 00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,670 Mark, you're coming with me. 240 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:42,975 Aw, man. 241 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:44,977 Hey. 242 00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:48,985 I'm telling you. "Died in a car crash" works. 243 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,114 As long as you don't mind passing a shrine to yourself 244 00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:54,557 on the exit ramp where it supposedly happened. 245 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,503 Okay, that's spooky. 246 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,405 Hey. How was practice? 247 00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,903 You know, it got canceled. 248 00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:15,476 There was a Zamboni, uh... 249 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,038 This is my friend, Alex. 250 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,878 Hey. I've heard a lot about you. 251 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,042 Hey, listen, Jenn, 252 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,884 uh, our apartment is, uh, getting fumigated. 253 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,421 And actually, Whitney and l 254 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,924 were supposed to crash the night here. 255 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,751 Oh. No problem. 256 00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:31,727 You can have the bed and we'll sleep on the couch. 257 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:32,821 It, uh, folds out. 258 00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,762 It does? (CHUCKLES) 259 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:35,992 Yes, silly. 260 00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:37,797 Make yourself at home, Al. 261 00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:39,095 (SPUTTERS) 262 00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,396 (lNAUDlBLE) 263 00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,705 So, Jenn, um... 264 00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:51,342 Listen. Uh... 265 00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:56,012 This is technically Mark's apartment, so... 266 00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:57,745 Is that Marley & Me? 267 00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,082 Yeah. 268 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,456 There's only 20 minutes left. Marley's sick. 269 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:02,754 Oh, no. 270 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,086 He's going to be okay, right? 271 00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:07,463 Oh, yeah. 272 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,532 Oh, my God. I just got a text from all the hotels. 273 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,334 I guess that there are some rooms available, actually. 274 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,602 So, uh, I'm going to stay there. 275 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,079 Okay, I'll help you pack. 276 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:27,244 Am I talking a lot? 277 00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,446 Because my friends say that when I drink too much, I talk a lot. 278 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,921 So, am I talking a lot? No. 279 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:33,154 What were you saying about the Valentine's Day issue? 280 00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:34,419 Oh, yeah. 281 00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:37,257 Sharon and I have a lot of issues about Valentine's Day. 282 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,924 First of all, I look horrible in red. And she's a cutter. 283 00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:43,795 Oh. 284 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:47,169 Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) 285 00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:48,501 So, tell me about Craig. 286 00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:51,099 Uh, what do you guys have planned for the Valentine's Day feature? 287 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,042 And feel free to be as specific as you were 288 00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:56,240 when you described your first sexual encounter. 289 00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,113 Well, Craig never stops. He's a real a workaholic. Mmm. 290 00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,379 What about Roxanne? 291 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,013 Uh, she's more of a... Alcoholic. 292 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,151 Oh. 293 00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:09,354 Yeah, that's what happens when you're in denial about your sexuality. 294 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,223 No. Roxanne is definitely straight. 295 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,730 She sleeps with a lot of dudes. 296 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,530 Oh, well, me, too. 297 00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,101 I slept with so many dudes in the '90s, 298 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,160 my vagina opened for Pearl Jam. (CELL PHONE BEEPlNG) 299 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,674 Oh. There is Craig again. 300 00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:24,333 He keeps emailing me from the office. 301 00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,607 Oh. He's at the office now? 302 00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,473 Yeah. He practically lives there. 303 00:12:28,547 --> 00:12:32,779 I mean, this guy could take a shower in a sink like a $15 prostitute. 304 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:34,511 Well. 305 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,020 (CLEARS THROAT) To whores. 306 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,282 Love them. 307 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,388 Knock, knock. 308 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,893 Hey, Craig. I'm Roxanne's assistant, Whitney. 309 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:51,765 Did I by any chance leave my cell phone charger in your office? 310 00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:53,496 Have you ever been in my office? 311 00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:55,000 What? 312 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,642 Have you ever been in my office? 313 00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:00,342 Oh, no. I just ate. I'm good. So... 314 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:02,303 Um... But, yeah, no. I'm just... 315 00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:03,871 Roxanne's had me working like crazy 316 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,008 on this Valentine's Day thing. So... 317 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:08,986 Great. Because mine is a complete disaster. 318 00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:10,916 I'm trying to do a layout using old photos 319 00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:12,389 of couples from around Chicago. 320 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,891 And it's just not coming together. 321 00:13:14,026 --> 00:13:16,824 Why is she leaning on him like that? Did she just get shot? 322 00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,557 (LAUGHS) Because if she's not bleeding to death, 323 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,121 she needs to get some self-respect. 324 00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,757 Exact... Exactly. 325 00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,802 They're all so sappy. I don't know what to do with them. 326 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,334 Look at that guy. 327 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,472 Is he kissing her or blowing her up? 328 00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:29,905 Wait, wait. 329 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,136 What about this couple drinking champagne? 330 00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:33,935 Oh, you mean the girl getting roofied? 331 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:38,650 You have a real knack for slamming things most people like. 332 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:41,578 Oh, yeah, well... My dad had a secret family. 333 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:48,955 I would like a raise. 334 00:13:51,063 --> 00:13:52,428 Day two. Twenty minutes late. 335 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,293 Pretty aggressive. 336 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,701 I was in Craig's office last night. 337 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,602 And I found out that his Valentine's feature sucks. 338 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,900 He said it himself. 339 00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:02,199 Wow. 340 00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:03,366 Mmm-hmm. 341 00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:06,343 I'd hug you right now, but I don't want to get up. 342 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,945 Whitney. I've been waiting for you. 343 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,844 My Valentine's feature went up five hours ago. 344 00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,713 It's already got more hits than any other thing we've ever done. 345 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,082 All because of you. 346 00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,313 What? What? 347 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:18,279 I used your funny comments and put them as captions for all the photos. 348 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,688 It worked perfect. 349 00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:21,350 "ls he trying to blow her up?" 350 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,690 (LAUGHS) See, it... Still gets me. Good job. 351 00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:28,894 Why did you help him? 352 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,367 I didn't mean to. It was an accident. 353 00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,767 I went in there. I was just being obnoxious. 354 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,031 I was just... I was making fun of... 355 00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:34,663 Whitney, hilarious captions. 356 00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:38,005 Okay, look. Me, Sharon, you, Alex. Palm Springs. 357 00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,408 Bring your bulldogs. 358 00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:47,216 Why would you help Craig? 359 00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:49,249 I didn't. I saw his dumb photos, 360 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,186 and I said the first mean thing that came to my head. 361 00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:53,454 Look how big my mouth is. 362 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,550 I can't keep track ofwhat's going in and out of this thing. 363 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:59,021 Whit, I was trying to help you out by giving you a job. 364 00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:01,328 I asked you to get me information to help me get ahead of him. 365 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,335 And you managed to help him get further ahead of me. 366 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:06,462 Okay, I didn't mean to. I was just... 367 00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,870 I... It was an accident. I was trying to help you. 368 00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,464 And Craig started talking about... No, no. 369 00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:13,477 I don't care what Craig was talking about. He's not my friend. 370 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:14,842 You're my friend. 371 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:17,672 (SlGHS) Come on. Roxanne. 372 00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:21,510 Thong. 373 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,449 So, all this is because you found a waffle iron under the sink? 374 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,719 Yeah. Everything is in the wrong place. All right? 375 00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:31,626 I... I found the batteries with the thank-you cards. 376 00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:32,958 Um, what? 377 00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,659 This whole place is like a yard sale. 378 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,768 That's what women do. 379 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:38,097 They hide your stuff. 380 00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:40,502 To trick you into thinking that you need them. 381 00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:41,630 Yeah. Wait. 382 00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:44,403 Yeah. 383 00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,936 For thousands of years, women have been 384 00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,537 organizing our homes with no rhyme or reason. 385 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,015 Today, that crap ends. All right? 386 00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,483 This is a system that I created 387 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:57,920 that organizes everything in our homes according to logic. 388 00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:00,617 Everything is numbered in order of importance. 389 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,718 One is for the things I use the most. 390 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,889 Like bottle openers. And then, flannel shirts. 391 00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:08,390 Ten is for the things I use the least. 392 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,624 Like razors. 393 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,269 And condoms. 394 00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,629 See? We're guys. 395 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,573 We are problem solvers. That's what we do. 396 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,632 Come on, Mark. Let's get this over with. 397 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,674 I got Lily to get rid of Jenn for me. 398 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,607 Problem solved. 399 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:26,680 You are never supposed to tell a woman the truth. 400 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,811 That's, like, the first thing you learn as a man. 401 00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:31,583 Oh. Why do all men think all women are just crazy, 402 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,454 emotional, needy, basket cases? 403 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,489 Stop yelling at me. 404 00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:36,954 Ugh. 405 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,229 There you are. 406 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,767 Jenn, I have something that I need to tell you. 407 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,929 Oh. 408 00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:49,704 This is my wife, Lily. 409 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,100 She just got out of the hospital. 410 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,269 Oh. 411 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,972 Yeah. She was going to die. But then, she didn't. 412 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,741 And, you know, I fell for you, but now, she's back. 413 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:59,215 Mark, shut up. Jenn, Mark doesn't want to date you. 414 00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:01,047 You are beautiful and lovely, 415 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,951 but he just isn't interested. 416 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:05,623 (CHUCKLES) Mark. Why didn't you just tell me? 417 00:17:06,392 --> 00:17:08,952 I have a rare disorder of the throat. It doesn't allow me to... 418 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,222 Mark. 419 00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:11,895 You could have asked me to leave 420 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,488 instead of wasting my time. 421 00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,523 Casserole is ready in 30. 422 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,626 Yeah. So nice meeting you. 423 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:19,395 So nice to meet you. Yeah. 424 00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:20,870 Cute as a button. 425 00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:26,608 Wow. Yeah. 426 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:30,011 That was amazing. She did not freak out. She didn't cry. 427 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:31,709 She really took it like a champ. 428 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:35,484 She's not a needy girl at all. 429 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,848 And now, she's gone forever. 430 00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:42,054 Gosh, I wonder what she's doing right now. 431 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:44,022 She's probably in the elevator. 432 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,931 I think I made a terrible mistake. 433 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,371 I was just mocking this guy, 434 00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:56,237 and I ended up hurting Roxanne. I feel terrible. 435 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,670 Oh, look, Whit, it's not your fault. 436 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,473 You know, you're just... You're really good at being mean to people 437 00:18:00,546 --> 00:18:02,810 and it's about time we started cashing in on it. 438 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,307 (KNOCKlNG AT DOOR) 439 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,182 Oh. It's Roxanne. 440 00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,278 Hey. Are you in one of those 441 00:18:10,355 --> 00:18:11,413 yell-at-each-other girl fights 442 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:12,821 or nice-to-each-other girl fights? 443 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:14,352 (BANGlNG ON DOOR) 444 00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:16,688 I think it's a yell-at-each-other one. 445 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,262 Hey, Whit, can you get the door? 446 00:18:19,331 --> 00:18:21,424 I'm stuck in the bathroom. 447 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:24,494 (SlGHS) 448 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,298 I'm so sorry. Hey. No. 449 00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,565 I'm telling you. You know what? 450 00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:28,731 Actually... Hang on. Just let me talk. 451 00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:31,002 You know what? I'm your boss. 452 00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,203 I'm sorry I yelled at you. 453 00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:37,872 I get kind of competitive with Craig 454 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,545 because I'm paranoid that magazines are just going to become obsolete. 455 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,646 And I am way too tired to learn a new skill. 456 00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,548 I can't even get my Kindle out of the box. 457 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,086 I know how you feel. 458 00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,629 I got replaced by an app that cost $1.99. 459 00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:53,824 (CHUCKLES) 460 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:57,300 Now, I know how porn stars felt when teenage sluts bought web cams. 461 00:18:57,402 --> 00:18:59,393 Look. If we're going to be working together, 462 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,302 I don't want anything to mess up our friendship. 463 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,331 Are we still going to work together? 464 00:19:03,408 --> 00:19:05,376 Because, God, it was so nice to have a real job. 465 00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,504 You know, with my own desk, my own chair... 466 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,877 My own lesbian. 467 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,115 But I'm really sorry that I wrote those captions. 468 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,310 What? Don't be. Those were great. 469 00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:18,116 (CHUCKLES) Really? 470 00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:22,418 It was kind of cool to be good at something after failing for so long. 471 00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:25,421 Well, good. Because you're going to be there for a while. 472 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:28,694 I mean, I've got to keep you on so I can steal your ideas, too. 473 00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:30,993 Really? 474 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,060 Yes. Thank you! Oh. Thank you. 475 00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:34,366 (CHUCKLlNG) Okay. Okay. 476 00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,202 That's enough of that. 477 00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:38,533 Let's have a glass of wine to celebrate. Okay. 478 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,703 And two more because life's just too long. 479 00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:43,843 I am not getting fired. 480 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,646 Which means on Friday, I am getting my first paycheck. 481 00:19:46,718 --> 00:19:49,312 So, I am well on my way to a B-cup. 482 00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,413 And I am well on my way to getting in trouble 483 00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:53,287 for however I respond to that. (CHUCKLES) 484 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,426 I'm just glad that I'm not going to be dependent on you. 485 00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,529 Oh. You know, it's ironic that you think that. 486 00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,361 Because I realized that I'm actually kind of dependent on you. 487 00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,060 I couldn't find anything in here without you, 488 00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:05,626 so I reorganized everything in a more logical way. 489 00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:08,739 Hey. Whit, why is your birth control in the fridge? 490 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,933 It's with the eggs. 491 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,238 Logic. 492 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,842 See, I'm not just a pretty face. 493 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,582 (LAUGHS) 494 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,118 Moron. 495 00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:26,619 Oh. 496 00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,521 This is my girlfriend, Alex. 497 00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,157 Hi. 498 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,962 Petite redhead. Interesting. 499 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,397 It's nice to meet you. 500 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:39,562 Good pull. 501 00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:42,440 Yeah, this is my girl. 502 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,316 That is confusing. 503 00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:57,385 Okay. Uh, not only are you two not lesbians, 504 00:20:57,456 --> 00:20:59,617 I just stopped being a lesbian. Thanks.