There are approximately 200 bars and nightclubs
in South Beach.
Assuming the average capacity is 500 persons
and 52% of those are women and 65% of those women are single,
on any given Saturday night, there are 33,800 women
available for a potential romantic liaison.
33,000 single women?
That's a sobering statistic.
Did you just do that math in your head?
It's elementary for a man of my intelligence.
I solved the Calogero equation on a napkin in middle school.
So you smiled at her, she smiled at you.
What happened next?
I'm Ira Messing.
Hi. I'm Lisa.
So what brings you here, Ira?
I read a study that if a single man of my age
goes without sex for a year and a half,
his chances of never having sex again
increase by a factor of 6.
It's been a year and a half since you had sex?
Yes, it has.
And you were hoping to have sex with me?
Not you specifically.
But it makes sense that in order to increase my chances
of having sex, I should go out into the world
and have drinks with women.
Zero effort produces zero outcome.
Ira, are you some kind of math nut?
Yes, I am.
I head up the program to calculate asteroid vectors.
So you'll be the first person to know
if life as we know it is gonna be obliterated...
- by an asteroid? - Yes.
And hopefully come up with a plan to prevent the collision.
Save the earth?
Yes.
I told her what I do for a living.
She was definitely impressed.
How do you know she was impressed?
She kissed me.
Right on the lips.
That's my thanks for saving the world.
In the future when trying to impress women,
saving the earth should be your opening line.
I've been told that despite the fact it's true
I might come off as boastful.
What happened after she kissed you?
I removed bird feces from her hair.
Wow. Ira, now you're pulling out all the stops.
And then it happened.
My name is Indigo Montoya.
- You killed my father. - You killed my father.
Prepare to die. Prepare to die.
I love that movie.
So do I.
[Cell phone rings]
Hello.
Why are you calling me? No.
Will you just leave me alone? Please.
I perceive that you are distraught.
It's fine.
May I have my phone back, please?
Lisa, if something's wrong,
I'd like to help.
Hey, pal, your bill.
Ripped By mstoll
Subsequent to Lisa's disappearance,
I performed a classic expanding spiral grid search pattern on foot.
I called all the cab companies.
I also called my friend at the National Security Agency
to look at satellite photos of the area
to see if there was any sign of Lisa.
What would you tell them to look for, a carriage made out of pumpkins?
I don't follow you.
What did she write on the napkin?
Whatever it was, it became saturated with beer.
I dried it out in the oven...
How did you get my name?
My friend at the NSA.
Who might that be exactly?
I really cannot say.
Stan, right? In black ops?
I'm not allowed to say.
Can you find Lisa, please?
She's in danger.
If Lisa actually looks the way you described her,
then she's a 9.
I am aware of the popular scale subjectively ranking
interpersonal measures of sexual attraction.
You are probably ranking me as a 6,
but if so, you must also account for the fact
that amongst some women,
intelligence raises that number substantially.
Voila! To your new signature drink.
It's based on a recipe that Rasputin created
for the last czar of Russia.
Whoa!
That is vomitous.
Sometimes a woman loses a man in a bar
because she suddenly remembers she met him in a bar.
Our encounter encompassed all 5 indicators
of a deep connection:
Chemistry, touch, voice pitch,
eye contact, uncensored speech.
What uncensored speech?
We discussed the bird feces in her hair.
I will pay you $10,000.
And after your death,
I can arrange to have your ashes shot into the sun.
Wow. How can you refuse an offer like that?
Thank you.
What is that for?
Our records.
So this one is done by an artist
who started out in a gang, tagging buildings.
A criminal who turned his life around.
Real subtle, Leo.
I'm not trying to be subtle.
I'm trying to open your mind.
Oh! Hey, watch it!
Sorry.
What?
Go tell that man he dropped his wallet and give it back.
And if he offers you a reward, say no.
Ahh... whatever.
Willa: Excuse me.
Sir? You dropped your wallet.
Leo?
Do you know that man?
Yes.
Who is he?
We all got people from our past we need to shake.
Yeah, it looks like you're doing a great job of that.
Let's go.
[Music playing]
You come here often?
Wow. You could really use a fresh pick-up line.
It's not a line. It's a question.
Yeah, I come here often. I'm Therese.
Walter. I'm looking for someone.
Let me guess. Cinderella.
I thought you might recognize the shoe.
It's possible that the owner's a prostitute.
Like you.
[Scoffs]
Honey, we're called party girls.
It's a matter of semiotics.
That's pretty smart talk for a party girl.
You have no idea how much it costs
to get a doctorate in statistics from Rutgers.
I am up to here in student loans.
Wow. Very limber.
And as you can see,
I'm wearing the exact same shoe in black.
Looking for a blonde girl.
She was here at the bar last night.
Beauty mark right here.
Lisa. She's not one of us.
She's strictly a lonely hearts give-it-away-for-free type.
Yet you have the exact same shoe?
She asked me where I got my shoes. I told her.
Girl thing.
Will you tell me?
Huh. Why should I?
I'll tell you something you don't know but you'd like to know.
Madison Boutique on Sand Dollar.
Ask for Johnny. Tell him Therese sent you.
OK, your turn.
You know those are knock-offs, right?
Excuse me?
Glued, not stitched.
I'll kill Johnny.
Can you not kill Johnny until after I talk to him?
How did you know my password?
You say it to yourself when you type it in.
In case you didn't notice, your voice kind of carries.
[As Leo] Ozymandias.
If you wanted to know about my past,
you could have asked me.
This dude killed your family?
Get off my computer, please.
Go back to work, please.
We'd be the same age.
Is that why you took me in?
You got some bent psychology
that I'd replace your dead daughter?
You want to buy me something?
Why not?
Because most of the time you forget to charge people
to find the things that you find.
People are very grateful for what I do.
I have more than enough money
or things that could be turned into money.
Yeah, ok, please don't say anymore.
As a federal agent, I might have to report you to the tax man.
What are you gonna buy me?
Shoes.
Ha. I love shoes.
I'm very girly in that way.
Amongst other ways.
Wait a minute.
What do I have to do?
Oh, just be yourself.
I love these.
I love these so much I could cry.
Clerk: I want to cry just seeing how perfect those look on you.
Isabel hasn't cried since the doctor slapped her ass.
A doctor slapped my ass yesterday.
I didn't cry either.
I'll let you have them for 1,060.
Plus tax.
Ha ha!
Oh, God. Here we go.
These shoes might as well be chains.
I mean, you charge a woman $1,000
for something that subjugates her to men.
What subjugates? They make her 4 inches taller.
They really do.
Well, she can't run in them, can she?
You know, let me tell you something.
Those shoes are designed to position her glute in a way
which, amongst the primates,
suggests that she is in heat.
These are the same impulses that make fashion photographers
photograph women lying on the ground
or slumped to take away their dignity and their power.
Sisters arise and resist!
I don't understand what you're saying
'cause you're making good things sound bad.
My legs look 4 inches longer.
Right. Would you excuse us for a second?
Oh, sure.
This is so going on my blog.
Therese sent me.
Ay, crappity crap, crap, crap.
Can you give me a hand?
Yes, mister.
I meant I want the special price.
600 bucks a pair.
Come on, they're knock-offs.
I prefer the term counterfeit.
I can do 200 bucks. Final answer?
I'm gonna level with you.
Yes?
I'm not here for the shoes.
Yes?
I'm looking for a woman.
No...
One of your counterfeit customers named Lisa.
Lisa is a very common name.
You see this wear pattern?
Comes from gripping the toes tightly
'cause the shoe is too big.
Now, Lisa has different size feet,
so you probably tries to get you to sell her mismatched pairs
which you probably say no to, so she scrunches.
Oh, that Lisa.
You're gonna have to give me a good reason to tell you more.
Nipple clamps would be a good start.
You see the woman out there I came with?
Mm-hmm.
She is a cop.
So either you tell me where I can find Lisa,
or I'll ask Isabel back here to look into your special closet.
Isabelle: I'm gonna keep these in the box
until I ask Leo if he can actually afford 1,000 bucks.
They were only 200 bucks.
- They're fakes. - What?
I feel I should point out that even though
you think you look more beautiful in those shoes,
you actually don't.
I'm pretty sure I do.
No. The kind of beautiful you are
has nothing to do with those shoes.
Bonus. I figure you point out
the counterfeit shoe ring to customs enforcement.
It's a fine feather in your career cap,
which is now 4 inches further from the ground
because of those counterfeit heels.
[Horn honks]
Thank you for my lovely gift, Walter.
Hello?
On TV when a door swings open when you knock on it,
it means you're gonna find the place all rifled through
and a mystery.
Ok. Then if the apartment isn't tossed,
there's a dead body.
In a bathroom.
Usually behind the shower curtain.
Huh.
[Sniffs]
[Click]
[Electrical crackling]
Ah!
That was choice number 3.
Oh, wow.
Can I take these out?
Not so fast. Who are you?
Walter. I'm looking for Lisa.
Who are you?
Amanda. Lisa's roommate. Are you a creep?
Not for the most part.
You can take those out, but you should know I'm reloaded.
How did you carry 2 baskets of laundry?
Huh. There's only 1.
This is a really good taser.
Oh, can I have some water, please?
How come you never asked me what I want from Lisa?
Ow.
You want what every man wants from Lisa.
Which they always get, by the way.
I don't want that.
I just... want to return her shoe.
Oh. That's new.
Anyway, I don't know where Lisa is.
I haven't seen her in days.
- Is that normal? - Yes.
She goes places with guys...
And she always comes home alone.
Then she goes and buys herself one of these things
to cheer herself up.
Personally these make me feel suicidal.
But whatever.
Hey. Have you seen this guy?
Of course.
Really?
Yeah. I subscribe to "Scientific American."
That's Ira Messing.
He works for NASA.
It's his job to protect the earth from rogue asteroids.
Did Lisa know who he is?
Lisa wouldn't recognize Stephen Hawking
if he knocked her over with his wheelchair.
Hawking's a really famous physicist.
I know. I once found a pocket particle accelerator he lost.
That's cool.
It's not in the least surprising she knew me.
I'm very famous in certain circles.
Very small circles. Like dots.
The point Walter's trying to make
is that Lisa makes a habit of disappearing.
With men.
You say that with great portent as though I should care.
Most men do.
Lisa was terrified.
She was in danger.
I have to help her.
Why does a guy who can save the whole world
worry about 1 woman?
Because saving the world doesn't make you any less lonely.
Have either of you ever had children?
Yes.
And wouldn't you give up the world for them?
Yes.
I want a woman to love me.
I want a family.
Not to mention I owe it to the world to pass on my intelligence.
Don't worry. Walter won't stop looking until he finds her.
I can help.
I don't like help.
I hate help.
Please.
Walter, after you find Lisa,
it would be nice for Ira if he had played a part in it.
He can take all the credit. I don't care.
No, Mr. Sherman, you don't understand.
I would actually like to help Lisa. For real.
Maybe Ira should stake out the bar.
What good is that gonna do?
In case Lisa returns there.
You think she might do that?
[Mouths word]
Count on me.
Check.
I see what you're doing.
Getting him out of my hair.
Ok. Let's go with that.
What is wrong with you?
I saw him.
Nathan Stein.
Did you kill him?
Not so far.
Willa was there when I saw him.
Then she looked us up on the Internet.
She's not supposed to have access.
She hacked my computer.
It's not exactly hacking when you say your password out loud
every time you log on.
Ozymandias.
She says I'm looking for a daughter replacement.
Leo, Willa's really good at pushing people's buttons.
It's her special gift.
You just need to change your password
or she's gonna be on there all the time.
That's one way to solve the problem.
[Cell phone rings]
Who is this?
Hey, it's me. We busted the shoe store.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I got tased today.
I'm sure you deserved it.
I'm invoking my right to silence
'cause people like to talk in this situation.
Oh, my God, is that Johnny?
Yeah, he's invoking his right to remain silent.
Well, say hi for me.
If I can get a word in edgeways.
Let me have a pair of those counterfeit shoes.
Size 12.
Why, you dating an Amazon?
Nope. They're for me.
Of course they are.
Hey, look, I've had a chance to cool down since last night.
Yeah, what was that all about?
If I fire you, then your probation officer
will put you back in detention.
Fire me?
You can stay here until you find another job
or living arrangements.
Wait. You're getting rid of me?
Yes.
Ok, ok. You've made your point.
I've learned my lesson.
Never mention the dead daughter.
I'll give you good recommendations, but you have to leave.
You aren't welcome here anymore.
Maybe you should start out small, you know?
Little eye shadow and silk panties.
What are you doing?
Finding stuff. What are you doing?
Did you tell Leo to fire me?
Nope. I told him to change his passwords.
He fired you?
I made him mad I guess.
Oh, you guess. Isn't making people mad your top talent?
Leo takes things too serious.
Willa, Leo came face to face with the man
responsible for the deaths of his family.
It's pretty serious.
Then you compared yourself to his dead daughter.
Argh. God. These shoes make my feet hurt worse
then when they got whipped in Bahrain.
How do I make Leo not mad?
Build a time machine, don't be so horrible,
don't be born in the first place.
Hey, it's not like I don't want to get the hell out of here.
Liar.
You don't want to go anywhere
until you break into my vault.
What? I don't want to break into your vault.
What vault?
Oh, please.
You're easier to read than a large print
Harlan Coben novel.
Anyway, you said your vault's impossible to break into.
It is.
Then you've got nothing to worry about
and should tell me what to do so I can stay.
Please, Walter.
You got 3 options.
1, apologize.
Tried it. Didn't work.
2, beg for mercy.
I don't beg. What's number 3?
A teak splinter.
How do you think you get a teak splinter in the bottom of a shoe?
A boat.
Very good.
3, you find a way to make it up to Leo
and you make it good.
Like what?
That is your problem.
So we're looking for a boat.
With teak decks, yeah.
I see about a hundred boats in this marina with teak decks.
I count 87.
There's got to be a thousand marinas in Florida.
1,527.
And you picked this one marina because...
Before showing up at the night club,
Lisa got teak splinters in her shoes.
From a boat?
Ira checked with the cab companies. Nobody picked her up.
She was within walking distance of the club.
In high heels.
Believe me, it's like walking on hot coals.
And this is the only marina within stiletto hot coal walking distance.
I figured Lisa meets a big bad wolf on his boat,
he creeps her out, she totters off on her high heels
looking for prince charming.
You're just messing with Willa, right,
about this whole get gone thing?
Nope. You were right about her. I was wrong.
I can't help her.
So which boat is the big bad wolf boat?
Lisa also had bird poop in her hair.
[Gulls crying]
His name is Nathan Stein.
This guy is a diamond courier?
And rubies and emeralds, like that.
What's the con?
No con. Smash and grab.
No. That's not how we roll.
We steal. We don't rob.
What's the difference?
You hurt civilians, the police get their interest up.
You take stuff, the cops let it slide.
Timo, it's a quarter million dollars worth of jewels.
Fine. If you're too chicken,
I'll just as Costa.
He's scarier than you anyway.
Will you just... Give me a minute?
Just... I need to think.
Florida statute 8.10 section HC
defines trespass as willfully entering
without authorization or invitation.
What if I just trip and fall on it?
It's America. We sue.
I'll risk it.
Oh!
It's teak.
Walter?
You remember what happened
the last time you walked through an open door?
Yes. That's why you should go first.
Let's make this fast.
You know how I feel about boats.
Oh, man. What died in here?
It's a fishing boat. I'm guessing fish.
Do fish have molars?
Do fish have feet?
I need to you find out who owns a boat.
I need you not to confuse me with your secretary.
I'm always game for a little role play,
but this is time sensitive.
Walter, I don't have time to flirt with you.
Tell her about the bird, the tooth, and the shoes.
What? What tooth?
Leo says hi. Isabel sends her love.
No, she did not.
What are you hiding?
Boat's called Stardust.
Forget it, Walter.
Thank you.
Walter... Walter?
We need to take the shoes.
Statute 9.18, section 13a.
Tampering with or fabricating evidence
5 years in prison.
If we turn this over to the police,
I'll never find Cinderella.
Walter, doesn't this look like a serial killer to you?
Yes. Like a serial killer who kills women with size 8 feet.
And who handles serial killers? The FBI.
What about by the time the FBI catch up to where we are now
Cinderella will be hamburger.
If Lisa's not dead, we should try to save her life, right?
Aw, man, you are not playing fair.
Suppose Ira's a killer.
I'm Ira. You're Lisa.
Ira's the serial killer?
Fits the profile.
Smart, awkward, focused, an outsider.
You just described yourself.
I'm Ira. I meet you in a bar.
Buy you a drink. We chat. We chug.
We flirt.
Why do I have to be the girl?
A life is at stake here, Leo.
You look especially dapper this evening.
Best you can do?
Yes.
Ok.
I lure you back to my boar lair
where you get a sliver of teak in your shoe,
a poop in your hair,
then things get weird.
Then things get weird?
Get a little creepy with the shoe.
[Sniffs]
Mmm...
What are you doing?
Ow!
That's what I'd do.
Then I'd run away and hide
leaving my shoe behind because you're slobbering on it.
It's a pretty good theory, though.
Avery good theory.
Where are you going?
If prince charming is out there grinding up women into hamburger,
someone should keep an eye on him.
I'll keep looking for Cinderella.
There he is.
Can you do this?
Don't be shy.
Be a man.
Hand over the briefcase.
I don't think so.
Ah! Help!
I'm being robbed!
Timo: The hell with this.
Uh! Oh!
Now, you worm, now!
Ah!
Ah...
Now what do you want?
Ow!
You can't kill people and just walk around
being rich and happy.
Ok, ok, ok.
Ow! Ow!
[Moaning]
Ozymandias.
Uh. Uh. Argh...
You got the shoe?
You want to try it on?
What girl could resist happily ever after?
What's the matter with you?
That's not the right question.
The right question is, what's the matter with the slipper?
This isn't working.
It's complicated.
After all, not all women have the same size feet.
Well, I can make it fit.
Don't. Walter? Walter?
Walter? Walter?
Walter?
Hi.
Don't hi me. What are you and Leo up to?
I think we may have blundered onto a serial killer.
What? What did you say?
These are shoes I found on a boat
that might belong to a serial killer.
Are you telling me you removed evidence from a crime scene?
- Yes. - Did those shoes belong to the victims?
That's what I thought. But look. See?
Walter, you've potentially compromised an investigation
not to mention opened yourself up to criminal charges.
The wear pattern is the exact same in every shoe.
From the toes gripping.
So?
So these shoes don't belong to the victims.
They belong to the same person.
The killer?
Thank you for paying attention.
[Cell phone rings]
Walter, I can't talk right now.
Ira's on the move.
The woman he's following fits Lisa's description.
Prince charming is not the killer.
It's Cinderella.
What?
All of these shoes were worn
by the same person... Lisa.
She drops them and then kills
all the prince charmings that track her down.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Lisa's the killer?
Am I not being clear?
They're leaving.
You got to stop 'em, Leo.
- Do you have 'em? - No!
Meet us at the boat.
We attacked and crippled a straight for a Rolex
and a grand in cash?
Oops.
Oops? There's no oops, Willa.
You did this on purpose.
Relax, Timo.
Relax?
We just crippled a guy and you won't even tell me why.
I'm beginning to think what they say about you is true.
What do they say?
That you're only half Romani.
Who says that?
Your father wasn't gypsy.
And some people say that makes you gaje.
What are you gonna tell Uncle Shad?
Well, what do I say? Willa made me do it?
It makes me look weak and stupid.
Take it easy.
You don't get it, do you?
You lied to me. Family.
Uncle Shad finds out, he'll declare you gaje,
banish you.
Without the family, you're nothing.
You're all alone in this world.
So this Lisa person fakes that she's scared,
then she takes off, leaving her shoe behind.
That's right.
The men find her, and then she kills them.
So how do regular non-finder prince charmings find her?
Remember the napkin?
The one that got soaked?
She writes something on it, probably the name of the boat.
Lucky for Ira it got soaked, or he'd be dead now.
Aw, man.
She can't be much ahead of us.
Walter. Walter!
You're the finder. How do you find these people?
We follow the bird poop.
How do we follow bird poop?
The best is to follow the birds.
Statute 8.12 section 14.
A person commits theft if he obtains or uses a property of another.
I will risk it.
Walter? Walter!
[Rock music playing]
[Gulls crying]
[Music fading]
I've got her.
Where are you?
Two curves north of the marina.
I'll call the marine patrol. Do not go aboard, Walter.
Wait for the marine patrol.
You got it.
[Muffled yelling]
[Electrical crackling]
Two prince charmings for the price of one.
This really is a good taser.
[Electrical crackling]
Ah! Argh!
Would you ever consider tying yourself to the anchor?
The world would be a better place if all serial killers
started with themselves.
Huh.
You know, you are the first charming to find me
without the napkin.
Guess that makes you the smartest.
Well...
[Muffled]
Not to boast,
but technically I'm the smartest charming.
And yet here you both are, tied to chairs,
about to become snacks for fish.
Well, that makes you the smartest.
You know you all think you're the smartest charming.
But none of you knows the first thing about real romance.
It's just all about sex.
You told me so yourself.
I was hoping she'd find my honesty refreshing.
Nah, they never do.
Why do you hate prince charming so much?
I don't hate prince charming.
I'm still waiting for him to walk through that door.
So far you've just all been imposters.
What empirical results would you have to observe
in order to conclude you'd found the real prince charming?
She needs someone to see past her beautiful exterior,
to get to know the real her like I do.
Your favorite scent is jasmin.
It's also your favorite flower.
You hate "Ghost" and Heathcliff
but love "Ladyhawke" and Lancelot.
You fell in love when you were young.
But it was forbidden love.
A cousin maybe or... another girl.
But ever since then, you have been searching
for that special person, the one.
But in your heart,
you know that you always want what you cannot have,
and that, that is not fair.
I brought you something.
It's in the bag.
Go ahead.
Just let me put it on your foot.
I just need one hand.
Uh!
Whoa!
[Electrical crackling]
Aah! Ah!
[Banging, muffled yelling]
Oh...
You ok?
Yes.
Oh. Oh.
Do you realize how close you were to getting killed?
You should be happy.
You get all the credit for catching a serial killer.
Taste this.
Believe me, I love getting credit,
but not if it means you're dead.
Don't get all soft on me, Zambada.
I am not your boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
This is the best drink I have ever had in my life.
Yeah? I call it the Knox me out.
After Leo. Get it?
I get it. Very clever.
'Cause his name is Leo Knox?
And this place needs a signature drink.
Ira: The asteroid known as apophis
could pass close enough to earth in 2029
to affect a perambulation in its path.
Well, I estimate the chances of that happening
as approximately 1 in 250,000.
Ooh!
Quit talking smut over here.
Ha ha!
What is going on over there?
I promised to find his Cinderella.
That's her.
True love is a strange animal.
So what are you doing running the bar?
Where's Leo?
Leo's taking care of a human resources problem.
Can I say something?
If you lie to me, I won't be able to do the right thing.
What's the right thing?
Keep you at the Ends of the Earth.
I won't lie.
Ok. Who helped you?
My cousin Timo.
Gypsies steal. They con.
They don't beat people with baseball bats.
I bamboozled Timo into it.
If he tells the family I lied to him,
they'll kick me out.
Are there any rules you won't break?
It's Walter's fault.
He said make it up to you.
So I did.
Walter meant bake me a cake.
The violence was totally on you.
Violence comes from anger. I know what I'm talking about.
Because Nathan Stein made decisions
he knew would kill your wife and daughter?
When I set out to kill Nathan Stein,
Walter stopped me.
That's why we're all together now.
I know it made you glad to see that man all bruised and beaten up.
My heart soared.
But what my heart needs is to forgive.
He doesn't deserve it.
I deserve it. You deserve it.
What was your daughter's name?
Ellie.
Her name was Ellie, and I loved her.
Thank you for forgiving me.
That's right. Thank you.
You better say thank you.
Well, I did.
It's pretty.
That's right, it's pretty.
You better say it's pretty.
Well, I did.
Ripped By mstoll