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[Applause]
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I've been dying to review
this place for my blog.
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It's one of my
"off the beaten path" picks.
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Huh?
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This is on the beaten path.
See, look.
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That's been stepped on.
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Mine. Thine.
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You.
♪ you
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all right, they're doing spoken word.
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- Is that what that is?
- Yeah.
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I thought it was an illiterate ghost.
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- Ha.
- Heart spills.
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Next day, glad.
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- Ouch.
- Oh.
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As a society, we really need
to do a better job
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at teaching men how
to express their emotions.
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Yeah.
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Now give it up for Lance Jeffries.
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[Clapping]
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Roxanne's Lance?
We hate him.
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Oh, God.
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- He looks totally different.
- No, he doesn't.
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He's exactly the same.
He's doing spoken word,
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he's probably sleeping around.
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That microphone is gonna
get a cold sore in an hour.
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Mm-hmm.
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Girl. My girl.
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Ugh, God, I don't wanna hear
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about all the whores
he cheated on Roxanne with.
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I miss.
Your blond hair.
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Wait, is he talking about Roxanne?
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I miss your kind words.
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Both: Not Roxanne.
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I miss your milky breasts.
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That's Roxanne.
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Her breasts are not milky.
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They are so milky.
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I need you.
Every single day.
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Now he's just talking about Valtrex.
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Roxanne. Rox. Anne.
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Anne of the Rox variety.
I love you.
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Maybe it's a different Roxanne.
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My ex-wife.
My ex-life. Roxanne.
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- Damn it.
- Same one.
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Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience,
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so...
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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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Whew, really burning the midnight oil
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on this one, huh?
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Thanks for your help.
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Oh, it's okay.
I need to put in the O.T.
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I'm taking next week off
to visit my folks.
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Oh, that's cool.
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Where in India are they?
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Um... they're in Akron.
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Ohio.
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Oh.
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I didn't know there was
a reservation there.
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I'm kidding, man.
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I know what kind of Indian you are.
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Oh, yeah, that's, uh...
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Okay, why the hell
won't these numbers work? I...
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Ah, it's 'cause you've got
40% listed under residuals.
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You have to account for payroll,
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so the number should
really be... 38.25.
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Wow.
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You people really
are geniuses at math.
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Come on, computer.
Be more Indian.
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Okay.
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Ugh.
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What, you get invited
to another baby shower?
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I just ran into Lance.
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Roxanne's Lance?
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No, Lance bass.
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Remember when he was straight?
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God, we're old.
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Is he back from New York?
Where did you see him?
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At some stupid cafe.
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And what did he say?
Did he ask about me?
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Does he wanna get
the band back together?
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Does he still party with Joakim Noah?
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I didn't talk to him.
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He was doing some poetry
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about how he wants
to get Roxanne back.
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I don't know what to do.
He, like, ruined her life.
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Okay, so did he specifically say
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he wants to get Roxanne back,
or was it more like he just,
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like, generally misses all of us?
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Who cares?
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He lied to her, he cheated on her,
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and now he has the balls
to take alimony from her.
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All right, well, look, you know,
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Roxanne admitted that the
divorce wasn't all his fault.
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And besides, I liked Lance, you know?
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The four of us
used to hang out a lot.
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He used to be one of my best friends.
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Interesting.
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I'm gonna choose to focus
on the "one of"
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part of that sentence
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and help myself
to a piece of chocolate.
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I don't know what to do.
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Roxanne has been so happy lately.
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Like, the happiest I have
seen her since the divorce.
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I haven't heard her talk
about Lance in a month,
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she stopped emailing Gloria Allred.
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I'm just afraid if I tell her,
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it's gonna open up old wounds.
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You kind of have
to tell her, you know?
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I mean, would you feel okay
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keeping something
from your best friend?
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See?
Whitney only has one.
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She doesn't have a team
of best friends.
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She just has one.
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What is the cookie situation
in this place?
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I need your bathroom.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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Oh, damn it!
No! Idiot!
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So Whitney's not here.
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Uh... but all the girl stuff
is in the left drawer.
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Uh, and please don't look
in the right drawer.
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[Whimpering]
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[Whining]
Oh.
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Aw, you looked
in the right drawer, huh?
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No.
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God, no, this is really bad, okay?
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I lost my engagement ring.
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Ooh.
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Promise me you won't tell Neal.
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Yeah, I don't know, Lil.
I mean...
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Neal and I talk about
your engagement ring a lot.
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Oh, I was hoping it would be here.
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I've looked everywhere.
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Well, why don't you just
tell Neal you lost it?
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Because he always accuses me
of being flighty.
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Oh, my God, where's my purse?
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Oh! Thank God, okay.
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Well, look.
It'll be okay, all right?
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- We'll find the ring.
- Really?
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Let's just retrace your steps.
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Okay, yeah, um...
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I walked into your bathroom.
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- Okay.
- Okay.
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Uh, so...
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What... what...
What are you doing?
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Well, that's how you walk.
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That is not how I walk.
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[Knocking]
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- Whit, hey.
- Hey.
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What... what are you doing here?
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I have something to tell you,
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and I think it might blow your mind,
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so I didn't wanna tell you
over the phone.
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I thought I heard those boots.
Hey, Whit.
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Please tell me you are hosting
a terrible poetry night
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in your apartment,
and not in your compartment.
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{pub}Oh Whit, always masking anger
with jokes.
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I'm not masking anything.
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I hate you.
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Okay, Lance.
I think you should go.
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Whit has some things
she needs to freak out about.
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Whit, I see your anger,
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and I raise you an "I've changed."
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I've evolved, and I hope
this can be a positive
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and freeing moment for all of us.
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Now I gotta get back to work...
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On myself.
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Okay, look.
I... I'm really sorry.
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I've been wanting
to tell you for weeks.
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This has been going on for weeks?
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Roxanne, the sex can't be that good.
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Do you not remember
how badly he hurt you?
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Do you have Vag-Alzheimer's?
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All right, I... I know that this
is gonna be hard to believe,
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but I think he's changed.
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I mean, he... he's thoughtful now,
and he's self-aware...
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And! And!
He has a job.
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Okay.
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Doing what?
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I am not sure.
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But he comes home angry
with money, so it checks out.
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Roxanne...
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You made me promise
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that I would never let you do this.
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We made a pact.
You said,
190
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,862
"Whitney, if I ever think about
getting back with Lance,
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punch me in the face."
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So...
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Get up.
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Wha... Whit.
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Look, I know you're being a good,
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though overly literal,
friend right now,
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and I do appreciate that,
so I'm absolving you
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of any responsibility from that pact.
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Pact off.
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You can't undo a pact
unless both sides agree.
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That is in the Bible.
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I am not letting you do this.
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Pact on.
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I can feel in my gut
it is different this time.
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You cannot trust your gut, okay?
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If everyone went around
trusting their gut all the time,
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the world would be chaos.
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If I trusted my gut,
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I would have an eight-year-old kid
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and a funny t-shirt business.
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Well, I don't know what to tell you.
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We're three weeks in,
and I'm really happy.
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00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,184
Okay, well, good luck to you,
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00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,853
because everything goes well
in the beginning, okay?
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00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,255
I've got about a thousand
t-shirts in storage that say
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00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,607
"I don't work for the post office,
217
00:09:08,732 --> 00:09:10,592
but I will inspect your package."
218
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:17,021
I still don't see
how this guy insulted you,
219
00:09:17,146 --> 00:09:18,533
but that's just me.
I don't see color.
220
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,519
I judge people by
how much money they have.
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00:09:21,685 --> 00:09:25,607
He said, "you people are geniuses."
222
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,442
Calling Indians smart
is just as racist
223
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,569
as saying Asians can't drive.
224
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,446
Yeah, but saying
you're smart's a compliment.
225
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,948
That cancels out the racism.
226
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It's like... it's like
putting a smiley face
227
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at the end of a mean text.
228
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It's still racist.
229
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,357
He assumed that I had
certain qualities
230
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,083
because of my skin color.
231
00:09:44,249 --> 00:09:45,360
Well, if it bothered you so much,
232
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:46,645
why didn't you say something?
233
00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:50,173
I mean, besides the fact that
all Indians are polite.
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00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,092
I don't know.
He caught me off guard.
235
00:09:53,258 --> 00:09:54,603
Dude, I think you're being sensitive.
236
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,262
Yeah... yeah, of course I am.
237
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:57,406
I... I mean, you're Irish.
238
00:09:57,531 --> 00:09:58,473
Should I just assume that you like
239
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,058
to drink and fight all the time?
240
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I do like to drink and fight.
241
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,479
But... but that's
not because I'm Irish.
242
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That's 'cause my dad taught me
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that drinking and fighting
is how you solve problems,
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'cause... he's Irish.
245
00:10:12,736 --> 00:10:14,356
Yeah, it would've been better
if he had just said,
246
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,524
"all Indians are Indian."
247
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That is the only generalization
that is true.
248
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,160
I don't know, man.
249
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All Indians are Indian?
250
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,831
Somehow that sounds bad.
251
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Next time he says something... mm.
252
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I'm gonna call him out on it.
253
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I think that'll go well,
254
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,055
because if there's
one thing racists love,
255
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:33,132
it's hearing that they're racist
and then apologizing for it.
256
00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:35,510
Well, it's a whole new world.
257
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:37,178
Roxanne is back with Lance,
258
00:10:37,344 --> 00:10:38,697
we have a black president,
259
00:10:38,822 --> 00:10:40,890
and I just downloaded
a country song on purpose.
260
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So we might as well go in the bedroom
261
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,729
and do that other thing
I said was never gonna happen.
262
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:49,630
- Uh, uh, about... about Lance...
- Oh, my God.
263
00:10:49,755 --> 00:10:52,318
If you defend him right now,
I swear to God, I...
264
00:10:52,484 --> 00:10:53,945
So, bro, we should get going.
265
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,113
What is he doing here?
266
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:56,224
What are you doing here?
267
00:10:56,349 --> 00:10:57,466
And why are you so concerned
268
00:10:57,591 --> 00:11:00,451
with the temperature of your neck?
269
00:11:00,617 --> 00:11:02,721
Look, Roxanne emailed,
270
00:11:02,846 --> 00:11:04,439
and he said he had
two bulls tickets, all right?
271
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,641
I figure if Roxanne
was cool with it, you know,
272
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:09,419
and you didn't find out,
then it'd be okay.
273
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:10,379
This is not okay.
274
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,171
Why is everybody
suddenly okay with him?
275
00:11:12,337 --> 00:11:13,565
If Roxanne forgave him,
276
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:15,183
then how long are we supposed
to wait till we forgive him?
277
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:19,488
What, one week? Two weeks?
27 minutes till tip off?
278
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,189
Whitney, I know I screwed up.
279
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,425
And not just with Roxanne,
but with all of you guys.
280
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,274
- But I wanna win you back.
- Arms up.
281
00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:29,731
I just wanna figure out a way
282
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:32,191
to make it cool between us.
283
00:11:32,357 --> 00:11:33,635
Man, that sounds like
a really sincere man.
284
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,112
With two bulls tickets.
285
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,006
I made a promise to Roxanne
286
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,175
that I would never let her
make this mistake again,
287
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,743
and I intend to keep that promise.
288
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,513
You're really undoing the yoga class
289
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:45,747
I took this morning.
290
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:46,956
Look, you know what?
291
00:11:47,122 --> 00:11:48,350
Whit, I'm gonna give you
some alone time
292
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,485
to process this, okay?
Maybe four quarters' worth.
293
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,795
Uh...
294
00:11:52,961 --> 00:11:56,024
And we are just gonna head
to the game, okay? And...
295
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,052
Unless... were you serious
about the bedroom stuff?
296
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,763
I'll call you on the way.
I'll call you on the way.
297
00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:08,170
So how's the ring search going?
298
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,438
Not good.
299
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,022
Hey, can you carry the rest
of these drinks for me?
300
00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:13,742
I have to keep my left hand
in my pocket until...
301
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:17,045
Death do us part.
302
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,613
Okay, good, we're all here.
303
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,239
Uh, as you all know,
304
00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:22,784
Roxanne has been hoodwinked
by Lance, so...
305
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,661
How are we gonna break them up?
306
00:12:25,827 --> 00:12:27,722
Okay, look, I know you're trying
to be a good friend to Roxanne,
307
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,691
so why don't you
just punch her in the face
308
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:31,793
so we can all hang out
with Lance again?
309
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,129
You don't get to vote,
because he's your boyfriend.
310
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,548
Wow, he went from best friend
to boyfriend in one day.
311
00:12:37,714 --> 00:12:40,569
Look, it's true, okay?
He's changed, all right?
312
00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:41,970
He... he goes to therapy now.
313
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,304
He's really turning his life around.
314
00:12:43,470 --> 00:12:46,508
Is he?
Is he turning it around?
315
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,643
I get it.
You hate me.
316
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:49,811
Okay.
317
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,730
- People don't change.
- I don't know.
318
00:12:52,896 --> 00:12:54,483
Lily and I have both changed
since we've been together.
319
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:55,684
She's made me more laid-back,
320
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,853
and I've made her
way more responsible.
321
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:01,156
Oh, yes... yes, you have.
You totally have.
322
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,325
Because real change comes from...
323
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,869
In here.
324
00:13:07,035 --> 00:13:09,097
Look, Whit, you've changed.
I mean, before you met me,
325
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,499
you didn't believe
in monogamy or relationships.
326
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,501
Uh, by many accounts, she
still doesn't believe in them,
327
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,370
she just happens to be
in a monogamous relationship.
328
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,557
Yeah, yeah, you used
to have serious trust issues.
329
00:13:18,682 --> 00:13:21,042
Breaking into boyfriends'
phones, emails, cars,
330
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,052
the occasional beach house...
That was fun.
331
00:13:23,218 --> 00:13:27,149
Women snoop because it works, okay?
332
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,550
I thought a guy
was cheating on me once
333
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,869
so I went into his computer,
and I found out he was sleeping
334
00:13:30,994 --> 00:13:32,254
with three other women.
335
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:35,257
Eight months later, I left his ass.
336
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,292
Okay?
Lance is a liar.
337
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,069
So who's gonna help me
prove it to Roxanne?
338
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:42,321
I will.
339
00:13:42,487 --> 00:13:46,242
Really? No one?
340
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,195
[Knock at door]
341
00:13:52,372 --> 00:13:54,834
- Hey.
- Hey.
342
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,412
I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday,
343
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:58,847
and that's totally my fault.
344
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,782
I mean, we are both adults,
345
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:02,508
and we should just get past this.
346
00:14:02,674 --> 00:14:04,218
I totally agree.
347
00:14:04,384 --> 00:14:05,654
And in order for me to do that,
348
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:08,456
I'm just gonna need, like,
an hour alone in your apartment.
349
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:09,974
What?
350
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:13,144
Well, if you're different now,
you should have nothing to hide.
351
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,430
This is an insane
invasion of privacy,
352
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,273
and right in your strike zone.
353
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,108
I don't like this
any more than you do.
354
00:14:19,274 --> 00:14:20,318
You're really gonna do this.
355
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:21,944
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
356
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,780
Leave your phone and wallet.
357
00:14:24,946 --> 00:14:26,991
Do you need my computer password?
358
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,773
Password?
359
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:31,837
That's cute.
360
00:14:37,997 --> 00:14:38,846
{pub}Hey, Whit.
361
00:14:38,971 --> 00:14:41,047
I brought some stuff from the station,
in case we need it.
362
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:42,827
Oh...
363
00:14:42,952 --> 00:14:46,430
I have all the tools
I need right here.
364
00:14:46,555 --> 00:14:48,846
Bad childhood.
365
00:14:49,012 --> 00:14:50,634
No, no, no.
I'm a cop.
366
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,870
This is evidence to plant.
367
00:14:52,995 --> 00:14:55,172
'Cause we have to get Lance
away from Alex.
368
00:14:55,297 --> 00:14:58,481
I mean, um... Roxanne.
369
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:00,478
Boom! We're in.
370
00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:01,734
Still got it.
371
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,197
How'd you figure out his password?
372
00:15:03,322 --> 00:15:05,416
Colts jacket,
childhood dog named Mookie,
373
00:15:05,541 --> 00:15:08,002
born in 1978, Lance is an idiot,
374
00:15:08,127 --> 00:15:10,535
password's "1-2-3-4."
375
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,954
God, you're good.
What are these photos?
376
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,124
I'm gonna go into his Facebook page
377
00:15:14,249 --> 00:15:15,342
and isolate all his cropped pictures,
378
00:15:15,467 --> 00:15:16,460
then compare them to the originals
379
00:15:16,585 --> 00:15:17,583
to see who he's cutting out.
380
00:15:17,749 --> 00:15:21,712
You got that under control.
381
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:27,677
Where should I put an ear?
382
00:15:32,305 --> 00:15:36,978
Hey, we did it, buddy.
Shots on me.
383
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,188
Aah! What was that?
384
00:15:39,354 --> 00:15:40,751
Jalapeno Tequila.
385
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:42,858
Nice and spicy.
Thought you'd like it.
386
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:46,404
Why would I like it?
387
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:49,615
Don't you like spicy food?
388
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,659
Because I'm Indian?
389
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:53,430
Hey, man, I'm jealous, okay?
390
00:15:53,555 --> 00:15:54,865
It's how you stay so skinny.
391
00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:57,234
I'd lose a few pounds too
if I only ate Indian food.
392
00:15:57,359 --> 00:15:58,958
Stuff goes right through you.
393
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,252
Okay, you know what, Roger? Um...
394
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,671
Hey, Ira's finally here.
You haven't met him, right?
395
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:05,876
Ira Stein,
works in international accounting?
396
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:07,511
I'd love for you two brains to meet.
397
00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,510
Hey, Ira.
I'm Neal.
398
00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:11,470
Um, I'm Ira. 'sup?
399
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:14,098
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry,
I just thought that...
400
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:15,891
That an accountant
can't be a black man?
401
00:16:16,057 --> 00:16:18,019
No, that...
402
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,562
Oh, that a black man
can't be named Ira.
403
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,459
Wow, man.
404
00:16:22,584 --> 00:16:24,762
That's uncool.
405
00:16:24,887 --> 00:16:26,152
I mean, you of all people.
406
00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:29,266
[Indian accent]
I'm really sorry.
407
00:16:29,391 --> 00:16:30,531
I just moved here from India.
408
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:36,537
And, oh, look, there is my fiancee.
409
00:16:40,969 --> 00:16:42,960
- Hey.
- Hey.
410
00:16:43,126 --> 00:16:44,127
[Laughing weakly]
411
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:48,466
Neal, I lost my engagement ring.
412
00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,551
I loved it, and I love you,
413
00:16:50,717 --> 00:16:53,512
and I don't want you
to think I'm a flighty idiot.
414
00:16:53,678 --> 00:16:55,556
It's okay.
415
00:16:55,722 --> 00:16:57,328
No, it's not okay.
416
00:16:57,453 --> 00:17:00,431
That ring was really
expensive and perfect,
417
00:17:00,556 --> 00:17:02,563
and now it's gone forever.
418
00:17:02,729 --> 00:17:06,170
No, honey, it's okay.
419
00:17:06,295 --> 00:17:09,111
That ring was actually a fake.
420
00:17:12,476 --> 00:17:13,477
What?
421
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:16,447
Well, I thought that
you might lose the ring,
422
00:17:16,572 --> 00:17:20,250
so I got you a fake one.
423
00:17:20,375 --> 00:17:21,791
Isn't that great news?
424
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:26,390
You got me a fake ring?
425
00:17:26,515 --> 00:17:27,791
I've been walking around
with a fake ring on
426
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,466
- for the past three months?
- Uh-huh.
427
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:33,197
My finger turned green, and I
went to four dermatologists
428
00:17:33,322 --> 00:17:34,732
thinking I was
allergic to platinum...
429
00:17:34,857 --> 00:17:38,307
Oh, my God, that's where it is.
It's at the dermatologist.
430
00:17:38,594 --> 00:17:39,892
Hey, this is not over.
431
00:17:42,602 --> 00:17:46,524
Whit, this is seriously crazy
432
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:47,566
and insane.
433
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:50,361
I hate to say "I told you so," but...
434
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,571
In Lance's couch pillows, I found...
435
00:17:52,737 --> 00:17:55,074
A pair of crotchless panties.
436
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,742
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
437
00:17:56,908 --> 00:17:59,328
He's still addicted to godless sluts.
438
00:17:59,494 --> 00:18:02,623
- Those are mine.
- Come on, Roxanne!
439
00:18:02,789 --> 00:18:04,083
Those are so unsanitary.
440
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:07,431
Well, they weren't
originally crotchless, it just...
441
00:18:07,556 --> 00:18:10,923
You know what?
That's a long story.
442
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:13,687
Okay, but you gotta look
at his Amazon order history.
443
00:18:13,812 --> 00:18:15,522
He ordered a heart-shaped locket
444
00:18:15,647 --> 00:18:19,807
for some stripper named "angel dust."
445
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:21,976
That's his nickname for me.
446
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:26,183
Okay, you know what?
I still have five more minutes.
447
00:18:26,308 --> 00:18:27,648
I'm just gonna hop
in his dumpster real fast.
448
00:18:27,814 --> 00:18:30,276
No, Whit.
Stop, okay?
449
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,623
I know Lance cheated on me before.
450
00:18:32,748 --> 00:18:33,991
You know what my evidence is?
451
00:18:34,116 --> 00:18:36,824
I walked in on him
cheating on me before.
452
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:38,826
Exactly.
So why are we here?
453
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:42,329
Because I'm choosing
to believe he's changed.
454
00:18:42,495 --> 00:18:44,368
What if you're wrong?
455
00:18:44,493 --> 00:18:46,250
What if this is
another complete disaster?
456
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,838
Well, I don't know
what's gonna happen,
457
00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:50,407
but I'm gonna hope that it goes well,
458
00:18:50,532 --> 00:18:53,182
and I need you to hope
for the same thing.
459
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:58,179
Can you hope, Whitney?
460
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:01,015
I can try.
461
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,601
Thank you.
462
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:07,124
So these last couple weeks,
Lance is the reason
463
00:19:07,249 --> 00:19:11,484
for all of the laughing
and smiling and waxing?
464
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,235
Yup.
465
00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:15,466
Okay.
466
00:19:15,591 --> 00:19:17,201
New pact...
467
00:19:17,326 --> 00:19:18,783
When you're happy, I'm happy.
468
00:19:19,269 --> 00:19:20,677
But if he cheats on you again,
469
00:19:20,802 --> 00:19:22,745
this is the last face
he is ever gonna see.
470
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,789
Pact on.
471
00:19:26,289 --> 00:19:28,445
And I do want you to know that...
472
00:19:28,570 --> 00:19:29,847
It means a lot to me that you went
473
00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:32,129
full on "crazy bitch" on this one.
474
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:38,135
I'm not gonna lie.
Feels good to be back.
475
00:19:38,301 --> 00:19:40,012
Right.
[Laughing]
476
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:43,474
Wait, Whit, are you
wearing Lance's cologne?
477
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,450
Oh, yeah, I put it on so Alex
would pay more attention to me.
478
00:19:51,619 --> 00:19:53,474
{pub}Thank you guys for coming
to support Lance.
479
00:19:53,599 --> 00:19:55,402
Oh!
480
00:19:55,568 --> 00:19:58,937
I can't think of anything
positive to say.
481
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,756
You smell good, Whit.
482
00:20:04,376 --> 00:20:06,187
This next guy is a real all-star
483
00:20:06,312 --> 00:20:07,206
in the slam poetry community.
484
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,582
He's also my N.A. Sponsor.
485
00:20:08,748 --> 00:20:10,668
Give it up for Lance Jeffries.
486
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,797
[Applause]
487
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,765
Uh, remember, it's anonymous, Jacob.
488
00:20:17,890 --> 00:20:19,934
Thank you.
Uh, this new poem
489
00:20:20,059 --> 00:20:23,097
is inspired by a powerful person
who just came back into my life.
490
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:24,682
Do you think he means me?
491
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:28,227
He means me.
492
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:29,687
Long hair.
493
00:20:31,687 --> 00:20:33,748
Black boots.
Black soul.
494
00:20:33,873 --> 00:20:34,817
Whit. Ney.
495
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:36,517
Break. Ing.
Enter. Ing.
496
00:20:36,642 --> 00:20:37,820
Storm in.
497
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,873
Big teeth.
Small breasts.
498
00:20:41,948 --> 00:20:43,891
Okay.
499
00:20:44,016 --> 00:20:45,292
No, no, come on.
Don't leave.
500
00:20:45,417 --> 00:20:46,377
Oh, no, I'm going up next.
501
00:20:46,502 --> 00:20:47,578
I have a little poem called
502
00:20:47,703 --> 00:20:50,273
"Lance, I went
through your browser history."
503
00:20:50,398 --> 00:20:52,282
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com