1
00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:04,130
Goodbye.

2
00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,168
(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

3
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:07,762
Mmm.

4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,502
I've been dying
to review this place
for my blog.

5
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,544
It's one of
my "Off the Beaten
Path Picks."

6
00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:12,737
Hmm.

7
00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:14,643
This is on the beaten
path. See? Look.

8
00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,382
That's been stepped on.

9
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:20,043
"Mine, thine

10
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,781
"You, you"

11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,755
Oh, all right.
They're doing
spoken word.

12
00:00:23,823 --> 00:00:25,017
Is that what that is?
Yeah.

13
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,255
I thought it was
an illiterate ghost.

14
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,324
"Heart spills, next day

15
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,225
"Glad, ouch"

16
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:33,589
Oh.

17
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,901
As a society,
we really need to do

18
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,095
a better job at
teaching men

19
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,638
how to express
their emotions.
Yeah.

20
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,770
Now, give it up
for Lance Jeffries.

21
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:42,932
(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

22
00:00:43,009 --> 00:00:44,067
Roxanne's Lance?

23
00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:46,138
LlLY: We hate him.

24
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:48,974
Oh, God. He looks
totally different.

25
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:50,977
No, he doesn't.
He's exactly the same.

26
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,985
He's doing spoken word.

27
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,884
He's probably
sleeping around.

28
00:00:54,954 --> 00:00:57,218
That microphone is
going to get a cold sore
in an hour.

29
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,279
Mmm-hmm.

30
00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:00,825
"Girl, my girl"

31
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,657
Ugh! God.
I don't want to hear
about all the whores

32
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,128
he cheated on
Roxanne with.

33
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:07,462
"I miss your blonde hair"

34
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:09,132
Wait. Is he talking
about Roxanne?

35
00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:10,897
"I miss your kind words"

36
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,063
Oh. Not Roxanne.
Not Roxanne.

37
00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:15,699
"I miss your milky breasts"

38
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:17,003
That's Roxanne.

39
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,544
Her breasts are
not milky.

40
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:20,272
They are so milky.

41
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:24,080
"I need you
Every single day"

44
00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,378
"Anne of the Rox variety

45
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:31,822
"I love you

46
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,788
"I'm coming to
get you back"

47
00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:36,092
Okay. What do we do?
Do we tell her?

48
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,220
Maybe it's
a different Roxanne.

49
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:40,298
"My ex-wife
My ex-life, Roxanne"

50
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,867
Okay.
Damn it.

51
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:46,236
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped
in front of a live
studio audience.

52
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:47,295
So...

53
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:51,837
(SlGHS)

54
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:55,210
Whoo. Really burning
the midnight oil
on this one, huh?

55
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,680
Thanks for your help.

56
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,774
Ah, it's okay.
I need to put in the O.T.

57
00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,953
I'm taking next week off
to visit my folks.

58
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,750
Oh, that's cool.
Where in lndia
are they?

59
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:08,419
Um, they're in Akron.
Ohio.

60
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:12,794
Ah. I didn't know there
was a reservation there.

61
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:17,600
I'm kidding, man.
I know what kind
of lndian you are.

62
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:20,264
(LAUGHlNG) Oh.
That's...

63
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,805
(CLEARS THROAT)

64
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,800
Okay, why the hell won't
these numbers work?

65
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:28,143
Oh, it's 'cause you've got
40% listed under residuals.

66
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,203
You have to
account for payroll,

67
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:32,376
so the number should really be
thirty-eight and a quarter.

68
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,476
Wow. (LAUGHS)

69
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,454
You people really
are geniuses at math.

70
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:38,582
(SlGHS)

71
00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:42,152
Come on, computer.
Be more lndian.

72
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,091
(SPECTATORS CHEERlNG ON TV)

73
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:51,797
Ugh.

74
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:53,933
What, did you get invited
to another baby shower?

75
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,999
I just ran into Lance.

76
00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:58,972
Roxanne's Lance?

77
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:00,569
No. Lance Bass.

78
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,412
Remember when
he was straight?

79
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,444
God, we're old.

80
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,080
Is he back from New York?
Where did you see him?

81
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,885
At some stupid cafe.

82
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,585
And what did he say?
Did he ask about me?

83
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,125
Does he want to get
the band back together?

84
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,722
Does he still party
with Joakim Noah?

85
00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:21,593
I didn't talk to him.

86
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,432
He was doing some poetry
about how he wants to
get Roxanne back.

87
00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:26,870
I don't know what to do.
He, like, ruined her life.

88
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,340
Okay, so, did he
specifically say he wants
to get Roxanne back?

89
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,274
Or was it more like
he just, like, generally
misses all of us?

90
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,070
Who cares?

91
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:36,971
He lied to her,
he cheated on her,

92
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,042
and now, he has the balls
to take alimony from her.

93
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,850
All right. Well, look.
You know, Roxanne admitted

94
00:03:42,922 --> 00:03:45,015
that the divorce
wasn't all his fault.

95
00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:46,285
And besides,
I liked Lance.

96
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:48,054
You know, the four of us
used to hang out a lot.

97
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:49,526
He used to be
one of my best friends.

98
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,296
Interesting.

99
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,764
I'm going to choose to
focus on the "one of" part
of that sentence.

100
00:03:57,837 --> 00:03:59,930
And help myself to
a piece of chocolate.
(CLEARS THROAT)

101
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,698
(EXHALES)

102
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,168
I don't know what to do.

103
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,871
Roxanne has been
so happy lately.

104
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:08,004
Like, the happiest
I have seen her
since the divorce.

105
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,639
I haven't heard her talk
about Lance in a month.

106
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:11,411
She stopped
emailing Gloria Allred.

107
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,280
I'm just afraid
if I tell her,

108
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,878
it's going to
open up old wounds.

109
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,415
You kind of
have to tell her.

110
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:18,514
You know? I mean,
would you feel okay

111
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,024
keeping something
from your best friend?

112
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:21,487
See?
Whitney only has one.

113
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:23,791
She doesn't have a team
of best friends.
She just has one.

114
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,098
What is the cookie situation
in this place?

115
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,474
I need your bathroom.
No, no, no, no, no.

116
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:38,805
No, no, no, no, no.

117
00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,072
No, no, no, no, no.

118
00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,408
No, no, no, no, no.

119
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,039
No, no, no, no, no.

120
00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:46,884
Oh, damn it!
No! Idiot!

121
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,289
So, Whitney's not here.

122
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,953
Uh, but all the girl stuff
is in the left drawer.

123
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,929
Uh, and please don't look
in the right drawer.

124
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,692
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

125
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,201
(GROANS) Oh.

126
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,333
Oh, you looked
in the right drawer, huh?

127
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,838
No.

128
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,809
No, this is really bad.

129
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,283
Okay?

130
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:20,876
I lost
my engagement ring.

131
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:22,545
Ooh.

132
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,782
Promise me
you won't tell Neal.

133
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,957
Yeah,
I don't know, Lil.

134
00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:29,119
I mean,
Neal and I talk about your
engagement ring a lot.

135
00:05:31,197 --> 00:05:32,357
I was hoping
it would be here.

136
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:33,592
I've looked everywhere.

137
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,395
Well, why don't you
just tell Neal
you lost it?

138
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:38,026
Because he always
accuses me of
being flighty.

139
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:40,733
Oh, my God.
Where is my purse?

140
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,969
(SlGHS) Thank God.

141
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,377
(LAUGHlNG) Okay.

142
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,071
Well, look,
it will be okay.

143
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:51,343
All right?
We'll find the ring.

144
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:53,551
Really?
Let's just retrace
your steps.

145
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:56,588
Okay. Yeah.
Um, I walked into
your bathroom.

146
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:57,881
Okay.
Okay.

147
00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,288
Um... So...

148
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,565
What... What...
What are you doing?

149
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,898
Well, that's how
you walk.

150
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,701
That is not how
I walk. (SCOFFS)

151
00:06:15,341 --> 00:06:16,740
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

152
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:21,104
Whit! Hey.
Hey.

153
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,408
What... What are
you doing here?

154
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:23,744
I have something
to tell you.

155
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,910
And I think it might
blow your mind.

156
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:29,420
So, I didn't want
to tell you
over the phone.

157
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,821
I thought I heard
those boots. Hey, Whit.

158
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:35,553
Please tell me
you are hosting

159
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:38,995
a terrible poetry night
in your apartment and
not in your compartment.

160
00:06:45,371 --> 00:06:47,965
Ah, Whit,
always masking anger
with jokes.

161
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:52,534
I am not
masking anything.

162
00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:53,770
I hate you.

163
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:58,512
Okay. Lance,
I think you should go.

164
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,142
Whit has some things
she needs to
freak out about.

165
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:02,550
Whit, I see your anger.

166
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:05,682
And I raise you
an "I've changed."

167
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:09,554
I've evolved.

168
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:13,030
And I hope this can be
a positive and freeing
moment for all of us.

169
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,092
Now, I've got to
get back to work.

170
00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,134
On myself.

171
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,233
(DOOR CLOSES)

172
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:27,305
Okay, look,
I'm really sorry.

173
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,870
I've been wanting to
tell you for weeks.

174
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,538
This has been
going on for weeks?
(SlGHS)

175
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,177
Roxanne. The sex
can't be that good.

176
00:07:34,253 --> 00:07:37,222
Do you not remember
how badly he hurt you?

177
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,383
Do you have
vag-Alzheimer's?

178
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:42,719
All right. I know that
this is going to be hard
to believe,

179
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,662
but I think
he's changed.

180
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,666
I mean,
he is thoughtful now
and he's self-aware

181
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:51,168
and...and he has a job.

182
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:52,630
Okay.

183
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,501
Doing what?

184
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,206
I am not sure.
But he comes home
angry with money,

185
00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,266
so it checks out.

186
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,448
Roxanne...
You made me promise

187
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,007
that I would never
let you do this.
We made a pact.

188
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:09,054
You said, "Whitney,
if I ever think about
getting back with Lance,

189
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:10,213
"punch me in the face."

190
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,514
So...

191
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,083
(SlGHS) Get up.

192
00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:17,996
What... Whit.

193
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:21,261
Uh, look, I know
you are being a good...

194
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,962
Though,
overly literal friend
right now.

195
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:25,901
And I do appreciate that.

196
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:29,408
So, I am absolving you
of any responsibility
from that pact.

197
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:31,673
Pact off.

198
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:35,644
You can't undo a pact
unless both sides agree.

199
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:36,909
That is in the Bible.

200
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:41,018
I am not letting you
do this. Pact on.

201
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,958
I can feel in my gut
it is different this time.

202
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,524
Roxanne. You cannot
trust your gut. Okay?

203
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,562
If everyone went around
trusting their gut
all the time,

204
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:51,756
the world
would be chaos.

205
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:54,265
If I trusted my gut,
I would have
an eight-year-old kid

206
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,460
and a funny
T-shirt business.

207
00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,198
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.

208
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,672
We're three weeks in,
and I'm really happy.

209
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:04,375
Okay.
Well, good luck to you.

210
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:06,707
Because everything goes well
in the beginning.

211
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:09,009
Okay? I've got about
a thousand T-shirts
in storage

212
00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:10,776
that say, "l don't work
for the post office,

213
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,715
"but I will
inspect your package."

214
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,214
I still don't see how
this guy insulted you.

215
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,623
But that's just me.
I don't see color.

216
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:23,423
I judge people
by how much money
they have.

217
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,294
He said, "You people
are geniuses."

218
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,563
Calling lndians smart
is just as racist

219
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,694
as saying
Asians can't drive.

220
00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:33,602
Yeah, but saying
you're smart is
a compliment.

221
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,140
That cancels out
the racism.

222
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:39,803
It's like... It's like
putting a smiley face
at the end of a mean text.

223
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,037
It's still racist.

224
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:46,243
He assumed
that I had certain qualities
because of my skin color.

225
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,848
Well, if it bothered you
so much,

226
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:48,944
why didn't
you say something?

227
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:52,252
I mean, besides the fact
that all lndians are polite.

228
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:55,055
I don't know.
He caught me off guard.

229
00:09:55,127 --> 00:09:56,719
Dude, I think
you're being sensitive.

230
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,388
Yeah.
Yeah, of course I am.

231
00:09:58,464 --> 00:09:59,590
I... I mean,
you're lrish.

232
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:02,190
Should I just assume
that you like to drink
and fight all the time?

233
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,096
I do like to drink
and fight.

234
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:06,937
But... But that's not
because I'm lrish.

235
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,166
That's 'cause my dad
taught me

236
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,266
that drinking and fighting
is how you solve problems.

237
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,437
'Cause he's lrish.

238
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,712
Yeah. It would have been
better if he had just said
all lndians are lndian.

239
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:20,013
That is
the only generalization
that is true.

240
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,521
I don't know, man.
All lndians are lndian?

241
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,018
Somehow,
that sounds bad.

242
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,525
Next time he says
something... Mmm.

243
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:28,753
I'm going to
call him out on it.

244
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,860
I think
that will go well.

245
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,363
Because if there's
one thing racists love,

246
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:35,161
it's hearing
that they're racist
and then apologizing for it.

247
00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:37,695
Well, it's a whole
new world.

248
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:40,868
Roxanne is back with Lance,
we have a black president,

249
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,965
and I just downloaded
a country song on purpose.

250
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,043
So, we might as well
go in the bedroom

251
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,239
and do that other thing
I said was never going
to happen.

252
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:51,049
Uh... About...
About Lance...

253
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,914
Oh, my God.
If you defend him
right now,

254
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,077
I swear to God,
I will...

255
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,984
So, bro,
we should get going.

256
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,489
What is he doing here?
What are you doing here?

257
00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:02,425
And why are you so concerned
with the temperature
ofyour neck?

258
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,294
Look, Roxanne emailed.
And he said he had two
Bulls tickets.

259
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,765
All right? I figured if
Roxanne was cool with it,
you know,

260
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,496
and you didn't find out,
then it would be okay.

261
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:14,368
This is not okay.
Why is everybody
suddenly okay with him?

262
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,601
If Roxanne forgave him,
then how long are
we supposed to wait

263
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,667
until we forgive him?
What, one week? Two weeks?

264
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:21,144
Twenty-seven minutes
till tip off?

265
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,205
Whitney, I know
I screwed up.

266
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:25,546
And not just with Roxanne,
but with all of you guys.

267
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,483
But I want
to win you back.
Arms up.

268
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,358
I just want
to figure out a way
to make it cool between us.

269
00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:35,821
Man, that sounds like
a really sincere man.

270
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,795
With two Bulls tickets.

271
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,365
I made a promise to Roxanne
that I would never let her
make this mistake again.

272
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,868
And I intend to
keep that promise.

273
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,762
You're really undoing
the yoga class
I took this morning.

274
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,735
Look, you know what?
Whit, I'm going
to give you

275
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,436
some alone time to
process this. Okay?

276
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,569
Maybe four quarters worth.

277
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:57,514
And we are just going
to head to the game.
Okay?

278
00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,017
And unless...
Were you serious about
the bedroom stuff?

279
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,922
I'll call you on the way.
I'll call you on the way.

280
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:10,619
So, how's the ring
search going?

281
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:11,685
Not good.

282
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:13,231
Hey, can you carry
the rest of these drinks
for me?

283
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:16,960
I have to keep
my left hand in my pocket
until death do us part.

284
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,738
Okay. Good.
We're all here.

285
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:24,037
As you all know,
Roxanne has been
hoodwinked by Lance.

286
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:26,704
So, how are we going to
break them up?

287
00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:29,910
Okay, look. I know you're
trying to be a good friend
to Roxanne.

288
00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:31,950
So, why don't you just
punch her in the face

289
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:33,746
so we can all hang out
with Lance again?

290
00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:36,313
You don't get to vote
because he's your boyfriend.

291
00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:39,653
Wow. He went from
best friend to boyfriend
in one day.

292
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:41,584
Look. It's true, okay?

293
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,922
He's changed.
All right?

294
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:44,087
He goes to therapy now.

295
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:45,425
He's really turning
his life around.

296
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,728
Is he? Is he turning
it around?

297
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:50,599
I get it.
You hate me.

298
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:54,005
Okay.
People don't change.

299
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,667
I don't know. Lily and l
have both changed since
we've been together.

300
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:57,834
She's made me
more laid back,

301
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,003
and I've made her
way more responsible.

302
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:03,310
Aw. Yeah...
Yes, you have.
You totally have.

303
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:07,113
Because real change
comes from in here.

304
00:13:09,088 --> 00:13:10,248
Look, Whit,
you've changed.

305
00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,414
I mean,
before you met me,

306
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,549
you didn't believe
in monogamy
or relationships.

307
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,717
Uh, by many accounts,
she still doesn't
believe in them.

308
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,456
She just happens to be
in a monogamous relationship.

309
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,554
Yeah.

310
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:20,729
Yeah, you used to have
serious trust issues.

311
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,166
Breaking into
boyfriends' phones,
emails, cars,

312
00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,260
the occasional
beach house...
That was fun.

313
00:13:26,705 --> 00:13:28,832
Women snoop
because it works.

314
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,739
Okay? I thought a guy was
cheating on me once,

315
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:31,902
so I went
into his computer

316
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:34,411
and I found out
he was sleeping with
three other women.

317
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,914
Eight months later,
I left his ass.

318
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,281
Okay? Lance is a liar.

319
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,076
So, who's going to
help me prove it
to Roxanne?

320
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,515
I will.

321
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,322
Really? No one?

322
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,795
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

323
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,965
Hey.
Hey.

324
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,570
I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday.

325
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:01,162
And that's
totally my fault.

326
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,969
I mean,
we are both adults,

327
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,634
and we should
just get past this.

328
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:06,402
I totally agree.

329
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:08,503
In order for me to do that,
I'm just going to need,

330
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,572
Iike, an hour alone
in your apartment.

331
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:12,142
What?

332
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,917
Well, if you're
different now,

333
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,214
you should have
nothing to hide.

334
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,717
This is an insane invasion
of privacy,

335
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,451
and right in
your strike zone.

336
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:21,253
I don't like this
any more than you do.

337
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:23,151
You're really
going to do this.
Mmm-hmm.

338
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:24,253
All right.

339
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,857
Leave your phone
and wallet.

340
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:29,066
Do you need
my computer password?

341
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,694
Password? (CHUCKLES)
That's cute.

342
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:43,114
Hey, Whit.
I brought some stuff
from the station

343
00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:44,911
in case we need it.
Oh.

344
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:48,579
I have all the tools
I need right here.

345
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,045
Bad childhood.

346
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:53,683
No, no, no.
I'm a cop.

347
00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:55,784
This is evidence
to plant.

348
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,259
'Cause we have to
get Lance away from Alex.

349
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:00,264
I mean, Roxanne.

350
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,931
Boom! We're in.

351
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,560
(CLlCKS TONGUE)
Still got it.

352
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:06,236
How did you figure out
his password?

353
00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:08,466
Colts jacket.
Childhood dog
named Mookie.

354
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:09,939
Born in 1978.

355
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,671
Lance is an idiot.
Password is 1-2-3-4.

356
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,978
God, you're good.
What are these photos?

357
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:17,207
I'm going to go onto
his Facebook page

358
00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:18,375
and isolate all
his cropped pictures.

359
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:20,611
Then, compare them
to the originals to see
who he's cutting out.

360
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,652
You've got that
under control.

361
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,087
Where should
I put an ear?

362
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:38,493
Hey. We did it, buddy.
Shots on me.

363
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:42,166
Ah. What was that?

364
00:15:42,474 --> 00:15:45,841
Jalapeno tequila.
Nice and spicy.
Thought you'd like it.

365
00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:49,439
Why would I like it?

366
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,640
Don't you like spicy food?

367
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,742
Because I'm lndian?

368
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:56,445
Hey, man.
I'm jealous, okay?

369
00:15:56,522 --> 00:16:00,322
It's how you stay so skinny.
I'd lose a few pounds, too,
if I only ate lndian food.

370
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:01,984
Stuff goes
right through you.

371
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,326
Okay.
You know what, Roger?

372
00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,655
Hey. Ira is finally here.
You haven't met him,
right?

373
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,824
Ira Stein? Works in
lnternational Accounting?

374
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,391
I'd love for you
two brains to meet.

375
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,232
Hey, lra. I'm Neal.

376
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,468
Um, I'm lra.
What's up?

377
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,138
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I just thought that...

378
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:18,870
That an accountant
can't be a black man?

379
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:20,606
No. That...

380
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:22,579
Or that a black man
can't be named lra.

381
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:26,474
Wow, man.
That's un-cool.

382
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,183
I mean, you,
of all people.

383
00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:33,487
(lN lNDlAN ACCENT)
I'm really sorry. I just
moved here from lndia.

384
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:39,628
And, oh, look.
There is my fiancee.

385
00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:40,858
(NEAL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

386
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:45,300
Hey.
Hey.

387
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:46,565
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

388
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:48,600
(CLEARS THROAT)

389
00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:51,505
Neal, I lost
my engagement ring.

390
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:53,509
I loved it
and I love you,

391
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:56,571
and I don't
want you to think
I'm a flighty idiot.

392
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,672
It's okay.
(SlGHS)

393
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:03,415
No, it's not okay.
That ring was really
expensive and perfect,

394
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,616
and now,
it's gone forever.

395
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:08,487
No, honey. It's okay.

396
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,129
That ring was
actually a fake.

397
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:16,695
What?

398
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:19,530
Well, I thought that
you might lose the ring,

399
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,573
so I got you a fake one.

400
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,740
Isn't that great news?

401
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,510
You got me
a fake ring?

402
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,712
I've been walking around
with a fake ring on
for the past three months?

403
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:33,507
Uh-huh.

404
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,377
My finger turned green,
and I went to
four dermatologists,

405
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:37,786
thinking I was allergic
to platinum.

406
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,585
Oh, my God.
That's where it is.
It's at the dermatologist.

407
00:17:41,493 --> 00:17:42,926
Hey, this is not over.

408
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:49,501
Whit, this is
seriously crazy.

409
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,626
And insane.

410
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:52,597
I hate to say
I told you so,

411
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,605
but in Lance's
couch pillows,

412
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:58,040
I found a pair of
crotch-less panties.

413
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,805
Oh, my God.
I know.

414
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,304
He's still addicted
to godless sluts.

415
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:03,672
Those are mine.

416
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:07,082
Come on, Roxanne!
Those are so unsanitary.

417
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:10,416
Well, they weren't
originally crotch-less.
It just...

418
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,923
You know what?
That's a long story.

419
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,688
Okay. But you've got to
look at his Amazon
order history.

420
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,491
He ordered
a heart-shaped locket

421
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:22,159
for some stripper
named Angel Dust.

422
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,426
That's his nickname
for me.

423
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,236
Okay. You know what?
I still have
five more minutes.

424
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,605
I'm just going to hop
in his dumpster real fast.

425
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:33,167
No. Whit. Stop. Okay?

426
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:35,643
I know Lance cheated
on me before.

427
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,011
You know
what my evidence is?

428
00:18:37,082 --> 00:18:39,812
I walked in on him
cheating on me before.

429
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,853
Exactly.
So, why are we here?

430
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,113
Because I'm choosing
to believe he's changed.

431
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,018
What if you're wrong?
What if this is another
complete disaster?

432
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,891
Well, I don't know
what's going to happen,

433
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,431
but I'm going to hope
that it goes well.

434
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,194
And I need you to hope
for the same thing.

435
00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:59,236
Can you hope, Whitney?

436
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,040
I can try.

437
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:06,635
Thank you.

438
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:10,143
So, these last
couple of weeks,
Lance is the reason

439
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,514
for all of the laughing
and smiling and waxing?

440
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:16,112
Yep. (LAUGHS)

441
00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:19,186
(SlGHlNG) Okay.
New pact.

442
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,849
When you're happy,
I'm happy.

443
00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:23,485
But if he cheats
on you again,

444
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:25,757
this is the last face
he is ever going to see.

445
00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:27,856
Pact on.

446
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:32,335
And I do want you to know
that it means a lot to me

447
00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:35,168
that you went
full on crazy bitch
on this one.

448
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:36,605
(LAUGHlNG)

449
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,907
I'm not going to lie.

450
00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:41,678
It was good
to be back.
Right.

451
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,078
(LAUGHlNG)

452
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,510
Wait, wait.
Are you wearing
Lance's cologne?

453
00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:50,383
Oh, yeah. I put it on
so Alex would pay
more attention to me.

454
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:56,956
Thank you guys
for coming to
support Lance.

455
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,291
Oh...

456
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,257
I can't think of
anything positive to say.

457
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:05,799
You smell good, Whit.

458
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,840
This next guy is
a real all-star

459
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:10,966
in the slam
poetry community.

460
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,305
He's also
my N.A. sponsor.

461
00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:14,342
Give it up
for Lance Jeffries.

462
00:20:14,746 --> 00:20:16,213
(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

463
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,780
Remember it's
anonymous, Jacob.

464
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:25,183
Thank you.
This new poem is inspired
by a powerful person

465
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,747
who just came back
into my life.

466
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:28,352
Do you think
he means me?

467
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:29,826
He means me.

468
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,421
"Long hair

469
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,361
"Black boots
Black soul

470
00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:40,269
"Whitney
Breaking, entering

471
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:44,742
"Storm in
Big teeth, small breasts"

472
00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:48,869
Okay.
No. No, come on.
Don't leave.

473
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:50,039
Oh, no.
I'm going up next.

474
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,206
I have
a little poem called,

475
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,843
"Lance, I went through
your browser history."