Whoo.
To humping.
I was like a river. Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body?
You were like a canoe on my body river.
Like you'd ever be seaworthy with those breasts. Boobies.
I wish there was a word that meant...
"complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing."
I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.
- That was the last time. - You said that twice last night.
You'll be back. I'm like your black-tar heroin.
You just need that sweet taste in your veins.
Schmiddle and the damage done.
Neil Young, yo.
Just get me out of here without someone seeing.
Schmidt?
Oh.
- Did you have a sexual guest? - What?
- The same girl from the other night? - I don't know what you're talking about.
It is. You slept with the same girl twice in a row?
Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some disguise?
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same girl twice in a row.
I owe you $5.
I thought I heard the door open at 3 a.m.
Those are sounds of true love. Bet she had the time of her life.
- What happened? Did I miss her? - You did.
I love meeting girls you bring home.
I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down low, Theodore K. Mullins.
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?
Where we shave each other?
I've always loved you. You're my boo.
Theodore K. Mullins is not my type.
You gonna three-peat this ho? Who is this bitch? We wanna meet her.
I'm not gonna parade her around like some trophy.
You know me, I'm not that kind of guy.
Oh.
Schmidt told me this was the front door?
What's wrong? She have a hunchback?
- Dwarf parts? - Lovitz body?
She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.
She one of your heavy gingers?
I'm sorry, I just...
I wanna banter with you guys.
I just, like, panicked and I made a Hitlerjoke. I'm sorry.
Hey, girl
What you doing?
Hey, girl
Where you going?
- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?
It's Jess
Your science projects are looking great, you guys.
Love the potato battery, Harper. Good job.
Thanks. - Luke, I like your tree exhibit.
Think about changing the name.
Fine.
Whoa.
- You built a robotic arm. - I think we know who's gonna win.
- Anyone can still win, Brianna. - Even me, Miss Day?
Yes.
Okay, lunchtime.
Can I have lunch in here?
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?
In the cafeteria, kids have started playing this game, coin slot.
They put pennies in my butt crack.
- I made 46 cents. - No, no, you earned that.
Um...
Nathaniel, I'm gonna help you out.
Julia sent me a cactus.
She's on a business trip to China and she sent it to me out of the blue.
I'm not an idiot. She's gonna break up with me.
Who told you that?
Did the cactus tell you that?
Is this one of those fortune-telling cactuses...?
Winston, think. She's gonna break up with me.
She doesn't think I can take care of a regular plant.
Well, you can't.
Any idiot can take care of a cactus, Winston.
- She thinks I'm idiot. - Why are you watering a cactus?
- Because I'm idiot. - Julia sent him cactus...
which means she's gonna break up with him.
I thought that was a joke...
because otherwise that would be stupid and insane.
- Snap out of it, son. - Jess, you don't get it.
This cactus is like a symbol of my relationship with her.
- Oh. - Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna quit on this. I'm gonna get her back.
There it is. Look at that.
Not bad. Just fix red eye, red eye, red eye.
Send.
- Hello? - Where are you?
Oh, hey, Cecilia. Did you get my junk mail?
I'm in front of your loft.
I know I said that last time was the last time, but...
- You wanna come down? - Yeah, I wanna come...
Yeah, I'll come down. That sounds good. All right.
I think I changed a life today, you guys.
I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi.
There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months...
so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions...
if this continued, I delivered a lesson in the key of learning.
Learning minor.
He's a plump bird Who prefers the shelter of a hole
He has a stubby beak And a nervous soul
Because being chased by predators
Takes its toll
Let the sad sparrow fly on
You think singing a song about a kid is gonna stop him from getting his ass kicked?
I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures.
Middle-school girls literally scalp each other.
I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.
- What? - But don't tell me...
music can't make a difference because it can.
Those kids were videotaping me on their cell phones.
I think kids are gonna really remember that.
- You know, this day. - What's the song called?
Um, "Sad Sparrow," parentheses, "imagine a World Without Bullies."
- Why? - This is why.
He's not the smartest bird Or the most pretty
He spreads disease
Throughout the city
At least the bully is not making fun of that kid.
They're making fun of me.
Sad sparrow fly on
The hawk took a poop on you.
I'm not proud of myself for saying this, but it's a funny video.
Sad sparrow fly on
Look at that, man.
Why can't we go upstairs for a little Schmidt and spin?
You said everybody's in the living room.
- What about your place? - My place is not an option.
All the models are there. It's 12 models in two rooms.
- It's like a room full of hungry Russians. - Uh, yes, please, let's go there.
What about a little good, old-fashioned car sex?
I can't do my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body.
I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience...
Okay, are we gonna do this or not?
I kind of need this to happen right now, okay?
Isn't there a Starbuck's bathroom around here we could use?
What do I look like, a Gypsy courtesan?
How hard are you gonna drop the hammer on the kid who did this?
I'm gonna find this kid, and I'm just gonna...
open up a dialogue.
Not gonna work. Take it from me, I used to be a bully.
Ow. - Brown Lightning.
- Wow, you had a catchphrase? - Yeah. You gotta hit them where it hurts.
Thank you, but I have a different approach.
Jerk-sica?
My last name rhymes with "gay"...
and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica?
Reason.
Hey, Schmidt. Oh, there is? Thank you.
He says look out the window. There's a crescent moon out.
Oh, dip, seriously?
Why do we care about a crescent moon?
I don't know.
I'm gonna live up there someday.
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl? Hope you're having a great time in Beijing.
I miss you. I can't wait to see you. I got the cactus. Thank you so much.
I'm taking great care of it. Yeah, things are doing good here.
Everything's really cool, just...
Taking names, kicking butt, you know, all that.
So great, I'll see you Wednesday. You're the best around.
Nope, that's not gonna be the one.
Hey, Julia, just calling back to say that I get it.
Message received. I'm the cactus.
If you put me in the desert, I'll grow some needles too.
You bet I would. You bet I would.
FYI, I'm not high right now.
Julia.
Julia. Call me back.
Call me back, Julia.
Julia, it's Nick.
I'm sorry, I just realized about the time difference.
So if you get this one first could you please just delete the other ones?
I love you. What did I just?
I don't hear anyone out there. I think I'm safe.
And I want you to know, that was the last time, okay?
This is over.
But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course.
A little sharp, aged cheddar? Mm-hm. Manchego?
Maybe some buttery Gruyère?
You sure you wanna miss out?
I just wanna slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
What are you even saying?
- How about a little stinky taleggio? - Why is this working?
- I am so turned on right now. - Or maybe some cream cheese?
Want some schmear, Cece?
You know, what? Cece, you should go.
Because if you have the strength to turn all this down...
do it.
Yeah, I'm good.
Hi.
Who do I speak to, re, getting something removed from the Internet?
Yeah, I can hold.
- Wanna party with Havarti? - Fine.
Give me the damn cheese.
So, Brianna, I saw the robot arm in the user profile...
so I know you made that video.
So I thought we could sit and talk for a minute.
Look, Brianna, I know you're better than this.
Can we talk about you for a few minutes?
Okay. Can we talk about you instead?
I'm an open book. Ask me anything.
How come you don't have a boyfriend?
And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you?
And is it true that your boyfriend before that cheated on you?
Are you barren, Miss Day?
And why is your voice so deep like a man's?
- It's not. It's not. - Your happiness seems like a mask.
Well, I better go.
What have I done?
Julia. So glad you're home.
Hey.
- Are you okay? - Yes, I'm okay. Welcome back.
- Are you sure? - You listen to the messages?
- I did. - You did? That sucks.
- I really didn't mean anything. - I know.
Look, I got in my head, Julia, I thought you sent me this cactus...
because you were trying to tell me that I can't take care of a normal plant.
Which, when I think about it, I probably can't.
Plants freak me out. I'm way better with babies, actually.
Not that I want to have a baby with you right now.
- I can see us having babies. - Can we not...?
That's not what I mean. I'm getting weird again.
What I mean to say... Julia, please, I overreacted.
I think we should break up.
I do. I mean, I didn't realize it when I sent it.
But then after listening to the seven...
- Yeah, I know. ...seven, Nick, separate voice mails...
about the meaning behind the cactus...
I don't know, it really just clicked in for me...
and I don't think that we should do this anymore.
I'm really sorry.
So I was right about the cactus.
What kind of crazy person destroys a child's robot?
Can you bring me a bunch of Phillips-head screwdrivers...
and, like, a crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?
What if I'm busy?
Thank you, Winston. I really needed that.
It's been a really hard week.
Hey, man, I'm going to the beach to watch the sun go down...
because I love sunsets. Did you know that about me?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh, Julia dumped me, so, sad face.
Wanna come to the beach? I feel great, I'm ready to rock...
but I really don't wanna be alone.
Scissors?
How am I supposed to fix a robot arm with scissors?
- Those are my good scissors. - Why do you have good scissors?
You know, the news only focuses on what goes wrong.
Never talks about what goes right.
- Evolution. You know? - That's it. Come here.
Yeah, exactly. - I'm gonna kill him.
- Get him out of here. - Hey, guys.
- What? - You guys wanna watch The Piano later?
Here? You wanna do it here?
Okay, all right. What's the scenario?
We enter separately...
pretending to be strangers meeting in the bathroom.
You want me on the can, off the can?
No, I just need to pop in this party for like 20 minutes.
- When I come back, we'll have sex. - Okay, let's do it.
Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.
- Well, what am I supposed to do? - I'll crack a window for you.
Crack a window for me? What am I, your sex dog? What...?
What if I have to go to the bathroom? Just give me a chew toy.
Come on, Schmidt, stop being such a big baby.
Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?
Yes. Absolutely, 100 percent. I'm 100 percent ashamed of you.
Oh, what a revelation.
Come on, Schmidt, I can't be the first woman...
who's ashamed to be with you.
Okay, look, I won't go into your party, if...
If you go to breakfast with me tomorrow. In public.
Yeah, okay.
- Oh, really? - Really. I mean, I can survive breakfast.
I'll be back soon.
Hey, Wendy. How's it going?
I hope it works. I didn't get a chance to test it.
Ha-ha-ha. Even broken, it's got a shot at top prize. Have you seen this crap?
"What can old people do?"
"Does it taste better with hot sauce?"
My friends.
Guess what I just learned? What's inside of a pumpkin.
Apparently, a lot. I didn't know.
Whoa.
You have to get him out of here.
You see him. He's about to blow. I'm not having him by himself.
There's Brianna.
Hi, Brianna.
You must be Brianna's moms. I'm Miss Day.
- Right. The singer. - You're the one who sings.
This is Brianna's project, a robotic arm.
Start it up, Brianna.
Oh!
And a project bursts into flames.
Brianna, what happened?
Someone must have sabotaged it.
Bet it was Nathaniel.
Hey! Get my scissors out of your mouth.
What is wrong with you?
He's been creating problems. What are you gonna do?
Nathaniel, come over here.
Um...
Actually, uh, this is my fault.
I sabotaged the science project.
- You did what? - What?
And it was totally unprofessional.
And I'm sorry, but your daughter is...
How do I put this?
- Brianna is difficult. - Difficult?
- You sabotaged her project. - Your daughter sucks.
Okay, she is a demon seed. She is the spawn of Satan.
And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that...
people like her should not be building robots.
- Who are you? - Brown Lightning.
- I want her disciplined. - No.
- Wonderful.
Hey, no, no.
Why can't we all just love each other, right?
What are you doing?
Want a science project? How about this as a science project?
Love is a myth.
Why is this Earth so big and I am so small?
So, yay, Earth. Be optimistic?
Learn. We're all gonna die alone, so...
- My office, 9 a.m. - I was right about the cactus.
I assure you I'll be watching Miss Day very closely.
Hi.
I am so sorry, Tanya.
Don't be. I love it.
Jess, you're a real teacher now.
- What? - You're a kid hater. You're one of us.
Come here. Welcome.
I'm not a kid hater.
That's right.
None of us are.
Hey, Brianna. Can I speak to you?
Look, I know I'm not your favorite teacher.
You don't like my style. That's fine.
I'm not gonna change who I am...
so you're just gonna have to deal with it and respect it.
Also, you're gonna take this paper, and you're gonna sing a duet with me.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
Everybody, settle down.
- Camera phones are encouraged. - No.
One, two, three, four.
You really don't wanna be seen having breakfast with me, do you?
- Are we even still in L. A? - Schmidt, you and I are not together.
We're not in a relationship.
- We're just having sex. - And I love it.
And I'm not gonna be a prize that you get to show off.
Look, guys are always just showing me off, and I hate it.
Look, I...
I wanna tell people...
because I think that you are the dopest, flyest...
smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman...
that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.
Do you wanna tell the waitress?
Uh, if I could have everyone's attention. Real quick, if you could...
Hey, guys, call a timeout to whatever that thing is.
Okay, great.
I am having sex with this woman right here. You wanna stand up?
- No. - Don't wanna do it? All right, great.
I'm enjoying myself immensely.
It's a physical thing, but I am definitely for real...
having sex with this girl right here, to completion.
Parkour!
Hit it!
Down. Hit it.
Yeah.
Hey.
I got you a real plant.
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess, I'll just kill it.
I know. You're a plant killer.
And I write songs. We're weirdos.
But that's who we are. And that's fine.
And you have a giant cactus needle sticking out of your face.
What? Where is it?
Can you get it out? Get it out. Ow.
So it's time we all make a change
Find somewhere else For our loose change...
The song is called, "Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?
- Yeah. - Catchy.
Title is flawed, no question.
But you are kicking ass with the comments. Look at this.
- "This teacher is muy caliente." - Hot, hot, hot.
"I'd like to grade her on a curve." Yep.
"Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."
Finally.
- These commenters are all you, aren't they? - Yes. Yes, they are.
My robot arm