1
00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:05,023
Good morning!
2
00:00:05,148 --> 00:00:07,883
- Lukewarm coffee for you.
- Hey, Whit.
3
00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:09,210
Do you have any interest in being
4
00:00:09,335 --> 00:00:11,136
a totally different person?
5
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:13,764
I'm listening.
6
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,517
Well, you know, we just
finished that whole story
7
00:00:15,642 --> 00:00:17,018
on the body enhancement thing,
8
00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,394
and I don't know what to do
with all this leftover stuff.
9
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,623
What is this, a fake butt?
10
00:00:21,748 --> 00:00:24,726
Is this what Tyler Perry used
to make Madea?
11
00:00:24,851 --> 00:00:26,109
Yeah.
12
00:00:26,275 --> 00:00:28,596
Well, apparently, we're supposed
to starve ourselves
13
00:00:28,721 --> 00:00:31,032
and then go to the gym
and then pay $47
14
00:00:31,157 --> 00:00:32,407
to replace the weight we lost.
15
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Hmm.
What is this?
16
00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:36,578
That is the Sandkini.
17
00:00:36,744 --> 00:00:38,473
Hmm, "a bra filled with sand
18
00:00:38,598 --> 00:00:41,643
that triples your cup and gives
you realistic breasts."
19
00:00:41,768 --> 00:00:43,543
Why does everyone hate women?
20
00:00:44,971 --> 00:00:48,006
Ugh, it's Lance.
21
00:00:48,172 --> 00:00:50,175
Why is he calling you?
You guys broke up a week ago.
22
00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,220
Because he wants
the rest of his stuff back,
23
00:00:52,345 --> 00:00:53,988
- and I don't want to talk to him.
- Mm.
24
00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:55,430
And I don't want to talk about it.
25
00:00:55,596 --> 00:00:58,058
Okay, well, my offer
still stands to kill him.
26
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:03,605
No, then I'd have
to give you the day off.
27
00:01:03,771 --> 00:01:05,482
Wow, you are really good at that.
28
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:07,785
I was homeless for, like, four days
29
00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:12,590
and a slut for, like, six years.
30
00:01:12,715 --> 00:01:13,615
Whoa.
31
00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:17,745
I have boobs...
32
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,181
And self-esteem...
33
00:01:20,306 --> 00:01:21,950
And options.
34
00:01:22,075 --> 00:01:24,719
Oh, oh, listen.
I'm even talking quieter.
35
00:01:24,844 --> 00:01:26,604
I suddenly don't feel
the need to overcompensate
36
00:01:26,729 --> 00:01:28,588
by being loud.
37
00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:30,391
Delivery for Roxanne Harris.
38
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I got it.
I'm her assistant.
39
00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:37,556
- How are you today?
- Fine, thanks.
40
00:01:37,722 --> 00:01:40,684
Pretty handwriting.
41
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:43,186
I'm Howard.
44
00:01:50,192 --> 00:01:53,029
Okay, we're not doing this, Howard.
45
00:01:53,195 --> 00:01:57,534
In here we are.
46
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,702
What?
47
00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,204
Unbelievable.
48
00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:03,675
Wow, it is a whole new world
49
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,083
when you have a "d" cup.
50
00:02:05,249 --> 00:02:06,761
These are amazing.
51
00:02:06,886 --> 00:02:10,088
Now I get why Katy Perry
loves God so much.
52
00:02:11,964 --> 00:02:16,636
Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience, so...
53
00:02:19,388 --> 00:02:22,976
Lily, I didn't say
that we have to get a prenup.
54
00:02:23,142 --> 00:02:25,437
Okay, I am hearing you.
55
00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:28,883
I am receiving you.
I am rejecting you.
56
00:02:29,008 --> 00:02:30,652
Because when you say "prenup,"
57
00:02:30,777 --> 00:02:32,736
I hear,
"our marriage is going to fail."
58
00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,488
It's just something
that my parents mentioned,
59
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:36,239
and I thought it made sense.
60
00:02:36,405 --> 00:02:38,526
Why are you so in love
with your parents?
61
00:02:38,651 --> 00:02:41,036
You're, like, obsessed with them.
62
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:42,664
You know,
we're going in circles here.
63
00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:44,599
A prenup
is like having car insurance.
64
00:02:44,724 --> 00:02:47,709
You get it even though you don't
plan on getting in an accident.
65
00:02:47,875 --> 00:02:49,370
Okay, well,
that's a terrible metaphor
66
00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:51,172
because I'm a bad driver.
67
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I don't need insurance
on my relationship
68
00:02:53,099 --> 00:02:54,966
because I'm excellent at love.
69
00:02:55,132 --> 00:02:57,645
Okay, okay, well, you've been
in other relationships before
70
00:02:57,770 --> 00:02:59,364
that you probably thought
were never going to end.
71
00:02:59,489 --> 00:03:00,722
Those were different.
72
00:03:00,888 --> 00:03:03,685
Most of my other relationships
started at Coachella.
73
00:03:03,810 --> 00:03:04,786
Look.
74
00:03:04,911 --> 00:03:07,187
Marriage should be
about love and romance.
75
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,815
And planning and responsibility.
76
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,608
Okay, Neal, I feel like
we're going in circles here.
77
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:14,736
The circles thing is my thing.
I just said that.
78
00:03:14,902 --> 00:03:19,133
You don't own circles.
79
00:03:19,258 --> 00:03:21,169
You see, this is my point.
80
00:03:21,294 --> 00:03:22,804
I want to share everything with you.
81
00:03:22,929 --> 00:03:24,704
I believe what's mine is yours.
82
00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:26,841
Lil, in all fairness,
pretty much all you own
83
00:03:26,966 --> 00:03:28,667
are tiny blazers and tights.
84
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,913
Well, I think
this is ridiculous and insane,
85
00:03:32,038 --> 00:03:34,749
and I'm done talking about it.
86
00:03:34,874 --> 00:03:37,685
And thank you for calling me tiny.
87
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,388
- Hey!
- Hey.
88
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,908
I have the funniest thing
to show you.
89
00:03:44,033 --> 00:03:46,828
Roxanne got a sand bra at work.
90
00:03:46,953 --> 00:03:49,729
Check it out.
91
00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:52,400
Whoa, those are crazy.
92
00:03:52,525 --> 00:03:54,192
I know, right?
93
00:03:54,358 --> 00:03:57,038
I got out of a parking ticket.
I got a free latte.
94
00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:59,273
I feel like I could sing
anything right now,
95
00:03:59,398 --> 00:04:01,366
and it would go to number one.
96
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,286
Wow.
Well, what do they feel like?
97
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,037
Mm, see for yourself.
98
00:04:06,203 --> 00:04:08,165
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
99
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,350
All right, all right.
100
00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:12,419
I'm, like, so nervous.
I don't know.
101
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:17,799
- Oh, my God, they feel weird.
- I know.
102
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:20,010
- They feel so weird.
- I know.
103
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:21,136
What?
They feel weird.
104
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:25,056
They're feeling less weird.
It feels less weird.
105
00:04:25,222 --> 00:04:26,401
Okay, I'm gonna take this off.
106
00:04:26,526 --> 00:04:28,036
I think it's sanding off
the little boob
107
00:04:28,161 --> 00:04:30,405
I actually have, so...
108
00:04:30,530 --> 00:04:32,856
Oh, hey, hey, little lady.
Where's the fire?
109
00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:36,661
Huh?
110
00:04:36,786 --> 00:04:39,654
What are you d... are you
getting turned on right now?
111
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,657
Ah, what?
No.
112
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:52,968
Yo, Whit.
113
00:04:58,714 --> 00:05:00,675
Oh, what the hell?
114
00:05:00,841 --> 00:05:02,719
Good morning.
115
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,263
What are you doing,
you weirdo?
116
00:05:05,429 --> 00:05:07,608
Well, yeah, I don't know.
I get... I had... I just...
117
00:05:07,733 --> 00:05:10,936
I had fun last night.
118
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,188
You want to put that bra on again?
119
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:16,566
I don't even know
where it is.
120
00:05:16,732 --> 00:05:18,486
Oh, yeah, I think I saw it
somewhere over...
121
00:05:18,611 --> 00:05:22,072
Oh, wait.
Yeah, here it is.
122
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,240
Ooh.
123
00:05:29,855 --> 00:05:32,540
Ah.
124
00:05:32,706 --> 00:05:34,376
Seriously?
125
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,470
I don't know, it's fun.
It's stupid, yeah.
126
00:05:35,595 --> 00:05:36,971
But it's like...
I don't know.
127
00:05:37,096 --> 00:05:42,300
It's like I'm getting
to have sex with someone else.
128
00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:52,602
{pub}OK, that obviously came out wrong.
129
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:54,078
I would give anything to just l...
130
00:05:54,203 --> 00:05:56,147
If you let me take that back
and say it in a different way.
131
00:05:56,313 --> 00:05:58,900
Go for it.
132
00:05:59,066 --> 00:06:02,253
Okay, uh, it...
It's like having sex with you,
133
00:06:02,378 --> 00:06:05,289
only more...
134
00:06:05,414 --> 00:06:06,157
Fun.
135
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:07,669
No.
136
00:06:08,492 --> 00:06:10,762
Wow.
137
00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:12,764
Oh, God, okay, th-that's
not what I meant to say.
138
00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:14,432
Um, okay, you know what?
It's like...
139
00:06:14,557 --> 00:06:15,834
It's like having sex with you.
140
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,962
You, you.
Okay?
141
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:20,471
Wait, you know when, like,
you're together with somebody
142
00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:22,507
for a long time,
and you get tired of their body?
143
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:28,713
Okay, how about the one time
you had strep throat, okay,
144
00:06:28,838 --> 00:06:31,048
and I got you frozen yogurt,
and I didn't have to do that.
145
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,683
And it was snowing out,
and I didn't have to do that.
146
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:36,254
Okay, okay,
you spent the past three years
147
00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:37,822
convincing me that monogamy works,
148
00:06:37,947 --> 00:06:39,323
and now you spring it on me
149
00:06:39,448 --> 00:06:40,825
that you want to be
with other people.
150
00:06:40,950 --> 00:06:42,068
No, no.
I didn't say that, all right?
151
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,462
Look, just sometimes
it feels kind of exciting
152
00:06:44,587 --> 00:06:46,664
to, like, be with,
like, a new you, all right?
153
00:06:46,789 --> 00:06:48,065
Like the time...
The time...
154
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:49,967
Oh, the time that you got
your wisdom teeth pulled out,
155
00:06:50,092 --> 00:06:52,670
and your face was, like, all swollen.
156
00:06:52,795 --> 00:06:56,190
Okay,
you wish I had bigger boobs.
157
00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:59,961
Just say it.
158
00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:06,593
I'm not gonna say that.
159
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:09,846
The takeaway here is you
do not accept me for who I am.
160
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,522
No, I didn't say that, all right?
161
00:07:11,647 --> 00:07:13,658
L... okay, oh, you can't tell me
that, occasionally,
162
00:07:13,783 --> 00:07:14,992
if some things were
a little different about me,
163
00:07:15,117 --> 00:07:15,977
that you wouldn't be into it.
164
00:07:16,143 --> 00:07:18,913
Okay, I can absolutely
say that, okay?
165
00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,999
I love you exactly the way you are.
166
00:07:22,124 --> 00:07:24,235
Stupid and shallow.
167
00:07:24,401 --> 00:07:26,137
All right, well, y...
No, sometimes you say
168
00:07:26,262 --> 00:07:27,672
that you wish I was
more assertive, all right?
169
00:07:27,797 --> 00:07:30,408
That I took charge more,
that I was more old-school.
170
00:07:30,574 --> 00:07:33,811
Okay, that is different.
You want somebody else.
171
00:07:33,936 --> 00:07:37,540
I want you...
But better.
172
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,351
Okay, but it's not just that,
all right?
173
00:07:40,476 --> 00:07:41,836
Oh, what about the guy from mad men?
174
00:07:42,002 --> 00:07:43,254
You're obsessed with the guy
from mad men, all right?
175
00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:44,906
You tell me right now...
Look at my face and say
176
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,382
that you wouldn't want to be
with him. Say it. Go.
177
00:07:46,548 --> 00:07:49,610
Okay, if I wanted to be with Jon Hamm,
178
00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:52,680
I would be with Jon Hamm.
179
00:07:52,846 --> 00:07:55,391
Okay, and how exactly
would you land Jon Hamm?
180
00:07:55,557 --> 00:08:00,980
Okay, I would wear the bra for him.
181
00:08:01,146 --> 00:08:04,275
The mark department is here.
182
00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:07,403
Nobody gets stuff in boxes
faster than this guy.
183
00:08:07,569 --> 00:08:10,573
And I can also help you
pack up Lance's stuff.
184
00:08:10,739 --> 00:08:13,451
So what all do we need to pack up?
185
00:08:13,617 --> 00:08:15,662
Did you guys get that box metaphor?
186
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,415
Yes, Mark, it's been your
status update for a week now.
187
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,791
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
188
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:23,503
I know that you are heartbroken.
189
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:27,924
I'm really not, you guys,
I'm actually okay.
190
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:29,133
Rox, it's Mark.
191
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,002
I was here the last time around
192
00:08:31,127 --> 00:08:33,513
when this house of cards
that you call a life collapsed.
193
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,224
Hey Roxanne,
whose speakers are these?
194
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,110
Ugh, I don't know.
We bought them together.
195
00:08:39,235 --> 00:08:41,412
I guess I should keep one
196
00:08:41,537 --> 00:08:43,106
and break the other one.
197
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,466
I really wish we'd gotten a prenup,
198
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:46,717
so I wouldn't have to start writing
199
00:08:46,842 --> 00:08:48,611
that alimony check again every month.
200
00:08:48,777 --> 00:08:49,637
Oh, hey, Lil, we should, um...
201
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,155
Yes, Neal, I heard her too,
202
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,723
and I already agreed
to go to the prenup lawyer,
203
00:08:52,848 --> 00:08:56,870
so relax!
204
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,062
Okay, I was just going to say
that we should go
205
00:08:58,187 --> 00:08:59,330
feed the parking meter soon,
206
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:03,376
but I'm glad it's not on your mind.
207
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:05,879
Hey, what do they ask you
on one of those things?
208
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,038
Oh, I have no idea.
209
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:09,106
When I googled "prenup,"
it just kept saying,
210
00:09:09,231 --> 00:09:12,260
"do you mean the NBA?"
211
00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:14,979
Our lawyer already sent us a draft.
212
00:09:15,104 --> 00:09:16,914
It's just a bunch of questions
that we've already talked about.
213
00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:18,148
It's not a big deal at all.
214
00:09:18,273 --> 00:09:20,284
Uh, "do you have
any credit card debt?"
215
00:09:20,409 --> 00:09:22,604
- No.
- No.
216
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,355
"Do you have a good credit score?"
217
00:09:24,521 --> 00:09:28,026
- Yes.
- Yes.
218
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:31,654
Uh, hey, Lil, can I get
your opinion on something?
219
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:36,993
Yeah.
220
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,287
- What are you doing?
- What?
221
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:40,738
I know for a fact that you have
222
00:09:40,863 --> 00:09:42,832
seven grand in credit card debt.
223
00:09:42,998 --> 00:09:45,109
Oh, yeah, well, there are some things
224
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,894
about me Neal doesn't know.
225
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:50,131
Maybe a little mystery
is good, you know?
226
00:09:50,297 --> 00:09:53,084
"Like, he doesn't know that I'm 5'3"
227
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:56,054
or that I dabbled in Scientology.
228
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:58,656
What?
W-w... okay.
229
00:09:58,781 --> 00:10:00,683
When do you plan on telling him
all this?
230
00:10:00,849 --> 00:10:03,160
Well, once we're married, none
of that stuff is gonna matter.
231
00:10:03,285 --> 00:10:06,231
Yeah, he'll be less judgmental,
and I'll be pregnant.
232
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,150
You have got to be honest
about your differences.
233
00:10:09,316 --> 00:10:11,361
I mean, I'm only telling you this
234
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,503
because I've learned it, forgot it,
235
00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:13,988
and then I just relearned it.
236
00:10:14,154 --> 00:10:16,891
Okay, okay, you're right.
237
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:18,893
Okay.
238
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:20,662
Do I have to tell him
I've never seen star wars?
239
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,780
What? No.
God, no.
240
00:10:22,905 --> 00:10:25,708
Take that to your grave.
241
00:10:25,874 --> 00:10:27,794
Hey.
242
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,380
Hey, doll face.
243
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,090
"Doll face"?
What is wrong with you?
244
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,926
What...
Are you drunk?
245
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,112
Why are you wearing a suit?
246
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,473
Oh, my God, did Nana die?
247
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,867
The only thing dead is this scotch.
248
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,970
Now why don't you go to the kitchen
249
00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:50,098
and fix daddy up another?
250
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:07,425
Don't make me mad.
251
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:11,087
I can be very mad...
Men.
252
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:14,448
Okay.
253
00:11:14,573 --> 00:11:16,450
I see what's happening here.
254
00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:19,370
Mr. Draper, thank you so much
for stopping by,
255
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:23,974
but I have a boyfriend that
I love exactly the way he is.
256
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:28,271
Less talky, more drinky, doll face.
257
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,398
Call me "doll face" one more time.
258
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,817
I'll call you what I want,
and you'll like it.
259
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:36,612
W-why would I like that?
260
00:11:36,778 --> 00:11:37,876
Because maybe I'm a man of mystery.
261
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,423
Maybe I have an unhappy marriage,
262
00:11:39,548 --> 00:11:40,724
and I have a lot of affairs,
263
00:11:40,849 --> 00:11:43,036
but when I pitched
the Kodak carousel account...
264
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:46,581
Did you
just Wikipedia "mad men"?
265
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:50,335
Yeah.
266
00:12:00,844 --> 00:12:02,146
I have not yet seen
the episode where he smokes
267
00:12:02,271 --> 00:12:04,223
a cigarette like a little bitch.
268
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,192
Hey, doll face.
269
00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:21,767
{pub}Hey, thanks for helping me
ship this crap back to Lance.
270
00:12:21,892 --> 00:12:23,451
I'll do anything to use a tape gun.
271
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,703
Or any gun.
272
00:12:25,869 --> 00:12:29,741
It's just so weird to be
sending him stuff back again.
273
00:12:29,866 --> 00:12:31,076
I guess in life
sometimes you have to make
274
00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:32,752
the same mistake twice.
275
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,563
- I can relate to that.
- Really?
276
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:37,674
Yeah, I helped you do this last time.
277
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,284
I mean, this is embarrassing.
278
00:12:39,409 --> 00:12:40,551
And maybe it's not even Lance.
279
00:12:40,717 --> 00:12:45,014
Maybe I wouldn't be good
in any relationship.
280
00:12:48,151 --> 00:12:50,353
Ah, whoa!
What... what are you doing?
281
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:51,979
W-what are you doing?
282
00:12:52,145 --> 00:12:54,315
Did you just lean in to kiss me?
283
00:12:54,481 --> 00:12:55,934
I didn't lean in.
284
00:12:56,059 --> 00:12:58,170
You lured me in with your whole vibe.
285
00:12:58,295 --> 00:12:59,737
What?
286
00:12:59,903 --> 00:13:02,657
I... you're brokenhearted.
I'm trying to cheer you up.
287
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:05,952
What... o... well,
were you doing it for real?
288
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,263
No, no, it just...
It seemed like a moment
289
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,565
where I was supposed
to kiss you, like, I don't know,
290
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,567
like, if I was in a movie,
that's where I would have.
291
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,210
I thought that I was supposed to.
292
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,255
We're not in a movie.
293
00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:20,292
Roxanne, I was just trying
to do you a favor
294
00:13:20,417 --> 00:13:22,635
by being your rebound.
295
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:25,722
I was throwing myself on a grenade.
296
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:29,809
Good, because there's
nothing going on between us.
297
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:31,470
Obviously.
298
00:13:31,595 --> 00:13:33,238
Although you're
in my top eight friends,
299
00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:35,523
and you're hot, and you're fit,
you're a mess.
300
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:38,743
Fine, because I find you revolting,
301
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:41,737
and I would never have sex with
you under any circumstances.
302
00:13:41,903 --> 00:13:43,072
Mm.
303
00:13:43,238 --> 00:13:45,616
Are you out of your mind?
304
00:13:45,782 --> 00:13:47,302
Come on, that was it.
305
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,387
"I hate you." "I hate you."
306
00:13:49,512 --> 00:13:53,207
Boom, that's a perfect
movie kiss moment.
307
00:13:53,373 --> 00:13:54,917
Have you ever seen a movie?
308
00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:56,811
Yes, and this is the movie
309
00:13:56,936 --> 00:14:00,047
where we barely speak
and never touch.
310
00:14:00,213 --> 00:14:02,800
- Cool.
- Good.
311
00:14:02,966 --> 00:14:04,093
Let's go to u.P.S.
Before it closes.
312
00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:06,955
Great.
313
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,324
You bought
a whole carton of cigarettes?
314
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,310
How long did you think
this bit was gonna go on?
315
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:14,353
Look, I was trying
to prove a point to you.
316
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:16,414
Oh, well, you proved my point.
317
00:14:16,539 --> 00:14:18,216
I don't want you to change.
318
00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:20,610
I don't want somebody else.
319
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,028
Well, I don't want you to be
somebody else either.
320
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,255
Yes, you do.
321
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:26,240
You wish I had a rack
like Christina Hendricks.
322
00:14:26,406 --> 00:14:27,592
No, I don't, all right?
Look.
323
00:14:27,717 --> 00:14:30,161
To be honest, her boobs
are too big for my taste.
324
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,413
Really?
325
00:14:32,579 --> 00:14:36,459
Yeah, j... at some point,
it's just like crowd control.
326
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:40,129
Okay, she's, like, gorgeous.
327
00:14:40,295 --> 00:14:42,924
Yeah, I don't know.
I... I think you're prettier.
328
00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:48,179
Okay, what about January Jones?
329
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:50,949
I mean, I...
Yeah, I can see why some guys
330
00:14:51,074 --> 00:14:53,018
would think that she's hot,
but I have a tough time
331
00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:56,171
separating the body
from who the person is inside.
332
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,489
You know, it's like,
I can tell just by looking
333
00:14:58,614 --> 00:15:00,733
at those women
that they're probably boring.
334
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:03,903
All right, well,
I don't know about that.
335
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:07,365
Well, yeah, I mean,
you know, like, you know,
336
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:08,600
take Jessica Alba, you know?
337
00:15:08,725 --> 00:15:10,668
It's like, does she make me laugh?
338
00:15:10,793 --> 00:15:12,078
Do we have things in common?
339
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:15,957
Would she have...
Would she have this with me?
340
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,793
Where was this guy this morning?
341
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:20,362
Oh, I don't have any idea...
342
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,421
Because he doesn't exist.
343
00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:25,508
What?
344
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,652
Come on, Whit.
Really, you fell for that?
345
00:15:27,777 --> 00:15:31,264
What am I, a blind gay guy?
346
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,140
Okay, so you were just lying to me?
347
00:15:33,306 --> 00:15:34,743
I was just trying to prove
to you that sometimes
348
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,194
you do want me to be somebody else.
349
00:15:36,319 --> 00:15:38,363
I mean, come on,
those girls are gorgeous.
350
00:15:38,488 --> 00:15:39,831
Jessica Alba?
351
00:15:39,956 --> 00:15:43,109
She's made of butter.
352
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,638
I'm sorry that I get turned on
by my boyfriend
353
00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:48,406
who loves me for me.
354
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:50,116
Okay, well,
that's what you have, all right?
355
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,877
I'm sorry that I acted like
an idiot about the bra stuff,
356
00:15:53,002 --> 00:15:55,413
but if I wanted to be
with somebody else,
357
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,707
then I'd be with somebody else,
all right?
358
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:00,151
This is one of the cool things
about not being married
359
00:16:00,276 --> 00:16:03,622
is that there's nothing else
that's keeping me here...
360
00:16:03,747 --> 00:16:04,672
Except you.
361
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,758
Okay, that's hot.
362
00:16:07,924 --> 00:16:11,854
All right.
Well, it's true, okay?
363
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:18,803
So, uh, if Jessica Alba's
made of butter,
364
00:16:18,928 --> 00:16:20,354
what am I made out of?
365
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:25,401
Hmm, mm, I love you...
366
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:26,845
So, so much.
367
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:30,948
I...
I love you so much.
368
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:33,184
So a prenup can be, you know,
369
00:16:33,309 --> 00:16:35,244
a little uncomfortable for couples.
370
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:38,089
But the good news is,
if you make it through this,
371
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,790
you can make it through anything.
372
00:16:39,956 --> 00:16:43,161
And that is a figure of speech,
373
00:16:43,286 --> 00:16:46,339
not a binding legal promise.
374
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,466
Well, I think this is gonna be
easy money for you, Valerie,
375
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:53,054
because we're on the same page
about everything.
376
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:57,475
Well, everything is a lot but okay.
377
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,494
Let's begin.
378
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,604
So do either of you own any property?
379
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,190
My parents have some land in Ohio.
380
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:05,316
Okay.
381
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:08,453
And I have a lot of ideas
382
00:17:08,578 --> 00:17:11,723
for, like, books and greeting cards,
383
00:17:11,848 --> 00:17:15,284
so I have intellectual property.
384
00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:18,454
Okay.
What about investments?
385
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,957
Uh, I have stocks and a 401.
386
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,208
Oh, good.
387
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:26,212
I have invested a lot in myself.
388
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,807
Like, uh, emotional capital
389
00:17:28,932 --> 00:17:33,219
into my spiritual wellbeing.
390
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:36,722
- Okay, I'll put that down.
- Okay.
391
00:17:36,888 --> 00:17:39,350
Lil, this is gonna go faster
if you're serious.
392
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,643
I am serious.
393
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,587
I guess what they say is true, huh?
394
00:17:42,712 --> 00:17:44,146
Opposites attract.
395
00:17:44,312 --> 00:17:47,650
Next I need to know
about any current debts owed.
396
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,193
Uh, no.
No debts for either one of us.
397
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,529
Okay.
398
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,531
Actually...
Sorry, actually I...
399
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:59,003
I owe $7,000 to chase
and $300 to Victoria's secret
400
00:17:59,128 --> 00:18:01,998
because they would no longer
take my chase card.
401
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,417
What? You told me
that you had great credit.
402
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,578
And I may not have paid
our cell phone bill this month.
403
00:18:06,703 --> 00:18:08,379
- Lily.
- I couldn't find a stamp.
404
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,172
I'm sorry.
405
00:18:10,338 --> 00:18:12,925
Could you excuse us for a second?
406
00:18:13,091 --> 00:18:17,355
Sure.
407
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,407
Uh, do you know
408
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,727
if there's a Williams-Sonoma
in this neighborhood?
409
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,729
You know what?
410
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:28,566
I'll just go.
411
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,101
What is going on?
412
00:18:30,226 --> 00:18:31,610
Why did you lie to me
about that stuff?
413
00:18:31,776 --> 00:18:33,254
Because when I tell you the truth,
414
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:36,073
you just get mad at me.
You can be very judgmental.
415
00:18:36,239 --> 00:18:38,242
Well, you can be
really irresponsible.
416
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:40,061
Yeah, see, that's...
That's why I've been pretending
417
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:43,214
to be this person
that you want me to be.
418
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:44,832
I voted for Nader.
419
00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:48,119
Okay, putting that aside,
420
00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:49,287
when have you ever had
to pretend to be somebody
421
00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:50,337
that you're not?
422
00:18:50,503 --> 00:18:52,273
Right now.
423
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:53,775
Being here
with a prenup lawyer who goes
424
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,277
against everything I believe in.
425
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,304
I hate museums.
426
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,431
You said that you were fine
with a prenup.
427
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:01,833
Well, I lied,
428
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:03,001
just like I lied about knowing
429
00:19:03,126 --> 00:19:06,062
what kind of Indian you are.
430
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,355
Is it Punjabi?
431
00:19:08,521 --> 00:19:11,042
No.
432
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:12,485
What have we been doing?
433
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:14,445
Pretending, clearly.
434
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:18,115
I-I-I pretend a lot,
so we don't fight.
435
00:19:18,281 --> 00:19:20,284
Well, it's going great.
436
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:23,454
We are so different.
437
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,456
I mean, tell me you don't see that.
438
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:27,416
If we can't be ourselves,
then why are we getting married?
439
00:19:27,582 --> 00:19:31,337
I don't know.
440
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,674
Hey, buddy.
441
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:39,178
Hey, um,
can I crash with you tonight?
442
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,889
No, is your DirecTV out?
443
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:45,559
Yeah, my DirecTV is out.
444
00:19:45,725 --> 00:19:48,146
Get in here, man.
Get in here right now.
445
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,439
Thanks.
E.T. Is on.
446
00:19:52,684 --> 00:19:55,027
{pub}Hey, Whit.
447
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:01,818
This is only gonna happen once,
448
00:20:01,943 --> 00:20:03,285
so make it count.
449
00:20:03,451 --> 00:20:05,621
Oh, but it's gonna go so fast.
450
00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:15,464
Whose...
Whose hair is this?
451
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:17,801
- Mine.
- Mm.
452
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,053
Why is it...
453
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:23,139
Okay, my lips are burning.
What is that?
454
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,174
That's a lip plumper.
455
00:20:24,299 --> 00:20:25,725
It burns your lips
to make them bigger.
456
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,978
Mm.
Ow, ow!
457
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,021
It's... it...
It's in my eye now.
458
00:20:31,187 --> 00:20:33,066
- Oh.
- Ow!
459
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:36,186
Mm. Mm.
Mm.
460
00:20:39,612 --> 00:20:42,241
Is this your ass?
461
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:43,994
Uh-huh.
462
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,413
Oh, God, get away from me,
you monster.
463
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,866
Fake ain't so good now, is it, bitch?
464
00:20:49,991 --> 00:20:51,709
No, no.
Get out of here.
465
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:56,505
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
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