All right, Sarah? Hey, all right, Kelly?
When are you going back to London? I don't know.
Soon, hopefully. I always wanted to live in London.
But, you know, shit happens.
Oh, he's gorgeous. No, he's not.
He's as pug-faced as his father.
When are you going to start popping 'em out? Oh, no.
I don't think kids are my thing. Good for you.
Take my advice, keep your legs crossed and get back to London ASAP,
before your nipples start looking like an ordnance-survey map.
OK. Bye.
You all right, Nan? No, your mother's doing my head in.
You all right? Yeah, fine.
Have you ever had an abnormal smear test?
Yeah. OK. Good.
Oh, cheers. No, I don't mean that.
But I've had a couple of tests come back a bit dodge.
It's not big deal. One in 20 women have it. OK.
I was worried I might have brought it on myself. Don't be silly. How?
In this leaflet, it says sometimes you get it if you've had sex young,
which I did, have sex with different partners, which I do,
or have ever had the HGV virus, which I have. HGV?
Warts. That's HPV.
What did I say? HGV.
What's that? Heavy Goods Vehicle.
Anyway, I thought it was my fault, but you've had abnormal tests too.
And you hardly ever have sex, right? Also correct, and thanks.
Good. They want me to go to hospital for another test.
OK. How long have you known about this?
About two months. Why didn't you say?
Do you want me to come with you? Yes, please.
It's just worrying because of Mum, you know. Yeah, of course.
OK, so, got your costume for later? Richard's dropping it off soon. You?
Totally. Is John coming? Why would he come to Sound Of Music?
Cos it's brilliant. Have you spoken?
No, he disappeared back to London. Sure nothing happened after we left?
I've already told you, no. But you were wasted.
Right. And you didn't try anything?
OMG, you did! No, I didn't.
OMG, he did! What happened?
Made for each other! Grammatically compatible.
OMG. Stop saying OMG.
Oh, Richard will be gutted. There's nothing to be gutted about.
Whatevs. Richard won't care.
Whatevs. Don't say nothing.
Don't say nothing about what? Nothing.
Satans! Tell your nan I'll be back in a bit to do her make-up. OK.
Laters. Laters.
You all right, Mum? Fine, thank you.
Do you want a cup of tea? No, I haven't got time.
What are you looking for? The invoice for the sandwich fillings.
Carol. Yes, Mum?
Gandhi says, "There's more to life than increasing its speed".
Gandhi didn't have a meeting with his accountant 20 minutes ago
and a missing sandwich invoice, did he?
Has that agent called back yet?
No. So what does that mean?
She doesn't like my stories.
Right. Well, that's that, then.
You'd better think of summat else to do, haven't you, madam?
"..said Eleanor."
"'But wealth has much to do with it.' 'Elinor, for shame!'
said Marianne,
'Money can only give happiness where there is nothing else to give it.'"
You know who I am, don't you?
Of course I do.
I'm the Queen of Spain.
And if you lift this ceiling, I'll sing for you if you like.
All right? Yeah, how's it going?
Good. Any joy with the estate agent?
Fingers crossed, be sold in a few weeks.
Great.
Well, I'm just about done for the day, so I'll leave you to it.
Mate, listen, I've been meaning to say thanks again
for not mentioning Mum to anyone. That's all right.
It's just hard to know what to say to people about it.
Yeah, of course.
I wonder where she goes.
I don't know how you do it, mate. I haven't got a clue with her.
Well, she seems to like this, if you want to give it a go.
Oh, cheers.
It's all right.
Hey, Michelle, I said I'd call.
Oh!
You all right, Mum?
Mum?
Oh, what, Sarah?!
I just asked if you were all right. Yes, fine!
I've just spilt milk all over the floor, that's all!
No use crying over it. I'm not!
Right, then, my lovers. Where's your mum?
Being busy. No change here, then.
All right? All right.
All right? Got a bit of a squiffy tummy, but other than that.
I got your costume. Oh, cheers.
Can I come and get that foliage off you?
What are you going as, a tree? No, it's for my compost.
You need to be quick. The minibus leaves at 6:30 and won't wait.
And if you know anyone who wants a ticket, we've one going spare.
They're like hens teeth, them things. That's the truth.
Have they been there since this morning?
Carol, put them flowers in some water!
6:30. 6:30.
What time, Stan?
6:30.
Talk of the devil. Hello, Richard, love. All right?
Good. What did Stan say? There's a spare ticket.
Oh, no, they're like hen's teeth, them things.
And put them flowers in some water. Oh, yeah, of course.
I drove past you yesterday, Carol. Did you, Richard?
In what? Test-driving a Volvo.
I thought you were getting a Cleo. I am.
Ah! I've found it!
Are these your old school shorts? Yeah.
Hm. Sexy. I made 'em work.
Hi. Hey.
All right? All right?
Hi. Hey.
What's going on? We're sorting out costumes
for tonight's sing-along Sound Of Music.
What's that?
You sing along to the Sound Of Music.
Oh, right.
What for? Fun?
Oh.
Talk of the devil. Hello, John. You being served?
Just the coffee, please. To go. Sarah?
You coming tonight, John? Oh, no.
I don't think musical karaoke is my style.
There's a spare ticket going. Hm? Strike while the iron's on.
Uh, Richard, can you come and help me move a fridge?
Why are you moving the fridge?
Uh, I'm mopping up spilt milk. No use crying over it.
I'm not. Right, we need to move it into the middle of the room.
£1.50, please.
Help me get this off first. OK.
Careful with them, Richard.
I, um... haven't seen you around for a few days.
Yeah, I had to get back to London for work.
I just popped in to...
Look, about the other night... Oh, look. Don't worry about it.
These things happen. Do they?
No. Not to me.
No, me neither. It's a bit... confusing.
Yeah.
Pull, Richard. Pull, pull.
So, sing-along Sound Of Music, eh? It sounds rubbish, doesn't it?
I don't know. Really?
I'll give it a go. Really?
Why not?
OK. Great. Well, minibus leaves at 6:30.
Great. Great.
OK, well, better go get myself a costume.
You're taking the ticket? Is that OK?
Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be? Great.
Great. Great, then. Great.
OK, well, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
I'll see you later. Bye.
Great. Great, then. Great.
Right, well, I better get changed.
I'm walking the dog on the beach in a minute, if you fancy it.
Maybe. You're walking the dog in your costume?
Yeah, dog don't mind. Laters. Laters.
Oh, no. John forgot his coffee.
I don't think he came in for a coffee, love.
Is John coming? Yeah.
Good! You'd better put some make-up on, then, haven't you?
"Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste,
that they hurry past it."
Good on, Nan.
All right, scuttlers? Why are you looking so smug?
Guess who's the new face of the Fairsave Summer Sale?
David Cameron! Oh!
No. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah. Nick Clegg's sidekick. Not Batman and Robin.
You're the face of Fairsave? Summer Sale.
How did you blag that? Got talent-spotted by the manager.
What talent did he spot? Standing still.
What have you got to do? Stand still in front of Fairsave.
£70 a day. Result! Do you get a discount?
No. Oh.
Good one.
Do you want a hand? Yes, please.
What time's the minibus picking us up? 15 minutes.
Have you heard back from JDate yet?
Might have done. So? What's happening?
Might have a JDate. That's great. That's JGreat.
Yeah. Might be.
I'll be in the toilets. Looks like everyone might be getting
some of their favourite things.
Why is Lily Savage in your toilet? I done her up like Fraulein Maria.
It's uncanny. Chloe, it's untranny.
You can't let her go out like that. Oh, Chloe, I loves it!
Wait till Alice Dobson sees me looking like this.
What do you reckon, Kieran?
Julie Andrews? Yeah, it's uncanny.
Thanks, Mr Messenger, I'll give it you back tomorrow.
She doesn't even know I'm here, so she won't notice that I'm not.
Michelle, I've got to go. I'll call you when I get in.
Yes, I promise. Yeah, love you too.
OK, bye.
Hello? Hi, mate. Shouldn't you be in costume?
Give us five minutes. I'll come with you.
These things are so annoying. I'm sorry.
I know you're busy, but can I have a word?
About Sarah? Yeah, which word would you like?
Michelle.
Alles richt, meine Lieberdicken? Ooh-hoo! All right, Stan?
Head count. Three plus me is four. Kieran's in the toilet.
Five. Where is Dicky Pants? John? Don't know.
Where's your mum? In the kitchen.
You call John. I'll sort out your mother.
What did I tell her? I know.
Has that agent called yet? Not yet.
They said by the end of the day. It is the end of the day, Stan.
They'll call.
I don't know what else to say.
So that's it, then?
I'm sorry, Carol. Unless you find the money in ten days,
I can't see any other way.
It might be worth hearing what Brenda has to say.
Oi, Carol? You may be busy, but the least you could do is give them...
Oh, sorry, Brian, didn't know you were here.
No, no problem. I was just going anyway.
Nice costume, Stan. Dankeschon, muchly.
We'll speak tomorrow, Carol. Thanks, Brian.
Auf wiedersehen.
Oi, madam, no good just sitting there.
Minibus leaves in ten minutes. Sorry, Stan, I...
I didn't realise the time. Get your cossie on.
I'll see you out the front in ten. Stan, I don't think I can go.
No, I don't want to hear it. I'll see you in ten.
Sorry, Stan, I can't. You all go. I'll see you tomorrow.
No!
I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound bossy, but I won't have it!
You are in need of a night off.
Now, get your costume on and be out the front in... nine minutes.
Stan, I don't want to go! I don't care, Carol.
I know you don't want to go. I know you've got stuff to do.
I know you're tired. I know all the excuses you come up with
to get out of having any fun.
But not this time.
This has been planned for weeks. You're going and that's final.
Oh, don't, Carol, because I'll feel bad.
But it's for your own good. You can't keep hiding in this cafe.
Oh.
Well, that is unfortunate.
Brenda has offered to buy me out.
Please don't say anything to Mum.
Stan, I don't know what to do.
Okey-dokey. Well, first thing tomorrow
we'll solve the problem of the cafe.
But tonight, Carol, we are going to solve the problem of Maria.
Oh, Stan.
"He detested being in town,
yet either to Norland or London he must go."
"He valued their kindness beyond anything,
and his greatest happiness was in being with them."
Are you the one who reads to me?
Uh... Yes. Yes, I am.
Will you come every day?
Yes. Yes, I will.
Shut your von Trapps!
T minus six.
Where's John? I don't think he's coming.
Shall we wait for him? I don't think he was that bothered.
Okey-diddly-okey. I'll sell it on when we get there.
All right, Eva, my lover? Hello. You forgot this.
Oh, my goodness. The piece de resistance.
Cheers, Eva! You all look ridiculous, by the way.
Dankeshon, meine liebe. See you later.
Eva? Yes?
I don't suppose you've got a spare Austrian outfit lying about?
Come on. Do you fancy it?
Unless you've got something else planned. Snooze, you lose.
Go on. Go on.
Do you have a spare hair band? Call yourself a hairdresser.
Good. Do you have any make-up?
Call yourself a girl. Kieran!
Thanks. You've got four minutes!
I'll see you in two.
Come on, meine little dumplings. T minus one and counting.
Let's go, go, go!
Carol, are you ready? Coming!
Get a squiggle on.
- Right. Gin. Lemons. - Yes. Check.
We'll buy the tonic when we get there. OMG.
Chloe.
What? What on earth are you wearing?
Everyone goes as one of the family, so I thought I'd go as a soldier.
Do you know who the soldiers are? Germans.
Nazis. Yes. Nazis? No.
♪ Ye-es! ♪ OMG.
Get it off before Eva comes out. What has Eva got to do with it?
Polish Eva? You clown.
- OMG. I'm such an idiot! - Yes.
Get it off, quick.
That is so typical.
OK, thanks. You look great, Eva.
It's amazing what you can do with plaits.
Okey-dokey. Carol!
Edelweiss.
You look fantastic, my lover.
Thanks, Stan. You look gorgeous, Mum.
Amazing. Let's make a sound like feet walking.
Come on! Have I got time for a quick wee?
A very quick one. You go and enjoy yourself.
I'll just be a minute. You've got 30 seconds, love.
After you, madam. Bless you, my child. Whoo!
You idiot. I know.
- You OK about the tests? - C'est la vie.
I'm sorry John didn't come. C'est la vie.
Sorry the agent didn't call. C'est la vie.
Come on, Bridget Jones. Come on, Fraulein.
Aye, aye, Captain.
I did it in 20! That's my girl.
♪ Doe, a deer, a female deer ♪
♪ Ray, a drop of golden sun ♪
♪ Me, the name I call myself ♪
♪ Far, a long, long way to run ♪
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