1
00:00:06,439 --> 00:00:07,963
This is so depressing.

2
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:11,442
I was almost married.
I was so close
to being done.

3
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:17,245
Living a life of
no makeup, wearing flats,
being on the bottom...

4
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:22,046
Maybe I was wrong
about marriage.
That sounds awesome.

5
00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:24,813
Look. Don't worry, Lil.

6
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:26,825
I mean,
it's normal to
feel this way.

7
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:28,988
It's not normal
to make us put on
these dresses

8
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:30,529
and sing
Kanye West.

9
00:00:31,631 --> 00:00:33,690
But you know what?
Anything to help you
get over Neal.

10
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,735
Ah, ah, ah.
I told you

11
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:38,464
no one is allowed
to say the N word
in this apartment.

12
00:00:39,305 --> 00:00:40,329
(SlGHS)

13
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,667
Shouldn't no one
say the N word ever?

14
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,672
Then, we should
probably stop
singing Kanye West.

15
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:49,307
You know what?
I'm over it.

16
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:50,576
I'm not even
thinking about it.

17
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:52,515
Someone, pass me
another Neal.

18
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,487
Uh... I mean, a beer.

19
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:58,716
Okay. Let's just focus
on the positive. Okay?

20
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,885
Mmm-hmm.
I mean, I just got out
of a relationship, too.

21
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,985
We've never been single
at the same time.
Mmm-hmm.

22
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,121
This could be fun.

23
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:05,687
Yeah, I don't know.
No, it will be good.

24
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:08,598
You guys can go to clubs
and you can do Special K.

25
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,432
And, um, you can
have sex with
European backpackers.

26
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:14,868
Okay, I haven't been
single in a while.

27
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,237
You know what?
You guys are right.

28
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:18,834
I... I've got to
get out of this apartment

29
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:19,901
and take my
mind off of him.

30
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:20,968
Yes. See?
Yes.

31
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:22,775
Good. We'll...
We'll go out tonight.

32
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:23,838
Yes.

33
00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:26,247
I mean,
I'm already buzzed
and wearing Spanx.

34
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,252
I think that's the name
of Chelsea Handler's
new book.

35
00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:35,256
ALEX: Whitney is taped
in front of a live
studio audience.

36
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,628
Don't lie.
Staying with me has been
pretty awesome, right?

37
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,030
Yeah. This couch
is surprisingly comfortable.

38
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,502
Come on, dude.
We both know you're
not here for the couch.

39
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:46,903
You're here because
your heart just got
its ass kicked.

40
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:49,197
Right in the balls.

41
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,838
And of all the people
that you know,
you came to me.

44
00:01:57,016 --> 00:01:58,677
I'm just happy
somebody
finally recognized

45
00:01:58,751 --> 00:02:01,049
I'm the emotional
go-to guy
for our group.

46
00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:04,081
I was actually
just about to say
that l...

47
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:05,784
Shh!

48
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:09,323
Look, I used to be
just like you. Okay?

49
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,955
Shut down.
Always trying to be
the tough guy.

50
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:14,158
You know how many
times I cried in a helmet?

51
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:15,857
I'm fine.

52
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:17,568
Your engagement
broke off last week.

53
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,332
Now, you're sleeping
on the couch of a guy

54
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,669
whose middle name
you probably
don't even know.

55
00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:23,598
Patrick.

56
00:02:23,676 --> 00:02:24,665
Fine, we're best friends.

57
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,773
But you can't tell me
you're not hurting
right now.

58
00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,179
Look. Honestly,
I don't know how
I'm feeling. Okay?

59
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,649
There's a lot of things
going on in my mind
right now.

60
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,618
And I just, uh...
Need to sort
some things out.

61
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:34,778
We will.
I promise you.

62
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:36,344
Two nights
on my couch...

63
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,253
And I will get
inside of you.

64
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:45,663
I feel like we got off
to a weird start.

65
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,134
(SlGHS)
It's so nice out.

66
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,233
I know.

67
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,835
Walking outside
in the fresh air.

68
00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:01,737
We should get
a treadmill.

69
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,317
You know, it's so weird
that Lily and Neal
actually broke up.

70
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,615
I know. It's the
classic story.

71
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:10,119
Couple falls in love,
decides to
get engaged.

72
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,090
Disaster and
heartbreak follow.

73
00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:15,259
What kind of fairy tales
were you read as a kid?

74
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,429
Uh, my favorite one
was called
Eviction Notice.

75
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:21,728
Where the princess
had to move to
a new castle.

76
00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,466
Ah.
Mmm-hmm.

77
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,060
Did your dad
ever hug you?

78
00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:28,031
Aw. Come here.
(LAUGHS)

79
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,437
Not like that.

80
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,774
Well, I can think of
some other things your dad
never did to you.

81
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:35,006
Okay.
First of all, ew.

82
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:39,011
Second of all, eww.

83
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:42,682
And third of all,
sex in public never goes
according to plan.

84
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:44,412
That's true.
Mmm-hmm.

85
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,583
You always just realize
how much gravel there is
in the world.

86
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,652
All right. Nice and calm.
Hand over your wallet
and your purse.

87
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,595
Okay, man, look.
Just take it easy, okay?
I...

88
00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:02,070
Wow.

89
00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,515
Oh, my God.
Thank God
you're okay!

90
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:13,778
Are you okay?

91
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,446
I don't know.
My girlfriend stood
me up at a mugging!

92
00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:20,924
I can't believe
you just stayed with him.

93
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:22,724
I didn't just
stay with him.

94
00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:24,956
He's not an
injured bird, Whit.

95
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,592
He kind of made
my attendance mandatory.

96
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,032
Okay. Why didn't
you call me?

97
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,297
Uh, the mugger
wouldn't let me
borrow the phone

98
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:32,599
that he mugged
from me.

99
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:34,699
Why did you run?

100
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,433
That's what you're
supposed to do.

101
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:39,010
That is not at all
what you're
supposed to do.

102
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:42,039
Even the mugger
thought that was weird.

103
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:44,914
Everybody knows
that when a couple
gets mugged,

104
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,611
you're supposed to run
in opposite directions.

105
00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:48,176
He can't shoot
both of you.

106
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:52,188
No, just the guy
still standing
there next to him.

107
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:54,920
I thought you
knew what to do.

108
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:59,021
I do. You do whatever
the guy with the gun
is telling you to do.

109
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:02,200
Now, give me the phone.
I need to call the police.

110
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:03,326
Why? We're fine.

111
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,495
I'm not fine!
I was mugged!

112
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:10,132
Because you didn't run.

113
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:12,803
It's like you have
the brain of a deer.
Okay.

114
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:14,877
Running works. Okay?

115
00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:18,075
I learned at a very
early age, you don't try
to be the hero. Okay?

116
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:19,674
I ran from bullies.
I ran from cops.

117
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:20,878
I ran from feelings.

118
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,854
Okay? I have very
good survival instincts.

119
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,015
If it wasn't for those,

120
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:26,956
I would have been
moshed to death
at the Warped Tour.

121
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,726
Okay. Survival instincts.
Yeah? All right.
Yeah.

122
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:33,595
So, what are you
supposed to do when
there's a tornado coming?

123
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,061
Run.

124
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,033
Where?

125
00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:38,932
Away.

126
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:41,736
No, you're supposed to
go into the basement.

127
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,804
Go the basement?
Where the laundry is?

128
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,468
What, am I going to
do a load ofwhites?

129
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,370
All right.
Well, what about if
there's an earthquake?

130
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:50,471
Run.

131
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,677
Again with the running.
You know,
it's times like this

132
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,447
where you really see
someone's true colors.

133
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:56,716
Is that a song?

134
00:05:57,757 --> 00:05:59,918
No, it's a real emotion,
Whitney. All right?

135
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:01,482
You know that we're in
a relationship, right?

136
00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,721
We're supposed
to be together.

137
00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:03,819
We're supposed
to be a team.

138
00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:06,694
Yes. We're on a team.
It's called
Team Stay-Alive.

139
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,997
Okay, teammate.
Can you tell me
one situation

140
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:12,503
where your first thought
wouldn't be to run?

141
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:16,106
I guess if I had a
bomb strapped to me.

142
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,744
That's when you'd
stay with me?

143
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:29,149
Come on, man. Let it out.
What are you feeling?

144
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:35,189
Mark, I don't...
Dude, for the last time.
Don't tell me. Tell her.

145
00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:40,926
Again, Mark,
that picture makes me
really uncomfortable.

146
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,189
Good. Go with that.

147
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:43,701
Why does it make
you uncomfortable?

148
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:45,229
Because I've never
seen it before,

149
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:46,737
and I don't know
where you got it.

150
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:51,208
I'm sensing anger.
Let's give it
a place to go.

151
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:53,309
Rip out a few sets
on the muscle-maker.
No.

152
00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:55,040
Break something.
Just don't break
anything that's...

153
00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,775
You know what?
Just break my nose.

154
00:06:57,617 --> 00:06:59,847
Look, Mark,
I can't give you
what you're looking for

155
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,386
because the things
that I'm feeling,

156
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:02,819
I can't
put into words.

157
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,014
And that's the problem
with people.

158
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,423
We want to use words,
and words are dumb.

159
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:10,591
You know how
the grizzly bear
processes loss?

160
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,165
Yeah, I think they go
to sleep for, like,
six months,

161
00:07:13,232 --> 00:07:15,029
and nobody bothers them.

162
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:20,329
The grizzly bear
climbs to the top
of the nearest hill...

163
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,035
And it roars, Neal.

164
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,201
Neal,
this is your hill.

165
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,745
Yeah, I'm not
going to...
(SCREAMS)

166
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,905
Oh, it feels so good.

167
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:31,574
(SCREAMS)

168
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:35,012
My friend, you have
lost your she-bear!

169
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:38,553
And I am not
going to stop
until I hear you roar.

170
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,552
(SCREAMlNG)

171
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,498
(SCREAMS MEEKLY)

172
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,768
(COUGHS)

173
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,461
Ah.

174
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,313
Ow.

175
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,213
Huh? Oh, no.

176
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:08,947
(GROANS)
Oh, no.

177
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,981
(SlGHS) Oh, no.
Is that blood?

178
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:15,220
Or wine?

179
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,387
Wait. Blood or wine?
Blood or wine?

180
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:20,432
Oh. That's wine.
Okay.

181
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:21,994
That's blood.

182
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,195
We had fun last night.

183
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,404
Uh, why are you
wearing my wedding dress?

184
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:30,806
It was the only way
to keep you from
putting it on again.

185
00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:34,976
Whoa.
Why am I sore?

186
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,038
Did we get drunk
and do Pilates?

187
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,381
No, we did jump
in that guy's convertible.

188
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,647
And you missed.

189
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,820
Oh. I was wrong.
That is blood.

190
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:51,119
Whoa, I sent some texts
I am going to regret.

191
00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:53,554
Who is Johan?

192
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:57,432
I was texting all night
with some guy named Johan.

193
00:08:58,237 --> 00:09:00,432
I've got to go home
and re-hydrate
so I can cry.

194
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,905
No, no, no.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

195
00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:03,532
Hey, hey. Don't go. No.

196
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:05,839
You're single. I'm single.
Our day is free. Right?

197
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,813
We could go to
spin class or biking
or horseback riding.

198
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,906
What... Why do you
hate my vagina?

199
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:18,087
(SlGHS) All right.
Just let me get out ofthis
blood-soaked wedding dress.

200
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,018
And that is not
the first time
I've said that sentence.

201
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,229
Okay. So, that's Johan.

202
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:30,462
He's bleeding, too.

203
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,365
(ALARM BEEPlNG)

204
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,634
Ah.

205
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,472
Surprise.

206
00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:43,248
I got us
an alarm system.

207
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,677
That's an awesome thing
to do to a guy
who just got mugged.

208
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:49,143
Scare him in
his own house.

209
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,415
What would you do
to a rape victim,

210
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:52,081
sign them up
for speed dating?

211
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,786
Okay, this is my way
of showing you that
we are on the same team.

212
00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,694
Okay? We are now prepared
in case of all emergencies.

213
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,664
You bought
an alarm system
without telling me?

214
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:04,169
Well, you couldn't pay
for it because
you don't have a wallet.

215
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:08,300
And I couldn't call you
because you don't have
a cell phone.

216
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,642
And you couldn't be
closer to not having
a boyfriend.

217
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:16,039
We just bought
a bed together.
You're not going anywhere.

218
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,744
Okay. So, we have
an alarm for intruders,
one for fire,

219
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,911
and one for
when you cry.

220
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:23,251
Whit, I think that
water droplet
means flood.

221
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,750
I don't think so.

222
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:28,426
Okay. So, I googled
escape plans.

223
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,758
And the first thing we do
if there's a fire in the
middle of the night

224
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,024
is wake each other up.

225
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:33,963
And then,
we feel the door
to see if it's hot.

226
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,831
If it is, we go down
the fire escape together.

227
00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:39,097
Together.
And once we are
safely outside,

228
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:41,605
we talk to
a news crew and hope
they auto-tune us later.

229
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,767
Aw, you googled
something besides

230
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:46,709
"Maria Menounos,
what's your job?"

231
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,721
Fire! Fire!

232
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,795
(ALARM BLARlNG)

233
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:15,295
(ALARM STOPS)

234
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:20,941
Good, you're up.
The door's not hot,
so we can go.

235
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:28,377
(SlGHS)

236
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,786
What is wrong
with you?

237
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:32,153
What happened to
your plan

238
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,748
and all this talk about
us working together?

239
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:35,487
Okay, I can't believe
you tested me.

240
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:39,053
I can't believe your answer
to the test was to push me
into the fire.

241
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:43,330
Not only did you run
and not save me,

242
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:44,664
you made it harder
for me to save myself

243
00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:46,364
by body-checking me
into the wall!

244
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,734
Okay. Well, to be fair,
in a fire,

245
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,505
your hair products
put you in much more
danger than I do.

246
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:55,013
Look, these past few days
made me realize something.
All right?

247
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,446
People are either
fight or flight.

248
00:11:56,515 --> 00:11:58,676
I'm fight and you're...
You're flight.

249
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:03,683
Hey. I'm fight, too.
I hit you on the way out.

250
00:12:05,624 --> 00:12:07,455
Do you really not
see the problem here?

251
00:12:07,526 --> 00:12:09,721
Okay, I don't know
what it is. Okay?

252
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:13,162
This is all I know.
It's like I was
raised by wolves.

253
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,963
No, you weren't.
Wolves stay in a pack.

254
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,335
You know what? Look.
I guess it's fine.

255
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,567
It's just, when it comes
to emergency situations,
I'm on my own.

256
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,737
Come on. That is not true.
All right? We are a team.

257
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:26,801
We're like
Sonny and Cher.

258
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,181
Cher left Sonny,
and then Sonny died.

259
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,481
On a mountain,
in an emergency.

260
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:44,088
I think Jack Daniels
is a racist

261
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:47,064
because he does not
get along with
Jose Cuervo.

262
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:50,824
(SlGHS)

263
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,836
Come on. It's 11:00.

264
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,669
We've got to move
or we're going to be late for
our emotional cooking class.

265
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,039
Okay, Lil,
you know what?

266
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,443
We've been on
a three day bender,

267
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,072
going out and
drinking all night

268
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,447
and doing stuff off
Daily Candy all day.

269
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,780
I mean,
I never thought
I'd say this, but...

270
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,582
I actually miss being
alone with my thoughts.

271
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:15,854
I don't.
We're having so much fun.

272
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,228
Okay. Lil, I'm tired.
All right?

273
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,697
I'm sorry, but I can't
do this anymore.

274
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:23,200
I think I'm too old
to be an alcoholic.

275
00:13:24,703 --> 00:13:28,537
And I am definitely
too old to be grinding
teenagers in "da club."

276
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:31,268
Well, that's okay.

277
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:32,833
I mean, there's plenty
we can do without drinking.

278
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,311
Can I just say
three words to you?

279
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:37,178
Architectural.
Boat. Tour.

280
00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:43,320
Lil, I feel like maybe
you're trying a little
too hard

281
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,651
to keep your
mind off Neal.

282
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:47,886
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm completely fine.

283
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:50,025
Should I get braces?
(PHONE BEEPlNG)

284
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:53,726
Honestly.
I saw an infomercial.
It really got me thinking.

285
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:55,895
Oh, my God,
it's Neal.

286
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:58,092
He's on his way.
He wants to pick up
his key.

287
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,728
I don't want to see him.
We've got to
get out of here.

288
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,069
I've got to go.
Grab my Uggs.
Lil. Lil, stop. Stop, stop.

289
00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:07,034
Look, I know
this sucks, but...

290
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:09,673
You can't just
run from this.

291
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:14,744
Or drink from this.
Or yoga from this.
Or lnvisalign from this.

292
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,419
I'm not.
I'm just keeping busy.

293
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:19,480
And taking advantage
of my Groupons.

294
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,654
Come on. Lil.
I see what
you're doing.

295
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:26,760
You don't want to be alone
in this apartment.

296
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:29,194
You're attached at the hip
with a best friend.

297
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:32,328
You're trying to drink
away the pain of a breakup.
I mean...

298
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,836
You're not dealing
with reality.

299
00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:37,174
How do you know?

300
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,603
Because I'm doing it, too.

301
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,514
Only in my case,
it's even sadder,

302
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,176
because I have not
changed my underwear
in three days.

303
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,857
Yeah, you're right.
I... I...
I have to deal.

304
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,359
I... I've got to cancel
all the wedding stuff

305
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,156
and find a new place.
Can I live with you?

306
00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:01,632
You... Wow.
That's aggressive.
But, uh...

307
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,762
Yeah. Will you, please?

308
00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:07,332
I don't want to
go home alone.

309
00:15:11,877 --> 00:15:13,139
All right, Johan,
grab your passport.

310
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:14,543
The party's moving.

311
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,351
All right, all right.
I got our drinks.

312
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,286
And look
what else I got.

313
00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:26,324
Michelle, here,
works for Ticketron.

314
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:29,919
And Penny
is currently suing
a major airline.

315
00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:32,921
You guys should have plenty
to talk about because
Neal, here,

316
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:35,728
has bought tickets
for an airplane.

317
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,001
What are you doing?

318
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:41,468
I am sending you
to Pound Town.

319
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,039
I don't want to go there.

320
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:46,669
Ladies, excuse us.

321
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:52,279
Before you say anything,
I'm comfortable with
any combination.

322
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:54,645
Look, Mark,
I'm not in the mood

323
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,711
to hook up with
a random stranger.

324
00:15:57,356 --> 00:15:58,948
They're not random.

325
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,787
I handpicked them.

326
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,596
Look. When you go
through a breakup,

327
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:08,030
your body stops
producing dopamine
and serotonin.

328
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,761
You know what
it does not
stop producing?

329
00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:10,824
Sperm.

330
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:17,135
Let the pain
and the sperm out.

331
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:22,246
Look, there is
no pain. Okay?

332
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:23,904
I mean, there should be,
but there isn't.

333
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,543
I should be devastated,
but I'm not. I'm...

334
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,587
I'm mostly
just relieved.
It's nothing.

335
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,283
That's not nothing.
Nothing is something.
Feeling nothing is what...

336
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:34,188
It's what being
a guy is all about.

337
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,650
Go with that.

338
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:43,296
Okay. I feel
a little ashamed that
I feel relieved.

339
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,293
Because I should
feel terrible,
and I don't.

340
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:50,366
And you're right.
It does feel good
to say that.

341
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:53,511
Dam broken.

342
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,609
Go-to guy.

343
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:59,648
Hey. Girls.
I did it.

344
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,044
I broke
this dude's dam!

345
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,558
Hey.
I'm going to bed.
Okay. I love you.

346
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:13,496
You can sleep outside
if it makes you
feel more comfortable.

347
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:17,001
Oh, and make sure to,
uh, close the window
so the alarm sets.

348
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:18,934
I got it. See?
Go, team.

349
00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:22,300
Uh, or you can
just keep it open
in case there's a fire.

350
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,035
So you can just
throw me out of it.

351
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,310
I love you.

352
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,409
(EXCLAlMS)

353
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:34,079
Balls.

354
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:40,419
ALEX: Oh, my God!
A squirrel! Ah!

355
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,692
Calm down.
I... I can't.

356
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,160
You know
I hate rats.

357
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:45,560
Okay.
It's just a squirrel.

358
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,292
No. No.
Squirrels are just
sexy rats.

359
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:48,388
Everybody
knows that.

360
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:49,729
I think it
touched my leg.

361
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,702
Where is it?
I don't know.
I don't know.

362
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,260
All I feel is a
squirrel-touch. Ew!

363
00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:55,363
Okay, it's fine.
All right?

364
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:57,807
It is much more
scared of us than
we are of it. All right?

365
00:17:57,876 --> 00:17:59,707
It just wants something
to eat, and then
it's going to leave.

366
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:01,268
Let's just make
a path of chips
to the window

367
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:03,075
so it can get out.
But we can't feed it
anything too nice

368
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,706
or else we will never
be able to get rid of it.

369
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,546
Okay. Well, that was
my mistake with you.

370
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:17,358
Well, hello, there.

371
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:21,996
Mr. Squirrel.
I know exactly
how you feel.

372
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,598
I hate people, too.

373
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:25,199
Come on.

374
00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:27,433
Come on.

375
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,671
I've been in the
same situation.

376
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:34,203
Stuck in a strange
guy's bedroom,
just looking for some nuts.

377
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,312
Come on.

378
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,607
Come on.

379
00:18:40,552 --> 00:18:43,020
Come on. Do, do, do...

380
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:47,916
Bam!

381
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,517
Oh, my God.
That was awesome.

382
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:50,892
How did you know
how to do that?

383
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,591
I was raised on
a lot of cartoons.
Who was the guys,

384
00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:56,566
the, um...
The, uh Chucky and...

385
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:57,964
Bucky. Bucky?

386
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:00,537
Who?
Chuck... No, Chucky
and the guy with the...

387
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,938
With the...
The thing...
The... Chucky.

388
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:04,168
Are you talking about
Rocky and Bullwinkle?

389
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:05,403
Yes.

390
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:06,842
Do you know them?

391
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:09,212
They were basically
my parents.

392
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,949
Oh, yeah.
I keep forgetting you
were raised in the wild.

393
00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,574
Well, not actually
that you were raised
in the wild,

394
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,212
but more that you were
just kind of not
raised at all.

395
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:17,550
But, uh...
Hey.

396
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:19,887
This is the first time
it came in handy.

397
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:21,150
I don't know
what to tell you.

398
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,285
You fell in love
with a hood rat.

399
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,224
Hood rat. Huh.

400
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:28,664
Oh, my God. You don't
even know what are
animals and what aren't.

401
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,758
Okay.

402
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,632
Can we please just
focus on the fact that,
in that moment,

403
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,534
we just made
a pretty good team?

404
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:37,533
Well, yeah.
I don't know.
I didn't do much.

405
00:19:37,809 --> 00:19:39,299
Well, that's what
a team is.

406
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:42,136
You're not supposed to
have the same strengths.

407
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:43,476
You know,
you're supposed
to trade off.

408
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,278
Like, with the squirrel,
I was strong.

409
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:49,286
And with the mugger,
you basically hung out
with him and played Wii.

410
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,914
You know, I'd like to
see how brave you'd be

411
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:54,618
if the little squirrel
pulled out a tiny gun

412
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,320
and asked you
for your wallet.

413
00:19:56,762 --> 00:20:00,198
If the squirrel
pulled out a tiny gun
and asked for my wallet...

414
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:02,467
We would be
millionaires.

415
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:12,907
Okay, in a 100 meter sprint,
I am beating you every time.

416
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,469
In high school,
my nickname was
Fast Whitney.

417
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:18,675
Look, I'm sure
that's true,

418
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,581
but I'm talking about
physical speed.
All right?

419
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,643
I'm pretty sure that
I'm faster than you.

420
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,019
Okay. You do a lot
of things fast,

421
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:27,456
but running is
not one of them.

422
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,526
All right. Look.
We're not having

423
00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:31,722
this discussion
right now, all right?

424
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,287
Men are faster
than women.

425
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:34,832
End of story,
goodnight.

426
00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:37,662
Really?

427
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,431
Really.

428
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:48,969
All right.
On your marks,
get set...

429
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,408
Go!

430
00:20:51,350 --> 00:20:52,442
(SCREAMlNG)