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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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Straight A's, Daddy-o.
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Nope. I don't see
any athletics on here.
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Yeah, I'm not much of a sports guy.
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I'm more of a good-grades guy.
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That's who I am.
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Hey!
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Son, good grades won't get you
anywhere in life.
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You only get places through
athletic accomplishments.
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Well, what about Bill Gates?
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Before he blew out his ACL
and had to do computers,
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Bill Gates rushed
for over 300 yards a game.
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Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
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And I don't know
the recipe for apple pie,
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but that didn't stop me
from making one.
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Now, while that cools,
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come on, I want
to show you something.
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The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum.
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Dedicated to the high school
wrestling career of Stan Smith.
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Um, I've lived in this
house my whole life.
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How long's this been here?
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Construction of the museum
began in 1998.
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I should know because,
like Ross on Friends,
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I'm a docent.
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But unlike Ross,
I don't look like a Monchichi.
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I take the tour every day.
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Except for Sundays,
when the tour is free
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and the place gets a little...
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ethnic.
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Steve, I was once
a loser just like you.
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Hurtful.
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Then, in my junior year,
I took up wrestling.
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It changed my life.
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Uh...
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And the ultimate testament
to my greatness
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is the state record I still hold.
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20 wins in a row.
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And no one's even come close
to beating it.
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Yep, that record there is the mark
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I've made on this Earth.
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And when I'm gone, it will remain.
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Without it, I am nothing.
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I certainly wouldn't have
a great piece of ass like this.
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You know who else
really appreciates my rump?
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Charlotte.
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The point is, if you want
to get anywhere in life,
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you have to join the wrestling team.
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Gee, Dad, that sounds great.
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Oh, no.
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The school doesn't have a
wrestling program anymore.
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Ah, squigglebottom.
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What? I am outraged!
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Well, take your outrage elsewhere.
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I have another group coming through.
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We'll exit through the gift shop.
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Make sure to check out
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our Stan Smith pan flute
rain forest music.
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Each song sounds the same,
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yet somehow manages
to be worse than the last.
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As many of you know,
the wrestling program
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has been defunct for several years.
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Ever since the former coach
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was caught teaching
a style of wrestling
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that would perhaps be
more at home in a prison...
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between a prisoner
and a weaker, prettier prisoner.
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But now an annoying...
I mean involved... parent
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wants to bring the program back.
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I give you
the most decorated wrestler
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in Pearl Bailey history, Stan Smith.
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Thank you.
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Anyone interested
in joining the wrestling team,
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please raise your hand.
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What if I said you get to do
stuff like this?
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Aah! My back!
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How about that?
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Congratulations, Steve.
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You and your friends made the cut.
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So I give you your Pearl Bailey
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varsity high school wrestling team.
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Um, just going back a sec.
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Are you saying Coach Keegan,
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who is now the baseball coach,
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(bleep) his wrestlers?
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That was a long time ago.
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All right, gladiators.
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This is what we've practiced
so hard for.
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Our first meet.
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We're going to kill them!
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Schmuely, remember what I taught you?
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Yes, Coach.
Good.
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Now, get in there
and destroy this guy.
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Oh, my God!
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It's not going well for Snot.
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Oh, my God!
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But don't worry, son.
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You're a Smith.
You'll be fine.
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He's lying!
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You won't be fine!
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Call my aunt!
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That tickles.
Tickles.
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Tickling. Ticklish.
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Timber!
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Nice, Barry.
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All right, Barry!
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I'm having trouble changing
into my street clothes.
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All right, Steve,
the biggest myth in wrestling
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is that you need strong arms.
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Like kangaroos and rapists,
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all your power comes from your legs.
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I might have said frogs, but yeah.
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That's why I'm going to have you
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run the Chimdale Stairs,
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the longest staircase
in North America.
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I was a child when I fell.
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With stronger legs
from the stairs, you can't lose.
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Not to mention I dropped you
into a lower weight class.
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I am not
showing improvement.
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Uh-oh.
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Who wants him to die?
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Your boy's doing great, Stan.
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He hasn't won
a single match all season.
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No, I'm talking about Badass
Barry the Butterball Bear.
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Named him myself.
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Took me 19 days.
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He's undefeated.
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Only three wins away from
beating your record.
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What?!
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Make that two wins away.
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My God, I've been
so focused on Steve,
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I... I didn't even realize.
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You know, maybe...
maybe Barry
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should sit out a match,
get some rest.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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I got money on that belly.
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25 G's he breaks your record.
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I got a bookie who'll
take action on anything.
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Oh, my God!
I just got my first period.
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Ha!
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Earl, you owe me 25 bucks.
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How'd you know?
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Always bet on red.
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Anyway, the boy wrestles.
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I-I... I really don't think...
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I said the boy wrestles!
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I spent a lot of time
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Photoshopping Reagan
into that picture.
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And for what?
For nothing.
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Stan, you're making too much of this.
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Do you think Corey Haim cares
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00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:55,715
that Corey Feldman went
on to great success?
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No, Corey Haim's doing great.
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But it's the foundation of who I am.
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Without that record,
I... I'll have nothing.
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Charlotte!
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Shut up, Charlotte!
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What am I going to do about
Barry beating my record?
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There's only one thing
you can do: sabotage.
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You gotta take Barry out.
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Excuse me. Hi.
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Were you videotaping that?
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'Cause I'm sort of planning
a crime against a child here.
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I can't do that. I'm his coach.
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No, but I can.
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You... you'd do it for me?
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I'd do it for me.
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I'm a docent, Stan.
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If he breaks your record,
I'm out of a job.
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And I will not go back
to Relax the Back.
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I repeat, I won't go
back to Relax the Ba
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as long as Douglas works there,
and we both know Douglas
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is going to work there
for the rest of his life.
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All right, Roger.
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Let's do it.
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Roger should have been back by now.
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How long does it take to maim a kid?
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Mission accomplished.
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I did him Tonya Harding style.
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With a...
and a...
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and a...
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Somebody beat up Snot!
191
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:17,556
Uh, aren't you Snot?
192
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I'm Barry.
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Stan, I might have got the wrong one.
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Why? Why?
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Why ask why?
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Try Bud Dry.
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That's an old reference.
198
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,658
Not as old as the Nancy Kerrigan
thing you're doing.
199
00:09:40,725 --> 00:09:41,951
Hey, watch it with that thing.
200
00:09:42,076 --> 00:09:44,120
You're the one
who put me in this chair.
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00:09:44,245 --> 00:09:46,697
I crippled your legs,
not your manners.
202
00:09:48,616 --> 00:09:49,659
Where's my lucky butterball?
203
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He's up next.
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I don't know.
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He should be here.
206
00:09:54,722 --> 00:09:57,391
Gee, I hope he makes it on time.
207
00:10:01,696 --> 00:10:04,340
Dad, I got a good feeling
about this one.
208
00:10:06,271 --> 00:10:08,502
Aah! He's so nimble!
209
00:10:19,147 --> 00:10:20,523
That was my longest match ever.
210
00:10:20,648 --> 00:10:23,092
Did you see how I
eluded his hand-feet?
211
00:10:23,217 --> 00:10:26,153
Can I pick out one toy
at Toys "R" Us?
212
00:10:27,989 --> 00:10:29,098
Well?
213
00:10:29,223 --> 00:10:30,233
This time, I got him.
214
00:10:30,358 --> 00:10:31,401
Trust me.
215
00:10:31,526 --> 00:10:33,469
Hey, ref, I don't know
where my guy is.
216
00:10:33,594 --> 00:10:34,884
I guess he'll have to forfeit.
217
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:36,760
Fire! Fire!
218
00:10:36,926 --> 00:10:39,166
Stop! Drop! Roll!
219
00:10:42,432 --> 00:10:43,580
Damn it!
220
00:10:43,705 --> 00:10:45,748
Now he's one win away
from breaking my record.
221
00:10:45,873 --> 00:10:48,134
Sorry, Stan. I locked
him in the freezer.
222
00:10:48,259 --> 00:10:50,900
I don't know how the kid
set himself on fire.
223
00:10:55,566 --> 00:10:56,843
Small bills are in the safe.
224
00:10:56,968 --> 00:10:58,244
The rest is in my butt.
225
00:10:58,369 --> 00:10:59,879
I'm not here to rob you.
226
00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:02,494
I'm here to shoot a kid
in a tree house.
227
00:11:02,724 --> 00:11:04,434
You know what kid I wanted to kill?
228
00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:05,802
The youngest daughter
in Mrs. Doubtfire.
229
00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:07,070
Hated her face.
230
00:11:07,195 --> 00:11:09,122
By the time I could
get a good shot at her,
231
00:11:09,247 --> 00:11:11,128
she had grown up
and turned into nothing.
232
00:11:11,294 --> 00:11:13,092
Barry's only one win away.
233
00:11:13,217 --> 00:11:14,694
I will not lose my record!
234
00:11:14,819 --> 00:11:15,986
Well, killing him should do it.
235
00:11:20,875 --> 00:11:22,285
I can't get a clean shot.
236
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,120
That damn oak tree is in the way.
237
00:11:24,245 --> 00:11:25,184
On it!
238
00:11:40,428 --> 00:11:42,505
I never knew you had
such powerful legs.
239
00:11:42,630 --> 00:11:44,807
Really? Really?
240
00:11:44,932 --> 00:11:46,542
You didn't know I had powerful legs?
241
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,845
You never stared at my legs before?
242
00:11:48,970 --> 00:11:49,946
Okay.
243
00:11:50,071 --> 00:11:51,502
Okay, I'll just play along.
244
00:11:51,668 --> 00:11:52,632
This is great!
245
00:11:52,757 --> 00:11:54,334
I can teach you how to wrestle.
246
00:11:54,459 --> 00:11:56,769
You can pose as a student
at a rival high school,
247
00:11:56,894 --> 00:11:58,384
defeat Barry and save my record.
248
00:11:58,629 --> 00:12:00,473
So let me understand
this wrestling thing.
249
00:12:00,598 --> 00:12:03,977
The goal is to lie on top of
another man, against his will,
250
00:12:04,102 --> 00:12:06,112
for three seconds, in a bathing suit.
251
00:12:06,237 --> 00:12:08,748
Is this a high school sport
or my trip to Cancun?
252
00:12:10,558 --> 00:12:12,398
I'm sor... no, I'm-I'm in.
253
00:12:15,066 --> 00:12:16,122
Next match.
254
00:12:16,247 --> 00:12:18,696
Barry Robinson and Dimitri...
255
00:12:18,987 --> 00:12:20,059
Krotchlikmioff.
256
00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:22,228
Dimitri Krotchlikmioff.
257
00:12:22,353 --> 00:12:24,588
New exchange student from Russia.
258
00:12:35,211 --> 00:12:36,130
One, two...
259
00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:37,089
Use your legs!
260
00:12:37,351 --> 00:12:39,049
I can't!
I have really weak legs.
261
00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:40,426
No, you don't, you have the opposite.
262
00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:41,885
I know, today's opposite day.
263
00:12:42,106 --> 00:12:43,554
No, it's not!
That means it is.
264
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,389
I'm not playing!
That means you are.
265
00:12:45,555 --> 00:12:48,404
Roger, just win before
the ref stops politely waiting
266
00:12:48,529 --> 00:12:50,519
for our conversation to end
and gets to three.
267
00:12:50,685 --> 00:12:51,895
Fine.
268
00:12:54,318 --> 00:12:55,161
One, two, three!
269
00:12:55,286 --> 00:12:56,191
Winner!
270
00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:57,234
Yes!
271
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:00,383
Yeah!
272
00:13:00,508 --> 00:13:02,218
I win! I win!
273
00:13:02,343 --> 00:13:05,021
Uh, Coach Smith, that's the guy
from the other team.
274
00:13:05,146 --> 00:13:06,577
Shut up, corned beef!
275
00:13:06,743 --> 00:13:08,999
I can feel your pulse in my thigh.
276
00:13:15,173 --> 00:13:16,532
Uh-uh, Francine.
277
00:13:16,657 --> 00:13:19,135
Allow me to take my dishes
to near the sink for you.
278
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:21,120
Well, okay, mister.
279
00:13:21,245 --> 00:13:24,557
You've been a pleasure
since Barry lost his match.
280
00:13:24,682 --> 00:13:26,430
Oh, are my muscles sore.
281
00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:28,561
Tired muscles?
What, you been working out?
282
00:13:28,686 --> 00:13:29,946
No, I've been wrestling.
283
00:13:30,071 --> 00:13:32,048
Already won 15 matches in a row.
284
00:13:32,173 --> 00:13:33,483
I'm going after the state record.
285
00:13:33,608 --> 00:13:34,617
You're still wrestling?
286
00:13:34,742 --> 00:13:36,106
Why the hell would you do that?!
287
00:13:36,377 --> 00:13:38,354
Excellent question.
Here's my answer.
288
00:13:38,479 --> 00:13:40,556
I don't want to work
as a docent my whole life,
289
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:43,906
unless I'm a docent in a museum
dedicated to me.
290
00:13:44,072 --> 00:13:45,128
Roger!
291
00:13:45,253 --> 00:13:46,996
I'm gonna beat your record, Stan,
292
00:13:47,121 --> 00:13:49,495
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
293
00:13:52,226 --> 00:13:54,937
500 on Jimmy Cooper
to go down in the egg toss.
294
00:13:55,062 --> 00:13:56,606
Boy's got shaky hands.
295
00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:59,142
His parents just got divorced
because his mom banged
296
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:02,879
some black dude named
this big mamma-jamma right here!
297
00:14:03,004 --> 00:14:05,782
That Russian kid from Lanceton
is gonna beat my record.
298
00:14:05,907 --> 00:14:08,472
I have to stop him.
299
00:14:08,638 --> 00:14:11,003
You have to let me
back into high school so I can
300
00:14:11,128 --> 00:14:12,851
wrestle against Krotchlikmioff
and keep my record!
301
00:14:13,017 --> 00:14:15,174
I'll do it on one condition.
302
00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:17,110
You buy some candy bars from me
303
00:14:17,235 --> 00:14:19,358
so that I stay off drugs
and don't join gangs.
304
00:14:19,524 --> 00:14:21,338
All right!
305
00:14:23,224 --> 00:14:24,767
I'm gonna keep my record!
306
00:14:26,928 --> 00:14:28,571
I can walk again!
307
00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:30,206
I can walk!
308
00:14:34,622 --> 00:14:38,815
You know, we always carry it
this way and bad things happen.
309
00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,650
Why don't we carry it this way?
310
00:14:40,775 --> 00:14:41,951
That's so smart.
311
00:14:42,076 --> 00:14:43,799
I think we're going
to get a promotion.
312
00:14:47,031 --> 00:14:48,865
My legs!
313
00:14:51,769 --> 00:14:52,770
It's a fit!
314
00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:59,439
♪ ♪
315
00:15:29,302 --> 00:15:31,002
♪ ♪
316
00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:39,338
Stan, what are you doing here?
317
00:15:39,463 --> 00:15:41,006
You don't need to come to class.
318
00:15:41,131 --> 00:15:42,708
Just show up for the wrestling match.
319
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:43,976
Oh.
320
00:15:44,101 --> 00:15:45,978
Yeah. Okay.
321
00:15:46,103 --> 00:15:48,198
Sure.
322
00:15:49,372 --> 00:15:51,140
♪ ♪
323
00:16:02,202 --> 00:16:03,445
Hi. Remember me?
324
00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:05,080
I just rented this half an hour ago,
325
00:16:05,205 --> 00:16:06,716
but it turns out I don't need it.
326
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,517
Yeah, sorry, you
drove it off the lot.
327
00:16:08,642 --> 00:16:09,951
B-But I don't need it.
328
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:12,521
Sorry, dude. Still got to
charge you for the day.
329
00:16:12,646 --> 00:16:14,808
Just forget it.
330
00:16:17,784 --> 00:16:20,562
Hi. I just rented this, but
it keeps pulling to the right.
331
00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:22,655
I already told him no, Gary!
332
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,424
What are you doing?!
333
00:16:32,549 --> 00:16:34,159
Erasing every trace of you.
334
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:36,695
By tomorrow night, when
I pin you to the mat,
335
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:38,630
all this will be mine.
336
00:16:38,755 --> 00:16:40,232
My Russian drifted into
337
00:16:40,357 --> 00:16:41,967
a little Dracula at the end there.
338
00:16:42,092 --> 00:16:43,292
I got to work on that.
339
00:16:45,428 --> 00:16:46,772
Stan, come to dinner.
340
00:16:46,897 --> 00:16:49,041
You don't want to be
in the museum after hours.
341
00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:50,876
That's when everything comes to life.
342
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:53,612
Francine, there's no way I'm
giving this place to Roger.
343
00:16:53,737 --> 00:16:55,013
Okay, closing time.
344
00:16:55,138 --> 00:16:56,222
Everyone out.
345
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,031
Well, Dad, you got a gym
full of fans waiting.
346
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:14,966
Get in there and beat the
alien that lives in our attic
347
00:17:15,091 --> 00:17:17,703
that's dressed like a Russian
high school wrestler.
348
00:17:20,096 --> 00:17:21,673
Listen to that.
349
00:17:24,768 --> 00:17:27,297
These are some soundproof doors.
350
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,275
Stan, what's that thing they say
351
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,344
when a play runs for
a really long time?
352
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:00,545
They say the play has...
353
00:18:00,670 --> 00:18:01,581
Sizzle?
354
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:02,948
No, okay, okay.
355
00:18:03,073 --> 00:18:04,983
You know how when
you're drinking a glass of wine
356
00:18:05,108 --> 00:18:06,551
and some of it sticks to the glass?
357
00:18:06,676 --> 00:18:08,338
They say the wine has...
358
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,172
Stickiness?
359
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,465
- No!
- Sizzle?
360
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,214
Legs! I wanted you to say "legs."
361
00:18:19,088 --> 00:18:22,484
Uh, you have to pin him on his back.
362
00:18:22,609 --> 00:18:23,603
Boo.
363
00:18:25,595 --> 00:18:26,695
One, two...
364
00:18:28,164 --> 00:18:30,526
One, two...
365
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:33,812
I want that record!
366
00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:36,021
It belongs to me!
367
00:18:51,187 --> 00:18:52,507
♪ ♪
368
00:19:01,298 --> 00:19:02,824
One, two...
369
00:19:02,949 --> 00:19:04,059
It's been ten days.
370
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,360
You gotta give up eventually.
371
00:19:05,485 --> 00:19:06,495
Never!
372
00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:08,147
Don't you have a job to go to?
373
00:19:09,656 --> 00:19:11,333
Smith, read this intel
and give me a report
374
00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:12,617
by the end of the day.
375
00:19:12,742 --> 00:19:14,320
On it, chief.
376
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:17,038
Hooper, I owe you a new headboard!
377
00:19:17,163 --> 00:19:19,941
I broke yours last night
while I was banging your wife!
378
00:19:21,318 --> 00:19:22,954
You got me, Stan!
379
00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:29,458
Brought you two boys some soup.
380
00:19:30,744 --> 00:19:32,588
What's going on at home?
381
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:33,855
Not much.
382
00:19:33,980 --> 00:19:36,858
Hayley is being a complete
pain in the ass, as usual.
383
00:19:36,983 --> 00:19:39,127
How's Girls Who Like Boys
Who Like Boys been?
384
00:19:39,252 --> 00:19:40,395
You've been TiVo-ing it, right?
385
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,264
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
386
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,865
You bitch, now I'm gonna be behind.
387
00:19:43,990 --> 00:19:46,468
I'm doing this for you
and this is the thanks I get?
388
00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:47,729
Roger.
389
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,504
What do you mean you're
doing this for her?
390
00:19:49,629 --> 00:19:51,357
Francine, what does he mean
he's doing this for you?
391
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,707
Nothing!
He means nothing!
392
00:19:52,832 --> 00:19:54,776
Oh, for crying out loud.
She put me up to this
393
00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:56,177
'cause she wants you
to lose your record.
394
00:19:56,302 --> 00:19:57,196
What?
395
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:58,780
I'm sorry, Stan.
396
00:19:58,905 --> 00:20:01,367
I'm just so tired
of that freakin' record.
397
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,871
What? But you always
enjotouring my museum.
398
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,455
No, I pretend to enjoy it.
399
00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:11,059
Stan, you got that stupid record
over 20 years ago,
400
00:20:11,184 --> 00:20:13,254
and I've heard about it
every day since.
401
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:14,630
But it's who I am.
402
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:15,630
No!
403
00:20:15,755 --> 00:20:17,332
It's who you were.
404
00:20:17,457 --> 00:20:19,334
And if you keep living in the past,
405
00:20:19,459 --> 00:20:21,554
you can't fully live in the present.
406
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,339
Oh, my God.
407
00:20:24,464 --> 00:20:25,767
You're so right.
408
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,435
I've been fixating on the...
409
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,394
One, two, three!
410
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:32,447
Yes!
411
00:20:32,572 --> 00:20:34,549
The record is all mine!
412
00:20:34,674 --> 00:20:37,743
I'm gonna go tell Hayley
what you said about her.
413
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,158
Let's go home, honey.
414
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,459
I'll catch up with you.
415
00:20:44,584 --> 00:20:46,418
I need a moment.
416
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:57,465
"Longest Man-on-Man
High School Sports Embrace."
417
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,257
Well, look at that.
418
00:20:59,382 --> 00:21:02,694
I feel sorry for the poor
bastard whose record I beat.
419
00:21:02,819 --> 00:21:04,262
It was mine.
420
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:05,897
But don't feel bad.
421
00:21:06,022 --> 00:21:08,257
Records were made to be broken.
422
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,983
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
423
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,655
Easy, easy.
424
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,031
Stay in the lines.
425
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:29,230
Ah, Suzie,
you (bleep) piece of (bleep)!
426
00:21:39,449 --> 00:21:42,969
I don't think this is the
right school for Suzie.