Greetings and salutations.
So happy to see you finally came to your senses
and gave us another shot.
Well, we went with another security company,
and then we got robbed.
Ha. It's touching stories like that that keep us in business.
Why don't you come with me this way,
and I'll introduce you to the contra club?
Look alive, people! Mr. Fox is in the house!
First up, we got cash,
our resident gadget geek and Sci-Fi fantasy freak.
I'm more than meets the eye, baby. (Whirs)
And of course, Melanie, lock picker and ass kicker.
(Clank) You lock it, I pop it.
And last but not least, Cameron price,
our star hacker and cyber cracker.
(Computer beeps) If you upload it, I'll... download it.
Sorry. I didn't know we were doing catchphrases.
I gotta say, Oz... you've got a well-oiled machine here.
Top security team in the business.
And they saved the best for last.
I'm Veronica, the sassy receptionist.
I type 14 words a minute. I know how to e-mail.
I'm up to windows 95.
She's the temp.
Yeah, more like temptress.
That's a peek under our skirts here at contra.
You want to see any more, you're gonna have to put a ring on it.
Thank you very much, sir. Looking forward to it.
Well, I just landed us a nice jobski.
- You know what that means. - You got first round?
I'll allow it.
(Aerosmith) ? sweet
? emotion
? sweet
? emotion
♪ talk about things that nobody cares ♪
♪ wearing other things that nobody w... ♪
(Music stops abruptly)
What's going on, guys?
A second ago, you guys were all like,
Invite only.
And...
I just bumped you up to the v.I.P. List.
We can take my kia sedona!
Hey! (Laughs)
Why is Oz being so nice to this crazy lady?
He's definitely up to something. Well, then again, when isn't he?
No, even for him, this is an epic fail.
Well, look, I totally get it. The lady is an inspiration
for the greatest prank I'm gonna pull in this office.
Oops, forgot my I.D.
Don't want anybody thinking I'm your kid sister.
Okay, I'm gonna fire up the minivan.
Hope nobody's allergic to cats.
Prank her, cash. Prank her hard.
Hey. You wanted to see me?
Hey! Cam the man.
This is a very, very big day for you.
Okay.
I would like you... To take a seat.
But that's your Captain kirk chair.
Have a seat, Chekov.
(Sighs)
Why do I feel like you're going to kill me?
No, no. No, no, no. That's just a vibe I give off.
I'm really a... A very, very gentle soul.
You've been here what, a year now?
Would you say that you're happy, cam?
Yeah, of course. I mean, this place is like family.
Yeah. We are like a little family in this office.
Now we have a... A new member.
(Cameron) Yeah. Kooky aunt Ronnie.
I want you to take her under your wing. You know?
Uh, show her the ropes.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna show her the ropes.
I mean, cash is planning something epic.
No, no. Stop right there. No pranks,
especially after what happened to the last receptionist.
Hey! All you normal-size people, help me! I'm shrinking!
Seriously?
Seriously! No touch-y that temp-y.
Now get out there and welcome her on into the fold.
(Cameron) We're not your typical office, you know?
We do high-end security, so... Yeah.
- Um, you know, we protect museums... - Mm-hmm.
- Corporations, weird island compounds... - Wow.
You know, things can get kind of crazy around here.
Oh, boy. The craziest thing that happened at my old office was a little
unwanted game of grab-ass with Harry from accounting.
Oh, my God. That happened to you?
Oh, no. That happened by me. Yeah.
Oh, lordy, that man had a sweet, sweet chassis.
Mm. Whomp. There it is. Oh. Mm. Yeah.
What is happening?
You know what's happening, cam? Is your tour is...
(Blows raspberry) So I'm taking over.
W...
first up, we've got... This guy...
Mitchell!
Cash!
With the gadgets and the toys
and the quippy one-liners.
I hate your face.
All right, next.
Oh, and there's little miss hot potato.
Yep, that's Melanie. She's our lock picker.
Mm. She is fine like rice wine.
Camby, I have seen the way you look at her.
Are you guys...
What?
(Makes squeaking sounds)
(Whispers) No. No. Stop.
(Imitates water running, gulps)
(Sighs, resumes squeaking sounds)
(Whispers) No. (Normal voice) Ple... please stop that.
We're not... we don't...
(Makes squeaking sound)
No. No. We're not "eeky-eeky." We're just... we're friends.
She was dating this total douche until he got arrested
- for selling clean urine to airline pilots. - What?
Yeah, totally could have made a move,
but the last thing I wanted to be was a rebound,
so I didn't really... you know what?
No. I don't know why I'm...
tour's over.
Wait, no, no. We were just getting to the good stuff.
You got the deets on all the peeps.
Ooh. Who's that?
That'd be creepy Carol.
She's in charge of H.R.
Oh, that is so cute. I love nicknames.
Hi, creepy Carol!
N... th... no. That's more of a not-to-her-face nickname?
Yeah, we avoid her at all costs.
Every office has one, right?
Yeah. (Chuckles)
(Under breath) And now we've got two.
(Ball clatters) (Cameron) Ohh!
Ohh. Skunked again. (Laughs)
I'm off my game! I mean, I can't prank the new girl?
This is just un-American.
Oz said... (Imitates Oz) "No touch-y the temp-y."
It doesn't make sense. Oz cherishes a good prank.
Well, the whole thing was strange.
I mean, I sat in his kirk chair, he gave me a back rub, and...
We kind of had a moment.
You sat in the kirk chair?
You think something's wrong with Oz?
What are you talking about? I know Oz.
If there was something going on, I'd... oh, my God!
This is a first. Oz is in a meeting with creepy Carol?
Alone.
She smells like soup.
Why would he be meeting with H.R.?
You think somebody's getting the boot?
Only one way to find out, but it's not gonna be pleasant.
(Liquid bubbling)
Mm. That's yummy.
I can't believe I'm here with you guys... at funanigan's.
I mean, you're so pretty and so cool and so black,
and it's happening.
Mm? How come nobody's sipping?
Oh. Oh, we are.
Mmm.
So, Carol, what was that big meeting with Oz all about?
- Yeah, who's getting fired? Is it me? - Mm.
I'm getting fired, aren't I?
(High-pitched voice) Aah! Ginormous brain freeze!
(Both laugh)
Uh, no. (Sighs)
Oz would never fire you guys. You guys know that.
But the company that he wants to sell contra to might.
I'm just saying there's a big meeting tonight.
Don't tell anyone. It's confidential, okay?
Mm, mm.
Psst.
(Lowered voice) I'm really drunk.
(Men without hats' "the safety dance" playing)
Oh, my God. You guys, this is my jam. (Hums)
You really don't think Oz would sell contra without talking to us?
I know why he's not talking.
New owners are gonna clean house, and I'm boned.
A 26-year-old uber-geek who lives in his ma's garage
doesn't pop on a resume.
Unless 401(K) Means "I have 400 grand in the bank"...
(Whispers) I'm screwed.
(Lowered voice) Ohh, are we gossiping?
(Normal voice) Ohh, ho ho ho ho. Dish it out. Mommy's hungry.
Oh. Okay. I get it.
Gotta earn it. You're absolutely right.
Respeck! Okay.
I'm just gonna head back to my ball,
do a little desk-ercise, fire up my core,
get back into my leathers. (Chuckles)
I'm coming for you, office hottie.
(Whispers) Oh, yes.
(Normal voice) I'm gonna get her. (Chuckles)
There's gotta be some wiggle room
on this pranking thing.
Hey, Oz. Where you going? Hmm? Big meeting?
No, no, I, uh...
I've got a hankering for some dumplings.
I can't decide if I'm gonna stay local
or head to Beijing for some mama foo's. Peace.
Are you selling contra?
Now why on earth would I do something
as inconceivable as that?
I don't know. All right?
We can't conceive of half the things you do,
and the other half, we just don't understand.
Look at me. Am I blinking?
Huh? Any tells?
I don't think so. I am not selling... contra.
You got it?
Now if you don't mind, my shumai awaits.
You saw that, right?
(Lowered voice) Sweat. Oz never sweats.
I heard he got his sweat glands removed.
All right, you know what?
We gotta figure out who Oz is meeting,
and we gotta figure it out now.
Got me?
Kick me in the dumplings.
There's Oz. I guess his story checks out.
Who's he meeting? Oh, my God. It's Ronnie.
What is she doing here?
And what the hell is she driving?
Not a sensible kia 5-passenger minivan, I'll tell you that!
You don't think her and Oz are "eeky-eeky," do you?
Well, if they are, they're very formal.
Who is this woman?
We gotta hurry up. Veronica will be here any minute.
"Mug half bull."
Little forensics, c.S.I. Contra,
lifting fingerprints, and got it.
All right. And scan...
(Keyboard clicks)
Hacking the d.M.V. Database now.
(Beeping)
Bingo-bango. Got a match.
Looks like Veronica mann is actually... (Key clicks)
"Veronica mann"?
She's a V.P. Of acquisitions for a company named "O.C.P."
Acquisitions? The woman buys up companies?
Why on earth would Oz ever sell contra?
Hello? We're talking about Oz here.
The man is an enigma wrapped inside of a puzzle
wrapped inside of an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Well, the good ones. The first one.
Know what I think?
I think Veronica's going all "undercover boss,"
trying to figure out who to keep and who to let go.
Oh, man, I am so fired.
... toys on his desk and the quippy one-liners.
I hate your face.
Took me, like, an hour to clean that thing.
Really flared up my tennis elbow.
(Bang, splat) Ah!
Why do I have to be so hilarious all the time?
Look, she doesn't know we've cracked her real identity.
Let's just... pucker up and smooch some Booty.
(Singsongy) Good morning, good morning, good morning!
Another beautiful day.
Uh, hey! Hey, girl!
Veronica, what's up? Hey, y...
do you want some coffee?
'Cause I-I will drive to the java hut and everything.
My mama's name is Veronica.
I like you.
Okay.
I know what's happening here, guys.
Am I making office friends? Is that what's happening here?
Uh, yeah? Come on.
Oh, my gosh. Uh, can I make you one of my famous banana breads?
- You kidding me? - (All) We love banana bread!
Oh, I knew you would. Hey, what's this doing here?
You know, sometimes my cat gets in the batter,
but usually it's fine, so... buddies!
All right. (Hands clap)
Excellent performance, kiddies. What time's your next show?
Cute, but you lied right to our faces.
(Lowered voice) I wanted to tell you the truth,
but Ronnie was right in earshot,
and it was part of a condition of the sale.
Everything had to be confidential.
I kept trying to drop you guys clues.
- What clues? - Oz don't sweat. (Liquid drops)
And, cam, as much as I love ya,
I don't rub dudes' shoulders just for the heck of it.
Of course. I mean, this place is like family. (Rhythmic beeps)
Yeah.
Morse code? Who uses morse code anymore?
It's very popular with the Somali pirates.
Okay. Now we know.
Can you please tell us why you're selling contra?
Well, what can I say? They made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
You sold us out for money?
(Sighs) That's usually how a sale works, cam,
but look, it's all copacetic.
Just show Ronnie how talented and wonderful you guys are,
- and we're fine. - Oh, God, no.
She's gonna see my talent firsthand.
- Huh? - I rigged her damn hippity hop.
(Hissing)
I told you, no pranks!
I didn't listen!
(Slow-motion voice) Oh, no!
(Creaking)
Looks like the cat's out of the bag.
You no longer have to be undercover, old Ronnie Brasco.
Hi!
So sorry for the exploding fitness product.
In my defense, I didn't know you mattered.
Ronnie here works for optimal consumer products.
They're rolling up security companies,
and they've got their huge, corporate dart
aimed right at the bull's-eye... our little contra band. Ha ha.
(Lowered voice) I may be your new boss.
(Normal voice) Questions? Comments? Concerns?
Little hands, shoot.
(Sighs) My doctor says they're proportional.
N-never mind.
Okay, here's the dealio.
When O.C.P. Buys a company,
they're really buying its employees,
so now that you've blown my cover,
I have to get the information about you
the old-fashioned way... self-evaluations!
Just define yourselves for me, would ya?
I want to know about you... what needs improvement,
who's the weakest link, who's a total dick...
Okay, so you want us to throw each other under the bus?
No, cammy, not under.
Just put 'em near the tires, and I'll jam it into reverse.
(Lowered voice) She's giving me a fear boner.
Hello. Hi. Sorry I'm late.
It was a terrible fuss getting the ball up the stairs,
as I'm sure you can imagine. Um, does anybody have a tissue?
I'm actually rather allergic to Humphrey,
- which... I think I've told you that before. - No.
I... no, I-I'm pretty sure I have, 'cause I get the red eyes and...
Yeah. Isn't she cute?
This is my executive assistant, Molly Hughes.
She runs Ronnie-land, also known as Veronica-ville,
so you can just e-mail those evals to this e-gal.
Oh. Smashing.
That's another thing you haven't told me about about there.
(Laughs) You are so funny.
Don't you just love the way she talks?
(British accent) She's from across the pond.
Just makes everything sound so adorable.
Ah. (Normal voice) I just want to pick her up
and put her in my pocket. Okay.
You kids have got some homework to attend to,
so let's get on that.
Is this gonna explode? I don't know. Let's find out.
(Making beeping sound)
Nice to meet you.
(Cameron) Oh, my God.
I thought "kooky aunt Ronnie" was just an act.
That's really her personality.
You want her to buy our office? Her? Are you crazy?
Boop. I'll allow it.
Well, no, I won't.
I'm sorry, but I'm not working
for Ronnie or her faceless conglomerate.
Well, at the moment, you work for me,
- so I say clickety clacky, type-y type-y. - No way.
Being a corporate bitch goes against everything I stand for.
I'm not evaluating anything.
Cam, wait.
You're forcing me to do something I don't like to do...
Tell the truth. (Pants)
I'm broke, cam.
What are you talking about? You drive a Maserati.
You fly to China to get appetizers.
You own a white tiger!
I'm not saying I'm unhappy.
I'm saying I'm broke, and if this deal doesn't go through,
everybody gets kicked to the curb,
and that is the thing that would make me unhappy.
All right, I'll fill out the form.
Aw, give Oz a hug.
Okay, all right...
Come on. Tell no one.
Oh, cam, hey. How's this sound for a self-evaluation?
"Dear O.C.P., suck it."
Wait, what?
No, no, you were right, cam.
We're not gonna let Oz sell our office for a quick buck.
I-I really don't think you should send those to Molly.
Good call.
Boom.
Sent it to Veronica.
You should read what she wrote.
(Whispers) You have a dirty, dirty mouth.
You have no idea what you've done.
I was just talking with Oz, and he...
(whirring)
(Whirring stops)
You... you want me to C.C. You on this?
(Typing)
(Beep)
Okay, cash, Mel, and delete.
Hey there, big guy. Hey.
Whatcha doing?
Oh, just surfing... porn. Pornography. I have a problem.
Oh, I love pornography. Which site?
The... naked... girl... females.
Oh, my gosh. Are you high?
What? Did you really think
a billion-dollar company that rolls up security firms
wasn't gonna notice if you hacked into their V.P.S e-mail?
Okay, wait. Ronnie, I can explain.
I mean, this is my personal life you're invading.
- What did you see, cam? - I didn't see... I...
Private e-mails? Documents from my divorce attorney?
(Gasps) Some regrettable photographs
taken during an emotional low point...
Wait. Stop. (Sighs) I... you're telling me way more than I saw.
Is there some kind of problem here, Ronnie?
Oz, I was just trying to help.
So this was your idea, Oswald.
I am a fun gal, very, very personable, if you will,
but there is a line,
and your frack doesn't know where the frick it is.
Whoa, whoa, what are you saying?
I am saying that your little contra club
isn't O.C.P. material after all. The deal is off.
You're kind of giving me that kill vibe again.
(Clank)
All right.
Beers are on me.
It's the least I could do for, you know, ruining lives.
(Oz) It's not your fault, cam.
Well, it totally 100% is,
but I am the guy who placed you in this position, so...
To contra. It's been a hell of a ride.
Mm. Mm.
(Clink) You know what? Maybe it's not over.
All this time, Oz has had our backs,
even when we didn't know it, so maybe it's time we had yours.
Let's just show O.C.P. We're worth buying.
(Sighs) Sounds impossible...
But I am starting to like those odds.
Okay. Let's talk Turkey.
Tomorrow at 10:00 A.M., old Ronnie mann
meets with the board to kibosh the contra deal.
That means we've only got a few hours to figure out
how to get in front of those suits before she does.
They're a billion-dollar company running military-grade security.
You know what? If Ronnie's big meeting is set for 10:00,
let's set our own for 9:00.
Hey. Don't get yourself lassoed again, cowboy.
Don't worry. This time, I'm behind seven proxies.
Molly's computer won't know what hit it.
I'm overriding her calendar settings.
Got no idea what you just said.
(Cameron) Melanie, you're in charge of getting us in the door.
(Bangs, whir)
First floor's tricked out with palm recognition scanne.
That's all cash.
All right. Security guard is
a clippers season ticket holder. Say exactly what I say.
Okay. Mikey d. Clippers, right? Blake Griffin!
Blake Gryffindor! Harry Potter, y'all!
Don't geek it up.
I think I got his prints. Let's see if this works.
(Beeps)
(Lowered voice) We are in.
(All, singsongy) Ronnie!
(Cameron) There she is. Hey.
Ha ha. Wow.
Kid. Fantastic.
You've done it again. Brilliant presentation.
Just refresh... My memory as to why that is.
Having them break into O.C.P...
It's all coming back to me now.
To show us the flaws in our own "unbreakable" security.
"Unbreakable." Well, sir, let me just say,
I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...
(Whispers) And I'm all out of bubble gum.
I may use that sometime, but right now? Take a bow.
Hmm-hmm.
We have a deal. Give her a hand.
Yeah.
Well, good morning, contra security...
a division of optimal consumer products.
It's about to get real awesome up in hea.
(Simple minds' "don't you (Forget about me)" Playing)
My sharonnie. Nice to see you being such a good sport.
Well, you know me.
It's gonna be real joy having you here.
Well, that remains to be seen.
By the by, I don't know if you're still interested in
these self-evaluation letters, but you never got mine.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Cheerio.
(Oz) "Dear Ronnie,
"you said, when you buy a company,
"you buy more than the name... you buy the people in it.
"You came here to figure out who we are
"and to define us in our simplest terms
"and most convenient definitions...
"the techie...
The criminal..."
(Crackles) "The brain...
"The basket case...
"And me.
"Sure, you think we're a bad bet,
"but sometimes the longest odds pay off the best.
Sincerely yours, the contra club."
Well... seems like we may have our work cut out for us.
? La la la la
♪ La la la La la la la la la la ♪
? La la la la
♪ La la la La la la la la la la ♪
We'll see about that.
(Chuckles)
♪ La la la La la la la la la la ♪
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