1
00:00:02,187 --> 00:00:04,588
SCHMIDT: Here?
You're dropping me off here?
2
00:00:05,156 --> 00:00:07,724
R-Right in front
of this obvious pickpocket?
3
00:00:07,792 --> 00:00:09,459
Look at the size
of that guy.
4
00:00:09,527 --> 00:00:11,128
He's clearly new homeless.
5
00:00:11,195 --> 00:00:13,263
We're a mile away
from the loft, Cece.
6
00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:14,130
I'm not getting caught with you.
7
00:00:14,298 --> 00:00:16,166
I'm gonna have to run
all the way home.
8
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,516
And I have
my slippiest loafers on.
9
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,401
If I were you, I would
get walking right now.
10
00:00:19,403 --> 00:00:21,137
You're never gonna
get home before dawn.
11
00:00:21,204 --> 00:00:24,106
Okay, look, I'm fine with you
not telling anybody about us,
12
00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:27,343
but you cannot just
call me at anytime
13
00:00:27,344 --> 00:00:29,478
and just summon me
for intercourse.
14
00:00:29,546 --> 00:00:30,779
I have no control here,
15
00:00:30,846 --> 00:00:34,015
and I'm stressed out
all day long.
16
00:00:34,083 --> 00:00:35,950
It's like you're ripping
the side block
17
00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:37,786
out of my mental Jenga.
18
00:00:37,853 --> 00:00:39,487
I'm totally falling apart.
19
00:00:39,555 --> 00:00:41,222
Okay, Schmidt, you...
20
00:00:41,290 --> 00:00:44,125
you really need to
learn to take a breath
21
00:00:44,193 --> 00:00:45,959
and calm down, all right?
22
00:00:46,027 --> 00:00:48,428
We're just being
a little spontaneous.
23
00:00:48,496 --> 00:00:51,165
Words that have never been
used to describe Schmidt:
24
00:00:51,232 --> 00:00:54,034
"spontaneous, flexible,
easy-going."
25
00:00:54,102 --> 00:00:55,903
- I'm like a Marine.
- You're nothing like a Marine.
26
00:00:55,970 --> 00:00:57,971
I'm totally like a Marine, all right?
You know what? Fine...
27
00:00:58,039 --> 00:00:59,840
I'm...
I'm out of here.
28
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Take these,
29
00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:04,010
and take care of them--
I can get a tetanus shot,
30
00:01:04,011 --> 00:01:06,445
but I can't cure
damaged suede.
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00:01:10,317 --> 00:01:11,000
JESS:
Can you believe
32
00:01:11,001 --> 00:01:12,101
I found this
on the street?
33
00:01:12,102 --> 00:01:13,286
Who would want
to throw this away?
34
00:01:13,354 --> 00:01:15,554
A blind man who
suddenly recovered his sight?
35
00:01:15,872 --> 00:01:18,056
Get rid of it, Jess--
pine has no place in this loft.
36
00:01:18,624 --> 00:01:20,291
It's the wood of poor
people and outhouses.
37
00:01:20,609 --> 00:01:22,293
I pay rent,
so I think
38
00:01:22,461 --> 00:01:25,097
- that gives me the right to
add a few things. - Jess...
39
00:01:25,099 --> 00:01:26,432
(chuckles)
40
00:01:26,464 --> 00:01:27,432
you're wrong.
41
00:01:27,799 --> 00:01:28,867
Okay?
44
00:01:31,838 --> 00:01:34,105
- I'm keeping the hutch.
- I had a bad night.
45
00:01:34,172 --> 00:01:36,907
I'm really, I'm just asking you,
please d-don't push me.
46
00:01:36,975 --> 00:01:39,443
'Cause then I'll have to reinstate
my ban on high-waisted shorts.
47
00:01:39,510 --> 00:01:40,911
- You would not dare.
- Try me.
48
00:01:40,979 --> 00:01:43,280
That was the worst
four weeks of my life.
49
00:01:43,348 --> 00:01:46,150
♪ Hey, girl ♪
50
00:01:46,218 --> 00:01:49,419
♪ What you doing? ♪
51
00:01:49,487 --> 00:01:51,454
♪ Hey, girl ♪
52
00:01:51,521 --> 00:01:54,490
♪ Where you going? ♪
53
00:01:54,558 --> 00:01:56,893
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
54
00:01:56,961 --> 00:01:58,594
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
55
00:01:58,662 --> 00:02:00,998
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
56
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Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:07,436
Hey, Winston,
58
00:02:07,504 --> 00:02:08,837
why are you still drinking?
59
00:02:08,905 --> 00:02:10,973
It is 10:00 in the morning, man.
60
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,108
Yeah, I know what it'll
feel like when I stop,
61
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:16,445
so I'm just gonna stay
a little drunk, forever.
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00:02:16,513 --> 00:02:19,682
Well, why is there no girl
version of you, my man? (groans)
63
00:02:20,651 --> 00:02:21,617
Moving on.
64
00:02:21,685 --> 00:02:23,418
So, last night's poker game.
65
00:02:23,986 --> 00:02:24,753
Got pretty intense.
66
00:02:24,821 --> 00:02:26,255
I don't even know what
you're talking about--
67
00:02:26,322 --> 00:02:27,422
I was so hammered last night.
68
00:02:27,490 --> 00:02:29,392
I've never been more sober
in my whole life.
69
00:02:29,459 --> 00:02:31,459
I'll remember this
as long as I live.
70
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,595
I'm all in.
Uno, bitches.
71
00:02:34,663 --> 00:02:36,131
Read 'em and weep.
72
00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:37,999
- Straight flush.
- Aw!
73
00:02:38,566 --> 00:02:39,466
So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?
74
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,601
- 20 bucks?
- Yeah.
75
00:02:41,169 --> 00:02:43,337
You owe me $487.
76
00:02:43,905 --> 00:02:45,572
Come on, Winston!
77
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,108
Aah! Schmidt
makes me so mad!
78
00:02:48,176 --> 00:02:49,643
I want to put one thing,
79
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,211
one thing in the living room,
80
00:02:51,279 --> 00:02:52,446
and he won't let me.
81
00:02:52,514 --> 00:02:53,670
I'm not putting up with this.
82
00:02:53,698 --> 00:02:54,664
Oh, yes, you are.
83
00:02:54,731 --> 00:02:56,299
We live in a fragile ecosystem.
84
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:57,767
It's a delicate balance.
85
00:02:57,835 --> 00:02:59,269
It's a broken ecosystem,
86
00:02:59,337 --> 00:03:01,704
- dominated by an apex predator.
- Chill out, Jess.
87
00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:03,639
We let him run the house,
no big deal.
88
00:03:03,707 --> 00:03:06,209
The boy cooks and cleans--
and happily, I might add.
89
00:03:06,277 --> 00:03:07,710
Yeah, he probably
couldn't sleep last night
90
00:03:07,778 --> 00:03:09,812
'cause he was so excited
to clean up after us.
91
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,613
I know he's been
bad lately, but...
92
00:03:11,681 --> 00:03:13,182
Schmidt's an odd bird.
93
00:03:13,249 --> 00:03:14,549
He can't handle
it when things
94
00:03:14,617 --> 00:03:16,218
aren't clean and orderly.
95
00:03:16,286 --> 00:03:18,287
It's been that way
since the day he moved in.
96
00:03:18,855 --> 00:03:21,290
Welcome to your
new home, Schmidt.
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00:03:21,358 --> 00:03:23,025
Come on, play ball.
98
00:03:25,428 --> 00:03:27,128
(whooping, laughing)
99
00:03:27,446 --> 00:03:28,429
Coming home!
100
00:03:30,299 --> 00:03:32,500
(gagging)
101
00:03:34,269 --> 00:03:36,604
Well, I'm fed up with it.
102
00:03:36,671 --> 00:03:38,973
And he's got to
learn how to relax.
103
00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:40,608
And, Nick, why
do you have...
104
00:03:40,675 --> 00:03:42,175
cannons drawn
all over your back?
105
00:03:42,243 --> 00:03:43,210
Those aren't cannons, Jess.
106
00:03:43,277 --> 00:03:44,378
Long-stem mushrooms?
107
00:03:44,445 --> 00:03:45,912
- Nope.
- Oh, so that's...
108
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:47,580
not a mossy cave.
109
00:03:47,648 --> 00:03:48,482
Mm-mm.
110
00:03:48,549 --> 00:03:49,949
- Mmm, no.
- Probably not.
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00:03:50,018 --> 00:03:51,251
(door opens)
112
00:03:58,925 --> 00:04:00,026
What the...?
113
00:04:00,093 --> 00:04:02,128
What is happening...?
114
00:04:02,695 --> 00:04:03,662
I can't take this right now.
115
00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:05,931
What, do we live in a pawnshop?
116
00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:07,866
Hey, Schmidt.
117
00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:09,468
(chuckles): Hey,
Jess. What, uh...
118
00:04:10,236 --> 00:04:11,436
Where did all this come from?
119
00:04:11,604 --> 00:04:13,171
I found the afghan
underneath a Dumpster
120
00:04:13,172 --> 00:04:14,705
outside an animal shelter.
121
00:04:14,773 --> 00:04:17,208
And I found the lamp
underneath the afghan.
122
00:04:17,576 --> 00:04:19,110
I'm gonna assume that
these are your spices
123
00:04:19,178 --> 00:04:20,878
- jammed in here with my spices.
- Yep.
124
00:04:20,946 --> 00:04:23,081
I would really appreciate it
if your non-Tahitian vanilla
125
00:04:23,149 --> 00:04:24,815
was not touching
my Tahitian vanilla.
126
00:04:24,883 --> 00:04:26,984
Oh, Schmidt,
they're more than touching.
127
00:04:27,053 --> 00:04:29,120
(breathy voice): What's it like
living in the most populous isle
128
00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:30,820
in French Polynesia?
129
00:04:30,888 --> 00:04:33,524
(French accent): I could tell you, or...
I could show you.
130
00:04:33,591 --> 00:04:35,359
(breathy voice): Not
in front of the cloves.
131
00:04:35,427 --> 00:04:36,693
Where's my burr coffee grinder?
132
00:04:36,761 --> 00:04:38,529
Oh, you know, I
think it's in the hutch.
133
00:04:38,596 --> 00:04:40,297
You put it in the hutch?
134
00:04:40,365 --> 00:04:42,832
The... aah, this thing
was on the street.
135
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,634
It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt.
136
00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,335
I think it'll be okay.
137
00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:49,104
A top-of-the-line
conical burr coffee grinder.
138
00:04:49,172 --> 00:04:50,673
You know what that means?
It means it doesn't
139
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:53,309
smash up the beans like
some pedestrian blade grinder.
140
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,478
It actually
grinds them,
141
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:58,314
for a deeper, richer, more
satisfying flavor profile!
142
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:01,116
Oh. Well,
I've used it repeatedly
143
00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:02,551
to make homemade crayons.
144
00:05:02,918 --> 00:05:05,386
Does that show up in your
flavor profile, Schmidt?
145
00:05:05,554 --> 00:05:07,422
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
146
00:05:08,690 --> 00:05:10,057
If you're looking
for your oven mitts,
147
00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:11,159
they're in the top drawer
of the hutch.
148
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:13,061
(chuckles):
Oh. Okay, fair enough.
149
00:05:14,129 --> 00:05:14,829
Hutch is gone.
150
00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:15,797
- No.
- No, no, no.
151
00:05:15,864 --> 00:05:17,399
- No. - No hutch.
- No, no!
152
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:19,533
- Stop! Don't move the hutch.
- Bye-bye, hutch!
153
00:05:19,601 --> 00:05:20,801
This thing makes me
emotionally nauseous!
154
00:05:20,868 --> 00:05:22,703
This is my hutch.
Don't move it!
155
00:05:22,770 --> 00:05:23,704
All right, you're
right, you're right...
156
00:05:23,771 --> 00:05:25,239
I'm so sorry.
You're right.
157
00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:26,540
It's a beautiful piece.
158
00:05:26,908 --> 00:05:29,110
It looks great there.
159
00:05:29,877 --> 00:05:30,877
My apologies.
160
00:05:31,445 --> 00:05:32,413
Thank you.
161
00:05:40,153 --> 00:05:41,154
Oops.
162
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,763
Schmidt, you have
a real problem.
163
00:05:52,981 --> 00:05:55,100
You've got to learn
to calm down.
164
00:05:55,818 --> 00:05:57,002
Yeah, yeah.
165
00:06:02,499 --> 00:06:04,032
I love the beach.
166
00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:06,368
Now, isn't this better
than arguing about a hutch?
167
00:06:06,436 --> 00:06:09,771
Yeah, if you like hanging out on
the rim of a giant fish toilet.
168
00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,040
Jess, I can't believe you
brought me down here.
169
00:06:12,109 --> 00:06:14,943
This is a great place
to talk about your problems.
170
00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:17,002
Jess, this sucks--
I just want to go home.
171
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,580
Schmidt, come here.
172
00:06:19,148 --> 00:06:22,050
Look. You got the
birds in the sky.
173
00:06:24,586 --> 00:06:25,754
Sea and sand.
174
00:06:26,522 --> 00:06:28,256
The wind in our hair.
175
00:06:29,358 --> 00:06:30,357
(grunts)
176
00:06:30,358 --> 00:06:31,792
You've lost your kite!
177
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,194
Have fun flying your
string all day!
178
00:06:34,262 --> 00:06:35,929
Sorry I forgot my wallet.
179
00:06:35,997 --> 00:06:37,998
Thank you for paying;
It's delicious.
180
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,634
Yeah, which is weird, because
I clearly remember saying,
181
00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:41,435
"Hey, man, don't
forget your wallet."
182
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:43,370
- And then I still forgot it.
- You still forget it. Wow, it's weird.
183
00:06:43,371 --> 00:06:45,239
- Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.
- Yeah, I said that.
184
00:06:45,306 --> 00:06:46,940
Okay, this is a good segue.
185
00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:48,007
(sighs):
Um...
186
00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:49,975
can I talk to you
187
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:51,310
about something that's
kind of tough?
188
00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:53,007
(sighs)
189
00:06:53,008 --> 00:06:54,114
Yeah, man, shoot.
190
00:06:54,115 --> 00:06:57,783
"The subject of this talk is
the debt of money between us.
191
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,385
- I feel that..."
- Oh, man!
192
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,487
I thought this was
about something serious.
193
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,088
You set that up like it was
about something different.
194
00:07:03,157 --> 00:07:04,757
This is about the poker?
195
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:07,259
Oh, I'll pay you
your money. Relax.
196
00:07:11,046 --> 00:07:12,997
"If I am reading this section,
then I can only assume
197
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:14,266
"you have told me to relax.
198
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,701
- You wrote that?
- "Let me assure you I am very relaxed,
199
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,304
"although I have good
reason not to be,
200
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:20,672
"as you owe me
a very large sum."
201
00:07:20,739 --> 00:07:23,004
I will pay you the
money, you clown.
202
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:24,742
"I am aware that
we're both broke,
203
00:07:24,743 --> 00:07:27,779
"one of us embarrassingly
so. Points to Nick.
204
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,214
"I have recently tumbled down
the socioeconomic ladder
205
00:07:30,282 --> 00:07:31,149
"and have hit rock bottom,
206
00:07:31,216 --> 00:07:33,317
- "where you, Nick Miller,
- Thank you.
207
00:07:33,318 --> 00:07:35,686
"Have been waiting patiently
for the past 15 years.
208
00:07:35,753 --> 00:07:37,003
"But I want that money.
209
00:07:37,004 --> 00:07:39,322
"Give me my money.
I really mean it.
210
00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:41,891
"It's my money.
You owe me that money,
211
00:07:41,958 --> 00:07:44,060
"so give me my
money. Seriously.
212
00:07:44,127 --> 00:07:45,361
- Are you finished?
- "Where is the money, dude?
213
00:07:45,429 --> 00:07:48,097
- You wrote "dude"?
- "But I am not without pity.
214
00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:50,667
I am willing to just
call it an even $200."
215
00:07:52,203 --> 00:07:54,336
Everything let go
with just $200?
216
00:07:54,404 --> 00:07:57,306
- Right.
- All right, I can do $200.
217
00:07:57,873 --> 00:07:59,941
- $200? Two hundo clean?
- Yep.
218
00:08:00,509 --> 00:08:01,509
All right.
219
00:08:07,149 --> 00:08:09,283
I did pay for gas here, though.
220
00:08:09,351 --> 00:08:10,984
So that's, let's say, ten bucks.
221
00:08:11,552 --> 00:08:12,453
So we're at $190.
222
00:08:12,521 --> 00:08:14,788
We'll say clean $190.
223
00:08:15,256 --> 00:08:16,990
I hate to be this guy...
224
00:08:17,358 --> 00:08:19,059
but I got the fights on Friday,
225
00:08:19,127 --> 00:08:21,095
so that's $30.
So let's call it $160
226
00:08:21,162 --> 00:08:23,163
and be done with it.
227
00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:27,768
$20 for beer that night,
so $160 takes us to $140.
228
00:08:27,836 --> 00:08:29,336
Just to be fair.
229
00:08:29,404 --> 00:08:31,438
And I didn't write
a stupid letter about it.
230
00:08:31,505 --> 00:08:32,972
But let's say right now $140.
231
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,007
You ate a lot of the nachos!
232
00:08:36,277 --> 00:08:39,046
Littering!
$15 for littering!
233
00:08:39,914 --> 00:08:42,081
♪ What a way to live... ♪
234
00:08:42,149 --> 00:08:43,783
How fun is this!
235
00:08:45,251 --> 00:08:46,753
It's not my cup of tea.
236
00:08:47,021 --> 00:08:49,555
♪ Don't you know that life ♪
237
00:08:49,623 --> 00:08:52,691
♪ Don't wait for death? ♪
238
00:08:54,527 --> 00:08:56,895
♪ Choo-choo ♪
239
00:08:56,963 --> 00:08:58,329
(whistle blows)
(screams)
240
00:08:58,397 --> 00:08:59,164
No!
241
00:08:59,231 --> 00:09:00,698
No! No, Jess, no!
242
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:03,801
I can't believe I never noticed
this before, but, Schmidt,
243
00:09:03,869 --> 00:09:05,936
you are legitimately crazy.
244
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,705
I think we're all a little bit
crazy, don't you think, Jess?
245
00:09:07,774 --> 00:09:11,509
No, I mean, you're like aging-
ballerina, child-chess-prodigy,
246
00:09:11,577 --> 00:09:13,277
professional-magician crazy.
247
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:16,480
It's my mom's fault-- you know,
I come from a Jewish family,
248
00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:19,483
but she used to tell me the reason
Santa didn't come to our house
249
00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:21,017
was because my
room was dirty.
250
00:09:21,085 --> 00:09:23,019
The only thing I ever
controlled was what I ate.
251
00:09:23,087 --> 00:09:25,555
- That's why I got fat.
- Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat
252
00:09:25,623 --> 00:09:28,425
Concord grape jelly from the jar
using a candy bar as a fork.
253
00:09:28,493 --> 00:09:30,593
It's because you didn't
have any structure.
254
00:09:30,661 --> 00:09:32,628
You know what I mean?
That's what happens
255
00:09:32,696 --> 00:09:33,663
when you don't
have any rules.
256
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,899
None of these people have rules.
Especially that guy.
257
00:09:36,966 --> 00:09:38,701
He's wearing ladies'
bikini bottoms.
258
00:09:38,769 --> 00:09:41,036
SCHMIDT: Jess, I'm not
like these people, okay?
259
00:09:41,104 --> 00:09:44,540
I don't have dreadlocks.
I don't own a snake.
260
00:09:44,608 --> 00:09:46,441
And I don't understand how these
people think that they're relaxed,
261
00:09:46,509 --> 00:09:48,776
because they're not-- they
just have nothing to do.
262
00:09:48,794 --> 00:09:51,180
That's not me.
It's not that easy for me.
263
00:09:51,247 --> 00:09:53,815
Sounds to me like a lot
of excuses, Schmidt.
264
00:09:53,882 --> 00:09:55,784
Just be spontaneous.
265
00:09:59,021 --> 00:10:01,622
(rhythmic percussion playing)
266
00:10:28,681 --> 00:10:29,849
Hey, Nick.
267
00:10:30,217 --> 00:10:31,984
Look, man, I'm sorry to bother
you while you're clearly
268
00:10:31,985 --> 00:10:33,819
sitting here working hard
making lots of money.
269
00:10:33,887 --> 00:10:36,388
- All right. - But if you'd kindly
just pause that for one second,
270
00:10:36,456 --> 00:10:38,623
I have a few accounts
that I'd like to settle.
271
00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:40,459
Account number one:
272
00:10:40,526 --> 00:10:43,428
A $15 receipt for a
Chinatown box turtle.
273
00:10:43,496 --> 00:10:45,764
- Bam. Here we go.
- We're doing this, huh?
274
00:10:45,832 --> 00:10:48,166
- Yeah, we are doing this. - Great
- Item number two:
275
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:52,069
Cancelled $35 check for
registration of a domain name--
276
00:10:52,136 --> 00:10:53,671
"It's Nick Miller Time.com."
277
00:10:53,739 --> 00:10:56,000
"Hey, guys, Winston,
I got a good idea, man.
278
00:10:56,001 --> 00:10:57,041
I'm gonna be a
big-time blogger."
279
00:10:57,109 --> 00:10:58,709
- I have to go to work...
- Uh-huh.
280
00:10:58,777 --> 00:11:01,579
...At a bar, where
you drink for free.
281
00:11:01,646 --> 00:11:02,883
- Wow.
- How much does four
282
00:11:02,884 --> 00:11:05,215
hundred cognac and colas
add up to, Winston?
283
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:06,116
- You want to go there?
- Yeah.
284
00:11:06,117 --> 00:11:07,518
Okay. How about all the
times I sat around
285
00:11:07,519 --> 00:11:09,052
listening to you
bitch and moan
286
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,521
about how Caroline broke
your precious little heart?
287
00:11:11,589 --> 00:11:14,123
- Okay, in eighth grade...
- Eighth grade.
288
00:11:14,191 --> 00:11:16,726
- ...You "accidentally" saw
my mom naked. - Mm-hmm.
289
00:11:16,794 --> 00:11:19,862
Before she stopped exercising
and let herself get chubby.
290
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:21,130
- (laughs)
- Okay?
291
00:11:21,131 --> 00:11:22,498
So how much is that,
in terms of money?
292
00:11:22,565 --> 00:11:24,033
'Cause I haven't
gotten over that.
293
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:26,902
- And I would say four to $5,000.
- Hey, guys. Hey, guys.
294
00:11:26,969 --> 00:11:29,305
Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked
in eighth grade; in terms of mon--
295
00:11:29,306 --> 00:11:32,207
I waded into the ocean
without my aqua socks.
296
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,341
JESS:
Mm, he did.
297
00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:34,476
He let go.
298
00:11:34,544 --> 00:11:36,512
(drumming, chanting)
299
00:11:39,081 --> 00:11:41,315
He washed his hands
in a public restroom.
300
00:11:41,383 --> 00:11:42,883
And there was a man in there.
301
00:11:42,951 --> 00:11:45,520
And he was using the toilet,
full sit, no door.
302
00:11:45,588 --> 00:11:46,887
And I didn't break
eye contact.
303
00:11:47,055 --> 00:11:47,688
Not once.
304
00:11:47,756 --> 00:11:50,224
That's not letting go,
that's cruising.
305
00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:52,728
Hey, Schmidt.
306
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,495
- There's a spill.
- I know.
307
00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:57,197
Do your exercise. You know.
308
00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:59,599
Yeah, okay, the exercise.
309
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:01,435
(clears throat)
310
00:12:01,502 --> 00:12:06,206
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
311
00:12:07,909 --> 00:12:09,209
I feel great.
312
00:12:09,277 --> 00:12:11,004
I'm gonna go take a shower
with Nick's bar soap,
313
00:12:11,005 --> 00:12:12,479
like a common ranch hand.
314
00:12:13,547 --> 00:12:16,782
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on?
315
00:12:17,050 --> 00:12:18,351
You messed with the ecosystem.
316
00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:20,086
And you guys said
it couldn't be done.
317
00:12:20,154 --> 00:12:22,055
You have no idea
what you're getting into.
318
00:12:22,123 --> 00:12:23,623
You're welcome.
319
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,784
JESS: Schmidt, you're killing
with me with that drumming!
320
00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:32,486
(rhythmic drumming, Jess moans)
JESS: You're killing me!
321
00:12:32,487 --> 00:12:35,321
Look at this mess.
How did this happen?
322
00:12:35,390 --> 00:12:36,790
So, this is your fault.
323
00:12:36,858 --> 00:12:38,625
No. No.
324
00:12:38,693 --> 00:12:40,059
This is good for Schmidt.
325
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,828
'Cause you guys have been
taking advantage of him
326
00:12:41,896 --> 00:12:43,296
for years.
327
00:12:43,364 --> 00:12:45,030
You make him cook,
you make him clean...
328
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,665
Where's my money, dude?
329
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:49,234
Frankly, it's... sexist.
330
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,003
Oh, my God. Ew!
331
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:52,271
How's it sexist?
332
00:12:53,088 --> 00:12:54,039
Who's cleaning up?
333
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,275
- I cleaned this morning.
- All right, fine.
334
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,343
- I'll clean, you guys go to the store.
- Act like an adult.
335
00:12:58,412 --> 00:12:59,677
BOTH: I'm not going
to the store with him.
336
00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:02,580
- Where's my money, dude...?
- Stop throwing things at each other.
337
00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,982
JESS: Oh, come on.
WINSTON: Where is the money?
338
00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:06,183
You're a child.
339
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:07,652
...My car, too, while you...
340
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,787
SCHMIDT:
Silence, friends!
341
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,388
I made you necklaces.
342
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,390
Hey, do you want
to go to the store?
343
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,492
Please, God, yes.
344
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,561
$100? How did Schmidt buy all
these groceries with 100 bucks?
345
00:13:17,629 --> 00:13:19,329
- It's only $100?
- $100.
346
00:13:19,397 --> 00:13:21,004
You should've told... we have
way too much stuff, man.
347
00:13:21,005 --> 00:13:23,166
- Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.
- We don't need a baked ham.
348
00:13:23,234 --> 00:13:24,568
- All right.
- Winston?
349
00:13:25,386 --> 00:13:26,369
- Sorry about that.
- Really? Really?
350
00:13:27,138 --> 00:13:28,171
Two cake mixes?
351
00:13:28,239 --> 00:13:30,307
- Really? All these soups?
- Pizza? Frozen pizza?
352
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,874
You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die?
Shut up, dude.
353
00:13:31,942 --> 00:13:33,843
We have enough ketchup.
We have enough ketchup! Come on, really?
354
00:13:33,911 --> 00:13:35,311
Next, please.
355
00:13:35,378 --> 00:13:36,512
Oh, hey, how you doing, sir?
356
00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:38,247
We only have $100, Gary,
357
00:13:38,315 --> 00:13:40,349
so could you stop checking us
out when we hit $100?
358
00:13:40,417 --> 00:13:41,884
Yeah, you got to
include tax, too,
359
00:13:41,952 --> 00:13:43,986
- so, like, $93, just... Cool?
- Yeah, just that'll do.
360
00:13:44,054 --> 00:13:45,087
Okay, guys.
361
00:13:45,155 --> 00:13:47,022
- Thanks. - I'm gonna put
my stuff at the front,
362
00:13:47,090 --> 00:13:49,524
- 'cause you obviously don't know how
to shop. - You're being ridiculous.
363
00:13:49,592 --> 00:13:51,426
- Are you getting me?
- We have enough ketchup.
364
00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:52,394
(chuckling)
365
00:13:52,494 --> 00:13:53,394
Epsom salt?
366
00:13:53,463 --> 00:13:55,129
- Yeah, okay. - What, are you
too good for regular salt?
367
00:13:55,197 --> 00:13:56,965
You know damn well
I got to soak my trick foot.
368
00:13:57,032 --> 00:13:58,934
Oh, Winnie, your
little trick foot.
369
00:13:59,001 --> 00:14:00,969
Yeah, my trick foot,
and don't ever call me Winnie.
370
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:02,403
- Aw, Winnie...
- Fine.
371
00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:03,938
You don't owe me anything.
372
00:14:04,005 --> 00:14:05,539
The slate is clean.
We're good, we're even.
373
00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:06,907
Oh, good, that's
how I feel, too.
374
00:14:06,975 --> 00:14:09,643
Because in my mind, your mom
will always be the winner
375
00:14:09,711 --> 00:14:11,812
- of Best Boobs.
- Really, Best Boobs?
376
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,547
- Yeah. Master's Division.
- You're gonna talk about my mother?
377
00:14:13,615 --> 00:14:14,882
You're gonna talk
about my mom's boobs?
378
00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:16,049
Is that...
you gonna go there?
379
00:14:16,117 --> 00:14:17,351
Don't push me
in a supermarket, man.
380
00:14:17,918 --> 00:14:19,186
You started this.
381
00:14:21,253 --> 00:14:22,789
- Did you just slap me in the face?
- No, I did not.
382
00:14:22,857 --> 00:14:24,591
I don't know what
you're talking about.
383
00:14:28,829 --> 00:14:30,497
I'm not afraid of you, man.
384
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:33,833
Don't act your...
385
00:14:35,702 --> 00:14:38,504
(grunting)
386
00:14:39,071 --> 00:14:40,138
NICK:
Grow up, dude!
387
00:14:40,206 --> 00:14:42,374
(singing to himself)
388
00:14:42,441 --> 00:14:44,342
Hey, Schmidt.
389
00:14:44,410 --> 00:14:46,111
Oh, hello, Jess.
390
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:47,546
- Hey.
- What are you doing out here?
391
00:14:47,614 --> 00:14:51,049
Oh, just checking
up on you.
392
00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:52,917
Oh, I see you're
eating street meat
393
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:54,451
wrapped in street meat.
394
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,488
This is my man, Gordon.
395
00:14:56,555 --> 00:14:59,056
You've outdone yourself
once again, Gordon.
396
00:14:59,124 --> 00:15:00,491
Excellent.
397
00:15:00,559 --> 00:15:02,059
- Did you go to work today?
- No, no. No work.
398
00:15:02,427 --> 00:15:03,661
I haven't been there in a while.
399
00:15:03,729 --> 00:15:05,763
- How long is a while?
- I don't know. Three days?
400
00:15:05,831 --> 00:15:09,566
Schmidt, I made a mistake
in bringing you down here.
401
00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:12,135
I shouldn't have done that.
402
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,503
Please come home.
403
00:15:13,771 --> 00:15:14,938
Why?
404
00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:16,840
So I can cook and clean?
405
00:15:16,908 --> 00:15:19,342
So I can show you
where the vacuum is?
406
00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:21,611
WOMAN: All right.
(drumming starts)
407
00:15:21,679 --> 00:15:24,179
Okay, fine, I don't know
where the vacuum is.
408
00:15:24,547 --> 00:15:26,215
That is one reason
why I came here,
409
00:15:26,732 --> 00:15:28,583
but I really want
you to come home.
410
00:15:28,651 --> 00:15:31,353
Everything's falling apart
without you.
411
00:15:31,421 --> 00:15:34,423
Nick and Winston
are fighting all the time.
412
00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:37,259
And all of us lost our keys
to the mailbox.
413
00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:40,001
Schmidt, just listen
to me, because you
414
00:15:40,029 --> 00:15:42,363
don't belong here, like, really.
415
00:15:42,431 --> 00:15:43,431
Do you remember when you
416
00:15:43,498 --> 00:15:45,933
got yourself off
to An Inconvenient Truth?
417
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,734
How about when
you dress up
418
00:15:47,802 --> 00:15:51,105
like Shia Labeouf from
Wall Street Two for Halloween?
419
00:15:51,473 --> 00:15:52,774
Do you remember
when you said
420
00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:56,043
jazz music was America's
greatest mistake?
421
00:15:56,110 --> 00:15:58,478
Say it in drums, Jessica Day.
422
00:15:58,546 --> 00:16:00,281
Me hablo drums.
423
00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:04,184
Hey, man.
424
00:16:04,185 --> 00:16:05,852
I got the last frozen thing.
425
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,122
I was gonna ice my wrist, but...
426
00:16:09,690 --> 00:16:11,157
How about this?
427
00:16:11,525 --> 00:16:12,692
Take half, pal.
428
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,293
So kind of you.
429
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:15,761
(chuckling)
430
00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:17,897
That hurts, man.
(sighs)
431
00:16:19,699 --> 00:16:21,100
I am so hungry.
432
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,735
Remember those things that
Schmidt used to make us
433
00:16:22,803 --> 00:16:25,705
with the peanut butter
and the raisins on the celery?
434
00:16:26,272 --> 00:16:27,206
What were those called?
435
00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:28,106
Ants on a log.
436
00:16:28,173 --> 00:16:29,774
Ants on a log.
437
00:16:29,842 --> 00:16:31,977
I just got why they're called
ants on a log.
438
00:16:32,794 --> 00:16:34,145
Looks like ants on a log.
439
00:16:34,713 --> 00:16:35,947
(door closes)
I'm hungry, man.
440
00:16:36,015 --> 00:16:37,849
Hey, Schmidt,
is that you, buddy?
441
00:16:38,217 --> 00:16:40,018
No, it's me.
442
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:41,385
What the hell happened to you?
443
00:16:41,453 --> 00:16:42,654
I went down to the beach,
444
00:16:42,722 --> 00:16:44,622
and I tried to talk to Schmidt,
445
00:16:44,689 --> 00:16:46,490
but he just ignored me,
446
00:16:46,557 --> 00:16:48,759
and he went back to twirling
his fire baton.
447
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:51,194
He's really bad;
He burned a lot of people.
448
00:16:51,262 --> 00:16:53,597
I feel like they should let you
twirl it around a few times
449
00:16:53,665 --> 00:16:55,365
before they actually
light it on fire.
450
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:56,867
Well, look, Jess,
being friends with Schmidt
451
00:16:56,935 --> 00:16:58,902
is really complicated.
452
00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:00,103
'Cause you want
to change him
453
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,871
so badly,
454
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:04,807
but you can't
'cause he'll just get worse.
455
00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:08,477
You guys were right,
I upset the ecosystem.
456
00:17:09,045 --> 00:17:10,847
(sniffles)
This is not what I wanted.
457
00:17:11,414 --> 00:17:14,283
I just wanted
to put my hutch here.
458
00:17:14,351 --> 00:17:16,852
Make the place my own,
be a part of the family.
459
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,353
What family?
With these clowns?
460
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:20,623
Yeah, you clowns.
461
00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:22,290
Well, look,
you want in, you're in.
462
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:25,127
Congratulations,
welcome to the family, Jess.
463
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:26,094
Aww.
464
00:17:26,163 --> 00:17:28,530
Yeah, we don't "aww"
in this family.
465
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:30,365
(door unlocking)
466
00:17:30,432 --> 00:17:32,867
(mumbling)
467
00:17:37,471 --> 00:17:38,104
Hey, guys.
468
00:17:38,173 --> 00:17:38,973
Hey, Schmidt.
469
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,008
Um, we need to talk.
470
00:17:43,644 --> 00:17:45,179
Something not cool?
471
00:17:49,362 --> 00:17:50,796
Schmidt, we miss you.
472
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,463
You just want me to clean.
473
00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:54,032
No, that's not true.
474
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,299
- Well, it's a little bit true.
- There's truth to that.
475
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:56,766
Okay, look.
I want you to clean.
476
00:17:56,835 --> 00:17:58,768
Look, we're so proud of you
477
00:17:58,837 --> 00:18:00,470
for letting go, and relaxing.
478
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,872
But this isn't like you.
479
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:05,441
You can run away
from your problems, but
480
00:18:05,508 --> 00:18:07,576
you're just gonna find
new ones that pop up
481
00:18:07,644 --> 00:18:08,978
like hepatitis.
482
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,779
And Nick and Winston
483
00:18:10,848 --> 00:18:13,716
want to say to you
that they really miss you.
484
00:18:13,783 --> 00:18:14,851
You're freaking
me out, man.
485
00:18:14,918 --> 00:18:16,652
Why are you wearing
that crystal around your neck?
486
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,686
Nick, the crystal
symbolizes energy.
487
00:18:18,754 --> 00:18:20,889
All a crystal is
is rock poo, Schmidt.
488
00:18:20,957 --> 00:18:22,657
Look, I need
you, Schmidt.
489
00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:26,561
Okay, I need you to tell me
what pants not to wear
490
00:18:26,628 --> 00:18:28,696
and to exercise
more often.
491
00:18:28,764 --> 00:18:30,198
I need you to make fun
of me when I call
492
00:18:30,266 --> 00:18:32,567
a panini a hot sandwich;
How am I ever gonna learn?
493
00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:33,601
WINSTON:
I even miss
494
00:18:33,669 --> 00:18:34,768
your hair chutney.
495
00:18:34,836 --> 00:18:37,004
Without you,
man, we're just
496
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,839
three idiots
who live together.
497
00:18:40,007 --> 00:18:41,004
(sighs)
498
00:18:41,041 --> 00:18:42,409
You make us a family.
499
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,814
(chuckling) Well, I'm the cool
rebel brother.
500
00:18:47,883 --> 00:18:49,283
- You're the mom. - The mother. - Mom.
501
00:18:49,351 --> 00:18:50,750
NICK: Look, Schmidt,
if you come back
502
00:18:50,817 --> 00:18:54,287
to us, I'll let you
clean my room.
503
00:18:55,655 --> 00:18:57,290
The white whale?
504
00:18:57,358 --> 00:19:00,226
Think about how many
dust bunnies are under my bed.
505
00:19:00,594 --> 00:19:01,660
How many stray socks.
506
00:19:01,928 --> 00:19:02,896
JESS:
Hey, Schmidt,
507
00:19:03,463 --> 00:19:04,663
I got you something.
508
00:19:04,731 --> 00:19:06,464
Is that a boutique box?
509
00:19:06,532 --> 00:19:11,270
A pair of gray, shiny, twill,
flat-front trousers
510
00:19:12,037 --> 00:19:14,373
designed by a man named Calvin.
511
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:16,442
Never been tried on.
512
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:18,643
Pockets are sewn shut.
513
00:19:18,711 --> 00:19:20,812
Don't you just want to get
your thumbs in there
514
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,846
and rip?
515
00:19:23,715 --> 00:19:25,216
Okay, so, I'm just
gonna leave this
516
00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:26,550
on your bongo drum,
517
00:19:27,368 --> 00:19:29,486
and you can, you know,
518
00:19:29,554 --> 00:19:31,822
give them a whirl
if you feel like it.
519
00:19:36,395 --> 00:19:38,262
Just make the
right decision.
520
00:19:39,330 --> 00:19:40,663
(whispering)
Come home.
521
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,800
Take the pants.
522
00:19:46,703 --> 00:19:48,939
(clears throat)
523
00:19:51,508 --> 00:19:52,576
(sighs)
524
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:53,976
Oh, come here.
525
00:19:58,248 --> 00:19:59,915
(sighs)
526
00:20:00,983 --> 00:20:02,651
(chuckling)
Calvin.
527
00:20:02,718 --> 00:20:05,321
You magnificent wizard.
528
00:20:05,388 --> 00:20:07,589
(water running,
dishes clattering)
529
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,796
Scmidtty.
530
00:20:17,264 --> 00:20:18,887
Nick, your hair
is doing that thing
531
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,101
that I just... I just hate.
532
00:20:20,669 --> 00:20:22,270
And Jess, can you please
ask Winston to help you
533
00:20:22,338 --> 00:20:24,105
move the furniture out?
He could use the exercise.
534
00:20:24,173 --> 00:20:26,340
You're looking a little,
you know... (sputters)
535
00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:28,307
- He's back.
- And Nick, Winston,
536
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:29,409
we have a urinal.
537
00:20:29,477 --> 00:20:31,144
How are you still missing?
538
00:20:31,712 --> 00:20:32,779
(door closes)
CECE: Schmidt?
539
00:20:33,347 --> 00:20:34,581
Schmidt, wake up.
540
00:20:34,648 --> 00:20:36,583
Hey, hey.
541
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:37,985
Hey.
542
00:20:38,052 --> 00:20:38,986
Hey!
543
00:20:39,053 --> 00:20:40,753
(both screaming)
544
00:20:41,621 --> 00:20:42,788
What...
545
00:20:42,856 --> 00:20:44,256
are you doing here?
546
00:20:44,324 --> 00:20:45,758
What do you think
I'm doing here? Come on!
547
00:20:49,062 --> 00:20:50,964
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
548
00:20:51,531 --> 00:20:52,198
Cece,
549
00:20:52,265 --> 00:20:53,766
before we continue,
550
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:56,302
I clearly have no control
in this relationship,
551
00:20:56,370 --> 00:20:59,571
and... I'm fine with it.
552
00:20:59,639 --> 00:21:01,507
- Good.
- But know this,
553
00:21:01,574 --> 00:21:03,409
you're the one who broke
into this apartment at 3:00 a.m.
554
00:21:03,410 --> 00:21:04,576
for a little bit
of this Schmidt, so
555
00:21:04,644 --> 00:21:06,778
who's really in control?
556
00:21:06,846 --> 00:21:07,980
Shut up!
557
00:21:10,483 --> 00:21:12,017
(sighing)
558
00:21:14,653 --> 00:21:16,654
Wait, oh, are you
sleeping in dress pants?
559
00:21:16,722 --> 00:21:18,255
What? They're slacks.
560
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:20,525
- What's the big deal?
Calm down. - Oh...
561
00:21:21,992 --> 00:21:24,194
SCHMIDT: Look how excited
Hector J. is to see you.
562
00:21:24,262 --> 00:21:25,896
CECE: Yeah, I've already
met Hector J., so...
563
00:21:25,963 --> 00:21:28,331
- Ooh, look, he's knighting you.
- Oh, no, please stop knighting me.
564
00:21:28,332 --> 00:21:29,033
- Don't...
- Lady Cecelia...
565
00:21:29,034 --> 00:21:29,967
No, Schmidt,
I'm gonna leave.
566
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:32,036
You have entered the
order of the round table.
567
00:21:32,103 --> 00:21:33,837
I'm getting my bag, okay,
I'm gonna get my...
568
00:21:33,905 --> 00:21:35,972
- Oh, I want to stay.
- Dame Nasty Cece.
569
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:41,875
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