Here? You're dropping me off here?
Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? Look at the size of that guy.
He's clearly new homeless.
We're a mile away from the loft, Cece.
- I'm not getting caught with you. - I'm gonna have to run home.
And I have my slippiest loafers on.
Get walking right now. You're never gonna get home before dawn.
Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us.
But you cannot just call me at any time...
and just summon me for intercourse.
I have no control here and I'm stressed out all day long. It's like you're ripping...
the side block out of my mental Jenga.
I'm totally falling apart.
Okay, Schmidt, you... You really need to learn to take a breath...
and calm down, all right?
We're just being a little spontaneous.
Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt:
"Spontaneous, flexible, easy-going."
- I'm like a Marine. - Nothing like a Marine.
I'm totally like a Marine. All right, you know what? Fine. I'm out of here.
Take these, and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot...
but I can't cure damaged suede.
You believe I found this on the street?
- Who would want to throw this away? - A blind man who recovered his sight?
Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft.
- The wood of poor people and outhouses. - I pay rent.
So I think that gives me the right to add a few things.
Jess, you are wrong. Okay? My answer is no.
Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.
I had a bad night. I'm just asking you, please don't push me.
I'll reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.
- You would not dare. - Try me.
That was the worst four weeks of my life.
Hey, girl
What you doing?
Hey, girl
Where you going?
- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?
It's Jess
Winston, why are you still drinking? It is 10 in the morning.
Why is there no girl version of you, my man?
Mm.
- Moving on. - So last night's poker game.
Got pretty intense.
What are you talking about? I was hammered last night.
I've never been more sober in my whole life.
I'll remember this as long as... I'm all in. Uno bitches.
Read them and weep.
- Straight flush. - Aw.
- What I owe you, 20 bucks? - Twenty bucks?
- Yeah. - You owe me $487.
Come on, Winston.
Gosh! Schmidt makes me so mad!
I want to put one thing, one thing in the living room, and he won't let me.
- I'm not putting up with it. - Yes, you are.
We live in a fragile ecosystem.
- It's a delicate balance. - It's a broken ecosystem.
- Dominated by an apex predator. - Chill out. We let him run the house.
No big deal. The boy cooks and cleans. And happily, I might add.
He probably couldn't sleep last night, he was so excited to clean up after us.
I know he's been bad lately...
but Schmidt's an odd bird. He can't handle it when things aren't clean and orderly.
It's been that way since the day he moved in.
Welcome to your new home, Schmidt.
Come on, play ball!
You see him rockin' that beat From across the street
Coming home!
Well, I'm fed up with it.
And he's gotta learn how to relax.
And, Nick, why do you have cannons drawn all over your back?
- Those aren't cannons, Jess. - Mushrooms?
- Nope. - Oh, so that's not a mossy cave?
- Mm-mm. - Probably not.
What the? What is happening?
I can't take this right now.
What, do we live in a pawn shop?
- Hey, Schmidt. - Hey, Jess.
What...? Where did all this come from?
I found the afghan underneath a dumpster outside an animal shelter.
And I found the lamp underneath the afghan.
I'm gonna assume that these are your spices jammed in here with my spices.
I'd appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla was not touching my Tahitian vanilla.
Oh, Schmidt. They're more than touching.
What's it like living in the most populous isle in French Polynesia?
I could tell you or I could show you.
- Not in front of the cloves. - Where's my burr coffee grinder?
Uh, I think it's in the hutch.
You put it in the hutch? Uh... This thing was on the street.
It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. I think it'll be okay.
A top-of-the-line, conical burr coffee grinder.
You know what that means? It doesn't smash up the beans like a blade grinder.
It actually grinds them for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile.
Oh.
Well, I've used it repeatedly to make homemade crayons.
Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt?
Yeah, that's fine.
If you're looking for your oven mitts they're in the top drawer of the hutch.
- Okay, fair enough. Hutch is gone. - No.
- No, no, no. No hutch. - No. No, no. Stop.
Bye, hutch. This makes me nauseous. - Don't move the hutch.
- This is my hutch, don't move it. - You're right, you're right. I'm so sorry.
You're right. It's a beautiful piece. It looks great there.
My apologies.
Thank you.
Shoot.
Schmidt, you have a real problem.
And you've gotta learn to calm down.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love the beach. Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch?
Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet.
Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here.
This is a great place to talk about your problems.
- Jess, this sucks. I just want to go home. - Schmidt, come here.
Look. We got the birds in the sky.
The sea and the sand.
The wind in our hair.
You lost your kite!
Have fun flying your string all day!
Sorry, I forgot my wallet. Thank you for paying, it's delicious.
Which is weird. I remember saying, "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet."
- I still forgot it. You said that. - You still forget it.
- We're getting older. - Okay, this is a good segue.
Can I talk to you about something that's kind of tough?
Yeah, man. Shoot.
"The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us.
- I feel that..." - Oh. Man!
I thought this was about something serious.
You set that up like it was different. This is about the poker?
I'll pay you your money. Relax.
"If I am reading this section, I can only assume you have told me to relax."
- You wrote that. - "Let me assure you...
I am relaxed, although, I have reason not to be...
as you owe me a very large sum." - I will pay you the money.
"I am aware that we're both broke.
One of us, embarrassingly so. Points to Nick.
I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder, hit rock bottom...
where you, Nick Miller, have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years.
But I want that money. Give me my money.
I really mean it. It's my money.
You owe me that money, so give me my money, seriously."
- Finished? - "Where's the money, dude?"
- You wrote "dude"? - "But I am not without pity.
I am willing to just call it an even $200."
- Everything? Like the... With just $200? - Right.
All right, I can do 200.
- Two hundred dollars? Two hundo clean? - Yeah.
- All right. - Yeah.
I did pay for gas here, though.
So that's, let's say, 10 bucks.
So we're at 190. We'll say a clean 190.
I hate to be this guy.
But I got the fights on Friday, so that's 30.
So let's call it 160 and be done with it.
Twenty dollars for beer that night, so 160 takes us to 140. Just to be fair.
I didn't write a stupid letter about it. But let's say right now 140.
You ate a lot of the nachos!
Littering! Fifteen dollars for littering!
What a way to live a life
How fun is this?
It's not my cup of tea.
Don't you know that life don't wait for death?
No, no, no! Jess, no!
I can't believe I never noticed this before, but Schmidt, you are legitimately crazy.
We're all a little bit crazy, don't you think?
No, you're like aging-ballerina...
child-chess-prodigy, professional-magician crazy.
It's my mom's fault.
I come from a Jewish family...
but she told me Santa didn't come to our house because my room was dirty.
The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate, so I got fat.
I got fat because I ate Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork.
Because you didn't have any structure. Know what I mean?
It's what happens when you don't have any rules.
None of these people have rules.
Especially that guy. He's wearing ladies' bikini bottom.
Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? I don't have dreadlocks, I don't own a snake.
And I don't understand how they think they're relaxed, they have nothing to do.
- It's not me. It's not that easy for me. - Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt.
Just be spontaneous.
Hey, Nick.
Look, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly working hard, making money.
- All right. - Kindly pause that for one second...
I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle.
Account number one: A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle.
- Bam. Here we go. - We're doing this?
- Yeah, we are. - Great.
Item number two: Cancelled $35 check...
for registration of a domain name: LtsNickMillerTime. Com
"Hey, guys, I've got a good idea. I'm gonna be a blogger."
I have to go to work at a bar where you drink for free.
- Wow. - How much does 400...
cognac and colas add up to? - You wanna go there?
How about all the times I sat listening to you bitch about how...
Caroline broke your little heart? - Okay, in 8th grade, you "accidentally"...
saw my mom naked before she stopped exercising...
and let herself get chubby. Okay?
So how much is that in terms of money? I haven't gotten over that.
Now I'd say 4 to 5 thousand dollars.
Hey, guys. - Winston saw my mother naked in 8th grade.
- In terms of money... - I went in the ocean without my aqua socks.
- He did it. He let go. - I did it.
He washed his hands in a public restroom.
And there was a man in there using the toilet...
full sit, no door, and I didn't break eye contact, not once.
That's not letting go, that's cruising.
Hey, Schmidt.
- There's a spill. - I know.
Do your exercise. You know.
Yeah, okay, the exercise, yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
I feel great.
I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar of soap like a common ranch-hand.
- No, no, no. - What is going on?
- You messed with the ecosystem. - And you guys said it couldn't be done.
- You have no idea what you're getting into. - You're welcome.
Schmidt, you're killing me with that drumming! You're killing me!
Look at this mess. How did this happen?
So this is your fault.
No. No. This is good for Schmidt.
You guys have been taking advantage of him for years.
- You make him cook, make him clean. - Where is my money, dude?
Frankly, it's...
sexist. Oh, my God. Ew. - How is it sexist?
- Who's cleaning up? - I cleaned this morning.
All right, fine. I'll clean. You go to the store.
- I'm not going with him. - I'm not going.
Stop throwing things at each other. - Where's my money?
Come on. You're gonna get hurt.
- You're a child. - Silence, friends.
- I made you necklaces. - Hey, do you wanna go to the store?
Please, God, yes.
A hundred dollars? How does Schmidt buy groceries with 100 bucks?
- It's only $100? - A hundred.
We have way too much stuff.
- Yeah, you like shrimp cocktail. - We don't need a baked ham, Winston.
- Sorry about that. - Really? Really?
- Two cake mixes? All these soups? - Pizza? Frozen pizza, you fat-ass?
What do you wanna do, die?
We have enough ketchup.
Next, please.
Hey, how are you doing, sir? We only have $100, Gary.
So could you stop when we hit a hundred?
Yeah, you gotta include tax too, so like, 93, just... Pfft. Cool?
Okay, guys.
I'm gonna put my stuff at the front. You don't know how to shop.
- Ketchup. Are you kidding me? - We have enough ketchup.
Enjoy the ride. - Epsom salt?
- You're too good for regular salt? - I've gotta soak my trick foot.
Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot.
Yeah, my trick foot, and don't call me "Winnie."
Oh, Winnie.
Fine. You don't owe me anything. Slate is clean. We're even.
- Good, that's how I feel too. - In my mind, your mom...
will be the winner of best boobs.
- Really? Best boobs? - Yeah. Master's division.
You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs?
- You gonna go there? - Don't push me in a supermarket.
You started this.
Did you just slap me?
No, I did not. I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm not afraid of you, man.
Don't act so...
Grow up, dude!
Hey, Schmidt.
Oh, hello, Jess.
- Hey. - What are you doing out here?
Just checking up on you.
Oh, I see you're eating street meat wrapped in street meat.
This is my man, Gordon.
You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. Excellent.
- Did you go to work today? - No. No work.
- I haven't been there in a while. - How long?
Three days.
Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here.
I shouldn't have done that.
Please come home.
Why?
So I can cook and clean?
So I can show you where the vacuum is?
All right.
Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is.
That is one reason why I came here. But I really wanted you to come home.
Everything's falling apart without you.
Nick and Winston are fighting all the time...
and all of us lost our keys to the mailbox.
Schmidt, just listen to me because you don't belong here, like, really.
You remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth?
How about when you dressed up like Shia LeBeouf from Wall Street 2 for Halloween?
You remember when you said...
jazz music was America's greatest mistake?
Say it in drums, Jessica Day.
Mi hablo drums.
Hey, man, I got the last frozen thing.
I was gonna ice my wrist, but...
How about this?
Take half, pal.
So kind of you.
- That hurts, man. - Ahh.
I am so hungry. Remember those things Schmidt used to make us...
with the peanut butter...
and the raisins on the celery? What were those called?
- Ants on a log. - Ants on a log.
I just got why they're called ants on a log.
Looks like ants on a log. I'm hungry, man.
Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy?
No, it's me.
- What happened to you? - I went down to the beach.
And I tried to talk to Schmidt...
but he just ignored me and he went back to twirling his fire baton.
He's really bad. He burned a lot of people.
They should let you twirl it around a few times before they actually light it on fire.
Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt is really complicated.
Because you want to change him so badly, but you can't...
because he'll just get worse.
You guys were right. I upset the ecosystem.
This is not what I wanted.
I just wanted to put my hutch here.
Make the place my own. Be a part of the family.
- What family? With these clowns? - Yeah. You clowns.
Well, look, you want in? You're in. Congratulations.
Welcome to the family, Jess.
Aw.
We don't "aw" in this family.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Schmidt, um...
We need to talk.
Something not cool?
Schmidt, we miss you.
- You just want me to clean. - No, that's not true.
It's a little bit true.
- Okay, look. - I want you to clean.
We're so proud of you for letting go and relaxing...
but this isn't like you. You can run away from your problems...
but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up, like hepatitis.
And Nick and Winston...
want to say to you that they really miss you.
You're freaking me out. That crystal around your neck.
Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy.
All that crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt.
Look, I need you, Schmidt.
Okay? I need you to tell me what pants not to wear.
And to exercise more. I need you to make fun of me...
when I call a panini a hot sandwich. How am I ever gonna learn?
I even miss your hair chutney.
Without you, man, we're just three idiots who live together.
You make us a family.
Well, I'm the cool rebel brother.
- You're the mom. - The mother.
Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us...
I'll let you clean my room.
The white whale?
Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed, how many stray socks.
- Hey, Schmidt, I got you something. - Is that a boutique box?
A pair of grey, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers...
designed by a man named Calvin. Never been tried on.
Pockets are sewn shut.
Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there and rip?
Okay, so I'm just going to leave this on your bongo drum...
and you can, you know...
give them a whirl if you feel like it.
Just make the right decision.
Come on.
Take the pants.
Oh, come here.
Calvin.
You magnificent wizard.
Schmidty.
Nick, your hair is doing that thing that I just hate.
Jess, could you ask Winston to move the furniture? He could use exercise.
You're looking a little, you know...
- He's back. - And Nick, Winston...
we have a urinal, how are you still missing?
Schmidt. Schmidt. Wake up.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey.
- What... - Okay.
Are you doing here?
What do you think I'm doing here? Come on.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait. - What?
Cece, before we continue...
I clearly have no control in this relationship...
and I'm fine with it.
- Good. - But know this...
you're the one who broke in at 3 a.m. For a little bit of Schmidt...
so who's really in control? - Shut up.
Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants?
What, they're slacks. What's the big deal? Calm down.
- Look how excited Hector Jay is to see you. - Yeah, I've met Hector Jay.
- Look, he's knighting you. - Stop knighting me.
- Lady Cecilia. - Schmidt, I'm gonna leave.
You have entered the Order of the Round Table.
- Oh, I'm gonna stay. - Dame Nasty Cece.