1 00:00:00,557 --> 00:00:01,677 ♪ 2 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,840 Tracy, Jenna. 3 00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:05,124 We all know what happened 4 00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:07,457 when you hosted the St. Patrick's day parade 5 00:00:07,458 --> 00:00:08,393 three years ago. 6 00:00:08,535 --> 00:00:10,102 [Celtic music] 7 00:00:10,122 --> 00:00:11,256 Wake up, mother-[Bleep]. 8 00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:13,008 And when you hosted two years ago. 9 00:00:13,042 --> 00:00:14,542 Die, demon! 10 00:00:14,593 --> 00:00:16,327 Why didn't you ever call me back? 11 00:00:16,345 --> 00:00:18,563 Unfortunately, unless Harry's law 12 00:00:18,597 --> 00:00:20,048 really took off this week and no one told me, 13 00:00:20,082 --> 00:00:22,550 you two are the biggest stars at the network. 14 00:00:22,601 --> 00:00:24,552 But this year, everything you say 15 00:00:24,603 --> 00:00:26,337 will be scripted and on prompter. 16 00:00:26,355 --> 00:00:28,974 Do not deviate from the script. 17 00:00:29,008 --> 00:00:30,809 Jack, Tracy and I are total pros. 18 00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:32,060 On television, 19 00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:34,195 and when it comes to the assisted suicide debate. 20 00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:38,700 Secret handshake, my baloney. 21 00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:40,285 Hazel, I won't be here tomorrow, 22 00:00:40,319 --> 00:00:43,154 so... I wanted to give you this. 23 00:00:43,188 --> 00:00:45,040 It's the tail I had until I was 16. 24 00:00:45,074 --> 00:00:47,742 Well, don't worry about the parade. 25 00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:49,160 I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna 26 00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:51,046 like they're my own children. 27 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,213 Which is a bad example, 28 00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:56,301 because I left my kids at a sears in 2004. 29 00:00:56,335 --> 00:00:58,870 Oh, I told you about Mr. Jordan's allergies, right? 30 00:00:58,888 --> 00:01:00,088 Yes, Kenneth. 31 00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,556 He's only allergic to allergy medication. 32 00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:04,208 But he loves it. And Ms. Mulroney's... 33 00:01:04,226 --> 00:01:06,544 Kenneth, let go. This is my rodeo now. 34 00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:09,064 Well, not literally, of course. 35 00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:12,383 The U.S. Rodeo Association does not lift lifetime bans. 36 00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,856 So are you gonna work through St. Patrick's day? 37 00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:20,275 Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's great accomplishments, 38 00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:23,361 like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe? 39 00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:24,529 Wow, Lemon, so I take it 40 00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:25,914 you will not be wearing green tomorrow. 41 00:01:25,948 --> 00:01:27,615 I will be wearing head-to-toe orange, 44 00:01:33,139 --> 00:01:35,206 You in Orange? 45 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,624 You'll look like a creamsicle 46 00:01:36,675 --> 00:01:37,842 with an old tooth stuck in it. 47 00:01:37,877 --> 00:01:39,377 Well, you'll never see me, 48 00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:41,346 'cause I don't leave my house on St. Patrick's day. 49 00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:43,932 Criss and I are going to ride out hurricane shamrock 50 00:01:43,966 --> 00:01:46,250 holed up in my apartment, 51 00:01:46,268 --> 00:01:48,586 laughing at excerpts from Angela's ashes. 52 00:01:48,604 --> 00:01:50,555 You know, some people might find your attitude offensive. 53 00:01:50,589 --> 00:01:51,606 Oh, what are they going to do about it, 54 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,058 write a meandering play 55 00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:56,644 about how amazing the Irish are at not overcoming adversity? 56 00:01:56,695 --> 00:01:57,762 Well, I'm sorry we can't all belong 57 00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,764 to ethnic groups as beloved as the Germans. 58 00:01:59,782 --> 00:02:01,316 Please, without Germans, 59 00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:02,951 you wouldn't have any of the Indiana Jonesmovies. 60 00:02:02,985 --> 00:02:05,487 Lemon, your secret love of the Irish is well-documented. 61 00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:06,821 After all, I am your mentor, 62 00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:08,406 you dated Dennis Duffy, 63 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,274 and in the '90s, you gave money to the IRA. 64 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,293 I thought it was contributing to a retirement account. 65 00:02:12,328 --> 00:02:13,945 You know, I think someone needs to learn 66 00:02:13,963 --> 00:02:16,014 a St. Patrick's day lesson. 67 00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,501 [Speaking gaelic] 68 00:02:19,552 --> 00:02:22,153 What is that? A curse? 69 00:02:22,188 --> 00:02:23,354 Take it back, you witch! 70 00:02:23,389 --> 00:02:26,341 [Exciting jazz music] 71 00:02:26,392 --> 00:02:27,992 ♪ 72 00:02:35,515 --> 00:02:38,015 30 ROCK S06 Ep 12 - St. Patrick's Day 73 00:02:38,276 --> 00:02:41,776 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 74 00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:42,974 On Radio: This American life, 75 00:02:43,008 --> 00:02:45,360 Saturday, March 17th, St. Patrick's day. 76 00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:47,645 You know, everybody complains about the weather, 77 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,681 but today on the program, we meet somebody who actually... 78 00:02:49,715 --> 00:02:50,865 [Glass breaking] 79 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,951 Hey, what are you doing? Get out of my studio! 80 00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,120 [People cheering] Happy St. Patrick's day! 81 00:02:55,154 --> 00:02:56,871 Let go of me! 82 00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,290 Didn't you hear my show on bullying? 83 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,025 Hey, Criss, watch this. 84 00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:02,160 [Celtic music playing] 85 00:03:02,194 --> 00:03:04,879 Megan! Megan! 86 00:03:06,332 --> 00:03:08,633 Look at them spin around. They're so confused. 87 00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:10,502 - Awesome. - It's too many Megans, right? 88 00:03:10,536 --> 00:03:11,669 I love you. 89 00:03:11,703 --> 00:03:13,087 Uh huh. 90 00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:14,923 I just ordered thai food. How much do you love me now? 91 00:03:14,974 --> 00:03:16,024 [Knock at door] 92 00:03:16,058 --> 00:03:17,475 Man, they're fast. 93 00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:19,761 You know what, I can't wait till the asians take over. 94 00:03:19,812 --> 00:03:21,879 Thank God for delivery, keeping us inside 95 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,315 and safe from all the Irish nonsense. 96 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,316 Hey, dummy. 97 00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:27,552 The curse. 98 00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:29,254 What's up? I'm Dennis, 99 00:03:29,288 --> 00:03:32,407 - a former lover of Liz's. - Oh. 100 00:03:32,441 --> 00:03:34,492 I tried to steal beer from a Duane reade, 101 00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,578 and some black guy cold-cocked me. 102 00:03:36,612 --> 00:03:37,579 Ooh, like a security guard? 103 00:03:37,613 --> 00:03:38,863 I don't know, pal. 104 00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:42,951 I don't see people that way. 105 00:03:43,002 --> 00:03:44,335 [Groans] 106 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:45,837 No, no. No. 107 00:03:45,871 --> 00:03:48,573 Hey, before we go on, 108 00:03:48,591 --> 00:03:50,375 - do you want to pray together? - Yeah. 109 00:03:50,409 --> 00:03:52,877 - Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... - Oh, Great Kabbalah monster... 110 00:03:52,911 --> 00:03:55,380 NBC is showing the promo I worked on for the parade! 111 00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:56,548 I'm famous. 112 00:03:56,582 --> 00:03:59,384 And now back to NBC's live coverage 113 00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:01,119 of the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade, 114 00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:03,321 with hosts Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 115 00:04:03,355 --> 00:04:07,609 Oh, my God! They said my name first. 116 00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:09,027 But I'm more famous than you. 117 00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:13,147 Oh, this is probably some Hollywood prank, 118 00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:14,816 like on the set ocean's 12, 119 00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:17,035 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. 120 00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:18,620 I was not in the movie. 121 00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:20,538 Or maybe now that Kidz is a giant hit, 122 00:04:20,573 --> 00:04:22,323 I'm the one America wants to see. 123 00:04:22,374 --> 00:04:23,658 You better not be talking about 124 00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:25,210 my dear friend, America Ferrera. 125 00:04:25,244 --> 00:04:26,744 Get your stuff out of here, 126 00:04:26,778 --> 00:04:28,463 'cause I get the bigger dressing room now. 127 00:04:28,497 --> 00:04:29,914 I'll replace your lizard 128 00:04:29,948 --> 00:04:32,417 with a gay guy in a giant champagne bottle. 129 00:04:32,451 --> 00:04:33,751 Siri, kill Jenna! 130 00:04:33,785 --> 00:04:35,720 Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? 131 00:04:35,754 --> 00:04:37,755 I get second billing to this small-boobied grandma? 132 00:04:37,789 --> 00:04:40,925 No, you guys are friends, remember? "My baloney"? 133 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,428 The only baloney Tracy has is the baloney he's full of. 134 00:04:43,462 --> 00:04:45,313 [Crying] Why would you say that? 135 00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:46,898 You can't take that back. 136 00:04:46,932 --> 00:04:48,099 [Sobbing] 137 00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:51,102 Siri: I killed Jenna elfman. Is that right? 138 00:04:51,136 --> 00:04:52,403 Did you show them the promo? 139 00:04:52,438 --> 00:04:55,523 Hazel, we don't let them watch NBC. 140 00:04:55,574 --> 00:04:56,941 Jenna thinks that Christina Aguilera 141 00:04:56,975 --> 00:04:58,309 lost her voice during childbirth, 142 00:04:58,327 --> 00:04:59,577 and Tracy doesn't need to know 143 00:04:59,612 --> 00:05:00,978 that he just became number two around here. 144 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,830 That kind of mistake can ruin everything. 145 00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:05,483 I don't like the way you're talking to me. 146 00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:09,504 Why don't we drive to Sears? I'll buy you a toy. 147 00:05:14,627 --> 00:05:16,928 Excuse me. May I help you? 148 00:05:16,962 --> 00:05:18,680 What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. 149 00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:20,331 I'm Lutz. 150 00:05:20,349 --> 00:05:22,183 Frank, first of all, 151 00:05:22,217 --> 00:05:24,052 what are you doing here on a Saturday? 152 00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:26,287 None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's day 153 00:05:26,322 --> 00:05:29,107 because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch. 154 00:05:29,141 --> 00:05:30,725 So we're all hiding out here, 155 00:05:30,776 --> 00:05:32,777 playing Colonizers of Malaar. 156 00:05:32,811 --> 00:05:34,228 It's a strategy board game 157 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,447 from the makers Goblet quest and virginity keep. 158 00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:38,366 In Malaar, you build a kingdom 159 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,451 and battle for world domination. 160 00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:43,404 Right now, I'm just the Lord of the Karthian plains, 161 00:05:43,455 --> 00:05:45,073 but that means I control all the wheat! 162 00:05:45,124 --> 00:05:48,793 Huh. It's actually interesting. 163 00:05:48,827 --> 00:05:50,878 You have a monopoly on wheat. 164 00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,748 But what happens if you overproduce, flood the markets? 165 00:05:53,799 --> 00:05:55,083 Prices drop, your economy collapses. 166 00:05:55,134 --> 00:05:56,718 You've got to diversify, Frank. 167 00:05:56,752 --> 00:05:58,469 It's basic capitalism. 168 00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:00,004 What other resources do you have? 169 00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:01,673 Uh, unicorns? 170 00:06:01,707 --> 00:06:03,308 Can you breed and sell them? 171 00:06:03,342 --> 00:06:04,892 There's got to be a market for unicorns. 172 00:06:04,927 --> 00:06:08,396 If I've learned anything from reading Liddy's princess books, 173 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:10,598 unicorn hair has magical properties. 174 00:06:10,649 --> 00:06:11,649 You've got to know your product, Frank. 175 00:06:11,684 --> 00:06:13,267 That's awesome. 176 00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:14,569 Ah, it's nothing. 177 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,404 That kind of thinking is what I do for a living. 178 00:06:16,438 --> 00:06:18,756 At least, I used to. 179 00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,558 You just have to replace "Malaar" 180 00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:22,443 with "Fairfield, Connecticut," 181 00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:25,563 and "unicorn" with... 182 00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:30,251 "Project: Unicorn," a death Ray. 183 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:33,955 Hot dog truck, huh? I went entrepreneur, too. 184 00:06:34,006 --> 00:06:35,373 I got this new business 185 00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,508 where I burn your old DVDs onto laserdisc. 186 00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,210 Whoa, Dennis, 187 00:06:39,244 --> 00:06:41,012 I don't think you should be drinking with a head injury. 188 00:06:41,046 --> 00:06:42,180 [Laughing] 189 00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:43,965 That's a good Liz impression, Criss. 190 00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:46,134 She's a bummer. 191 00:06:46,185 --> 00:06:47,769 Well, 911 is still busy. 192 00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:50,688 What could be causing so many medical emergencies today? 193 00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:52,690 Oh, right, an Irish religious festival. 194 00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,359 Irish pride! Go, Celtics! 195 00:06:54,393 --> 00:06:55,860 Celtics suck. Go, Knicks! 196 00:06:55,894 --> 00:06:57,595 As soon as I get through, I'm getting you an ambulance, 197 00:06:57,613 --> 00:06:59,313 and you are out of here, Dennis. 198 00:06:59,365 --> 00:07:00,782 No, no, no, no, no. I can't get into an ambulance. 199 00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:02,817 I don't have health insurance because of Obama. 200 00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:04,986 Look, Liz, I don't think he needs to go to the hospital 201 00:07:05,037 --> 00:07:06,821 for a concussion. I was a volunteer EMT. 202 00:07:06,872 --> 00:07:08,956 At burning man, and we agreed never to talk about that. 203 00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:10,742 At sunset, the CACTI start to resemble 204 00:07:10,776 --> 00:07:12,160 people looking for hugs. 205 00:07:12,211 --> 00:07:13,628 It gets ugly, Liz. 206 00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:15,913 You know, there's some things I miss about being with you, 207 00:07:15,947 --> 00:07:17,965 like having somewhere to hook my SEGA up to, 208 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,133 but this constant judgment... 209 00:07:19,168 --> 00:07:21,252 Criss deserves better. 210 00:07:21,286 --> 00:07:22,754 Criss, may I speak to you alone for a minute? 211 00:07:22,788 --> 00:07:25,423 No. Anything you need to say to him, 212 00:07:25,457 --> 00:07:26,591 you can say in front of me. 213 00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,309 Me and Criss... 214 00:07:28,343 --> 00:07:30,912 - We're bang brothers. - Ugh. 215 00:07:34,574 --> 00:07:36,194 ♪ 216 00:07:37,106 --> 00:07:39,407 God, live TV's such a rush. 217 00:07:39,442 --> 00:07:40,992 It's like sex, 218 00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,662 but your husband isn't looking at a picture of a bridge. 219 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:47,115 Peter, can you explain this to me? 220 00:07:47,149 --> 00:07:49,251 Well, obviously I'm host number one. 221 00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:50,602 We all saw the promo. 222 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,755 Hazel, the script had Tracy and Jenna's names in it. 223 00:07:53,789 --> 00:07:54,739 Did you change that? 224 00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:55,957 Duh! 225 00:07:55,991 --> 00:07:58,126 After you PMS-ed about their names yesterday, 226 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,295 I thought numbers would make everyone happy. 227 00:08:00,329 --> 00:08:03,865 We're on in five, four, three... 228 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:08,470 Both: Welcome to the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade on NBC. 229 00:08:08,504 --> 00:08:10,805 They're both reading host number one. 230 00:08:10,839 --> 00:08:11,890 Would a third host help? 231 00:08:11,941 --> 00:08:13,475 I am S.A.G. eligible, 232 00:08:13,509 --> 00:08:16,394 but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me. 233 00:08:16,445 --> 00:08:18,113 Forget the parade, Hazel! 234 00:08:18,147 --> 00:08:19,898 For six years, we've been tricking them 235 00:08:19,949 --> 00:08:21,483 into thinking they're friends, 236 00:08:21,517 --> 00:08:22,984 and you've undone all that in a day. 237 00:08:23,018 --> 00:08:24,819 Both: I understand you have some interesting trivia 238 00:08:24,853 --> 00:08:26,922 about this year's parade. 239 00:08:26,956 --> 00:08:31,076 No way, that's amazing! 240 00:08:33,245 --> 00:08:35,997 No. I've moved on. 241 00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:39,033 Both: I couldn't agree more. 242 00:08:43,973 --> 00:08:45,090 I'm playing two timber 243 00:08:45,141 --> 00:08:46,591 and one brick to build a bridge 244 00:08:46,642 --> 00:08:49,728 and establish a trading post in Midgar. 245 00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:50,895 [Dice clatter] 246 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:51,896 That failed... 247 00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:54,866 And the Orcs raped everybody. 248 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:58,770 Okay, and I am offering Frank 500 gold coins 249 00:08:58,821 --> 00:09:00,655 for the neutral land between the Elf kingdoms. 250 00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,691 - I'll double it. - The price is now 3000. 251 00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:04,326 - I'll mortgage Theowyn castle. - I'll take out a loan. 252 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,111 Don't you see what you're doing? 253 00:09:06,162 --> 00:09:07,445 You're creating a real estate bubble, 254 00:09:07,496 --> 00:09:09,247 and the only person who'll benefit is sue, 255 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:10,749 who'll buy up all the neutral land 256 00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,117 for cents on the dollar. 257 00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:13,418 Thanks a lot, Klootzak. 258 00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:14,836 I don't come to where you work and slap the... 259 00:09:14,870 --> 00:09:17,372 It's basic macroeconomics, people. 260 00:09:17,406 --> 00:09:19,257 None of you is fit to be king of Malaar. 261 00:09:19,291 --> 00:09:22,877 And you would presume to wield the scepter of Thalbain? 262 00:09:22,911 --> 00:09:25,130 Yes. 263 00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:29,017 Yes, I would. 264 00:09:29,051 --> 00:09:30,185 Why are you being nice to him? 265 00:09:30,219 --> 00:09:31,586 What, you want me to be jealous? 266 00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:34,022 I'm not that guy. I'm this guy. 267 00:09:34,056 --> 00:09:35,190 No, you need to know something. 268 00:09:35,224 --> 00:09:36,591 Dennis Duffy is like the Terminator 269 00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,259 with cheaper sunglasses. 270 00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,694 He just keeps coming back, 271 00:09:39,729 --> 00:09:42,113 because his potato brain thinks he still has a chance with me. 272 00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,449 Hey, Liz, you'll be back. 273 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,034 If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. 274 00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:47,268 You'll be back. 275 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:49,070 - Never again! - You'll be back, Liz Lemon. 276 00:09:49,105 --> 00:09:50,572 You'll be back. 277 00:09:50,606 --> 00:09:52,440 I'm not kicking Dennis out of here in his condition. 278 00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:54,125 Guy with a concussion on St. Patrick's day 279 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,460 is like a horse with a broken leg. 280 00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,746 Exactly. We should shoot him. 281 00:09:57,780 --> 00:09:58,963 Don't you see what he's doing? 282 00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:01,166 He's already driving a wedge between us. 283 00:10:01,217 --> 00:10:04,669 Criss, get in here. There's a lez movie on showtime. 284 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,556 Um... 285 00:10:08,591 --> 00:10:11,559 [Dramatic music] 286 00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:15,430 ♪ 287 00:10:15,464 --> 00:10:18,466 [Indistinct chanting] 288 00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:22,020 [Dice rattling] 289 00:10:22,071 --> 00:10:23,438 Ugh, three again? 290 00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:27,425 And your yak... Has smallpox. 291 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,860 Rockefeller, no! 292 00:10:28,911 --> 00:10:30,111 [Cell phone ringing] 293 00:10:30,145 --> 00:10:31,262 What? 294 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,997 Dennis is here. 295 00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:35,383 Take back your curse. This isn't funny anymore. 296 00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,035 Oh, really? You're cursed? 297 00:10:37,086 --> 00:10:38,987 Try ruling over the desert wastelands of Kroth 298 00:10:39,021 --> 00:10:40,538 with no spell cards. 299 00:10:40,589 --> 00:10:43,508 Are you playing Volonizers of Lamar with the writers? 300 00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:46,594 Malaar, and this game is just dumb luck. 301 00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:49,047 I dug all these trenches to irrigate the desert... 302 00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:51,216 But no one's playing his rain ca... 303 00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,218 [Yelps] 304 00:10:53,269 --> 00:10:55,937 I'm trapped in a barren wasteland, 305 00:10:55,971 --> 00:10:58,440 and no matter what I do, I can't get out. 306 00:10:58,474 --> 00:10:59,441 Wait. 307 00:10:59,475 --> 00:11:00,842 [Hangs up phone] 308 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,528 Oh, my God, it's happening again. 309 00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:06,448 The desert of Kroth is Kabletown. 310 00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:08,566 I've got to get some fresh air. 311 00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:10,785 So fine, two can play at this game. 312 00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:13,488 I'm putting an old German curse on you. 313 00:11:13,522 --> 00:11:17,208 [Speaking German] 314 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,626 [Door opens] 315 00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:21,162 - Hey, Dennis had a great idea. - No. 316 00:11:21,196 --> 00:11:22,831 I should take the hot dog truck out after the parade, 317 00:11:22,865 --> 00:11:24,549 and sell empty buns to drunk people. 318 00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:26,918 Oh, my God, Criss, he's just trying to get me alone 319 00:11:26,969 --> 00:11:30,088 so he can start a gas leak or claim squatter's rights 320 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:31,422 or hit me over the head, 321 00:11:31,474 --> 00:11:33,641 and when I wake up, we're on our honeymoon. 322 00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:35,009 At seaworld. 323 00:11:35,043 --> 00:11:36,644 Are you sure this is Dennis's obsession? 324 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,230 'Cause you're the one who can't seem to stop talking about him. 325 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,816 Are you kidding? I know Dennis Duffy's brain. 326 00:11:41,851 --> 00:11:43,885 I saw some of it when he jumped on the ice 327 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:44,986 during an islanders game. 328 00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:46,404 His next move will be 329 00:11:46,438 --> 00:11:51,242 mentioning some fake girlfriend to try to make me jealous... 330 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,828 But I'm going to turn it against him. 331 00:11:53,863 --> 00:11:58,283 And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. 332 00:11:58,334 --> 00:11:59,450 What does that mean, "once again"? 333 00:11:59,502 --> 00:12:01,536 That's not a thing. 334 00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:05,573 This ends right now. 335 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,260 Dude, you missed the end of the lez movie. 336 00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:11,296 Their daughter, she goes off to college, 337 00:12:11,347 --> 00:12:13,131 and Mark Ruffalo, he's just gonna do 338 00:12:13,182 --> 00:12:14,465 his own thing with the restaurant. 339 00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:16,351 Look, is there anyone you want us to call 340 00:12:16,385 --> 00:12:18,019 to let them know you're okay? 341 00:12:18,053 --> 00:12:19,938 I left a message for Megan earlier, 342 00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:20,955 but it's hard for her to answer her phone, 343 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,524 'cause her boobs are so big. 344 00:12:22,558 --> 00:12:24,692 I'm sorry, and who's Megan? 345 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,528 She's my lady, Liz. I'm seeing someone. 346 00:12:26,562 --> 00:12:28,479 She's a card girl at kangaroo boxing matches, 347 00:12:28,531 --> 00:12:31,699 so she's got a body, and she's loaded. 348 00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,735 Her grandfather invented the stop sign. 349 00:12:33,769 --> 00:12:35,737 Wait, are you saying you're over me? 350 00:12:35,771 --> 00:12:37,488 Elizabeth, don't do this. 351 00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:39,741 [Fake crying] Because I am not over you. 352 00:12:39,775 --> 00:12:41,242 I never will be! 353 00:12:41,276 --> 00:12:44,546 I love you, Dennis. I love you so much... 354 00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:46,164 Whoa, what the hell, Liz? 355 00:12:46,215 --> 00:12:48,416 No, Criss, I'm just proving my point. 356 00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:50,001 I don't care what you're doing. 357 00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:51,553 So it turns out you can't say "I love you," 358 00:12:51,587 --> 00:12:53,805 - just not to me. - Wait, what? 359 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,256 It's not like you haven't had the chance to say it. 360 00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:58,092 - Love you. - You're the best. 361 00:12:58,126 --> 00:13:00,478 - Love you. - Scooby-doo. 362 00:13:00,512 --> 00:13:02,730 - I love you. - I just ordered thai food. 363 00:13:02,765 --> 00:13:04,933 And I thought you were just emotionally infantile. 364 00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:07,569 I am! Me baby. 365 00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:09,020 Yeah. I'm gonna take the truck out. 366 00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:12,273 Oh, no, it's happening. The wedge! 367 00:13:12,307 --> 00:13:13,825 [Groaning] 368 00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:16,327 Liz, we need to talk. 369 00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:19,030 Open the bag of wine. 370 00:13:19,081 --> 00:13:20,982 And we're back with our live coverage 371 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,617 of the St. Patrick's day parade. 372 00:13:22,651 --> 00:13:25,870 I'm Al Roker, taking over for Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 373 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,155 He should have said my name first. 374 00:13:28,173 --> 00:13:29,757 Roker should be on my side. 375 00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:32,377 Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations? 376 00:13:32,428 --> 00:13:37,048 [Sobbing loudly] 377 00:13:37,099 --> 00:13:38,049 [Phone ringing] 378 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:39,667 [Shouting] What? 379 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:42,687 Okay, that's not how you're supposed to answer the phone. 380 00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:43,771 Just thought I'd check in. 381 00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:45,607 Everything's fine. 382 00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,609 Pete says I'm doing great. 383 00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:49,444 I'm not about to screw this up, Kenneth, 384 00:13:49,478 --> 00:13:51,362 'cause I'd get kicked out of show business, 385 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,947 and then how would I be famous? 386 00:13:52,982 --> 00:13:54,032 By starting a fire 387 00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:55,483 and then rescuing everyone from it? 388 00:13:55,517 --> 00:13:58,236 And then I'm a hero and then I'm Playboy? 389 00:13:58,287 --> 00:13:59,971 Hazel, are Mr. Jordan and Ms. Maroney fighting? 390 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,206 Well, you're not a page anymore, Kenneth. 391 00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:05,610 That information is classified. 392 00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:08,630 [Solemn music playing] 393 00:14:08,664 --> 00:14:10,298 ♪ 394 00:14:10,332 --> 00:14:11,966 You look troubled, son. 395 00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:14,352 Would you like to talk about it? 396 00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:15,753 I'm stuck, father. 397 00:14:15,804 --> 00:14:19,240 Stuck in a company that won't innovate or change. 398 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:22,060 I feel helpless. Impotent. 399 00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:24,479 Whoa, buy me a drink first. [Laughs] 400 00:14:24,513 --> 00:14:26,931 Sorry, we've been instructed to keep it light. 401 00:14:26,982 --> 00:14:28,483 Ah. 402 00:14:28,517 --> 00:14:30,685 Now there's a man who overcame some difficulties. 403 00:14:30,719 --> 00:14:32,904 I'm sure you know the story of St. Patrick, 404 00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,322 driving the snakes out of Ireland. 405 00:14:34,356 --> 00:14:36,057 I'm going to have to stop you right there, father, 406 00:14:36,075 --> 00:14:37,224 'cause I know for a fact 407 00:14:37,242 --> 00:14:39,060 that there were never any snakes in Ireland, 408 00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:41,195 and St. Patrick didn't drive anything out of anywhere. 409 00:14:41,229 --> 00:14:43,281 Knock, knock. 410 00:14:43,332 --> 00:14:45,833 First of all, he was born in fourth century Ireland. 411 00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:48,169 He might as well have been born in a grave. 412 00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:51,622 His only worldly possession was no snakes. 413 00:14:51,674 --> 00:14:54,125 But he turned that... 414 00:14:54,176 --> 00:14:57,662 Huh... into sainthood, a holiday, 415 00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:00,648 this magnificent cathedral. 416 00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:02,367 He was just some guy 417 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:05,720 starving in the wilderness... 418 00:15:05,754 --> 00:15:07,421 Exactly like me. 419 00:15:07,439 --> 00:15:11,359 But he found a way to change his luck, 420 00:15:11,393 --> 00:15:16,748 to take nothing and turn it into... 421 00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:19,650 [Awed whisper] By the scepter of Thalbain. 422 00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:24,347 Out! Now! 423 00:15:26,173 --> 00:15:27,656 [Sighs] 424 00:15:27,674 --> 00:15:29,291 Look, Liz, there's something I've got to tell you. 425 00:15:29,326 --> 00:15:31,260 - Not interested. - Megan isn't my girlfriend. 426 00:15:31,294 --> 00:15:33,028 I know, and I am not letting you... 427 00:15:33,063 --> 00:15:34,013 She's my wife. 428 00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:36,331 We just got back from Seaworld yesterday, 429 00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:37,933 and I know this is hard for you to hear... 430 00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:40,719 Oh, yeah, it's so hard for me to hear about your "wife." 431 00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:41,720 I'm so jealous. 432 00:15:41,771 --> 00:15:42,938 Dennis, baby! 433 00:15:42,973 --> 00:15:44,056 I would have got here sooner, 434 00:15:44,107 --> 00:15:46,976 but I passed out laughing on 69th Street. 435 00:15:47,010 --> 00:15:49,645 That's hilarious, Megs. What's up, sugar? 436 00:15:49,679 --> 00:15:50,729 - Hi, how are you? - How are you doing? 437 00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,648 Wait a minute, Megan is real? 438 00:15:52,682 --> 00:15:55,150 I thought you were lying to get us back together. 439 00:15:55,184 --> 00:15:56,402 That's why I said I loved you. 440 00:15:56,453 --> 00:15:57,953 I was trying to call your bluff. 441 00:15:57,988 --> 00:15:59,455 Wow, you know, that's really messed up, Liz. 442 00:15:59,489 --> 00:16:01,957 Okay, wait, you said you love him? 443 00:16:01,992 --> 00:16:03,292 [Laughs] Okay. 444 00:16:03,326 --> 00:16:06,629 You got two minutes to fill a sock with quarters, 445 00:16:06,663 --> 00:16:09,164 and then we go outside. 446 00:16:09,198 --> 00:16:11,333 Oh, my God, stop it, no more of this Irish nonsense. 447 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:14,136 Dennis, you came in here, possibly as part of a curse, 448 00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:16,138 and ruined everything! 449 00:16:16,172 --> 00:16:17,723 What? I did nothing. 450 00:16:17,757 --> 00:16:20,226 Hey, if anyone's full of Irish nonsense, it's you. 451 00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:21,560 - Excuse me? - Think about it. 452 00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:23,479 You're the one that got all emotional 453 00:16:23,513 --> 00:16:25,097 and made a fool of herself at a party. 454 00:16:25,148 --> 00:16:26,599 This wasn't a party. 455 00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:27,816 Tell me about it. It sucked. 456 00:16:27,851 --> 00:16:30,519 Look, you're stubborn, you hold grudges, 457 00:16:30,553 --> 00:16:32,354 you're emotionally repressed. 458 00:16:32,388 --> 00:16:33,572 She's been living with this great guy, 459 00:16:33,607 --> 00:16:35,157 and hasn't said "I love you" yet. 460 00:16:35,191 --> 00:16:37,693 Really? Not even on a Ferris wheel? 461 00:16:37,727 --> 00:16:39,078 - Ugh. - Let's face it, Liz. 462 00:16:39,112 --> 00:16:41,580 You're the most Irish person here. 463 00:16:41,615 --> 00:16:43,282 Happy St. Patrick's day, dummy. 464 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:44,950 Wait, it's St. Patrick's day? 465 00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:49,038 St. Patrick's day, baby. [Shrieks happily] 466 00:16:49,072 --> 00:16:53,292 [Sighs] 467 00:16:53,343 --> 00:16:54,843 The first car is here 468 00:16:54,878 --> 00:16:59,765 for whichever one of you wants to leave first. 469 00:16:59,799 --> 00:17:00,766 [Groans] 470 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,601 Why do I keep doing this stuff? 471 00:17:02,636 --> 00:17:05,854 Is 70 not a good IQ? 472 00:17:12,028 --> 00:17:13,929 Well, the bigger star gets the first car. 473 00:17:13,947 --> 00:17:16,815 But the sign says it's for host number two. 474 00:17:16,866 --> 00:17:18,734 I'm scared, J-mohr. 475 00:17:18,768 --> 00:17:20,119 And not just 'cause today's the day 476 00:17:20,153 --> 00:17:22,454 that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail. 477 00:17:22,489 --> 00:17:25,824 I'm scared 'cause... 478 00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,710 What if I'm not the biggest star anymore? 479 00:17:27,744 --> 00:17:29,662 Tracy, I know how you feel. 480 00:17:29,713 --> 00:17:31,297 I've felt that way for the past five years. 481 00:17:31,331 --> 00:17:32,831 And now that I've gotten everything I wanted, 482 00:17:32,882 --> 00:17:35,918 all I can think about is how quickly it can all go away. 483 00:17:35,952 --> 00:17:38,387 Tell me about it. A year ago, I won an Oscar. 484 00:17:38,421 --> 00:17:39,505 Now look at me. 485 00:17:39,556 --> 00:17:41,674 I had to beg to take over for Andy Rooney. 486 00:17:41,725 --> 00:17:43,425 And it did not go well. 487 00:17:43,459 --> 00:17:44,543 When I was a kid, 488 00:17:44,577 --> 00:17:47,179 you could get a prostitute for $5. 489 00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,264 You know what? 490 00:17:49,298 --> 00:17:50,599 I'll read host number two. 491 00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:53,268 No. We'll read it together. 492 00:17:53,302 --> 00:17:56,304 Aww. 493 00:18:03,196 --> 00:18:05,948 Know this, Hazel. I will always be here... 494 00:18:05,982 --> 00:18:07,533 For them and for you. 495 00:18:07,584 --> 00:18:09,034 Nothing can ever make me... 496 00:18:09,085 --> 00:18:10,619 [Over megaphone] Move your car. 497 00:18:10,653 --> 00:18:13,872 [Siren wailing] 498 00:18:13,923 --> 00:18:18,177 [Indistinct chatter] 499 00:18:18,211 --> 00:18:21,013 I'd like to spend my remaining gold... 500 00:18:21,047 --> 00:18:22,381 To purchase a fire spell. 501 00:18:22,432 --> 00:18:25,534 And against whom will you be casting this spell? 502 00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,219 Against myself. 503 00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,471 I am setting fire to my own desert. 504 00:18:29,505 --> 00:18:32,691 - You're insane! - Am I? 505 00:18:32,726 --> 00:18:34,893 I'm going to turn my desert into glass, 506 00:18:34,928 --> 00:18:37,479 and glass is a commodity that you all need, 507 00:18:37,513 --> 00:18:40,282 for your elfin oracle mirrors, 508 00:18:40,316 --> 00:18:41,700 for your crystal palace, 509 00:18:41,735 --> 00:18:43,035 for the colorful glass beads 510 00:18:43,069 --> 00:18:45,988 that you keep buying for some reason. 511 00:18:46,022 --> 00:18:48,307 I'm going to wear them to the pirates' ball. 512 00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:49,908 You need my glass. 513 00:18:49,943 --> 00:18:51,910 And I'll take your gold... 514 00:18:51,945 --> 00:18:55,914 And eventually, the throne of 1,000 kings. 515 00:18:55,949 --> 00:18:57,332 You see, it doesn't matter 516 00:18:57,366 --> 00:18:59,468 if I'm on the wind-blown dunes of Kroth 517 00:18:59,502 --> 00:19:01,203 or in the fluorescent-lit boardrooms 518 00:19:01,237 --> 00:19:03,172 of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. 519 00:19:03,206 --> 00:19:05,557 [Echoing] I will create something 520 00:19:05,592 --> 00:19:08,577 from nothing. 521 00:19:08,611 --> 00:19:13,065 Today Malaar... 522 00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:14,933 Tomorrow Kabletown. 523 00:19:14,984 --> 00:19:18,987 [Coins jangling] 524 00:19:21,024 --> 00:19:25,494 Your highness, you may take your right as king. 525 00:19:25,528 --> 00:19:29,448 I am a virgin... with white guys. 526 00:19:29,499 --> 00:19:31,250 All right, mustard only. 527 00:19:31,284 --> 00:19:33,118 There you go. Enjoy your bun. 528 00:19:33,169 --> 00:19:35,671 Sorry, sorry. 529 00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:37,339 These are the only green things I own. 530 00:19:37,373 --> 00:19:40,426 More importantly, I have never been with someone 531 00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:41,877 for longer than nine months. 532 00:19:41,911 --> 00:19:43,595 You and I have been together for six, 533 00:19:43,630 --> 00:19:45,297 so I assume something will go wrong soon. 534 00:19:45,348 --> 00:19:47,549 You'll tell me you believe in ghosts, 535 00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:50,853 or I'll reveal that I am terrible 536 00:19:50,887 --> 00:19:53,388 at expressing my feelings. 537 00:19:53,422 --> 00:19:54,773 But it's not because I don't have them. 538 00:19:54,808 --> 00:19:56,475 It's just because... 539 00:19:56,526 --> 00:19:57,776 I'm used to being let down. 540 00:19:57,811 --> 00:19:59,361 Wait, is now the time 541 00:19:59,395 --> 00:20:02,030 on St. Patrick's day when we talk about our feelings? 542 00:20:02,065 --> 00:20:04,533 I don't understand your art, Kevin. 543 00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,819 [Spluttering] 544 00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:08,954 But this isn't fair to you, Criss. 545 00:20:08,988 --> 00:20:11,123 This is the happiest I've been in a long time, 546 00:20:11,157 --> 00:20:14,543 and I'm sorry that I can't just be a normal person 547 00:20:14,577 --> 00:20:16,378 and tell you stuff. 548 00:20:16,412 --> 00:20:19,614 Like, nice stuff. Like... 549 00:20:19,632 --> 00:20:21,083 Greeting card stuff. 550 00:20:21,117 --> 00:20:22,334 Oh, you're right there, buddy. 551 00:20:22,385 --> 00:20:24,303 Come on, homestretch. 552 00:20:24,337 --> 00:20:26,672 Come on. [Groaning] 553 00:20:26,723 --> 00:20:28,090 Okay. 554 00:20:28,124 --> 00:20:29,508 I love you. 555 00:20:29,559 --> 00:20:31,643 I know. 556 00:20:31,678 --> 00:20:35,931 [Gasps] You solo-ed me. 557 00:20:37,901 --> 00:20:40,903 [Crowd shouting] 558 00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:46,653 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 559 00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:52,925 Both: Thanks, host number one. 560 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,144 Let's take a look at what's happening live 561 00:20:55,145 --> 00:20:56,261 in Rockefeller Plaza. 562 00:20:56,498 --> 00:20:57,732 I love you. 563 00:20:57,766 --> 00:20:59,067 Oh, I got this! 564 00:20:59,101 --> 00:21:00,435 That is a person named Liz Lemon 565 00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,269 who just told some dude she loves him. 566 00:21:02,291 --> 00:21:05,491 Well, I have known her for a long time and she never said that before. 567 00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:08,841 Is sure as rewarding as a TV viewer when someone you're interested in shows growth. 568 00:21:10,377 --> 00:21:12,877 Also, TV viewers liked when in a show is a song. 569 00:21:13,033 --> 00:21:17,463 ♪Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling♪ 570 00:21:18,064 --> 00:21:21,761 ♪From glen to glen, and down the mountain side♪ 571 00:21:21,954 --> 00:21:23,245 Don't you dare fade out on me.