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♪ Good morning, USA!
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
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♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, USA!
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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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Oh, my God, please don't
tell me Shatner died.
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You're looking well.
Our presentation can now begin.
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Word of caution,
I would refrain from sharing popcorn
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with the gentleman to your left
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as I saw him cut a hole
in the bottom of his bucket.
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He's kidding.
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Popcorn?
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Hello.
I'm Steve Smith.
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I'm sitting right over there.
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What?
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In the past, I have personally
made ironclad cases
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as to why I am the perfect
candidate to own a dog.
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I am an American boy and I both
crave and offer companionship.
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But tonight, I'm calling on
other folks
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to help me make my case.
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This is my best friend, Snot.
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I'm Snot Lonstein
and this is my dog Dreidel.
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We get a lot of comments
when I walk him.
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"Hey, who's walking who?"
is one I particularly enjoy.
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That's good fun.
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That's enough!
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Steve, I've told you over and over,
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I will never allow anyone in
this house to get a dog!
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Ever!
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I agree with Stan.
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I'm the only pet this house needs.
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What about me?
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You can't be a pet unless
someone loves you.
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Stan, don't you think
you were a little harsh
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with Steve in there?
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I'm tired of his constant pleas
for a dog.
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It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.
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If that were true,
all I'd be saying is
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"Jane Seymour from behind."
Just "Jane Seymour from behind,
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Jane Seymour from behind,"
over and over.
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Jane Seymour from behind?
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Stan, have you considered
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that maybe you won't let
Steve have a dog
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because of a deeper issue?
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You know damn well why!
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When I was a boy,
I had a dog named Freddy.
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He was my best friend.
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But right after my dad left us,
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my mom said Freddy was diagnosed
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with what is now known
as "Air Bud" disease.
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She told me the humane thing
to do was to put Freddy down.
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Nooo...
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My mom said to.
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Please accept your fate with dignity.
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Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.
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They just didn't allow dogs at
our new apartment building.
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And because of that super sad story,
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I will never have a dog in my home.
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It's such a sad story
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that I won't even undercut it
with a joke.
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I'm just gonna let it end sad.
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Are you sure you don't want
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to come up with some
joke to end that?
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Nope.
Keeping it sad.
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Stan, we had a dog already.
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I don't think so.
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We did.
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Five years ago you got Steve
an old dog
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that peed dust, and you killed it.
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We also had another dog named Fussy
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that you didn't like or something.
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Francine, those were
obviously dreams.
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I refuse to discuss
your dreams in the daytime.
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Hey, Roger, what's...?
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Where the hell have you been?!
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You are not going to believe
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what's going on in this house.
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Things are really going
to pot around here.
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Great. It's locked.
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I forgot my key.
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Of course you never gave me a key.
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That kinda bothers me,
but that's not important.
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What is important is
what's going on around here!
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You're gonna see, buddy,
oh, you are gonna see!
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This is great.
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Suddenly security's
real tight around here.
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You are just gonna lose it
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when you see what's
going on in your house!
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You are really gonna blow your stack!
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The worst part of it
is the disrespect to you,
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They are castrating you,
quite frankly.
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I'm sorry, but that's
what they're doing.
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They are cutting off your nads,
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period, end of story.
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Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!
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Look!
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It's sloppy!
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It's so wet!
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Oh, I love you, too!
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What in the hell is that?
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It's my new dog, Kisses!
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I said no dogs!
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Oh, this is good for Steve.
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And it'll be good for you
to love a dog again.
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I bet Freddy is smiling down
from doggie heaven right now.
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I hope he is.
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I hope he's up there,
living in a lake house,
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driving a kickass speedboat,
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eating the foamy grass
he just threw up.
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Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.
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Fine. But I won't have
anything to do with that dog.
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If he buys a table
at a charity event,
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I won't sit at it.
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I'm mad at you.
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You are consistently
a problem for me.
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Whoa!
Taking some liberties here.
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Oh, um, okay.
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But I'm-I'm only letting you
sit there
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because my crotch is chilly.
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You're soft.
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Like the detergent bear.
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Oh, and look, there's a little ear.
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Who likes a scratch?
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Who likes an ear scratch, huh?
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Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.
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It's for him, not for me.
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Oh, my God, what a cute little
yawn, what a tired little baby!
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You were right, Francine.
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It feels so good to love a dog again.
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Don't throw the Frisbee too
close to the street, Stan.
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Don't worry.
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The odds of me being involved in
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another dog-related tragedy
are astronomical.
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Atta boy, Kisses!
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Mee-argh!
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Oh, it's, it's not fair!
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It's not fair!
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Why him?! Why?!
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No, take me, take me, take me!
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Oh, my God!
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Smith family?
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Yes?!
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Well, the good news is
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that Kisses survived
the balloon accident.
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He's still alive!
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Well, yes, but he's only breathing
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with the help of a machine.
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Oh, God!
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He's not dead?
Are you sure?
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I don't mean
to question your abilities,
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it's just I saw you pull into
the parking lot in a Geo Metro.
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That's not a car for a doctor.
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That's a sweet 16 gift
for a Filipino.
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No!
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This...
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is an unfortunate situation.
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Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?
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Well, most of his vital organs
have failed.
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I'm afraid there's not much hope.
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Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!
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I know this is hard,
but under the circumstances,
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I think the right thing
to do is to pull the plug.
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Oh, God! It's so sad!
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I won't be responsible
for another dog dying!
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Who are we to play God?!
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You know who I'd like to see
play God? Borat.
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He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.
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He'd be, "My-my wif..."
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I can't do it.
I can't do it.
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Well, if you're going to keep
Kisses on life support,
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we'll need to discuss
the cost of care.
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Oh, here we go!
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That's the real medicine, huh?
Cash!
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Guess I gotta show
Jerry Maguire the money!
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Here, why don't you take it all?
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Just so you know,
it was Rod Tidwell who asked
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that the money be shown
to him, not Jerry Maguire.
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I'm sure in your grief,
you mixed up the characters.
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You know, we've never even discussed
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what we would do if either one
of us was on life support.
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If I was messed up like Kisses,
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I'd want you to pull the...
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Okay.
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... doctor aside and tell him
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I'm allergic to penicillin.
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Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.
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You know, we should
probably see a lawyer
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and make a will
to sort this stuff out.
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That way we both know
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our final wishes will be honored.
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Why did you guys drag me out
here to listen
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to this boring lawyer stuff?!
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You're still here?
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Of course I am.
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What did you find out?
When's the surgery?
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Surgery?
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Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,
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but Kisses is not going
to recover from his accident.
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You're real quick to give up
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on this dog, aren't you, Doc?
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What's your hurry?
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You gotta get your report card out
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of the mailbox
before your folks get home?
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Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have
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to cure the dog myself.
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I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one.
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You're going to fix him?
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Why not me?
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00:09:52,688 --> 00:09:54,699
What, you don't think
I can do a major surgery
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00:09:54,824 --> 00:09:56,467
because I'm not a doctor like you?
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00:09:56,592 --> 00:09:58,286
You sound a lot like my tailor,
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who also didn't think
I could do things on my own.
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00:10:06,563 --> 00:10:09,304
♪
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Come on.
He's defacing the walls.
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00:10:39,268 --> 00:10:41,579
Do something!
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00:10:41,704 --> 00:10:43,081
Oh, no, you don't.
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00:10:43,206 --> 00:10:44,816
Nuh-uh.
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00:10:44,941 --> 00:10:48,753
You don't do that around here.
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Okay, that takes care
of all the medical stuff.
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00:10:56,986 --> 00:11:00,131
Now let's move onto the
distribution of possessions.
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00:11:02,892 --> 00:11:05,069
We're hippies, Bernie.
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00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:07,462
We don't care about material things.
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00:11:08,648 --> 00:11:09,991
That's gross.
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00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:11,275
That's a gross way to live.
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00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,760
Well, we do have a few things.
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Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks
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and my sleeping bag.
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00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,099
Oh, and I control the master tapes
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to Blues Traveler's first album.
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00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:20,985
What?
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Years ago, I was
the tour cook for the band,
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00:11:23,412 --> 00:11:25,857
and the lead singer,
John Popper, loved my food,
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so he gave me the tapes.
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They earn about $2 million a year.
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What?
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00:11:30,853 --> 00:11:32,430
Or maybe more.
I don't know.
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I haven't really
been paying attention
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since I gave the rights
to Patricia, my daughter.
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00:11:37,243 --> 00:11:38,886
You have a daughter?
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00:11:39,011 --> 00:11:40,304
Well, stepdaughter.
247
00:11:40,429 --> 00:11:42,240
Yeah, back when I was into cougars,
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I married her mom, who was 71.
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That's hot.
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That's a hot way to live.
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Anyway, my wife had passed,
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and it was Patricia's 50th birthday,
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and I didn't know
what to get her, so...
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00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,009
Jeff, you need to get
those tapes back, okay?
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00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,457
My God!
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00:11:59,582 --> 00:12:01,692
Is there anything else that
you'd like to share with me?
257
00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:03,694
I think the dude who lives
in your parents' attic
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00:12:03,819 --> 00:12:05,196
has a crush on me.
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00:12:05,321 --> 00:12:06,821
He makes me uncomfortable.
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00:12:09,058 --> 00:12:11,126
Hey, bookworm.
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00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:20,178
Well, I just did a ton of
research at the library,
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00:12:20,303 --> 00:12:21,479
but I couldn't concentrate.
263
00:12:21,604 --> 00:12:24,215
They were blasting
Oingo Boingo at top volume.
264
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:26,150
But I did find this flier.
265
00:12:26,275 --> 00:12:27,789
This woman specializes
in fixing animals
266
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,958
that other vets have given up on.
267
00:12:31,124 --> 00:12:34,609
Look, I know you want to do
everything to help Kisses,
268
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:36,464
- but this isn't right.
- Hello.
269
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,258
Steve, you've stopped crying.
270
00:12:39,424 --> 00:12:41,249
Well, it's been four days.
271
00:12:41,374 --> 00:12:43,317
I ran out of tissues
and started using
272
00:12:43,442 --> 00:12:45,586
my handy tube sock to dry my tears.
273
00:12:45,711 --> 00:12:47,850
Think my eyes might be pregnant.
274
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:49,840
Anyway, Dad, it's time
to let Kisses go.
275
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:51,842
There's no quality of
life for him anymore.
276
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:53,477
He's right, Stan.
277
00:12:53,602 --> 00:12:55,246
It's my dog, Dad.
278
00:12:55,371 --> 00:12:56,948
It's my call.
279
00:12:57,073 --> 00:12:59,784
Okay, Steve. Okay.
280
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,202
Hey, yin-yangs.
281
00:13:01,327 --> 00:13:03,366
Steve, did you tell them
you want to pull the plug?
282
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:04,972
I at least want to be there when...
283
00:13:05,097 --> 00:13:06,741
Oh, my God, look at your hair.
284
00:13:06,866 --> 00:13:08,409
It's getting so long.
285
00:13:08,534 --> 00:13:11,703
How sweaty is your nape right now?
286
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,267
You're doing the right thing.
287
00:13:16,392 --> 00:13:18,202
Your husband was here earlier
288
00:13:18,327 --> 00:13:20,311
to say good-bye in private.
289
00:13:27,403 --> 00:13:28,829
Don't you worry, Kisses.
290
00:13:28,954 --> 00:13:30,881
Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you
right up.
291
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:32,270
You like music?
292
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:35,273
My friend, Klaus, made us
a mix tape for the drive.
293
00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,638
Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses.
294
00:13:37,763 --> 00:13:41,475
Hope this tape makes your
journey a little more rockin'.
295
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,462
♪ Sent a letter on a long summer day ♪
296
00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:49,787
♪ Made of silver, not of clay
297
00:13:49,953 --> 00:13:55,022
♪ Oh, I've been running
down this dusty road ♪
298
00:13:55,147 --> 00:13:56,524
Klaus, you dick.
299
00:13:56,649 --> 00:14:00,506
♪ Oh, the wheel in the sky
keeps on turning... ♪
300
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:10,976
Dr. Lizzy?
301
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,528
My name is Stan Smith.
302
00:14:12,653 --> 00:14:14,463
My dog, Kisses, was crushed
303
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:16,565
by a hot air balloon
full of pirate cats.
304
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,467
Can you help me?
305
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:20,035
Come in.
306
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,653
Thanks. Is it cool
that I parked there?
307
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:31,263
Kisses is being prepped for surgery.
308
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:32,982
He's going to be fine.
309
00:14:33,107 --> 00:14:34,984
You were stuck in what I like to call
310
00:14:35,109 --> 00:14:36,793
the "Western Pharma-cycle."
311
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,271
Veterinarians give pets diseases,
312
00:14:39,396 --> 00:14:42,525
and then sell owners medicine
that cures those diseases,
313
00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:44,693
but gives them different diseases.
314
00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:46,529
Oh, it's a great business model...
315
00:14:46,654 --> 00:14:48,262
if you're the Devil!
316
00:15:01,719 --> 00:15:04,320
You have a beautiful laugh.
317
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,932
So, you see, Patricia,
I'm remarried now,
318
00:15:07,057 --> 00:15:09,659
and we could really use
the Blues Traveler money.
319
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:10,743
No way.
320
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:13,246
Okay, we thought you might resist,
321
00:15:13,453 --> 00:15:15,090
which is why we brought our lawyer.
322
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,667
Bernie, do your thing.
323
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,361
Alright, ma'am, I understand
324
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:21,130
that you're determined
to keep the money.
325
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,889
I just have one question.
326
00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:25,834
Will you marry me?
What?!
327
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,970
Yes! Yes, of course I ll!
328
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,805
Bernie!
329
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,241
You know he's just doing
this for the money.
330
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,509
I know.
331
00:15:33,634 --> 00:15:35,311
But we'll still have
lots of sex, right, Bern?
332
00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:36,435
Maybe.
333
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,980
Oh, my God.
334
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:40,649
My baby's getting married!
335
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,108
Jeff!
336
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,786
We are paying for the wedding.
337
00:15:43,911 --> 00:15:45,838
I don't want to hear
another word about it.
338
00:15:45,963 --> 00:15:47,905
Thanks, Dad.
339
00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:52,895
Well?
340
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,161
The procedure was a success.
341
00:15:54,327 --> 00:15:56,031
We saved Kisses.
342
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,967
Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy!
343
00:15:58,092 --> 00:15:59,125
Can I see him?
344
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,586
I'll do you one better.
345
00:16:00,711 --> 00:16:01,921
Call him.
346
00:16:02,046 --> 00:16:03,963
Kisses. Kisses.
347
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:05,240
It's Daddy.
348
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,507
Come to Daddy. Come to...
349
00:16:14,775 --> 00:16:16,769
Well, what do you think?
350
00:16:16,894 --> 00:16:19,171
Where... where are his eyes?
351
00:16:19,296 --> 00:16:21,123
He was blinded by the accident,
352
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,042
so I removed his eyeballs
353
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,561
and put them where his
testicles used to be.
354
00:16:25,686 --> 00:16:28,237
Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir.
355
00:16:28,403 --> 00:16:31,240
Is his head a...
a baseball mitt?
356
00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:33,168
Softball mitt.
357
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,104
Know what I'm saying?
358
00:16:35,229 --> 00:16:36,805
A wink.
359
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:39,591
Saying it without saying it.
360
00:16:39,716 --> 00:16:42,177
I like-a the ladies.
361
00:16:43,637 --> 00:16:46,839
This... this isn't how
I pictured he'd turn out.
362
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:50,152
Stan, you wanted me
to keep Kisses alive, and I did.
363
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:53,389
You told me to do anything
and everything I could.
364
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:54,931
Did you not tell me that?
365
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,933
No, I-I did. I did.
366
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,060
Good.
367
00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,712
Now, here's the bill.
368
00:16:59,837 --> 00:17:01,914
$6,000?
369
00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:03,940
Well, I also fixed your car.
370
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,724
Stan, this is the sixth
message I've left.
371
00:17:11,849 --> 00:17:14,226
Please call me when you get this.
372
00:17:14,351 --> 00:17:15,828
Hey, look what I found.
373
00:17:15,953 --> 00:17:17,029
My smile.
374
00:17:17,154 --> 00:17:18,397
You know where it was?
375
00:17:18,522 --> 00:17:20,165
Four minutes into The Today Show.
376
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,935
Thank you, Al Roker,
for talking to those fat women
377
00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:25,571
holding a banner that said
"Minnesota Cheese Queens."
378
00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:27,239
Oh, I'm worried about your father.
379
00:17:27,364 --> 00:17:29,808
He was just so
distraught over Kisses,
380
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:31,427
God knows what he'll...
381
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:33,595
Stan, where have you been?
382
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,098
Doing what none of you
thought could be done.
383
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,807
I saved Kisses.
384
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:39,935
Okay, I don't know what you did,
385
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:43,396
but all Kisses needs is to
be put out of his misery.
386
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,874
Misery? You call this misery?
387
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,209
Kisses, come on, boy.
388
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,421
Oh, my God!
389
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,540
Please kill this dog!
390
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:04,333
End this!
391
00:18:04,499 --> 00:18:05,861
I know he's initially
hard to look at,
392
00:18:05,986 --> 00:18:07,336
but it's still Kisses.
393
00:18:07,502 --> 00:18:08,697
Look deep into his eyes,
394
00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:10,733
which are now his
balls, and you'll see.
395
00:18:10,858 --> 00:18:14,286
Okay, whatever that is,
it's not Kisses.
396
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,328
Don't listen to her, Kisses.
397
00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:25,188
You're still Daddy's little fella.
398
00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:31,487
Is that Kisses?
399
00:18:31,612 --> 00:18:33,806
Oh, my God.
Oh, no!
400
00:18:33,931 --> 00:18:35,741
No, now, this dog I like.
401
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,383
He can stay.
402
00:18:46,143 --> 00:18:47,927
♪
403
00:18:53,548 --> 00:18:54,592
Freddy!
404
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:56,852
Hop in, Stan.
405
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,035
Where are we?
406
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,703
This is Heaven.
407
00:19:04,828 --> 00:19:06,520
Grab me something cold, will you?
408
00:19:06,686 --> 00:19:09,115
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah. Come on, bro.
409
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:14,947
Look, Stan, this nonsense
410
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,982
you got going on with
Kisses isn't right.
411
00:19:17,107 --> 00:19:18,700
But Dr. Lizzy said that...
412
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,336
Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay?
413
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,771
Look, take it from another dog.
414
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:24,840
If Kisses can't run and play and do
415
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:27,442
all that crap we like,
then what's the point?
416
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,645
Maybe...
417
00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:31,246
I don't know.
418
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,816
Stan, let Kisses go.
419
00:19:33,941 --> 00:19:37,186
Saving him won't bring me back.
420
00:19:42,149 --> 00:19:43,425
Yeah.
421
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,827
Yeah, you're right.
422
00:19:44,952 --> 00:19:46,728
It's okay, man.
423
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,788
You want to drive?
424
00:19:54,795 --> 00:19:56,595
I got to quit these things.
425
00:19:57,403 --> 00:19:59,808
I got to quit these things, too.
426
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,376
But I can't.
427
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,303
I got too much of my dad in me.
428
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:08,267
All right, Kisses. You ready?
429
00:20:08,392 --> 00:20:10,736
Three, two, one.
430
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:16,291
Stan!
431
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,134
I blew up Kisses with dynamite.
432
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,052
What? Why?
433
00:20:20,218 --> 00:20:22,130
Because of Freddy.
434
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,156
Because of you, Freddy.
435
00:20:27,244 --> 00:20:28,720
This is nice.
436
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:34,009
Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks
the new guy is cute.
437
00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,234
Penny!
438
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,913
You're going to do just fine here.
439
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,564
Yeah, you got to kill
those sometimes.
440
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,440
♪
441
00:20:59,632 --> 00:21:07,603
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com