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♪ Good morning, USA!
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
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♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, USA!
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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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Oh, my God, please don't
tell me Shatner died.
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You're looking well.
Our presentation can now begin.
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Word of caution,
I would refrain from sharing popcorn
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with the gentleman to your left
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as I saw him cut a hole
in the bottom of his bucket.
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He's kidding.
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Popcorn?
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Hello.
I'm Steve Smith.
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I'm sitting right over there.
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What?
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In the past, I have personally
made ironclad cases
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as to why I am the perfect
candidate to own a dog.
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I am an American boy and I both
crave and offer companionship.
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But tonight, I'm calling on
other folks
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to help me make my case.
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This is my best friend, Snot.
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I'm Snot Lonstein
and this is my dog Dreidel.
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We get a lot of comments
when I walk him.
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"Hey, who's walking who?"
is one I particularly enjoy.
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That's good fun.
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That's enough!
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Steve, I've told you over and over,
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I will never allow anyone in
this house to get a dog!
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Ever!
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I agree with Stan.
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I'm the only pet this house needs.
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What about me?
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You can't be a pet unless
someone loves you.
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Stan, don't you think
you were a little harsh
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with Steve in there?
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I'm tired of his constant pleas
for a dog.
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It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.
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If that were true,
all I'd be saying is
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"Jane Seymour from behind."
Just "Jane Seymour from behind,
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Jane Seymour from behind,"
over and over.
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Jane Seymour from behind?
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Stan, have you considered
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that maybe you won't let
Steve have a dog
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because of a deeper issue?
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You know damn well why!
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When I was a boy,
I had a dog named Freddy.
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He was my best friend.
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But right after my dad left us,
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my mom said Freddy was diagnosed
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with what is now known
as "Air Bud" disease.
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She told me the humane thing
to do was to put Freddy down.
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Nooo...
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My mom said to.
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Please accept your fate with dignity.
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Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.
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They just didn't allow dogs at
our new apartment building.
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And because of that super sad story,
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I will never have a dog in my home.
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It's such a sad story
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that I won't even undercut it
with a joke.
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I'm just gonna let it end sad.
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Are you sure you don't want
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to come up with some
joke to end that?
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Nope.
Keeping it sad.
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Stan, we had a dog already.
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I don't think so.
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We did.
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Five years ago you got Steve
an old dog
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that peed dust, and you killed it.
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We also had another dog named Fussy
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that you didn't like or something.
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Francine, those were
obviously dreams.
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I refuse to discuss
your dreams in the daytime.
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Hey, Roger, what's...?
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Where the hell have you been?!
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You are not going to believe
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what's going on in this house.
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Things are really going
to pot around here.
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Great. It's locked.
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I forgot my key.
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Of course you never gave me a key.
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That kinda bothers me,
but that's not important.
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What is important is
what's going on around here!
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You're gonna see, buddy,
oh, you are gonna see!
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This is great.
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Suddenly security's
real tight around here.
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You are just gonna lose it
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when you see what's
going on in your house!
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You are really gonna blow your stack!
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The worst part of it
is the disrespect to you,
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They are castrating you,
quite frankly.
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I'm sorry, but that's
what they're doing.
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They are cutting off your nads,
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period, end of story.
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Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!
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Look!
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It's sloppy!
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It's so wet!
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Oh, I love you, too!
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What in the hell is that?
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It's my new dog, Kisses!
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I said no dogs!
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Oh, this is good for Steve.
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And it'll be good for you
to love a dog again.
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I bet Freddy is smiling down
from doggie heaven right now.
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I hope he is.
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I hope he's up there,
living in a lake house,
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driving a kickass speedboat,
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eating the foamy grass
he just threw up.
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Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.
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Fine. But I won't have
anything to do with that dog.
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If he buys a table
at a charity event,
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I won't sit at it.
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I'm mad at you.
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You are consistently
a problem for me.
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Whoa!
Taking some liberties here.
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Oh, um, okay.
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But I'm-I'm only letting you
sit there
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because my crotch is chilly.
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You're soft.
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Like the detergent bear.
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Oh, and look, there's a little ear.
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Who likes a scratch?
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Who likes an ear scratch, huh?
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Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.
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It's for him, not for me.
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Oh, my God, what a cute little
yawn, what a tired little baby!
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You were right, Francine.
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It feels so good to love a dog again.
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Don't throw the Frisbee too
close to the street, Stan.
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Don't worry.
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The odds of me being involved in
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another dog-related tragedy
are astronomical.
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Atta boy, Kisses!
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Mee-argh!
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Oh, it's, it's not fair!
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It's not fair!
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Why him?! Why?!
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No, take me, take me, take me!
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Oh, my God!
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Smith family?
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Yes?!
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Well, the good news is
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that Kisses survived
the balloon accident.
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He's still alive!
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Well, yes, but he's only breathing
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with the help of a machine.
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Oh, God!
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He's not dead?
Are you sure?
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I don't mean
to question your abilities,
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it's just I saw you pull into
the parking lot in a Geo Metro.
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That's not a car for a doctor.
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That's a sweet 16 gift
for a Filipino.
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No!
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This...
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is an unfortunate situation.
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Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?
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Well, most of his vital organs
have failed.
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I'm afraid there's not much hope.
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Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!
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I know this is hard,
but under the circumstances,
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I think the right thing
to do is to pull the plug.
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Oh, God! It's so sad!
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I won't be responsible
for another dog dying!
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Who are we to play God?!
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You know who I'd like to see
play God? Borat.
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He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.
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He'd be, "My-my wif..."
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I can't do it.
I can't do it.
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Well, if you're going to keep
Kisses on life support,
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we'll need to discuss
the cost of care.
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Oh, here we go!
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That's the real medicine, huh?
Cash!
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Guess I gotta show
Jerry Maguire the money!
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Here, why don't you take it all?
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Just so you know,
it was Rod Tidwell who asked
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that the money be shown
to him, not Jerry Maguire.
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I'm sure in your grief,
you mixed up the characters.
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You know, we've never even discussed
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what we would do if either one
of us was on life support.
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If I was messed up like Kisses,
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I'd want you to pull the...
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Okay.
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... doctor aside and tell him
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I'm allergic to penicillin.
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Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.
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You know, we should
probably see a lawyer
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and make a will
to sort this stuff out.
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That way we both know
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our final wishes will be honored.
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Why did you guys drag me out
here to listen
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to this boring lawyer stuff?!
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You're still here?
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Of course I am.
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What did you find out?
When's the surgery?
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Surgery?
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Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,
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but Kisses is not going
to recover from his accident.
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You're real quick to give up
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on this dog, aren't you, Doc?
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What's your hurry?
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You gotta get your report card out
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00:09:42,729 --> 00:09:44,389
of the mailbox
before your folks get home?
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Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have
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to cure the dog myself.
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00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,344
I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one.
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You're going to fix him?
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Why not me?
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What, you don't think
I can do a major surgery
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because I'm not a doctor like you?
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You sound a lot like my tailor,
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who also didn't think
I could do things on my own.
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00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:08,804
♪
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Come on.
He's defacing the walls.
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Do something!
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00:10:41,204 --> 00:10:42,581
Oh, no, you don't.
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Nuh-uh.
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You don't do that around here.
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00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:56,361
Okay, that takes care
of all the medical stuff.
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00:10:56,486 --> 00:10:59,631
Now let's move onto the
distribution of possessions.
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00:11:02,392 --> 00:11:04,569
We're hippies, Bernie.
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00:11:04,694 --> 00:11:06,962
We don't care about material things.
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00:11:08,148 --> 00:11:09,491
That's gross.
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00:11:09,616 --> 00:11:10,775
That's a gross way to live.
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00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,260
Well, we do have a few things.
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00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:13,695
Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks
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and my sleeping bag.
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00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,599
Oh, and I control the master tapes
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to Blues Traveler's first album.
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00:11:19,375 --> 00:11:20,485
What?
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00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:22,787
Years ago, I was
the tour cook for the band,
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00:11:22,912 --> 00:11:25,357
and the lead singer,
John Popper, loved my food,
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so he gave me the tapes.
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They earn about $2 million a year.
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00:11:29,152 --> 00:11:30,228
What?
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00:11:30,353 --> 00:11:31,930
Or maybe more.
I don't know.
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I haven't really
been paying attention
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since I gave the rights
to Patricia, my daughter.
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00:11:36,743 --> 00:11:38,386
You have a daughter?
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00:11:38,511 --> 00:11:39,804
Well, stepdaughter.
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00:11:39,929 --> 00:11:41,740
Yeah, back when I was into cougars,
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I married her mom, who was 71.
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That's hot.
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That's a hot way to live.
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Anyway, my wife had passed,
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and it was Patricia's 50th birthday,
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00:11:52,041 --> 00:11:54,840
and I didn't know
what to get her, so...
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00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:57,509
Jeff, you need to get
those tapes back, okay?
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00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:58,957
My God!
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00:11:59,082 --> 00:12:01,192
Is there anything else that
you'd like to share with me?
257
00:12:01,317 --> 00:12:03,194
I think the dude who lives
in your parents' attic
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00:12:03,319 --> 00:12:04,696
has a crush on me.
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00:12:04,821 --> 00:12:06,321
He makes me uncomfortable.
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00:12:08,558 --> 00:12:10,626
Hey, bookworm.
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00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:19,678
Well, I just did a ton of
research at the library,
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00:12:19,803 --> 00:12:20,979
but I couldn't concentrate.
263
00:12:21,104 --> 00:12:23,715
They were blasting
Oingo Boingo at top volume.
264
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,650
But I did find this flier.
265
00:12:25,775 --> 00:12:27,289
This woman specializes
in fixing animals
266
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:30,458
that other vets have given up on.
267
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:34,109
Look, I know you want to do
everything to help Kisses,
268
00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:35,964
- but this isn't right.
- Hello.
269
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:38,758
Steve, you've stopped crying.
270
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,749
Well, it's been four days.
271
00:12:40,874 --> 00:12:42,817
I ran out of tissues
and started using
272
00:12:42,942 --> 00:12:45,086
my handy tube sock to dry my tears.
273
00:12:45,211 --> 00:12:47,350
Think my eyes might be pregnant.
274
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:49,340
Anyway, Dad, it's time
to let Kisses go.
275
00:12:49,465 --> 00:12:51,342
There's no quality of
life for him anymore.
276
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:52,977
He's right, Stan.
277
00:12:53,102 --> 00:12:54,746
It's my dog, Dad.
278
00:12:54,871 --> 00:12:56,448
It's my call.
279
00:12:56,573 --> 00:12:59,284
Okay, Steve. Okay.
280
00:12:59,409 --> 00:13:00,702
Hey, yin-yangs.
281
00:13:00,827 --> 00:13:02,866
Steve, did you tell them
you want to pull the plug?
282
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,472
I at least want to be there when...
283
00:13:04,597 --> 00:13:06,241
Oh, my God, look at your hair.
284
00:13:06,366 --> 00:13:07,909
It's getting so long.
285
00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:11,203
How sweaty is your nape right now?
286
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:15,767
You're doing the right thing.
287
00:13:15,892 --> 00:13:17,702
Your husband was here earlier
288
00:13:17,827 --> 00:13:19,811
to say good-bye in private.
289
00:13:26,903 --> 00:13:28,329
Don't you worry, Kisses.
290
00:13:28,454 --> 00:13:30,381
Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you
right up.
291
00:13:30,506 --> 00:13:31,770
You like music?
292
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,773
My friend, Klaus, made us
a mix tape for the drive.
293
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,138
Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses.
294
00:13:37,263 --> 00:13:40,975
Hope this tape makes your
journey a little more rockin'.
295
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,962
♪ Sent a letter on a long summer day ♪
296
00:13:45,087 --> 00:13:49,287
♪ Made of silver, not of clay
297
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:54,522
♪ Oh, I've been running
down this dusty road ♪
298
00:13:54,647 --> 00:13:56,024
Klaus, you dick.
299
00:13:56,149 --> 00:14:00,006
♪ Oh, the wheel in the sky
keeps on turning... ♪
300
00:14:07,883 --> 00:14:09,176
Dr. Lizzy?
301
00:14:09,301 --> 00:14:10,728
My name is Stan Smith.
302
00:14:10,853 --> 00:14:12,663
My dog, Kisses, was crushed
303
00:14:12,788 --> 00:14:14,765
by a hot air balloon
full of pirate cats.
304
00:14:14,890 --> 00:14:16,667
Can you help me?
305
00:14:16,792 --> 00:14:18,235
Come in.
306
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,853
Thanks. Is it cool
that I parked there?
307
00:14:27,136 --> 00:14:29,463
Kisses is being prepped for surgery.
308
00:14:29,588 --> 00:14:31,182
He's going to be fine.
309
00:14:31,307 --> 00:14:33,184
You were stuck in what I like to call
310
00:14:33,309 --> 00:14:34,993
the "Western Pharma-cycle."
311
00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:37,471
Veterinarians give pets diseases,
312
00:14:37,596 --> 00:14:40,725
and then sell owners medicine
that cures those diseases,
313
00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:42,893
but gives them different diseases.
314
00:14:43,018 --> 00:14:44,729
Oh, it's a great business model...
315
00:14:44,854 --> 00:14:46,462
if you're the Devil!
316
00:14:59,919 --> 00:15:02,520
You have a beautiful laugh.
317
00:15:02,686 --> 00:15:05,132
So, you see, Patricia,
I'm remarried now,
318
00:15:05,257 --> 00:15:07,859
and we could really use
the Blues Traveler money.
319
00:15:08,025 --> 00:15:08,943
No way.
320
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,446
Okay, we thought you might resist,
321
00:15:11,653 --> 00:15:13,290
which is why we brought our lawyer.
322
00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:15,867
Bernie, do your thing.
323
00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:17,561
Alright, ma'am, I understand
324
00:15:17,686 --> 00:15:19,330
that you're determined
to keep the money.
325
00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:21,089
I just have one question.
326
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:24,034
Will you marry me?
What?!
327
00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,170
Yes! Yes, of course I ll!
328
00:15:26,295 --> 00:15:28,005
Bernie!
329
00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:30,441
You know he's just doing
this for the money.
330
00:15:30,566 --> 00:15:31,709
I know.
331
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,511
But we'll still have
lots of sex, right, Bern?
332
00:15:33,636 --> 00:15:34,635
Maybe.
333
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:37,180
Oh, my God.
334
00:15:37,429 --> 00:15:38,849
My baby's getting married!
335
00:15:38,974 --> 00:15:40,308
Jeff!
336
00:15:40,474 --> 00:15:41,986
We are paying for the wedding.
337
00:15:42,111 --> 00:15:44,038
I don't want to hear
another word about it.
338
00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:46,105
Thanks, Dad.
339
00:15:49,752 --> 00:15:51,095
Well?
340
00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:52,361
The procedure was a success.
341
00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:54,231
We saved Kisses.
342
00:15:54,356 --> 00:15:56,167
Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy!
343
00:15:56,292 --> 00:15:57,325
Can I see him?
344
00:15:57,491 --> 00:15:58,786
I'll do you one better.
345
00:15:58,911 --> 00:16:00,121
Call him.
346
00:16:00,246 --> 00:16:02,163
Kisses. Kisses.
347
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,440
It's Daddy.
348
00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:04,707
Come to Daddy. Come to...
349
00:16:12,975 --> 00:16:14,969
Well, what do you think?
350
00:16:15,094 --> 00:16:17,371
Where... where are his eyes?
351
00:16:17,496 --> 00:16:19,323
He was blinded by the accident,
352
00:16:19,448 --> 00:16:21,242
so I removed his eyeballs
353
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:23,761
and put them where his
testicles used to be.
354
00:16:23,886 --> 00:16:26,437
Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir.
355
00:16:26,603 --> 00:16:29,440
Is his head a...
a baseball mitt?
356
00:16:29,606 --> 00:16:31,368
Softball mitt.
357
00:16:31,493 --> 00:16:33,304
Know what I'm saying?
358
00:16:33,429 --> 00:16:35,005
A wink.
359
00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:37,791
Saying it without saying it.
360
00:16:37,916 --> 00:16:40,377
I like-a the ladies.
361
00:16:41,837 --> 00:16:45,039
This... this isn't how
I pictured he'd turn out.
362
00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:48,352
Stan, you wanted me
to keep Kisses alive, and I did.
363
00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:51,589
You told me to do anything
and everything I could.
364
00:16:51,714 --> 00:16:53,131
Did you not tell me that?
365
00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:55,133
No, I-I did. I did.
366
00:16:55,299 --> 00:16:56,260
Good.
367
00:16:56,385 --> 00:16:57,912
Now, here's the bill.
368
00:16:58,037 --> 00:17:00,114
$6,000?
369
00:17:00,239 --> 00:17:02,140
Well, I also fixed your car.
370
00:17:07,019 --> 00:17:09,924
Stan, this is the sixth
message I've left.
371
00:17:10,049 --> 00:17:12,426
Please call me when you get this.
372
00:17:12,551 --> 00:17:14,028
Hey, look what I found.
373
00:17:14,153 --> 00:17:15,229
My smile.
374
00:17:15,354 --> 00:17:16,597
You know where it was?
375
00:17:16,722 --> 00:17:18,365
Four minutes into The Today Show.
376
00:17:18,490 --> 00:17:21,135
Thank you, Al Roker,
for talking to those fat women
377
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:23,771
holding a banner that said
"Minnesota Cheese Queens."
378
00:17:23,896 --> 00:17:25,439
Oh, I'm worried about your father.
379
00:17:25,564 --> 00:17:28,008
He was just so
distraught over Kisses,
380
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:29,627
God knows what he'll...
381
00:17:29,752 --> 00:17:31,795
Stan, where have you been?
382
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,298
Doing what none of you
thought could be done.
383
00:17:34,423 --> 00:17:36,007
I saved Kisses.
384
00:17:36,173 --> 00:17:38,135
Okay, I don't know what you did,
385
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:41,596
but all Kisses needs is to
be put out of his misery.
386
00:17:41,762 --> 00:17:44,074
Misery? You call this misery?
387
00:17:44,199 --> 00:17:45,409
Kisses, come on, boy.
388
00:17:56,193 --> 00:17:57,621
Oh, my God!
389
00:17:57,746 --> 00:17:59,740
Please kill this dog!
390
00:17:59,865 --> 00:18:02,533
End this!
391
00:18:02,699 --> 00:18:04,061
I know he's initially
hard to look at,
392
00:18:04,186 --> 00:18:05,536
but it's still Kisses.
393
00:18:05,702 --> 00:18:06,897
Look deep into his eyes,
394
00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:08,933
which are now his
balls, and you'll see.
395
00:18:09,058 --> 00:18:12,486
Okay, whatever that is,
it's not Kisses.
396
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,528
Don't listen to her, Kisses.
397
00:18:21,653 --> 00:18:23,388
You're still Daddy's little fella.
398
00:18:27,693 --> 00:18:29,687
Is that Kisses?
399
00:18:29,812 --> 00:18:32,006
Oh, my God.
Oh, no!
400
00:18:32,131 --> 00:18:33,941
No, now, this dog I like.
401
00:18:34,066 --> 00:18:35,583
He can stay.
402
00:18:44,343 --> 00:18:46,127
♪
403
00:18:51,748 --> 00:18:52,792
Freddy!
404
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:55,052
Hop in, Stan.
405
00:19:00,132 --> 00:19:01,235
Where are we?
406
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:02,903
This is Heaven.
407
00:19:03,028 --> 00:19:04,720
Grab me something cold, will you?
408
00:19:04,886 --> 00:19:07,315
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah. Come on, bro.
409
00:19:11,810 --> 00:19:13,147
Look, Stan, this nonsense
410
00:19:13,272 --> 00:19:15,182
you got going on with
Kisses isn't right.
411
00:19:15,307 --> 00:19:16,900
But Dr. Lizzy said that...
412
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,536
Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay?
413
00:19:19,661 --> 00:19:20,971
Look, take it from another dog.
414
00:19:21,096 --> 00:19:23,040
If Kisses can't run and play and do
415
00:19:23,165 --> 00:19:25,642
all that crap we like,
then what's the point?
416
00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:27,845
Maybe...
417
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:29,446
I don't know.
418
00:19:29,571 --> 00:19:32,016
Stan, let Kisses go.
419
00:19:32,141 --> 00:19:35,386
Saving him won't bring me back.
420
00:19:40,349 --> 00:19:41,625
Yeah.
421
00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:43,027
Yeah, you're right.
422
00:19:43,152 --> 00:19:44,928
It's okay, man.
423
00:19:45,053 --> 00:19:46,988
You want to drive?
424
00:19:52,995 --> 00:19:54,795
I got to quit these things.
425
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:58,008
I got to quit these things, too.
426
00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,576
But I can't.
427
00:19:59,701 --> 00:20:02,503
I got too much of my dad in me.
428
00:20:04,690 --> 00:20:06,467
All right, Kisses. You ready?
429
00:20:06,592 --> 00:20:08,936
Three, two, one.
430
00:20:13,163 --> 00:20:14,491
Stan!
431
00:20:14,616 --> 00:20:16,334
I blew up Kisses with dynamite.
432
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,252
What? Why?
433
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,330
Because of Freddy.
434
00:20:20,455 --> 00:20:22,356
Because of you, Freddy.
435
00:20:25,444 --> 00:20:26,920
This is nice.
436
00:20:29,221 --> 00:20:32,209
Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks
the new guy is cute.
437
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:33,434
Penny!
438
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,113
You're going to do just fine here.
439
00:20:51,243 --> 00:20:53,764
Yeah, you got to kill
those sometimes.
440
00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:55,640
♪
441
00:20:57,832 --> 00:21:05,803
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com