1
00:00:00,102 --> 00:00:03,871
- Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!
2
00:00:04,056 --> 00:00:06,418
Hi, Percival!
3
00:00:06,419 --> 00:00:08,394
- Hi.
- Hey.
4
00:00:08,872 --> 00:00:12,131
Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?
5
00:00:12,131 --> 00:00:13,548
Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus
6
00:00:13,576 --> 00:00:15,076
in our church's nativity play.
7
00:00:15,077 --> 00:00:17,445
Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,
8
00:00:17,446 --> 00:00:18,868
and I was in charge of casting.
9
00:00:18,868 --> 00:00:20,786
I digitized
my entire movie collection.
10
00:00:20,958 --> 00:00:22,408
Goodbye, VHS.
11
00:00:22,401 --> 00:00:25,253
Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.
12
00:00:25,253 --> 00:00:27,486
I'm very psyched
for the new semester.
13
00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:31,390
Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.
14
00:00:31,391 --> 00:00:32,618
[All groan]
The worst.
15
00:00:32,618 --> 00:00:35,032
For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose
16
00:00:35,097 --> 00:00:36,848
a fellow student
with something.
17
00:00:36,849 --> 00:00:38,583
Don't you do way too much
of that already?
18
00:00:38,584 --> 00:00:40,919
Accusational opposition
disorder.
19
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,270
Hello.
20
00:00:42,271 --> 00:00:43,588
[All gasp]
Whoa.
21
00:00:43,589 --> 00:00:45,390
It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger
22
00:00:45,391 --> 00:00:46,391
has a new swagger.
23
00:00:46,392 --> 00:00:47,609
I'll explain.
24
00:00:47,610 --> 00:00:49,310
Over break, I took the plunge
25
00:00:49,311 --> 00:00:50,728
and started seeing
a new shrink.
26
00:00:50,729 --> 00:00:52,030
What? Hello!
27
00:00:52,031 --> 00:00:54,632
Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,
28
00:00:54,633 --> 00:00:55,900
punched a few pillows.
29
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:58,703
And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.
30
00:00:58,704 --> 00:01:01,272
It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.
31
00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:02,624
I explained that really well.
32
00:01:02,625 --> 00:01:05,543
Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.
33
00:01:05,544 --> 00:01:07,996
What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing
34
00:01:07,997 --> 00:01:09,780
keeping your ego penned in.
35
00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:12,317
You are a textbook narcissist.
36
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,452
I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.
37
00:01:14,453 --> 00:01:16,971
Oh, excuse me.
38
00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:18,628
I didn't kill my wife!
39
00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:22,024
I don't care.
40
00:01:27,778 --> 00:01:30,113
Stop that fugitive!
41
00:01:30,122 --> 00:01:31,591
I was wondering
how long it would take
44
00:01:34,306 --> 00:01:35,940
celebrity impersonators
from a service
45
00:01:35,941 --> 00:01:37,592
for his own personal use.
46
00:01:37,593 --> 00:01:39,531
He's been doing it...
a lot.
47
00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:40,616
He's not hurting anybody.
48
00:01:40,616 --> 00:01:42,143
He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.
49
00:01:42,198 --> 00:01:43,651
It's unquestionably awesome.
50
00:01:43,651 --> 00:01:45,300
I question it.
He spent New Year's
51
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,831
locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.
52
00:01:47,861 --> 00:01:48,955
Abed was the volleyball?
53
00:01:48,955 --> 00:01:50,865
- Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!
54
00:01:50,923 --> 00:01:52,423
Where's he getting the money
for all this?
55
00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:54,509
Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.
56
00:01:54,510 --> 00:01:56,511
No! You guys need
to stop intervening.
57
00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,329
You seriously have a problem.
58
00:01:58,330 --> 00:02:00,765
- I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.
59
00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:02,267
Freeze!
[Tranquilizer gunshot]
60
00:02:02,268 --> 00:02:03,834
[Alarmed cries]
61
00:02:03,835 --> 00:02:06,020
Chang, they're just acting!
62
00:02:06,021 --> 00:02:08,566
- Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?
63
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,860
- Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.
64
00:02:11,861 --> 00:02:15,513
♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪
65
00:02:15,514 --> 00:02:18,849
♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪
66
00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:22,203
♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪
67
00:02:22,204 --> 00:02:26,324
♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪
68
00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:31,296
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
69
00:02:31,296 --> 00:02:35,321
♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪
70
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:38,148
3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists
Sync and correction by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
71
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:39,977
Resync for 2HD by Norther
72
00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,954
What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?
73
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:44,893
If you had hit a small student,
74
00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:46,311
they could have died!
75
00:02:46,312 --> 00:02:47,495
I wouldn't do that.
76
00:02:47,496 --> 00:02:49,013
I have a heavy flashlight
for them.
77
00:02:49,014 --> 00:02:50,315
Oh, Ben!
78
00:02:50,316 --> 00:02:53,318
Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.
79
00:02:53,319 --> 00:02:55,386
I'm a one-man army.
80
00:02:55,387 --> 00:02:56,887
You won't let me have
any guards.
81
00:02:56,888 --> 00:02:58,256
We're broke, Ben!
82
00:02:58,257 --> 00:02:59,958
We now get 80%
of our electricity
83
00:02:59,959 --> 00:03:02,827
from the apartment building
across the street.
84
00:03:04,447 --> 00:03:05,531
Okay...
85
00:03:05,581 --> 00:03:08,283
I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,
86
00:03:08,284 --> 00:03:10,084
but all you're making
me feel right now
87
00:03:10,085 --> 00:03:14,122
is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
88
00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:17,008
Look, maybe you can
bring on some students
89
00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:18,426
as security interns.
90
00:03:18,427 --> 00:03:19,711
I'll let you offer them
a credit
91
00:03:19,712 --> 00:03:22,079
in safety or math
or something.
92
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,464
Thank you, sir.
93
00:03:23,465 --> 00:03:26,184
You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.
94
00:03:26,185 --> 00:03:29,053
I don't know why
I said that. Bye.
95
00:03:29,054 --> 00:03:32,089
Huh! Tah!
96
00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:36,978
Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
97
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,732
Jeff. Jeff!
98
00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,099
I looked it up.
I was right.
99
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,484
Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?
100
00:03:43,485 --> 00:03:44,769
I looked it up too.
Weird.
101
00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,604
No, those meds you're taking.
102
00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:49,273
Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,
103
00:03:49,274 --> 00:03:52,877
you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.
104
00:03:52,878 --> 00:03:55,413
Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.
105
00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:58,449
Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,
106
00:03:58,450 --> 00:04:00,551
taking over
your whole personality,
107
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,504
making you
an uncontrollable monster.
108
00:04:03,505 --> 00:04:05,590
Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?
109
00:04:05,591 --> 00:04:06,891
Imagine it expanding?
110
00:04:06,892 --> 00:04:08,393
- Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.
111
00:04:08,394 --> 00:04:10,127
Why are you trying
to take this away from me?
112
00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:11,763
I like having no anxiety.
113
00:04:11,764 --> 00:04:12,897
I'm in harmony with the world.
114
00:04:12,898 --> 00:04:14,432
Looking good, Winger.
115
00:04:14,433 --> 00:04:16,184
Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,
116
00:04:16,185 --> 00:04:18,636
and for your service
to this country.
117
00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:20,471
I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off
118
00:04:20,472 --> 00:04:21,939
I never dreamed possible.
119
00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:24,975
Look. Aviators.
120
00:04:24,976 --> 00:04:26,744
Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.
121
00:04:26,745 --> 00:04:29,614
I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.
122
00:04:29,615 --> 00:04:30,782
And until they're out
of your system,
123
00:04:30,783 --> 00:04:32,650
stay away from
flattering situations...
124
00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:35,820
weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.
125
00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:37,321
And take those off!
126
00:04:37,322 --> 00:04:38,406
Because they make me look good?
127
00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:39,957
That's not relevant.
128
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:41,959
Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...
129
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,494
Uhh... uhh... unh!
130
00:04:43,495 --> 00:04:44,846
[Gasping]
131
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:47,164
Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!
132
00:04:47,165 --> 00:04:49,300
Look at his shadow!
133
00:04:49,301 --> 00:04:52,637
[Gasps, spasms]
134
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,308
Security internship available.
135
00:04:57,309 --> 00:04:59,777
Come on, see the world.
136
00:04:59,778 --> 00:05:01,946
Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!
137
00:05:03,198 --> 00:05:06,067
- Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.
138
00:05:06,068 --> 00:05:07,869
Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,
139
00:05:07,870 --> 00:05:09,237
the celebrity impersonator
service I use.
140
00:05:09,238 --> 00:05:10,321
You look familiar.
141
00:05:10,322 --> 00:05:12,407
That's how we all get started
in this racket.
142
00:05:12,408 --> 00:05:14,042
But at a certain point,
if you're smart,
143
00:05:14,043 --> 00:05:16,377
you move up to management
before the gold mine
144
00:05:16,378 --> 00:05:18,696
of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.
145
00:05:18,697 --> 00:05:20,531
- Ah...
- French Stewart...
146
00:05:20,532 --> 00:05:21,916
And speaking of gold mines,
147
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,534
you owe me three grand, pal.
148
00:05:23,535 --> 00:05:24,635
Cool.
Put it on my account.
149
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:26,301
What do I look like, a sucker?
150
00:05:26,301 --> 00:05:27,675
French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.
151
00:05:27,706 --> 00:05:29,340
Well, you know what,
you better get it.
152
00:05:29,341 --> 00:05:31,375
Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...
153
00:05:31,376 --> 00:05:33,711
Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.
154
00:05:33,712 --> 00:05:35,012
Very kind.
Thank you.
155
00:05:35,013 --> 00:05:37,899
You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.
156
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,984
You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.
157
00:05:39,985 --> 00:05:41,819
You're actually more handsome
than the guy
158
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:42,854
that's famous
for being handsome.
159
00:05:42,855 --> 00:05:45,523
[Grunts]
Jeff?
160
00:05:48,393 --> 00:05:49,560
[Groans]
161
00:05:49,561 --> 00:05:53,865
You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.
162
00:05:53,866 --> 00:05:55,700
You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.
163
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:57,702
I've got a big event saturday.
164
00:05:57,703 --> 00:05:59,570
Needs a lot of bodies, huh?
165
00:05:59,571 --> 00:06:02,039
And I see some
high-value faces here.
166
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,040
Got an Oprah.
167
00:06:03,041 --> 00:06:04,542
- Oh!
- And sitting next to her
168
00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:06,761
is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.
169
00:06:06,762 --> 00:06:08,379
Add a few extra teeth.
170
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,881
Wow, this is rare.
171
00:06:09,882 --> 00:06:13,050
Both versions
of Michael Jackson.
172
00:06:13,051 --> 00:06:14,218
And you...
173
00:06:14,219 --> 00:06:15,336
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
174
00:06:15,337 --> 00:06:16,521
- What?
- What?
175
00:06:16,522 --> 00:06:17,522
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
176
00:06:17,523 --> 00:06:18,523
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
177
00:06:18,524 --> 00:06:20,525
Look, if you guys work
this gig for me
178
00:06:20,526 --> 00:06:22,560
for six hours,
we'll call it even.
179
00:06:22,561 --> 00:06:23,978
Sounds fun.
180
00:06:23,979 --> 00:06:26,430
Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?
181
00:06:26,431 --> 00:06:28,032
Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks
182
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,283
looks just like Quincy Jones.
183
00:06:29,284 --> 00:06:30,401
- Get out.
- Seriously.
184
00:06:30,402 --> 00:06:31,652
Guys, I'm sorry,
185
00:06:31,653 --> 00:06:33,237
but this is where
we have to put our foot down.
186
00:06:33,238 --> 00:06:34,539
Well, she has a point.
187
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:36,741
Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,
188
00:06:36,742 --> 00:06:38,075
and then he'll hit rock bottom
189
00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:39,577
and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.
190
00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:40,628
I say we let this play out.
191
00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:42,213
I'd love to help,
192
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:43,965
but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party
193
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:45,833
may not be a safe
situation for me.
194
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:48,118
We could actually hurt Abed
195
00:06:48,119 --> 00:06:49,670
if every time he faces reality,
196
00:06:49,671 --> 00:06:51,889
we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.
197
00:06:51,890 --> 00:06:53,891
Shame on you people.
198
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:56,377
It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.
199
00:06:56,378 --> 00:06:57,979
Abed doesn't need reality.
200
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:00,398
Abed is a magical,
elf-like man
201
00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:02,183
who makes us all more magical
202
00:07:02,184 --> 00:07:03,534
by being near us.
203
00:07:03,535 --> 00:07:05,353
Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night
204
00:07:05,354 --> 00:07:06,604
that time you forgot how to
fart?
205
00:07:06,605 --> 00:07:07,972
- Abed.
- Shirley...
206
00:07:07,973 --> 00:07:09,323
Who got you a DVD
of Precious,
207
00:07:09,324 --> 00:07:11,025
based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,
208
00:07:11,026 --> 00:07:13,744
and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?
209
00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:15,112
Abed.
210
00:07:15,113 --> 00:07:17,481
All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.
211
00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:19,667
And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.
212
00:07:19,668 --> 00:07:21,118
Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,
213
00:07:21,119 --> 00:07:23,454
and it's time to get real?
214
00:07:23,455 --> 00:07:25,590
For shame!
215
00:07:25,591 --> 00:07:28,292
He's right.
Sorry, Troy.
216
00:07:28,293 --> 00:07:29,660
Hey, guys.
217
00:07:29,661 --> 00:07:32,113
Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.
218
00:07:32,114 --> 00:07:33,631
It'll be a good time.
219
00:07:33,632 --> 00:07:35,332
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
220
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,435
- Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.
221
00:07:37,436 --> 00:07:38,686
- See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.
222
00:07:38,687 --> 00:07:41,939
- Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.
223
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,641
Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.
224
00:07:43,642 --> 00:07:46,027
Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.
225
00:07:46,028 --> 00:07:48,029
Um, if you guys mess this up,
226
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:50,231
then his debt is overdue.
227
00:07:50,232 --> 00:07:52,349
And I don't send another bill.
228
00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:54,785
No, I send two guys
that look a lot
229
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:57,071
like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.
230
00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:59,523
And they do
a very convincing impression
231
00:07:59,524 --> 00:08:02,793
of breaking your friend's legs.
232
00:08:02,794 --> 00:08:05,880
Their secret is...
They actually break them.
233
00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:13,746
All right, impersonators,
234
00:08:13,747 --> 00:08:16,172
our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,
235
00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:17,479
who,
according to the Talmud,
236
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,843
just became a man.
But I have to say,
237
00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:21,804
I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.
238
00:08:21,854 --> 00:08:23,622
- Ha!
- Ground rules...
239
00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:25,873
Do stay in your
assigned quadrants
240
00:08:25,874 --> 00:08:28,042
quoting lines from movies
you are positive
241
00:08:28,043 --> 00:08:30,027
that your impersonatee was in.
242
00:08:30,028 --> 00:08:32,296
Do not leave your quadrant,
243
00:08:32,297 --> 00:08:34,531
burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.
244
00:08:34,532 --> 00:08:36,700
The obvious exception
being James,
245
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:37,868
our resident Walter Matthau.
246
00:08:37,869 --> 00:08:39,170
How you doing, Jimmy?
[Belches]
247
00:08:39,171 --> 00:08:41,505
Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.
248
00:08:41,506 --> 00:08:45,542
- All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.
249
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:47,678
Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.
250
00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:49,313
Jeff, do not wear that.
251
00:08:49,314 --> 00:08:51,548
Aw, zip it, white Jacko.
252
00:08:51,549 --> 00:08:54,318
Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,
253
00:08:54,319 --> 00:08:56,437
so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.
254
00:08:56,438 --> 00:08:58,356
What?
Jeff, that's insane!
255
00:08:58,357 --> 00:09:00,524
I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,
256
00:09:00,525 --> 00:09:02,326
it seemed like a great idea.
257
00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:04,912
- Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!
258
00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:06,197
Britta, stop arguing.
259
00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:07,498
If you have anything else
to say,
260
00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:09,450
say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.
261
00:09:09,451 --> 00:09:11,073
[High-pitched voice]
Jeff is in grave danger.
262
00:09:11,073 --> 00:09:12,340
Hee-hee!
263
00:09:14,673 --> 00:09:16,507
Uh, may I help you?
264
00:09:16,508 --> 00:09:19,009
I'm one of the impersonators.
265
00:09:19,010 --> 00:09:23,431
- Which one?
- Do I have to say it?
266
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,049
Burt Reynolds.
267
00:09:25,050 --> 00:09:27,301
Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you
268
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:28,585
to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
269
00:09:28,586 --> 00:09:30,721
- Why not?
- Do I have to say it?
270
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:45,419
- May I help you?
- I'm Brando.
271
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:47,655
Hmm...
272
00:09:47,656 --> 00:09:49,606
Could be under "fat."
273
00:09:49,607 --> 00:09:52,293
Ah. Oh.
274
00:09:52,294 --> 00:09:53,794
[Chuckles]
Totally.
275
00:09:53,795 --> 00:09:57,248
Go on in.
[Chuckles]
276
00:09:57,249 --> 00:09:58,916
Bam.
277
00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,726
Abed, get back to your station.
278
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,503
I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.
279
00:10:02,503 --> 00:10:04,060
Abed, we have to do this right
280
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:05,110
or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.
281
00:10:05,173 --> 00:10:06,290
Troy, who cares about money?
282
00:10:06,291 --> 00:10:07,925
Look around.
This is why we're alive.
283
00:10:07,926 --> 00:10:10,428
Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.
284
00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:14,715
I was so sad to hear
of your passing.
285
00:10:14,716 --> 00:10:16,650
Me too.
286
00:10:16,651 --> 00:10:20,354
Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?
287
00:10:20,355 --> 00:10:22,440
Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks
288
00:10:22,441 --> 00:10:23,607
when your brother's a rabbi.
289
00:10:23,608 --> 00:10:25,526
He throws me some
private security gigs
290
00:10:25,527 --> 00:10:27,111
at the events he officiates.
291
00:10:27,112 --> 00:10:29,530
They can get really intense
sometimes.
292
00:10:29,531 --> 00:10:32,983
Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?
293
00:10:32,984 --> 00:10:34,985
Now smile.
294
00:10:34,986 --> 00:10:37,872
Why is he out of his quadrant?
295
00:10:39,875 --> 00:10:41,992
[Fake voice]
I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
296
00:10:41,993 --> 00:10:44,195
- He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.
297
00:10:44,196 --> 00:10:45,513
What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis
298
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,214
and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
299
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:49,133
See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you
300
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:51,435
because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.
301
00:10:51,436 --> 00:10:54,054
Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched
302
00:10:54,055 --> 00:10:56,673
with Jamie Lee Curtis',
303
00:10:56,674 --> 00:10:59,193
and they give each other
piggyback rides.
304
00:10:59,194 --> 00:11:00,394
[Scoffs]
305
00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:02,012
I can't believe...
did you go to college?
306
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:04,315
Yes. No.
307
00:11:04,316 --> 00:11:05,516
Whatever. Keep working.
308
00:11:05,517 --> 00:11:08,502
[Rock music playing
in background]
309
00:11:08,503 --> 00:11:12,573
♪
310
00:11:12,574 --> 00:11:16,293
Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!
311
00:11:16,294 --> 00:11:17,578
Would you look at this one.
312
00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:19,463
He's like a Robert Redford.
313
00:11:19,464 --> 00:11:22,416
No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.
314
00:11:22,417 --> 00:11:24,668
[Remembering] It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome
315
00:11:24,669 --> 00:11:28,138
than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.
316
00:11:32,644 --> 00:11:36,597
Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.
317
00:11:36,598 --> 00:11:39,216
- Who wants to hold it?
- Me!
318
00:11:39,217 --> 00:11:41,885
- That's so cool.
- Awesome.
319
00:11:41,886 --> 00:11:44,121
Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.
320
00:11:44,122 --> 00:11:46,723
[Pop, pop, pop]
321
00:11:48,910 --> 00:11:52,696
Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?
322
00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:54,014
- Sure!
- Right!
323
00:11:54,015 --> 00:11:55,449
[Chuckles]
324
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:01,622
Look, man,
if you have a request,
325
00:12:01,623 --> 00:12:03,524
not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.
326
00:12:03,525 --> 00:12:04,959
You look like a friend of mine.
327
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,544
You're friends with Moby?
328
00:12:06,545 --> 00:12:09,813
[Pop, pop, pop,
soldiers chanting]
329
00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:12,749
[Pop, pop, pop]
330
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:15,752
[Bell chimes]
331
00:12:15,753 --> 00:12:18,889
♪
332
00:12:18,890 --> 00:12:21,358
- Jeff!
- Oh!
333
00:12:21,359 --> 00:12:24,478
[Gasps]
I haven't been dipped like that
334
00:12:24,479 --> 00:12:26,313
since my last divorce.
335
00:12:26,314 --> 00:12:28,098
Britta, you were right.
336
00:12:28,099 --> 00:12:30,601
I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!
337
00:12:30,602 --> 00:12:31,819
Okay, listen to me.
338
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,455
You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?
339
00:12:34,456 --> 00:12:35,939
You have bad posture.
340
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,742
When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.
341
00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:40,995
The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.
342
00:12:40,996 --> 00:12:43,464
You were emotionally
closed off in bed
343
00:12:43,465 --> 00:12:45,249
to the point where
one time, I didn't come up
344
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,835
because I couldn't find
close enough parking.
345
00:12:47,836 --> 00:12:50,638
You have an unusually high
butt crack.
346
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,791
Thank you.
347
00:12:53,792 --> 00:12:55,509
It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.
348
00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,261
We are getting you out of here.
349
00:12:57,262 --> 00:12:59,463
Get back to your quadrant.
Now!
350
00:12:59,464 --> 00:13:00,931
Britta!
351
00:13:00,932 --> 00:13:03,133
Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.
352
00:13:03,134 --> 00:13:06,904
If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.
353
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:10,382
There's awards?
354
00:13:12,979 --> 00:13:15,138
Ladies and non-gentilemen,
355
00:13:15,139 --> 00:13:18,275
welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.
356
00:13:18,276 --> 00:13:19,860
Here to present the first award
357
00:13:19,861 --> 00:13:22,629
are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.
358
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:25,315
You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.
359
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:26,983
It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.
360
00:13:26,984 --> 00:13:28,618
And that's why
it's so important
361
00:13:28,619 --> 00:13:30,871
to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.
362
00:13:30,872 --> 00:13:35,158
The winner for
best math student is...
363
00:13:35,159 --> 00:13:36,259
Howie Schwartz.
364
00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:40,680
[Applause]
365
00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:45,769
Wow, these things are heavy.
[Laughter]
366
00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:49,139
The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
367
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:50,273
[Applause]
368
00:13:50,274 --> 00:13:54,611
Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!
369
00:13:54,612 --> 00:13:58,114
Best Halo score...
Howie Schwartz!
370
00:13:58,115 --> 00:14:00,734
[Applause]
371
00:14:00,992 --> 00:14:03,126
If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award
372
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,071
for most handsome young man.
373
00:14:05,072 --> 00:14:08,744
Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.
374
00:14:08,744 --> 00:14:10,869
Jeff, I think
that we should go.
375
00:14:10,944 --> 00:14:14,380
There's an award
for most handsome young man!
376
00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:16,749
Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege
377
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:19,919
as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...
378
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,771
most handsome young man.
379
00:14:21,772 --> 00:14:23,223
Aww...
380
00:14:23,224 --> 00:14:26,893
And the winner is...
381
00:14:26,894 --> 00:14:29,295
[Shouting]
Howie Schwartz!
382
00:14:29,296 --> 00:14:32,298
Nooo!
383
00:14:36,103 --> 00:14:38,271
[Pained groan]
384
00:14:38,272 --> 00:14:41,074
[Jeff growling,
people screaming]
385
00:14:41,075 --> 00:14:45,078
Aah!
386
00:14:46,914 --> 00:14:49,232
[Crowd booing]
387
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:50,617
[Growling continues]
388
00:14:50,618 --> 00:14:54,170
Look at me!
Look at meee!
389
00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:56,989
No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!
390
00:14:56,990 --> 00:14:58,208
Oh!
[Crowd gasps]
391
00:14:58,209 --> 00:15:00,243
Oh, God, no!
392
00:15:00,244 --> 00:15:03,062
- What the hell?
- You wanted it!
393
00:15:03,063 --> 00:15:05,765
You all want it!
394
00:15:05,766 --> 00:15:08,268
Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!
395
00:15:08,269 --> 00:15:11,504
Aaahh!
[Boys shouting]
396
00:15:11,505 --> 00:15:12,939
- Rargh!
- Aah!
397
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:15,858
- Grr!
- Ow!
398
00:15:15,859 --> 00:15:19,929
Ah!
[Woman screams]
399
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:22,448
Unh! Grr!
Ha!
400
00:15:22,449 --> 00:15:24,350
[Growling continues]
401
00:15:24,351 --> 00:15:27,820
[People screaming]
402
00:15:30,491 --> 00:15:33,723
I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
403
00:15:40,668 --> 00:15:44,203
You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
404
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:47,063
Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
[Belches]
405
00:15:47,064 --> 00:15:50,109
[Dance music playing]
406
00:15:53,814 --> 00:15:56,316
Boogie Nights.
407
00:15:56,317 --> 00:16:00,853
You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?
408
00:16:00,854 --> 00:16:03,656
I'll take it.
409
00:16:10,781 --> 00:16:13,166
Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?
410
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:14,484
Tell me who they looked like!
411
00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:15,952
[A la Robin Williams]
Doc, doc! Who's there?
412
00:16:15,953 --> 00:16:18,121
It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.
413
00:16:18,122 --> 00:16:20,373
Ha ha ha. Hey.
[Abed chuckles]
414
00:16:20,374 --> 00:16:21,791
Laughter's the best medicine.
415
00:16:21,792 --> 00:16:24,177
What are...
what are you doing?
416
00:16:24,178 --> 00:16:26,629
I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.
417
00:16:26,630 --> 00:16:28,563
Not you.
418
00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:33,085
So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,
419
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:35,188
and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?
420
00:16:35,189 --> 00:16:38,424
It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.
421
00:16:38,425 --> 00:16:39,592
[A la Popeye]
Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.
422
00:16:39,593 --> 00:16:42,428
Get him some spinach.
423
00:16:42,429 --> 00:16:44,332
I'm Olive Oyl.
424
00:16:48,822 --> 00:16:51,206
Get out!
425
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:13,226
Are you mad at me?
426
00:17:13,227 --> 00:17:15,628
- No.
- Cool.
427
00:17:15,629 --> 00:17:16,612
I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium
428
00:17:16,613 --> 00:17:18,014
and play
Inspector Spacetime.
429
00:17:18,015 --> 00:17:20,900
Have fun.
430
00:17:25,155 --> 00:17:27,990
- Abed.
- Yeah?
431
00:17:27,991 --> 00:17:31,411
Come here.
432
00:17:37,184 --> 00:17:38,451
I am mad at you.
433
00:17:38,452 --> 00:17:40,153
You said you weren't.
We never lie.
434
00:17:40,154 --> 00:17:41,754
- I know.
- We made a deal.
435
00:17:41,755 --> 00:17:43,742
October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.
436
00:17:43,743 --> 00:17:45,992
I know! I lied.
437
00:17:45,993 --> 00:17:47,777
Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,
438
00:17:47,778 --> 00:17:49,078
and I don't want to be
one of those people.
439
00:17:49,079 --> 00:17:50,630
- Then don't be.
- I have to be.
440
00:17:50,631 --> 00:17:52,582
You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.
441
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:54,684
Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.
442
00:17:54,685 --> 00:17:56,536
I had to work really hard
to help you.
443
00:17:56,537 --> 00:17:57,520
But that's what you wanted
to do.
444
00:17:57,521 --> 00:17:58,971
Yes.
445
00:17:58,972 --> 00:18:00,940
But I can't do
what I want to do?
446
00:18:00,941 --> 00:18:02,308
I guess not.
Not all the time.
447
00:18:02,309 --> 00:18:03,826
Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust
448
00:18:03,827 --> 00:18:06,162
- that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.
449
00:18:06,163 --> 00:18:07,663
Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust
450
00:18:07,664 --> 00:18:09,866
that you're gonna have
to trust me.
451
00:18:12,169 --> 00:18:16,406
Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...
452
00:18:16,407 --> 00:18:19,617
I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.
453
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,235
Still best friends?
454
00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:24,493
Yeah.
455
00:18:25,966 --> 00:18:28,033
Still best friends.
Always.
456
00:18:28,034 --> 00:18:30,035
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
457
00:18:30,036 --> 00:18:31,537
You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?
458
00:18:31,538 --> 00:18:33,389
Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,
459
00:18:33,390 --> 00:18:34,540
if that's okay.
460
00:18:34,541 --> 00:18:37,710
Cool. Okay.
461
00:18:37,711 --> 00:18:40,313
Cool.
462
00:18:40,314 --> 00:18:44,717
[The Lonely Man theme
playing]
463
00:18:44,718 --> 00:18:46,602
Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!
464
00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:51,390
Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
465
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,159
[Horn honking]
466
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,580
I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
467
00:18:57,581 --> 00:19:01,083
You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.
468
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:03,903
[Car pulling up]
469
00:19:03,904 --> 00:19:07,039
[Horn tooting]
470
00:19:07,958 --> 00:19:11,060
[Engine shuts off]
471
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,134
You okay?
472
00:19:18,135 --> 00:19:21,253
No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.
473
00:19:21,254 --> 00:19:22,421
I'm a bad person.
474
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,357
What you're feeling
is called shame.
475
00:19:24,358 --> 00:19:25,758
It means you're getting better.
476
00:19:25,759 --> 00:19:29,762
You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.
477
00:19:29,763 --> 00:19:32,949
Um, I was thinking...
478
00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:36,486
You know that person that you
study for your psych class?
479
00:19:36,487 --> 00:19:38,771
Maybe that should be me.
480
00:19:38,772 --> 00:19:40,289
Uh-uh. No way.
481
00:19:40,290 --> 00:19:42,909
You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.
482
00:19:42,910 --> 00:19:45,161
I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.
483
00:19:45,162 --> 00:19:47,279
Like Abed.
484
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,281
[Machinery whirring]
485
00:19:53,954 --> 00:19:57,623
[Spaceship engines rumbling]
486
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:07,950
Hi, Abed.
487
00:20:09,987 --> 00:20:12,722
- Hi.
- Where's Troy?
488
00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:14,657
In the other room.
489
00:20:14,658 --> 00:20:15,992
That's okay.
There are many advantages
490
00:20:15,993 --> 00:20:17,210
of traveling by yourself.
491
00:20:17,211 --> 00:20:19,245
You can drive faster,
change direction.
492
00:20:19,246 --> 00:20:20,947
And the only pee breaks
are yours.
493
00:20:20,948 --> 00:20:25,117
- Are you real?
- Are you?
494
00:20:25,118 --> 00:20:26,252
This is really crazy.
495
00:20:26,253 --> 00:20:27,620
And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.
496
00:20:27,621 --> 00:20:30,756
Maybe to them,
but not to us.
497
00:20:30,757 --> 00:20:33,843
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
498
00:20:33,844 --> 00:20:36,412
Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.
499
00:20:36,413 --> 00:20:39,415
[Suspenseful music]
500
00:20:47,877 --> 00:20:50,895
[Military bugle fanfare]
501
00:21:02,663 --> 00:21:04,118
Gentlemen...
502
00:21:04,118 --> 00:21:06,849
Who's ready to chang
the world?
503
00:21:06,851 --> 00:21:11,197
Chang! Chang! Chang!
504
00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:15,295
Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!
505
00:21:15,296 --> 00:21:16,896
All hail Chang!