1
00:00:00,102 --> 00:00:03,871
- Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!
2
00:00:04,056 --> 00:00:06,418
Hi, Percival!
3
00:00:06,419 --> 00:00:08,394
- Hi.
- Hey.
4
00:00:08,872 --> 00:00:12,131
Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?
5
00:00:12,131 --> 00:00:13,548
Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus
6
00:00:13,576 --> 00:00:15,076
in our church's nativity play.
7
00:00:15,077 --> 00:00:17,445
Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,
8
00:00:17,446 --> 00:00:18,866
and I was in charge of casting.
9
00:00:18,867 --> 00:00:20,786
I digitized
my entire movie collection.
10
00:00:20,958 --> 00:00:22,400
Goodbye, VHS.
11
00:00:22,401 --> 00:00:25,253
Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.
12
00:00:25,253 --> 00:00:27,486
I'm very psyched
for the new semester.
13
00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:31,390
Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.
14
00:00:31,391 --> 00:00:32,618
The worst.
15
00:00:32,618 --> 00:00:35,032
For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose
16
00:00:35,097 --> 00:00:36,848
a fellow student
with something.
17
00:00:36,849 --> 00:00:38,583
Don't you do way too much
of that already?
18
00:00:38,584 --> 00:00:40,919
Accusational opposition
disorder.
19
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,270
Hello.
20
00:00:42,271 --> 00:00:43,588
Whoa.
21
00:00:43,589 --> 00:00:45,390
It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger
22
00:00:45,391 --> 00:00:46,391
has a new swagger.
23
00:00:46,392 --> 00:00:47,609
I'll explain.
24
00:00:47,610 --> 00:00:49,310
Over break, I took the plunge
25
00:00:49,311 --> 00:00:50,728
and started seeing
a new shrink.
26
00:00:50,729 --> 00:00:52,030
What? Hello!
27
00:00:52,031 --> 00:00:54,632
Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,
28
00:00:54,633 --> 00:00:55,900
punched a few pillows.
29
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:58,703
And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.
30
00:00:58,704 --> 00:01:01,272
It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.
31
00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:02,624
I explained that really well.
32
00:01:02,625 --> 00:01:05,543
Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.
33
00:01:05,544 --> 00:01:07,996
What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing
34
00:01:07,997 --> 00:01:09,780
keeping your ego penned in.
35
00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:12,317
You are a textbook narcissist.
36
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,452
I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.
37
00:01:14,453 --> 00:01:16,971
Oh, excuse me.
38
00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:18,628
I didn't kill my wife!
39
00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:22,024
I don't care.
40
00:01:27,778 --> 00:01:30,113
Stop that fugitive!
41
00:01:30,122 --> 00:01:31,589
I was wondering
how long it would take
44
00:01:34,306 --> 00:01:35,940
celebrity impersonators
from a service
45
00:01:35,941 --> 00:01:37,592
for his own personal use.
46
00:01:37,593 --> 00:01:39,531
He's been doing it...
a lot.
47
00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:40,614
He's not hurting anybody.
48
00:01:40,615 --> 00:01:42,143
He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.
49
00:01:42,198 --> 00:01:43,649
It's unquestionably awesome.
50
00:01:43,650 --> 00:01:45,300
I question it.
He spent New Year's
51
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,831
locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.
52
00:01:47,861 --> 00:01:48,953
Abed was the volleyball?
53
00:01:48,954 --> 00:01:50,865
- Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!
54
00:01:50,923 --> 00:01:52,423
Where's he getting the money
for all this?
55
00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:54,509
Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.
56
00:01:54,510 --> 00:01:56,511
No! You guys need
to stop intervening.
57
00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,329
You seriously have a problem.
58
00:01:58,330 --> 00:02:00,765
- I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.
59
00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:02,267
Freeze!
60
00:02:03,835 --> 00:02:06,020
Chang, they're just acting!
61
00:02:06,021 --> 00:02:08,566
- Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?
62
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,860
- Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.
63
00:02:11,861 --> 00:02:15,513
♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪
64
00:02:15,514 --> 00:02:18,849
♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪
65
00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:22,203
♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪
66
00:02:22,204 --> 00:02:26,324
♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪
67
00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:31,295
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
68
00:02:31,296 --> 00:02:35,321
♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪
69
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:38,148
3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists
Sync and correction by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
70
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:39,977
Resync for 2HD by Norther
71
00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,954
What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?
72
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:44,893
If you had hit a small student,
73
00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:46,311
they could have died!
74
00:02:46,312 --> 00:02:47,495
I wouldn't do that.
75
00:02:47,496 --> 00:02:49,013
I have a heavy flashlight
for them.
76
00:02:49,014 --> 00:02:50,315
Oh, Ben!
77
00:02:50,316 --> 00:02:53,318
Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.
78
00:02:53,319 --> 00:02:55,386
I'm a one-man army.
79
00:02:55,387 --> 00:02:56,887
You won't let me have
any guards.
80
00:02:56,888 --> 00:02:58,256
We're broke, Ben!
81
00:02:58,257 --> 00:02:59,958
We now get 80%
of our electricity
82
00:02:59,959 --> 00:03:02,827
from the apartment building
across the street.
83
00:03:04,447 --> 00:03:05,531
Okay...
84
00:03:05,581 --> 00:03:08,283
I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,
85
00:03:08,284 --> 00:03:10,084
but all you're making
me feel right now
86
00:03:10,085 --> 00:03:14,122
is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
87
00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:17,008
Look, maybe you can
bring on some students
88
00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:18,426
as security interns.
89
00:03:18,427 --> 00:03:19,711
I'll let you offer them
a credit
90
00:03:19,712 --> 00:03:22,079
in safety or math or something.
91
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,464
Thank you, sir.
92
00:03:23,465 --> 00:03:26,184
You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.
93
00:03:26,185 --> 00:03:29,053
I don't know why
I said that. Bye.
94
00:03:29,054 --> 00:03:32,089
Huh! Tah!
95
00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:36,978
Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
96
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,732
Jeff. Jeff!
97
00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,099
I looked it up.
I was right.
98
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,484
Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?
99
00:03:43,485 --> 00:03:44,769
I looked it up too.
Weird.
100
00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,604
No, those meds you're taking.
101
00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:49,273
Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,
102
00:03:49,274 --> 00:03:52,877
you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.
103
00:03:52,878 --> 00:03:55,413
Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.
104
00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:58,449
Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,
105
00:03:58,450 --> 00:04:00,551
taking over
your whole personality,
106
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,504
making you
an uncontrollable monster.
107
00:04:03,505 --> 00:04:05,590
Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?
108
00:04:05,591 --> 00:04:06,891
Imagine it expanding?
109
00:04:06,892 --> 00:04:08,393
- Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.
110
00:04:08,394 --> 00:04:10,127
Why are you trying
to take this away from me?
111
00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:11,763
I like having no anxiety.
112
00:04:11,764 --> 00:04:12,897
I'm in harmony with the world.
113
00:04:12,898 --> 00:04:14,432
Looking good, Winger.
114
00:04:14,433 --> 00:04:16,184
Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,
115
00:04:16,185 --> 00:04:18,636
and for your service
to this country.
116
00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:20,471
I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off
117
00:04:20,472 --> 00:04:21,939
I never dreamed possible.
118
00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:24,975
Look. Aviators.
119
00:04:24,976 --> 00:04:26,744
Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.
120
00:04:26,745 --> 00:04:29,614
I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.
121
00:04:29,615 --> 00:04:30,782
And until they're out
of your system,
122
00:04:30,783 --> 00:04:32,650
stay away from
flattering situations...
123
00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:35,820
weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.
124
00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:37,321
And take those off!
125
00:04:37,322 --> 00:04:38,406
Because they make me look good?
126
00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:39,957
That's not relevant.
127
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:41,959
Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...
128
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,494
Uhh... uhh... unh!
129
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:47,164
Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!
130
00:04:47,165 --> 00:04:49,300
Look at his shadow!
131
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,308
Security internship available.
132
00:04:57,309 --> 00:04:59,777
Come on, see the world.
133
00:04:59,778 --> 00:05:01,946
Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!
134
00:05:03,198 --> 00:05:06,067
- Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.
135
00:05:06,068 --> 00:05:07,869
Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,
136
00:05:07,870 --> 00:05:09,237
the celebrity impersonator
service I use.
137
00:05:09,238 --> 00:05:10,321
You look familiar.
138
00:05:10,322 --> 00:05:12,407
That's how we all get started
in this racket.
139
00:05:12,408 --> 00:05:14,042
But at a certain point,
if you're smart,
140
00:05:14,043 --> 00:05:16,377
you move up to management
before the gold mine
141
00:05:16,378 --> 00:05:18,696
of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.
142
00:05:18,697 --> 00:05:20,531
- Ah...
- French Stewart...
143
00:05:20,532 --> 00:05:21,916
And speaking of gold mines,
144
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,534
you owe me three grand, pal.
145
00:05:23,535 --> 00:05:24,635
Cool.
Put it on my account.
146
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:26,301
What do I look like, a sucker?
147
00:05:26,301 --> 00:05:27,675
French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.
148
00:05:27,706 --> 00:05:29,340
Well, you know what,
you better get it.
149
00:05:29,341 --> 00:05:31,375
Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...
150
00:05:31,376 --> 00:05:33,711
Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.
151
00:05:33,712 --> 00:05:35,012
Very kind.
Thank you.
152
00:05:35,013 --> 00:05:37,899
You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.
153
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,984
You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.
154
00:05:39,985 --> 00:05:41,819
You're actually more handsome
than the guy
155
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:42,854
that's famous
for being handsome.
156
00:05:42,855 --> 00:05:45,523
Jeff?
157
00:05:49,561 --> 00:05:53,865
You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.
158
00:05:53,866 --> 00:05:55,700
You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.
159
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:57,702
I've got a big event saturday.
160
00:05:57,703 --> 00:05:59,570
Needs a lot of bodies, huh?
161
00:05:59,571 --> 00:06:02,039
And I see some
high-value faces here.
162
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,040
Got an Oprah.
163
00:06:03,041 --> 00:06:04,542
- Oh!
- And sitting next to her
164
00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:06,761
is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.
165
00:06:06,762 --> 00:06:08,379
Add a few extra teeth.
166
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,881
Wow, this is rare.
167
00:06:09,882 --> 00:06:13,050
Both versions
of Michael Jackson.
168
00:06:13,051 --> 00:06:14,218
And you...
169
00:06:14,219 --> 00:06:15,336
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
170
00:06:15,337 --> 00:06:16,521
- What?
- What?
171
00:06:16,522 --> 00:06:17,522
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
172
00:06:17,523 --> 00:06:18,523
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
173
00:06:18,524 --> 00:06:20,525
Look, if you guys work
this gig for me
174
00:06:20,526 --> 00:06:22,560
for six hours,
we'll call it even.
175
00:06:22,561 --> 00:06:23,978
Sounds fun.
176
00:06:23,979 --> 00:06:26,430
Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?
177
00:06:26,431 --> 00:06:28,032
Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks
178
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,283
looks just like Quincy Jones.
179
00:06:29,284 --> 00:06:30,401
- Get out.
- Seriously.
180
00:06:30,402 --> 00:06:31,652
Guys, I'm sorry,
181
00:06:31,653 --> 00:06:33,237
but this is where
we have to put our foot down.
182
00:06:33,238 --> 00:06:34,539
Well, she has a point.
183
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:36,741
Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,
184
00:06:36,742 --> 00:06:38,075
and then he'll hit rock bottom
185
00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:39,577
and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.
186
00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:40,628
I say we let this play out.
187
00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:42,213
I'd love to help,
188
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:43,965
but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party
189
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:45,833
may not be a safe
situation for me.
190
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:48,118
We could actually hurt Abed
191
00:06:48,119 --> 00:06:49,670
if every time he faces reality,
192
00:06:49,671 --> 00:06:51,889
we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.
193
00:06:51,890 --> 00:06:53,891
Shame on you people.
194
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:56,377
It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.
195
00:06:56,378 --> 00:06:57,979
Abed doesn't need reality.
196
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:00,398
Abed is a magical,
elf-like man
197
00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:02,183
who makes us all more magical
198
00:07:02,184 --> 00:07:03,534
by being near us.
199
00:07:03,535 --> 00:07:05,353
Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night
200
00:07:05,354 --> 00:07:06,604
that time you forgot how to
fart?
201
00:07:06,605 --> 00:07:07,972
- Abed.
- Shirley...
202
00:07:07,973 --> 00:07:09,323
Who got you a DVD of Precious,
203
00:07:09,324 --> 00:07:11,025
based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,
204
00:07:11,026 --> 00:07:13,744
and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?
205
00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:15,112
Abed.
206
00:07:15,113 --> 00:07:17,481
All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.
207
00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:19,667
And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.
208
00:07:19,668 --> 00:07:21,118
Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,
209
00:07:21,119 --> 00:07:23,454
and it's time to get real?
210
00:07:23,455 --> 00:07:25,590
For shame!
211
00:07:25,591 --> 00:07:28,292
He's right.
Sorry, Troy.
212
00:07:28,293 --> 00:07:29,660
Hey, guys.
213
00:07:29,661 --> 00:07:32,113
Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.
214
00:07:32,114 --> 00:07:33,631
It'll be a good time.
215
00:07:33,632 --> 00:07:35,332
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
216
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,435
- Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.
217
00:07:37,436 --> 00:07:38,686
- See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.
218
00:07:38,687 --> 00:07:41,939
- Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.
219
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,641
Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.
220
00:07:43,642 --> 00:07:46,027
Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.
221
00:07:46,028 --> 00:07:48,029
Um, if you guys mess this up,
222
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:50,231
then his debt is overdue.
223
00:07:50,232 --> 00:07:52,349
And I don't send another bill.
224
00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:54,785
No, I send two guys
that look a lot
225
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:57,071
like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.
226
00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:59,523
And they do
a very convincing impression
227
00:07:59,524 --> 00:08:02,793
of breaking your friend's legs.
228
00:08:02,794 --> 00:08:05,880
Their secret is...
They actually break them.
229
00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:13,746
All right, impersonators,
230
00:08:13,747 --> 00:08:16,172
our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,
231
00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:17,479
who, according to the Talmud,
232
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,843
just became a man.
But I have to say,
233
00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:21,804
I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.
234
00:08:21,854 --> 00:08:23,622
- Ha!
- Ground rules...
235
00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:25,873
Do stay in your
assigned quadrants
236
00:08:25,874 --> 00:08:28,042
quoting lines from movies
you are positive
237
00:08:28,043 --> 00:08:30,027
that your impersonatee was in.
238
00:08:30,028 --> 00:08:32,296
Do not leave your quadrant,
239
00:08:32,297 --> 00:08:34,531
burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.
240
00:08:34,532 --> 00:08:36,700
The obvious exception
being James,
241
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:37,868
our resident Walter Matthau.
242
00:08:37,869 --> 00:08:39,170
How you doing, Jimmy?
243
00:08:39,171 --> 00:08:41,505
Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.
244
00:08:41,506 --> 00:08:45,542
- All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.
245
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:47,678
Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.
246
00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:49,313
Jeff, do not wear that.
247
00:08:49,314 --> 00:08:51,548
Aw, zip it, white Jacko.
248
00:08:51,549 --> 00:08:54,318
Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,
249
00:08:54,319 --> 00:08:56,437
so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.
250
00:08:56,438 --> 00:08:58,356
What?
Jeff, that's insane!
251
00:08:58,357 --> 00:09:00,524
I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,
252
00:09:00,525 --> 00:09:02,326
it seemed like a great idea.
253
00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:04,912
- Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!
254
00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:06,197
Britta, stop arguing.
255
00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:07,498
If you have anything else
to say,
256
00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:09,450
say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.
257
00:09:09,451 --> 00:09:11,073
Jeff is in grave danger.
258
00:09:11,073 --> 00:09:12,340
Hee-hee!
259
00:09:14,673 --> 00:09:16,507
Uh, may I help you?
260
00:09:16,508 --> 00:09:19,009
I'm one of the impersonators.
261
00:09:19,010 --> 00:09:23,431
- Which one?
- Do I have to say it?
262
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,049
Burt Reynolds.
263
00:09:25,050 --> 00:09:27,301
Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you
264
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:28,585
to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
265
00:09:28,586 --> 00:09:30,721
- Why not?
- Do I have to say it?
266
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:45,419
- May I help you?
- I'm Brando.
267
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:47,655
Hmm...
268
00:09:47,656 --> 00:09:49,606
Could be under "fat."
269
00:09:49,607 --> 00:09:52,293
Ah. Oh.
270
00:09:52,294 --> 00:09:53,794
Totally.
271
00:09:53,795 --> 00:09:57,248
Go on in.
272
00:09:57,249 --> 00:09:58,916
Bam.
273
00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,726
Abed, get back to your station.
274
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,503
I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.
275
00:10:02,504 --> 00:10:04,060
Abed, we have to do this right
276
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:05,110
or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.
277
00:10:05,173 --> 00:10:06,290
Troy, who cares about money?
278
00:10:06,291 --> 00:10:07,925
Look around.
This is why we're alive.
279
00:10:07,926 --> 00:10:10,428
Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.
280
00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:14,715
I was so sad to hear
of your passing.
281
00:10:14,716 --> 00:10:16,650
Me too.
282
00:10:16,651 --> 00:10:20,354
Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?
283
00:10:20,355 --> 00:10:22,440
Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks
284
00:10:22,441 --> 00:10:23,607
when your brother's a rabbi.
285
00:10:23,608 --> 00:10:25,526
He throws me some
private security gigs
286
00:10:25,527 --> 00:10:27,111
at the events he officiates.
287
00:10:27,112 --> 00:10:29,530
They can get really intense
sometimes.
288
00:10:29,531 --> 00:10:32,983
Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?
289
00:10:32,984 --> 00:10:34,985
Now smile.
290
00:10:34,986 --> 00:10:37,872
Why is he out of his quadrant?
291
00:10:39,875 --> 00:10:41,992
I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
292
00:10:41,993 --> 00:10:44,195
- He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.
293
00:10:44,196 --> 00:10:45,513
What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis
294
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,214
and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
295
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:49,133
See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you
296
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:51,435
because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.
297
00:10:51,436 --> 00:10:54,054
Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched
298
00:10:54,055 --> 00:10:56,673
with Jamie Lee Curtis',
299
00:10:56,674 --> 00:10:59,193
and they give each other
piggyback rides.
300
00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:02,012
I can't believe...
did you go to college?
301
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:04,315
Yes. No.
302
00:11:04,316 --> 00:11:05,516
Whatever. Keep working.
303
00:11:12,574 --> 00:11:16,293
Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!
304
00:11:16,294 --> 00:11:17,578
Would you look at this one.
305
00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:19,463
He's like a Robert Redford.
306
00:11:19,464 --> 00:11:22,416
No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.
307
00:11:22,417 --> 00:11:24,668
It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome
308
00:11:24,669 --> 00:11:28,138
than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.
309
00:11:32,644 --> 00:11:36,597
Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.
310
00:11:36,598 --> 00:11:39,216
- Who wants to hold it?
- Me!
311
00:11:39,217 --> 00:11:41,885
- That's so cool.
- Awesome.
312
00:11:41,886 --> 00:11:44,121
Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.
313
00:11:48,910 --> 00:11:52,696
Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?
314
00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:54,014
- Sure!
- Right!
315
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:01,622
Look, man,
if you have a request,
316
00:12:01,623 --> 00:12:03,524
not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.
317
00:12:03,525 --> 00:12:04,959
You look like a friend of mine.
318
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,544
You're friends with Moby?
319
00:12:18,890 --> 00:12:21,358
- Jeff!
- Oh!
320
00:12:21,359 --> 00:12:24,478
I haven't been dipped like that
321
00:12:24,479 --> 00:12:26,313
since my last divorce.
322
00:12:26,314 --> 00:12:28,098
Britta, you were right.
323
00:12:28,099 --> 00:12:30,601
I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!
324
00:12:30,602 --> 00:12:31,819
Okay, listen to me.
325
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,455
You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?
326
00:12:34,456 --> 00:12:35,939
You have bad posture.
327
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,742
When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.
328
00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:40,995
The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.
329
00:12:40,996 --> 00:12:43,464
You were emotionally
closed off in bed
330
00:12:43,465 --> 00:12:45,249
to the point where
one time, I didn't come up
331
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,835
because I couldn't find
close enough parking.
332
00:12:47,836 --> 00:12:50,638
You have an unusually high
butt crack.
333
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,791
Thank you.
334
00:12:53,792 --> 00:12:55,509
It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.
335
00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,261
We are getting you out of here.
336
00:12:57,262 --> 00:12:59,463
Get back to your quadrant.
Now!
337
00:12:59,464 --> 00:13:00,931
Britta!
338
00:13:00,932 --> 00:13:03,133
Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.
339
00:13:03,134 --> 00:13:06,904
If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.
340
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:10,382
There's awards?
341
00:13:12,979 --> 00:13:15,138
Ladies and non-gentilemen,
342
00:13:15,139 --> 00:13:18,275
welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.
343
00:13:18,276 --> 00:13:19,860
Here to present the first award
344
00:13:19,861 --> 00:13:22,629
are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.
345
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:25,315
You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.
346
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:26,983
It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.
347
00:13:26,984 --> 00:13:28,618
And that's why
it's so important
348
00:13:28,619 --> 00:13:30,871
to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.
349
00:13:30,872 --> 00:13:35,158
The winner for
best math student is...
350
00:13:35,479 --> 00:13:36,579
Howie Schwartz.
351
00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:45,769
Wow, these things are heavy.
352
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:49,654
The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
353
00:13:50,711 --> 00:13:54,524
Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!
354
00:13:54,612 --> 00:13:58,114
Best Halo score...
Howie Schwartz!
355
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,142
If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award
356
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,094
for most handsome young man.
357
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:08,764
Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.
358
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,916
Jeff, I think
that we should go.
359
00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:14,403
There's an award
for most handsome young man!
360
00:14:14,404 --> 00:14:16,772
Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege
361
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,942
as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...
362
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,794
most handsome young man.
363
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,246
Aww...
364
00:14:23,247 --> 00:14:26,916
And the winner is...
365
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,318
Howie Schwartz!
366
00:14:29,319 --> 00:14:32,321
Nooo!
367
00:14:41,098 --> 00:14:45,101
Aah!
368
00:14:50,641 --> 00:14:54,193
Look at me!
Look at meee!
369
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:57,012
No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!
370
00:14:57,013 --> 00:14:58,231
Oh!
371
00:14:58,232 --> 00:15:00,266
Oh, God, no!
372
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:03,085
- What the hell?
- You wanted it!
373
00:15:03,086 --> 00:15:05,788
You all want it!
374
00:15:05,789 --> 00:15:08,291
Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!
375
00:15:08,292 --> 00:15:11,527
Aaahh!
376
00:15:11,528 --> 00:15:12,962
- Rargh!
- Aah!
377
00:15:12,963 --> 00:15:15,881
- Grr!
- Ow!
378
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:19,952
Ah!
379
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,471
Unh! Grr!
Ha!
380
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:33,746
I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
381
00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:44,226
You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
382
00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:47,086
Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
383
00:15:53,837 --> 00:15:56,339
Boogie Nights.
384
00:15:56,340 --> 00:16:00,876
You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?
385
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,679
I'll take it.
386
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,189
Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?
387
00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:14,507
Tell me who they looked like!
388
00:16:14,508 --> 00:16:15,975
Doc, doc! Who's there?
389
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:18,144
It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.
390
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,396
Ha ha ha. Hey.
391
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,814
Laughter's the best medicine.
392
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,200
What are...
what are you doing?
393
00:16:24,201 --> 00:16:26,652
I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.
394
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,772
Not you.
395
00:16:29,773 --> 00:16:33,108
So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,
396
00:16:33,109 --> 00:16:35,211
and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?
397
00:16:35,212 --> 00:16:38,447
It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.
398
00:16:38,448 --> 00:16:39,615
Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.
399
00:16:39,616 --> 00:16:42,451
Get him some spinach.
400
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:44,355
I'm Olive Oyl.
401
00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:51,143
Get out!
402
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:13,249
Are you mad at me?
403
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,651
- No.
- Cool.
404
00:17:15,652 --> 00:17:16,635
I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium
405
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,037
and play Inspector Spacetime.
406
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,035
Have fun.
407
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:28,013
- Abed.
- Yeah?
408
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:31,434
Come here.
409
00:17:37,207 --> 00:17:38,474
I am mad at you.
410
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,176
You said you weren't.
We never lie.
411
00:17:40,177 --> 00:17:41,777
- I know.
- We made a deal.
412
00:17:41,778 --> 00:17:43,765
October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.
413
00:17:43,766 --> 00:17:46,015
I know! I lied.
414
00:17:46,016 --> 00:17:47,800
Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,
415
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,101
and I don't want to be
one of those people.
416
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,653
- Then don't be.
- I have to be.
417
00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:52,605
You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.
418
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,707
Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.
419
00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:56,559
I had to work really hard
to help you.
420
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,543
But that's what you wanted
to do.
421
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:58,994
Yes.
422
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,963
But I can't do
what I want to do?
423
00:18:00,964 --> 00:18:02,331
I guess not.
Not all the time.
424
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,849
Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust
425
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,185
- that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.
426
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,686
Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust
427
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,889
that you're gonna have
to trust me.
428
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:16,429
Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...
429
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:20,382
I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.
430
00:18:20,383 --> 00:18:22,258
Still best friends?
431
00:18:22,259 --> 00:18:24,516
Yeah.
432
00:18:25,989 --> 00:18:28,056
Still best friends.
Always.
433
00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:30,058
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
434
00:18:30,059 --> 00:18:31,560
You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?
435
00:18:31,561 --> 00:18:33,412
Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,
436
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:34,563
if that's okay.
437
00:18:34,564 --> 00:18:37,733
Cool. Okay.
438
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,336
Cool.
439
00:18:44,741 --> 00:18:46,625
Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!
440
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:51,413
Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
441
00:18:53,183 --> 00:18:57,603
I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
442
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:01,106
You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.
443
00:19:16,773 --> 00:19:18,157
You okay?
444
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:21,276
No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.
445
00:19:21,277 --> 00:19:22,444
I'm a bad person.
446
00:19:22,445 --> 00:19:24,380
What you're feeling
is called shame.
447
00:19:24,381 --> 00:19:25,781
It means you're getting better.
448
00:19:25,782 --> 00:19:29,785
You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.
449
00:19:29,786 --> 00:19:32,972
Um, I was thinking...
450
00:19:32,973 --> 00:19:36,509
You know that person that you
study for your psych class?
451
00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:38,794
Maybe that should be me.
452
00:19:38,795 --> 00:19:40,312
Uh-uh. No way.
453
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,932
You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.
454
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:45,184
I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.
455
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,302
Like Abed.
456
00:20:04,955 --> 00:20:07,973
Hi, Abed.
457
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:12,745
- Hi.
- Where's Troy?
458
00:20:12,746 --> 00:20:14,680
In the other room.
459
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,015
That's okay.
There are many advantages
460
00:20:16,016 --> 00:20:17,233
of traveling by yourself.
461
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:19,268
You can drive faster,
change direction.
462
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:20,970
And the only pee breaks
are yours.
463
00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:25,140
- Are you real?
- Are you?
464
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,275
This is really crazy.
465
00:20:26,276 --> 00:20:27,643
And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.
466
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,779
Maybe to them, but not to us.
467
00:20:30,780 --> 00:20:33,866
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
468
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:36,435
Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.
469
00:21:02,710 --> 00:21:04,165
Gentlemen...
470
00:21:04,165 --> 00:21:06,896
Who's ready to chang the world?
471
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:11,244
Chang! Chang! Chang!
472
00:21:11,245 --> 00:21:15,342
Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!
473
00:21:15,343 --> 00:21:16,943
All hail Chang!