1
00:00:00,792 --> 00:00:03,211
"And that is why Tania always loved
2
00:00:03,377 --> 00:00:05,753
weekends with daddy."
3
00:00:06,653 --> 00:00:09,051
And look, this is written by
your special Aunt Ava's daddy.
4
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:11,776
And that little girl is based on me,
5
00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:16,016
and that dad is a black version
of my Jewish dad,
6
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:19,250
the grooviest Jew since Neil diamond
7
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:20,771
first donned a rhinestone cape.
8
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:22,554
I get to have my own
daddy-daughter time
9
00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,066
this weekend...
He's coming on Friday!
10
00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,290
I'm so happy.
I love your dad.
11
00:00:26,415 --> 00:00:28,292
He's just so warm and wonderful.
12
00:00:28,417 --> 00:00:30,155
- [Cell phone chimes]
- Uh-oh.
13
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,949
Lawyer Derek just backed out
for tomorrow.
14
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,159
The segment's at 10:00.
We have nobody?
15
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:36,411
Not unless we can find
a backup lawyer.
16
00:00:36,577 --> 00:00:39,303
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my gosh.
17
00:00:39,428 --> 00:00:43,126
Come on, UVA law school
where I attended.
18
00:00:43,292 --> 00:00:46,310
It's crazy, I mean,
they want a donation.
19
00:00:46,435 --> 00:00:49,080
You go to their law school,
you pay money to do it,
20
00:00:49,205 --> 00:00:50,198
you excel to the point
21
00:00:50,323 --> 00:00:51,343
that they put you on the brochure
22
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,035
because you got "it"
whatever that is,
23
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,163
and you're kind
of embarrassed about it.
24
00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:58,767
Christopher, would you like to do it?
25
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,435
Me? Oh, no.
26
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:03,146
God, no.
Definitely not.
27
00:01:03,312 --> 00:01:04,272
♪ Definitely not
28
00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:06,330
well, "definitely not"
seems a little...
29
00:01:06,455 --> 00:01:07,651
Let's not rule out...
30
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:08,850
You know what?
31
00:01:08,975 --> 00:01:11,219
The camera loves him and
so will the rest of America.
32
00:01:11,344 --> 00:01:12,447
You're in.
33
00:01:12,613 --> 00:01:14,741
Thank you, Ava.
I'd love to. Sure.
34
00:01:14,907 --> 00:01:16,007
All right, you know what?
Here.
35
00:01:16,132 --> 00:01:17,842
Let's give it a little test run.
36
00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:18,912
Go.
37
00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:20,288
Action.
38
00:01:20,454 --> 00:01:21,863
Hey, there, everybody.
Chris Brinkley here.
39
00:01:21,988 --> 00:01:22,958
Today's top story,
40
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,584
two assailants were seen
41
00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,837
leaving the scene of a crime
carrying guns.
44
00:01:30,089 --> 00:01:31,139
I'm just going to do this as a goof.
45
00:01:31,264 --> 00:01:33,010
- Hey, Amy, is your dad insane?
- As a goof, you guys.
46
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,054
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,907
Sharon, hey!
Sharon!
48
00:01:56,073 --> 00:01:56,981
For the last time,
49
00:01:57,106 --> 00:02:01,705
this is my parking spot,
you limey rooster head.
50
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,238
I don't care if your space
is in the sun.
51
00:02:03,363 --> 00:02:04,541
Read the sign.
52
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:06,918
That sign says, "talent."
53
00:02:07,084 --> 00:02:10,411
Maybe there's a sign over
the other side of the lot
54
00:02:10,536 --> 00:02:14,199
that says,
"lucky to be on television."
55
00:02:14,324 --> 00:02:16,178
You should park there.
56
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:17,902
[With a British accent]
Why don't I just go ahead
57
00:02:18,027 --> 00:02:21,016
and park a double-Decker bus
up your ass?
58
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:25,353
I'm only parking in this space
because some tragic hippie
59
00:02:25,519 --> 00:02:29,149
parked his dream machine in my space.
60
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,692
Daddy.
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00:02:30,858 --> 00:02:31,735
Daddy.
62
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,434
Sweetie.
63
00:02:33,559 --> 00:02:36,804
Oh, you're here.
Oh, you're here.
64
00:02:36,929 --> 00:02:37,949
Look at you.
65
00:02:38,115 --> 00:02:39,858
This is my dad, everyone.
66
00:02:39,983 --> 00:02:41,059
Hi, everybody.
67
00:02:41,184 --> 00:02:44,247
You know him as author
Brownstone Birthday,
68
00:02:44,413 --> 00:02:47,209
Newbery award winner,
snow on the sidewalk.
69
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,167
Your stories are so urban.
70
00:02:49,292 --> 00:02:50,754
I always thought you were black.
71
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,047
Thank you.
72
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,155
Well, you know,
I lived in New York City.
73
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:55,967
I was in advertising.
Long hair.
74
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:58,637
The girls, the drugs,
the usual Mishegas.
75
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,139
Oh, daddy, was that when you
lived near Bubbee and Zaydee?
76
00:03:01,305 --> 00:03:02,881
I'm sorry, daddy.
Continue your spiel.
77
00:03:03,006 --> 00:03:04,392
Thank you.
78
00:03:04,558 --> 00:03:06,217
So I'm walking along the street,
79
00:03:06,342 --> 00:03:09,272
and I see this little
Afro-American boy
80
00:03:09,438 --> 00:03:13,457
stepping in other people's
footsteps in the snow.
81
00:03:13,582 --> 00:03:17,114
And a spiritual door opened for me.
82
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,980
And I found my voice...
83
00:03:19,105 --> 00:03:22,410
The voice of a young black boy.
84
00:03:22,576 --> 00:03:23,912
That's beautiful, daddy.
85
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:25,136
Court is adjourned.
86
00:03:25,261 --> 00:03:28,125
Everyone, it's time
for father-daughter time.
87
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,657
I have organized
a ton of events for us.
88
00:03:29,782 --> 00:03:30,775
Hmm.
89
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,860
- First, I got us Laker tickets.
- Yeah?
90
00:03:32,985 --> 00:03:34,965
Floor seats, but they promised
me there'll be chairs.
91
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,717
- And a Sushi dinner at Kiwami...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
92
00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:39,594
- No Sushi.
- No?
93
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,288
Linda just read this articles
about the Mercury levels.
94
00:03:43,413 --> 00:03:45,206
I think it's jive,
but I don't want to be a hater.
95
00:03:45,331 --> 00:03:46,434
Oy.
96
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,826
Linda.
I didn't know she was coming.
97
00:03:48,951 --> 00:03:51,857
Ava, it's so great to see you.
98
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:54,526
Linda.
99
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,779
And your kids.
Yay.
100
00:03:57,945 --> 00:04:00,188
How you feeling, honey?
You nervous?
101
00:04:00,313 --> 00:04:01,356
I don't know.
102
00:04:01,481 --> 00:04:03,024
I just don't know
how comfortable I am
103
00:04:03,149 --> 00:04:05,036
as a dude wearing makeup.
It's just...
104
00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:07,695
No, no, no. You can just
keep that coming for sure.
105
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:10,181
Honey, listen to me.
You're going to be fantastic.
106
00:04:10,306 --> 00:04:11,449
Well, thanks.
107
00:04:11,574 --> 00:04:12,867
But a couple of things
that I just want you
108
00:04:12,992 --> 00:04:14,736
to just keep in mind
while you're out there.
109
00:04:14,861 --> 00:04:18,072
The camera that has the red light on,
110
00:04:18,197 --> 00:04:19,301
that's the one that's filming you.
111
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,428
Lastly...
112
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,212
Try to say et cetera
because you have a tendency
113
00:04:24,337 --> 00:04:26,864
to say "eksetera" which is incorrect.
114
00:04:26,989 --> 00:04:28,916
Hmm, I think I say it right.
"Eksetera."
115
00:04:29,041 --> 00:04:32,804
No, you... you don't.
It's et cetera. Et.
116
00:04:32,929 --> 00:04:34,422
That's what I'm saying.
Eks... eksetera.
117
00:04:34,547 --> 00:04:36,374
No, there's no "x" in it.
There's no "x" in the word.
118
00:04:36,499 --> 00:04:37,730
I'm not saying "x," I'm saying eks.
119
00:04:37,855 --> 00:04:39,844
It's et cetera.
Et, et, et.
120
00:04:39,969 --> 00:04:42,073
I'm so sorry.
Is that a bronzer right there?
121
00:04:42,239 --> 00:04:43,909
Is that what I'm looking at?
122
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,400
Would you like some bronzer, honey?
123
00:04:45,525 --> 00:04:47,037
Oh, no, I don't want to be
too must trouble, I'm just...
124
00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:48,319
You know what?
Let me grab it.
125
00:04:48,444 --> 00:04:50,388
I got it.
Fine skin.
126
00:04:50,513 --> 00:04:53,168
- Really? OK.
- Yeah, yeah.
127
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,962
Of course, I think
you should pull the plug.
128
00:04:56,128 --> 00:04:58,930
I mean, there's no reason,
from a legal standpoint,
129
00:04:59,055 --> 00:05:01,532
I'm just speaking as a lawyer...
130
00:05:01,657 --> 00:05:02,761
There's no reason,
131
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,919
that you should continue
to pay the bills
132
00:05:05,044 --> 00:05:07,390
for whatever...
What did you say his name was?
133
00:05:07,556 --> 00:05:08,391
Grandpa.
134
00:05:08,557 --> 00:05:10,408
[Laughs]
Grandpa?
135
00:05:10,533 --> 00:05:14,147
That's a... I'm just saying
you don't have to kill him.
136
00:05:14,313 --> 00:05:17,275
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
He's dying out there.
137
00:05:17,441 --> 00:05:19,402
Look at that.
He can't keep his hands still.
138
00:05:19,568 --> 00:05:23,073
Of... of... of... of
grandpa versus the value...
139
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:26,858
I'm just saying, you do the math.
140
00:05:26,983 --> 00:05:28,078
Great. Wow.
141
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,538
- You do the math.
- All right.
142
00:05:30,704 --> 00:05:32,499
- Cathy from Baton Rouge...
- Okay.
143
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:37,671
Wants to know,
"my landlord has not returned
144
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,161
"my security deposit.
145
00:05:39,286 --> 00:05:40,527
Can I take any legal recourse?"
146
00:05:40,652 --> 00:05:44,803
That's a good question.
147
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,429
Every municipality...
148
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:50,392
Has... has their own variable laws
149
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:51,949
- and municipal bylaws...
- I told him about this.
150
00:05:52,074 --> 00:05:53,228
The one with the red light.
151
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:54,896
Eksetera, eksetera.
152
00:05:55,062 --> 00:05:57,038
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're right.
153
00:05:57,163 --> 00:05:58,108
Eksetera.
154
00:05:58,274 --> 00:05:59,693
There we go.
155
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:00,944
Yup.
156
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,612
- Just...
- Thank you. Yes?
157
00:06:02,778 --> 00:06:05,991
Well, like I always say,
just in summation,
158
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,982
get... uh, you do the math.
159
00:06:08,107 --> 00:06:09,202
Thank you.
160
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:12,186
Chris was a disaster.
161
00:06:12,311 --> 00:06:13,832
He kept saying, "you do the math."
162
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,573
Yeah. My audience doesn't
want to do the math.
163
00:06:15,698 --> 00:06:16,991
If they could do the math,
164
00:06:17,116 --> 00:06:18,860
they wouldn't be watching TV
in the middle of the day.
165
00:06:18,985 --> 00:06:21,214
Hey, guys.
How was I?
166
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,882
I know I was a little shaky
at first, but...
167
00:06:23,048 --> 00:06:27,368
Chris, oh, my God.
A star is born.
168
00:06:27,493 --> 00:06:29,337
Move over, Morley safer.
169
00:06:29,462 --> 00:06:31,456
You were great, honey.
You really, really were.
170
00:06:31,581 --> 00:06:32,790
Will you meet me at the car?
171
00:06:32,915 --> 00:06:33,958
We just have to finish up
172
00:06:34,083 --> 00:06:37,397
some silly
show business-y type stuff.
173
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,630
Thanks, babe.
It was so much fun.
174
00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:40,798
Thank you, guys.
I just...
175
00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:42,360
I didn't want to let you down, honey.
176
00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:43,570
Anyway, you do the math.
177
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,280
You do the math!
178
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,324
They can do the math.
179
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,242
So who's going to tell him he's out?
180
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:51,225
No one.
181
00:06:51,350 --> 00:06:53,330
No one is telling him he's out.
He's my husband.
182
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,030
And I don't care how bad he was,
183
00:06:56,155 --> 00:06:58,293
we're going to give him
a second chance, okay?
184
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,119
At this moment,
you are not mentally competent
185
00:07:01,244 --> 00:07:02,547
to executive-produce my show.
186
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,289
Missy, you're in charge.
187
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:06,801
Okay.
188
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:09,429
Finally, there's going to
be some changes around here.
189
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,349
Hey, Steve, you're so [Bleep] Fired.
190
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,115
- Missy.
- Let's get St...
191
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,226
I was kidding.
192
00:07:15,392 --> 00:07:17,645
God, you are unhinged.
193
00:07:17,811 --> 00:07:18,646
Reagan, you can't be serious.
194
00:07:18,812 --> 00:07:20,004
Oh, I'm very serious.
195
00:07:20,129 --> 00:07:21,639
He practiced in the mirror
196
00:07:21,764 --> 00:07:23,818
with a hairbrush as a microphone.
197
00:07:23,984 --> 00:07:26,544
He was nervous.
He will do better.
198
00:07:26,669 --> 00:07:27,864
He can do better.
199
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,408
- Reagan.
- No, you Reagan!
200
00:07:30,574 --> 00:07:33,745
Do you remember
the first day of the show?
201
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,789
Remember how nervous you were?
202
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:39,023
Yeah. You were covered in flop sweat,
203
00:07:39,148 --> 00:07:40,775
you started choking.
204
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:44,214
And you blew a cough drop
on Cindy freakin' Lauper.
205
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:45,663
I thought you said
we would never speak
206
00:07:45,788 --> 00:07:46,716
of that show again.
207
00:07:46,882 --> 00:07:49,066
Oh, we won't...
208
00:07:49,191 --> 00:07:51,242
But I have the tape.
209
00:07:54,263 --> 00:07:56,851
I say we give him another chance.
210
00:07:57,017 --> 00:07:59,729
Thank you.
211
00:08:00,797 --> 00:08:02,420
No, thank you.
212
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,296
Do you remember
when you used to come out
213
00:08:06,421 --> 00:08:07,414
and visit me and mom,
214
00:08:07,539 --> 00:08:08,915
and we'd watch our favorite show?
215
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,116
Remind me.
216
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:12,075
Your mother put me
in such a funky head trip.
217
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:15,055
Mary Tyler Moore, dad.
218
00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:17,664
Right.
Mary Tyler Moore.
219
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,542
You know, for a white woman,
very foxy.
220
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:23,545
Look, it's Sharon Osbourne.
221
00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:24,564
We love her.
222
00:08:24,689 --> 00:08:26,350
Go and ask her to take a picture.
223
00:08:26,475 --> 00:08:28,652
What? No.
224
00:08:28,777 --> 00:08:31,511
There's so many
other celebrities here.
225
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,305
Oh, look.
Is that Betty white?
226
00:08:34,471 --> 00:08:35,409
No.
227
00:08:35,534 --> 00:08:36,660
Even if it's not,
228
00:08:36,785 --> 00:08:40,280
it's a really old lady
which is great fun.
229
00:08:40,405 --> 00:08:41,281
Ava Beth...
230
00:08:41,406 --> 00:08:45,535
- Yes?
- It would mean the world.
231
00:08:45,660 --> 00:08:51,364
Got it, pops.
232
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,992
Hi. Sharon.
233
00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,536
My family, um, loves you
234
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,149
and would love to take a picture.
235
00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,582
Would they?
236
00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:02,352
Because just this morning,
237
00:09:02,477 --> 00:09:05,420
I was a "limey old rooster head."
238
00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:08,715
Now you want me to meet the family.
239
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:12,979
Give them the old chip cheerio
and prance around
240
00:09:13,104 --> 00:09:15,513
like the old artful dodger for ya?
241
00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:17,348
How do you what now?
242
00:09:17,514 --> 00:09:20,487
Or we could give 'em
the old Mr. Bean, eh?
243
00:09:20,612 --> 00:09:23,907
I could do the tiff toff
with a tip of me hat,
244
00:09:24,032 --> 00:09:26,733
- "how do ya?"
- Say what?
245
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,161
Let me tell you something, Mrs.
246
00:09:28,286 --> 00:09:30,403
It would take for the Thames
247
00:09:30,569 --> 00:09:35,867
to freeze over in July
before I do anything for you.
248
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:39,787
I'll give you my shady parking spot.
249
00:09:39,953 --> 00:09:41,623
Who do we have here then?
250
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,166
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
251
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:45,877
Hello, Ava's family.
252
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,713
Hey, Reagan.
253
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,716
Hey.
254
00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:51,852
Saw Chris on the show today.
255
00:09:51,977 --> 00:09:53,801
He was great.
256
00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:56,323
Wasn't he, gene?
257
00:09:56,448 --> 00:09:58,723
I-I can't do this.
258
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:00,683
- [Slams door]
- Hi, babe.
259
00:10:00,849 --> 00:10:03,246
High protein.
Low sodium.
260
00:10:03,371 --> 00:10:04,604
I want to look good on cam.
261
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,367
Yeah, honey, you know,
262
00:10:07,492 --> 00:10:09,943
about you in front of the camera...
263
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,569
Wait, what?
264
00:10:11,735 --> 00:10:14,030
I just... I feel that maybe...
265
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:16,574
No, go ahead. Say it.
Say it. I sucked.
266
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,201
- Right? No.
- Honey.
267
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,953
I did. I sucked.
Go ahead.
268
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:23,498
Babe, take my hand.
269
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,208
Look me in the eye
and be honest with me.
270
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,835
Was I good?
271
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:29,379
You were great.
272
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:31,714
I was right!
I was! I knew it!
273
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,633
I knew it! I'm sorry.
I got in my head about it.
274
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,061
I was just saying it to you
275
00:10:35,186 --> 00:10:36,052
because I wanted to let you off
the hook in case I didn't,
276
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,493
or whatever, but thank... oh, my God.
277
00:10:37,618 --> 00:10:39,034
Thank you.
I felt... I felt it.
278
00:10:39,159 --> 00:10:40,473
I felt the flow.
279
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:41,849
Remember, sting was talking about it.
280
00:10:42,015 --> 00:10:43,643
Speaking of "flow,"
281
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:47,958
you know how your arms are so, like,
282
00:10:48,083 --> 00:10:51,109
awesomely untethered?
283
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,403
I didn't even... I didn't
even know I was doing that.
284
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:56,166
You know what I think
might be even better?
285
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:58,866
Is if you tether them.
286
00:10:59,032 --> 00:11:00,868
- You think?
- In your lap.
287
00:11:01,034 --> 00:11:02,704
You mean if I did like
a classic flex-and-hold?
288
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,258
Flex-and-hold. Yeah.
289
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:08,812
Also, um, you know that, like,
290
00:11:08,937 --> 00:11:11,431
that really cool thing you do
when you, like,
291
00:11:11,556 --> 00:11:15,635
ask the audience
to do the math repeatedly?
292
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:16,926
I'm wondering...
293
00:11:17,092 --> 00:11:20,597
I wonder if there's just
a better approach to that?
294
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,308
Conceivably, I could just
not mention math at all.
295
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,694
Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah.
296
00:11:24,819 --> 00:11:30,149
We could go with your idea
just not doing it at all...
297
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,859
Ever again.
298
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,455
But seriously,
even if you're just doing
299
00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:38,391
anything simple like removing
a beneficiary from a will
300
00:11:38,516 --> 00:11:39,657
or adding people on,
301
00:11:39,823 --> 00:11:42,493
a lot of the sort of
the day-to-day maintenance stuff
302
00:11:42,659 --> 00:11:45,182
you can kind of do yourself online,
303
00:11:45,307 --> 00:11:47,033
but shh, you didn't hear that from me
304
00:11:47,158 --> 00:11:49,917
because I'll be putting myself
out of business.
305
00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:51,502
- [Laughter]
- This guy.
306
00:11:51,668 --> 00:11:53,838
You know, Ava,
it's really fun to joke around,
307
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:57,510
but on a serious tip,
it's important for your family
308
00:11:57,635 --> 00:12:01,231
to leave a will to ease
the burden on your children
309
00:12:01,356 --> 00:12:03,139
and your grandchildren.
310
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:06,100
- [Applause]
- Wow
311
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,396
honey, oh, my God.
You were so good!
312
00:12:10,562 --> 00:12:12,776
- Thanks, babe.
- Christopher.
313
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:14,327
- Yeah?
- You were magnificent.
314
00:12:14,452 --> 00:12:15,328
Oh, thanks, Ava. Wow.
315
00:12:15,453 --> 00:12:16,694
Well, you groped me.
316
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:18,248
Course I did.
317
00:12:18,373 --> 00:12:20,490
It's totally legal
now that I'm "ya boss."
318
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,968
Hmm?
319
00:12:22,093 --> 00:12:24,254
Lawyer Derek is out.
You, my friend, are in.
320
00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:26,089
- Really?
- Did you hear that, Reagan?
321
00:12:26,214 --> 00:12:28,915
Chris is going to be
here all the time.
322
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:29,999
Wow.
323
00:12:30,165 --> 00:12:32,545
This is amazing.
We can carpool together.
324
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,231
Eat breakfast, lunch,
and dinner together.
325
00:12:34,356 --> 00:12:35,882
Talk about our crazy boss together.
326
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:36,881
That's me.
327
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,235
It's not, like, going to be...
328
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,759
It's not going to be that much?
329
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:41,844
Both: All the time.
330
00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:46,860
Both chanting:
All the time, all the time.
331
00:12:46,985 --> 00:12:49,018
- All the time.
- Uh.
332
00:12:49,184 --> 00:12:50,812
- Both: All the time.
- Brr.
333
00:12:55,498 --> 00:12:56,693
Daddy.
334
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,026
Don't you look dashing?
335
00:12:58,193 --> 00:12:59,327
Well, I have to keep up with
336
00:12:59,452 --> 00:13:01,906
the fabulous woman
you blossomed into.
337
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,000
Oh. I'm so excited to go out
to dinner with you, daddy.
338
00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:06,134
Me too.
339
00:13:06,259 --> 00:13:07,620
I'd like to have you all to myself.
340
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:09,671
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
341
00:13:09,796 --> 00:13:11,473
And you know, I thought that
342
00:13:11,598 --> 00:13:14,085
Linda and the twins
shouldn't miss this moment.
343
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:16,878
But I thought
it was just going to be us.
344
00:13:17,045 --> 00:13:18,046
It is us.
345
00:13:18,213 --> 00:13:22,468
And Linda and the twins.
346
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,236
Isn't this great?
347
00:13:24,361 --> 00:13:25,596
- Daddy.
- Yes?
348
00:13:25,762 --> 00:13:27,640
Are you avoiding me?
349
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,658
Don't be so dramatic.
350
00:13:29,783 --> 00:13:32,577
Do you know who you sound like?
J.K. Rowling.
351
00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:33,895
God bless her success,
352
00:13:34,062 --> 00:13:37,866
but you write a story on
12 pages of strong card stock.
353
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:41,154
Oh! That is magic.
354
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,837
- You know what?
- No.
355
00:13:42,962 --> 00:13:44,289
Fine.
356
00:13:44,414 --> 00:13:48,576
We'll just say here,
and I'll whip something up.
357
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:50,244
It's going to be great.
358
00:13:50,369 --> 00:13:51,414
Well, yummy.
359
00:13:54,391 --> 00:13:56,885
- Hey, babe.
- Oh, my...
360
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:59,137
Honey, hi.
What are you doing here?
361
00:13:59,262 --> 00:14:01,841
I thought your segment
doesn't shoot till tomorrow?
362
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:02,924
Yeah, just been
getting a jump on that.
363
00:14:03,049 --> 00:14:04,258
You know what?
364
00:14:04,383 --> 00:14:05,428
I've been studying
Ava's show demographics
365
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:06,544
and I think we ought
to do a whole thing
366
00:14:06,669 --> 00:14:07,812
about the glass ceiling
and equal pay.
367
00:14:07,937 --> 00:14:09,230
How did you get that?
That drawer's locked.
368
00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:10,482
Oh, wait a minute, babe.
[Telephone rings]
369
00:14:10,607 --> 00:14:12,310
Put a pin in it.
I gave reception this extension.
370
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:13,935
Go for Chris Brinkley.
371
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,689
- Your father is on line one.
- Yeah, put him through.
372
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:18,232
How fun is this?
It's like our living room here.
373
00:14:18,398 --> 00:14:19,874
Hold on a second,
I gotta deal with this.
374
00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:21,694
- Cool. Oh.
- Hey, dad.
375
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,071
Yeah.
No, I got your email.
376
00:14:24,237 --> 00:14:26,229
He hanged himself, not hung himself.
377
00:14:26,354 --> 00:14:27,832
If he hung himself,
you'd put him on a wall.
378
00:14:27,957 --> 00:14:29,617
Right?
You'll get it.
379
00:14:29,742 --> 00:14:31,496
All right.
No, no, no.
380
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,755
That's the part
that always gets me too.
381
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,043
Rea... babe, babe, babe.
You gotta check out this video.
382
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,629
There's this cat...
Flushes the toilet.
383
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,173
It's buffering right now,
but any time.
384
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:43,841
Okay.
385
00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:46,511
[Ava's voice]
Hi, my name is Chris Brinkley.
386
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,554
I really like to file my nails a lot
387
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,288
because I'm sort of like a girl,
but I'm also your husband.
388
00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:50,765
Bye!
389
00:14:51,564 --> 00:14:53,408
[Chris's voice]
Hi. I'm Ava.
390
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:54,909
Listen, I just had sex
with a leprechaun
391
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:57,939
and his skin rubbed off
onto my dress.
392
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,899
Wait a minute!
I'm not gonna say that!
393
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,199
- That's terrible.
- Ava.
394
00:15:01,324 --> 00:15:03,651
I gotta go pee pee.
Come with me to the bathroom.
395
00:15:03,776 --> 00:15:05,253
Oh, my God, a good
old-fashioned gossip sesh?
396
00:15:05,378 --> 00:15:07,155
We have so much
we need to break down.
397
00:15:07,322 --> 00:15:09,424
Okay, so first of all,
398
00:15:09,549 --> 00:15:11,869
I heard that Donna from H.R.
and then our temp security guard
399
00:15:12,035 --> 00:15:13,511
are totally doing it.
400
00:15:13,636 --> 00:15:14,914
And Missy's full-on preggos.
401
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,625
[Missy]
Um, occupied.
402
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:20,336
Isn't it so great having Chris
here all the time constantly?
403
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:21,754
I mean, it's like,
404
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,557
what's so great is that
one minute he's here,
405
00:15:25,682 --> 00:15:27,359
being awesome,
and then the next minute,
406
00:15:27,484 --> 00:15:29,512
he's, like, there,
doing something classic.
407
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,556
- He's driving you crazy.
- He's driving me insane.
408
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,366
Seriously, honey,
I want him to be happy,
409
00:15:34,491 --> 00:15:37,185
but this can't be a regular thing.
410
00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:38,354
I've got work to do.
411
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,107
Boo! Smoking in the girls' room, huh?
412
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,483
- Yeah.
- Still occupied.
413
00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:44,192
You guys want
to do the mile high club?
414
00:15:44,317 --> 00:15:45,903
I'm kidding.
It's not a plane. I'm just...
415
00:15:46,069 --> 00:15:48,573
- Oh, you...
- I'm kidding.
416
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:50,031
[Whispers] Help me.
417
00:15:50,156 --> 00:15:52,751
I mean, if having him here
is a pain in the butt for you,
418
00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:53,828
let's get rid of him.
419
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:55,369
But you have to tell him, okay?
420
00:15:55,494 --> 00:15:56,622
It would be too hard for me to do it.
421
00:15:56,788 --> 00:15:59,340
Of course. No one
should have to fire a lover.
422
00:15:59,465 --> 00:16:01,009
I mean, think how fraught it was
423
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,880
for governor Schwarzenegger
and that handsome maid.
424
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,090
Yeah, no, that was...
We all really felt for him.
425
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,850
Okay, so I will take care of Chris
426
00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:10,735
if you'll return the favor.
427
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:12,555
Can you please tell
my dad to go home?
428
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:13,639
What do you mean?
429
00:16:13,805 --> 00:16:16,074
He never wants to be alone.
Just the two of us.
430
00:16:16,199 --> 00:16:17,859
He's always giving so much
to everybody else
431
00:16:17,984 --> 00:16:20,354
that he has nothing left for me.
432
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,613
Do you know what
we're doing for dinner tonight?
433
00:16:21,738 --> 00:16:22,914
It's supposed to be me and him.
434
00:16:23,039 --> 00:16:24,499
Instead, I'm picking up tacos for him
435
00:16:24,624 --> 00:16:26,819
and those three freeloaders.
436
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:29,196
Missy, get back in that stall!
437
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,573
- Thank you.
- Hey.
438
00:16:32,698 --> 00:16:34,285
Christopher, listen.
439
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,830
Unfortunately, we can't have
you on the show anymore.
440
00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:39,957
- What?
- What's the problem?
441
00:16:40,123 --> 00:16:42,376
This is coming out of left field.
442
00:16:42,542 --> 00:16:44,085
We're going to have to let you go
443
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:47,256
because our regular legal guy,
Derek, is sick.
444
00:16:47,422 --> 00:16:49,342
He has a disease,
445
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,259
so he needs the health insurance.
446
00:16:51,426 --> 00:16:53,346
What's wrong with him?
Is he okay or...
447
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:54,479
Probably not.
448
00:16:54,604 --> 00:16:58,149
Um, it's M.S.
Multiple sclerosis.
449
00:16:58,274 --> 00:17:02,521
Really? M.S.?
That's--that's kind of a lot.
450
00:17:02,687 --> 00:17:04,155
Yeah, it is a lot, Reagan.
451
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,274
It's multiple...
Sclerosis.
452
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:09,487
So it's kind of a lot of "scleroses."
453
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:11,663
Oh, poor Derek.
454
00:17:11,788 --> 00:17:12,865
- Poor Derek.
- God.
455
00:17:13,339 --> 00:17:15,034
- I'm so sorry, honey.
- Yeah.
456
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,335
Oh, God, no.
Are you kidding?
457
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:18,336
No, no.
458
00:17:18,461 --> 00:17:19,705
That's... I mean,
459
00:17:19,871 --> 00:17:22,590
this was fun, but the poor guy.
460
00:17:22,715 --> 00:17:24,592
Poor guy.
461
00:17:24,717 --> 00:17:25,836
I'm fine.
Yeah, no, no.
462
00:17:26,002 --> 00:17:28,646
I'll just...
I'll just take off.
463
00:17:28,771 --> 00:17:30,265
Maybe I'll swing by and get
some hair and makeup samples.
464
00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:31,258
- Yeah.
- I'm kidding.
465
00:17:31,424 --> 00:17:32,426
Good idea.
466
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:34,018
I'm not going to...
Unless,
467
00:17:34,143 --> 00:17:35,937
do you know is Heather's around
this time of...
468
00:17:36,062 --> 00:17:37,974
- Sure, I'm sure she is.
- It's a bit, it's classic.
469
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,776
Honestly, the poor guy.
I'm so sorry to hear about that.
470
00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:43,611
Poor guy.
It's just so awful...
471
00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:44,897
I'll make sure hair
and makeup's okay.
472
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:47,525
That that happened to him.
473
00:17:53,612 --> 00:17:55,574
Ava Beth.
474
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:56,708
Daddy?
475
00:17:56,833 --> 00:17:58,159
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
476
00:17:58,326 --> 00:18:00,712
Well, you know, Reagan told us
that you were swamped at work,
477
00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:03,374
so I thought we would just
take off a day early.
478
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,833
Oh, yeah.
It's the show, you know.
479
00:18:05,958 --> 00:18:08,836
Oh, believe me.
I get it.
480
00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:12,591
You're trying to connect,
and I am so jive.
481
00:18:12,757 --> 00:18:14,760
No, daddy, you're never jive.
482
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:15,810
Oh, sweetie.
483
00:18:15,935 --> 00:18:19,056
I have been jive right down the line.
484
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:22,309
So this is what I really want to say.
485
00:18:22,475 --> 00:18:25,396
I haven't been the father
I should be.
486
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,065
I wasn't there
when I should have been.
487
00:18:28,231 --> 00:18:31,793
You're trying to connect.
I'm avoiding.
488
00:18:31,918 --> 00:18:35,363
And I just am...
I'm so filled with guilt.
489
00:18:35,530 --> 00:18:38,699
Just like Jesse
in A Hot Day For Hopscotch
490
00:18:38,824 --> 00:18:40,084
when he's afraid to tell the fuzz
491
00:18:40,209 --> 00:18:41,202
who opened that fire hydrant,
492
00:18:41,327 --> 00:18:42,496
but when he did it, it felt so good.
493
00:18:42,662 --> 00:18:44,639
And officer kindly, he understood
494
00:18:44,764 --> 00:18:49,477
because he was sweltering too.
495
00:18:49,602 --> 00:18:50,595
I'm sorry about this line.
496
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,006
We're going to be here for a while.
497
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,258
Good.
498
00:19:02,056 --> 00:19:04,600
So you're sure
you're not disappointed?
499
00:19:04,725 --> 00:19:06,353
- No, of course not, babe.
- Okay.
500
00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:08,554
I mean, yeah, sure.
501
00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:12,024
I loved doing it, but you know,
the guy's got an illness.
502
00:19:12,149 --> 00:19:13,859
You just got to step aside, right?
503
00:19:13,984 --> 00:19:15,344
Do the right thing, so.
504
00:19:15,469 --> 00:19:17,239
Listen, I'm just happy
that I got the chance.
505
00:19:17,405 --> 00:19:18,897
- Okay.
- Thanks, babe.
506
00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,974
- Oh.
- You're the best.
507
00:19:27,381 --> 00:19:31,367
I told Ava to fire you.
508
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,924
What?
509
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:35,998
I'm sorry, honey.
510
00:19:36,123 --> 00:19:38,000
It was just...
Just having you at work,
511
00:19:38,125 --> 00:19:39,534
it was just too much.
512
00:19:39,659 --> 00:19:41,170
You know me.
I need my space.
513
00:19:41,295 --> 00:19:43,265
And you were just...
You were always there
514
00:19:43,431 --> 00:19:48,562
with your jokes and your mug
just constantly in my grill.
515
00:19:48,728 --> 00:19:49,711
And to be honest with you, honey,
516
00:19:49,836 --> 00:19:52,274
you were just driving me bananas.
517
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,068
Why did you just tell me all that?
518
00:19:54,725 --> 00:19:57,488
Because I want to be honest with you.
519
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,321
To who's benefit?
520
00:19:59,446 --> 00:20:00,856
I was just feeling good about myself
521
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:03,452
about stepping aside
for a guy who was sick.
522
00:20:03,618 --> 00:20:07,248
I'm so sorry, honey.
I felt horrible lying to you.
523
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,248
So, you want
to make yourself feel better
524
00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:10,793
by making me feel bad?
525
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:14,296
No, I didn't tell you that
you sucked the first time.
526
00:20:14,462 --> 00:20:16,071
Wow, you just added that too huh?
527
00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:18,540
You're just adding stuff,
and you're just making it worse.
528
00:20:18,665 --> 00:20:21,011
It's like, babe, I can't even...
529
00:20:21,177 --> 00:20:22,263
It's that bronzer?
530
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:25,381
Yes. It's from the...
It's a bit.
531
00:20:25,506 --> 00:20:27,309
Remember?
I was doing that thing...
532
00:20:27,475 --> 00:20:28,267
All right, look.
533
00:20:28,392 --> 00:20:30,135
I'm sorry.
I feel horrible.
534
00:20:30,260 --> 00:20:33,105
And I shouldn't
have been honest with you.
535
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:34,483
Now you do it to me.
536
00:20:34,649 --> 00:20:36,402
You need to be honest with me
about something bad
537
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,779
or I'm going to feel guilty
about it all night.
538
00:20:38,945 --> 00:20:41,069
[Sighs]
539
00:20:43,682 --> 00:20:45,811
I never told you this before
540
00:20:45,936 --> 00:20:47,371
because I didn't know
how you were going to react.
541
00:20:49,672 --> 00:20:52,610
Reagan, you keep getting beautiful
more and more everyday.
542
00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:55,087
And I keep falling in love with you
more and more everyday.
543
00:21:01,355 --> 00:21:02,622
You dick!
544
00:21:03,636 --> 00:21:06,473
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www.addic7ed.com