1 00:00:02,407 --> 00:00:04,275 (church organ playing) 2 00:00:13,683 --> 00:00:15,550 Give me that thing. 3 00:00:15,601 --> 00:00:17,326 You color like a mental patient. 4 00:00:17,327 --> 00:00:17,919 Maw Maw. 5 00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:19,354 If you continue to embarrass us, 6 00:00:19,421 --> 00:00:20,605 we're going to start dropping you off 7 00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:21,740 at the Korean church again. 8 00:00:21,807 --> 00:00:23,558 She's a terrible drawer. 9 00:00:23,609 --> 00:00:25,060 She made Joseph all blue. 10 00:00:25,111 --> 00:00:27,428 And Mary's got furry monkey arms. 11 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,563 So what? 12 00:00:28,614 --> 00:00:30,148 Maybe she had hairy arms. 13 00:00:30,232 --> 00:00:32,067 It's probably why she stayed a virgin. 14 00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:33,652 WOMAN: Good morning. 15 00:00:33,736 --> 00:00:35,120 I'd like to mention 16 00:00:35,204 --> 00:00:37,539 that one of my Heaven's Helpers volunteers 17 00:00:37,607 --> 00:00:39,908 did a wonderful job on beautifying 18 00:00:39,976 --> 00:00:41,042 the church's landscaping. 19 00:00:41,110 --> 00:00:42,276 Here it comes. 20 00:00:42,328 --> 00:00:43,945 Does this face look humble? 21 00:00:43,996 --> 00:00:46,214 It's all a part of the Spring into Spring campaign 22 00:00:46,281 --> 00:00:48,066 that I organized. 23 00:00:48,134 --> 00:00:50,251 I'd like to recognize the parishioner 24 00:00:50,303 --> 00:00:54,673 who donated his time and talent for this project. 25 00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:56,624 But... 26 00:00:56,676 --> 00:00:58,793 he doesn't do it for the recognition. 27 00:00:58,844 --> 00:01:00,845 None of my volunteers here do. 28 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:03,848 They follow the example that I set. 29 00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:06,101 I don't do it for the glory. 30 00:01:06,152 --> 00:01:08,302 I do it for the Lordy. 31 00:01:12,858 --> 00:01:14,492 No. It's not about me, 32 00:01:14,577 --> 00:01:15,844 but thank you. 33 00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:18,479 So you'll be happy to know 34 00:01:18,531 --> 00:01:20,665 that I will run for another term 35 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,084 as chairperson of Heaven's Helpers. 36 00:01:23,152 --> 00:01:25,120 I'll formally accept my nomination 37 00:01:25,171 --> 00:01:28,373 next Tuesday, right after Bible hymn karaoke. 38 00:01:28,457 --> 00:01:29,758 ♪ ♪ 39 00:01:32,511 --> 00:01:34,846 Are those pesos? 40 00:01:34,930 --> 00:01:36,214 Yeah. 41 00:01:36,298 --> 00:01:39,634 I won a bet from a gal at work. It's all she had. 44 00:01:44,006 --> 00:01:45,690 (chuckles) 45 00:01:47,393 --> 00:01:49,227 VIRGINIA: All right, Jimmy, come on. 46 00:01:49,311 --> 00:01:50,729 It's time to put on your costume. 47 00:01:50,813 --> 00:01:52,013 Costume for what? 48 00:01:52,064 --> 00:01:53,481 You'll think it's weird, 49 00:01:53,532 --> 00:01:55,233 but ever since we stopped getting the Sunday paper, 50 00:01:55,317 --> 00:01:57,185 we started making up and acting out our own funnies. 51 00:01:57,236 --> 00:01:58,987 (grunts) 52 00:01:59,038 --> 00:02:02,757 I don't really feel like doing the comics this morning. 53 00:02:02,825 --> 00:02:04,192 Oh, come on, Burt. 54 00:02:04,243 --> 00:02:05,710 You know I've been waiting all week for this. 55 00:02:05,795 --> 00:02:06,868 Yeah, I was waiting all week 56 00:02:06,869 --> 00:02:09,130 for a little acknowledgment for my church volunteer work. 57 00:02:09,198 --> 00:02:10,799 I was even practicing all this. 58 00:02:12,301 --> 00:02:13,585 Sarah Louise is running for reelection. 59 00:02:13,669 --> 00:02:14,919 You should run against her. 60 00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:16,120 Then, when you're in charge, 61 00:02:16,121 --> 00:02:18,473 you can make sure everybody gets the credit they deserve. 62 00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:20,608 No way. Do not cross Sarah Louise. 63 00:02:20,676 --> 00:02:22,477 You remember what happened when Ernie Sawyer 64 00:02:22,544 --> 00:02:24,562 ran against her, and then he fell off the wagon? 65 00:02:24,647 --> 00:02:25,847 She made him start drinking? 66 00:02:25,898 --> 00:02:27,182 No, she scared the horses, 67 00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:28,883 and he flew off the back of the hayride. 68 00:02:30,186 --> 00:02:31,236 He was drunk, though. 69 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,553 But they say that's what saved him. 70 00:02:32,605 --> 00:02:34,522 Maybe I should run against her. 71 00:02:34,573 --> 00:02:36,557 It's time someone stood up to Sarah Louise. 72 00:02:36,609 --> 00:02:38,993 SABRINA: Hey. If you run against her, I'll be your campaign manager. 73 00:02:39,061 --> 00:02:40,139 But only if you let me go negative, 74 00:02:40,140 --> 00:02:42,080 'cause I just don't think we can win on your accomplishments. 75 00:02:42,164 --> 00:02:43,064 VIRGINIA: You know what? 76 00:02:43,115 --> 00:02:45,277 I was going to start with Beetle Bailey this week, 77 00:02:45,278 --> 00:02:47,401 but I think you need to learn a very important lesson 78 00:02:47,453 --> 00:02:48,920 from some of America's favorite kids. 79 00:02:49,004 --> 00:02:50,672 Just give me five minutes to rewrite this week's script. 80 00:02:51,874 --> 00:02:53,792 VIRGINIA: Okay. 81 00:02:55,745 --> 00:02:57,245 (Vince Guaraldi's "Linus and Lucy" plays) 82 00:02:57,296 --> 00:02:59,881 - VIRGINIA: Is everybody ready? - I really should be Marcie. 83 00:02:59,932 --> 00:03:02,684 I'm the only one with an actual lesbian experience. 84 00:03:02,751 --> 00:03:04,519 Maw Maw, I've told you before, watching Ellen 85 00:03:04,586 --> 00:03:07,272 isn't considered a lesbian experience, okay? 86 00:03:07,356 --> 00:03:08,273 Ready? Go. 87 00:03:08,357 --> 00:03:09,557 Come on, Charlie Brown. 88 00:03:09,608 --> 00:03:11,776 Do it. You'd be everyone's hero. 89 00:03:11,861 --> 00:03:13,778 Yeah, trust me, Charlie Brown. 90 00:03:13,863 --> 00:03:15,113 You guys are right. 91 00:03:15,197 --> 00:03:16,981 I think I can do it. 92 00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:18,817 What's the worst thing that can happen? 93 00:03:18,901 --> 00:03:20,318 (chuckling) 94 00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,956 BURT: Aah! 95 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,825 (laughing) 96 00:03:26,909 --> 00:03:28,743 (groaning) 97 00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:30,295 VIRGINIA: This is exactly what will happen 98 00:03:30,379 --> 00:03:33,014 if you run against Sarah Louise. 99 00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:34,916 (groaning) 100 00:03:40,639 --> 00:03:42,340 Good grief. 101 00:03:43,859 --> 00:03:45,743 Whoo! 102 00:03:45,811 --> 00:03:47,212 ♪ Here we go ♪ 103 00:03:47,279 --> 00:03:50,181 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪ 104 00:03:50,266 --> 00:03:52,700 (electric organ playing) 105 00:03:56,906 --> 00:03:59,524 Well, I'd like to start the meeting, but, apparently, 106 00:03:59,608 --> 00:04:01,659 Carl's sister is running late to pick him up. 107 00:04:01,744 --> 00:04:02,660 Poor blind fellow. 108 00:04:02,745 --> 00:04:04,312 Music's all he's got. 109 00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:05,697 And he's not as good 110 00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:08,283 as most blind musicians I've seen on TV. 111 00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,151 Hey, my ears work, okay? 112 00:04:10,202 --> 00:04:12,653 As does my middle finger. 113 00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:15,006 Poor thing. 114 00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,542 He's flipping the bird to a poster of Bethlehem. 115 00:04:17,626 --> 00:04:20,345 Thanks, Virginia. 116 00:04:20,429 --> 00:04:22,063 Oh, she's in the crosshairs now. 117 00:04:22,131 --> 00:04:23,464 All right. 118 00:04:23,516 --> 00:04:25,016 Everybody saw it. 119 00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:26,384 You can put it down, Carl. 120 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:29,470 Tonight's first order of business 121 00:04:29,522 --> 00:04:31,856 will be to formally nominate candidates 122 00:04:31,941 --> 00:04:34,442 for chairperson of Heaven's Helpers. 123 00:04:34,509 --> 00:04:36,477 Put it down, Carl. 124 00:04:38,564 --> 00:04:41,533 Do it. Nominate me. No. It's a suicide mission. 125 00:04:41,617 --> 00:04:43,952 Since I'm unopposed again... 126 00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:45,453 I nominate Burt Chance. 127 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,538 (plays dramatic flourish) 128 00:04:47,856 --> 00:04:48,957 (whispering): Thank you, Carl. 129 00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:50,041 (laughing) 130 00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:52,193 Okay. (Burt chuckles) 131 00:04:52,244 --> 00:04:54,262 Good for you, Burt. 132 00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,197 In two weeks, at the next meeting, 133 00:04:56,248 --> 00:04:59,167 both of us will make brief speeches, 134 00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:01,302 and all members in attendance will vote. 135 00:05:01,370 --> 00:05:02,470 (sighs) Sorry I'm late. 136 00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:05,139 My mouthwash gave my Breathalyzer 137 00:05:05,207 --> 00:05:07,842 a false reading, so my car wouldn't start. 138 00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:08,709 (whispering): Bye, Carl. 139 00:05:10,229 --> 00:05:12,180 He's good. 140 00:05:12,231 --> 00:05:15,016 As some of you may have heard, 141 00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,884 Carl's sister Gwen's moving away. 142 00:05:16,936 --> 00:05:18,552 Rehab. 143 00:05:18,604 --> 00:05:20,939 Luckily for him, I stepped in. 144 00:05:21,023 --> 00:05:23,441 Next week, Heaven's Helpers will present Carl 145 00:05:23,525 --> 00:05:25,293 with his very own guide animal. 146 00:05:25,361 --> 00:05:26,244 Isn't that wonderful? 147 00:05:27,613 --> 00:05:29,781 We do, however, need someone 148 00:05:29,865 --> 00:05:32,000 to care for the animal until the presentation. 149 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,418 No. 150 00:05:33,502 --> 00:05:35,903 I spend half the week vacuuming up Maw Maw's hair. 151 00:05:35,955 --> 00:05:37,288 I'm not adding an animal. 152 00:05:37,373 --> 00:05:39,874 I would do it myself, but... 153 00:05:39,925 --> 00:05:42,293 since I'm sure Burt would like to prove 154 00:05:42,378 --> 00:05:44,796 to everyone that he can be in charge... 155 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,966 I would really love to help out here, 156 00:05:48,050 --> 00:05:51,269 but, uh, unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs. 157 00:05:51,353 --> 00:05:52,854 Well, praise the Lord. 158 00:05:52,921 --> 00:05:54,522 Carl is, too. 159 00:05:54,589 --> 00:05:55,756 (snorting) 160 00:05:55,808 --> 00:05:57,058 I hate that pig. 161 00:05:57,109 --> 00:05:58,476 Me, too. 162 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,727 We're talking about Sarah Louise, right? 163 00:05:59,778 --> 00:06:01,279 'Cause this one seems pretty nice. 164 00:06:01,363 --> 00:06:02,430 (chuckling) 165 00:06:06,056 --> 00:06:08,176 I'm home! I think. 166 00:06:08,313 --> 00:06:10,264 Mom, you should've been on that walk. 167 00:06:10,315 --> 00:06:12,100 Hope loves having a pet. 168 00:06:12,151 --> 00:06:14,018 Maw Maw put her on Mr. Curly Tail's back, 169 00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:16,270 and it... it looked just like a little rodeo. 170 00:06:16,321 --> 00:06:17,522 I mean, you know, if cowboys 171 00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:19,323 in rodeos had giant old ladies 172 00:06:19,408 --> 00:06:20,525 behind them holding them on. 173 00:06:21,894 --> 00:06:23,478 You had to be there. 174 00:06:23,545 --> 00:06:26,380 Burt, this isn't going to be as easy as you think. 175 00:06:26,432 --> 00:06:28,182 This thing is full 176 00:06:28,233 --> 00:06:30,101 of special care instructions. 177 00:06:30,185 --> 00:06:32,570 Purified water? 178 00:06:32,654 --> 00:06:35,523 Pesticide-free fruits and vegetables? 179 00:06:35,574 --> 00:06:38,392 You think you're better than us, don't you? 180 00:06:38,444 --> 00:06:39,827 (laughs) Hey, guys. 181 00:06:39,895 --> 00:06:41,863 I just heard that one of your neighbors got a pig. 182 00:06:41,914 --> 00:06:43,664 And now you're not the trashiest people on the... 183 00:06:46,735 --> 00:06:47,902 Sorry. 184 00:06:47,953 --> 00:06:50,788 BURT: In just five days, they're going to present that to Carl. 185 00:06:50,873 --> 00:06:52,090 We spent longer than that 186 00:06:52,174 --> 00:06:53,925 trying to win a "hands on a Jet Ski" contest. 187 00:06:54,009 --> 00:06:56,076 And we would have won, too, if they hadn't have let 188 00:06:56,128 --> 00:06:57,428 that jerk with the colostomy bag enter. 189 00:06:57,513 --> 00:06:59,046 Plus, it'll give me great stuff to brag about 190 00:06:59,098 --> 00:07:00,598 in two weeks when I make my big speech. 191 00:07:00,682 --> 00:07:04,769 Burt, you know how ruthless Sarah Louise is. 192 00:07:04,853 --> 00:07:08,272 And you're not the best public speaker. 193 00:07:08,357 --> 00:07:10,892 I just don't want to see you get hurt. 194 00:07:10,943 --> 00:07:13,093 Hey, I could... I could help you with your speech if you want. 195 00:07:13,145 --> 00:07:14,729 I-I learned a trick in my public speaking course. 196 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,364 If it's the old classic "picture everybody naked," 197 00:07:16,431 --> 00:07:17,815 you can forget about it. 198 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:18,983 Burt always pictures everybody naked. 199 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,318 We both do. 200 00:07:20,402 --> 00:07:22,153 Some people have Cinemax. 201 00:07:22,237 --> 00:07:24,372 We have our imagination. 202 00:07:24,439 --> 00:07:27,107 JIMMY: Living with a pig in your house might sound crazy, 203 00:07:27,159 --> 00:07:29,877 but we all fell in love with Mr. Curly Tail. 204 00:07:29,945 --> 00:07:31,546 Except Mom. 205 00:07:33,651 --> 00:07:35,871 ♪ 206 00:07:36,551 --> 00:07:38,218 (groans) 207 00:07:41,390 --> 00:07:43,391 Hey. Twins. 208 00:07:43,458 --> 00:07:44,725 (groans) 209 00:07:47,896 --> 00:07:49,847 (screams) 210 00:07:49,932 --> 00:07:51,349 He was cold. 211 00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:53,184 I was afraid he'd get the swine flu. 212 00:07:53,268 --> 00:07:54,652 What...? 213 00:07:54,736 --> 00:07:57,104 Shh. 214 00:08:03,662 --> 00:08:05,530 He never saw Babe. 215 00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:10,651 Two out of three, Mr. Curly Tail. 216 00:08:10,702 --> 00:08:12,086 (Maw Maw laughs, Virginia whimpers) 217 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,841 MAW MAW: No...! (Virginia gasps) 218 00:08:19,828 --> 00:08:21,295 Hey, Virginia. 219 00:08:21,346 --> 00:08:23,163 Check this out. 220 00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:27,501 Curly, newspaper. 221 00:08:27,553 --> 00:08:29,587 Burt, we don't get the newspaper. 222 00:08:29,655 --> 00:08:31,639 Oh, I know. He steals it from the neighbors. 223 00:08:31,690 --> 00:08:32,974 Listen, I'm going down to the grocery store. 224 00:08:33,025 --> 00:08:35,893 Sabrina's going to help me with my very funny speech. 225 00:08:35,978 --> 00:08:37,895 There's no Polish people in our church, right? 226 00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:39,197 You better be taking that pig with you. 227 00:08:39,281 --> 00:08:40,448 I don't want to be alone with him. 228 00:08:40,515 --> 00:08:41,949 You're not alone. Maw Maw's right here. 229 00:08:42,017 --> 00:08:43,851 Unless she's dead. 230 00:08:43,902 --> 00:08:45,069 Nah. Alive. 231 00:08:45,153 --> 00:08:46,120 Leave him if you want. 232 00:08:46,187 --> 00:08:47,488 That stupid pig is on his own. 233 00:08:47,539 --> 00:08:48,789 I'm watching this TV show 234 00:08:48,857 --> 00:08:50,241 where they find wedding dresses 235 00:08:50,325 --> 00:08:52,526 that look good on oddly-shaped women. 236 00:08:52,578 --> 00:08:54,462 I think today's got conjoined twins. 237 00:08:54,529 --> 00:08:56,464 Oh, that is a lucky groom. 238 00:08:56,531 --> 00:08:58,499 (snorting) 239 00:08:58,550 --> 00:08:59,967 (laughing) 240 00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:01,742 Come on, you got to love this guy. 241 00:09:01,743 --> 00:09:02,169 Ugh. 242 00:09:04,372 --> 00:09:07,141 ANNOUNCER (on TV): Today, Beth tries on gown number seven 243 00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:09,677 while her sister Tanya still can't find a bridesmaid's dress 244 00:09:09,728 --> 00:09:11,211 that doesn't make her hip look big. 245 00:09:11,263 --> 00:09:13,014 You hang in there, Tanya. 246 00:09:13,065 --> 00:09:14,515 Beth found her Mr. Right. 247 00:09:14,566 --> 00:09:16,550 You'll find your Mr. Left. 248 00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:22,523 (choking) 249 00:09:30,198 --> 00:09:33,200 (gasping) 250 00:09:34,336 --> 00:09:36,203 Holy crap, pig. 251 00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:38,039 You saved my life. 252 00:09:39,541 --> 00:09:41,759 You saved my life, pig. 253 00:09:41,843 --> 00:09:43,628 Oh, my God. 254 00:09:43,712 --> 00:09:47,414 You're like Lassie without all the attitude. 255 00:09:47,466 --> 00:09:50,885 Not even my own grandmother would wake up to save me. 256 00:09:50,936 --> 00:09:52,069 I was awake. 257 00:09:52,137 --> 00:09:55,389 Thought you were trying to trick me into giving up the good chair. 258 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,424 This couch is way more comfortable than that chair. 259 00:09:57,476 --> 00:09:59,193 Oh. 260 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:01,095 (choking) 261 00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:07,902 In conclusion, fellow parishioners, 262 00:10:07,953 --> 00:10:11,789 I would like to be chairperson of Heaven's Helpers 263 00:10:11,873 --> 00:10:13,374 so that you can get 264 00:10:13,441 --> 00:10:15,710 the credit that you deserve 265 00:10:15,777 --> 00:10:18,296 without making everything about me. 266 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,214 You're still kind of doing this thing with your hands. 267 00:10:20,281 --> 00:10:21,499 - Aah! Still? - VIRGINIA: Burt! 268 00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:23,834 Burt, you were right about Mr. Curly Tail. 269 00:10:23,919 --> 00:10:25,670 He is a genius. 270 00:10:25,754 --> 00:10:28,639 I was choking, and he saved my life. 271 00:10:28,724 --> 00:10:30,124 I told you, he's a genius. 272 00:10:30,175 --> 00:10:31,592 I decided to come and get Mr. Curly Tail 273 00:10:31,643 --> 00:10:32,960 some of those organic apples you guys sell. 274 00:10:33,011 --> 00:10:34,345 We stopped selling organic stuff. 275 00:10:34,429 --> 00:10:36,564 See, the produce is really close to the restroom, 276 00:10:36,631 --> 00:10:37,898 and without pesticides, 277 00:10:37,966 --> 00:10:39,433 they just can't handle the air fresheners. 278 00:10:39,484 --> 00:10:40,851 However, our public restrooms 279 00:10:40,936 --> 00:10:42,636 were voted the best-smelling in Natesville. 280 00:10:42,688 --> 00:10:44,855 Fine. Then I guess I'll go out to that hippie farm 281 00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:45,990 and get some real organic apples. 282 00:10:46,074 --> 00:10:47,441 Hey. How'd that, uh, 283 00:10:47,492 --> 00:10:48,659 conjoined twin's wedding work out? 284 00:10:48,744 --> 00:10:50,328 Wild. At that part in the wedding 285 00:10:50,412 --> 00:10:52,330 when they ask if anyone has any objections, 286 00:10:52,414 --> 00:10:54,198 the bride's conjoined twin admitted 287 00:10:54,282 --> 00:10:56,250 that she had slept with the groom. 288 00:10:56,317 --> 00:10:58,252 (disappointed groan) 289 00:10:58,319 --> 00:11:01,789 I admit it, you were right, and I was wrong. 290 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,841 That really is one magnificent pig. 291 00:11:03,925 --> 00:11:05,492 And you know what? 292 00:11:05,544 --> 00:11:07,511 I'm gonna let him sleep in the bed tonight. 293 00:11:07,596 --> 00:11:09,997 Something smells good. 294 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,851 Whoa. 295 00:11:21,843 --> 00:11:23,811 Maw Maw. 296 00:11:23,862 --> 00:11:26,414 Please tell us you didn't butcher Mr. Curly Tail. 297 00:11:26,481 --> 00:11:27,865 Of course, I did. 298 00:11:27,949 --> 00:11:30,401 And if this is going to become a regular thing, 299 00:11:30,485 --> 00:11:32,887 we're gonna need a bigger freezer, sharper knives, 300 00:11:32,954 --> 00:11:34,789 and a much better mop. 301 00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:45,927 I can't eat him. 302 00:11:45,994 --> 00:11:47,161 He was a friend. 303 00:11:47,229 --> 00:11:48,546 Oh, get off it. 304 00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:50,515 I should've just told you it ran away, 305 00:11:50,599 --> 00:11:52,517 and I bought this at a store. 306 00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,719 It worked for Jimmy's pet rabbits. 307 00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:57,171 You killed Floppy and Pom-Pom? 308 00:11:57,239 --> 00:11:58,473 And you ate 'em. 309 00:11:58,524 --> 00:11:59,974 Those rabbits were stupid and worthless. 310 00:12:00,025 --> 00:12:02,009 This pig we're eating was a hero. 311 00:12:02,061 --> 00:12:06,647 He saved my life, and I couldn't save his. 312 00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:09,117 He was a damn good pig. He makes a damn good chop. 313 00:12:09,184 --> 00:12:09,688 Burt! 314 00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,703 Virginia, eat him or he would've died in vain. 315 00:12:11,787 --> 00:12:13,371 He would've wanted it this way. 316 00:12:13,455 --> 00:12:14,972 I'm sure Maw Maw made it quick and painless. 317 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,042 No, it was a hell of a struggle. 318 00:12:18,127 --> 00:12:22,530 It isn't easy trying to cut up a pig with a pizza cutter. 319 00:12:22,581 --> 00:12:24,415 Oh, God. Okay. 320 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:25,883 That did it for me. 321 00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:29,137 Who are you, and why are you always in our house? 322 00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:31,723 I guess we should save some for Carl so he gets something out of this. 323 00:12:31,807 --> 00:12:33,641 We're gonna have to change that speech we worked on. 324 00:12:33,708 --> 00:12:35,059 That's a pretty significant rewrite. 325 00:12:35,144 --> 00:12:36,394 A lot of our best points 326 00:12:36,478 --> 00:12:38,379 were about how you kept that pig alive for five days. 327 00:12:38,430 --> 00:12:39,847 Maybe you can just change it to "four days." 328 00:12:39,898 --> 00:12:41,315 Are you insane? 329 00:12:41,383 --> 00:12:43,401 There is no speech, there is no election. 330 00:12:43,485 --> 00:12:45,353 You are going in there tomorrow 331 00:12:45,404 --> 00:12:47,238 saying you killed a blind man's pig. 332 00:12:47,322 --> 00:12:49,073 Well, the election's not for a week. 333 00:12:49,158 --> 00:12:50,591 Maybe they'll just forget. 334 00:12:50,659 --> 00:12:53,111 Seriously, who are you? 335 00:12:53,195 --> 00:12:56,230 Burt, look, we screwed up. 336 00:12:56,281 --> 00:12:58,132 Okay? Forget the election. 337 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,400 This is what's gonna happen: 338 00:12:59,451 --> 00:13:01,035 We're gonna go in there tomorrow, 339 00:13:01,086 --> 00:13:03,871 say what we did, and we're gonna suffer the scorn, 340 00:13:03,922 --> 00:13:05,540 and we're gonna do it as a family. 341 00:13:05,591 --> 00:13:08,209 I mean, we got through the Easter fart. 342 00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:10,845 We got through Maw Maw dry- humping the St. Francis statue. 343 00:13:10,912 --> 00:13:12,063 He was no saint. 344 00:13:12,131 --> 00:13:14,415 Should've seen the way he was looking at me. 345 00:13:14,466 --> 00:13:18,686 Well, if tomorrow's our judgment day, might as well enjoy now. 346 00:13:22,608 --> 00:13:24,692 (sighs) 347 00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:28,229 I'm only doing this so you'll always be a part of me, okay? 348 00:13:33,535 --> 00:13:35,236 God, that is delicious. 349 00:13:35,287 --> 00:13:36,420 Mmm. 350 00:13:36,488 --> 00:13:38,956 (beeping) 351 00:13:39,041 --> 00:13:40,908 Hey. Sorry I'm late. 352 00:13:40,959 --> 00:13:42,877 Where's Burt? I wish I knew. 353 00:13:42,944 --> 00:13:44,545 He left before we woke up this morning. 354 00:13:44,613 --> 00:13:46,447 He missed a really good breakfast. 355 00:13:46,498 --> 00:13:49,283 We had ham and eggs, bacon, pigs in a blanket, 356 00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:51,052 and the blanket was ham. 357 00:13:51,119 --> 00:13:52,970 Burt, I don't know where the heck you went this morning, 358 00:13:53,055 --> 00:13:54,722 but we said we were gonna do this as a family, 359 00:13:54,789 --> 00:13:56,174 and I expect you to be here. 360 00:13:56,258 --> 00:13:57,592 Oh, hey, pig-ahoy. 361 00:14:00,262 --> 00:14:02,847 Burt, you found another Mr. Curly Tail? 362 00:14:02,931 --> 00:14:04,599 Like the Good Book probably says, 363 00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:06,434 "Have a little faith, then ye shall find-eth." 364 00:14:06,485 --> 00:14:08,986 There you are. 365 00:14:09,071 --> 00:14:10,988 We're just about to make the presentation. 366 00:14:11,073 --> 00:14:12,857 Give me that pig. 367 00:14:12,941 --> 00:14:14,609 Come on, let's go. Let's... going to work. 368 00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:16,744 Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 369 00:14:18,197 --> 00:14:19,780 This is amazing. 370 00:14:19,832 --> 00:14:21,982 I would've thought there's a waiting list for a service pig. 371 00:14:22,034 --> 00:14:23,167 I'm sure there is. 372 00:14:23,252 --> 00:14:24,652 But you can get a regular pig like that. 373 00:14:24,703 --> 00:14:28,623 So you just got some random animal off a farm? 374 00:14:28,674 --> 00:14:31,158 Petting zoo. For $100, the guy said I could have 375 00:14:31,210 --> 00:14:33,711 any animal I wanted, and I could do whatever I wanted with it. 376 00:14:33,795 --> 00:14:35,479 Then he winked at me. 377 00:14:35,547 --> 00:14:38,883 We are never taking Hope to that petting zoo. 378 00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:42,053 SARAH LOUISE: Just sweet, right? (applause) 379 00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:44,004 Just sweet, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. 380 00:14:44,056 --> 00:14:45,122 I'm not done. 381 00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:46,390 I've also thought to provide 382 00:14:46,475 --> 00:14:48,726 this pouch of treats that you can use to reward 383 00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:52,046 your service companion as he adapts to your personal needs. 384 00:14:52,114 --> 00:14:53,314 Let's put this on you. 385 00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:56,284 There you go. Thank you. 386 00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:58,286 No, it's not about me, 387 00:14:58,353 --> 00:15:01,289 or the $47.00 that I spent on the pouch and treats. 388 00:15:02,491 --> 00:15:03,857 This is about you. 389 00:15:03,909 --> 00:15:06,360 I'm smiling and pointing at you, Carl. 390 00:15:06,411 --> 00:15:07,495 Okay. 391 00:15:07,546 --> 00:15:08,663 It's a good thing. 392 00:15:08,714 --> 00:15:10,414 What the hell, Burt? He's gonna get killed 393 00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:12,800 being dragged around town by an untrained pig. 394 00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:15,703 Don't worry, I have a plan. 395 00:15:15,754 --> 00:15:18,872 ♪ 396 00:15:18,924 --> 00:15:20,708 JIMMY: Dad did have a plan. 397 00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:25,313 (grunting) 398 00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:29,049 But like most of his plans, it was crazy. 399 00:15:29,101 --> 00:15:32,186 Dad figured that we could keep Carl safe by being guide humans 400 00:15:32,237 --> 00:15:34,071 for the fake guide pig. 401 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,908 Good job, pig. 402 00:15:38,827 --> 00:15:42,363 ♪ Like I'm living again ♪ 403 00:15:42,414 --> 00:15:44,248 ♪ I'm so glad... ♪ 404 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:47,901 Hey, you smell that, pig? Someone must have passed by 405 00:15:47,953 --> 00:15:50,087 wearing cheap perfume and way too much of it. 406 00:15:52,174 --> 00:15:54,792 It's lingering. 407 00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:57,578 JIMMY: All we had to do was keep the most popular blind man 408 00:15:57,646 --> 00:15:59,347 in town alive long enough 409 00:15:59,414 --> 00:16:01,132 for Dad to win the Heaven's Helpers election. 410 00:16:01,216 --> 00:16:02,383 Good job, pig. 411 00:16:04,269 --> 00:16:06,804 ♪ 412 00:16:06,888 --> 00:16:08,122 Ah! 413 00:16:08,190 --> 00:16:10,441 (chuckling) 414 00:16:10,525 --> 00:16:11,559 (sneezes) 415 00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:13,194 Bless you, pig. 416 00:16:13,261 --> 00:16:15,196 JIMMY: And once Dad was in charge, 417 00:16:15,263 --> 00:16:17,365 he'd be able to figure out a more permanent solution. 418 00:16:17,432 --> 00:16:18,950 (car horn honking) 419 00:16:20,769 --> 00:16:21,986 Oh, good job, pig. 420 00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:23,120 (snorting) 421 00:16:27,275 --> 00:16:29,293 ♪ 422 00:16:29,378 --> 00:16:32,246 That was a close call, huh? 423 00:16:32,297 --> 00:16:33,297 (snorting) 424 00:16:33,382 --> 00:16:34,665 Yeah, it was. 425 00:16:34,750 --> 00:16:37,551 Boy, you saved my life, pig. 426 00:16:37,619 --> 00:16:39,136 JIMMY: It was gonna be tough, 427 00:16:39,221 --> 00:16:41,555 but luckily, our family is used to doing horrible jobs. 428 00:16:41,623 --> 00:16:42,723 Pig! Towel! 429 00:16:46,061 --> 00:16:48,729 ♪ You're the one who erased the pain ♪ 430 00:16:48,797 --> 00:16:52,600 ♪ My life will never be the same ♪ 431 00:16:52,651 --> 00:16:56,687 ♪ You're the very one, the only one that I've been waiting for ♪ 432 00:16:56,772 --> 00:16:58,305 Pig! Bag! 433 00:16:58,357 --> 00:17:00,441 ♪ I want to thank you... ♪ 434 00:17:00,492 --> 00:17:02,910 Good job, pig. 435 00:17:02,977 --> 00:17:04,495 (snorting) 436 00:17:07,532 --> 00:17:10,751 ♪ I just want to say thank you, baby ♪ 437 00:17:10,819 --> 00:17:13,454 ♪ For saving my life ♪ 438 00:17:13,505 --> 00:17:16,323 ♪ For picking me up ♪ 439 00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:19,343 ♪ Dusting me off ♪ 440 00:17:19,428 --> 00:17:21,643 ♪ Putting me all back together, together ♪ 441 00:17:21,644 --> 00:17:22,880 ♪ Together, together ♪ 442 00:17:22,964 --> 00:17:23,931 ♪ Together ♪ 443 00:17:23,998 --> 00:17:25,549 (snorting) 444 00:17:25,634 --> 00:17:27,718 ♪ I can live ♪ ♪ I can live ♪ 445 00:17:27,803 --> 00:17:30,521 ♪ Since I found you, baby... ♪ 446 00:17:30,605 --> 00:17:32,139 Thank you. 447 00:17:32,190 --> 00:17:36,727 What's... up, Natesville?! 448 00:17:36,812 --> 00:17:40,231 It's 58 degrees, 7:32 in the morning. 449 00:17:40,315 --> 00:17:41,866 Okay, pig, time to go. 450 00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:48,823 Hey, hey, we're running late, pig, come on. We gotta... 451 00:17:48,874 --> 00:17:51,909 ♪ For saving my life ♪ ♪ We played together ♪ 452 00:17:51,993 --> 00:17:54,578 ♪ For picking me up ♪ ♪ I can't live ♪ 453 00:17:54,663 --> 00:17:56,027 ♪ I can't live without you, baby ♪ 454 00:17:56,028 --> 00:17:57,030 ♪ For dusting me off ♪ 455 00:17:57,082 --> 00:17:58,799 ♪ Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you? ♪ 456 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,551 ♪ Thank you, baby ♪ 457 00:18:00,635 --> 00:18:03,003 ♪ For saving my life ♪ 458 00:18:03,055 --> 00:18:04,555 ♪ For picking me up... ♪ 459 00:18:04,639 --> 00:18:07,808 What are you doing, Virginia? 460 00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:09,143 Uh, just getting a closer look at this pig. 461 00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:12,730 Did you ever notice he has the exact same eyes as David Lee Roth? 462 00:18:12,814 --> 00:18:14,682 Oh, good evening, ladies. 463 00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:16,717 Am I on time for the meeting? 464 00:18:16,768 --> 00:18:18,352 Right on time. Come on in. 465 00:18:23,024 --> 00:18:24,692 Hello, everyone, and welcome to 466 00:18:24,743 --> 00:18:27,244 a very important meeting of Heaven's Helpers. 467 00:18:27,329 --> 00:18:29,196 Tonight we will be choosing a chairperson 468 00:18:29,247 --> 00:18:32,399 to lead our group for the next two years. 469 00:18:32,451 --> 00:18:33,667 Normally, the nominees 470 00:18:33,735 --> 00:18:36,170 would each give a short speech before the vote. 471 00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:39,173 Since Burt will show you that speeches are boring 472 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,877 and since actions speak louder than words, I want you to see 473 00:18:42,928 --> 00:18:44,795 with your own eyes how my work 474 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,464 did not just give this man a pig. 475 00:18:46,548 --> 00:18:48,415 It gave him his freedom. 476 00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,584 I'm going to give you a demonstration 477 00:18:50,635 --> 00:18:53,838 on the amazing things that this pig is trained to do. 478 00:18:53,905 --> 00:18:56,924 We are so busted. 479 00:18:56,975 --> 00:18:59,560 I'm starting to think our plan to impersonate a guide pig 480 00:18:59,611 --> 00:19:01,946 to fool a blind man and a church congregation 481 00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:03,781 was slightly flawed. 482 00:19:09,646 --> 00:19:12,265 Prepare to be amazed. 483 00:19:12,349 --> 00:19:14,900 This is going to be like the Easter fart times 20. 484 00:19:14,985 --> 00:19:16,352 This is going to be even worse than 485 00:19:16,403 --> 00:19:18,070 Jimmy's Christmas caroling boner. 486 00:19:18,155 --> 00:19:21,223 Now, Carl, I'm going to need you to turn around. 487 00:19:21,275 --> 00:19:22,266 Wait. This could be great. 488 00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:25,161 I mean, you guys aren't gonna get blamed when the pig can't do it; she is. 489 00:19:25,228 --> 00:19:27,563 She's the one trying to take all the credit. It's karma. 490 00:19:27,614 --> 00:19:30,249 Oh, yeah, like that show with the Mallrats guy 491 00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:31,534 you kept trying to make me like. 492 00:19:32,836 --> 00:19:34,587 Now, tell the pig to get your bag. 493 00:19:34,671 --> 00:19:35,838 Pig, bag. 494 00:19:39,376 --> 00:19:42,044 (pig squeals) 495 00:19:42,095 --> 00:19:43,579 Yes. 496 00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:47,767 I don't believe it. 497 00:19:47,851 --> 00:19:49,018 Lucky break. 498 00:19:49,085 --> 00:19:50,303 Pig, home. 499 00:19:53,590 --> 00:19:55,641 Yes, right this way. 500 00:19:55,726 --> 00:19:58,311 Good. Yes. 501 00:19:59,813 --> 00:20:00,646 (pig squeals) 502 00:20:10,705 --> 00:20:12,706 What the hell is going on here? 503 00:20:12,791 --> 00:20:14,592 I think we trained that pig. 504 00:20:14,659 --> 00:20:16,710 Oh, my God. We taught it how to be 505 00:20:16,795 --> 00:20:19,663 a guide pig by leading it around and showing it what to do. 506 00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:21,715 And giving it pig treats as positive reinforcement. 507 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,434 You gave the treats to the pig? 508 00:20:23,501 --> 00:20:25,169 Yeah. What'd you do with them? 509 00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:27,688 (chuckles) I gave them to the pig. 510 00:20:27,772 --> 00:20:29,390 (applause) 511 00:20:29,474 --> 00:20:31,358 VIRGINIA: I can't believe this. 512 00:20:31,443 --> 00:20:33,177 She's getting all the credit again. 513 00:20:33,228 --> 00:20:34,645 And we can't even tell anybody what we did, 514 00:20:34,696 --> 00:20:36,564 or they'll know that we ate Mr. Curly Tail. 515 00:20:36,648 --> 00:20:38,348 Now she's definitely gonna win. 516 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,701 I don't know about that, 'cause I wrote Burt a pretty great speech. 517 00:20:40,785 --> 00:20:42,369 It was basically the speech from Braveheart, 518 00:20:42,454 --> 00:20:46,023 except at the end, it was like "You can take our church bazaar, 519 00:20:46,074 --> 00:20:48,626 but you'll never take our rummage sale." 520 00:20:48,693 --> 00:20:50,194 But like subtle. 521 00:20:50,245 --> 00:20:50,961 Burt? 522 00:20:51,029 --> 00:20:53,697 Burt, Burt, come on. 523 00:20:53,748 --> 00:20:55,166 You gotta focus on your speech. 524 00:20:55,217 --> 00:20:57,501 Ah, I don't care. She can be in charge. 525 00:20:57,552 --> 00:20:59,753 What? But then you'll never get the credit. 526 00:20:59,838 --> 00:21:01,872 I don't need it. 527 00:21:01,923 --> 00:21:02,973 Look what we did. 528 00:21:03,041 --> 00:21:03,974 (bike bell rings) 529 00:21:06,311 --> 00:21:10,380 JIMMY: Dad realized he didn't need to be in charge to get some glory, 530 00:21:10,432 --> 00:21:12,233 because he didn't need glory at all. 531 00:21:12,317 --> 00:21:14,485 Happiness is making other people happy. 532 00:21:15,937 --> 00:21:18,072 And after that, Dad was happy to do 533 00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:20,024 his volunteer work around the church simply for the good 534 00:21:20,075 --> 00:21:21,859 feeling of knowing that he had helped make things better. 535 00:21:21,910 --> 00:21:23,861 Looking good, Carl. 536 00:21:23,912 --> 00:21:26,580 Thanks, Burt, 'cause you know I can't tell. 537 00:21:26,665 --> 00:21:29,116 (laughing) Great hearing and funny. 538 00:21:29,201 --> 00:21:31,335 You're almost the total package. 539 00:21:31,402 --> 00:21:32,903 Nice. 540 00:21:32,954 --> 00:21:37,954 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com