1 00:00:02,098 --> 00:00:03,966 (church organ playing) 2 00:00:12,166 --> 00:00:14,033 Give me that thing. 3 00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:15,809 You color like a mental patient. 4 00:00:15,810 --> 00:00:16,402 Maw Maw. 5 00:00:16,453 --> 00:00:17,837 If you continue to embarrass us, 6 00:00:17,904 --> 00:00:19,088 we're going to start dropping you off 7 00:00:19,173 --> 00:00:20,223 at the Korean church again. 8 00:00:20,290 --> 00:00:22,041 She's a terrible drawer. 9 00:00:22,092 --> 00:00:23,543 She made Joseph all blue. 10 00:00:23,594 --> 00:00:25,911 And Mary's got furry monkey arms. 11 00:00:25,963 --> 00:00:27,046 So what? 12 00:00:27,097 --> 00:00:28,631 Maybe she had hairy arms. 13 00:00:28,715 --> 00:00:30,550 It's probably why she stayed a virgin. 14 00:00:30,601 --> 00:00:32,135 WOMAN: Good morning. 15 00:00:32,219 --> 00:00:33,603 I'd like to mention 16 00:00:33,687 --> 00:00:36,022 that one of my Heaven's Helpers volunteers 17 00:00:36,090 --> 00:00:38,391 did a wonderful job on beautifying 18 00:00:38,459 --> 00:00:39,525 the church's landscaping. 19 00:00:39,593 --> 00:00:40,759 Here it comes. 20 00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:42,428 Does this face look humble? 21 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:44,697 It's all a part of the Spring into Spring campaign 22 00:00:44,764 --> 00:00:46,549 that I organized. 23 00:00:46,617 --> 00:00:48,734 I'd like to recognize the parishioner 24 00:00:48,786 --> 00:00:53,156 who donated his time and talent for this project. 25 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,107 But... 26 00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:57,276 he doesn't do it for the recognition. 27 00:00:57,327 --> 00:00:59,328 None of my volunteers here do. 28 00:00:59,413 --> 00:01:02,331 They follow the example that I set. 29 00:01:02,416 --> 00:01:04,584 I don't do it for the glory. 30 00:01:04,635 --> 00:01:06,785 I do it for the Lordy. 31 00:01:11,341 --> 00:01:12,975 No. It's not about me, 32 00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:14,327 but thank you. 33 00:01:14,394 --> 00:01:16,962 So you'll be happy to know 34 00:01:17,014 --> 00:01:19,148 that I will run for another term 35 00:01:19,233 --> 00:01:21,567 as chairperson of Heaven's Helpers. 36 00:01:21,635 --> 00:01:23,603 I'll formally accept my nomination 37 00:01:23,654 --> 00:01:26,856 next Tuesday, right after Bible hymn karaoke. 38 00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:28,241 ♪ ♪ 39 00:01:30,994 --> 00:01:33,329 Are those pesos? 40 00:01:33,413 --> 00:01:34,697 Yeah. 41 00:01:34,781 --> 00:01:38,117 I won a bet from a gal at work. It's all she had. 44 00:01:42,489 --> 00:01:44,173 (chuckles) 45 00:01:45,876 --> 00:01:47,710 VIRGINIA: All right, Jimmy, come on. 46 00:01:47,794 --> 00:01:49,212 It's time to put on your costume. 47 00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:50,496 Costume for what? 48 00:01:50,547 --> 00:01:51,964 You'll think it's weird, 49 00:01:52,015 --> 00:01:53,716 but ever since we stopped getting the Sunday paper, 50 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,668 we started making up and acting out our own funnies. 51 00:01:55,719 --> 00:01:57,470 (grunts) 52 00:01:57,521 --> 00:02:01,240 I don't really feel like doing the comics this morning. 53 00:02:01,308 --> 00:02:02,675 Oh, come on, Burt. 54 00:02:02,726 --> 00:02:04,193 You know I've been waiting all week for this. 55 00:02:04,278 --> 00:02:05,351 Yeah, I was waiting all week 56 00:02:05,352 --> 00:02:07,613 for a little acknowledgment for my church volunteer work. 57 00:02:07,681 --> 00:02:09,282 I was even practicing all this. 58 00:02:10,784 --> 00:02:12,068 Sarah Louise is running for reelection. 59 00:02:12,152 --> 00:02:13,402 You should run against her. 60 00:02:13,487 --> 00:02:14,603 Then, when you're in charge, 61 00:02:14,604 --> 00:02:16,956 you can make sure everybody gets the credit they deserve. 62 00:02:17,023 --> 00:02:19,091 No way. Do not cross Sarah Louise. 63 00:02:19,159 --> 00:02:20,960 You remember what happened when Ernie Sawyer 64 00:02:21,027 --> 00:02:23,045 ran against her, and then he fell off the wagon? 65 00:02:23,130 --> 00:02:24,330 She made him start drinking? 66 00:02:24,381 --> 00:02:25,665 No, she scared the horses, 67 00:02:25,716 --> 00:02:27,366 and he flew off the back of the hayride. 68 00:02:28,669 --> 00:02:29,719 He was drunk, though. 69 00:02:29,803 --> 00:02:31,036 But they say that's what saved him. 70 00:02:31,088 --> 00:02:33,005 Maybe I should run against her. 71 00:02:33,056 --> 00:02:35,040 It's time someone stood up to Sarah Louise. 72 00:02:35,092 --> 00:02:37,476 SABRINA: Hey. If you run against her, I'll be your campaign manager. 73 00:02:37,544 --> 00:02:38,622 But only if you let me go negative, 74 00:02:38,623 --> 00:02:40,563 'cause I just don't think we can win on your accomplishments. 75 00:02:40,647 --> 00:02:41,547 VIRGINIA: You know what? 76 00:02:41,598 --> 00:02:43,760 I was going to start with Beetle Bailey this week, 77 00:02:43,761 --> 00:02:45,884 but I think you need to learn a very important lesson 78 00:02:45,936 --> 00:02:47,403 from some of America's favorite kids. 79 00:02:47,487 --> 00:02:49,155 Just give me five minutes to rewrite this week's script. 80 00:02:50,357 --> 00:02:52,275 VIRGINIA: Okay. 81 00:02:54,228 --> 00:02:55,728 (Vince Guaraldi's "Linus and Lucy" plays) 82 00:02:55,779 --> 00:02:58,364 - VIRGINIA: Is everybody ready? - I really should be Marcie. 83 00:02:58,415 --> 00:03:01,167 I'm the only one with an actual lesbian experience. 84 00:03:01,234 --> 00:03:03,002 Maw Maw, I've told you before, watching Ellen 85 00:03:03,069 --> 00:03:05,755 isn't considered a lesbian experience, okay? 86 00:03:05,839 --> 00:03:06,756 Ready? Go. 87 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,040 Come on, Charlie Brown. 88 00:03:08,091 --> 00:03:10,259 Do it. You'd be everyone's hero. 89 00:03:10,344 --> 00:03:12,261 Yeah, trust me, Charlie Brown. 90 00:03:12,346 --> 00:03:13,596 You guys are right. 91 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,464 I think I can do it. 92 00:03:15,549 --> 00:03:17,300 What's the worst thing that can happen? 93 00:03:17,384 --> 00:03:18,801 (chuckling) 94 00:03:21,555 --> 00:03:23,439 BURT: Aah! 95 00:03:23,523 --> 00:03:25,308 (laughing) 96 00:03:25,392 --> 00:03:27,226 (groaning) 97 00:03:27,277 --> 00:03:28,778 VIRGINIA: This is exactly what will happen 98 00:03:28,862 --> 00:03:31,497 if you run against Sarah Louise. 99 00:03:31,565 --> 00:03:33,399 (groaning) 100 00:03:39,122 --> 00:03:40,823 Good grief. 101 00:03:42,342 --> 00:03:44,226 Whoo! 102 00:03:44,294 --> 00:03:45,695 ♪ Here we go ♪ 103 00:03:45,762 --> 00:03:48,664 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪ 104 00:03:48,749 --> 00:03:51,183 (electric organ playing) 105 00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:58,007 Well, I'd like to start the meeting, but, apparently, 106 00:03:58,091 --> 00:04:00,142 Carl's sister is running late to pick him up. 107 00:04:00,227 --> 00:04:01,143 Poor blind fellow. 108 00:04:01,228 --> 00:04:02,795 Music's all he's got. 109 00:04:02,846 --> 00:04:04,180 And he's not as good 110 00:04:04,264 --> 00:04:06,766 as most blind musicians I've seen on TV. 111 00:04:06,817 --> 00:04:08,634 Hey, my ears work, okay? 112 00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:11,136 As does my middle finger. 113 00:04:11,188 --> 00:04:13,489 Poor thing. 114 00:04:13,573 --> 00:04:16,025 He's flipping the bird to a poster of Bethlehem. 115 00:04:16,109 --> 00:04:18,828 Thanks, Virginia. 116 00:04:18,912 --> 00:04:20,546 Oh, she's in the crosshairs now. 117 00:04:20,614 --> 00:04:21,947 All right. 118 00:04:21,999 --> 00:04:23,499 Everybody saw it. 119 00:04:23,583 --> 00:04:24,867 You can put it down, Carl. 120 00:04:26,253 --> 00:04:27,953 Tonight's first order of business 121 00:04:28,005 --> 00:04:30,339 will be to formally nominate candidates 122 00:04:30,424 --> 00:04:32,925 for chairperson of Heaven's Helpers. 123 00:04:32,992 --> 00:04:34,960 Put it down, Carl. 124 00:04:37,047 --> 00:04:40,016 Do it. Nominate me. No. It's a suicide mission. 125 00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,435 Since I'm unopposed again... 126 00:04:42,502 --> 00:04:43,936 I nominate Burt Chance. 127 00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:45,021 (plays dramatic flourish) 128 00:04:46,339 --> 00:04:47,440 (whispering): Thank you, Carl. 129 00:04:47,507 --> 00:04:48,524 (laughing) 130 00:04:48,608 --> 00:04:50,676 Okay. (Burt chuckles) 131 00:04:50,727 --> 00:04:52,745 Good for you, Burt. 132 00:04:52,813 --> 00:04:54,680 In two weeks, at the next meeting, 133 00:04:54,731 --> 00:04:57,650 both of us will make brief speeches, 134 00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:59,785 and all members in attendance will vote. 135 00:04:59,853 --> 00:05:00,953 (sighs) Sorry I'm late. 136 00:05:01,020 --> 00:05:03,622 My mouthwash gave my Breathalyzer 137 00:05:03,690 --> 00:05:06,325 a false reading, so my car wouldn't start. 138 00:05:06,376 --> 00:05:07,192 (whispering): Bye, Carl. 139 00:05:08,712 --> 00:05:10,663 He's good. 140 00:05:10,714 --> 00:05:13,499 As some of you may have heard, 141 00:05:13,550 --> 00:05:15,367 Carl's sister Gwen's moving away. 142 00:05:15,419 --> 00:05:17,035 Rehab. 143 00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:19,422 Luckily for him, I stepped in. 144 00:05:19,506 --> 00:05:21,924 Next week, Heaven's Helpers will present Carl 145 00:05:22,008 --> 00:05:23,776 with his very own guide animal. 146 00:05:23,844 --> 00:05:24,727 Isn't that wonderful? 147 00:05:26,096 --> 00:05:28,264 We do, however, need someone 148 00:05:28,348 --> 00:05:30,483 to care for the animal until the presentation. 149 00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:31,901 No. 150 00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:34,386 I spend half the week vacuuming up Maw Maw's hair. 151 00:05:34,438 --> 00:05:35,771 I'm not adding an animal. 152 00:05:35,856 --> 00:05:38,357 I would do it myself, but... 153 00:05:38,408 --> 00:05:40,776 since I'm sure Burt would like to prove 154 00:05:40,861 --> 00:05:43,279 to everyone that he can be in charge... 155 00:05:43,363 --> 00:05:46,449 I would really love to help out here, 156 00:05:46,533 --> 00:05:49,752 but, uh, unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs. 157 00:05:49,836 --> 00:05:51,337 Well, praise the Lord. 158 00:05:51,404 --> 00:05:53,005 Carl is, too. 159 00:05:53,072 --> 00:05:54,239 (snorting) 160 00:05:54,291 --> 00:05:55,541 I hate that pig. 161 00:05:55,592 --> 00:05:56,959 Me, too. 162 00:05:57,043 --> 00:05:58,210 We're talking about Sarah Louise, right? 163 00:05:58,261 --> 00:05:59,762 'Cause this one seems pretty nice. 164 00:05:59,846 --> 00:06:00,913 (chuckling) 165 00:06:03,036 --> 00:06:05,156 I'm home! I think. 166 00:06:05,293 --> 00:06:07,244 Mom, you should've been on that walk. 167 00:06:07,295 --> 00:06:09,080 Hope loves having a pet. 168 00:06:09,131 --> 00:06:10,998 Maw Maw put her on Mr. Curly Tail's back, 169 00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:13,250 and it... it looked just like a little rodeo. 170 00:06:13,301 --> 00:06:14,502 I mean, you know, if cowboys 171 00:06:14,586 --> 00:06:16,303 in rodeos had giant old ladies 172 00:06:16,388 --> 00:06:17,505 behind them holding them on. 173 00:06:18,874 --> 00:06:20,458 You had to be there. 174 00:06:20,525 --> 00:06:23,360 Burt, this isn't going to be as easy as you think. 175 00:06:23,412 --> 00:06:25,162 This thing is full 176 00:06:25,213 --> 00:06:27,081 of special care instructions. 177 00:06:27,165 --> 00:06:29,550 Purified water? 178 00:06:29,634 --> 00:06:32,503 Pesticide-free fruits and vegetables? 179 00:06:32,554 --> 00:06:35,372 You think you're better than us, don't you? 180 00:06:35,424 --> 00:06:36,807 (laughs) Hey, guys. 181 00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:38,843 I just heard that one of your neighbors got a pig. 182 00:06:38,894 --> 00:06:40,644 And now you're not the trashiest people on the... 183 00:06:43,715 --> 00:06:44,882 Sorry. 184 00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:47,768 BURT: In just five days, they're going to present that to Carl. 185 00:06:47,853 --> 00:06:49,070 We spent longer than that 186 00:06:49,154 --> 00:06:50,905 trying to win a "hands on a Jet Ski" contest. 187 00:06:50,989 --> 00:06:53,056 And we would have won, too, if they hadn't have let 188 00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,408 that jerk with the colostomy bag enter. 189 00:06:54,493 --> 00:06:56,026 Plus, it'll give me great stuff to brag about 190 00:06:56,078 --> 00:06:57,578 in two weeks when I make my big speech. 191 00:06:57,662 --> 00:07:01,749 Burt, you know how ruthless Sarah Louise is. 192 00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:05,252 And you're not the best public speaker. 193 00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,872 I just don't want to see you get hurt. 194 00:07:07,923 --> 00:07:10,073 Hey, I could... I could help you with your speech if you want. 195 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,709 I-I learned a trick in my public speaking course. 196 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,344 If it's the old classic "picture everybody naked," 197 00:07:13,411 --> 00:07:14,795 you can forget about it. 198 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:15,963 Burt always pictures everybody naked. 199 00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:17,298 We both do. 200 00:07:17,382 --> 00:07:19,133 Some people have Cinemax. 201 00:07:19,217 --> 00:07:21,352 We have our imagination. 202 00:07:21,419 --> 00:07:24,087 JIMMY: Living with a pig in your house might sound crazy, 203 00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:26,857 but we all fell in love with Mr. Curly Tail. 204 00:07:26,925 --> 00:07:28,526 Except Mom. 205 00:07:30,631 --> 00:07:32,851 ♪ 206 00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:35,198 (groans) 207 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:40,371 Hey. Twins. 208 00:07:40,438 --> 00:07:41,705 (groans) 209 00:07:44,876 --> 00:07:46,827 (screams) 210 00:07:46,912 --> 00:07:48,329 He was cold. 211 00:07:48,413 --> 00:07:50,164 I was afraid he'd get the swine flu. 212 00:07:50,248 --> 00:07:51,632 What...? 213 00:07:51,716 --> 00:07:54,084 Shh. 214 00:08:00,642 --> 00:08:02,510 He never saw Babe. 215 00:08:05,847 --> 00:08:07,631 Two out of three, Mr. Curly Tail. 216 00:08:07,682 --> 00:08:09,066 (Maw Maw laughs, Virginia whimpers) 217 00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:13,821 MAW MAW: No...! (Virginia gasps) 218 00:08:16,808 --> 00:08:18,275 Hey, Virginia. 219 00:08:18,326 --> 00:08:20,143 Check this out. 220 00:08:22,313 --> 00:08:24,481 Curly, newspaper. 221 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,567 Burt, we don't get the newspaper. 222 00:08:26,635 --> 00:08:28,619 Oh, I know. He steals it from the neighbors. 223 00:08:28,670 --> 00:08:29,954 Listen, I'm going down to the grocery store. 224 00:08:30,005 --> 00:08:32,873 Sabrina's going to help me with my very funny speech. 225 00:08:32,958 --> 00:08:34,875 There's no Polish people in our church, right? 226 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,177 You better be taking that pig with you. 227 00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:37,428 I don't want to be alone with him. 228 00:08:37,495 --> 00:08:38,929 You're not alone. Maw Maw's right here. 229 00:08:38,997 --> 00:08:40,831 Unless she's dead. 230 00:08:40,882 --> 00:08:42,049 Nah. Alive. 231 00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:43,100 Leave him if you want. 232 00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:44,468 That stupid pig is on his own. 233 00:08:44,519 --> 00:08:45,769 I'm watching this TV show 234 00:08:45,837 --> 00:08:47,221 where they find wedding dresses 235 00:08:47,305 --> 00:08:49,506 that look good on oddly-shaped women. 236 00:08:49,558 --> 00:08:51,442 I think today's got conjoined twins. 237 00:08:51,509 --> 00:08:53,444 Oh, that is a lucky groom. 238 00:08:53,511 --> 00:08:55,479 (snorting) 239 00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:56,947 (laughing) 240 00:08:57,015 --> 00:08:58,722 Come on, you got to love this guy. 241 00:08:58,723 --> 00:08:59,149 Ugh. 242 00:09:01,352 --> 00:09:04,121 ANNOUNCER (on TV): Today, Beth tries on gown number seven 243 00:09:04,188 --> 00:09:06,657 while her sister Tanya still can't find a bridesmaid's dress 244 00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:08,191 that doesn't make her hip look big. 245 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:09,994 You hang in there, Tanya. 246 00:09:10,045 --> 00:09:11,495 Beth found her Mr. Right. 247 00:09:11,546 --> 00:09:13,530 You'll find your Mr. Left. 248 00:09:16,001 --> 00:09:19,503 (choking) 249 00:09:27,178 --> 00:09:30,180 (gasping) 250 00:09:31,316 --> 00:09:33,183 Holy crap, pig. 251 00:09:33,235 --> 00:09:35,019 You saved my life. 252 00:09:36,521 --> 00:09:38,739 You saved my life, pig. 253 00:09:38,823 --> 00:09:40,608 Oh, my God. 254 00:09:40,692 --> 00:09:44,394 You're like Lassie without all the attitude. 255 00:09:44,446 --> 00:09:47,865 Not even my own grandmother would wake up to save me. 256 00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:49,049 I was awake. 257 00:09:49,117 --> 00:09:52,369 Thought you were trying to trick me into giving up the good chair. 258 00:09:52,420 --> 00:09:54,404 This couch is way more comfortable than that chair. 259 00:09:54,456 --> 00:09:56,173 Oh. 260 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,075 (choking) 261 00:10:01,913 --> 00:10:04,882 In conclusion, fellow parishioners, 262 00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:08,769 I would like to be chairperson of Heaven's Helpers 263 00:10:08,853 --> 00:10:10,354 so that you can get 264 00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:12,690 the credit that you deserve 265 00:10:12,757 --> 00:10:15,276 without making everything about me. 266 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,194 You're still kind of doing this thing with your hands. 267 00:10:17,261 --> 00:10:18,479 - Aah! Still? - VIRGINIA: Burt! 268 00:10:18,563 --> 00:10:20,814 Burt, you were right about Mr. Curly Tail. 269 00:10:20,899 --> 00:10:22,650 He is a genius. 270 00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:25,619 I was choking, and he saved my life. 271 00:10:25,704 --> 00:10:27,104 I told you, he's a genius. 272 00:10:27,155 --> 00:10:28,572 I decided to come and get Mr. Curly Tail 273 00:10:28,623 --> 00:10:29,940 some of those organic apples you guys sell. 274 00:10:29,991 --> 00:10:31,325 We stopped selling organic stuff. 275 00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,544 See, the produce is really close to the restroom, 276 00:10:33,611 --> 00:10:34,878 and without pesticides, 277 00:10:34,946 --> 00:10:36,413 they just can't handle the air fresheners. 278 00:10:36,464 --> 00:10:37,831 However, our public restrooms 279 00:10:37,916 --> 00:10:39,616 were voted the best-smelling in Natesville. 280 00:10:39,668 --> 00:10:41,835 Fine. Then I guess I'll go out to that hippie farm 281 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:42,970 and get some real organic apples. 282 00:10:43,054 --> 00:10:44,421 Hey. How'd that, uh, 283 00:10:44,472 --> 00:10:45,639 conjoined twin's wedding work out? 284 00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:47,308 Wild. At that part in the wedding 285 00:10:47,392 --> 00:10:49,310 when they ask if anyone has any objections, 286 00:10:49,394 --> 00:10:51,178 the bride's conjoined twin admitted 287 00:10:51,262 --> 00:10:53,230 that she had slept with the groom. 288 00:10:53,297 --> 00:10:55,232 (disappointed groan) 289 00:10:55,299 --> 00:10:58,769 I admit it, you were right, and I was wrong. 290 00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:00,821 That really is one magnificent pig. 291 00:11:00,905 --> 00:11:02,472 And you know what? 292 00:11:02,524 --> 00:11:04,491 I'm gonna let him sleep in the bed tonight. 293 00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,977 Something smells good. 294 00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:10,831 Whoa. 295 00:11:18,823 --> 00:11:20,791 Maw Maw. 296 00:11:20,842 --> 00:11:23,394 Please tell us you didn't butcher Mr. Curly Tail. 297 00:11:23,461 --> 00:11:24,845 Of course, I did. 298 00:11:24,929 --> 00:11:27,381 And if this is going to become a regular thing, 299 00:11:27,465 --> 00:11:29,867 we're gonna need a bigger freezer, sharper knives, 300 00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:31,769 and a much better mop. 301 00:11:38,768 --> 00:11:40,319 I can't eat him. 302 00:11:40,386 --> 00:11:41,553 He was a friend. 303 00:11:41,621 --> 00:11:42,938 Oh, get off it. 304 00:11:43,022 --> 00:11:44,907 I should've just told you it ran away, 305 00:11:44,991 --> 00:11:46,909 and I bought this at a store. 306 00:11:46,993 --> 00:11:49,111 It worked for Jimmy's pet rabbits. 307 00:11:49,195 --> 00:11:51,563 You killed Floppy and Pom-Pom? 308 00:11:51,631 --> 00:11:52,865 And you ate 'em. 309 00:11:52,916 --> 00:11:54,366 Those rabbits were stupid and worthless. 310 00:11:54,417 --> 00:11:56,401 This pig we're eating was a hero. 311 00:11:56,453 --> 00:12:01,039 He saved my life, and I couldn't save his. 312 00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:03,509 He was a damn good pig. He makes a damn good chop. 313 00:12:03,576 --> 00:12:04,080 Burt! 314 00:12:04,081 --> 00:12:06,095 Virginia, eat him or he would've died in vain. 315 00:12:06,179 --> 00:12:07,763 He would've wanted it this way. 316 00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:09,364 I'm sure Maw Maw made it quick and painless. 317 00:12:09,432 --> 00:12:12,434 No, it was a hell of a struggle. 318 00:12:12,519 --> 00:12:16,922 It isn't easy trying to cut up a pig with a pizza cutter. 319 00:12:16,973 --> 00:12:18,807 Oh, God. Okay. 320 00:12:18,892 --> 00:12:20,275 That did it for me. 321 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,529 Who are you, and why are you always in our house? 322 00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:26,115 I guess we should save some for Carl so he gets something out of this. 323 00:12:26,199 --> 00:12:28,033 We're gonna have to change that speech we worked on. 324 00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,451 That's a pretty significant rewrite. 325 00:12:29,536 --> 00:12:30,786 A lot of our best points 326 00:12:30,870 --> 00:12:32,771 were about how you kept that pig alive for five days. 327 00:12:32,822 --> 00:12:34,239 Maybe you can just change it to "four days." 328 00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:35,707 Are you insane? 329 00:12:35,775 --> 00:12:37,793 There is no speech, there is no election. 330 00:12:37,877 --> 00:12:39,745 You are going in there tomorrow 331 00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:41,630 saying you killed a blind man's pig. 332 00:12:41,714 --> 00:12:43,465 Well, the election's not for a week. 333 00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:44,983 Maybe they'll just forget. 334 00:12:45,051 --> 00:12:47,503 Seriously, who are you? 335 00:12:47,587 --> 00:12:50,622 Burt, look, we screwed up. 336 00:12:50,673 --> 00:12:52,524 Okay? Forget the election. 337 00:12:52,592 --> 00:12:53,792 This is what's gonna happen: 338 00:12:53,843 --> 00:12:55,427 We're gonna go in there tomorrow, 339 00:12:55,478 --> 00:12:58,263 say what we did, and we're gonna suffer the scorn, 340 00:12:58,314 --> 00:12:59,932 and we're gonna do it as a family. 341 00:12:59,983 --> 00:13:02,601 I mean, we got through the Easter fart. 342 00:13:02,652 --> 00:13:05,237 We got through Maw Maw dry- humping the St. Francis statue. 343 00:13:05,304 --> 00:13:06,455 He was no saint. 344 00:13:06,523 --> 00:13:08,807 Should've seen the way he was looking at me. 345 00:13:08,858 --> 00:13:13,078 Well, if tomorrow's our judgment day, might as well enjoy now. 346 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,084 (sighs) 347 00:13:19,151 --> 00:13:22,621 I'm only doing this so you'll always be a part of me, okay? 348 00:13:27,927 --> 00:13:29,628 God, that is delicious. 349 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:30,812 Mmm. 350 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,348 (beeping) 351 00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:35,300 Hey. Sorry I'm late. 352 00:13:35,351 --> 00:13:37,269 Where's Burt? I wish I knew. 353 00:13:37,336 --> 00:13:38,937 He left before we woke up this morning. 354 00:13:39,005 --> 00:13:40,839 He missed a really good breakfast. 355 00:13:40,890 --> 00:13:43,675 We had ham and eggs, bacon, pigs in a blanket, 356 00:13:43,726 --> 00:13:45,444 and the blanket was ham. 357 00:13:45,511 --> 00:13:47,362 Burt, I don't know where the heck you went this morning, 358 00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:49,114 but we said we were gonna do this as a family, 359 00:13:49,181 --> 00:13:50,566 and I expect you to be here. 360 00:13:50,650 --> 00:13:51,984 Oh, hey, pig-ahoy. 361 00:13:54,654 --> 00:13:57,239 Burt, you found another Mr. Curly Tail? 362 00:13:57,323 --> 00:13:58,991 Like the Good Book probably says, 363 00:13:59,042 --> 00:14:00,826 "Have a little faith, then ye shall find-eth." 364 00:14:00,877 --> 00:14:03,378 There you are. 365 00:14:03,463 --> 00:14:05,380 We're just about to make the presentation. 366 00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:07,249 Give me that pig. 367 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,001 Come on, let's go. Let's... going to work. 368 00:14:09,052 --> 00:14:11,136 Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 369 00:14:12,589 --> 00:14:14,172 This is amazing. 370 00:14:14,224 --> 00:14:16,374 I would've thought there's a waiting list for a service pig. 371 00:14:16,426 --> 00:14:17,559 I'm sure there is. 372 00:14:17,644 --> 00:14:19,044 But you can get a regular pig like that. 373 00:14:19,095 --> 00:14:23,015 So you just got some random animal off a farm? 374 00:14:23,066 --> 00:14:25,550 Petting zoo. For $100, the guy said I could have 375 00:14:25,602 --> 00:14:28,103 any animal I wanted, and I could do whatever I wanted with it. 376 00:14:28,187 --> 00:14:29,871 Then he winked at me. 377 00:14:29,939 --> 00:14:33,275 We are never taking Hope to that petting zoo. 378 00:14:35,328 --> 00:14:36,445 SARAH LOUISE: Just sweet, right? (applause) 379 00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:38,396 Just sweet, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. 380 00:14:38,448 --> 00:14:39,514 I'm not done. 381 00:14:39,582 --> 00:14:40,782 I've also thought to provide 382 00:14:40,867 --> 00:14:43,118 this pouch of treats that you can use to reward 383 00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:46,438 your service companion as he adapts to your personal needs. 384 00:14:46,506 --> 00:14:47,706 Let's put this on you. 385 00:14:49,259 --> 00:14:50,676 There you go. Thank you. 386 00:14:50,743 --> 00:14:52,678 No, it's not about me, 387 00:14:52,745 --> 00:14:55,681 or the $47.00 that I spent on the pouch and treats. 388 00:14:56,883 --> 00:14:58,249 This is about you. 389 00:14:58,301 --> 00:15:00,752 I'm smiling and pointing at you, Carl. 390 00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:01,887 Okay. 391 00:15:01,938 --> 00:15:03,055 It's a good thing. 392 00:15:03,106 --> 00:15:04,806 What the hell, Burt? He's gonna get killed 393 00:15:04,891 --> 00:15:07,192 being dragged around town by an untrained pig. 394 00:15:07,259 --> 00:15:10,095 Don't worry, I have a plan. 395 00:15:10,146 --> 00:15:13,264 ♪ 396 00:15:13,316 --> 00:15:15,100 JIMMY: Dad did have a plan. 397 00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:19,705 (grunting) 398 00:15:19,772 --> 00:15:23,441 But like most of his plans, it was crazy. 399 00:15:23,493 --> 00:15:26,578 Dad figured that we could keep Carl safe by being guide humans 400 00:15:26,629 --> 00:15:28,463 for the fake guide pig. 401 00:15:29,632 --> 00:15:31,300 Good job, pig. 402 00:15:33,219 --> 00:15:36,755 ♪ Like I'm living again ♪ 403 00:15:36,806 --> 00:15:38,640 ♪ I'm so glad... ♪ 404 00:15:38,725 --> 00:15:42,293 Hey, you smell that, pig? Someone must have passed by 405 00:15:42,345 --> 00:15:44,479 wearing cheap perfume and way too much of it. 406 00:15:46,566 --> 00:15:49,184 It's lingering. 407 00:15:49,268 --> 00:15:51,970 JIMMY: All we had to do was keep the most popular blind man 408 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,739 in town alive long enough 409 00:15:53,806 --> 00:15:55,524 for Dad to win the Heaven's Helpers election. 410 00:15:55,608 --> 00:15:56,775 Good job, pig. 411 00:15:58,661 --> 00:16:01,196 ♪ 412 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,514 Ah! 413 00:16:02,582 --> 00:16:04,833 (chuckling) 414 00:16:04,917 --> 00:16:05,951 (sneezes) 415 00:16:06,002 --> 00:16:07,586 Bless you, pig. 416 00:16:07,653 --> 00:16:09,588 JIMMY: And once Dad was in charge, 417 00:16:09,655 --> 00:16:11,757 he'd be able to figure out a more permanent solution. 418 00:16:11,824 --> 00:16:13,342 (car horn honking) 419 00:16:15,161 --> 00:16:16,378 Oh, good job, pig. 420 00:16:16,462 --> 00:16:17,512 (snorting) 421 00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,685 ♪ 422 00:16:23,770 --> 00:16:26,638 That was a close call, huh? 423 00:16:26,689 --> 00:16:27,689 (snorting) 424 00:16:27,774 --> 00:16:29,057 Yeah, it was. 425 00:16:29,142 --> 00:16:31,943 Boy, you saved my life, pig. 426 00:16:32,011 --> 00:16:33,528 JIMMY: It was gonna be tough, 427 00:16:33,613 --> 00:16:35,947 but luckily, our family is used to doing horrible jobs. 428 00:16:36,015 --> 00:16:37,115 Pig! Towel! 429 00:16:40,453 --> 00:16:43,121 ♪ You're the one who erased the pain ♪ 430 00:16:43,189 --> 00:16:46,992 ♪ My life will never be the same ♪ 431 00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:51,079 ♪ You're the very one, the only one that I've been waiting for ♪ 432 00:16:51,164 --> 00:16:52,697 Pig! Bag! 433 00:16:52,749 --> 00:16:54,833 ♪ I want to thank you... ♪ 434 00:16:54,884 --> 00:16:57,302 Good job, pig. 435 00:16:57,369 --> 00:16:58,887 (snorting) 436 00:17:01,924 --> 00:17:05,143 ♪ I just want to say thank you, baby ♪ 437 00:17:05,211 --> 00:17:07,846 ♪ For saving my life ♪ 438 00:17:07,897 --> 00:17:10,715 ♪ For picking me up ♪ 439 00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:13,735 ♪ Dusting me off ♪ 440 00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:16,035 ♪ Putting me all back together, together ♪ 441 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,272 ♪ Together, together ♪ 442 00:17:17,356 --> 00:17:18,323 ♪ Together ♪ 443 00:17:18,390 --> 00:17:19,941 (snorting) 444 00:17:20,026 --> 00:17:22,110 ♪ I can live ♪ ♪ I can live ♪ 445 00:17:22,195 --> 00:17:24,913 ♪ Since I found you, baby... ♪ 446 00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:26,531 Thank you. 447 00:17:26,582 --> 00:17:31,119 What's... up, Natesville?! 448 00:17:31,204 --> 00:17:34,623 It's 58 degrees, 7:32 in the morning. 449 00:17:34,707 --> 00:17:36,258 Okay, pig, time to go. 450 00:17:39,262 --> 00:17:43,215 Hey, hey, we're running late, pig, come on. We gotta... 451 00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:46,301 ♪ For saving my life ♪ ♪ We played together ♪ 452 00:17:46,385 --> 00:17:48,970 ♪ For picking me up ♪ ♪ I can't live ♪ 453 00:17:49,055 --> 00:17:50,419 ♪ I can't live without you, baby ♪ 454 00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:51,422 ♪ For dusting me off ♪ 455 00:17:51,474 --> 00:17:53,191 ♪ Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you? ♪ 456 00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:54,943 ♪ Thank you, baby ♪ 457 00:17:55,027 --> 00:17:57,395 ♪ For saving my life ♪ 458 00:17:57,447 --> 00:17:58,947 ♪ For picking me up... ♪ 459 00:17:59,031 --> 00:18:02,200 What are you doing, Virginia? 460 00:18:02,268 --> 00:18:03,535 Uh, just getting a closer look at this pig. 461 00:18:03,602 --> 00:18:07,122 Did you ever notice he has the exact same eyes as David Lee Roth? 462 00:18:07,206 --> 00:18:09,074 Oh, good evening, ladies. 463 00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:11,109 Am I on time for the meeting? 464 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,744 Right on time. Come on in. 465 00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:19,084 Hello, everyone, and welcome to 466 00:18:19,135 --> 00:18:21,636 a very important meeting of Heaven's Helpers. 467 00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:23,588 Tonight we will be choosing a chairperson 468 00:18:23,639 --> 00:18:26,791 to lead our group for the next two years. 469 00:18:26,843 --> 00:18:28,059 Normally, the nominees 470 00:18:28,127 --> 00:18:30,562 would each give a short speech before the vote. 471 00:18:30,629 --> 00:18:33,565 Since Burt will show you that speeches are boring 472 00:18:33,632 --> 00:18:37,269 and since actions speak louder than words, I want you to see 473 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,187 with your own eyes how my work 474 00:18:39,272 --> 00:18:40,856 did not just give this man a pig. 475 00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:42,807 It gave him his freedom. 476 00:18:42,859 --> 00:18:44,976 I'm going to give you a demonstration 477 00:18:45,027 --> 00:18:48,230 on the amazing things that this pig is trained to do. 478 00:18:48,297 --> 00:18:51,316 We are so busted. 479 00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:53,952 I'm starting to think our plan to impersonate a guide pig 480 00:18:54,003 --> 00:18:56,338 to fool a blind man and a church congregation 481 00:18:56,422 --> 00:18:58,173 was slightly flawed. 482 00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:04,043 Prepare to be amazed. 483 00:19:04,127 --> 00:19:06,678 This is going to be like the Easter fart times 20. 484 00:19:06,763 --> 00:19:08,130 This is going to be even worse than 485 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,848 Jimmy's Christmas caroling boner. 486 00:19:09,933 --> 00:19:13,001 Now, Carl, I'm going to need you to turn around. 487 00:19:13,053 --> 00:19:14,044 Wait. This could be great. 488 00:19:14,045 --> 00:19:16,939 I mean, you guys aren't gonna get blamed when the pig can't do it; she is. 489 00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:19,341 She's the one trying to take all the credit. It's karma. 490 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:22,027 Oh, yeah, like that show with the Mallrats guy 491 00:19:22,112 --> 00:19:23,312 you kept trying to make me like. 492 00:19:24,614 --> 00:19:26,365 Now, tell the pig to get your bag. 493 00:19:26,449 --> 00:19:27,616 Pig, bag. 494 00:19:31,154 --> 00:19:33,822 (pig squeals) 495 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,357 Yes. 496 00:19:38,128 --> 00:19:39,545 I don't believe it. 497 00:19:39,629 --> 00:19:40,796 Lucky break. 498 00:19:40,863 --> 00:19:42,081 Pig, home. 499 00:19:45,368 --> 00:19:47,419 Yes, right this way. 500 00:19:47,504 --> 00:19:50,089 Good. Yes. 501 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,424 (pig squeals) 502 00:20:02,483 --> 00:20:04,484 What the hell is going on here? 503 00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:06,370 I think we trained that pig. 504 00:20:06,437 --> 00:20:08,488 Oh, my God. We taught it how to be 505 00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:11,441 a guide pig by leading it around and showing it what to do. 506 00:20:11,492 --> 00:20:13,493 And giving it pig treats as positive reinforcement. 507 00:20:13,578 --> 00:20:15,212 You gave the treats to the pig? 508 00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:16,947 Yeah. What'd you do with them? 509 00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:19,466 (chuckles) I gave them to the pig. 510 00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:21,168 (applause) 511 00:20:21,252 --> 00:20:23,136 VIRGINIA: I can't believe this. 512 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:24,955 She's getting all the credit again. 513 00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,423 And we can't even tell anybody what we did, 514 00:20:26,474 --> 00:20:28,342 or they'll know that we ate Mr. Curly Tail. 515 00:20:28,426 --> 00:20:30,126 Now she's definitely gonna win. 516 00:20:30,178 --> 00:20:32,479 I don't know about that, 'cause I wrote Burt a pretty great speech. 517 00:20:32,563 --> 00:20:34,147 It was basically the speech from Braveheart, 518 00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:37,801 except at the end, it was like "You can take our church bazaar, 519 00:20:37,852 --> 00:20:40,404 but you'll never take our rummage sale." 520 00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:41,972 But like subtle. 521 00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:42,739 Burt? 522 00:20:42,807 --> 00:20:45,475 Burt, Burt, come on. 523 00:20:45,526 --> 00:20:46,944 You gotta focus on your speech. 524 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:49,279 Ah, I don't care. She can be in charge. 525 00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,531 What? But then you'll never get the credit. 526 00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:53,650 I don't need it. 527 00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:54,751 Look what we did. 528 00:20:54,819 --> 00:20:55,752 (bike bell rings) 529 00:20:58,089 --> 00:21:02,158 JIMMY: Dad realized he didn't need to be in charge to get some glory, 530 00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:04,011 because he didn't need glory at all. 531 00:21:04,095 --> 00:21:06,263 Happiness is making other people happy. 532 00:21:07,715 --> 00:21:09,850 And after that, Dad was happy to do 533 00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:11,802 his volunteer work around the church simply for the good 534 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,637 feeling of knowing that he had helped make things better. 535 00:21:13,688 --> 00:21:15,639 Looking good, Carl. 536 00:21:15,690 --> 00:21:18,358 Thanks, Burt, 'cause you know I can't tell. 537 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,894 (laughing) Great hearing and funny. 538 00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:23,113 You're almost the total package. 539 00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:24,681 Nice. 540 00:21:24,732 --> 00:21:29,732 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com