1 00:00:03,382 --> 00:00:05,601 Oh, my God. I love this chicken. 2 00:00:05,603 --> 00:00:07,186 Oh, you know what they say, 3 00:00:07,188 --> 00:00:10,689 best things in life are free. 4 00:00:10,691 --> 00:00:12,658 Okay, you're right. I eat your food a lot. 5 00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:13,609 Now, how about this? 6 00:00:13,611 --> 00:00:15,410 You can raid my fridge anytime you want. 7 00:00:15,412 --> 00:00:17,196 Oh, that's very kind of you. 8 00:00:17,198 --> 00:00:20,365 Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery 9 00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:22,034 with a jar of old pickle juice, 10 00:00:22,036 --> 00:00:24,453 I'll come a-knockin'. 11 00:00:24,455 --> 00:00:26,622 Hey, Raj, you didn't send your RSVP in. 12 00:00:26,624 --> 00:00:29,541 I'm suppose to ask you if you're bringing someone to the wedding. 13 00:00:29,543 --> 00:00:31,343 I'll let you know. 14 00:00:31,345 --> 00:00:32,678 Well, can you make it soon? 15 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:34,713 There's a battle royale going on over the seating charts. 16 00:00:34,715 --> 00:00:38,416 In one corner, Bernadette's mom, in the other three, mine. 17 00:00:38,418 --> 00:00:41,270 Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. 18 00:00:41,272 --> 00:00:42,688 Yeah, I wish the bride and groom 19 00:00:42,690 --> 00:00:44,106 would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins. 20 00:00:44,108 --> 00:00:47,276 Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home. 21 00:00:47,278 --> 00:00:50,112 Mm, you liked Professor Geyser's wedding. 22 00:00:50,114 --> 00:00:52,681 They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. 23 00:00:52,683 --> 00:00:55,067 Oh, that was a night to remember. 24 00:00:55,069 --> 00:00:59,571 Do you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts. 25 00:00:59,573 --> 00:01:02,324 Anyway, you got to let me know if you have a plus one. 26 00:01:02,326 --> 00:01:04,626 Because if not, my mom's trying to sneak in the doctor 27 00:01:04,628 --> 00:01:07,079 who sucked the fat out of her neck. 28 00:01:10,633 --> 00:01:12,134 All right, uh, fine. 29 00:01:12,136 --> 00:01:14,136 I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. 30 00:01:14,138 --> 00:01:15,587 Uh, Koothrappali plus one. 31 00:01:15,589 --> 00:01:16,454 Who you bringing? 32 00:01:16,456 --> 00:01:17,556 Who are you bringing?! 33 00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:20,843 He's bringing me; who are you bringing? 34 00:01:20,845 --> 00:01:24,629 Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O'Donnells. 35 00:01:24,631 --> 00:01:26,164 Come on, who is it? 36 00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,016 I'm not telling. 37 00:01:28,018 --> 00:01:31,069 I'm from Asia, I'm mysterious, deal with it. 38 00:01:32,138 --> 00:01:34,823 Howard aren't having a make-your-own-sundae bar? 39 00:01:34,825 --> 00:01:36,658 I don't think so. 40 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:37,693 Well, you should. 41 00:01:37,695 --> 00:01:39,745 50% of marriages end in divorce, 44 00:01:48,088 --> 00:01:51,707 ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ 45 00:01:51,709 --> 00:01:53,258 ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ 46 00:01:53,260 --> 00:01:55,577 ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ 47 00:01:55,579 --> 00:01:58,213 ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ 48 00:01:58,215 --> 00:02:00,949 ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ 49 00:02:00,951 --> 00:02:02,834 ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ 50 00:02:02,836 --> 00:02:05,103 ♪ Bang! ♪ 51 00:02:05,128 --> 00:02:09,128 The Big Bang Theory 5x20 The Transporter Malfunction Original Air Date on March 29, 2012 52 00:02:09,153 --> 00:02:13,153 == sync, corrected by elderman == 53 00:02:14,776 --> 00:02:16,910 Hello, Mummy, Daddy. How are you? 54 00:02:16,912 --> 00:02:18,995 Pretty good. Can't complain. 55 00:02:18,997 --> 00:02:20,564 Oh, I'm sure you can. 56 00:02:20,566 --> 00:02:23,233 Just give it a minute. 57 00:02:23,235 --> 00:02:24,651 Listen, uh, 58 00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:26,870 there's something I want to talk to you about. 59 00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:29,423 I wasn't ready until now, but... 60 00:02:29,425 --> 00:02:30,990 I think it's time. 61 00:02:30,992 --> 00:02:32,542 It's finally happening. 62 00:02:32,544 --> 00:02:35,145 You're coming out of the closet, aren't you? 63 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:39,049 We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle. 64 00:02:39,051 --> 00:02:42,369 Just... keep it to yourself. 65 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:45,088 No, I'm not gay. 66 00:02:45,807 --> 00:02:48,191 If anything, I'm metrosexual. 67 00:02:48,193 --> 00:02:49,326 What's that? 68 00:02:49,328 --> 00:02:51,027 It means I like women 69 00:02:51,029 --> 00:02:53,280 as well as their skin-care products. 70 00:02:53,282 --> 00:02:54,998 Well, if you're not coming out, 71 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,934 why did you call us during the cricket semifinals? 72 00:02:57,936 --> 00:03:01,071 I'm tired of trying to meet someone, 73 00:03:01,073 --> 00:03:04,791 and I think I'd like you to help me find a... 74 00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,660 a wife. 75 00:03:06,662 --> 00:03:08,678 And just to clarify... 76 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,447 a female wife? 77 00:03:10,449 --> 00:03:12,799 Yes! 78 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:15,802 Matchmaking-- very smart move, son. 79 00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,954 Much better than marrying for love. 80 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,362 We married for love. 81 00:03:25,364 --> 00:03:29,032 And it's been wonderful! 82 00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:35,555 Quantum physics makes me so happy. 83 00:03:35,557 --> 00:03:36,907 Yeah, I'm glad. 84 00:03:36,909 --> 00:03:39,593 It's like looking at the universe naked. 85 00:03:47,369 --> 00:03:49,252 Hi. Guys got a minute? 86 00:03:49,254 --> 00:03:50,504 Sure. What's up? 87 00:03:50,506 --> 00:03:53,072 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke 88 00:03:53,074 --> 00:03:55,208 the other night about me eating all your food. 89 00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:57,377 Oh! That was no joke. But... 90 00:03:58,262 --> 00:03:59,379 I understand your confusion, 91 00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:01,465 as I am our group's resident cutup. 92 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,201 I'm sorry, 93 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,102 you are our resident cutup? 94 00:04:06,104 --> 00:04:08,438 Yes. 95 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,423 Oh, prove it. 96 00:04:10,425 --> 00:04:11,475 Knock-knock. 97 00:04:11,477 --> 00:04:13,143 - Who's there? - Interrupting physicist. 98 00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:16,062 Interrupting phys... Muon! 99 00:04:18,816 --> 00:04:21,434 Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial, 100 00:04:21,436 --> 00:04:23,587 and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys 101 00:04:23,589 --> 00:04:25,939 a little thank you to pay them back? 102 00:04:25,941 --> 00:04:26,773 So, Sheldon... 103 00:04:26,775 --> 00:04:28,575 ta-da! 104 00:04:28,577 --> 00:04:31,277 A vintage mint-in-box 105 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:34,280 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter 106 00:04:34,282 --> 00:04:35,749 with real transporter action. 107 00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:37,617 Hot darn! 108 00:04:37,619 --> 00:04:40,253 Where did you get that? 109 00:04:40,255 --> 00:04:41,721 From Stuart, at the comic book store. 110 00:04:41,723 --> 00:04:44,808 You went to the comic book store by yourself? 111 00:04:44,810 --> 00:04:46,476 Yeah. It was fun. 112 00:04:46,478 --> 00:04:49,813 I walked in, and two different guys got asthma attacks. 113 00:04:50,815 --> 00:04:52,799 Felt pretty good. 114 00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:55,318 This calls for an expression of gratitude. 115 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,071 Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug? 116 00:04:58,073 --> 00:05:00,407 No, not this time. Then they wouldn't be special. 117 00:05:00,409 --> 00:05:01,808 Thanks, Penny. 118 00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,161 You're welcome. 119 00:05:05,163 --> 00:05:07,163 Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. 120 00:05:07,165 --> 00:05:08,481 Oh... 121 00:05:08,483 --> 00:05:10,700 Leonard, I got you... 122 00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:12,602 a label-maker! 123 00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:21,661 Wow... 124 00:05:21,663 --> 00:05:23,046 No, it's great. 125 00:05:23,048 --> 00:05:25,999 - Also mint-in-box. - Mm. 126 00:05:26,001 --> 00:05:28,351 And I got you a transporter, too! 127 00:05:28,353 --> 00:05:29,886 Awesome! 128 00:05:33,391 --> 00:05:35,642 Look, it was actually designed for 129 00:05:35,644 --> 00:05:37,176 my vintage Mr. Spock action figure. 130 00:05:37,178 --> 00:05:39,429 Oh, that's great! Let's open them up and put him in there. 131 00:05:39,431 --> 00:05:41,481 - Open it?! - Oh, good Lord, no! 132 00:05:41,483 --> 00:05:43,700 Why? They're just toys. 133 00:05:43,702 --> 00:05:45,869 - They're collectibles. - They're mint-in-box. 134 00:05:45,871 --> 00:05:47,621 Come on. Can't we open one up and take a look? 135 00:05:47,623 --> 00:05:49,856 No, don't! 136 00:05:49,858 --> 00:05:52,993 Once you open the box, it loses its value. 137 00:05:52,995 --> 00:05:56,329 Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. 138 00:05:58,132 --> 00:06:00,333 Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun 139 00:06:00,335 --> 00:06:02,519 taking it out and playing with it. 140 00:06:04,922 --> 00:06:07,874 Are you sure you want us here when you meet this woman? 141 00:06:07,876 --> 00:06:08,842 Oh, yes. 142 00:06:08,844 --> 00:06:10,010 In my culture, it's expected 143 00:06:10,012 --> 00:06:12,012 to have a chaperone to oversee a first date. 144 00:06:12,014 --> 00:06:14,598 Plus, I want to make a good impression, and no offense, 145 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:18,351 but with you guys here, I look like I'm six-two. 146 00:06:19,854 --> 00:06:22,856 The nuns always chaperoned the dances at my high school. 147 00:06:22,858 --> 00:06:26,993 They used to make us leave room between us for the Holy Spirit. 148 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:28,528 Uh, Hindus do the same thing. 149 00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:31,531 Except they leave room for a cow. 150 00:06:31,533 --> 00:06:35,085 Listen, I love your charming racist humor, but any chance 151 00:06:35,087 --> 00:06:37,454 you could not mock my religion while she's here? 152 00:06:37,456 --> 00:06:39,673 Yesterday, you made fun of me for eating lox. 153 00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:41,675 It's different, your people don't worship lox. 154 00:06:41,677 --> 00:06:44,728 Clearly, you've never been to brunch with my cousins. 155 00:06:45,846 --> 00:06:47,631 So, arranged marriages-- the parents just decide 156 00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:49,432 and then you have to get married? 157 00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,351 No, no, I get a say in it. 158 00:06:51,353 --> 00:06:53,553 But I'm sure whoever shows up will be better company 159 00:06:53,555 --> 00:06:54,888 than the threesome I've been having 160 00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:57,440 with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. 161 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,061 Excuse me, are you Rajesh? 162 00:07:01,063 --> 00:07:01,945 Ah, yes. 163 00:07:01,947 --> 00:07:02,979 You must be Lakshmi. 164 00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:04,263 Uh, nice to meet you. 165 00:07:04,265 --> 00:07:05,732 Nice to meet you, too. 166 00:07:06,618 --> 00:07:08,101 Oh! These are my friends. 167 00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:09,786 - This is Bernadette. - Hello. 168 00:07:09,788 --> 00:07:11,655 - And this is Howard. - Nice to meet you. 169 00:07:11,657 --> 00:07:14,207 - You, too. - Please, have a seat. 170 00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:16,910 I'm thinking double wedding. 171 00:07:21,248 --> 00:07:24,334 Dr. Cooper. 172 00:07:26,137 --> 00:07:29,272 Dr. Cooper? 173 00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:30,507 Is someone there? 174 00:07:30,509 --> 00:07:33,109 Down here. On your desk. 175 00:07:36,964 --> 00:07:38,798 Spock? 176 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,668 I need to speak with you. 177 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,804 Fascinating. 178 00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:48,158 The only logical explanation is that this is a dream. 179 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,994 It is not the only logical explanation. 180 00:07:50,996 --> 00:07:53,563 For example, you could be hallucinating 181 00:07:53,565 --> 00:07:58,068 after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. 182 00:07:58,070 --> 00:08:01,821 Was I hit on the head by a coconut? 183 00:08:01,823 --> 00:08:05,792 I am not going to dignify that with a response. 184 00:08:07,044 --> 00:08:08,244 Now to the matter at hand. 185 00:08:08,246 --> 00:08:10,814 You need to play with the transporter toy. 186 00:08:10,816 --> 00:08:12,265 But it's mint-in-box. 187 00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:13,416 Yes. 188 00:08:13,418 --> 00:08:15,502 And to open it would destroy its value. 189 00:08:15,504 --> 00:08:18,455 But remember, like me, 190 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,523 you also have a human half. 191 00:08:20,525 --> 00:08:24,510 Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response. 192 00:08:24,512 --> 00:08:26,930 Consider this. 193 00:08:26,932 --> 00:08:28,798 What is the purpose of a toy? 194 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,200 To be played with. 195 00:08:30,202 --> 00:08:33,203 Therefore, to not play with it would be...? 196 00:08:33,205 --> 00:08:34,704 Illogical. 197 00:08:34,706 --> 00:08:38,357 Damn it, Spock, you're right. 198 00:08:38,359 --> 00:08:40,627 I'll do it. 199 00:08:40,629 --> 00:08:42,195 Sheldon, wait. 200 00:08:43,114 --> 00:08:44,748 You have to wake up first. 201 00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,866 Oh, of course. 202 00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:50,186 Set phasers to dumb, right? 203 00:08:51,172 --> 00:08:52,872 Goodie, goodie, goodie! 204 00:08:55,176 --> 00:08:56,676 This is wrong, this is wrong. 205 00:08:56,678 --> 00:08:59,229 I'm so excited, but this is wrong. 206 00:09:02,099 --> 00:09:03,850 I'm going to do it. 207 00:09:03,852 --> 00:09:05,602 I'm doing it. 208 00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:07,654 I did it. 209 00:09:12,227 --> 00:09:15,078 That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like. 210 00:09:18,165 --> 00:09:21,501 One to beam down, Mr. Scott. 211 00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:23,336 Aye, aye, Mr. Spock. 212 00:09:23,338 --> 00:09:24,871 Energize. 213 00:09:28,592 --> 00:09:30,360 Energize. 214 00:09:40,387 --> 00:09:41,971 No. No. 215 00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:43,973 Don't be broken. 216 00:09:43,975 --> 00:09:46,609 Oh, please, don't be broken. 217 00:09:48,428 --> 00:09:51,564 What did you make me do?! 218 00:09:51,566 --> 00:09:54,868 Okay, okay, think. 219 00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:03,493 It's only logical. 220 00:10:11,304 --> 00:10:12,190 My goodness, 221 00:10:12,191 --> 00:10:13,807 that was delicious. 222 00:10:13,808 --> 00:10:17,610 Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake. 223 00:10:17,612 --> 00:10:19,161 Impressive. 224 00:10:19,464 --> 00:10:21,615 What goes into making something like that? 225 00:10:21,617 --> 00:10:23,333 Well, you start out by trying to 226 00:10:23,335 --> 00:10:26,386 make chocolate soufflé, and when it falls, you panic, 227 00:10:26,388 --> 00:10:29,289 quickly change the name, and voila, lava cake. 228 00:10:30,541 --> 00:10:33,593 I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here. 229 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:35,545 Well, let's see. 230 00:10:36,848 --> 00:10:38,715 Yep, three missed calls. 231 00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:40,517 Four missed calls, two text messages 232 00:10:40,519 --> 00:10:42,585 and a failed video chat. I win! 233 00:10:44,139 --> 00:10:46,857 So, what are we going to tell them? 234 00:10:46,859 --> 00:10:49,693 I'd like to tell them things are going well. 235 00:10:49,695 --> 00:10:50,861 Me, too. 236 00:10:50,863 --> 00:10:52,529 But before we get their hopes up, 237 00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:54,981 we should probably make sure we're on the same page. 238 00:10:54,983 --> 00:10:56,900 Okay. 239 00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:59,286 What page are you on? 240 00:10:59,288 --> 00:11:00,570 I'm on the one 241 00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,739 where I'm under a lot of pressure 242 00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:05,275 from my parents to get married and settle down 243 00:11:05,277 --> 00:11:06,910 and have a family, 244 00:11:06,912 --> 00:11:10,063 and I'm going to do it so they don't find out I'm gay. 245 00:11:11,732 --> 00:11:14,134 Say again? 246 00:11:14,136 --> 00:11:15,468 I'm gay. 247 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:18,238 Like... dude-on-dude, 248 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,874 but with women? 249 00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:23,343 I know a fake marriage isn't an honest way to live, 250 00:11:23,345 --> 00:11:25,795 but you of all people should know how difficult it is 251 00:11:25,797 --> 00:11:27,297 to come out in our culture. 252 00:11:27,299 --> 00:11:30,133 Why me of all people?! 253 00:11:30,135 --> 00:11:32,586 Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're-- 254 00:11:32,588 --> 00:11:34,087 how shall we say-- 255 00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:36,740 comfortable in a sari. 256 00:11:36,742 --> 00:11:38,825 I'm not gay! 257 00:11:38,827 --> 00:11:40,327 Really? The chocolate lava cake, 258 00:11:40,329 --> 00:11:42,996 the little soaps in the bathroom, and I'm sorry, 259 00:11:42,998 --> 00:11:45,699 but you're wearing more perfume than I am. 260 00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:50,170 That's Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar. 261 00:11:50,172 --> 00:11:52,872 And for your information, it's unisex. 262 00:11:52,874 --> 00:11:54,591 Fill in the blank. 263 00:11:54,593 --> 00:11:56,326 I love the nightlife... 264 00:11:56,328 --> 00:11:57,777 I like to boogie. 265 00:11:57,779 --> 00:11:58,828 Got you. 266 00:11:58,830 --> 00:12:02,465 With women! I like to boogie with women! 267 00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,401 That's disappointing. 268 00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:07,103 You were exactly the kind of phony-baloney husband 269 00:12:07,105 --> 00:12:08,672 I was looking for. 270 00:12:08,674 --> 00:12:10,340 Thank you. 271 00:12:10,342 --> 00:12:14,311 And once again, my baloney likes girls. 272 00:12:14,313 --> 00:12:16,679 W-W-Wait! 273 00:12:16,681 --> 00:12:18,898 You don't want to put a bite of that in your mouth 274 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:21,334 without trying my homemade Chantilly cream. 275 00:12:22,519 --> 00:12:25,005 Yeah, okay, that time I heard it. 276 00:12:37,251 --> 00:12:40,637 Oh, dear. 277 00:12:40,639 --> 00:12:44,140 Two suns and no sunscreen. 278 00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:50,213 Hello again, Sheldon. 279 00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:55,085 What is it now, Tiny Spock? 280 00:12:55,087 --> 00:12:57,153 I am very disappointed in you. 281 00:12:57,155 --> 00:12:59,756 You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard's. 282 00:12:59,758 --> 00:13:02,125 You should be ashamed of yourself. 283 00:13:02,127 --> 00:13:04,861 You're the one who told me to play with it. 284 00:13:04,863 --> 00:13:07,163 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, 285 00:13:07,165 --> 00:13:08,631 would you do it? 286 00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:11,534 Oh, if I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, 287 00:13:11,536 --> 00:13:14,120 I would never, ever leave. 288 00:13:14,122 --> 00:13:18,274 Trust me, it gets old after a while. 289 00:13:19,777 --> 00:13:21,778 You must right your wrongs, Sheldon. 290 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:23,746 Why? I got away with it. 291 00:13:23,748 --> 00:13:27,267 Leonard has his toy, and he's never going to open it, 292 00:13:27,269 --> 00:13:29,052 so he won't know it's broken. 293 00:13:29,054 --> 00:13:31,388 And I have a toy that isn't broken. 294 00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,722 Everybody's happy. 295 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,474 Well, I am unhappy. 296 00:13:34,476 --> 00:13:37,410 I thought where you come from they don't have emotions. 297 00:13:37,412 --> 00:13:41,981 I come from a factory in Taiwan. 298 00:13:42,883 --> 00:13:44,451 Now, do the right thing. 299 00:13:44,453 --> 00:13:46,119 You know what you are? 300 00:13:46,121 --> 00:13:49,272 Well, you're a green-blooded buzz kill. 301 00:13:49,274 --> 00:13:51,774 Perhaps it's time you beam on out of here. 302 00:13:51,776 --> 00:13:52,709 Fine. 303 00:13:52,711 --> 00:13:54,861 I will just use the transporter. 304 00:13:54,863 --> 00:13:56,129 Oh, right. 305 00:13:56,131 --> 00:13:58,565 You broke it. 306 00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:00,750 Very well. 307 00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:03,837 Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. 308 00:14:03,839 --> 00:14:05,972 Energize. 309 00:14:17,169 --> 00:14:20,120 Tiny Spock, help. 310 00:14:24,909 --> 00:14:26,326 Ready for lunch? 311 00:14:26,328 --> 00:14:27,777 Yeah, one sec. 312 00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:29,996 Oh, good. Ma would've killed me 313 00:14:29,998 --> 00:14:33,366 if she found out I broke my retainer. 314 00:14:34,802 --> 00:14:36,252 Hey, uh... 315 00:14:36,254 --> 00:14:38,654 can I run something by you? It's about Lakshmi. 316 00:14:38,656 --> 00:14:40,540 Yeah, sure. How are things going? 317 00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,342 We hit a couple of bumps. 318 00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:43,510 She lives over in Manhattan Beach, 319 00:14:43,512 --> 00:14:45,628 so it takes, like, an hour to get there. 320 00:14:46,347 --> 00:14:48,064 And she's a lesbian. 321 00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:51,217 What do you mean, "she's a lesbian"? 322 00:14:51,219 --> 00:14:53,470 Well, you know how whenever you and I would try 323 00:14:53,472 --> 00:14:55,838 to hit on women in bars and they'd blow us off 324 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,024 and then we'd tell each other they were probably gay? 325 00:14:58,026 --> 00:14:59,025 It's like that. 326 00:14:59,027 --> 00:15:02,011 Except this time, it's true. 327 00:15:02,013 --> 00:15:04,347 Then why did she even go out with you? 328 00:15:04,349 --> 00:15:05,648 She was looking 329 00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:08,034 for a husband so she can appear to be straight. 330 00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:09,285 And, you know, 331 00:15:09,287 --> 00:15:11,905 it sounded crazy to me at first... 332 00:15:11,907 --> 00:15:15,024 but I'm actually thinking about doing it. 333 00:15:15,026 --> 00:15:18,545 Okay, so the reason that might sound crazy... 334 00:15:18,547 --> 00:15:20,914 is 'cause it's crazy! 335 00:15:20,916 --> 00:15:22,916 Look, Howard, you're in a relationship. 336 00:15:22,918 --> 00:15:25,418 You know you have to make compromises. 337 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:28,138 Yes, but my compromises are about which bedspread to buy 338 00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:30,757 or whose turn it is to do the laundry, 339 00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:32,675 Bernadette's or my mom's. 340 00:15:36,347 --> 00:15:37,814 It's a great deal. 341 00:15:37,816 --> 00:15:39,549 We both get our parents off our backs, 342 00:15:39,551 --> 00:15:42,152 I don't have to come home to an empty apartment every night. 343 00:15:42,154 --> 00:15:44,821 Plus, once I'm married, I can finally eat carbs again 344 00:15:44,823 --> 00:15:47,574 and let myself go. 345 00:15:47,576 --> 00:15:49,892 Why don't you tell your parents 346 00:15:49,894 --> 00:15:52,278 you want to try to find someone else? 347 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,331 Maybe one who hasn't slept with more woman than you. 348 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:57,951 Because this one wants to marry me. 349 00:15:57,953 --> 00:16:00,903 I might never find another one who does. 350 00:16:00,905 --> 00:16:03,089 So you're seriously thinking about marrying someone 351 00:16:03,091 --> 00:16:05,091 you're never gonna have sex with? 352 00:16:05,093 --> 00:16:06,543 I can't believe your attitude. 353 00:16:06,545 --> 00:16:09,629 I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married. 354 00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,883 Yes, to other gay people! 355 00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:18,071 Do you hear how homophobic you sound? 356 00:16:58,345 --> 00:17:01,297 Oh, I don't want a broken toy. 357 00:17:04,235 --> 00:17:07,153 Nothing! 358 00:17:07,155 --> 00:17:08,655 What? 359 00:17:08,657 --> 00:17:10,857 Nothing. I said nothing. 360 00:17:10,859 --> 00:17:11,858 That was weird. 361 00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:14,193 Really? I don't even notice anymore. 362 00:17:15,913 --> 00:17:18,147 I cannot believe you guys aren't gonna play with these. 363 00:17:18,149 --> 00:17:20,149 Well, I told you, you don't. It's mint-in-box. 364 00:17:20,151 --> 00:17:22,986 I don't know. I just think it's a waste. 365 00:17:28,292 --> 00:17:30,993 Relax. I'm just looking at the box. 366 00:17:30,995 --> 00:17:32,679 Perhaps you should look with your eyes 367 00:17:32,681 --> 00:17:35,998 and not your muscular Nebraska man hands. 368 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,001 What is your problem?! 369 00:17:39,003 --> 00:17:42,171 My problem is that I don't want you to break Leonard's toy. 370 00:17:42,173 --> 00:17:44,057 Which you probably did by shaking it! 371 00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:46,893 She shook it, we all saw her. 372 00:17:46,895 --> 00:17:48,194 Leonard, I bought you this 373 00:17:48,196 --> 00:17:50,229 'cause I wanted you to have fun with it. 374 00:17:50,231 --> 00:17:52,198 I don't want it to sit in this box. 375 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,817 You know, you're right. 376 00:17:54,819 --> 00:17:55,952 I mean, it's from you, 377 00:17:55,954 --> 00:17:58,204 I'm never gonna sell it. 378 00:17:58,206 --> 00:17:59,689 - I'm opening it. - Yes! 379 00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:13,803 - It's broken. - What? 380 00:18:13,805 --> 00:18:15,922 Oh, nice job, man hands! 381 00:18:16,873 --> 00:18:18,341 I didn't break it. 382 00:18:18,343 --> 00:18:21,427 I guess Stuart sold it to me like this. 383 00:18:21,429 --> 00:18:24,013 Yes. Yes, he did. 384 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:27,483 That is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explana... 385 00:18:27,485 --> 00:18:29,202 Let's all be mad at Stuart! 386 00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,071 You know, I paid a lot for this. 387 00:18:32,073 --> 00:18:33,889 Let's take it over there and show him. 388 00:18:33,891 --> 00:18:35,375 Absolutely. 389 00:18:37,695 --> 00:18:39,078 Wait! 390 00:18:41,532 --> 00:18:43,750 It was me. 391 00:18:44,918 --> 00:18:47,086 I opened your toy... 392 00:18:47,088 --> 00:18:51,040 discovered it was broken and didn't tell you. 393 00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:53,626 Why would you open mine? 394 00:18:53,628 --> 00:18:55,845 I didn't. That was a lie. 395 00:18:55,847 --> 00:18:58,598 I opened my own toy... 396 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,135 and it was already broken, so I switched them. 397 00:19:02,137 --> 00:19:04,604 You should talk to Stuart. 398 00:19:04,606 --> 00:19:06,706 I can't, because that was a lie. 399 00:19:07,941 --> 00:19:10,309 Yours was broken in an earthquake-- 400 00:19:10,311 --> 00:19:12,729 and that's a lie. 401 00:19:14,598 --> 00:19:16,432 What is the truth? 402 00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:19,202 My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream 403 00:19:19,204 --> 00:19:20,953 and forced me to open it. 404 00:19:20,955 --> 00:19:25,041 And when the toy broke, I switched it for yours. 405 00:19:25,043 --> 00:19:27,109 Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing, 406 00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:28,444 and I defied him. 407 00:19:28,446 --> 00:19:31,748 And then I was attacked by a Gorn. 408 00:19:35,018 --> 00:19:37,670 Okay, that I believe. 409 00:19:37,672 --> 00:19:40,122 Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know 410 00:19:40,124 --> 00:19:42,458 that I regret my actions towards the two of you. 411 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,460 That's a lie. 412 00:19:44,462 --> 00:19:47,013 So, is that one mine? 413 00:19:47,015 --> 00:19:48,014 Yes. 414 00:19:48,016 --> 00:19:50,099 Well, hand it over so I can open it. 415 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:51,734 Okay. 416 00:19:51,736 --> 00:19:54,470 And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, 417 00:19:54,472 --> 00:19:56,806 I hope you have fun playing with it. 418 00:19:56,808 --> 00:19:59,659 And that's a lie, right? It's a big, fat whopper. 419 00:20:01,144 --> 00:20:02,995 I hope it breaks. 420 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,079 This is a treat. 421 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,946 What brings you guys by? 422 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,299 Raj, Howie told me what's going on with you and Lakshmi. 423 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:20,834 You told her? 424 00:20:20,836 --> 00:20:23,270 I told everybody. 425 00:20:24,622 --> 00:20:26,173 We believe there's someone out there 426 00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:27,675 who will love you for you. 427 00:20:27,677 --> 00:20:29,543 Actually, we kind of agreed to disagree 428 00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:31,595 on that one, but we both think 429 00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:33,830 you shouldn't marry this woman. 430 00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:36,833 So, while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match 431 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:40,187 who may or may not exist, I'm supposed to just be alone? 432 00:20:40,189 --> 00:20:42,523 Not necessarily. I think 433 00:20:42,525 --> 00:20:46,443 we found someone for you to cuddle with. 434 00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:49,446 Oh, my goodness. 435 00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:53,683 Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! 436 00:20:54,869 --> 00:20:56,686 You got him for me? 437 00:20:56,688 --> 00:21:00,074 Her. We thought you two would hit it off. 438 00:21:00,076 --> 00:21:01,525 I think we already have. 439 00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:03,360 Thank you guys so much. 440 00:21:03,614 --> 00:21:07,416 Let's go see if you fit in my man purse. 441 00:21:09,188 --> 00:21:11,054 Heterosexual, my ass. 442 00:21:11,056 --> 00:21:15,056 == sync, corrected by elderman ==