1 00:00:01,755 --> 00:00:03,974 Oh, my God. I love this chicken. 2 00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:05,559 Oh, you know what they say, 3 00:00:05,561 --> 00:00:09,062 best things in life are free. 4 00:00:09,064 --> 00:00:11,031 Okay, you're right. I eat your food a lot. 5 00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:11,982 Now, how about this? 6 00:00:11,984 --> 00:00:13,783 You can raid my fridge anytime you want. 7 00:00:13,785 --> 00:00:15,569 Oh, that's very kind of you. 8 00:00:15,571 --> 00:00:18,738 Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery 9 00:00:18,740 --> 00:00:20,407 with a jar of old pickle juice, 10 00:00:20,409 --> 00:00:22,826 (clicks tongue) I'll come a-knockin'. 11 00:00:22,828 --> 00:00:24,995 Hey, Raj, you didn't send your RSVP in. 12 00:00:24,997 --> 00:00:27,914 I'm suppose to ask you if you're bringing someone to the wedding. 13 00:00:27,916 --> 00:00:29,716 I'll let you know. 14 00:00:29,718 --> 00:00:31,051 Well, can you make it soon? 15 00:00:31,053 --> 00:00:33,086 There's a battle royale going on over the seating charts. 16 00:00:33,088 --> 00:00:36,789 In one corner, Bernadette's mom, in the other three, mine. 17 00:00:36,791 --> 00:00:39,643 Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. 18 00:00:39,645 --> 00:00:41,061 Yeah, I wish the bride and groom 19 00:00:41,063 --> 00:00:42,479 would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins. 20 00:00:42,481 --> 00:00:45,649 Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home. 21 00:00:45,651 --> 00:00:48,485 Mm, you liked Professor Geyser's wedding. 22 00:00:48,487 --> 00:00:51,054 They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. 23 00:00:51,056 --> 00:00:53,440 Oh, that was a night to remember. 24 00:00:53,442 --> 00:00:57,944 Do you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts. 25 00:00:57,946 --> 00:01:00,697 Anyway, you got to let me know if you have a plus one. 26 00:01:00,699 --> 00:01:02,999 Because if not, my mom's trying to sneak in the doctor 27 00:01:03,001 --> 00:01:05,452 who sucked the fat out of her neck. 28 00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:10,507 All right, uh, fine. 29 00:01:10,509 --> 00:01:12,509 I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. 30 00:01:12,511 --> 00:01:13,960 Uh, Koothrappali plus one. 31 00:01:13,962 --> 00:01:14,827 Who you bringing? 32 00:01:14,829 --> 00:01:15,929 Who are you bringing?! 33 00:01:17,014 --> 00:01:19,216 He's bringing me; who are you bringing? 34 00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:23,002 Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O'Donnells. 35 00:01:23,004 --> 00:01:24,537 Come on, who is it? 36 00:01:24,539 --> 00:01:26,389 I'm not telling. 37 00:01:26,391 --> 00:01:29,442 I'm from Asia, I'm mysterious, deal with it. 38 00:01:30,511 --> 00:01:33,196 Howard aren't having a make-your-own-sundae bar? 39 00:01:33,198 --> 00:01:35,031 I don't think so. 40 00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,066 Well, you should. 41 00:01:36,068 --> 00:01:38,118 50% of marriages end in divorce, 44 00:01:46,461 --> 00:01:50,080 ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ 45 00:01:50,082 --> 00:01:51,631 ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ 46 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,950 ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ 47 00:01:53,952 --> 00:01:56,586 ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ 48 00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:59,322 ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ 49 00:01:59,324 --> 00:02:01,207 ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ 50 00:02:01,209 --> 00:02:02,162 ♪ Bang! ♪ 51 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,663 The Big Bang Theory 5x20 The Transporter Malfunction Original Air Date on March 29, 2012 52 00:02:05,664 --> 00:02:08,764 == sync, corrected by elderman == 53 00:02:08,768 --> 00:02:10,902 Hello, Mummy, Daddy. How are you? 54 00:02:10,904 --> 00:02:12,987 Pretty good. Can't complain. 55 00:02:12,989 --> 00:02:14,556 Oh, I'm sure you can. 56 00:02:14,558 --> 00:02:17,225 Just give it a minute. 57 00:02:17,227 --> 00:02:18,643 Listen, uh, 58 00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:20,862 there's something I want to talk to you about. 59 00:02:20,864 --> 00:02:23,415 I wasn't ready until now, but... 60 00:02:23,417 --> 00:02:24,982 I think it's time. 61 00:02:24,984 --> 00:02:26,534 It's finally happening. 62 00:02:26,536 --> 00:02:29,137 You're coming out of the closet, aren't you? 63 00:02:30,189 --> 00:02:33,041 We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle. 64 00:02:33,043 --> 00:02:36,361 Just... keep it to yourself. 65 00:02:36,363 --> 00:02:39,080 No, I'm not gay. 66 00:02:39,799 --> 00:02:42,183 If anything, I'm metrosexual. 67 00:02:42,185 --> 00:02:43,318 What's that? 68 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,019 It means I like women 69 00:02:45,021 --> 00:02:47,272 as well as their skin-care products. 70 00:02:47,274 --> 00:02:48,990 Well, if you're not coming out, 71 00:02:48,992 --> 00:02:51,926 why did you call us during the cricket semifinals? 72 00:02:51,928 --> 00:02:55,063 I'm tired of trying to meet someone, 73 00:02:55,065 --> 00:02:58,783 and I think I'd like you to help me find a... 74 00:02:58,785 --> 00:03:00,652 a wife. 75 00:03:00,654 --> 00:03:02,670 And just to clarify... 76 00:03:02,672 --> 00:03:04,439 a female wife? 77 00:03:04,441 --> 00:03:06,791 Yes! 78 00:03:06,793 --> 00:03:09,794 Matchmaking-- very smart move, son. 79 00:03:09,796 --> 00:03:11,946 Much better than marrying for love. 80 00:03:16,752 --> 00:03:19,354 We married for love. 81 00:03:19,356 --> 00:03:23,024 And it's been wonderful! 82 00:03:25,311 --> 00:03:29,547 Quantum physics makes me so happy. 83 00:03:29,549 --> 00:03:30,899 Yeah, I'm glad. 84 00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:33,585 It's like looking at the universe naked. 85 00:03:34,553 --> 00:03:38,239 (moaning sigh) 86 00:03:40,058 --> 00:03:41,359 (knocking) 87 00:03:41,361 --> 00:03:43,244 Hi. Guys got a minute? 88 00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:44,496 Sure. What's up? 89 00:03:44,498 --> 00:03:47,064 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke 90 00:03:47,066 --> 00:03:49,200 the other night about me eating all your food. 91 00:03:49,202 --> 00:03:51,369 Oh! That was no joke. But... 92 00:03:52,254 --> 00:03:53,371 I understand your confusion, 93 00:03:53,373 --> 00:03:55,457 as I am our group's resident cutup. 94 00:03:57,092 --> 00:03:58,193 I'm sorry, 95 00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:00,094 you are our resident cutup? 96 00:04:00,096 --> 00:04:02,430 Yes. 97 00:04:02,432 --> 00:04:04,415 Oh, prove it. 98 00:04:04,417 --> 00:04:05,467 Knock-knock. 99 00:04:05,469 --> 00:04:07,135 - Who's there? - Interrupting physicist. 100 00:04:07,137 --> 00:04:10,054 Interrupting phys... Muon! (laughs) 101 00:04:12,808 --> 00:04:15,426 Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial, 102 00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:17,579 and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys 103 00:04:17,581 --> 00:04:19,931 a little thank you to pay them back? 104 00:04:19,933 --> 00:04:20,765 So, Sheldon... 105 00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:22,567 ta-da! 106 00:04:22,569 --> 00:04:25,269 (gasps) A vintage mint-in-box 107 00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:28,272 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter 108 00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:29,741 with real transporter action. 109 00:04:29,743 --> 00:04:31,609 Hot darn! 110 00:04:31,611 --> 00:04:34,245 Where did you get that? 111 00:04:34,247 --> 00:04:35,713 From Stuart, at the comic book store. 112 00:04:35,715 --> 00:04:38,800 You went to the comic book store by yourself? 113 00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,468 Yeah. It was fun. 114 00:04:40,470 --> 00:04:43,805 I walked in, and two different guys got asthma attacks. 115 00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:46,791 Felt pretty good. 116 00:04:46,793 --> 00:04:49,310 This calls for an expression of gratitude. 117 00:04:49,312 --> 00:04:52,063 Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug? 118 00:04:52,065 --> 00:04:54,399 No, not this time. Then they wouldn't be special. 119 00:04:54,401 --> 00:04:55,800 (clicks tongue) Thanks, Penny. 120 00:04:57,686 --> 00:04:59,153 You're welcome. 121 00:04:59,155 --> 00:05:01,155 Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. 122 00:05:01,157 --> 00:05:02,473 Oh... 123 00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:04,692 Leonard, I got you... 124 00:05:04,694 --> 00:05:06,594 a label-maker! 125 00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:15,653 Wow... 126 00:05:15,655 --> 00:05:17,038 No, it's great. 127 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,991 - Also mint-in-box. - Mm. 128 00:05:19,993 --> 00:05:22,343 And I got you a transporter, too! 129 00:05:22,345 --> 00:05:23,878 Awesome! 130 00:05:27,383 --> 00:05:29,634 Look, it was actually designed for 131 00:05:29,636 --> 00:05:31,168 my vintage Mr. Spock action figure. 132 00:05:31,170 --> 00:05:33,421 Oh, that's great! Let's open them up and put him in there. 133 00:05:33,423 --> 00:05:35,473 - Open it?! - Oh, good Lord, no! 134 00:05:35,475 --> 00:05:37,692 Why? They're just toys. 135 00:05:37,694 --> 00:05:39,861 - They're collectibles. - They're mint-in-box. 136 00:05:39,863 --> 00:05:41,613 Come on. Can't we open one up and take a look? 137 00:05:41,615 --> 00:05:43,848 (screams) No, don't! 138 00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:46,985 Once you open the box, it loses its value. 139 00:05:46,987 --> 00:05:50,321 Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. 140 00:05:52,124 --> 00:05:54,325 Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun 141 00:05:54,327 --> 00:05:56,511 taking it out and playing with it. 142 00:05:58,914 --> 00:06:01,866 Are you sure you want us here when you meet this woman? 143 00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:02,834 Oh, yes. 144 00:06:02,836 --> 00:06:04,002 In my culture, it's expected 145 00:06:04,004 --> 00:06:06,004 to have a chaperone to oversee a first date. 146 00:06:06,006 --> 00:06:08,590 Plus, I want to make a good impression, and no offense, 147 00:06:08,592 --> 00:06:12,343 but with you guys here, I look like I'm six-two. 148 00:06:13,846 --> 00:06:16,848 The nuns always chaperoned the dances at my high school. 149 00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:20,985 They used to make us leave room between us for the Holy Spirit. 150 00:06:20,987 --> 00:06:22,520 Uh, Hindus do the same thing. 151 00:06:22,522 --> 00:06:25,523 Except they leave room for a cow. (chuckles) 152 00:06:25,525 --> 00:06:29,077 Listen, I love your charming racist humor, but any chance 153 00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:31,446 you could not mock my religion while she's here? 154 00:06:31,448 --> 00:06:33,665 Yesterday, you made fun of me for eating lox. 155 00:06:33,667 --> 00:06:35,667 It's different, your people don't worship lox. 156 00:06:35,669 --> 00:06:38,720 Clearly, you've never been to brunch with my cousins. 157 00:06:39,838 --> 00:06:41,623 So, arranged marriages-- the parents just decide 158 00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,424 and then you have to get married? 159 00:06:43,426 --> 00:06:45,343 No, no, I get a say in it. 160 00:06:45,345 --> 00:06:47,545 But I'm sure whoever shows up will be better company 161 00:06:47,547 --> 00:06:48,880 than the threesome I've been having 162 00:06:48,882 --> 00:06:51,432 with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. 163 00:06:53,352 --> 00:06:55,053 Excuse me, are you Rajesh? 164 00:06:55,055 --> 00:06:55,937 Ah, yes. 165 00:06:55,939 --> 00:06:56,971 You must be Lakshmi. 166 00:06:56,973 --> 00:06:58,255 Uh, nice to meet you. 167 00:06:58,257 --> 00:06:59,724 Nice to meet you, too. 168 00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:00,608 (chuckles) 169 00:07:00,610 --> 00:07:02,093 Oh! These are my friends. 170 00:07:02,095 --> 00:07:03,778 - This is Bernadette. - Hello. 171 00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:05,647 - And this is Howard. - Nice to meet you. 172 00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:08,199 - You, too. - Please, have a seat. 173 00:07:08,201 --> 00:07:10,902 (quietly): I'm thinking double wedding. 174 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,326 SPOCK: Dr. Cooper. 175 00:07:20,129 --> 00:07:23,264 Dr. Cooper? 176 00:07:23,266 --> 00:07:24,499 Is someone there? 177 00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:27,101 Down here. On your desk. 178 00:07:30,956 --> 00:07:32,790 Spock? 179 00:07:32,792 --> 00:07:35,660 I need to speak with you. 180 00:07:35,662 --> 00:07:38,796 Fascinating. 181 00:07:38,798 --> 00:07:42,150 The only logical explanation is that this is a dream. 182 00:07:42,152 --> 00:07:44,986 It is not the only logical explanation. 183 00:07:44,988 --> 00:07:47,555 For example, you could be hallucinating 184 00:07:47,557 --> 00:07:52,060 after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. 185 00:07:52,062 --> 00:07:55,813 Was I hit on the head by a coconut? 186 00:07:55,815 --> 00:07:59,784 I am not going to dignify that with a response. 187 00:08:01,036 --> 00:08:02,236 Now to the matter at hand. 188 00:08:02,238 --> 00:08:04,806 You need to play with the transporter toy. 189 00:08:04,808 --> 00:08:06,257 But it's mint-in-box. 190 00:08:06,259 --> 00:08:07,408 Yes. 191 00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:09,494 And to open it would destroy its value. 192 00:08:09,496 --> 00:08:12,447 But remember, like me, 193 00:08:12,449 --> 00:08:14,515 you also have a human half. 194 00:08:14,517 --> 00:08:18,502 Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response. 195 00:08:18,504 --> 00:08:20,922 Consider this. 196 00:08:20,924 --> 00:08:22,790 What is the purpose of a toy? 197 00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:24,192 To be played with. 198 00:08:24,194 --> 00:08:27,195 Therefore, to not play with it would be...? 199 00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:28,696 Illogical. 200 00:08:28,698 --> 00:08:32,349 Damn it, Spock, you're right. 201 00:08:32,351 --> 00:08:34,619 I'll do it. 202 00:08:34,621 --> 00:08:36,187 Sheldon, wait. 203 00:08:37,106 --> 00:08:38,740 You have to wake up first. 204 00:08:38,742 --> 00:08:40,858 Oh, of course. 205 00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:44,178 Set phasers to dumb, right? (chuckles) 206 00:08:45,164 --> 00:08:46,864 Goodie, goodie, goodie! 207 00:08:49,168 --> 00:08:50,668 This is wrong, this is wrong. 208 00:08:50,670 --> 00:08:53,221 I'm so excited, but this is wrong. 209 00:08:56,091 --> 00:08:57,842 I'm going to do it. 210 00:08:57,844 --> 00:08:59,594 I'm doing it. 211 00:08:59,596 --> 00:09:01,646 I did it. 212 00:09:03,849 --> 00:09:04,899 (sniffs) 213 00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,217 (sighs) 214 00:09:06,219 --> 00:09:09,070 That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like. 215 00:09:12,157 --> 00:09:15,493 One to beam down, Mr. Scott. 216 00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:17,328 Aye, aye, Mr. Spock. 217 00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:18,863 Energize. 218 00:09:22,584 --> 00:09:24,352 Energize. 219 00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:28,072 (plastic clink) 220 00:09:34,379 --> 00:09:35,963 No. No. 221 00:09:35,965 --> 00:09:37,965 Don't be broken. 222 00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:40,601 Oh, please, don't be broken. 223 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:45,556 What did you make me do?! 224 00:09:45,558 --> 00:09:48,860 Okay, okay, think. 225 00:09:55,284 --> 00:09:57,485 It's only logical. 226 00:09:59,955 --> 00:10:00,841 My goodness, 227 00:10:00,842 --> 00:10:02,458 that was delicious. 228 00:10:02,459 --> 00:10:06,261 Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake. 229 00:10:06,263 --> 00:10:07,812 Impressive. 230 00:10:08,115 --> 00:10:10,266 What goes into making something like that? 231 00:10:10,268 --> 00:10:11,984 Well, you start out by trying to 232 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:15,037 make chocolate soufflé, and when it falls, you panic, 233 00:10:15,039 --> 00:10:17,940 quickly change the name, and voila, lava cake. 234 00:10:19,192 --> 00:10:22,244 I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here. 235 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:24,196 Well, let's see. 236 00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:27,366 Yep, three missed calls. 237 00:10:27,368 --> 00:10:29,168 Four missed calls, two text messages 238 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,236 and a failed video chat. I win! 239 00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:32,788 (chuckles) 240 00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:35,508 So, what are we going to tell them? 241 00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:38,344 I'd like to tell them things are going well. 242 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,512 Me, too. 243 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,180 But before we get their hopes up, 244 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,632 we should probably make sure we're on the same page. 245 00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:45,551 Okay. 246 00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:47,937 What page are you on? 247 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,221 I'm on the one 248 00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:51,390 where I'm under a lot of pressure 249 00:10:51,392 --> 00:10:53,926 from my parents to get married and settle down 250 00:10:53,928 --> 00:10:55,561 and have a family, 251 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:58,714 and I'm going to do it so they don't find out I'm gay. 252 00:11:00,383 --> 00:11:02,785 Say again? 253 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,119 I'm gay. 254 00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:06,889 Like... dude-on-dude, 255 00:11:06,891 --> 00:11:09,525 but with women? 256 00:11:09,527 --> 00:11:11,994 I know a fake marriage isn't an honest way to live, 257 00:11:11,996 --> 00:11:14,446 but you of all people should know how difficult it is 258 00:11:14,448 --> 00:11:15,948 to come out in our culture. 259 00:11:15,950 --> 00:11:18,784 Why me of all people?! 260 00:11:18,786 --> 00:11:21,237 Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're-- 261 00:11:21,239 --> 00:11:22,738 how shall we say-- 262 00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:25,391 comfortable in a sari. 263 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,476 I'm not gay! 264 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,978 Really? The chocolate lava cake, 265 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,647 the little soaps in the bathroom, and I'm sorry, 266 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,350 but you're wearing more perfume than I am. 267 00:11:34,352 --> 00:11:38,821 That's Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar. 268 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,523 And for your information, it's unisex. 269 00:11:41,525 --> 00:11:43,242 Fill in the blank. 270 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,977 I love the nightlife... 271 00:11:44,979 --> 00:11:46,428 I like to boogie. 272 00:11:46,430 --> 00:11:47,479 Got you. 273 00:11:47,481 --> 00:11:51,116 With women! I like to boogie with women! 274 00:11:51,118 --> 00:11:53,052 That's disappointing. 275 00:11:53,054 --> 00:11:55,754 You were exactly the kind of phony-baloney husband 276 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,323 I was looking for. 277 00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,991 Thank you. 278 00:11:58,993 --> 00:12:02,962 And once again, my baloney likes girls. 279 00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:05,330 W-W-Wait! 280 00:12:05,332 --> 00:12:07,549 You don't want to put a bite of that in your mouth 281 00:12:07,551 --> 00:12:09,985 without trying my homemade Chantilly cream. 282 00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:13,656 Yeah, okay, that time I heard it. 283 00:12:25,902 --> 00:12:29,288 Oh, dear. 284 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:32,791 Two suns and no sunscreen. 285 00:12:37,297 --> 00:12:38,864 Hello again, Sheldon. 286 00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:43,736 What is it now, Tiny Spock? 287 00:12:43,738 --> 00:12:45,804 I am very disappointed in you. 288 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:48,407 You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard's. 289 00:12:48,409 --> 00:12:50,776 You should be ashamed of yourself. 290 00:12:50,778 --> 00:12:53,512 You're the one who told me to play with it. 291 00:12:53,514 --> 00:12:55,814 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, 292 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,282 would you do it? 293 00:12:57,284 --> 00:13:00,185 Oh, if I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, 294 00:13:00,187 --> 00:13:02,771 I would never, ever leave. 295 00:13:02,773 --> 00:13:06,925 Trust me, it gets old after a while. 296 00:13:08,428 --> 00:13:10,429 You must right your wrongs, Sheldon. 297 00:13:10,431 --> 00:13:12,397 Why? I got away with it. 298 00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:15,918 Leonard has his toy, and he's never going to open it, 299 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,703 so he won't know it's broken. 300 00:13:17,705 --> 00:13:20,039 And I have a toy that isn't broken. 301 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,373 Everybody's happy. 302 00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,125 Well, I am unhappy. 303 00:13:23,127 --> 00:13:26,061 I thought where you come from they don't have emotions. 304 00:13:26,063 --> 00:13:30,632 I come from a factory in Taiwan. 305 00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:33,102 Now, do the right thing. 306 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,770 You know what you are? 307 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,923 Well, you're a green-blooded buzz kill. 308 00:13:37,925 --> 00:13:40,425 Perhaps it's time you beam on out of here. 309 00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:41,360 Fine. 310 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,512 I will just use the transporter. 311 00:13:43,514 --> 00:13:44,780 Oh, right. 312 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,216 You broke it. 313 00:13:47,218 --> 00:13:49,401 Very well. 314 00:13:49,403 --> 00:13:52,488 Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. 315 00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,623 Energize. 316 00:14:00,830 --> 00:14:02,214 (roaring) 317 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:04,299 (screaming) 318 00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,818 (grunts softly) 319 00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:08,771 Tiny Spock, help. 320 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,977 Ready for lunch? 321 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,428 Yeah, one sec. 322 00:14:16,430 --> 00:14:18,647 Oh, good. Ma would've killed me 323 00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:22,017 if she found out I broke my retainer. 324 00:14:23,453 --> 00:14:24,903 Hey, uh... 325 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,305 can I run something by you? It's about Lakshmi. 326 00:14:27,307 --> 00:14:29,191 Yeah, sure. How are things going? 327 00:14:29,193 --> 00:14:30,993 We hit a couple of bumps. 328 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,161 She lives over in Manhattan Beach, 329 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,279 so it takes, like, an hour to get there. 330 00:14:34,998 --> 00:14:36,715 And she's a lesbian. 331 00:14:36,717 --> 00:14:39,868 What do you mean, "she's a lesbian"? 332 00:14:39,870 --> 00:14:42,121 Well, you know how whenever you and I would try 333 00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:44,489 to hit on women in bars and they'd blow us off 334 00:14:44,491 --> 00:14:46,675 and then we'd tell each other they were probably gay? 335 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:47,676 It's like that. 336 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,662 Except this time, it's true. 337 00:14:50,664 --> 00:14:52,998 Then why did she even go out with you? 338 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,299 She was looking 339 00:14:54,301 --> 00:14:56,685 for a husband so she can appear to be straight. 340 00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:57,936 And, you know, 341 00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,556 it sounded crazy to me at first... 342 00:15:00,558 --> 00:15:03,675 but I'm actually thinking about doing it. 343 00:15:03,677 --> 00:15:07,196 Okay, so the reason that might sound crazy... 344 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:09,565 is 'cause it's crazy! 345 00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:11,567 Look, Howard, you're in a relationship. 346 00:15:11,569 --> 00:15:14,069 You know you have to make compromises. 347 00:15:14,071 --> 00:15:16,789 Yes, but my compromises are about which bedspread to buy 348 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,408 or whose turn it is to do the laundry, 349 00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:21,326 Bernadette's or my mom's. 350 00:15:24,998 --> 00:15:26,465 It's a great deal. 351 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,200 We both get our parents off our backs, 352 00:15:28,202 --> 00:15:30,803 I don't have to come home to an empty apartment every night. 353 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:33,472 Plus, once I'm married, I can finally eat carbs again 354 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:36,225 and let myself go. 355 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,543 Why don't you tell your parents 356 00:15:38,545 --> 00:15:40,929 you want to try to find someone else? 357 00:15:40,931 --> 00:15:43,982 Maybe one who hasn't slept with more woman than you. 358 00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,602 Because this one wants to marry me. 359 00:15:46,604 --> 00:15:49,554 I might never find another one who does. 360 00:15:49,556 --> 00:15:51,740 So you're seriously thinking about marrying someone 361 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,742 you're never gonna have sex with? 362 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,194 I can't believe your attitude. 363 00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:58,280 I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married. 364 00:16:00,216 --> 00:16:02,534 Yes, to other gay people! 365 00:16:02,536 --> 00:16:06,722 Do you hear how homophobic you sound? 366 00:16:19,919 --> 00:16:22,554 (sighs) 367 00:16:46,996 --> 00:16:49,948 Oh, I don't want a broken toy. 368 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:55,804 Nothing! 369 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,306 What? 370 00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,508 Nothing. I said nothing. 371 00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:00,509 That was weird. 372 00:17:00,511 --> 00:17:02,844 Really? I don't even notice anymore. 373 00:17:04,564 --> 00:17:06,798 I cannot believe you guys aren't gonna play with these. 374 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,800 Well, I told you, you don't. It's mint-in-box. 375 00:17:08,802 --> 00:17:11,637 I don't know. I just think it's a waste. 376 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,805 (squeals) 377 00:17:16,943 --> 00:17:19,644 Relax. I'm just looking at the box. 378 00:17:19,646 --> 00:17:21,330 Perhaps you should look with your eyes 379 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,649 and not your muscular Nebraska man hands. 380 00:17:24,651 --> 00:17:27,652 What is your problem?! 381 00:17:27,654 --> 00:17:30,822 My problem is that I don't want you to break Leonard's toy. 382 00:17:30,824 --> 00:17:32,708 Which you probably did by shaking it! 383 00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:35,544 She shook it, we all saw her. 384 00:17:35,546 --> 00:17:36,845 Leonard, I bought you this 385 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:38,880 'cause I wanted you to have fun with it. 386 00:17:38,882 --> 00:17:40,849 I don't want it to sit in this box. 387 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,468 You know, you're right. 388 00:17:43,470 --> 00:17:44,603 I mean, it's from you, 389 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,855 I'm never gonna sell it. 390 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,340 - I'm opening it. - Yes! 391 00:17:48,342 --> 00:17:50,058 (nervous yelp) 392 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,454 - It's broken. - What? 393 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,573 Oh, nice job, man hands! 394 00:18:05,524 --> 00:18:06,992 I didn't break it. 395 00:18:06,994 --> 00:18:10,078 I guess Stuart sold it to me like this. 396 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,664 Yes. Yes, he did. 397 00:18:12,666 --> 00:18:16,134 That is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explana... 398 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:17,853 Let's all be mad at Stuart! 399 00:18:18,871 --> 00:18:20,722 You know, I paid a lot for this. 400 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,540 Let's take it over there and show him. 401 00:18:22,542 --> 00:18:24,026 Absolutely. 402 00:18:26,346 --> 00:18:27,729 Wait! 403 00:18:30,183 --> 00:18:32,401 It was me. 404 00:18:33,569 --> 00:18:35,737 I opened your toy... 405 00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:39,691 discovered it was broken and didn't tell you. 406 00:18:39,693 --> 00:18:42,277 Why would you open mine? 407 00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:44,496 I didn't. That was a lie. 408 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,249 I opened my own toy... 409 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,786 and it was already broken, so I switched them. 410 00:18:50,788 --> 00:18:53,255 You should talk to Stuart. 411 00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:55,357 I can't, because that was a lie. 412 00:18:56,592 --> 00:18:58,960 Yours was broken in an earthquake-- 413 00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:01,380 and that's a lie. 414 00:19:03,249 --> 00:19:05,083 What is the truth? 415 00:19:05,085 --> 00:19:07,853 My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream 416 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,604 and forced me to open it. 417 00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:13,692 And when the toy broke, I switched it for yours. 418 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,760 Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing, 419 00:19:15,762 --> 00:19:17,095 and I defied him. 420 00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:20,399 And then I was attacked by a Gorn. 421 00:19:23,669 --> 00:19:26,321 Okay, that I believe. 422 00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:28,773 Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know 423 00:19:28,775 --> 00:19:31,109 that I regret my actions towards the two of you. 424 00:19:31,111 --> 00:19:33,111 That's a lie. 425 00:19:33,113 --> 00:19:35,664 So, is that one mine? 426 00:19:35,666 --> 00:19:36,665 Yes. 427 00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,750 Well, hand it over so I can open it. 428 00:19:38,752 --> 00:19:40,385 Okay. 429 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,121 And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, 430 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:45,457 I hope you have fun playing with it. 431 00:19:45,459 --> 00:19:48,310 And that's a lie, right? It's a big, fat whopper. 432 00:19:49,795 --> 00:19:51,646 I hope it breaks. 433 00:19:56,989 --> 00:19:58,064 This is a treat. 434 00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,931 What brings you guys by? 435 00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:03,284 Raj, Howie told me what's going on with you and Lakshmi. 436 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,819 You told her? 437 00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:07,255 I told everybody. 438 00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:10,158 We believe there's someone out there 439 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,660 who will love you for you. 440 00:20:11,662 --> 00:20:13,528 Actually, we kind of agreed to disagree 441 00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:15,580 on that one, but we both think 442 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,815 you shouldn't marry this woman. 443 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,818 So, while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match 444 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:24,172 who may or may not exist, I'm supposed to just be alone? 445 00:20:24,174 --> 00:20:26,508 Not necessarily. I think 446 00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:30,428 we found someone for you to cuddle with. 447 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,431 (gasps) Oh, my goodness. 448 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:37,668 Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! 449 00:20:38,854 --> 00:20:40,671 You got him for me? 450 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:44,059 Her. We thought you two would hit it off. 451 00:20:44,061 --> 00:20:45,510 I think we already have. 452 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,345 Thank you guys so much. 453 00:20:47,599 --> 00:20:51,401 Let's go see if you fit in my man purse. 454 00:20:53,173 --> 00:20:55,039 Heterosexual, my ass. 455 00:20:55,041 --> 00:20:59,041 == sync, corrected by elderman ==