1 00:00:01,462 --> 00:00:04,330 This is a historic day for Greendale. 2 00:00:04,331 --> 00:00:09,235 This state-of-the-art Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium 3 00:00:09,236 --> 00:00:12,021 represents Greendale's first steps forward 4 00:00:12,022 --> 00:00:14,257 into the realm of the legitimate! 5 00:00:14,258 --> 00:00:15,341 Ooh. 6 00:00:15,342 --> 00:00:17,410 Oh, oh. No problem. You know what? 7 00:00:17,411 --> 00:00:19,512 I'm just going to get it started with my teeth. 8 00:00:19,513 --> 00:00:22,031 The legitimate! Oh. The legitimate! 9 00:00:22,032 --> 00:00:23,850 That should be my sandwich shop. 10 00:00:23,851 --> 00:00:25,735 It was my idea to put one there. 11 00:00:25,736 --> 00:00:27,203 - We're here for you, Shirley. - Yeah. 12 00:00:27,204 --> 00:00:29,021 Troy, Annie, and I know what it's like to be displaced. 13 00:00:29,022 --> 00:00:31,040 They're tenting our building for termites, so we're homeless. 14 00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:32,792 I'm staying in the sleep study lab. 15 00:00:32,793 --> 00:00:34,577 All I have to do is wake up every three hours and go... 16 00:00:34,578 --> 00:00:37,547 And I get two credits. 17 00:00:37,548 --> 00:00:39,301 Yeah, and we're going to build a super awesome pillow fort 18 00:00:39,302 --> 00:00:41,050 - here at the school. - Another pillow fort? 19 00:00:41,051 --> 00:00:42,585 Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? 20 00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:45,138 That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. 21 00:00:45,139 --> 00:00:47,140 Way more difficult, way better. 22 00:00:47,141 --> 00:00:49,392 All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease 23 00:00:49,393 --> 00:00:51,227 - or holding in a fart right now. - Aha! 24 00:00:51,228 --> 00:00:54,397 I just found out how Shirley and I are going to take down Subway. 25 00:00:54,398 --> 00:00:56,065 - Oh, how? - Dean? 26 00:00:56,066 --> 00:00:58,868 I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws. 27 00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:01,821 - I am not. - Shirley, you do the honors. 28 00:01:01,822 --> 00:01:03,740 My brain starts getting weird this time of night. 29 00:01:03,741 --> 00:01:05,575 It's 10:00 a.m. 30 00:01:05,576 --> 00:01:07,744 - You're welcome. - Uh-oh. 31 00:01:07,745 --> 00:01:09,996 "Any business operating for profit on Greendale's campus 32 00:01:09,997 --> 00:01:13,583 must be at least 51% owned by a registered Greendale student"! 33 00:01:13,584 --> 00:01:15,251 That's too bad, Dean. 34 00:01:15,252 --> 00:01:17,086 I don't recall seeing Subway 35 00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:18,922 in my premenopausal, postfeminist 36 00:01:18,923 --> 00:01:20,707 experiential marketing class. 37 00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:22,926 Actually, I'm on the wait list 38 00:01:22,927 --> 00:01:25,428 - for the premen/postfem/ex mark. - Who are you? 39 00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:28,765 Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway. 40 00:01:28,766 --> 00:01:30,550 Your name is Subway? 41 00:01:30,551 --> 00:01:34,020 Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process 44 00:01:39,777 --> 00:01:41,027 of business owners. 45 00:01:41,028 --> 00:01:43,062 I have contractually waived my birth identity 46 00:01:43,063 --> 00:01:47,934 and am now a man and student named... Subway. 47 00:01:47,935 --> 00:01:50,036 I don't believe this. 48 00:01:50,037 --> 00:01:52,622 Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10". 49 00:01:52,623 --> 00:01:55,107 So you can vote? 50 00:01:55,108 --> 00:01:57,493 Actually, no, because technically I'm only a week old. 51 00:01:57,494 --> 00:01:58,795 Aww. 52 00:01:58,796 --> 00:01:59,796 But please don't think of me 53 00:01:59,797 --> 00:02:01,080 as any less human than yourselves. 54 00:02:01,081 --> 00:02:03,166 I'm here to hang out, take weird classes, 55 00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:06,219 and party as hearty as my morality clause allows. 56 00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:09,255 Eat fresh? Eat fresh? 57 00:02:09,256 --> 00:02:11,307 - Eat fresh. - That's my man. 58 00:02:11,308 --> 00:02:12,842 Wow, did you know Greendale students 59 00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:15,590 are technically in the army reserves? 60 00:02:17,297 --> 00:02:19,599 Let's say a little prayer for peace. 61 00:02:20,468 --> 00:02:23,653 ♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ 62 00:02:23,654 --> 00:02:26,823 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ 63 00:02:26,824 --> 00:02:30,326 ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ 64 00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:34,247 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ 65 00:02:34,248 --> 00:02:39,202 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 66 00:02:39,203 --> 00:02:43,539 ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ 67 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:46,204 Sync and corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com 68 00:02:46,903 --> 00:02:49,145 Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab. 69 00:02:49,146 --> 00:02:51,381 I can't think of a better use of my time here 70 00:02:51,382 --> 00:02:52,515 than being unconscious. 71 00:02:52,516 --> 00:02:54,100 It's not a blowoff class, Jeff. 72 00:02:54,101 --> 00:02:56,135 We're only allowed to bring one stuffed animal. 73 00:02:56,136 --> 00:02:58,004 I'm bringing Ruthie... 74 00:02:58,005 --> 00:03:00,640 But using her pouch to sneaking Nathan. 75 00:03:00,641 --> 00:03:02,648 Well, have fun. 76 00:03:04,845 --> 00:03:06,863 Wait, since when do we have lockers? 77 00:03:06,864 --> 00:03:09,699 Uh, since registration day, 2009. 78 00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,350 Jeff, did you skip 79 00:03:11,351 --> 00:03:13,286 the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar 80 00:03:13,287 --> 00:03:15,354 and Diversity Fire Circle? 81 00:03:15,355 --> 00:03:17,240 This explains so much about you. 82 00:03:17,241 --> 00:03:20,159 Are you saying I've had a locker here for 2 1/2 years? 83 00:03:23,831 --> 00:03:26,365 Whoa, whoa. Wow. 84 00:03:26,366 --> 00:03:28,751 "Halloween dance." "Post-Halloween dance." 85 00:03:28,752 --> 00:03:30,003 "Dance contest." 86 00:03:30,004 --> 00:03:31,554 "Contest dance." Oh, come on. 87 00:03:31,555 --> 00:03:34,841 What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett? 88 00:03:34,842 --> 00:03:38,728 Nothing now. We saved him. 89 00:03:38,729 --> 00:03:39,729 Aah! 90 00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:41,848 Wait, that's "saved" Garrett? 91 00:03:41,849 --> 00:03:44,717 Ooh, what's this? Love letter? 92 00:03:44,718 --> 00:03:46,903 Oh, it's probably one of many. 93 00:03:46,904 --> 00:03:48,988 Oh, no. This is a hate letter. 94 00:03:48,989 --> 00:03:50,389 What? Let me see that. 95 00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:52,025 "Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock 96 00:03:52,026 --> 00:03:53,993 "to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world, 97 00:03:53,994 --> 00:03:55,995 "but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk. 98 00:03:55,996 --> 00:03:57,063 Kim." 99 00:03:57,064 --> 00:03:58,948 - "Inconsiderate"? - Who's Kim? 100 00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:01,117 I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me. 101 00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:02,702 Gesundheit. 102 00:04:02,703 --> 00:04:03,703 I didn't sneeze. 103 00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:08,858 Look at these idiots. 104 00:04:08,859 --> 00:04:10,576 Cattle, sheep... 105 00:04:10,577 --> 00:04:13,046 Other animals that travel in herds. 106 00:04:13,047 --> 00:04:14,246 I want to say snakes. 107 00:04:14,247 --> 00:04:16,299 Am I the only person enraged by the fact 108 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,601 that corporations are taking human form? 109 00:04:18,602 --> 00:04:21,637 I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column 110 00:04:21,638 --> 00:04:23,089 "Britta unfiltered." 111 00:04:23,090 --> 00:04:26,092 - Unfiltered. I get it. - Get what? 112 00:04:26,093 --> 00:04:29,595 Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing. 113 00:04:29,596 --> 00:04:31,097 Uh, Britta... 114 00:04:31,098 --> 00:04:33,232 You're a, uh, progressive woman 115 00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:37,537 of a more... liberated looseness. 116 00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:39,906 You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him. 117 00:04:39,907 --> 00:04:42,375 Corporate espionage. I like it. 118 00:04:42,376 --> 00:04:45,828 Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones. 119 00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:47,547 And the deadliest weapon of them all... 120 00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:51,117 - The penis flytrap. - Okay! This conversation is over. 121 00:04:51,118 --> 00:04:53,719 I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, 122 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,005 but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind 123 00:04:56,006 --> 00:04:59,092 that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel. 124 00:05:03,347 --> 00:05:05,932 - Abed, Troy. - Ah, don't worry, Dean. 125 00:05:05,933 --> 00:05:07,600 We have all the proper permits right here. 126 00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:08,901 Oh, silly me! 127 00:05:08,902 --> 00:05:11,821 This is a coupon for 20% off at bed bath & beyond. 128 00:05:11,822 --> 00:05:15,942 No need to bribe me, Troy. Actually... 129 00:05:15,943 --> 00:05:17,493 There's plenty more where that came from. 130 00:05:17,494 --> 00:05:19,946 Look, I was just googling record lengths of stuff, 131 00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:22,365 and apparently there's a guinness world record 132 00:05:22,366 --> 00:05:24,750 for the biggest pillow... or blanket fort. 133 00:05:24,751 --> 00:05:26,919 So you boys... you should go for it. 134 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,489 Put this school on the map. 135 00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:31,841 We'd have a better chance of setting the record 136 00:05:31,842 --> 00:05:34,594 if we made this a blanket fort, you know, take less time. 137 00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,012 We wanted to make a pillow fort. 138 00:05:36,013 --> 00:05:38,097 I don't want to sacrifice quality for square footage. 139 00:05:38,098 --> 00:05:40,216 We don't need a world record to tell us we did something cool. 140 00:05:40,217 --> 00:05:41,500 But if we won, we might meet that dude 141 00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:42,518 with the curly fingernails. 142 00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:44,020 Shridhar Chillal? Not interested. 143 00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:48,691 I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious. 144 00:05:48,692 --> 00:05:51,010 - I'm going to go get a drink. - Okay. 145 00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:55,231 - Troy Barnes. - Vice Dean Laybourne. 146 00:05:55,232 --> 00:05:58,784 You have a beard... And a ponytail. 147 00:05:58,785 --> 00:06:00,319 Going through some stuff right now, Troy. 148 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,138 Don't worry about it. 149 00:06:02,139 --> 00:06:03,906 Any chance you've given a second thought to joining 150 00:06:03,907 --> 00:06:05,124 my air conditioning repair school? 151 00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:06,526 Sorry. 152 00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:09,528 Kind of busy at the moment doing some awesome work with Abed. 153 00:06:09,529 --> 00:06:11,948 Ah, yeah, Abed. 154 00:06:11,949 --> 00:06:14,634 You guys watch that television show together, don't you? 155 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,169 Inspector Spacetime. 156 00:06:16,170 --> 00:06:17,369 Funny, Troy. 157 00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:19,205 You and Abed have always reminded me 158 00:06:19,206 --> 00:06:21,540 of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie. 159 00:06:21,541 --> 00:06:22,808 Cool! 160 00:06:22,809 --> 00:06:25,011 The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, 161 00:06:25,012 --> 00:06:26,729 and Reggie is... 162 00:06:26,730 --> 00:06:29,215 Well, he's Reggie. 163 00:06:29,216 --> 00:06:31,767 Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts 164 00:06:31,768 --> 00:06:32,818 and has a whistle. 165 00:06:32,819 --> 00:06:34,070 Yeah. 166 00:06:34,071 --> 00:06:36,606 But he never really gets to blow the whistle 167 00:06:36,607 --> 00:06:39,075 unless the inspector says it's okay. 168 00:06:39,076 --> 00:06:42,561 Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd 169 00:06:42,562 --> 00:06:44,247 and his naive, obedient lapdog. 170 00:06:44,248 --> 00:06:45,815 Well, I got a thing. 171 00:06:45,816 --> 00:06:49,118 You take care. 172 00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:51,570 Well, according to the office, this is the locker 173 00:06:51,571 --> 00:06:55,258 of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009. 174 00:06:55,259 --> 00:06:57,510 Wonder what you did to make her so mad. 175 00:06:57,511 --> 00:07:00,630 Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her. 176 00:07:00,631 --> 00:07:03,516 Annie, that's what you think of me? 177 00:07:03,517 --> 00:07:05,017 I don't make out with forgettable women. 178 00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:06,052 Can I help you? 179 00:07:06,053 --> 00:07:08,020 We're looking for Kim McFadden. 180 00:07:08,021 --> 00:07:10,389 - This is her locker, right? - Are you serious? 181 00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:13,142 She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago. 182 00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:14,426 I guess I pissed her off somehow. 183 00:07:14,427 --> 00:07:17,947 - I'm hoping to apologize. - That might not be easy. 184 00:07:17,948 --> 00:07:20,266 Kim's no longer with us. 185 00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:23,202 - She died two weeks ago. - What? 186 00:07:23,203 --> 00:07:25,121 Sorry to drop that on you and run, 187 00:07:25,122 --> 00:07:26,789 but there's a rally for Garrett. 188 00:07:26,790 --> 00:07:29,408 But we saved him. 189 00:07:29,409 --> 00:07:33,212 Did we? 190 00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,049 What do you recommend? 191 00:07:37,050 --> 00:07:39,051 What's it to you, meat pusher? 192 00:07:39,052 --> 00:07:40,920 Sounds like you might be a vegetarian. 193 00:07:40,921 --> 00:07:42,505 You should try Subway's Veggie Delite. 194 00:07:42,506 --> 00:07:44,957 You should try reading Orwell's 1984. 195 00:07:44,958 --> 00:07:46,726 I have. It's a great book. 196 00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,160 It really awakened me in High School. 197 00:07:48,161 --> 00:07:49,461 I think kids should be forced to read it. 198 00:07:49,462 --> 00:07:52,448 Me too. Anyway, you're living it. 199 00:07:52,449 --> 00:07:55,084 You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass. 200 00:07:55,085 --> 00:07:56,519 Is this what you dreamt of being? 201 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,822 Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life 202 00:07:59,823 --> 00:08:01,274 or engage in any nonplatonic relations, 203 00:08:01,275 --> 00:08:02,908 practice religion in public, 204 00:08:02,909 --> 00:08:05,311 or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that 205 00:08:05,312 --> 00:08:06,946 found anywhere outside Subway. 206 00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:08,381 Why are you getting all that? 207 00:08:08,382 --> 00:08:10,316 I wanted to stand next to you for a moment. 208 00:08:10,317 --> 00:08:12,818 It was worth it. 209 00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:18,257 Like a good book by Orwell or a Veggie Delite. 210 00:08:21,011 --> 00:08:23,379 Is that you, Subway? 211 00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,181 My eyesight ain't what it used to be. 212 00:08:25,182 --> 00:08:26,832 Eat these tater tots, Harry. 213 00:08:26,833 --> 00:08:29,602 For what it's worth, I think you might see more than all of us. 214 00:08:32,672 --> 00:08:33,973 Did you see him smiling at you? 215 00:08:33,974 --> 00:08:36,025 Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta. 216 00:08:36,026 --> 00:08:38,461 - Pierce. - Sorry. Whoreswomanship. 217 00:08:38,462 --> 00:08:40,146 Forgot it was the '90s. 218 00:08:40,147 --> 00:08:41,564 Uh-oh. 219 00:08:41,565 --> 00:08:43,566 Anyway... Thank you, Britta. 220 00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:45,951 I knew we could count on you to help us take him down! 221 00:08:45,952 --> 00:08:48,070 Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy 222 00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:50,706 the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes. 223 00:08:50,707 --> 00:08:53,642 Ooh! We did it, Pierce. 224 00:09:10,475 --> 00:09:11,975 Powerful passage, isn't it? 225 00:09:11,976 --> 00:09:15,095 "She had become a physical necessity." 226 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,397 You circled this paragraph. 227 00:09:17,398 --> 00:09:19,700 I can't say that I did. 228 00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:22,119 I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability 229 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,639 to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems. 230 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,109 Who were you, Subway, before you were Subway? 231 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,744 I can't say. 232 00:09:30,745 --> 00:09:32,145 I have to live within the rules. 233 00:09:32,146 --> 00:09:34,164 This identity is my life. 234 00:09:34,165 --> 00:09:35,949 If I do this for three more years, 235 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,117 I can live a real dream. 236 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,585 Well, at least tell me what that is. 237 00:09:38,586 --> 00:09:41,655 I want to run a nonprofit shelter for handicapped animals. 238 00:09:41,656 --> 00:09:43,657 Dogs with wheels for hind legs. 239 00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:45,292 - Deaf hamsters. - One-eyed cats? 240 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:49,179 Well, they weren't on the top of my list, but sure. 241 00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:50,280 I should go. 242 00:09:50,281 --> 00:09:51,882 This is getting out of bounds for me. 243 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,767 Eat fresh. 244 00:09:56,437 --> 00:09:58,387 You should put the small ones in the middle, 245 00:09:58,388 --> 00:09:59,665 or the wall won't hold the ceiling. 246 00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,285 Why do I always have to be your Reggie? 247 00:10:01,286 --> 00:10:02,309 What? 248 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,510 I wanted to make a blanket fort, 249 00:10:03,511 --> 00:10:05,646 and you never even gave it a second thought. 250 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,614 I'm not even your sidekick. I'm your underkick. 251 00:10:07,615 --> 00:10:09,616 I never said you couldn't do anything. 252 00:10:09,617 --> 00:10:12,569 If you want to make a blanket fort, that's fine with me. 253 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:13,820 Thank you. 254 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:17,658 Just don't make it part of my pillow fort. 255 00:10:20,194 --> 00:10:22,079 Fine. 256 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,530 I'll start it somewhere else. 257 00:10:23,531 --> 00:10:27,884 Have fun stacking pillows like a baby. 258 00:10:27,885 --> 00:10:30,837 Jeff, are you okay? 259 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,223 I'm lying on campus furniture, so no. 260 00:10:33,224 --> 00:10:37,644 Is it about this Kim girl? 261 00:10:37,645 --> 00:10:40,947 She is someone who died thinking I was a dick. 262 00:10:40,948 --> 00:10:42,716 I can never apologize. 263 00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,484 I can never change her mind. 264 00:10:44,485 --> 00:10:47,020 That makes me a dick forever. 265 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,272 You think that's what an apology is? 266 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:52,826 A spell you cast on another person to make them forgive you? 267 00:10:52,827 --> 00:10:56,196 Apologies are opportunities to admit your own mistakes. 268 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,748 Apologize to her locker. 269 00:10:57,749 --> 00:11:00,667 But how can I apologize if I don't know what I did wrong? 270 00:11:00,668 --> 00:11:04,621 Well, didn't she call you inconsiderate? 271 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:08,959 Sounds to me like you know exactly what you did wrong. 272 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,095 - Leonard, what are you doing? - Abed's fort needs pillows. 273 00:11:12,096 --> 00:11:13,680 But I was going to lie there. 274 00:11:13,681 --> 00:11:17,083 I was going to invest in IBM in 1952, 275 00:11:17,084 --> 00:11:19,553 but life is full of disappointments. 276 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,108 Eating fresh, are we? 277 00:11:25,109 --> 00:11:27,594 Have you found any dirt on Subway yet? 278 00:11:27,595 --> 00:11:29,863 No, nothing. I should probably hang out with him more. 279 00:11:29,864 --> 00:11:32,699 You know what I think? I think you're falling for him. 280 00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:35,035 I am not. Who do you think I am? 281 00:11:35,036 --> 00:11:36,236 I lived in New York. 282 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,271 You never lived anywhere. 283 00:11:38,272 --> 00:11:40,057 You're a weapon designed for sex. 284 00:11:40,058 --> 00:11:41,408 You only think you lived in New York 285 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,909 'cause I implanted your memories. 286 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,779 Oh, Pierce, stop it! Look what we're becoming. 287 00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:47,798 I'm sorry we pulled you into this dirty game. 288 00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:48,799 I want you to stop. 289 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,283 Yeah, we're pulling you out... 290 00:11:50,284 --> 00:11:52,836 Right after your last assignment. 291 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,756 This pen is a microphone. 292 00:11:55,757 --> 00:12:00,510 It's also a miniflask. 293 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,145 Did you just drink ink? 294 00:12:02,146 --> 00:12:03,947 Just plant this on Subway, 295 00:12:03,948 --> 00:12:05,599 and you'll never have to see him again. 296 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,734 Until then, keep him interested. 297 00:12:07,735 --> 00:12:11,321 And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips. 298 00:12:14,975 --> 00:12:18,028 Hello, Abed. How's the pillow fort going? 299 00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,330 It's hard making something perfect, but it's worth it. 300 00:12:20,331 --> 00:12:22,416 Yeah, I'll remember that when I'm being given a key 301 00:12:22,417 --> 00:12:24,167 to the secret guinness record holders' clubhouse, 302 00:12:24,168 --> 00:12:26,386 where I'll be hanging with those two fat guys on motorcycles 303 00:12:26,387 --> 00:12:28,588 and being fitted for a beard of bees. 304 00:12:28,589 --> 00:12:31,591 Whoo! Well, Troy, I just got off the phone with Guinness, 305 00:12:31,592 --> 00:12:33,126 and they are sending a representative 306 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,929 to have a look-see at your blanket fort. 307 00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:38,965 - Are we world-record ready? - Garrett? 308 00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,968 We are still more than 2,000 square feet shy of the record. 309 00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:44,838 Abed's pillow fort is the only thing standing in our way. 310 00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:46,673 Well, what are we going to do here, guys? 311 00:12:46,674 --> 00:12:48,341 Is there a way we can connect them? 312 00:12:48,342 --> 00:12:50,143 You can't connect the blanket fort to the pillow fort 313 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,311 and still call it a pillow fort. 314 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,395 Even if you could, I'd rather see 315 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,780 my work destroyed than compromise it. 316 00:12:53,781 --> 00:12:56,516 Great, Abed will destroy his pillow fort, 317 00:12:56,517 --> 00:12:59,619 and Troy will expand his blanket fort into the space. 318 00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:00,987 Everyone wins. 319 00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:04,207 Except Abed, but you know, not everyone can win. 320 00:13:04,208 --> 00:13:05,992 Is that what you want, Troy? 321 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:09,813 For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? 322 00:13:09,814 --> 00:13:12,566 - It is. - Magnitude. 323 00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:15,492 Evacuate fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct. 324 00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:18,371 - Sir? - Do it. We're done here. 325 00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:22,208 Pop, pop, Captain. 326 00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:32,102 Oh! Subway. 327 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,404 Britta, I was worried you wouldn't come. 328 00:13:34,405 --> 00:13:38,408 - I can't stop thinking about you. - Shh. 329 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,329 They wanted me to plant a bug on you. 330 00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:43,880 I can't, and I won't. 331 00:13:43,881 --> 00:13:47,200 Our values, our identities... they mean nothing to me now. 332 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,702 Only the primal remains. 333 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:52,672 To me, you are simply a physical necessity. 334 00:13:52,673 --> 00:13:53,924 - Mmm. - Mmm. 335 00:13:53,925 --> 00:13:56,543 Oh, Subway. 336 00:13:59,347 --> 00:14:01,214 Subway. 337 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:03,683 - Oh, Subway. - Mmm. 338 00:14:03,684 --> 00:14:06,019 Oh, Subway. 339 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:07,020 Oh, no, no. 340 00:14:07,021 --> 00:14:08,588 No, this is wrong, Pierce. 341 00:14:08,589 --> 00:14:09,589 I just wanted to open a sandwich shop. 342 00:14:09,590 --> 00:14:10,774 I did not sign up for this. 343 00:14:10,775 --> 00:14:12,559 You don't want to get your hands dirty, fine. 344 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,277 I will. 345 00:14:14,278 --> 00:14:18,773 Nice knowing you, Subway. If that is your real name. 346 00:14:21,285 --> 00:14:24,287 Ahh. 347 00:14:33,303 --> 00:14:37,339 Kim. It's me, Jeff. 348 00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:39,558 The inconsiderate jerk. 349 00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:41,426 Look, I don't remember hurting you, 350 00:14:41,427 --> 00:14:43,912 and I have to assume that's what hurt you. 351 00:14:43,913 --> 00:14:45,547 God knows what crime you've committed 352 00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:47,899 to deserve me disregarding you entirely. 353 00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:50,686 But whatever your crime, I think we both know 354 00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:52,938 the real crime is mine. 355 00:14:52,939 --> 00:14:54,856 I'm a self-centered, shallow jackass. 356 00:14:54,857 --> 00:15:00,495 And I just want to... thank you for your note 357 00:15:00,496 --> 00:15:03,582 because I'm going to try and change. 358 00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:05,233 I just wish you were here to forgive me. 359 00:15:05,234 --> 00:15:07,068 I am. 360 00:15:07,069 --> 00:15:09,571 And I do. 361 00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:10,589 I'm Kim. 362 00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:11,623 What? 363 00:15:11,624 --> 00:15:13,508 You said Kim was dead. 364 00:15:13,509 --> 00:15:16,128 Because you never remember who I am. 365 00:15:16,129 --> 00:15:18,046 First year, we hung out, like, ten times. 366 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,098 And each time, you introduced yourself to me. 367 00:15:20,099 --> 00:15:21,633 That's why I wrote that note. 368 00:15:21,634 --> 00:15:23,918 And then today, it's like you still don't remember me. 369 00:15:23,919 --> 00:15:26,188 And... and you still assume from my name that I am a girl. 370 00:15:26,189 --> 00:15:28,807 I had no choice but to make up that awesome story 371 00:15:28,808 --> 00:15:31,393 about a dead chick to hurt you like you hurt me. 372 00:15:31,394 --> 00:15:35,530 I am so sorry... 373 00:15:35,531 --> 00:15:37,532 Kim. Right? 374 00:15:37,533 --> 00:15:40,702 Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that? 375 00:15:42,538 --> 00:15:44,573 What the hell is this crap? 376 00:15:44,574 --> 00:15:46,458 Annie, this is Kim. 377 00:15:46,459 --> 00:15:47,793 I think because he had a girl's name, 378 00:15:47,794 --> 00:15:49,127 I never took him seriously. 379 00:15:49,128 --> 00:15:50,912 It happens literally all the time, 380 00:15:50,913 --> 00:15:53,948 which is insane because 16% of all people named Kim are men. 381 00:15:53,949 --> 00:15:56,718 - I'm sorry, buddy. - Don't apologize to this guy. 382 00:15:56,719 --> 00:15:59,871 - You told me to apologize. - To a dead girl's locker. 383 00:15:59,872 --> 00:16:03,425 I thought I was representing the sisterhood. 384 00:16:03,426 --> 00:16:04,626 Thought I was teaching you a lesson 385 00:16:04,627 --> 00:16:06,762 about all the girls you dominate 386 00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:08,146 and then ignore. 387 00:16:08,147 --> 00:16:11,516 Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, 388 00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:14,302 hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name. 389 00:16:14,303 --> 00:16:16,321 Hey! You are really mean. 390 00:16:16,322 --> 00:16:18,770 Put it in a letter, Jane Austen. 391 00:16:20,827 --> 00:16:24,813 Prepare to initiate Protocol Omega. 392 00:16:24,814 --> 00:16:27,949 Good-bye, pillow fort. You were a beautiful dream. 393 00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:31,319 More than a dream. It's here. 394 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,487 Who are you? 395 00:16:32,488 --> 00:16:34,039 Someone who understands dedication 396 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,991 to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. 397 00:16:36,992 --> 00:16:39,678 This world is run by the unremarkables. 398 00:16:39,679 --> 00:16:41,997 Don't do what you always do, Abed. 399 00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:44,999 Don't corrupt the host to pacify the parasites. 400 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,084 Ask yourself... 401 00:16:46,085 --> 00:16:49,654 "What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?" 402 00:16:49,655 --> 00:16:53,191 What if it fell to the Reggies of the world 403 00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:57,295 to keep up with the inspectors or perish? 404 00:16:57,296 --> 00:17:01,416 Now please turn your head while I crawl away. 405 00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:04,986 I'm going through some stuff right now. 406 00:17:04,987 --> 00:17:07,756 I'm very insecure. 407 00:17:09,525 --> 00:17:10,692 What's going on? 408 00:17:10,693 --> 00:17:12,611 I'll ask the questions here. 409 00:17:12,612 --> 00:17:15,497 You had sex with Subway, and I recorded it. 410 00:17:15,498 --> 00:17:17,699 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 411 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,335 - Mm-hmm. - Hmm. 412 00:17:20,336 --> 00:17:21,887 You know what, I'm going to let this one slide. 413 00:17:21,888 --> 00:17:22,888 - What? - What? 414 00:17:22,889 --> 00:17:23,889 I know we have very strict rules 415 00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:25,390 against romantic entanglements 416 00:17:25,391 --> 00:17:28,560 with our corpohumanoids, but at this point in time, 417 00:17:28,561 --> 00:17:30,896 we can't stop them from having hearts. 418 00:17:30,897 --> 00:17:33,315 These two are clearly in love. 419 00:17:33,316 --> 00:17:34,983 If they want to express that love 420 00:17:34,984 --> 00:17:38,937 in a perfectly healthy way, then... okay, hold on. 421 00:17:38,938 --> 00:17:41,173 Th... is this what I think it is? 422 00:17:42,725 --> 00:17:44,843 That got unhealthy real quick. 423 00:17:44,844 --> 00:17:47,045 That... okay, that's... yeah, that's weird. 424 00:17:47,046 --> 00:17:49,247 That is well out of the mainstream. 425 00:17:49,248 --> 00:17:50,532 You know, I was raised in the... 426 00:17:50,533 --> 00:17:53,234 the Bay Area, but I... I'm a father now. 427 00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:58,206 Subway cannot stand for that, and frankly, Rick, 428 00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,742 - I-I'm surprised you did. - My name is Subway. 429 00:18:00,743 --> 00:18:02,410 Not anymore. 430 00:18:02,411 --> 00:18:04,379 - The bread is stale. - No! No! 431 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,882 - Oh, my God. - Subway, I love you! 432 00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:08,049 - Britta! - Shut up. 433 00:18:08,050 --> 00:18:09,551 How could you? 434 00:18:09,552 --> 00:18:13,472 Well, if that'll be all, I'll be on my way. 435 00:18:13,473 --> 00:18:16,691 If someone could hand me my jacket. 436 00:18:16,692 --> 00:18:19,110 It's right over there on the coatrack next to the door. 437 00:18:19,111 --> 00:18:22,080 If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great. 438 00:18:25,318 --> 00:18:26,768 I guess I'm confused. 439 00:18:26,769 --> 00:18:28,436 Why don't you just grab it on your way out the door... 440 00:18:28,437 --> 00:18:30,322 You know what? Now I'm not leaving. 441 00:18:30,323 --> 00:18:32,407 Now I'm just going to sit for a while 442 00:18:32,408 --> 00:18:36,127 and focus on how unacceptable today was. 443 00:18:36,128 --> 00:18:38,630 Jeff. 444 00:18:38,631 --> 00:18:40,832 I wanted to apologize. 445 00:18:40,833 --> 00:18:44,619 I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, 446 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:47,556 and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim. 447 00:18:47,557 --> 00:18:49,140 Mm. 448 00:18:49,141 --> 00:18:51,793 Who's Kim? 449 00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:54,679 Corporate America has destroyed love. 450 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,983 - Again? - Subway! 451 00:18:57,984 --> 00:19:01,135 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. 452 00:19:01,136 --> 00:19:03,972 Britta, you silly. It is me, Subway. 453 00:19:03,973 --> 00:19:05,440 What? 454 00:19:05,441 --> 00:19:07,659 I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, 455 00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:10,245 the one exception being the deviant sex act 456 00:19:10,246 --> 00:19:13,193 you initiated without my consent. 457 00:19:15,418 --> 00:19:17,986 Eat fresh. 458 00:19:17,987 --> 00:19:18,987 Aah! 459 00:19:18,988 --> 00:19:20,321 - Whoa! - Oh, jeez. 460 00:19:20,322 --> 00:19:22,657 There is a situation developing in the study room. 461 00:19:22,658 --> 00:19:24,543 I would elaborate, but I am out of breath 462 00:19:24,544 --> 00:19:26,344 because I walked here very briskly. 463 00:19:29,331 --> 00:19:31,466 Calm down! 464 00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:35,303 Calm! Down! 465 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:38,006 - What's going on here? - Abed won't tear down his fort. 466 00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:39,841 I shouldn't have to compromise my craftsmanship 467 00:19:39,842 --> 00:19:41,776 - to placate mediocrity. - Mediocrity? 468 00:19:41,777 --> 00:19:43,778 Okay, b... boys, boys. 469 00:19:43,779 --> 00:19:46,114 The Guinness rep will be here in two days. 470 00:19:46,115 --> 00:19:49,350 Can we just flip a coin to decide who has to back down? 471 00:19:49,351 --> 00:19:50,652 - No. - No. 472 00:19:50,653 --> 00:19:53,187 Well, I'm Dean, so I'm making the call. 473 00:19:55,541 --> 00:19:57,459 The pillow fort comes down. 474 00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:59,794 - All right, you stay back. - Watch it, Star-Burns. 475 00:19:59,795 --> 00:20:01,796 My name is Alex! 476 00:20:07,803 --> 00:20:09,871 This is war! 477 00:20:26,155 --> 00:20:27,722 - Back, back. - Back. 478 00:20:27,723 --> 00:20:30,358 - Go. - Back, back, back in the fort. 479 00:20:32,394 --> 00:20:35,380 To be continued. 480 00:20:47,156 --> 00:20:49,291 Sir, it appears that Troy Barnes' blanket fort 481 00:20:49,292 --> 00:20:51,643 may go to war with Abed Nadir's pillow fort. 482 00:20:51,644 --> 00:20:52,795 Of course. 483 00:20:52,796 --> 00:20:55,380 Soon Troy and Abed will be torn asunder, 484 00:20:55,381 --> 00:20:59,184 and an unencumbered Troy will turn to his destiny... 485 00:20:59,185 --> 00:21:01,553 The air conditioning repair school. 486 00:21:01,554 --> 00:21:04,204 You are a cold-blooded man, sir. 487 00:21:04,205 --> 00:21:05,483 Yes. 488 00:21:05,484 --> 00:21:08,798 How unfortunate for Troy and Abed. 489 00:21:11,666 --> 00:21:13,640 See you in band practice.