1 00:00:02,618 --> 00:00:05,486 This is a historic day for Greendale. 2 00:00:05,487 --> 00:00:10,391 This state-of-the-art Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium 3 00:00:10,392 --> 00:00:13,177 represents Greendale's first steps forward 4 00:00:13,178 --> 00:00:15,413 into the realm of the legitimate! 5 00:00:15,414 --> 00:00:16,497 Students: Ooh. 6 00:00:16,498 --> 00:00:18,566 Oh, oh. No problem. You know what? 7 00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:20,668 I'm just going to get it started with my teeth. 8 00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:23,187 The legitimate! Oh. The legitimate! 9 00:00:23,188 --> 00:00:25,006 That should be my sandwich shop. 10 00:00:25,007 --> 00:00:26,891 It was my idea to put one there. 11 00:00:26,892 --> 00:00:28,359 - We're here for you, Shirley. - Yeah. 12 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,177 Troy, Annie, and I know what it's like to be displaced. 13 00:00:30,178 --> 00:00:32,196 They're tenting our building for termites, so we're homeless. 14 00:00:32,197 --> 00:00:33,948 I'm staying in the sleep study lab. 15 00:00:33,949 --> 00:00:35,733 All I have to do is wake up every three hours and go... 16 00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:38,703 [Screams] And I get two credits. 17 00:00:38,704 --> 00:00:40,457 Yeah, and we're going to build a super awesome pillow fort 18 00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,206 - here at the school. - Another pillow fort? 19 00:00:42,207 --> 00:00:43,741 Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? 20 00:00:43,742 --> 00:00:46,294 That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. 21 00:00:46,295 --> 00:00:48,296 Way more difficult, way better. 22 00:00:48,297 --> 00:00:50,548 All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease 23 00:00:50,549 --> 00:00:52,383 - or holding in a fart right now. - Aha! 24 00:00:52,384 --> 00:00:55,553 I just found out how Shirley and I are going to take down Subway. 25 00:00:55,554 --> 00:00:57,221 - Oh, how? - Dean? 26 00:00:57,222 --> 00:01:00,024 I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws. 27 00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:02,977 - I am not. - Shirley, you do the honors. 28 00:01:02,978 --> 00:01:04,896 My brain starts getting weird this time of night. 29 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,731 It's 10:00 a.m. 30 00:01:06,732 --> 00:01:08,900 - You're welcome. - Uh-oh. 31 00:01:08,901 --> 00:01:11,152 "Any business operating for profit on Greendale's campus 32 00:01:11,153 --> 00:01:14,739 must be at least 51% owned by a registered Greendale student"! 33 00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,407 That's too bad, Dean. 34 00:01:16,408 --> 00:01:18,242 I don't recall seeing Subway 35 00:01:18,243 --> 00:01:20,078 in my premenopausal, postfeminist 36 00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:21,863 experiential marketing class. 37 00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:24,082 Actually, I'm on the wait list 38 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,584 - for the premen/postfem/ex mark. - Who are you? 39 00:01:26,585 --> 00:01:29,921 Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway. 40 00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:31,706 Your name is Subway? 41 00:01:31,707 --> 00:01:35,176 Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process 44 00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:42,183 of business owners. 45 00:01:42,184 --> 00:01:44,218 I have contractually waived my birth identity 46 00:01:44,219 --> 00:01:49,090 and am now a man and student named... Subway. 47 00:01:49,091 --> 00:01:51,192 I don't believe this. 48 00:01:51,193 --> 00:01:53,778 Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10". 49 00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:56,263 So you can vote? 50 00:01:56,264 --> 00:01:58,649 Actually, no, because technically I'm only a week old. 51 00:01:58,650 --> 00:01:59,951 Aww. 52 00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:00,952 But please don't think of me 53 00:02:00,953 --> 00:02:02,236 as any less human than yourselves. 54 00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:04,322 I'm here to hang out, take weird classes, 55 00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:07,375 and party as hearty as my morality clause allows. 56 00:02:07,376 --> 00:02:10,411 Eat fresh? Eat fresh? 57 00:02:10,412 --> 00:02:12,463 - Eat fresh. - That's my man. 58 00:02:12,464 --> 00:02:13,998 Wow, did you know Greendale students 59 00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:16,746 are technically in the army reserves? 60 00:02:18,453 --> 00:02:20,755 Let's say a little prayer for peace. 61 00:02:21,624 --> 00:02:24,809 ♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ 62 00:02:24,810 --> 00:02:27,979 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ 63 00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:31,482 ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ 64 00:02:31,483 --> 00:02:35,403 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ 65 00:02:35,404 --> 00:02:40,358 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 66 00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:44,695 ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ 67 00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:47,360 Sync and corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 68 00:02:48,059 --> 00:02:50,301 Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab. 69 00:02:50,302 --> 00:02:52,537 I can't think of a better use of my time here 70 00:02:52,538 --> 00:02:53,671 than being unconscious. 71 00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:55,256 It's not a blowoff class, Jeff. 72 00:02:55,257 --> 00:02:57,291 We're only allowed to bring one stuffed animal. 73 00:02:57,292 --> 00:02:59,160 I'm bringing Ruthie... 74 00:02:59,161 --> 00:03:01,796 [Whispers] But using her pouch to sneaking Nathan. 75 00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:03,804 Well, have fun. 76 00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:08,019 Wait, since when do we have lockers? 77 00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:10,855 Uh, since registration day, 2009. 78 00:03:10,856 --> 00:03:12,506 Jeff, did you skip 79 00:03:12,507 --> 00:03:14,442 the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar 80 00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:16,510 and Diversity Fire Circle? 81 00:03:16,511 --> 00:03:18,396 This explains so much about you. 82 00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:21,315 Are you saying I've had a locker here for 2 1/2 years? 83 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,521 Whoa, whoa. Wow. 84 00:03:27,522 --> 00:03:29,907 "Halloween dance." "Post-Halloween dance." 85 00:03:29,908 --> 00:03:31,159 "Dance contest." 86 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,710 "Contest dance." Oh, come on. 87 00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:35,997 What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett? 88 00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:39,884 Nothing now. We saved him. 89 00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:40,885 Aah! 90 00:03:40,886 --> 00:03:43,004 Wait, that's "saved" Garrett? 91 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,873 Ooh, what's this? Love letter? 92 00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:48,059 Oh, it's probably one of many. 93 00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:50,144 Oh, no. This is a hate letter. 94 00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:51,545 What? Let me see that. 95 00:03:51,546 --> 00:03:53,181 "Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock 96 00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:55,149 "to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world, 97 00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:57,151 "but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk. 98 00:03:57,152 --> 00:03:58,219 Kim." 99 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:00,104 - "Inconsiderate"? - Who's Kim? 100 00:04:00,105 --> 00:04:02,273 I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me. 101 00:04:02,274 --> 00:04:03,858 - [Sneezes] - Gesundheit. 102 00:04:03,859 --> 00:04:04,859 I didn't sneeze. 103 00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:07,361 [Scoffs] 104 00:04:08,664 --> 00:04:10,014 Look at these idiots. 105 00:04:10,015 --> 00:04:11,732 Cattle, sheep... 106 00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:14,202 Other animals that travel in herds. 107 00:04:14,203 --> 00:04:15,402 I want to say snakes. 108 00:04:15,403 --> 00:04:17,455 Am I the only person enraged by the fact 109 00:04:17,456 --> 00:04:19,757 that corporations are taking human form? 110 00:04:19,758 --> 00:04:22,793 I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column 111 00:04:22,794 --> 00:04:24,245 "Britta unfiltered." 112 00:04:24,246 --> 00:04:27,248 - Unfiltered. I get it. - Get what? 113 00:04:27,249 --> 00:04:30,751 Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing. 114 00:04:30,752 --> 00:04:32,253 Uh, Britta... 115 00:04:32,254 --> 00:04:34,388 You're a, uh, progressive woman 116 00:04:34,389 --> 00:04:38,693 of a more... liberated looseness. 117 00:04:38,694 --> 00:04:41,062 You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him. 118 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:43,531 Corporate espionage. I like it. 119 00:04:43,532 --> 00:04:46,984 Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones. 120 00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:48,703 And the deadliest weapon of them all... 121 00:04:48,704 --> 00:04:52,273 - The penis flytrap. - Okay! This conversation is over. 122 00:04:52,274 --> 00:04:54,875 I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, 123 00:04:54,876 --> 00:04:57,161 but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind 124 00:04:57,162 --> 00:05:00,248 that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel. 125 00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:07,088 - Abed, Troy. - Ah, don't worry, Dean. 126 00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,756 We have all the proper permits right here. 127 00:05:08,757 --> 00:05:10,057 Oh, silly me! 128 00:05:10,058 --> 00:05:12,977 This is a coupon for 20% off at bed bath & beyond. 129 00:05:12,978 --> 00:05:17,098 No need to bribe me, Troy. Actually... 130 00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,649 There's plenty more where that came from. 131 00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:21,102 Look, I was just googling record lengths of stuff, 132 00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,521 and apparently there's a guinness world record 133 00:05:23,522 --> 00:05:25,906 for the biggest pillow... or blanket fort. 134 00:05:25,907 --> 00:05:28,075 So you boys... you should go for it. 135 00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:30,668 Put this school on the map. 136 00:05:31,302 --> 00:05:33,107 We'd have a better chance of setting the record 137 00:05:33,107 --> 00:05:35,714 if we made this a blanket fort, you know, take less time. 138 00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:37,168 We wanted to make a pillow fort. 139 00:05:37,169 --> 00:05:39,253 I don't want to sacrifice quality for square footage. 140 00:05:39,254 --> 00:05:41,372 We don't need a world record to tell us we did something cool. 141 00:05:41,373 --> 00:05:42,656 But if we won, we might meet that dude 142 00:05:42,657 --> 00:05:43,674 with the curly fingernails. 143 00:05:43,675 --> 00:05:45,176 Shridhar Chillal? Not interested. 144 00:05:45,177 --> 00:05:49,847 I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious. 145 00:05:49,848 --> 00:05:52,166 - I'm going to go get a drink. - Okay. 146 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,387 - Troy Barnes. - Vice Dean Laybourne. 147 00:05:56,388 --> 00:05:59,940 You have a beard... And a ponytail. 148 00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:01,475 Going through some stuff right now, Troy. 149 00:06:01,476 --> 00:06:03,294 Don't worry about it. [Clears throat] 150 00:06:03,295 --> 00:06:05,062 Any chance you've given a second thought to joining 151 00:06:05,063 --> 00:06:06,280 my air conditioning repair school? 152 00:06:06,281 --> 00:06:07,682 Sorry. 153 00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:10,684 Kind of busy at the moment doing some awesome work with Abed. 154 00:06:10,685 --> 00:06:13,104 Ah, yeah, Abed. 155 00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:15,790 You guys watch that television show together, don't you? 156 00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:17,325 Inspector Spacetime. 157 00:06:17,326 --> 00:06:18,525 Funny, Troy. 158 00:06:18,526 --> 00:06:20,361 You and Abed have always reminded me 159 00:06:20,362 --> 00:06:22,696 of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie. 160 00:06:22,697 --> 00:06:23,964 [Chuckles] Cool! 161 00:06:23,965 --> 00:06:26,167 The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, 162 00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:27,885 and Reggie is... 163 00:06:27,886 --> 00:06:30,371 Well, he's Reggie. 164 00:06:30,372 --> 00:06:32,923 Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts 165 00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:33,974 and has a whistle. 166 00:06:33,975 --> 00:06:35,226 [Whispers] Yeah. 167 00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:37,762 But he never really gets to blow the whistle 168 00:06:37,763 --> 00:06:40,231 unless the inspector says it's okay. 169 00:06:40,232 --> 00:06:43,717 Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd 170 00:06:43,718 --> 00:06:45,403 and his naive, obedient lapdog. 171 00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:46,971 Well, I got a thing. 172 00:06:46,972 --> 00:06:50,274 You take care. 173 00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,726 Well, according to the office, this is the locker 174 00:06:52,727 --> 00:06:56,414 of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009. 175 00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:58,666 Wonder what you did to make her so mad. 176 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,786 Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her. 177 00:07:01,787 --> 00:07:04,672 Annie, that's what you think of me? 178 00:07:04,673 --> 00:07:06,173 I don't make out with forgettable women. 179 00:07:06,174 --> 00:07:07,208 Can I help you? 180 00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,176 We're looking for Kim McFadden. 181 00:07:09,177 --> 00:07:11,545 - This is her locker, right? - Are you serious? 182 00:07:11,546 --> 00:07:14,298 She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago. 183 00:07:14,299 --> 00:07:15,582 I guess I pissed her off somehow. 184 00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:19,103 - I'm hoping to apologize. - That might not be easy. 185 00:07:19,104 --> 00:07:21,422 Kim's no longer with us. 186 00:07:21,423 --> 00:07:24,358 - She died two weeks ago. - What? 187 00:07:24,359 --> 00:07:26,277 Sorry to drop that on you and run, 188 00:07:26,278 --> 00:07:27,945 but there's a rally for Garrett. 189 00:07:27,946 --> 00:07:30,564 But we saved him. 190 00:07:30,565 --> 00:07:34,368 Did we? 191 00:07:37,122 --> 00:07:38,205 What do you recommend? 192 00:07:38,206 --> 00:07:40,207 What's it to you, meat pusher? 193 00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,076 Sounds like you might be a vegetarian. 194 00:07:42,077 --> 00:07:43,661 You should try Subway's Veggie Delite. 195 00:07:43,662 --> 00:07:46,113 You should try reading Orwell's 1984. 196 00:07:46,114 --> 00:07:47,882 I have. It's a great book. 197 00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:49,316 It really awakened me in High School. 198 00:07:49,317 --> 00:07:50,617 I think kids should be forced to read it. 199 00:07:50,618 --> 00:07:53,604 Me too. Anyway, you're living it. 200 00:07:53,605 --> 00:07:56,240 You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass. 201 00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,675 Is this what you dreamt of being? 202 00:07:57,676 --> 00:08:00,978 Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life 203 00:08:00,979 --> 00:08:02,430 or engage in any nonplatonic relations, 204 00:08:02,431 --> 00:08:04,064 practice religion in public, 205 00:08:04,065 --> 00:08:06,467 or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that 206 00:08:06,468 --> 00:08:08,102 found anywhere outside Subway. 207 00:08:08,103 --> 00:08:09,537 Why are you getting all that? 208 00:08:09,538 --> 00:08:11,472 I wanted to stand next to you for a moment. 209 00:08:11,473 --> 00:08:13,974 It was worth it. 210 00:08:13,975 --> 00:08:19,413 Like a good book by Orwell or a Veggie Delite. 211 00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,535 Is that you, Subway? 212 00:08:24,536 --> 00:08:26,337 My eyesight ain't what it used to be. 213 00:08:26,338 --> 00:08:27,988 Eat these tater tots, Harry. 214 00:08:27,989 --> 00:08:30,758 For what it's worth, I think you might see more than all of us. 215 00:08:30,759 --> 00:08:33,827 [Shirley giggling] 216 00:08:33,828 --> 00:08:35,129 Did you see him smiling at you? 217 00:08:35,130 --> 00:08:37,181 Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta. 218 00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:39,617 - Pierce. - Sorry. Whoreswomanship. 219 00:08:39,618 --> 00:08:41,302 [Chuckles] Forgot it was the '90s. 220 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:42,720 Uh-oh. 221 00:08:42,721 --> 00:08:44,722 Anyway... Thank you, Britta. 222 00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:47,107 I knew we could count on you to help us take him down! 223 00:08:47,108 --> 00:08:49,226 Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy 224 00:08:49,227 --> 00:08:51,862 the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes. 225 00:08:51,863 --> 00:08:54,798 [Giggles] Ooh! We did it, Pierce. 226 00:09:06,476 --> 00:09:09,106 [Sighs] 227 00:09:10,912 --> 00:09:12,412 Powerful passage, isn't it? 228 00:09:13,016 --> 00:09:15,512 "She had become a physical necessity." 229 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,192 You circled this paragraph. 230 00:09:18,248 --> 00:09:19,997 I can't say that I did. 231 00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:22,974 I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability 232 00:09:22,974 --> 00:09:26,493 to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems. 233 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:29,951 Who were you, Subway, before you were Subway? 234 00:09:29,991 --> 00:09:31,109 I can't say. 235 00:09:31,502 --> 00:09:32,902 I have to live within the rules. 236 00:09:32,903 --> 00:09:34,921 This identity is my life. 237 00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,706 If I do this for three more years, 238 00:09:36,707 --> 00:09:37,874 I can live a real dream. 239 00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:39,342 Well, at least tell me what that is. 240 00:09:39,343 --> 00:09:42,412 I want to run a nonprofit shelter for handicapped animals. 241 00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:44,414 Dogs with wheels for hind legs. 242 00:09:44,415 --> 00:09:46,438 - Deaf hamsters. - [Whispers] One-eyed cats? 243 00:09:46,596 --> 00:09:49,127 Well, they weren't on the top of my list, but sure. 244 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:50,982 I should go. 245 00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:52,639 This is getting out of bounds for me. 246 00:09:52,943 --> 00:09:54,460 [Whispers] Eat fresh. 247 00:09:54,525 --> 00:09:57,193 [Vocalizing] 248 00:09:57,194 --> 00:09:58,796 You should put the small ones in the middle, 249 00:09:58,796 --> 00:09:59,987 or the wall won't hold the ceiling. 250 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,659 Why do I always have to be your Reggie? 251 00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:03,066 What? 252 00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,267 I wanted to make a blanket fort, 253 00:10:04,268 --> 00:10:06,232 and you never even gave it a second thought. 254 00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:08,321 I'm not even your sidekick. I'm your underkick. 255 00:10:08,372 --> 00:10:10,112 I never said you couldn't do anything. 256 00:10:10,374 --> 00:10:13,189 If you want to make a blanket fort, that's fine with me. 257 00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:14,577 Thank you. 258 00:10:14,578 --> 00:10:17,869 Just don't make it part of my pillow fort. 259 00:10:20,951 --> 00:10:22,836 Fine. 260 00:10:22,837 --> 00:10:24,287 I'll start it somewhere else. 261 00:10:24,288 --> 00:10:28,641 Have fun stacking pillows like a baby. 262 00:10:28,642 --> 00:10:31,594 Jeff, are you okay? 263 00:10:31,595 --> 00:10:33,980 I'm lying on campus furniture, so no. 264 00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:38,401 Is it about this Kim girl? 265 00:10:38,402 --> 00:10:41,704 She is someone who died thinking I was a dick. 266 00:10:41,705 --> 00:10:43,473 I can never apologize. 267 00:10:43,474 --> 00:10:45,241 I can never change her mind. 268 00:10:45,242 --> 00:10:47,777 That makes me a dick forever. 269 00:10:47,778 --> 00:10:50,029 You think that's what an apology is? 270 00:10:50,030 --> 00:10:53,583 A spell you cast on another person to make them forgive you? 271 00:10:53,584 --> 00:10:56,953 Apologies are opportunities to admit your own mistakes. 272 00:10:56,954 --> 00:10:58,505 Apologize to her locker. 273 00:10:58,506 --> 00:11:01,424 But how can I apologize if I don't know what I did wrong? 274 00:11:01,425 --> 00:11:05,378 Well, didn't she call you inconsiderate? 275 00:11:05,379 --> 00:11:09,716 Sounds to me like you know exactly what you did wrong. 276 00:11:09,717 --> 00:11:12,852 - Leonard, what are you doing? - Abed's fort needs pillows. 277 00:11:12,853 --> 00:11:14,437 But I was going to lie there. 278 00:11:14,438 --> 00:11:17,840 I was going to invest in IBM in 1952, 279 00:11:17,841 --> 00:11:20,310 but life is full of disappointments. 280 00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:25,865 Eating fresh, are we? 281 00:11:25,866 --> 00:11:28,351 Have you found any dirt on Subway yet? 282 00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:30,620 No, nothing. I should probably hang out with him more. 283 00:11:30,621 --> 00:11:33,456 You know what I think? I think you're falling for him. 284 00:11:33,457 --> 00:11:35,792 I am not. Who do you think I am? 285 00:11:35,793 --> 00:11:36,993 I lived in New York. 286 00:11:36,994 --> 00:11:39,028 You never lived anywhere. 287 00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:40,814 You're a weapon designed for sex. 288 00:11:40,815 --> 00:11:42,165 You only think you lived in New York 289 00:11:42,166 --> 00:11:43,666 'cause I implanted your memories. 290 00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:46,536 Oh, Pierce, stop it! Look what we're becoming. 291 00:11:46,537 --> 00:11:48,555 I'm sorry we pulled you into this dirty game. 292 00:11:48,556 --> 00:11:49,556 I want you to stop. 293 00:11:49,557 --> 00:11:51,040 Yeah, we're pulling you out... 294 00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:53,593 Right after your last assignment. 295 00:11:53,594 --> 00:11:56,513 This pen is a microphone. 296 00:11:56,514 --> 00:12:01,267 It's also a miniflask. 297 00:12:01,268 --> 00:12:02,902 Did you just drink ink? 298 00:12:02,903 --> 00:12:04,704 Just plant this on Subway, 299 00:12:04,705 --> 00:12:06,356 and you'll never have to see him again. 300 00:12:06,357 --> 00:12:08,491 Until then, keep him interested. 301 00:12:08,492 --> 00:12:12,078 And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips. 302 00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,997 [Scoffs] 303 00:12:13,998 --> 00:12:15,731 [Militaristic music] 304 00:12:15,732 --> 00:12:18,785 Hello, Abed. How's the pillow fort going? 305 00:12:18,786 --> 00:12:21,087 It's hard making something perfect, but it's worth it. 306 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,173 Yeah, I'll remember that when I'm being given a key 307 00:12:23,174 --> 00:12:24,924 to the secret guinness record holders' clubhouse, 308 00:12:24,925 --> 00:12:27,143 where I'll be hanging with those two fat guys on motorcycles 309 00:12:27,144 --> 00:12:29,345 and being fitted for a beard of bees. 310 00:12:29,346 --> 00:12:32,348 Whoo! Well, Troy, I just got off the phone with Guinness, 311 00:12:32,349 --> 00:12:33,883 and they are sending a representative 312 00:12:33,884 --> 00:12:36,686 to have a look-see at your blanket fort. 313 00:12:36,687 --> 00:12:39,722 - Are we world-record ready? - Garrett? 314 00:12:39,723 --> 00:12:42,725 We are still more than 2,000 square feet shy of the record. 315 00:12:42,726 --> 00:12:45,595 Abed's pillow fort is the only thing standing in our way. 316 00:12:45,596 --> 00:12:47,430 Well, what are we going to do here, guys? 317 00:12:47,431 --> 00:12:49,098 Is there a way we can connect them? 318 00:12:49,099 --> 00:12:50,900 You can't connect the blanket fort to the pillow fort 319 00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,068 and still call it a pillow fort. 320 00:12:52,069 --> 00:12:53,152 Even if you could, I'd rather see 321 00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:54,537 my work destroyed than compromise it. 322 00:12:54,538 --> 00:12:57,273 Great, Abed will destroy his pillow fort, 323 00:12:57,274 --> 00:13:00,376 and Troy will expand his blanket fort into the space. 324 00:13:00,377 --> 00:13:01,744 Everyone wins. 325 00:13:01,745 --> 00:13:04,964 Except Abed, but you know, not everyone can win. 326 00:13:04,965 --> 00:13:06,749 Is that what you want, Troy? 327 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,570 For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? 328 00:13:10,571 --> 00:13:13,323 - It is. - Magnitude. 329 00:13:13,324 --> 00:13:16,249 Evacuate fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct. 330 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:19,128 - Sir? - Do it. We're done here. 331 00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:22,965 Pop, pop, Captain. 332 00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:32,859 Oh! [Gasps] Subway. 333 00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:35,161 Britta, I was worried you wouldn't come. 334 00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:39,165 - I can't stop thinking about you. - Shh. 335 00:13:41,452 --> 00:13:43,086 They wanted me to plant a bug on you. 336 00:13:43,087 --> 00:13:44,637 I can't, and I won't. 337 00:13:44,638 --> 00:13:47,957 Our values, our identities... they mean nothing to me now. 338 00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:49,459 Only the primal remains. 339 00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:53,429 To me, you are simply a physical necessity. 340 00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:54,681 - Mmm. - Mmm. 341 00:13:54,682 --> 00:13:57,300 Oh, Subway. 342 00:13:57,301 --> 00:14:00,103 [Moaning] 343 00:14:00,104 --> 00:14:01,971 Subway. 344 00:14:01,972 --> 00:14:04,440 - Oh, Subway. - Mmm. 345 00:14:04,441 --> 00:14:06,776 Oh, Subway. [Gasps] 346 00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:07,777 Oh, no, no. 347 00:14:07,778 --> 00:14:09,106 No, this is wrong, Pierce. 348 00:14:09,106 --> 00:14:10,325 I just wanted to open a sandwich shop. 349 00:14:10,347 --> 00:14:11,531 I did not sign up for this. 350 00:14:11,532 --> 00:14:13,316 You don't want to get your hands dirty, fine. 351 00:14:13,317 --> 00:14:15,034 I will. 352 00:14:15,035 --> 00:14:19,530 Nice knowing you, Subway. If that is your real name. 353 00:14:22,042 --> 00:14:25,044 Ahh. 354 00:14:33,653 --> 00:14:36,794 Kim. It's me, Jeff. 355 00:14:37,401 --> 00:14:39,619 The inconsiderate jerk. 356 00:14:39,683 --> 00:14:41,550 Look, I don't remember hurting you, 357 00:14:41,551 --> 00:14:44,036 and I have to assume that's what hurt you. 358 00:14:44,037 --> 00:14:45,671 God knows what crime you've committed 359 00:14:45,672 --> 00:14:48,023 to deserve me disregarding you entirely. 360 00:14:48,024 --> 00:14:50,810 But whatever your crime, I think we both know 361 00:14:50,811 --> 00:14:53,062 the real crime is mine. 362 00:14:53,063 --> 00:14:55,310 I'm a self-centered, shallow jackass. 363 00:14:56,222 --> 00:15:00,382 And I just want to... thank you for your note 364 00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:03,706 because I'm going to try and change. 365 00:15:03,707 --> 00:15:05,357 I just wish you were here to forgive me. 366 00:15:05,358 --> 00:15:07,035 I am. 367 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,206 And I do. 368 00:15:09,477 --> 00:15:10,582 I'm Kim. 369 00:15:10,714 --> 00:15:11,747 What? 370 00:15:11,748 --> 00:15:13,632 You said Kim was dead. 371 00:15:13,633 --> 00:15:16,252 Because you never remember who I am. 372 00:15:16,253 --> 00:15:18,170 First year, we hung out, like, ten times. 373 00:15:18,171 --> 00:15:20,222 And each time, you introduced yourself to me. 374 00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:21,757 That's why I wrote that note. 375 00:15:21,758 --> 00:15:24,042 And then today, it's like you still don't remember me. 376 00:15:24,043 --> 00:15:26,312 And... and you still assume from my name that I am a girl. 377 00:15:26,313 --> 00:15:28,931 I had no choice but to make up that awesome story 378 00:15:28,932 --> 00:15:31,517 about a dead chick to hurt you like you hurt me. 379 00:15:31,518 --> 00:15:35,654 I am so sorry... 380 00:15:35,655 --> 00:15:37,656 Kim. Right? 381 00:15:37,657 --> 00:15:40,826 Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that? 382 00:15:42,662 --> 00:15:44,697 What the hell is this crap? 383 00:15:44,698 --> 00:15:46,582 Annie, this is Kim. 384 00:15:46,583 --> 00:15:47,917 I think because he had a girl's name, 385 00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:49,251 I never took him seriously. 386 00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,036 It happens literally all the time, 387 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:54,072 which is insane because 16% of all people named Kim are men. 388 00:15:54,073 --> 00:15:56,842 - [Chuckles] I'm sorry, buddy. - Don't apologize to this guy. 389 00:15:56,843 --> 00:15:59,995 - You told me to apologize. - To a dead girl's locker. 390 00:15:59,996 --> 00:16:03,549 I thought I was representing the sisterhood. 391 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:04,750 Thought I was teaching you a lesson 392 00:16:04,751 --> 00:16:06,886 about all the girls you dominate 393 00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:08,270 and then ignore. 394 00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:11,640 Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, 395 00:16:11,641 --> 00:16:14,426 hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name. 396 00:16:14,427 --> 00:16:16,445 Hey! You are really mean. 397 00:16:16,446 --> 00:16:18,894 Put it in a letter, Jane Austen. 398 00:16:20,951 --> 00:16:24,937 Prepare to initiate Protocol Omega. 399 00:16:24,938 --> 00:16:28,073 Good-bye, pillow fort. You were a beautiful dream. 400 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:31,443 More than a dream. It's here. 401 00:16:31,444 --> 00:16:32,611 Who are you? 402 00:16:32,612 --> 00:16:34,163 Someone who understands dedication 403 00:16:34,164 --> 00:16:37,115 to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. 404 00:16:37,116 --> 00:16:39,802 This world is run by the unremarkables. 405 00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:42,121 Don't do what you always do, Abed. 406 00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:45,123 Don't corrupt the host to pacify the parasites. 407 00:16:45,124 --> 00:16:46,208 Ask yourself... 408 00:16:46,209 --> 00:16:49,778 "What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?" 409 00:16:49,779 --> 00:16:53,315 What if it fell to the Reggies of the world 410 00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:57,419 to keep up with the inspectors or perish? 411 00:16:57,420 --> 00:17:01,540 Now please turn your head while I crawl away. 412 00:17:01,541 --> 00:17:05,110 I'm going through some stuff right now. 413 00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,880 I'm very insecure. 414 00:17:09,649 --> 00:17:10,816 What's going on? 415 00:17:10,817 --> 00:17:12,735 I'll ask the questions here. 416 00:17:12,736 --> 00:17:15,621 You had sex with Subway, and I recorded it. 417 00:17:15,622 --> 00:17:17,823 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 418 00:17:17,824 --> 00:17:20,459 - Mm-hmm. - Hmm. 419 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:22,011 You know what, I'm going to let this one slide. 420 00:17:22,012 --> 00:17:23,012 - What? - What? 421 00:17:23,013 --> 00:17:24,013 I know we have very strict rules 422 00:17:24,014 --> 00:17:25,514 against romantic entanglements 423 00:17:25,515 --> 00:17:28,684 with our corpohumanoids, but at this point in time, 424 00:17:28,685 --> 00:17:31,020 we can't stop them from having hearts. 425 00:17:31,021 --> 00:17:33,439 These two are clearly in love. 426 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,107 If they want to express that love 427 00:17:35,108 --> 00:17:39,061 in a perfectly healthy way, then... okay, hold on. 428 00:17:39,062 --> 00:17:41,297 Th... is this what I think it is? 429 00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:44,967 That got unhealthy real quick. 430 00:17:44,968 --> 00:17:47,169 That... okay, that's... yeah, that's weird. 431 00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:49,371 That is well out of the mainstream. 432 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,656 You know, I was raised in the... 433 00:17:50,657 --> 00:17:53,358 the Bay Area, but I... I'm a father now. 434 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,193 [Clears throat] 435 00:17:55,194 --> 00:17:58,330 Subway cannot stand for that, and frankly, Rick, 436 00:17:58,331 --> 00:18:00,866 - I-I'm surprised you did. - My name is Subway. 437 00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:02,534 Not anymore. 438 00:18:02,535 --> 00:18:04,503 - The bread is stale. - No! No! 439 00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:07,006 - Oh, my God. - Subway, I love you! 440 00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:08,173 - Britta! - Shut up. 441 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:09,675 [Whispers] How could you? 442 00:18:09,676 --> 00:18:13,596 Well, if that'll be all, I'll be on my way. 443 00:18:13,597 --> 00:18:16,815 If someone could hand me my jacket. 444 00:18:16,816 --> 00:18:19,234 It's right over there on the coatrack next to the door. 445 00:18:19,235 --> 00:18:22,204 If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great. 446 00:18:25,442 --> 00:18:26,892 I guess I'm confused. 447 00:18:26,893 --> 00:18:28,560 Why don't you just grab it on your way out the door... 448 00:18:28,561 --> 00:18:30,446 You know what? Now I'm not leaving. 449 00:18:30,447 --> 00:18:32,531 Now I'm just going to sit for a while 450 00:18:32,532 --> 00:18:36,251 and focus on how unacceptable today was. 451 00:18:36,252 --> 00:18:38,754 Jeff. 452 00:18:38,755 --> 00:18:40,956 I wanted to apologize. 453 00:18:40,957 --> 00:18:44,743 I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, 454 00:18:44,744 --> 00:18:47,680 and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim. 455 00:18:47,681 --> 00:18:49,264 Mm. 456 00:18:49,265 --> 00:18:51,917 Who's Kim? 457 00:18:51,918 --> 00:18:54,803 Corporate America has destroyed love. 458 00:18:54,804 --> 00:18:58,107 - Again? - Subway! 459 00:18:58,108 --> 00:19:01,259 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. 460 00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:04,096 Britta, you silly. It is me, Subway. 461 00:19:04,097 --> 00:19:05,564 What? 462 00:19:05,565 --> 00:19:07,783 I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, 463 00:19:07,784 --> 00:19:10,369 the one exception being the deviant sex act 464 00:19:10,370 --> 00:19:13,317 you initiated without my consent. 465 00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:18,110 Eat fresh. 466 00:19:18,111 --> 00:19:19,111 Aah! 467 00:19:19,112 --> 00:19:20,445 - Whoa! - Oh, jeez. 468 00:19:20,446 --> 00:19:22,781 There is a situation developing in the study room. 469 00:19:22,782 --> 00:19:24,667 I would elaborate, but I am out of breath 470 00:19:24,668 --> 00:19:26,468 because I walked here very briskly. 471 00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:27,720 [Panting] 472 00:19:27,721 --> 00:19:29,454 [Overlapping shouting] 473 00:19:29,455 --> 00:19:31,590 Calm down! 474 00:19:31,591 --> 00:19:35,427 Calm! Down! 475 00:19:35,428 --> 00:19:38,130 - What's going on here? - Abed won't tear down his fort. 476 00:19:38,131 --> 00:19:39,965 I shouldn't have to compromise my craftsmanship 477 00:19:39,966 --> 00:19:41,900 - to placate mediocrity. - Mediocrity? 478 00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:43,902 Okay, b... boys, boys. 479 00:19:43,903 --> 00:19:46,238 The Guinness rep will be here in two days. 480 00:19:46,239 --> 00:19:49,474 Can we just flip a coin to decide who has to back down? 481 00:19:49,475 --> 00:19:50,776 - No. - No. 482 00:19:50,777 --> 00:19:53,311 Well, I'm Dean, so I'm making the call. 483 00:19:53,312 --> 00:19:55,664 [Dramatic music] 484 00:19:55,665 --> 00:19:57,583 The pillow fort comes down. 485 00:19:57,584 --> 00:19:59,918 - All right, you stay back. - Watch it, Star-Burns. 486 00:19:59,919 --> 00:20:01,920 My name is Alex! 487 00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:03,956 [Screams] 488 00:20:07,927 --> 00:20:09,995 This is war! [Overlapping shouting] 489 00:20:09,996 --> 00:20:12,998 [Exciting music] 490 00:20:12,999 --> 00:20:14,599 ♪ ♪ 491 00:20:17,971 --> 00:20:20,472 [Dramatic music] 492 00:20:20,473 --> 00:20:22,474 [Gunshot] 493 00:20:22,475 --> 00:20:24,359 [Horse neighs] 494 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,278 [Militaristic music] 495 00:20:26,279 --> 00:20:27,846 - Back, back. - Back. 496 00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:30,482 - Go. - Back, back, back in the fort. 497 00:20:30,483 --> 00:20:32,517 [Dramatic music] 498 00:20:32,518 --> 00:20:35,504 To be continued. 499 00:20:43,608 --> 00:20:45,743 Sir, it appears that Troy Barnes' blanket fort 500 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:48,095 may go to war with Abed Nadir's pillow fort. 501 00:20:48,096 --> 00:20:49,247 Of course. 502 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,832 Soon Troy and Abed will be torn asunder, 503 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:55,636 and an unencumbered Troy will turn to his destiny... 504 00:20:55,637 --> 00:20:58,005 The air conditioning repair school. 505 00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:00,096 You are a cold-blooded man, sir. 506 00:21:00,148 --> 00:21:01,426 Yes. 507 00:21:01,842 --> 00:21:05,156 How unfortunate for Troy and Abed. 508 00:21:08,118 --> 00:21:10,092 See you in band practice.