- Hi. - Hi.
I've very exciting news.
What?
I just lined up a very special guest for next Friday's show.
Someone we both love.
Someone who is your personal hero.
Sex machine James Brown!
An alive personal hero.
- No! - Yes.
- Stevie Nicks? - Stevie Nicks.
- [Wails] - Ohh, my God!
- [Both shouting] - Oh, my God!
- My Goooood! - Aaaah!
You're my hero!
Ha ha!
Uhh! Both: Aaah!
- Aah! - Julian!
I thought this was a hug party.
How does he keep getting in here?
I posted his photo at reception.
I brought you something, Ava.
Julian, we don't have time for...
[Rustling]
[Gasps]
It's a baby dog.
And a doggy baby.
- Puppy. - Puppy, mm, yes.
Oh, he's so adorable.
Is he a rescue dog?
I don't know what he can do.
I was googling you,
looking for inspirational quotes
or nipple slips, that sort of thing.
And I came across this picture of you as a child,
and you had a dog like this.
Oh, Julian, this is so sweet,
but I don't have time to take care of a dog.
Of course not. We'll take care of him together.
You and me. I've already named him.
Avian.
A combo of both our names.
Obviously this is a very manipulative attempt
to spend more time with her.
Isn't that right, "ah-va." Ava.
He looks like the lining of my Italian driving slippers.
Oh, to be that dog's beak.
- Mm. - Oh, my God.
How do I already smell like you?
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com
Oh, man you were on fire out there.
Yeah. Ah, it's a team effort.
Yeah.
I mean, did I score three goals? Yes.
Did we win three-nothing? Affirmative.
Think we got a shot at winning the old-timers league this year.
"Old-timers." Why do they call it...
All that means is that we're over 30.
By that logic, Britney Spears, if she played hockey,
would be in our league.
Yeah, and she's no old-timer.
She's a good-timer.
[All laugh]
I'm impressed.
Who's Britney Spears?
Oh, come on, Todd. You're killin' me, man!
Oh, look out, it's the young'uns from the beer league.
Don't worry, boys.
We left some ice out there for you.
We were watching you light it up out there, dude.
- You still go it. - Ah, it's a team thing.
Team's still got it, right?
Well, we're losing our right winger.
I don't know if you're free, but...
You kidding me? Yeah, I'm in, bro.
Yeah. One of the young guns.
I mean, I knew I still had it,
but for the young kids to recognize me...
It's hugely gratifying.
Honey, can you even keep up with these guys?
You're not exactly 25 anymore.
Not exactly, but, I mean, it's right behind me.
You pulled a muscle taking off your shirt last night.
It was a brand-new fitted tee.
I didn't want to stretch out the...
Look, the point is, I'm gonna play.
Will you be careful, please?
I mean, you're used to playing with the old-timers, you know?
We're not old!
Chelsea Clinton would be playing with us.
Chelsea, little...
- Okay. - [Sighs]
So... man.
Look at her hauling ass.
- Wow. - Oh, I know...
She's gonna be walking on her own any day.
Chris, is she wearing slippy socks?
I told you a million times, if she's on the Walker,
she has to be barefoot or on grippy socks.
Grippy, not slippy.
Baby, she's gonna be fine.
Don't overreact.
I am not overreacting.
Do I need to remind you of the incident at kiddie funtown?
- What? - And before you say,
"what incident at kiddie funtown,"
let me remind you,
the camera was rolling.
Come on, babe, just let her go down herself.
Yeah! Whoo hoo!
Super baby, super baby...
Hey! Don't you have a wife and kids to get home to?
Seriously, dude?
Are you seriously gonna mess with me right now?
Come on, babe. He's only six.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you cry. [Child crying]
- All right, out of the pit. - Oh.
I apologize for nothing.
Okay? That's how I roll.
- I am the mama bear. - Okay.
I am the Caroline Manzo
The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
[Jersey accent] All right, my family,
we're thick as thieves.
A'ight? We're blood.
Ya mess with me, ya get the claws.
All right.
[Dog whimpering]
It's okay. I'm just upstairs.
So you just go to sleep now.
[Whispering] Sleep.
[Dog whimpering]
Come on, little dude.
[Dog whimpering]
Great job.
[Whispering] It's time to go to sleep.
[Snoring]
[Dog whimpering]
I know I'm late.
You take him. It's his fault I look like this.
See this knot in my hair?
I'm gonna have to cut it out.
He was pawing at me all night.
He was looking for a teat.
Listen, uh, Stevie Nicks wants to meet with us
before she does the show,
and I am going to pitch to her
that the two of you do a song together.
What do you think about that?
How amazing would that be, right?
You two singing together.
And then... I don't know, like...
You guys, like, pull me up on stage,
and then we all sing together and stuff.
Like, it's ridiculous, I know.
I mean, why would I be up there?
I'm... I'm just the producer of the show.
But it would just be so amazing.
It would be so amazing. But that's silly, right?
That's so silly. [Laughs]
It's not silly to have a dream.
I make cat pillows for cats, with cats on them.
- Okay. - Ooh!
Is this a "ladies I'd like to do it with" convention? Uhh.
Julian... Take the dog, please.
Of course. This is how it will be.
Us passing the dog off to one another every few days,
our hands touching in the exchange, tantalizingly.
Oh, God, don't make my arm your sex prop.
No... I mean take him forever.
I can't have a dog.
Not even part-time.
I don't want the responsibility.
Okay... I'll take care of it.
Good-bye, my little friend.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, God, again,
I smell like the break room at Armani exchange.
Good to have you aboard, man.
Good to be aboard, dude.
Oh, look.
Hunter's new lady showed up to him on.
Somebody's getting a little chaka-chaka tonight.
Wow. Yeah.
I'm gonna get me some chaka tonight, too, bro.
Some wife chaka.
It's like the best chaka...
Come on, ref!
All right.
Bring it!
[Breathing rhythmically]
I did the right thing with Avian, right?
I'm not a dog person. He is much better off.
God, he did the funniest thing last night.
[Laughing] He was having this dream.
He was really running or something.
I don't know what dogs dream about.
Anyway, he was... He was doing this thing,
you know, with his paws, he was going...
[Imitates growling and whimpering]
It was really cute.
I mean, not as cute as I just did it, but...
It was cute.
What do you think Julian meant
when he said, "I'll take care of it"?
Oh, I'm sure he just meant he'd return the dog
to the place he bought it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Or he's gonna have the dog put down.
Yeah, it's inflamed, but it won't go away this time.
[Music playing] Yeah, I tried, I put it on.
It didn't... okay, mama, I'll call you back.
Ava!
What a sexy surprise! Hey...
Julian, where's Avian?
Here. Look, he's really getting down.
Oh, my God.
I'm paying Dani and Tandalaya
to take care of the dog for me and love it.
You can't pay people to love.
You don't know how I met Dani and Tandalaya.
Come on, Avian.
You're coming home with mama.
Let's go.
Ava, you seem a little, meh, not so happy.
Is that me leaving my dermatologist's office?
Oh, yeah, that's a good one, eh?
I like this picture, ah?
Uck!
Come on, come on, come on, yeah.
[Groaning]
[Whispering] I'm sore.
Hey, Chris.
Yeah?
Once second, babe.
Hey, honey.
Ha, it's ha...
Whassuuup?
How was hockey with the kids today?
You all right?
[Forced laugh]
Oh, it was so good.
Super energized.
Oh, you look energized.
I was kind of worried about you being out there
with those boys, but...
You're lookin' pumped up.
It looks... I'm kind of diggin' it right now.
- Oh, yeah? - You okay?
Yeah, are you kiddin'? I'm always up for a little...
Chaka-chaka with my lady.
Just, I.E., lovemaking.
Why do you smell like a drugstore, babe?
Yes, it's my new aftershave.
It's, uh...
You know, just going...
Kind of mixing it up a little bit.
You smell like a...
Eastern European disco?
- Do I? - Oh, yes.
- Oh... - Oh, fuuun!
- Aah! - Oh, here we go.
- Ohh. - [Groaning] Ohh.
All righty.
Stay close by, okay?
Let's get you dressed.
Aim?
[Baby babbling]
Sweet little ladybug.
[Chuckles] Where are you?
Honey? Amy?
Where...
Oh, my God.
Amy, did you open the door?
Amy?
Amy? Amy Marie Brinkley,
this is not funny!
This is not a good time to play hide and go... seek.
- Amy? - What's goin' on?
I can't find the baby.
Calm down, sweetie. She's gotta be here.
- The door was open! - The door was open?!
She could be anywhere by now!
I know, I know! I think she might be in town!
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Babe, what's going on?
We can't find the baby!
- We think she's in town! - She's definitely in town!
[Both whimpering]
You guys talking about this baby right here?
Wha... what?
[Whispering] I was not overreacting.
Okay.
Come here, pup.
You know, you love them so much,
and then your love just turns to worry.
I know, today... I thought Amy got out of the house.
I was shrieking like a son of a bitch.
[Gasps] Language.
[Whispering] He is a son of that.
[Whispering] Sorry.
The vet says his tummy's fine,
but I don't know, I just...
My mommy instincts tell me they're missing something.
Well...
Gonna take him to get a second opinion.
You can never be too safe.
[Jersey accent] We're mama bears.
- It's family. - [Jersey accent] Yeah.
You mess with my family, you mess with me.
Uhh!
Ohh, come on, you guys.
No, you don't want anymore?
Okay, that's fine, you don't have...
- Hey, babe. - Hey.
Hey, honey, what do you think of this outfit
for my meeting with Stevie Nicks?
You know how she's really into scarves and everything?
That's good, right?
I think it's good.
- [Sighs] - There you go.
Well, I see that you've made
walking around the house harder.
That's... that's cool.
Yeah, I actually put up baby gates.
I put up doorknob locks.
I put up toilet locks. You know why?
Because we are on lockdown now, lady.
No more running amok.
Oh, sweetie, can you get me a washcloth
from the laundry room, please, for her face?
A clean one, please?
Sure.
[Grunting softly]
- [Baby cooing] - You okay?
Yeah! No, no, I'm just...
Just chillin'... Like Bob Dylan.
Some wa-wa?
[Amy babbling]
Yes.
[Babbling continues]
[Groans softly]
- [Thud] - What? Honey!
What about ibs?
Is there a doggie version of ibs?
Yes, I suppose, but...
Because I serve on a board with Camille Grammer
where we wage war on this disease.
And she and Avian seem to have many of the same symptoms.
You know, a factor in Avian's digestive issues
could be emotional, perhaps stemming from anxiety.
Anxiety? From what?
Well, sometimes pet owners can transfer their own neuro...
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Mommy's not gonna let anything happen to you.
Seize your animal, madam!
This place is awful.
[Gasps] Go, go, go, go.
- Is it gone? - Yeah.
I told you, it's not from the hockey.
I just tripped over that gate, babe.
You know what? We gotta get real here, Chris.
Now, I'm not saying you're old,
I'm just saying that this here
is not really the posture of a young man.
Our bodies can't do what they used to be able to do.
Yours can't play hockey with 22-year-olds.
Mine can't laugh really hard without peeing a little bit.
That's still happening?
This is a new phase of your life, honey.
It's a good thing.
I don't want to move on.
I just want to stay... Young.
Inside this gnarled, Yoda body is a...
Just a Peter Pan, you know?
Honey, think about it.
You're peaking as a person right now.
You're wiser. Usually.
Not right now, but usually.
And... you're actually getting better looking.
Which I sort of hate.
Don't deny your new phase.
Embrace it, honey. It's gonna be great.
I promise you.
And here...
Leftover pain meds from my c-section.
Merry Christmas.
- Wow. - Now, I'm gonna be late.
Are you okay to watch Amy?
Yeah, I'm on it.
- But you can't move. - Not an inch.
All right. I'll take her.
All right.
All right, little lady.
You are going to work with mama.
You know what? You're right, babe.
This is a very good wake-up call.
It's a new phase of Chris. Day one. Starts here.
[Cell phone playing tune]
[Groaning softly]
Ohh. Yeah?
It's Tim. We locked into a game,
and we need your killer slap shot.
- I'll be there, bro. - Ah, great.
[Cell phone rings]
Yeah, Missy, what's up?
So Ms. Nicks is getting a little freaked out,
or, as you always say, Reagan, "Ava-y."
- On the call, Missy. - Ohh.
She wants you guys to meet at her recording studios.
- She what? - A.S.A.P.
- Now? - A.S.A.P.
- So, we are thrilled. - This is...
- Both: Thrilling. - I mean, big.
- Huge. - Yeah.
Both: Huge fans.
And I apologize for bringing our little ones.
The babies are beautiful.
I'm glad they're here.
- You are? - So, anyway,
Ms. Nicks, we, um,
we are really hoping that you and Ava
- would do a duet. - Mm-hmm.
And then you guys could bring me up onstage
[laughing] Or something.
And I could, like,
sing with you. I'd be so...
Wouldn't that be crazy? Like, if I just got up there...
- [Dog whimpering] - Avian, stop.
[Dog yaps] I'm so sorry, Ms. Nicks.
Amy, honey, honey... Be good for mama, okay?
- Avian, stop. - This is so unprofessional.
He just doesn't understand.
Shh.
[Both quiet down]
- [Exhales] - Wow.
The babies aren't happy.
I think we should put this on hold.
[Wind and "magical" sound effect]
- Oh, we screwed that one up. - We blew that.
- We screwed the pooch. - Bad.
All right, girl.
- Hey! - Hey.
I just completely blew it with Stevie Nicks.
- The recording star? - I had to bring Amy,
'cause Chris's back went out.
Oh, I just saw Chris leave with all of his hockey stuff.
Yeah, the stick, pads, a duffel full of gear.
That... he made me look like a buffoon,
and in front of a rock goddess,
so he could play hockey.
She wrote landslide, man!
This whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Oh, no, no, no... this stinks to high holy hell.
Oh, honey, you gotta take care of business.
I'm taking care of business right now.
[Car door slams, engine starts]
- You go, girl! - Okay.
Do you hear that?
I think it's a little doggy heart murmur.
Oh, Julian, I don't want to lose him.
Don't worry, Ava.
Dogs live for 50 or 60 years.
Avian and I... We're just not working.
All my worrying is giving him ibs,
and his ibs is giving me ibs.
It's like a loop.
A poop loop.
I think I'm going to have to let him go.
[Crying] Because I love him too much.
I'm so sorry, Ava.
I brought this sadness on you.
What?
You're not going to hit on me?
It hardly seems the time.
Now I know this is bad.
For the first time, you're not being gross to me.
Oh, no, no. Ava, I can do it.
Here, uh, surrender to me your womanly treasure.
That's very sweet, Julian, but it's too late.
There is no too late.
Except for my club "too late" in Mykonos,
which opens so late, it's morning.
I can fix you, Ava. Come with me.
Nooooo!
[Banging on glass]
What?
Unbelievable!
Well, sorry that I want to come out here
and be a man every once in a while.
Jeez, guys. Enjoy your freedom.
'Cause this is what's speedin' towards you.
Game called on account of marriage.
- It's like, hey. - Look, I'm sorry I did that.
- But... - Thank you so much, babe.
What?
Those guys are so fast,
and they don't feel any fear.
Oh, God.
Wait, what's that? Guys, get this.
She read somewhere where some dude got hurt playing hockey
and couldn't have sex anymore.
It totally freaked her out.
Don't worry, you're gonna get some, honey.
In the parking lot?! All right.
- Ease up, mister. - I just gotta sell it.
- I'm so sorry that I had to do... - Oh, my goodness.
All right, little one.
Just... just be careful.
Hey, babe, 'member what you told me
about embracing the new phase of my life?
- Mm-hmm. - The whole thing about
how I'm getting better and wiser and...
I'm peaking sexually, and I'm...
- Oh, I didn't say that. - Your words.
I think maybe you need to let Amy
move into the new phase in her life.
I know, it's different, and it's challenging,
and it's a little scary, but...
You know what?
It's also pretty amazing.
Yeah.
♪ Take me ♪
♪ if you need me ♪
♪ but never ♪
♪ hold me down ♪
♪ you're asking me ♪
♪ to trust you ♪
♪ well, there's little of that around ♪
♪ ♪
♪ two-part personality ♪
♪ the flower and the vine ♪
♪ flower ♪
♪ and the vine ♪
♪ take me ♪
♪ sleeping angel ♪
♪ catch me ♪
♪ when you can ♪
♪ these love affairs are happy spells ♪
♪ for a woman and a man ♪
Chris...
[Laughing] Chris.
Amy, look up. Uh!
No, it's okay. Just let her go.
Let her go.
[Gasps]
Ohh. [Laughing]
♪ ♪
Well, this is where it feels really good
to be an old-timer.
Ohh.
Both: Mwah.
Oh, my... Amy's gone.
- She's gone. - Amy, Amy...
I am so glad you decided to do the show.
Thank you for letting me sing with you.
Oh, thank you so much. It was my pleasure.
- You were great. - You were great.
♪ Sweet love ♪
Both: ♪ showin' us a heavenly light ♪
♪ I never seen such a beautiful sight ♪
[Fading] ♪ sweet love flowin' on us... ♪
♪ just like the white wing dove ♪
♪ sings a song, sounds like she's singin' ♪
[Guitar building] ♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ just like the white wing dove ♪
Both: ♪ sings a song, sounds like she's singin' ♪
♪ ooh, baby, ooh ♪
♪ said, ooh ♪
♪ and the days go by ♪
♪ like a strand in the wind ♪
♪ and the web that is my own ♪
♪ I begin again ♪
♪ said to my friend, baby ♪
♪ you know, nothin' else matters ♪
Reagan.
- Reagan? - ♪ ooh, ooh ♪
- Reagan! - Huh?
Hey... ahem, Missy.
I'm glad you're here.
Uh, just give me one...
I'm just doing an acoustics test for the sound guys.
Just like to spring it on them every once in a while.
Okay, here we go. 1, 2. 1,2,3.
White wing dove. White wing dove. ♪ ooh ♪ Still popping. Still popping.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
All right, that sounds good boys. Good work.