1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,405
I'm in Glasgow with
John Hannah and Greg McHugh,
music from The Vaccines,

2
00:00:05,425 --> 00:00:08,597
and I'll be going undercover
as hard man Matty Myers.

3
00:00:18,804 --> 00:00:26,237
<font color="#3399CC">Subtitles by </font><font color="ffffff">MemoryOnSmells</font>
<font color="#3399CC">http://UKsubtitles.ru</font>

4
00:00:40,099 --> 00:00:42,939
Hello and welcome to
Hit The Road Jack!

5
00:00:44,659 --> 00:00:47,859
Each week, a different
region of Britain

6
00:00:47,859 --> 00:00:50,219
becomes the star of the show.
And this week it's Glasgow.

7
00:00:52,859 --> 00:00:56,458
Let me start by saying
what a pleasure it is
to be here in Glasgow.

8
00:00:56,459 --> 00:00:58,098
Glasgow is an amazing city.

9
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,819
I've been round all of Glasgow,
been to different areas.

10
00:01:00,819 --> 00:01:03,099
We filmed all over the place.
I went to Easterhouse.

11
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:05,738
Is there anyone in from Easterhouse?

12
00:01:05,739 --> 00:01:08,018
Wow. Easterhouse is incredible!

13
00:01:08,019 --> 00:01:11,218
That is the only place I've ever
been where you see toddlers

14
00:01:11,219 --> 00:01:16,458
walking around with muzzles on
so they don't rip off
Rottweilers' faces. Scary.

15
00:01:16,459 --> 00:01:19,298
This is the thing, people think
of Glasgow as being quite tough.

16
00:01:19,299 --> 00:01:22,498
I think that is great, because
you know exactly where you stand.

17
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:25,138
And that should be celebrated.
At the beginning of the week,

18
00:01:25,139 --> 00:01:28,859
I arrived in Glasgow,
and I decided what I needed
to start off my week in Glasgow

19
00:01:28,859 --> 00:01:30,739
was to go get myself
a big breakfast.

20
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:33,138
That's what I needed,
some food inside me.

21
00:01:33,139 --> 00:01:35,218
So I set off into
the middle of Glasgow

22
00:01:35,219 --> 00:01:39,858
to find a traditional greasy
spoon Scottish cafe, and I find
the perfect one.

23
00:01:39,859 --> 00:01:43,138
I walk in, there's a waiter
who's really dour-faced,

24
00:01:43,139 --> 00:01:46,938
staring at me, wishing I was dead
with every fibre of his being.

25
00:01:46,939 --> 00:01:50,019
I sat down
and I ordered myself a big,

26
00:01:50,019 --> 00:01:52,859
big bowl of bulgur muesli
with all the fruits.

27
00:01:54,859 --> 00:01:59,858
I took out my laptop and started
typing away, a bit of work on the
show, and then made the fatal error

28
00:01:59,859 --> 00:02:01,378
of asking my newfound friend,

29
00:02:01,379 --> 00:02:04,818
the waiter in the cafe,
whether he had any Wi-Fi access,

30
00:02:04,819 --> 00:02:06,859
to which looked at me as if to say,

31
00:02:06,859 --> 00:02:09,899
"I haven't even got access
to my fucking kids!"

32
00:02:14,019 --> 00:02:19,578
So at this point, I wasn't
being particularly well-loved,

33
00:02:19,579 --> 00:02:23,738
but then, thank God, the best
thing that could possibly happen
in this situation occurred,

34
00:02:23,739 --> 00:02:27,738
a godsend, ladies and gentlemen,
an American couple walked in.

35
00:02:27,739 --> 00:02:31,578
All of a sudden I was no longer
public enemy number one.

36
00:02:31,579 --> 00:02:35,218
They came in, "Hey Marty,
come in here! They're definitely
going to have waffles!"

37
00:02:35,219 --> 00:02:37,818
As soon as they've come
into the cafe, the waiter,

38
00:02:37,819 --> 00:02:42,138
he's clocked them coming in,
he's having like a xenophobic stroke
in the corner.

39
00:02:42,139 --> 00:02:45,059
"Yankee doodle fucking bitch,
coming into my fucking cafe,

40
00:02:45,059 --> 00:02:46,819
"I'll take a shit in her omelette!"

41
00:02:46,820 --> 00:02:50,499
And she's there, eating away really
loudly, slurping on her coffee.

44
00:02:54,579 --> 00:02:58,738
And I thought, oh my God,
this shit could get messy.
Duck for cover, duck for cover.

45
00:02:58,739 --> 00:03:02,098
She goes "Sir, sir, sir.
I finished my coffee,

46
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,858
"I will now have
my free refill of coffee."

47
00:03:04,859 --> 00:03:06,298
Oh, dear.

48
00:03:06,299 --> 00:03:08,938
He did not like that.

49
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:11,858
He looked at her like
she'd just ordered dead-baby soup

50
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,858
or something without batter.
It was awful.

51
00:03:14,859 --> 00:03:19,739
And he couldn't even formulate
a response. He tried to speak but
no sentence came out of his mouth.

52
00:03:19,739 --> 00:03:21,859
After like a minute
of just aching and squealing,

53
00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:25,738
eventually he managed to
shit out just a "NOOOOOOOO!"

54
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,378
She, cool as a cucumber,
goes "Sir, sir,

55
00:03:28,379 --> 00:03:33,098
"I'm going to give you
a little reality check here, OK,
a little reality check.

56
00:03:33,099 --> 00:03:37,378
"In America, if you order a coffee,
we give you a free refill."

57
00:03:37,379 --> 00:03:41,299
In front of everyone in the cafe,
he looked her dead in the eyes

58
00:03:41,299 --> 00:03:45,019
and goes, "Love, in Glasgow,
we don't give a fuck."

59
00:03:46,499 --> 00:03:50,658
Oh, people were cheering,
applauding, giving him high fives.

60
00:03:50,659 --> 00:03:54,419
There was a guy in a wheelchair
in the corner that stood up
to shout "Freedom!"

61
00:03:54,419 --> 00:03:57,499
And she got kicked
out of the fucking cafe.

62
00:03:58,699 --> 00:04:02,778
So most people think of Glasgow as
being pretty much the hardest place

63
00:04:02,779 --> 00:04:07,578
in the country, but I wanted
to test just how important it was
to keep up the hard man persona.

64
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:11,578
So I set up a fake show called
Britain's Hardest Bastards

65
00:04:11,579 --> 00:04:15,018
and invited some hard Glaswegians
to take part.

66
00:04:15,019 --> 00:04:18,698
I say me, I really mean Matty Myers,
a character that, of course,

67
00:04:18,699 --> 00:04:22,378
bears absolutely no resemblance
to anyone else living or dead.

68
00:04:22,379 --> 00:04:24,939
And Matty Myers may not be real,

69
00:04:24,939 --> 00:04:28,219
but each of these hard men
is a genuine hard man.

70
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,578
I'm Matty Myers and I'm in Glasgow

71
00:04:33,579 --> 00:04:35,939
to talk to some of
its naughtiest men

72
00:04:35,939 --> 00:04:39,299
to find out just how hard they are.
Love it!

73
00:04:45,579 --> 00:04:47,778
I'm one of Glasgow's hard men.

74
00:04:47,779 --> 00:04:49,738
I'm afraid of fucking nothing.

75
00:04:49,739 --> 00:04:53,418
Andrew Hillhouse. His nickname
on the street was "The Devil".

76
00:04:53,419 --> 00:04:56,978
And let me tell you, the devil
definitely don't wear Prada.

77
00:04:56,979 --> 00:04:59,858
He might, though, I don't know,
haven't met him yet.

78
00:04:59,859 --> 00:05:03,738
Right, you're telling me
you're a pretty naughty individual.

79
00:05:03,739 --> 00:05:06,618
I'm going to show you a couple
of images, I want to know what,

80
00:05:06,619 --> 00:05:09,779
as a hard man, they make
you feel. Happy families?

81
00:05:09,779 --> 00:05:10,979
Not interested.

82
00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:16,058
Look at her, Grandma,
she's laughing like a fucking tit.

83
00:05:16,059 --> 00:05:18,419
Here's my niece, a little painting.

84
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,699
Is that going up on the fridge
or do I shit on it?

85
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:22,658
Shit on it, it could be better.

86
00:05:22,659 --> 00:05:25,098
Do you miss her?

87
00:05:25,099 --> 00:05:27,378
Naw, fuck.

88
00:05:27,379 --> 00:05:31,418
Correct answer. 'Bert Walker, a six
foot eight doorman from Glasgow.

89
00:05:31,419 --> 00:05:34,218
'It's enough to make
your bottom flap.'

90
00:05:34,219 --> 00:05:36,218
Here's me fucking puppy.

91
00:05:36,219 --> 00:05:38,419
Bothered?

92
00:05:38,419 --> 00:05:40,097
Better than a chicken curry, innit?

93
00:05:40,098 --> 00:05:41,257
Better than a chicken curry?

94
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:42,297
I don't give a fuck about it.

95
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,259
How would you cook it?

96
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,299
Take the fur aff it, season it,
cook it in the oven.

97
00:05:46,299 --> 00:05:47,297
What would you serve it with?

98
00:05:47,298 --> 00:05:48,497
Parsnips, gravy.

99
00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:49,577
Proper fucking meal.

100
00:05:49,578 --> 00:05:50,859
Don't give a fuck about it.

101
00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:54,259
What do you do if this dog, right,
tries to get into your club?

102
00:05:54,259 --> 00:05:55,379
Tell it to get tae fuck.

103
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,099
What if it's well trained?

104
00:05:58,099 --> 00:06:00,579
What are you fucking
looking at, mate?

105
00:06:01,739 --> 00:06:06,018
Donny Miller, professional cage
fighter known as "The Terrorist".

106
00:06:06,019 --> 00:06:08,938
One man's terrorist is
another man's freedom fighter.

107
00:06:08,939 --> 00:06:12,938
Look at Nelson Mandela,
he's a shifty little twat.

108
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,858
Flex up, mate,
show me what you've got.

109
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:20,218
Skinny the now, weight. It's usually
bigger. Yeah, it's bigger.

110
00:06:20,219 --> 00:06:22,218
Can we make you look
just a little bit harder?

111
00:06:22,219 --> 00:06:24,218
Here, these fucking things.

112
00:06:24,219 --> 00:06:26,219
Whack them on.

113
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,339
You still fucking
look scrawny, mate.

114
00:06:30,579 --> 00:06:31,217
Try that on.

115
00:06:31,218 --> 00:06:32,497
This is fucking terrible.

116
00:06:32,498 --> 00:06:33,619
I want to make you look harder.

117
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:35,619
I want to look natural, not harder.

118
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:38,858
It's just cos you're
smaller fucking build.

119
00:06:38,859 --> 00:06:41,259
No.

120
00:06:41,259 --> 00:06:42,419
Vital, mate. Try it on, mate.

121
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:43,979
I'm done, man, fuck that.

122
00:06:43,979 --> 00:06:44,859
Donnie, mate.

123
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:47,618
No, mate, no way
am I putting that on.

124
00:06:47,619 --> 00:06:50,379
I could call you like "Donnie
the Penetrator" or something.

125
00:06:50,379 --> 00:06:51,259
Fuck that, man.

126
00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:54,578
'Trying to see what they'd
be like in a real-life situation.'

127
00:06:54,579 --> 00:06:56,218
I'm a naughty individual.

128
00:06:56,219 --> 00:06:59,339
I'm trying to get into your club.
You don't want me in there.

129
00:06:59,339 --> 00:07:01,219
I've got a little
bit of class A, Charlie,

130
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,058
whizzy whizzy bang bang on me.

131
00:07:03,059 --> 00:07:04,778
All right, mate?

132
00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:06,858
I need to get in, mate.
Pull myself a bra.

133
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:09,299
Swing with it.

134
00:07:09,299 --> 00:07:10,979
Fucking hell, mate!

135
00:07:12,219 --> 00:07:13,979
You got something there, mate.

136
00:07:16,779 --> 00:07:19,178
That's good,
that's good, that's good.

137
00:07:19,179 --> 00:07:21,178
Look, mate, I'm not even joking,

138
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,978
this isn't even in the show.
Look, mate, look, right there,

139
00:07:23,979 --> 00:07:26,058
Michelle McManus has got
her fucking shirt off.

140
00:07:26,059 --> 00:07:28,698
And I would want
to look at that why?

141
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,258
Just to see her tits.

142
00:07:31,259 --> 00:07:34,499
We're probably all done.
I'm going to go to my...

143
00:07:34,499 --> 00:07:38,619
They'll do some pickups
with you. I'm going to
go to my dressing room now.

144
00:07:52,699 --> 00:07:57,619
Glasgow. Addicts, Braveheart,
Susan Boyle, fucking do one.

145
00:08:01,499 --> 00:08:04,579
Ladies and gentlemen,
they're here tonight,

146
00:08:04,579 --> 00:08:06,739
it's the hardest men in Glasgow!

147
00:08:08,619 --> 00:08:12,418
Look how hard those boys are.

148
00:08:12,419 --> 00:08:16,658
You're making me hard
just looking at you.

149
00:08:16,659 --> 00:08:18,619
That came out wrong.

150
00:08:18,619 --> 00:08:23,699
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the wonderful John Hannah and
Greg McHugh are with us tonight.

151
00:08:30,299 --> 00:08:33,419
So you, John, thank you very
much for coming onto the show.

152
00:08:33,419 --> 00:08:34,857
My pleasure, my pleasure.

153
00:08:34,858 --> 00:08:36,259
You were born in East Kilbride.

154
00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:41,698
Oh! We invited all of East Kilbride
down tonight, they're all here.

155
00:08:41,699 --> 00:08:44,858
But now you're a Hollywood movie
star. Four Weddings And A Funeral,

156
00:08:44,859 --> 00:08:48,499
The Mummy, how does that happen
to a boy from East Kilbride?

157
00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:50,619
You get the bus and you get out.

158
00:08:52,859 --> 00:08:55,778
Now, you two were both
at the same drama school.

159
00:08:55,779 --> 00:08:58,178
Yep. Same year, I think, was it?

160
00:08:58,179 --> 00:09:00,538
I love this guy!

161
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:03,219
Now, Greg, we have
to get this out there.

162
00:09:03,219 --> 00:09:04,377
We're in Glasgow tonight.

163
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,699
You live in Glasgow
and have done for some time now.

164
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:07,738
Yep.

165
00:09:07,739 --> 00:09:10,579
But you're actually from Edinburgh.

166
00:09:10,579 --> 00:09:11,819
Yeah, yeah.

167
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,897
Because there's quite a big rivalry,

168
00:09:16,898 --> 00:09:19,339
from what I've noticed,
between Glasgow and Edinburgh.

169
00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:22,179
I don't think there actually is
because when Edinburgh's

170
00:09:22,179 --> 00:09:24,259
so much better than Glasgow...

171
00:09:27,379 --> 00:09:28,899
We don't care!

172
00:09:31,259 --> 00:09:32,059
I don't know what that means.

173
00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:33,778
I'm from Edinburgh.

174
00:09:33,779 --> 00:09:35,738
But that's the thing, isn't it,

175
00:09:35,739 --> 00:09:39,339
people from Glasgow think
people from Edinburgh are
a bit more la-di-da, you know,

176
00:09:39,339 --> 00:09:42,539
born with a silver spoon
to cook their smack on, like that.

177
00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:49,899
I think in Scotland
we've got an equal opportunities
sort of sectarianism.

178
00:09:49,899 --> 00:09:51,379
We can hate anybody from anywhere.

179
00:09:53,299 --> 00:09:55,778
It can be the person
from across the street,

180
00:09:55,779 --> 00:09:58,098
I'll hate the person
round the corner.

181
00:09:58,099 --> 00:10:00,339
Absolutely.

182
00:10:00,339 --> 00:10:02,739
And then we all came together
to hate England for the riots.

183
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:06,858
It was perfect.

184
00:10:06,859 --> 00:10:09,179
"You wouldnae catch me doing that!"

185
00:10:09,179 --> 00:10:11,819
Thank you for turning
my audience into a lynch mob.

186
00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:17,498
Now, when you came over from
Edinburgh, what were the differences

187
00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:20,259
that you noticed between
Edinburgh and Glasgow?

188
00:10:20,259 --> 00:10:21,739
I think the initial differences,

189
00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:25,778
I remember going to the cinema
in Glasgow, and in Edinburgh

190
00:10:25,779 --> 00:10:29,378
people used to just watch the film,
whereas in Glasgow,

191
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:32,618
you didn't know what was going
to kick off in the cinema, frankly.

192
00:10:32,619 --> 00:10:35,378
I remember going to the cinema
and about five minutes

193
00:10:35,379 --> 00:10:38,539
into the film
this guy just shouted out,

194
00:10:38,539 --> 00:10:40,299
"Ho, Laura, you're stinkin'!"

195
00:10:42,779 --> 00:10:44,619
Honestly, he just shouted it out.

196
00:10:44,619 --> 00:10:47,099
And I don't know what Laura had
done, what she'd been up to.

197
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,058
I wasn't even there. It wasn't me.

198
00:10:50,059 --> 00:10:53,898
But about five minutes later,
this same guy,

199
00:10:53,899 --> 00:10:57,739
you know one of these guys
who'd come bounding down
to the front of the cinema?

200
00:10:57,739 --> 00:11:02,259
And he just turns round and goes,
"Ho, this film is pish!"

201
00:11:06,019 --> 00:11:10,258
One of the things I did
before I set off to go anywhere

202
00:11:10,259 --> 00:11:13,658
was to sit my dad down, cos he's
quite a wise, well-travelled man,

203
00:11:13,659 --> 00:11:16,378
and I asked him about all the
different regions that I went to

204
00:11:16,379 --> 00:11:19,658
and gave him a little bit
of wine as well cos when
he drinks his mind wanders.

205
00:11:19,659 --> 00:11:22,498
This is what happened when
I asked him about Glasgow.

206
00:11:22,499 --> 00:11:27,018
So I'm going to Glasgow which has
a reputation for being quite tough.

207
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,938
Mm, well it was.

208
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:31,178
I'm in, in my day
it was very, very tough.

209
00:11:31,179 --> 00:11:35,258
I mean, the people who worked
in Glasgow, they were proper men.

210
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:39,498
They had trades, shipbuilding,
things like that.

211
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:43,219
I mean, you'd be hopeless
in somewhere like Glasgow.

212
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:46,899
You'd be as welcome in Glasgow
as a bowl of couscous.

213
00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:53,658
My dad thinks I'm weak. Well, I am
strong. I can make strong decisions,

214
00:11:53,659 --> 00:11:56,018
like moving him
to a retirement community.

215
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,018
So that's it for this part.

216
00:11:58,019 --> 00:12:00,299
Join me after the break
with more from Glasgow,

217
00:12:00,299 --> 00:12:03,579
more from John Hannah
and more from Greg McHugh.
Take it away, The Vaccines!

218
00:12:16,311 --> 00:12:18,311
Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.

219
00:12:18,311 --> 00:12:21,751
I've spent a great week discovering
this fine city of Glasgow.

220
00:12:23,111 --> 00:12:26,031
I'm joined by local legend
turned Hollywood star, John Hannah,

221
00:12:26,031 --> 00:12:29,031
and my Fresh Meat co-star,
Greg McHugh.

222
00:12:31,471 --> 00:12:32,950
Now, coming to Glasgow,

223
00:12:32,951 --> 00:12:36,231
there was only one way to truly
become a proper, local Glaswegian.

224
00:12:36,231 --> 00:12:37,469
Get in a fight.

225
00:12:37,470 --> 00:12:38,551
Get in a fight?

226
00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:41,229
Well, I nearly did that
on several occasions.

227
00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:42,391
There's always later.

228
00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:44,391
I'm actually quite good in a combat
scenario.

229
00:12:44,392 --> 00:12:46,110
They love that, if you're getting

230
00:12:46,111 --> 00:12:48,391
the shit kicked out of you
in Glasgow.

231
00:12:48,391 --> 00:12:49,671
"Fucking Kung Fu!"

232
00:12:51,311 --> 00:12:53,910
I wanted to stay with a local
family,

233
00:12:53,911 --> 00:12:56,470
so we put out an advert saying,

234
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:59,750
"Is there anyone that will let me
into their house?"

235
00:12:59,751 --> 00:13:01,831
In the end, I decided to stay with
a nice family

236
00:13:01,831 --> 00:13:03,871
who had two daughters and a puppy.

237
00:13:07,671 --> 00:13:10,230
'I arrived at the family's house
in Glasgow.'

238
00:13:10,231 --> 00:13:11,471
Hi, I'm Liz.

239
00:13:11,471 --> 00:13:13,749
'Within minutes of meeting
the MacNeil family...'

240
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:14,471
Hey, everyone. Pleased to meet you.

241
00:13:14,472 --> 00:13:17,431
'Alec had decided I needed
Scottish-ing up.

242
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,310
'Time to wear a man skirt.

243
00:13:21,311 --> 00:13:23,190
'I felt like William Wallace.

244
00:13:23,191 --> 00:13:27,591
'Or an Englishman claiming to have
Scottish ancestry at a wedding.'

245
00:13:27,591 --> 00:13:29,751
Is there any point in the dance
where I get to do

246
00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:31,911
the thing in Braveheart
where I put my arse out?

247
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,831
There would be if there wasn't
younger ones there.

248
00:13:33,832 --> 00:13:35,110
Ah.

249
00:13:35,111 --> 00:13:36,750
Especially my daughter.

250
00:13:36,751 --> 00:13:39,470
I don't think my daughter would want
to see your arse.

251
00:13:39,471 --> 00:13:41,511
'After promising not to expose
my genitalia

252
00:13:41,511 --> 00:13:44,671
'to his 14-year-old daughter,
I was ready to dance.'

253
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,750
'Scottish dancing looked like
a piece of piss.

254
00:13:50,751 --> 00:13:54,310
'Bit of hopping, maybe
the occasional jump over a sword,

255
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,511
'all with some sexy Scottish backing
dancers.

256
00:13:56,511 --> 00:13:59,031
'Not sexy. Cos they're 14.
So, just "backing dancers."'

257
00:14:00,951 --> 00:14:02,109
That's not good.

258
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:03,111
Why did you kick the sword out?

259
00:14:04,271 --> 00:14:06,590
Want a drink of water, Jack?

260
00:14:06,591 --> 00:14:08,030
'Bit demoralising.

261
00:14:08,031 --> 00:14:10,590
'A lot of young girls and none
of them have broken sweat,

262
00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:13,510
'and then me looking like Eamonn
Holmes after running a marathon.

263
00:14:13,511 --> 00:14:15,110
'Or up the stairs.'

264
00:14:15,111 --> 00:14:16,830
I thought it'd be really easy.

265
00:14:16,831 --> 00:14:19,390
I dance in clubs and stuff,
and I'm really good at that.

266
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:22,471
'Clubs! Yes - I would harness
the power of Ibiza.

267
00:14:22,471 --> 00:14:24,951
'This was a move that had worked
wonders in Pacha.

268
00:14:24,952 --> 00:14:26,470
'How would it fare in Hillington?'

269
00:14:26,471 --> 00:14:28,751
Take the foot.

270
00:14:28,751 --> 00:14:30,151
Take the back of the head.

271
00:14:30,152 --> 00:14:33,751
And pump!

272
00:14:42,391 --> 00:14:45,391
'And what does every man need
after intense physical exercise?

273
00:14:45,391 --> 00:14:48,511
'Offal. Bring me the vital organs
of a pig.'

274
00:14:50,471 --> 00:14:52,471
That is the best haggis
I have ever tasted.

275
00:14:53,511 --> 00:14:56,150
The only haggis I've ever tasted,
but it's the best.

276
00:14:56,151 --> 00:15:00,511
'I thought little Abby was going to
compliment me on my dancing.'

277
00:15:00,511 --> 00:15:03,951
You actually look like one
of the guys off the seven dwarves.

278
00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:06,151
Which one do I look like?

279
00:15:06,152 --> 00:15:09,311
The one that's got the same
hair as you, and sort of a beard.

280
00:15:09,311 --> 00:15:10,391
The gay one?

281
00:15:11,391 --> 00:15:12,469
I look like the gay dwarf
from the seven dwarves.

282
00:15:12,470 --> 00:15:13,951
I think it is the gay one.

283
00:15:15,111 --> 00:15:17,511
'And this dwarf was sleepy.

284
00:15:19,511 --> 00:15:22,390
'The next morning, the girls
cooked me breakfast,

285
00:15:22,391 --> 00:15:25,270
'and Alec told me that he hated
English comedy.'

286
00:15:25,271 --> 00:15:26,910
Now, this is what you call funny.

287
00:15:26,911 --> 00:15:29,271
I think in Scotland this
counts as a tan.

288
00:15:29,271 --> 00:15:31,871
This. This is what you call
a comedian.

289
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,110
Yes, he's very good.

290
00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:36,950
Have you seen his stand up?

291
00:15:36,951 --> 00:15:38,910
Work with him! All the time!

292
00:15:38,911 --> 00:15:41,270
Oh, do you? So you steal his jokes,
do you?

293
00:15:41,271 --> 00:15:42,831
I'm not stealing his jokes!

294
00:15:42,831 --> 00:15:47,231
'Scottish lessons learnt,
my stay was complete. Och, aye!'

295
00:15:49,431 --> 00:15:51,271
And the MacNeils are here with us
tonight.

296
00:15:55,311 --> 00:16:00,190
Now, one thing I need to talk about
is Glasgow's food culture.

297
00:16:00,191 --> 00:16:01,471
Yes.

298
00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:03,951
Cos Glasgow is famed for
its food culture like...

299
00:16:03,952 --> 00:16:05,030
Fried stuff.

300
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:06,031
Yeah.

301
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,829
You need something you can eat
in the rain,

302
00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:09,311
and that the rain'll just run off.

303
00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:11,709
Oh, that's why it's done!

304
00:16:11,710 --> 00:16:13,591
That's amazing!
Is that why it is?

305
00:16:13,592 --> 00:16:16,391
I don't know, I just made that up.

306
00:16:16,391 --> 00:16:19,911
I thought, genuinely, that was true.
I was like, "Oh, really?"

307
00:16:21,351 --> 00:16:22,429
Why wouldn't you?

308
00:16:22,430 --> 00:16:24,031
I just think that makes
perfect sense.

309
00:16:24,032 --> 00:16:25,110
Yeah!

310
00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:27,271
Oil, water - drip off! Brilliant.

311
00:16:27,271 --> 00:16:28,151
Perfect.

312
00:16:28,152 --> 00:16:31,391
You cannae have your chips getting
wet when you're waiting for the bus.

313
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,231
That's a Dragon's Den pitch,
right there.

314
00:16:34,991 --> 00:16:36,510
Bannatyne would still be out.

315
00:16:36,511 --> 00:16:39,990
Now, one of the things
I wanted to do...

316
00:16:39,991 --> 00:16:41,550
There is this thing, people say,

317
00:16:41,551 --> 00:16:44,190
"Glasgow's one of the most unhealthy
cities in the country."

318
00:16:44,191 --> 00:16:46,711
And I thought, "I can sort that
out."

319
00:16:46,711 --> 00:16:49,191
Cos I know the way you have to sort
out a problem like that.

320
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:51,590
You need to send in a sanctimonious
TV chef.

321
00:16:51,591 --> 00:16:54,710
That's how you do it. You get
Jamie Oliver in, you sort it out.

322
00:16:54,711 --> 00:16:57,790
So what I did is, I posed as
Turtle Lamont, a TV chef,

323
00:16:57,791 --> 00:17:00,911
and I took the battle with the bulge
to the streets of Glasgow,

324
00:17:00,911 --> 00:17:05,951
and received what can most nicely
be described as a mixed response.

325
00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:16,230
Glasgow is the unhealthiest
city in Britain.

326
00:17:16,231 --> 00:17:20,150
Celebrity chef, Turtle Lamont,
is on a mission to change that.

327
00:17:20,151 --> 00:17:23,310
It's time for Turtle to hit
the mean streets of Glasgow.

328
00:17:23,311 --> 00:17:26,390
My mission is to stop you
from eating unhealthy food

329
00:17:26,391 --> 00:17:29,430
in The Blue Lagoon, and instead
try some of my fresh produce.

330
00:17:29,431 --> 00:17:32,710
This is broccoli sashimi.

331
00:17:32,711 --> 00:17:34,751
That's vegetarian haggis.
Just the oats.

332
00:17:34,751 --> 00:17:35,991
And you sort of, just...

333
00:17:40,471 --> 00:17:43,270
I'm terribly sorry, I can't
understand a word you're saying.

334
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,830
That one has badger semen in it.

335
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,350
Fuckin' horrible.

336
00:17:47,351 --> 00:17:48,790
Really subtle flavours.

337
00:17:48,791 --> 00:17:50,110
Fuckin' stinking.

338
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,471
Right.

339
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:54,911
By the way, you can fuck off!

340
00:17:58,231 --> 00:18:00,470
I think that guy in the Rangers
shirt

341
00:18:00,471 --> 00:18:03,870
might have been the man from
the cinema. Did you hear him?

342
00:18:03,871 --> 00:18:06,311
"That is fuckin' stinking!

343
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:07,871
"That smells like Laura."

344
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:14,150
Erm. Now, one thing I've really
enjoyed about Glasgow

345
00:18:14,151 --> 00:18:16,190
is you guys love a drink.

346
00:18:16,191 --> 00:18:18,951
But there was a drink I'd never
heard of until I came to Glasgow,

347
00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:20,551
and that drink is Buckfast.

348
00:18:22,071 --> 00:18:24,751
Oh, yes! The alcoholics
are cheering.

349
00:18:24,751 --> 00:18:27,071
I'd never even heard of Buckfast,
but this drink is...

350
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,710
Made in England.

351
00:18:29,711 --> 00:18:31,750
It's made in Devon, in a tiny
monastery.

352
00:18:31,751 --> 00:18:33,830
Buckfast Abbey.

353
00:18:33,831 --> 00:18:36,830
I found some slightly less wholesome
facts about Buckfast, as well.

354
00:18:36,831 --> 00:18:39,230
In 2010 the BBC investigation
revealed

355
00:18:39,231 --> 00:18:44,390
that Buckfast had been mentioned
5,638 times in crime reports

356
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,390
in the Strathclyde area of Scotland.

357
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:48,790
One in ten of those offences
had been violent,

358
00:18:48,791 --> 00:18:53,150
and 114 times in that period
Buckfast had been used as a weapon.

359
00:18:53,151 --> 00:18:55,511
Jesus Christ!

360
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,391
So I thought we'd have some.
So here we are.

361
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:02,951
I thought we might as well try
a bit of Buckfast. There we are.

362
00:19:02,951 --> 00:19:03,791
A whole bottle?

363
00:19:03,792 --> 00:19:04,990
Yeah.

364
00:19:04,991 --> 00:19:07,470
I don't think you should drink it
in the glass.

365
00:19:07,471 --> 00:19:10,270
I don't think anyone in Scotland's
ever drunk it from a glass.

366
00:19:10,271 --> 00:19:14,190
What do you do? Is it from the shoe,
is that the traditional...?

367
00:19:14,191 --> 00:19:16,551
Oh, straight from the bottle.
All right.

368
00:19:16,551 --> 00:19:17,711
Chin chin, everyone.

369
00:19:17,712 --> 00:19:19,390
What shall we "cheers" to?

370
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:22,790
I've already gone, actually.
I'm afraid, I've started.

371
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:25,151
Here's to glassing and violence.

372
00:19:25,151 --> 00:19:26,871
Yeah.

373
00:19:30,551 --> 00:19:33,671
Keep going! Come on, finish it!

374
00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:36,031
Wow. Shit.

375
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:42,191
I don't even have a wife, but if
I did I'd want to hit her right now.

376
00:19:44,831 --> 00:19:47,271
That shit is strong!

377
00:19:48,631 --> 00:19:51,510
What are you looking at?

378
00:19:51,511 --> 00:19:55,031
Erm, this... Oh, I'm properly
pissed, now.

379
00:19:55,031 --> 00:19:56,391
One of the things I found,

380
00:19:56,392 --> 00:19:59,030
this is the best sign I think
I've ever seen, all right?

381
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,031
This is a genuine sign
from a shop in Glasgow.

382
00:20:02,031 --> 00:20:04,551
And it's just incredible.
Here it is.

383
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,151
"It is not their fault."

384
00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:18,551
Amazing!

385
00:20:23,191 --> 00:20:25,991
That's my time in Glasgow nearly up.
I've absolutely loved it.

386
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:29,431
Thank you for coming onto the show,
John Hannah and Greg McHugh!

387
00:20:31,471 --> 00:20:33,110
Glasgow, you've been brilliant,

388
00:20:33,111 --> 00:20:35,110
and if anyone asks me what
I've learnt here,

389
00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:36,630
I shall simply show them this.

390
00:20:36,631 --> 00:20:39,270
And if the Glasgow tourist board
want to get in touch and use it,

391
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:41,031
you know where I am...

392
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:42,191
having a lie down.

393
00:20:42,192 --> 00:20:45,830
'Discover Glasgow. I know I did.

394
00:20:45,831 --> 00:20:48,911
'I discovered a thriving metropolis,

395
00:20:48,911 --> 00:20:52,711
'embedded in the beauty
of its natural surroundings.

396
00:20:53,791 --> 00:20:56,511
'I discovered the famous
Glasgow welcome.

397
00:20:59,271 --> 00:21:01,951
'My Glasgow believes
children are the future.

398
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:07,270
'My Glasgow's cuisine

399
00:21:07,271 --> 00:21:12,111
'is so much more diverse
than deep-fried Mars bars.

400
00:21:12,111 --> 00:21:17,071
'My Glasgow is united by a friendly
footballing rivalry.

401
00:21:19,751 --> 00:21:22,271
'But it's not all about football.

402
00:21:22,271 --> 00:21:24,751
'There are plenty of traditional
Scottish sports.

403
00:21:24,752 --> 00:21:26,551
'Like curling.

404
00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:30,991
'So, discover your own Glasgow -
today.'

405
00:21:33,831 --> 00:21:35,551
I've had an amazing time here
in Glasgow,

406
00:21:35,552 --> 00:21:38,390
thanks now to John Hannah,

407
00:21:38,391 --> 00:21:41,270
Greg McHugh, the MacNeil family,

408
00:21:41,271 --> 00:21:43,550
and to you, the good people
of Glasgow.

409
00:21:43,551 --> 00:21:45,751
Thank you very much for watching.

410
00:21:45,751 --> 00:21:50,111
To play us out tonight,
it's The Vaccines.

411
00:22:52,770 --> 00:23:03,306
<font color="#3399CC">Subtitles by </font><font color="ffffff">MemoryOnSmells</font>
<font color="#3399CC">http://UKsubtitles.ru</font>

