- Len, my marriage is falling apart.
I had to make a call.
- So, you went to the shadiest nail salon in San Francisco
and got a bikini wax?
- I think they just found, like, an old yankee candle,
melted it down, and slapped it on down there.
- Jessica, come on!
- Listen, Peter's coming home tomorrow, I didn't have a choice.
- Hey, you always have a choice when it comes to your vagina.
- What do you want me to do--
greet my husband at the door wearing a pair of fur shorts?
- I'm not listening, but I will say
that men do like a natural woman.
- Joe, get out of there!
Hey, he's lying to you, by the way.
You should get that taken care of.
- Never. - Lennon.
It is a situation down there.
- They may take my life...
- Don't you do it. Don't do braveheart.
- But they'll never take...
Both: My freedom!
- Oh, my God. You two are insane.
[Doorbell rings] I got to get the door. Hold on.
- Babe, you nailed it.
- Oh, my God!
- What's happening?
- [Screams] - Jessica?
Are you being murdered? What's going on?
What happened?
- [Crying] Peter FedEx-ed me divorce papers.
- Oh, my-- - I didn't get a word of that.
- Peter FedEx-ed her divorce papers.
- He didn't even fed ex them priority overnight.
- Well, what did he send it? - Two-day ground, Lennon.
- Two-day ground? Really?
- I broke it.
Lennon, I just broke these papers.
- Okay, you know what? That's it.
You're coming home tonight.
I'm booking you a ticket to New York.
- On the plus side, Jess,
you can put those fur shorts back on.
- Babe!
- Joe, what are you talking about?
- I'm--I'm sorry. I'm not good with tragedy.
"Best friends forever: S01e01" "pilot" original air date 04 April, 2012
sync by honeybunny, corrections by maxizephyr resync by into-the-light www.Addic7ed.Com
- here I was just waxing things...
- Well, I told you about that.
- Talking to Dr. Gail. - Okay.
- The point is he's already checked out.
- That's how he was the entire marriage, Jess.
- I just feel like such an idiot.
- I know, but...
I don't think there's anything you could've done.
- I bet--I bet he's with that girl from the Lisbon office--
short bangs. - Okay, let's not jump to any--
- I didn't trust her the moment I saw her,
with those knee-high socks, and those Mary Janes.
- Well, that is not a professional look.
- No, it isn't.
But I bet she's a lot less work than I am.
- Okay, all right.
- I'll bet short bangs is real fun.
I used to be fun, len.
- You're still fun.
- Remember those trips to block island?
We rode tandem bikes? - Yeah.
- Now no one wants to ride tandem bikes with me.
- Hey, I have told you a thousand times
I would love to ride a tandem bike with you.
- [Sighs] God.
We always blame ourselves, huh?
- Um...
I just feel, you know... - Yeah.
- I just want...
Um, len...
Is there perhaps somewhere that he might go?
- Well, he lives here.
- No, I know, but maybe, like, a 24-hour Duane Reade
or, like, a bus station maybe, where they have an open kiosk
or something? - You know he can hear us.
- I don't care, Lennon. - Okay.
Um, hey, babe, I'm sorry. Would you mind just, uh...?
- Oh, yeah, totally.
I'm buying deodorant. I'm getting on a bus.
- Okay, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna make up a nice, comfy bed for you
in your old room. - Okay.
- That's my office.
- Joe will blow up the aerobed.
- Or I could just sleep on the couch,
and you guys could take the bedroom.
- Really, babe? - That'd be great. Thank you.
- No, I was kidding. - And we'll just spend
the whole weekend just snuggled up on the couch,
watching steel magnolias. - Can we watchsteel magnolias?
- But we are doing lazy Sunday, right?
That--that's still on.
- Wait, you guys still do lazy Sunday?
That was our thing, len.
- Yeah, I mean, it's so different
from when you and I used to do it.
- Yeah, we do it real lazy. We do it right.
Best buds, chili, the wolverines game...
- Wait--w-wait a second. The TV is on?
Well, is it still a culinary experience?
Because when I was in charge,
it was a trip around the world for the taste buds.
- Oh, it's still a culinary experience.
I'm--I'm making my monster chili,
with real monster energy drink,
and scoops.
- What the hell are scoops?
- Okay, so a scoop is like a miniature tortilla bowl
designed by genius scientists
to convey the maximum amount of guacamole, of salsa...
- I don't understand what's happening right now, len.
- Okay, I-I think it might just all be too much right now.
- But Rav's already bringing the pony keg.
- I'm--wait. Rav is coming? - Yeah.
And he's bringing this girl he's dating who was on Miami inc.
- Lennon, I cannot see Rav right now.
- Jess, it's been, like, three years, come on.
- Okay, you know what?
We're just gonna host next month.
- Oh...
- Listen...
I know you're having a really tough time right now.
- W-why are you whispering?
- I'm whispering because I need to get across
some information in a hushed tone, okay?
- Okay, what-- what do you want?
- I need lazy Sunday to happen,
'cause I'm planning something special for len.
- Well, what are you planning?
- I--there's no way I can tell you that.
You'll run and tell her, just like you did with Springsteen.
- Joe, that was an outdoor concert.
I was trying to just make sure she had a light jacket.
- I'm giving up my office. It's the least you can do.
- All right, fine.
- Great.
- What are you do--who-- what is happening? Okay.
- I just thought you're having a rough time.
- I know, but I just would rather--thank you.
- Babe, thank you so much for giving up your office.
She just needs, like, a drawer or two.
- Okay, but just, please,
I don't want her touching my desk, all right?
I'm designing this new character for my new game,
fatal blowout, and I just--
- I'm sorry. Fatal blowout? I am gonna need to see that.
- Okay, okay, but I--
it's not done or anything, okay? - I don't care.
- Okay.
There.
- Oh, my God, is that me?
Thanks for giving me those great boobs.
- Yeah, well, you actually need them
to balance out your crossbow... - Mm-hmm.
- Because even though you have access
to all this unbelievable weaponry,
you still insist on only using your crossbow,
which I think is totally badass.
- That is extremely badass.
I bet you would, uh,
give a drawer to one of her best friends.
- Yeah, I mean, I'd have no choice.
- Yeah, 'cause otherwise she'd murder you with her giant boobs.
[Laughs]
Thank you.
- It was nothing.
- No, not for the boobs, for the room.
Bye, babe. Be back in an hour.
Now, you're sure lazy Sunday's not gonna be too much for you?
- Yes, I think it'll be good for me
to have something to focus on other than
the shattered remains of my life.
- Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. The recipe.
- Oh, I'll get it. Hold on.
- [Screams]
- We were gone five seconds--
just F.Y.I.
Lennon, what was that? - I'm sorry. It's--
Joe calls that his "naked freedom."
- That means his ass is all over the seat cushions.
- [Laughs] Yeah.
- Look who's back.
But I think we all saw this coming.
You look older.
- Oh, really, Queenetta? 'Cause you still look six.
- I'm 9 1/2!
You been gone three years! Do the math!
- All right, simmer down, Q.
- Also, now that you're back in the dating world,
I'd get rid of them sad khakis.
- I needed a relaxed fit.
- 'Cause you got to put some work in
if you want to keep a man.
Nails done, hair done... Both: Everything did.
Oh, you fancy, huh? Oh, you fancy, huh?
- Okay, you know what?
Okay, I will have you know that I went to joy nail spa,
and I got it all done, Queenetta.
- Okay, we got to get to the store, so...
- Ooh, for lazy Sunday? Can I come?
- All right, I would like to know why you are always out here
like a little stoop troll.
- 'Cause there's a new baby in my house,
and I don't like the way it smells!
- Well, I don't like the way you smell.
- I don't like the way your hair smells!
- I don't like your face!
[Bells jangle]
- Don't you worry about it, sweetheart.
You get back to your fighting weight,
get out of them khakis,
and you'll be beatin' 'em back with a stick.
Now, which one of my premium meats
can I interest you in today?
- Oh, could we have, uh, seven pounds of ground Chuck?
'Cause we're doing Joe's chili.
- You got it. Allow me to go to the grinder.
- Thank you, angelo. - Thank you, angelo.
Hey, do I really look that bad in these khakis?
And what's he talking about with my fighting weight?
- No, it's just these front pleats.
They give the illusion of extra weight.
- Oh, God. I have to worry about this crap again.
I don't even have any good underwear.
I'm wearing bathing suit bottoms right now, Lennon.
- Hey, that is not healthy. Those trap moisture.
- Where am I gonna live--
some sad studio with a hotplate and a Murphy bed?
Oh, God, this is so overwhelming.
I give up.
- You give up. - Yeah.
- Okay, and this is from the same woman
who managed to throw together in mere hours
a mediterranean feast that would go on to become
one of the most legendary lazy Sundays ever?
Those garlic lamb shanks... - The shanks...
- I'm sorry, yes, they fell right off the bone.
And then you did, um, like, a new potato or some--
- it was a smash. What it was was a parmesan smash.
- And that watermelon feta salad.
- Something hot, something cold.
- Hey, we should do it. - What?
- We should do it again--
the feast, the mediterranean feast.
- Okay. - Okay, angelo!
- Huh?
- We're gonna need several cuts of your most premium meats.
- Screw the grinder, angelo! The ladies are back!
- Hey, uh...
- Okay, we're whispering. What's going--
- I just want to thank you so much.
Lennon is gonna love the surprise.
- No problem.
- Hey, where are my scoops?
- Oh, we don't need scoops,
'cause we're not doing chili anymore.
- We're doing shanks.
- What? Why?
- I love you.
- [Sighs]
Only one drawer? Come on, Joe.
Oh, my God.
- Oh! [Sighs]
- Ha ha! - Mwah!
- Oh, rav? Rav. Rav. Rav.
Can I talk to you?
- Before you say anything, let me just say I'm sorry.
I never should've told you not to marry him,
or punch him in the face.
That was completely wrong on my part, and I apologize.
- Okay. Can I ask you a question?
- Sure. Anything.
- What do we think about Joe for len,
you know, like, long-term?
- I just laid my soul on the line.
- And I said, "okay."
- We haven't spoken to each other in, like, three years.
- That wasn't my fault.
- Well, you didn't return my calls.
- Well, I was still mad at you.
- Well, I'm trying to apologize right now.
- Okay, well, I don't have time to talk about this,
because I got to figure out if this guy is right for len.
- You're getting a divorce. Figure that out.
- I have it under control, but thank you.
- Really? - Yes.
- Where's your bra?
- Oh, man.
Okay, I found a ring in Joe's drawer,
and I think he's gonna propose on lazy Sunday.
- That's awesome.
- That's not awesome. It's way too soon.
They've only been together, like, what, 11 months?
- Well, that's twice as long as you and Peter were together
before you guys got engaged, so...
Come on, Jess, look at her.
Have you ever seen her this comfortable with anybody before?
- I don't think she's particularly comfortable.
- [Grunting goofily]
[Laughs]
[Continues grunting]
- Also, I don't want to burst your bubble,
but you're not exactly the best judge of character, so...
- Okay, and your girlfriend Miami inc.
Seems like a real keeper.
- You know what? Just stay out of it, okay?
- Yeah, well, just--guess what? F.Y.I., your apologies suck.
- Okay, well, I take it back, then.
I'm not sorry. - You can't take it back.
- I'm glad I punched him in the face.
[Gunshots on video game] - Rav!
I'm gonna die, here, buddy!
Rav!
And I'm dead. - Sorry, dude.
I got tied up.
- Doing what?
- Hey, why don't you relax?
- Why don't you relax?
Do you know how hard it is to relax
when you have, like, perfume and lipstick
and lady cream on your desk?
- Then why don't you get out of your office?
- I'm sorry. I don't feel like taking part
in a steel magnolias marathon.
I guess I'm just not interested in hearing
Sally fields tell a bunch of jokes.
- It's not a comedy, okay?
It's about the fragility of life.
Can I tell you something?
I lived with Jess and len senior year,
so I know what kind of hell you're in.
If you keep retreating, it's only gonna get worse.
You need to get out there and fight for your girlfriend.
Be a man. Watch steel magnolias.
- My colors are blush and bashful, mama.
- Why would shelby go and get pregnant
when she knew her kidneys couldn't handle it?
- Well, she said she'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful
than a whole lifetime of nothing.
- Well, yeah, but I mean,
if she knew how it would turn out,
would she do it again?
- Yeah, probably. - No. What?
Lennon, we can't ask her, 'cause she's dead.
- [Laughs] Okay.
- No, listen to me.
You cannot rush things like babies and...
Marriage.
That's called "pulling a shelby."
- What do you mean?
You mean like, "I need some juice, mama!"
- Lenny, stop it! I'm serious! [Laughing]
- "Mama, get me some juice!" - Stop it!
- [Laughs] - Listen to me.
Hey, I married a guy before I really knew him,
and look how that turned out.
I don't want that happening to you.
- [Laughs] I won't pull a shelby.
You know I like to take things slow.
- Okay, then I don't need to be worried?
- About what?
- I don't know--like, you getting married anytime soon.
- Oh, my God. He just moved in. Jess.
- Okay, good. That's what I needed to hear.
- Okay. - Thank you, shelby.
- You're welcome. "I need some juice!"
- "M'Lynn, do you have any cookies in your purse?"
- "No, Annelle, juice is better."
- What're we doing, watching "steely mags"?
Let me pull the wolverines chair up real close.
- Okay, you know we're watching steel magnolias, right?
- The 1989 film, starring Julia Roberts
in an Oscar-nominated performance,
based on the 1987 play by the same name?
Yeah. I'm familiar.
- Don't-- - drink the juice.
- Shelby, you need some juice. You need some juice.
- Wikipedia says it's based on the author's dying sister.
- We don't-- we don't talk during the film.
- You need some juice.
- Okay, you're not supposed to give a diabetic juice.
I had a roommate named Barry who had full-blown 'betes,
- and he-- - shh!
- How precious is this wedding gonna get?
- Hey, is that Daryl Hannah from splash?
- It is. Nice.
- You know, Joe, I'm surprised you haven't seen this movie,
considering it's Lennon's favorite.
- It's not Lennon's favorite movie.
Braveheat is Lennon's favorite movie.
- [Scoffs] Lennon, tell him what your favorite movie is.
- Um, well, I have a favorite movie with you,
and I have a favorite movie with him.
- You can't have two favorites.
- My personal favorite brigadoon.
- What? That's ridiculous! - That's a musical or something?
- You guys want snacks?
- Hey. Hey. I know what you're up to.
- Hey, I'm just trying to watch "steely mags."
- No, no, I know what you have planned,
and you need to just slow it down,
because now is not a good time for this.
- Wait. Not a good time for who? Not a good time for you?
'Cause the surprise isn't for you--it's for Lennon.
- No, I know Lennon, and she doesn't want this right now.
- I thought steel magnolias was all about living life
and how shelby just wanted 30 minutes of wonderful inst--
- and then she died, Joe. She died.
- [Sighs]
Spoiler alert.
- So, take me through the flow of the evening.
- So, it's a ding-dong, "hello, can I take your coat?"
That will be Joe. - I man the drink station.
- They pass by the apps,
and they bring their food over here.
I don't like that. - Okay.
Let me throw this in the mix, and tell me if I'm crazy.
What if we were to do hot apps over there,
cold apps... - On the coffee table? Genius.
- Okay.
- But this couch for me, really blocking the flow, right?
- Well, there's a reason we had it over here for eight years.
Just...
- All right, let's move it. - We're gonna move it.
- Moving it. - All right.
Give me a break--it's already opening up the space.
- I can breathe again.
- So, it's a ding-dong, hello, coats, drinks...
- Mm-hmm. - Hot apps, cold apps...
- I just... - What? Talk to me.
- Something is off.
[Sighs]
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So they got you running errands now, huh?
[Chuckles] Next thing you know,
your velvet painting of sicily
disappears from the front hallway.
- Nah.
It's only for another few days.
- [Chuckles] That's what I thought too,
when my sister-in-law came to "help" with the baby.
- What happened?
- I'll tell you what didn't happen.
I didn't have sex with two sisters like I thought it would.
You know what sisters like to do together?
Eat. You know what they don't like to do?
Exercise.
- How long did she stay?
- We've gone through three cats,
and she's still here.
- Lennon, that's my wolverines chair.
What, did Jessica not want it?
- Well, it's just not working in here anymore, so, uh...
- Yeah, well, a lot of things aren't working in here anymore.
- You know what? I--
I don't understand why you're getting so upset.
It's just a chair.
- No, no, no, it's not just a chair.
It's about you and me, and--and--
and we were supposed to do scoops
and--and chili, and that was the plan.
And--and what is that couch even doing over there?
And I don't want her to be here for even one cat's life,
much less three cats' lives.
- What cat? We don't have a cat.
- But she's just ruining everything, Lennon.
- Okay, well, what would you like me to do?
Kick her out on the street? She is my best friend.
- No, of course not.
- Okay, please keep your voice down,
because she is in the other room.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to wake up
the princess from her midday nap.
Wouldn't that be terrible,
if she was woken up from sleeping
in the middle of the afternoon! - You know what? I am sorry...
That for once in our entire relationship,
I can't put you first without you having a big old breakdown!
- I don't--I don't-- that's like big bird.
I don't do that!
- That is just what you just did!
- That's ridiculous! That's not how I act!
And you know what? If you love each other so much,
why don't you just move to the berkshires,
and open up a lesbian candle shop!
- That is a great idea! I love vanilla...
And lesbians! [Door slams]
- Len, are you okay?
Listen, you don't have to do that stuff for me.
- Okay, yeah, but I do have to do that stuff for you,
'cause otherwise, you'll just go back to Peter,
and we'll be right back where we started.
- What are you talking about? Len, my marriage is over.
You actually think I would do that?
- You went back to him
the first time he cheated on you, so, yeah.
- O-okay, you know what?
If you had something to say about that,
you should have spoken up. - Oh, why?
So you could ignore me for three years like you did to Rav?
See what you made me do? - I didn't do anything, len.
- I cannot make both of you happy, so you know what?
Screw lazy Sunday!
- What? No!
- Yeah, it's over, and you can both go shove these...
Jammers right up your buttholes!
I always said Joe was a ticking time bomb.
Not surprised. - Hey, who'd you say that to?
- Myself. Nobody listens to me.
- What are you doing? What are you so afraid of--
that on top of everything you lost, you're gonna lose len too?
- No.
[Sniffles] - Okay.
All right.
You're never gonna lose her.
You guys have been obsessed with each other since freshman year,
when you realized you both had Hugh grant's haircut
from four weddings and a funeral.
- [Laughs]
- But she found somebody that makes her really happy,
so you got to make room for him now.
And you got other people here for you besides len,
just so you know.
- Like who?
- All right, get off my keg.
- Like you, I know. I have you.
- Yeah.
- [Snorts]
[Sighs]
Len?
Len, I'm--I'm sorry.
I just--I got afraid, and I was being so--okay.
What's happening here?
- I'm making ground Chuck out of lamb shanks.
- Yeah, no, I can see that.
Can we ca-- can we calm down?
- No, because I-I have to make Joe's monster chili,
because we had a plan, and it wasn't fair,
and then I deflated his wolverines chair,
and now he's never gonna forgive me.
So come on! Get on the train!
- All right, len? Can we drop-- can we drop the meat?
We got to drop that meat.
You listen to me.
I did not spend the last three years of a loveless marriage
watching only the barefoot contessa
to be defeated by Joe's monster chili.
So we can do this.
- I don't know. - Yes, you do.
Now, you go wash your hands.
Okay, no, leave the meat. Honey, leave the meat.
- Okay, scoops looking good.
Q, pick up the pace on the wieners.
Jess, eta on the wolverines chair.
- Are you guys making my monster chili?
Are these scoops?
- Yeah, well, they were all out at the store, so we--
- Lennon, homemade scoops?
This is the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
- Babe, I'm sorry. I--
I think I just got carried away taking care of Jess,
and I forgot all about our stuff.
- No, len, I don't want you to stop taking care of people.
It's one of the things I love the most about you.
I'm just gonna have to learn how to share you.
[Chair squeaks]
- [Panting]
- Hey, just so you know, we have a pump for that.
- [Wheezing]
[Man speaking indistinctly on television]
- Right there.
- Okay, so, Q, I'm thinking Joe's gonna propose at halftime,
so, when len says, "yes," I give you the signal,
and that's when you shoot off the confetti gun, okay?
- And then tomorrow, you gonna say "yes" to some new pants.
- [Scoffs] Okay.
- Nuh-uh! Fighting weight.
- Can I just have a half-- - no!
No, don't you do it.
[Indistinct chatter]
- If everybody's, uh--
if everybody's had their fill of monster chili,
I have a bit of an announcement to make,
if that's okay.
We all know how much Lennon does for everybody.
I mean, Jess, she's helping out a ton right now,
given that you're barely holding it together.
- I'll be okay, guys. So...
I'm wearing a bra. [Chuckles]
- And for some reason, she loves me,
which is just...
Pretty much the most amazing thing that's ever happened.
Lennon Elizabeth Walker...
Will you...
Go to the William Wallace memorial with me in Scotland?
- You shut your mouth. Are you serious?
"Are you ready for a war?" - "Every man dies!"
Both: "But not every man truly lives!"
- Is that it? Is--is that it?
- What do you mean "is that it?"
We're going to Scotland to see
where Mel Gibson got his guts torn out!
- Yeah!
- Just need to see you in the bathroom. Excuse me.
- Oh, my God, that's the grip of an orangutan!
- "You tell the sons and daughters of Scotland
that they are free."
- Okay.
Are you gonna do it in Scotland?
- Do what? - Propose!
- What are you talking about?
- Hey, what is going on in here?
- I have no idea. - Stop.
Okay, are you guys gonna get married or what?
- Married? - Yeah. Of course.
- Um, really?
- Yeah, I mean, not right now, but...
I want to be with you forever.
- I want to be with you forever.
- O-okay, but, guys, guys, hi. What--what about the ring?
- What ring are you talking about?
- Oh, okay, when I was looking through your stuff--
- you were looking through my stuff?
- That's not appropriate. - Relax, relax.
I found an ugly-ass ring-- a snake swallowing a heart?
- Oh, wait--that ring? - Yes.
- I--yeah, well--
when Lennon and I went on our first date to medieval times--
- oh, my God, it was so awesome.
A live falcon landed right on my arm.
- Pow. Cutest little hood you've ever seen.
- No, you two really are perfect for each other. Go on.
- Anyway, when you were getting your third Turkey leg,
I went and bought this ring so that I could...
Have something to remember our first date by.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- That's really sweet.
- Oh, man.
- I'm sorry. I just--it's-- - what?
- I'm still here. I'm so sorry.
- [Laughs]
- Come on. - Okay.
I thought you'd never ask.
- We didn't. We really didn't.
- I love you, Joe.
- All right. - I love you guys!
- So, len... - Yeah?
- I know I'm not supposed to get involved,
but if that was the ring he was gonna propose with,
I should've said something, right?
- Oh, yeah, you should've come to me immediately.
- Even though...
She has all this weaponry available to her,
she still insists on using...
A crossbow! - [Screams]
- Oh, my God! [Laughs]
- Oh, my God! What are you doing in here?
- Joe! I'm gonna gouge out my eyes!
- What the... - Joe!
Get out of here!
It's worse from behind! It's worse from behind!
Sync by honeybunny, corrections by maxizephyr resync by into-the-light www.Addic7ed.Com