1
00:00:04,311 --> 00:00:06,092
"Between two groups of people

2
00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:09,128
"who want to make inconsistent
kinds of worlds,

3
00:00:09,129 --> 00:00:11,464
I see no remedy but force."

4
00:00:11,465 --> 00:00:13,286
Oliver Wendell Holmes.

5
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,471
There was a point
where all I saw were feathers.

6
00:00:18,472 --> 00:00:20,490
Then I started swinging.

7
00:00:20,491 --> 00:00:25,111
And then I hit something
and heard someone fall.

8
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,980
Could've been somebody
from my side.

9
00:00:29,633 --> 00:00:32,368
In 2012,
Greendale Community College

10
00:00:32,369 --> 00:00:35,004
was the site of the largest
and longest pillow fight

11
00:00:35,005 --> 00:00:36,656
in community college history.

12
00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:39,626
It shaped and scarred
the landscape of their campus

13
00:00:39,627 --> 00:00:42,312
and forever changed the lives
of those involved.

14
00:00:44,014 --> 00:00:46,092
A health care
administration student,

15
00:00:46,093 --> 00:00:48,851
who turned the storage room
into a sanctuary for soldiers

16
00:00:48,852 --> 00:00:52,055
with broken glasses
and lightly grazed testicles.

17
00:00:52,056 --> 00:00:55,024
A high school dropout
and amateur photographer

18
00:00:55,025 --> 00:00:56,676
whose borrowed camera
would capture

19
00:00:56,677 --> 00:00:59,979
some of the war's blurriest,
most poorly framed moments.

20
00:01:01,749 --> 00:01:03,683
A disgraced former lawyer

21
00:01:03,684 --> 00:01:06,035
whose words would inspire
tens of students

22
00:01:06,036 --> 00:01:07,637
to take up pillows and fight,

23
00:01:07,638 --> 00:01:10,490
most likely to avoid
an upcoming test.

24
00:01:10,491 --> 00:01:13,526
A loving wife and mother
who would prove to be

25
00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:17,463
as skilled at kicking asses
as she was at wiping them.

26
00:01:17,464 --> 00:01:20,917
The dried-up heir
to a moist towelette empire,

27
00:01:20,918 --> 00:01:22,986
who would prove to be
the dried-up heir

28
00:01:22,987 --> 00:01:25,338
to a moist towelette empire.

29
00:01:25,339 --> 00:01:27,173
The sensitive
high school quarterback

30
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,892
who became commander in chief
of his own army.

31
00:01:29,893 --> 00:01:32,679
He would later say of the war,
"it was awesome,

32
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,214
but also, it wasn't."

33
00:01:35,215 --> 00:01:37,633
And his socially
dysfunctional best friend

34
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:39,435
turned bitter rival,

35
00:01:39,436 --> 00:01:42,689
an uncompromising tactical
mastermind feared by all

36
00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:44,741
yet unable to pay
parking tickets

37
00:01:44,742 --> 00:01:46,058
or know left from right

38
00:01:46,059 --> 00:01:48,277
without mouthing
the pledge of allegiance.

39
00:01:48,278 --> 00:01:50,563
The rift in their friendship
would carry their school

40
00:01:50,564 --> 00:01:52,832
into a conflict lasting days,

41
00:01:52,833 --> 00:01:54,283
costing hundreds of dollars

44
00:02:00,741 --> 00:02:02,625
So it was a pillow fight,"

45
00:02:02,626 --> 00:02:04,260
to which I say...

46
00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:07,263
"You weren't there."

47
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,401
Sync and corrections by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com

48
00:02:11,002 --> 00:02:13,603
Jeffrey, you have to come
mediate Troy and Abed.

49
00:02:13,604 --> 00:02:16,172
They look up to you.
What's with the film crew?

50
00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:18,758
- Don't worry about that.
- Oh, I am worried about that.

51
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:19,842
If there's one thing
I've learned at this place,

52
00:02:19,843 --> 00:02:21,411
it's that a film crew
means disaster.

53
00:02:21,412 --> 00:02:23,146
Okay, they are here to document

54
00:02:23,147 --> 00:02:24,397
Greendale's guinness record,

55
00:02:24,398 --> 00:02:26,365
which you are going
to make sure we get

56
00:02:26,366 --> 00:02:28,267
by talking to Troy and Abed
right now.

57
00:02:28,268 --> 00:02:29,769
- This is your fault.
- No, it's your fault.

58
00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:30,770
- This is your fault.
- Your fault.

59
00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:31,937
- Your fault!
- Your fault!

60
00:02:31,938 --> 00:02:34,207
Okay, I've got good news
for both of you.

61
00:02:34,208 --> 00:02:36,542
Neither of you has to apologize
because what you're doing

62
00:02:36,543 --> 00:02:37,727
is equally ridiculous.

63
00:02:37,728 --> 00:02:39,378
So here's the solution
I'm pitching.

64
00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:42,281
I'm giving you two
imaginary Friendship Hats

65
00:02:42,282 --> 00:02:44,000
that automatically
make you friends again.

66
00:02:44,001 --> 00:02:45,835
Are we done?

67
00:02:45,836 --> 00:02:48,454
Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's
a little more serious than that.

68
00:02:48,455 --> 00:02:49,555
No, it's not.

69
00:02:49,556 --> 00:02:51,758
You're children
acting like grown-ups.

70
00:02:51,759 --> 00:02:53,092
I mean, it's fine.

71
00:02:53,093 --> 00:02:54,093
But just don't pretend
it's anything but that.

72
00:02:55,295 --> 00:02:57,647
Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

73
00:02:57,648 --> 00:02:59,816
Friends so close,
they once graced the cover

74
00:02:59,817 --> 00:03:03,886
of Friends Weekly, a pretend
magazine of their own design.

75
00:03:03,887 --> 00:03:06,239
Earlier that day,
they begin construction

76
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,057
on a fort made of pillows.

77
00:03:08,058 --> 00:03:10,159
Its name...
New Fluffytown.

78
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:14,030
Its goal... to be a newer,
fluffier town than Fluffytown,

79
00:03:14,031 --> 00:03:16,582
their blanket fort
from the previous year.

80
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:19,702
New Fluffytown
don't care who you were.

81
00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:23,106
You were surrounded
by softness.

82
00:03:23,107 --> 00:03:26,209
It's just like crawling
through a hug.

83
00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:27,210
Well...

84
00:03:27,211 --> 00:03:30,613
I guess all hugs
have to come to an end.

85
00:03:32,349 --> 00:03:35,134
When an opportunity
arises for a world record,

86
00:03:35,135 --> 00:03:37,169
it creates a rift.

87
00:03:37,170 --> 00:03:38,938
Troy wants to go for the record

88
00:03:38,939 --> 00:03:41,641
using blankets
for rapid expansion.

89
00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:43,593
Abed insists on pillows,

90
00:03:43,594 --> 00:03:46,145
declaring world records
to be dumb.

91
00:03:46,146 --> 00:03:48,314
Troy declares
the Declaration Lame,

92
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:51,484
stating that thinking records
are dumb is stupid.

93
00:03:51,485 --> 00:03:53,636
He secedes from New Fluffytown

94
00:03:53,637 --> 00:03:55,771
and begins constructing
Blanketsburg

95
00:03:55,772 --> 00:03:57,356
on the other side
of the campus.

96
00:03:57,357 --> 00:03:59,525
Abed renames his fort
Pillowtown

97
00:03:59,526 --> 00:04:01,327
for the sake
of conceptual symmetry.

98
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:05,998
Both forts expand until both
are in each other's way.

99
00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:08,033
Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,

100
00:04:08,034 --> 00:04:10,562
things quickly reach
their boiling point.

101
00:04:10,563 --> 00:04:12,421
- You stand back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.

102
00:04:12,422 --> 00:04:15,174
My name is Alex!

103
00:04:15,175 --> 00:04:18,010
A softly lobbed,
hypoallergenic sealy select

104
00:04:18,011 --> 00:04:19,645
in a floral print case

105
00:04:19,646 --> 00:04:21,848
collides with
a load-bearing broomstick,

106
00:04:21,849 --> 00:04:25,144
collapsing a queen-sized section
of blanket fort.

107
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,548
It was later named
"The Study Room Kerfuffle."

108
00:04:40,549 --> 00:04:42,251
Protect everyone!
Protect Pillowtown!

109
00:04:42,252 --> 00:04:44,036
Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

110
00:04:44,037 --> 00:04:45,705
Ah, Dean, what do you
want me to say, huh?

111
00:04:45,706 --> 00:04:47,757
I mean, some conflicts
are so pointless,

112
00:04:47,758 --> 00:04:49,408
they just have to play
themselves out.

113
00:04:49,409 --> 00:04:50,843
Fine.

114
00:04:50,844 --> 00:04:52,244
The Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

115
00:04:52,245 --> 00:04:53,913
says Pillowtown has
until midnight tonight

116
00:04:53,914 --> 00:04:56,032
to surrender its territory.

117
00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:58,000
The United Forts of Pillowtown
declines the request.

118
00:04:58,001 --> 00:04:59,518
It's not a request.

119
00:04:59,519 --> 00:05:01,387
I'm giving you an "all tomato,"

120
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,472
meaning that you give me
the whole tomato or else.

121
00:05:03,473 --> 00:05:06,375
Or else what?

122
00:05:08,061 --> 00:05:09,478
See you at midnight.

123
00:05:09,479 --> 00:05:13,599
Oh, my God.

124
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,568
Do people go to classes?

125
00:05:15,569 --> 00:05:17,653
The deadline
divides friendships,

126
00:05:17,654 --> 00:05:19,622
families, even study groups.

127
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,624
Pierce Hawthorne
takes Troy's side,

128
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,410
citing that Abed is weirder
and more foreign.

129
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,379
Shirley Bennett
decides her allegiance

130
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:28,447
in a text message
to her husband.

131
00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:30,166
I'll be home late, sugar boots.

132
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:32,635
Abed hurt Troy's feelings
by being a robot.

133
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,003
Need to stay with my boy
to make sure

134
00:05:34,004 --> 00:05:35,471
Britta doesn't put him
on the weed.

135
00:05:35,472 --> 00:05:37,473
Please record forensic files.

136
00:05:37,474 --> 00:05:39,458
Troy appoints Shirley Bennett

137
00:05:39,459 --> 00:05:41,577
as his second-in-command,
at which point,

138
00:05:41,578 --> 00:05:44,230
Pierce switches to Abed's side.

139
00:05:44,231 --> 00:05:46,849
There were those who thought
that midnight might come and go,

140
00:05:46,850 --> 00:05:48,818
and nothing would happen.

141
00:05:48,819 --> 00:05:52,271
Well, I was in Korea,
and I knew the sound of crap

142
00:05:52,272 --> 00:05:54,991
when it was about
to hit the fan.

143
00:05:54,992 --> 00:05:57,994
You know what it sounded like?

144
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,081
That's right, Jackson.

145
00:06:02,082 --> 00:06:03,950
Silence.

146
00:06:03,951 --> 00:06:07,653
Midnight comes,
and a campus holds its breath.

147
00:06:07,654 --> 00:06:09,538
I know there's a lot
of blanket stackers

148
00:06:09,539 --> 00:06:10,823
and pillow packers out there

149
00:06:10,824 --> 00:06:12,375
thinking it's going
to go down tonight.

150
00:06:12,376 --> 00:06:15,127
But there's a lot of us folks
from the scene in between

151
00:06:15,128 --> 00:06:17,463
saying, "Hey, we're all
looking to chill out

152
00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:19,098
and lay down
with someone special."

153
00:06:19,099 --> 00:06:21,851
This is real Neil
with pipes of steel,

154
00:06:21,852 --> 00:06:24,136
signing of with
the smooth sounds

155
00:06:24,137 --> 00:06:25,221
of daybreak.

156
00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,444
I gotta get this on film.

157
00:06:31,445 --> 00:06:34,196
I am straight trouncing spaz
in go fish.

158
00:06:34,197 --> 00:06:35,481
Dude, what are you doing?

159
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,565
Don't record this.

160
00:06:37,684 --> 00:06:40,202
Wait, did you hear that?

161
00:06:40,203 --> 00:06:42,855
What the hell is that?

162
00:06:42,856 --> 00:06:44,407
12:07 A.M.

163
00:06:44,408 --> 00:06:47,243
Blanketsburg soldiers charge
a pillow fort in the library.

164
00:06:47,244 --> 00:06:49,862
The pillowtonians
move quickly to defend.

165
00:06:49,863 --> 00:06:52,048
There were no rules
in that first battle.

166
00:06:52,049 --> 00:06:53,866
You hit someone,
and if they went down,

167
00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:56,252
you stop hitting them.

168
00:06:56,253 --> 00:06:58,137
Call that Common Courtesy.

169
00:06:58,138 --> 00:07:00,706
Then what if they get up?

170
00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:03,326
Do you maybe keep hitting them
till they learn to stay down?

171
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:06,762
We call that Common Sense.

172
00:07:08,148 --> 00:07:10,049
The battle lasts six minutes.

173
00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:12,385
No territory changes hands.

174
00:07:12,386 --> 00:07:14,603
Blanketsburg
has drawn first blood.

175
00:07:14,604 --> 00:07:17,556
Pillowtown will draw
First Blood part II.

176
00:07:17,557 --> 00:07:22,328
Citizens of Blanketsburg,
I ask you now

177
00:07:22,329 --> 00:07:25,114
to prepare for war.

178
00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:29,535
And I ask Garrett to please fix
the microphone on my laptop.

179
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,737
It's doing that thing again.

180
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,157
The United Forts of Pillowtown

181
00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:38,692
and the Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

182
00:07:38,693 --> 00:07:40,077
are at war,

183
00:07:40,078 --> 00:07:43,447
each side attempting to kick down
and replace the other.

184
00:07:44,549 --> 00:07:46,166
The unmoving line between them

185
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:48,519
is a campus-wide,
fleece-laden strip

186
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,121
of pillow-to-pillow
combat.

187
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,124
Britta Perry attempts to capture

188
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:56,677
the war's
sublime indignities on film.

189
00:07:56,678 --> 00:07:58,745
Unfortunately for Britta

190
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,414
and millions of photographers
like her,

191
00:08:00,415 --> 00:08:02,966
just because something
is in black and white

192
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:05,219
doesn't mean it's good.

193
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:09,139
Rules are agreed upon,
but casualties are inevitable.

194
00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:11,758
Outside the science lab,

195
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:13,510
at the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

196
00:08:13,511 --> 00:08:15,762
Pierce Hawthorne
suffers broken glasses,

197
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:18,598
a hurt finger,
and erectile dysfunction,

198
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:21,034
which, in his words,
had never happened ever

199
00:08:21,035 --> 00:08:22,119
before that battle.

200
00:08:23,271 --> 00:08:25,539
"Pillows, but no sleep.

201
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,624
"Feathers, but no birds.

202
00:08:27,625 --> 00:08:29,293
"Pajamas without children.

203
00:08:29,294 --> 00:08:30,911
"Violence without purpose.

204
00:08:30,912 --> 00:08:34,131
I saw mommy
kissing Exxon Mobil."

205
00:08:34,132 --> 00:08:35,215
Amanda Johnson.

206
00:08:35,216 --> 00:08:38,785
Poet by choice,
lesbian by birth.

207
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,921
Even Jeff Winger,
who, before the war,

208
00:08:40,922 --> 00:08:44,591
lacked interest in it,
has now found a leading role.

209
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,426
Soldiers of Blanketsburg,

210
00:08:46,427 --> 00:08:49,062
we fight not
because we want war.

211
00:08:49,063 --> 00:08:50,430
We fight,

212
00:08:50,431 --> 00:08:52,966
- that we might gain peace!
- Yeah!

213
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,484
Winger's critics suggest

214
00:08:54,485 --> 00:08:57,437
he merely improvised
hot-button patriotic dogma

215
00:08:57,438 --> 00:09:01,909
in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt
to delay schoolwork.

216
00:09:01,910 --> 00:09:04,077
Winger decries
the accusation as,

217
00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:07,664
"A slanderous betrayal
akin to 9/11."

218
00:09:07,665 --> 00:09:09,082
Later after the war,

219
00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:12,769
he would refer to the theory
as "essentially accurate."

220
00:09:12,770 --> 00:09:14,922
Annie Edison provides
humanitarian relief

221
00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:16,406
for both sides.

222
00:09:16,407 --> 00:09:19,426
Her text conversations with
Jeff Winger give us a glimpse

223
00:09:19,427 --> 00:09:22,262
beneath the cushions of war
to the lost pennies

224
00:09:22,263 --> 00:09:26,917
and grody q-tips
of war's emotional toll.

225
00:09:26,918 --> 00:09:29,970
"Jeff, heard from one of
Troy's soldiers about a speech

226
00:09:29,971 --> 00:09:31,688
"you gave to troops
at the blanket fort.

227
00:09:31,689 --> 00:09:33,190
"Wish this war could be over.

228
00:09:33,191 --> 00:09:35,359
But proud of you
for taking a stance."

229
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,543
Text message.

230
00:09:36,544 --> 00:09:38,228
Annie Edison.

231
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,346
"Thank you, Annie.

232
00:09:39,347 --> 00:09:41,181
"I'm proud of you too
and of us all.

233
00:09:41,182 --> 00:09:42,649
"Also with the nightmare
would end.

234
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,035
But using what I'm given
to give what I can."

235
00:09:45,036 --> 00:09:46,353
Jeff Winger.

236
00:09:46,354 --> 00:09:48,205
"Jeff, just heard
from one of Abed's soldiers

237
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:50,523
"that you gave an identical
speech to troops at Pillowtown.

238
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,042
"WTF? Sad face.

239
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,944
Special icon of
a downward thumb."

240
00:09:53,945 --> 00:09:55,545
"Annie, okay, you caught me.

241
00:09:55,546 --> 00:09:57,247
"I prefer war to homework.

242
00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:58,832
"How do you do
that little thumb icon?

243
00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,500
I can't find it on my phone."

244
00:10:00,501 --> 00:10:01,735
Jeff Winger.

245
00:10:01,736 --> 00:10:03,370
"Jeff, you're disgusting.

246
00:10:03,371 --> 00:10:05,555
"Troy and Abed's friendship
is at stake.

247
00:10:05,556 --> 00:10:07,924
"You can buy special icons
and packages at the app store.

248
00:10:07,925 --> 00:10:10,927
Piece of Sushi, birthday cake,
stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

249
00:10:10,928 --> 00:10:12,329
Annie Edison.

250
00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:14,231
Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated

251
00:10:14,232 --> 00:10:15,983
in the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

252
00:10:15,984 --> 00:10:17,884
wants a chance
to redeem himself.

253
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,771
I'm working on something.
Look at this.

254
00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,074
You can build this?

255
00:10:24,075 --> 00:10:26,159
You just give me
the pillows.

256
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,728
I hope to God
we'll never have to use it.

257
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,280
Oh, me too.

258
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:31,648
Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon

259
00:10:31,649 --> 00:10:33,000
find their way to Troy.

260
00:10:33,001 --> 00:10:34,751
Troy Barnes
will take no chances.

261
00:10:34,752 --> 00:10:38,355
He turns to Ben Chang,
Greendale's chief of security,

262
00:10:38,356 --> 00:10:40,424
rumored to be
literally psychotic,

263
00:10:40,425 --> 00:10:44,177
and who has been kept on
the sidelines until this moment.

264
00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:51,301
♪ Go, go, go ♪

265
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,003
♪ I'm a killer, man ♪

266
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:54,604
Aah!

267
00:10:54,605 --> 00:10:56,256
Chang has recruited an army

268
00:10:56,257 --> 00:10:58,525
of preteen security interns

269
00:10:58,526 --> 00:11:01,028
while moonlighting
at a local Bar Mitzvah.

270
00:11:01,029 --> 00:11:04,431
They were later nicknamed
"The Changlorious Basterds,"

271
00:11:04,432 --> 00:11:06,433
like Inglourious Basterds,

272
00:11:06,434 --> 00:11:09,036
but with "Chang"
instead of "In."

273
00:11:09,037 --> 00:11:10,604
I don't get it either.

274
00:11:10,605 --> 00:11:12,706
Most of the soldiers
in this war

275
00:11:12,707 --> 00:11:15,158
hadn't fought
with a pillow in years.

276
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:16,993
These little bastards.

277
00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:19,229
Pillow fighting was
a way of life for them.

278
00:11:19,230 --> 00:11:21,331
One of the interns said
they were making necklaces

279
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:22,799
out of mattress tags.

280
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,669
This is when things get
as ugly as they can get...

281
00:11:25,670 --> 00:11:28,588
While still being
a pillow fight.

282
00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:29,956
"Crazy war, huh?

283
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,342
"I heard Chang's kids
are really ducking stuff up.

284
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:34,344
"Hey, check it out.
I downloaded that thing.

285
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,247
"Birthday cake, birthday cake,
unicorn, woman's shoe.

286
00:11:37,248 --> 00:11:38,248
How's the nurse thing going?"

287
00:11:38,249 --> 00:11:40,801
No response.

288
00:11:40,802 --> 00:11:43,070
You guys like pillows?

289
00:11:43,071 --> 00:11:44,438
How do you like these pillows?

290
00:11:44,439 --> 00:11:47,074
The Changlorious
Basterds have turned the war

291
00:11:47,075 --> 00:11:50,143
into a chaotic sea
of high-thread-count terror.

292
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,279
Under advice
from his top general,

293
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,982
Abed sees no choice but to
unleash his doomsday device.

294
00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:04,040
You're going to die,
you little bastards!

295
00:12:04,041 --> 00:12:05,658
What the heck is that?

296
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,761
He is part man, part pillow...

297
00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:11,348
All carnage.

298
00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:14,384
Pierce Hawthorne
has transformed himself

299
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:18,054
into an unstoppably
plush juggernaut.

300
00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:20,190
Guys, guys, let's retreat.
Go, go!

301
00:12:20,191 --> 00:12:23,009
"The war won't stop with
First Blood part II.

302
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:25,412
"It will escalate to Rambo III,
which should really be called

303
00:12:25,413 --> 00:12:27,347
First Blood part III.

304
00:12:27,348 --> 00:12:29,382
"But the Rambo titles
never made sense.

305
00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:31,101
And neither does war."

306
00:12:31,102 --> 00:12:32,402
Abed Nadir.

307
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,604
Facebook status update.

308
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:36,573
Leonard likes this post.

309
00:12:46,039 --> 00:12:47,473
Why are you ignoring me?

310
00:12:47,474 --> 00:12:48,658
What's the point
of talking to you?

311
00:12:48,659 --> 00:12:50,026
Your words don't mean anything.

312
00:12:50,027 --> 00:12:51,844
They're just things you say
to get what you want.

313
00:12:51,845 --> 00:12:54,697
Well, that's what
conversation is, Annie.

314
00:12:54,698 --> 00:12:56,649
People saying things
to get stuff.

315
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,300
Then maybe you
should just shut up.

316
00:12:58,301 --> 00:13:00,286
Do you ever just...

317
00:13:00,287 --> 00:13:02,355
Write stuff down
in a journal, Jeff?

318
00:13:02,356 --> 00:13:05,057
One you don't show people
or use to get anything with?

319
00:13:05,058 --> 00:13:07,293
A place
that's just for you to...

320
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:08,594
Sort out the truth?

321
00:13:08,595 --> 00:13:09,845
If I write stuff down
in a Hello Kitty book,

322
00:13:09,846 --> 00:13:12,048
will you like me again?

323
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,685
I'm taking that as yes.

324
00:13:15,686 --> 00:13:17,970
The war brings out
the worst in people.

325
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:21,223
Worse yet, Troy's forces
intercept an e-mail

326
00:13:21,224 --> 00:13:23,275
written by Abed
to his commanders,

327
00:13:23,276 --> 00:13:25,428
outlining Troy's weaknesses.

328
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,780
"Troy will hold on
until he is broken emotionally.

329
00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:29,448
"Fortunately,
this will not be hard.

330
00:13:29,449 --> 00:13:31,183
"He gets distracted
by loud noises,

331
00:13:31,184 --> 00:13:33,586
"the color red,
smooth jazz, shiny things

332
00:13:33,587 --> 00:13:35,654
"food smells, music boxes,
bellbottoms,

333
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:38,424
"boobs, barking dogs, and anyone
saying, "Look over there!"

334
00:13:38,425 --> 00:13:40,793
"He's insecure about his level
of intelligence.

335
00:13:40,794 --> 00:13:43,329
"His greatest vulnerability of
all is his emotional frailty.

336
00:13:43,330 --> 00:13:45,047
"It's incredibly easy
to make him cry.

337
00:13:45,048 --> 00:13:46,766
And he's incredibly ashamed
of that fact."

338
00:13:46,767 --> 00:13:48,050
Get away!

339
00:13:48,051 --> 00:13:49,301
Unfortunately,
the only photographer there

340
00:13:49,302 --> 00:13:51,670
to capture the scene
is Britta Perry.

341
00:13:51,671 --> 00:13:54,073
Yeah, gee.

342
00:13:54,074 --> 00:13:55,658
There's a good one.

343
00:13:55,659 --> 00:13:57,426
Pictured here lying down,

344
00:13:57,427 --> 00:14:00,846
Troy's does not take
Abed's e-mail lying down.

345
00:14:00,847 --> 00:14:03,265
"Hey, dick.
Read your dumb e-mail.

346
00:14:03,266 --> 00:14:05,267
"Really enjoyed it.
Guess what?

347
00:14:05,268 --> 00:14:06,652
"You may have been
my best friend,

348
00:14:06,653 --> 00:14:08,571
"but we both know
I was your first friend.

349
00:14:08,572 --> 00:14:10,122
"And what I know
but you don't know

350
00:14:10,123 --> 00:14:11,524
"because you have mental issues

351
00:14:11,525 --> 00:14:13,492
"is that you're never going
to have another friend.

352
00:14:13,493 --> 00:14:16,495
"Because... all caps...
nobody else will ever have

353
00:14:16,496 --> 00:14:18,080
my patience with you."

354
00:14:18,081 --> 00:14:21,584
Troy Barnes.
Four-part text message.

355
00:14:21,585 --> 00:14:23,102
Word got around these two

356
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:25,704
were now hurting
each other's feelings.

357
00:14:25,705 --> 00:14:28,557
And I thought
about what Annie said,

358
00:14:28,558 --> 00:14:30,042
and then I thought about

359
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:32,745
what I might do
to make things right.

360
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,847
At 8:00 P.M.
of the second night,

361
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:37,249
both sides are honoring
an agreed upon cease-fire

362
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:39,802
so that the infantry
can watch the hit TV show

363
00:14:39,803 --> 00:14:41,403
Ski, Shoot, Sing,

364
00:14:41,404 --> 00:14:44,356
a combination biathlon
singing competition,

365
00:14:44,357 --> 00:14:46,308
which was no fun
to watch time-shifted

366
00:14:46,309 --> 00:14:48,644
because then you'd be
the last to know who won.

367
00:14:48,645 --> 00:14:50,179
During the cease-fire,

368
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,566
Jeff summons Troy and Abed
to a secret summit meeting.

369
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,434
- This has to stop.
- Tell him.

370
00:14:55,435 --> 00:14:56,535
Me?
What about your e-mail?

371
00:14:56,536 --> 00:14:57,820
You weren't supposed
to see that.

372
00:14:57,821 --> 00:14:58,904
You weren't supposed
to think those things.

373
00:14:58,905 --> 00:15:01,273
Guys, look at yourselves.

374
00:15:01,274 --> 00:15:02,992
You didn't
used to be like this.

375
00:15:02,993 --> 00:15:06,695
You were Troy and Abed.
Things used to be easy.

376
00:15:06,696 --> 00:15:08,530
He's right.

377
00:15:08,531 --> 00:15:10,916
Our friendship is dead.
What?

378
00:15:10,917 --> 00:15:12,668
Yeah, I think we should agree
right now

379
00:15:12,669 --> 00:15:15,304
that whoever wins this war
can stay in the apartment.

380
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:16,872
Loser has to find a new place.

381
00:15:16,873 --> 00:15:19,875
Agreed.

382
00:15:22,145 --> 00:15:24,763
Uh, I wanted that
to go different.

383
00:15:28,418 --> 00:15:30,269
The North Cafeteria,

384
00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:32,188
named after
admiral William North,

385
00:15:32,189 --> 00:15:35,207
is located in the western
portion of East Hall,

386
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:37,393
gateway to the western half
of North Hall,

387
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,445
which is named
not after William North,

388
00:15:39,446 --> 00:15:41,881
but for its position
above the South Wall.

389
00:15:41,882 --> 00:15:44,566
It is the most contested
and confusing battlefield

390
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:45,985
on Greendale's campus,

391
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:48,170
next to the English Memorial
Spanish Center,

392
00:15:48,171 --> 00:15:50,089
named after English Memorial,

393
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:52,458
a portuguese sailor
that discovered Greendale

394
00:15:52,459 --> 00:15:55,377
while looking for a fountain
that cured syphilis.

395
00:15:55,378 --> 00:15:58,931
In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy
redirects most of his infantry

396
00:15:58,932 --> 00:16:00,182
to the Cafeteria.

397
00:16:00,183 --> 00:16:02,384
They arrive at the same time

398
00:16:02,385 --> 00:16:04,770
as 100 Pillowtown troops.

399
00:16:08,391 --> 00:16:13,229
Just after dawn,
the end of the war begins.

400
00:16:37,754 --> 00:16:39,889
Aah!
Okay, I'm out.

401
00:16:39,890 --> 00:16:41,590
I'm dead, I'm dead.

402
00:16:41,591 --> 00:16:43,008
I'm dead.
I'm dead.

403
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,093
Well, that's it.

404
00:17:18,094 --> 00:17:19,762
I just heard
from the Guinness rep.

405
00:17:19,763 --> 00:17:20,846
He's not coming.

406
00:17:20,847 --> 00:17:23,165
He's been fired,
in what he described

407
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:25,167
as the world's biggest mistake.

408
00:17:25,168 --> 00:17:27,686
I doubt that will make
the next edition.

409
00:17:27,687 --> 00:17:28,971
Anyway, it's over.

410
00:17:28,972 --> 00:17:33,675
What a colossal waste
of 2 1/2 days.

411
00:17:33,676 --> 00:17:36,812
The war has
no more reason to continue,

412
00:17:36,813 --> 00:17:41,350
and yet it does
between the two that began it.

413
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,569
They just kept fighting.

414
00:17:43,570 --> 00:17:48,574
Like, for hours.

415
00:17:48,575 --> 00:17:49,575
Come on, guys.
Let's wrap this up.

416
00:17:49,576 --> 00:17:50,576
I don't want to.

417
00:17:50,577 --> 00:17:52,111
- Me neither.
- Why not?

418
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:53,862
This is going to be the last
thing we ever do together.

419
00:17:53,863 --> 00:17:55,530
We can't stop.

420
00:17:55,531 --> 00:17:58,033
Doesn't that
kind of solve your problem?

421
00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,918
The realization that you
like each other so much,

422
00:17:59,919 --> 00:18:03,538
you'd hit each other
with pillows forever?

423
00:18:03,539 --> 00:18:06,258
Knowing that doesn't
feel like enough anymore.

424
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:07,926
Yeah.
We're grown-ups now.

425
00:18:07,927 --> 00:18:08,961
We have grown-up problems.

426
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:12,298
That's very clear.

427
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:14,900
Unless...

428
00:18:14,901 --> 00:18:17,670
You use those magical friendship
hats that I got for you.

429
00:18:17,671 --> 00:18:20,055
We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

430
00:18:20,056 --> 00:18:21,607
We know you made those
sarcastically.

431
00:18:21,608 --> 00:18:22,775
Yes, yes.

432
00:18:22,776 --> 00:18:24,743
And I will roll my eyes
at both of you

433
00:18:24,744 --> 00:18:28,897
when I put them on your heads
because that's the way I am.

434
00:18:28,898 --> 00:18:33,085
But that's not the way
you have to be.

435
00:18:41,211 --> 00:18:42,411
We might be interested.

436
00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:45,914
Okay, then.

437
00:18:45,915 --> 00:18:48,050
Here's your magical
Friendship Hat, and...

438
00:18:48,051 --> 00:18:50,135
- Jeff.
- What?

439
00:18:50,136 --> 00:18:51,720
You left the magical
Friendship Hats

440
00:18:51,721 --> 00:18:54,089
at the Dean's office.

441
00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:55,224
Right.

442
00:18:55,225 --> 00:18:58,110
Of course.
I'll go get them.

443
00:18:58,111 --> 00:18:59,428
So Jeff went out,

444
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,397
and he stayed out long enough
to make them believe

445
00:19:01,398 --> 00:19:03,449
he had gone back to the office.

446
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:05,501
That was a nice touch.

447
00:19:08,905 --> 00:19:11,323
There you go.

448
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:14,660
Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

449
00:19:18,832 --> 00:19:20,366
Britta Perry
is there to immortalize

450
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,134
the moment on film...

451
00:19:22,135 --> 00:19:24,970
Accidentally while trying
to get a picture of the light

452
00:19:24,971 --> 00:19:27,306
hitting a stack
of nearby waffles.

453
00:19:27,307 --> 00:19:28,974
Pierce, take that off.

454
00:19:28,975 --> 00:19:31,093
I can't hear you!
Your cheeks are in the way.

455
00:19:31,094 --> 00:19:32,895
First entry
in my stupid journal.

456
00:19:32,896 --> 00:19:35,814
Today I had to run and get
two imaginary Friendship Hats

457
00:19:35,815 --> 00:19:37,015
from an office.

458
00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:38,517
I could've just walked
around the corner

459
00:19:38,518 --> 00:19:40,552
and the come back,
but for some reason,

460
00:19:40,553 --> 00:19:42,071
I actually went
all the way back

461
00:19:42,072 --> 00:19:43,638
to where they were
supposed to be.

462
00:19:43,639 --> 00:19:45,774
One was crumpled up a bit.
That was Troy's.

463
00:19:45,775 --> 00:19:48,077
The other was just a little
dusty. That was Abed's.

464
00:19:48,078 --> 00:19:51,230
I fixed them up even though
I was the only one watching

465
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:53,482
because I settled on
a truth today

466
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,167
that's always going to be true.

467
00:19:55,168 --> 00:19:57,819
I would do anything
for my friends,

468
00:19:57,820 --> 00:20:00,205
which I think is how everyone
in the world feels,

469
00:20:00,206 --> 00:20:03,208
which finally makes me
understand war.

470
00:20:04,961 --> 00:20:07,930
Guys...

471
00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:09,598
I wasn't going
to show this to anyone,

472
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,683
but, uh, it's pretty profound.

473
00:20:11,684 --> 00:20:13,519
I kind of nailed it.

474
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,271
If you want, I can read it
in the documentary.

475
00:20:16,272 --> 00:20:18,006
That is,
unless you get Tom Hanks.

476
00:20:18,007 --> 00:20:19,191
We tried to get Tom Hanks,

477
00:20:19,192 --> 00:20:20,509
but he's too expensive.

478
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:23,395
So we used the people involved
for their own voiceover.

479
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,230
Yeah, and I nailed that too.

480
00:20:25,231 --> 00:20:26,532
Why are you here
at the same time as me?

481
00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:27,682
Tight schedule.

482
00:20:27,683 --> 00:20:30,519
- Hey, were you in The Cape?
- No.

483
00:20:38,057 --> 00:20:39,057
Wow.

484
00:20:39,058 --> 00:20:40,508
- Mm.
- I've got goosebumps.

485
00:20:40,509 --> 00:20:41,726
Me too.
Such a great story.

486
00:20:41,727 --> 00:20:43,344
I was on the edge of my seat,
and I was in it.

487
00:20:43,345 --> 00:20:44,812
You want to know what
struck me while I was watching

488
00:20:44,813 --> 00:20:46,230
- that marvelous documentary?
- Hmm?

489
00:20:46,231 --> 00:20:47,799
You can't get quality
programming like that

490
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,534
anywhere else but right here
on Greendale Campus Television.

491
00:20:49,535 --> 00:20:51,319
Just thinking that same thing.

492
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,371
Pillows and Blankets.

493
00:20:53,372 --> 00:20:54,789
Or any of these other
great specials,

494
00:20:54,790 --> 00:20:56,591
A Year in Paris.

495
00:20:56,592 --> 00:20:58,993
The Annie's Boobs Story

496
00:20:58,994 --> 00:21:00,528
or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

497
00:21:00,529 --> 00:21:03,331
Folks, we know you hate
these constant pledge drives.

498
00:21:03,332 --> 00:21:04,665
We know you hate them.
We don't love doing them.

499
00:21:04,666 --> 00:21:05,833
We don't like
doing them either.

500
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:07,469
- I'd rather be at home right now.
- Mm-hmm.

501
00:21:07,470 --> 00:21:09,797
Okay, taking a warm bath
with my wife.

502
00:21:10,764 --> 00:21:13,016
But if you want to help us out,

503
00:21:13,017 --> 00:21:14,798
if you want to help
Greendale Campus Television

504
00:21:14,799 --> 00:21:16,630
to stay on the air,
keep the lights on.

505
00:21:16,631 --> 00:21:18,986
We are literally this close
to losing our...