1
00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:07,411
"Between two groups of people

2
00:00:07,577 --> 00:00:10,167
"who want to make inconsistent
kinds of worlds,

3
00:00:10,222 --> 00:00:12,557
I see no remedy but force."

4
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,567
Oliver Wendell Holmes.

5
00:00:15,791 --> 00:00:17,175
[Sounds of battle]

6
00:00:17,176 --> 00:00:19,627
There was a point
where all I saw were feathers.

7
00:00:19,784 --> 00:00:21,802
Then I started swinging.

8
00:00:21,950 --> 00:00:25,652
And then I hit something
and heard someone fall.

9
00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:29,387
Could've been somebody
from my side.

10
00:00:29,434 --> 00:00:31,085
[Gunshot]

11
00:00:31,116 --> 00:00:33,781
Narrator: In 2012,
Greendale Community College

12
00:00:33,782 --> 00:00:36,472
was the site of the largest
and longest pillow fight

13
00:00:36,473 --> 00:00:38,028
in community college history.

14
00:00:38,109 --> 00:00:40,968
It shaped and scarred
the landscape of their campus

15
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,649
and forever changed the lives
of those involved.

16
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,079
[Somber patriotic music]

17
00:00:45,341 --> 00:00:47,200
A health care
administration student,

18
00:00:47,249 --> 00:00:50,232
who turned the storage room
into a sanctuary for soldiers

19
00:00:50,233 --> 00:00:53,436
with broken glasses
and lightly grazed testicles.

20
00:00:54,017 --> 00:00:56,470
A high school dropout
and amateur photographer

21
00:00:56,486 --> 00:00:57,920
whose borrowed camera
would capture

22
00:00:57,921 --> 00:01:01,202
some of the war's blurriest,
most poorly framed moments.

23
00:01:01,276 --> 00:01:02,518
[Gunshots]

24
00:01:03,085 --> 00:01:04,796
A disgraced former lawyer

25
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,372
whose words would inspire
tens of students

26
00:01:07,373 --> 00:01:08,975
to take up pillows and fight,

27
00:01:08,976 --> 00:01:11,828
most likely to avoid
an upcoming test.

28
00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:14,897
A loving wife and mother
who would prove to be

29
00:01:14,898 --> 00:01:18,447
as skilled at kicking asses
as she was at wiping them.

30
00:01:19,221 --> 00:01:22,213
The dried-up heir
to a moist towelette empire,

31
00:01:22,214 --> 00:01:24,346
who would prove to be
the dried-up heir

32
00:01:24,347 --> 00:01:26,394
to a moist towelette empire.

33
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,621
The sensitive
high school quarterback

34
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,979
who became commander in chief
of his own army.

35
00:01:31,384 --> 00:01:33,885
He would later say of the war,
"it was awesome,

36
00:01:33,984 --> 00:01:36,513
but also, it wasn't?"

37
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,054
And his socially
dysfunctional best friend

38
00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:40,769
turned bitter rival,

39
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:44,025
an uncompromising tactical
mastermind feared by all

40
00:01:44,026 --> 00:01:46,021
yet unable to pay
parking tickets

41
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,311
or know left from right

44
00:01:51,927 --> 00:01:54,065
into a conflict lasting days,

45
00:01:54,066 --> 00:01:55,516
costing hundreds of dollars

46
00:01:55,603 --> 00:01:58,572
and resulting in
over 12 transfers.

47
00:01:58,925 --> 00:02:02,117
There are people who say,
"I don't get it.

48
00:02:02,342 --> 00:02:03,992
So it was a pillow fight,"

49
00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:05,721
to which I say...

50
00:02:05,853 --> 00:02:08,855
"You weren't there."

51
00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:11,947
Sync and corrections by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

52
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:15,184
Jeffrey, you have to come
mediate Troy and Abed.

53
00:02:15,185 --> 00:02:17,533
They look up to you.
What's with the film crew?

54
00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:20,211
- Don't worry about that.
- Oh, I am worried about that.

55
00:02:20,212 --> 00:02:21,546
If there's one thing
I've learned at this place,

56
00:02:21,547 --> 00:02:22,907
it's that a film crew
means disaster.

57
00:02:22,908 --> 00:02:24,729
Okay, they are here to document

58
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:25,901
Greendale's guinness record,

59
00:02:25,902 --> 00:02:27,801
which you are going
to make sure we get

60
00:02:27,850 --> 00:02:29,751
by talking to Troy and Abed
right now.

61
00:02:29,791 --> 00:02:31,192
- This is your fault.
- No, it's your fault.

62
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,159
- This is your fault.
- Your fault.

63
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,066
- Your fault!
- Your fault!

64
00:02:33,094 --> 00:02:35,363
Okay, I've got good news
for both of you.

65
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,698
Neither of you has to apologize
because what you're doing

66
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,883
is equally ridiculous.

67
00:02:38,884 --> 00:02:40,534
So here's the solution
I'm pitching.

68
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,437
I'm giving you two
imaginary Friendship Hats

69
00:02:43,438 --> 00:02:45,156
that automatically
make you friends again.

70
00:02:45,157 --> 00:02:46,991
Are we done?

71
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,610
Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's
a little more serious than that.

72
00:02:49,611 --> 00:02:50,711
No, it's not.

73
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,914
You're children
acting like grown-ups.

74
00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:53,898
I mean, it's fine.

75
00:02:53,899 --> 00:02:55,640
But just don't pretend
it's anything but that.

76
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:56,694
[Upbeat banjo tune]

77
00:02:56,724 --> 00:02:59,076
Narrator:
Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

78
00:02:59,116 --> 00:03:01,256
Friends so close,
they once graced the cover

79
00:03:01,257 --> 00:03:04,983
of Friends Weekly, a pretend
magazine of their own design.

80
00:03:05,316 --> 00:03:07,635
Earlier that day,
they begin construction

81
00:03:07,636 --> 00:03:09,392
on a fort made of pillows.

82
00:03:09,393 --> 00:03:11,494
Its name...
New Fluffytown.

83
00:03:11,628 --> 00:03:15,450
Its goal... to be a newer,
fluffier town than Fluffytown,

84
00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:17,976
their blanket fort
from the previous year.

85
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:20,937
New Fluffytown
don't care who you were.

86
00:03:20,970 --> 00:03:24,373
You were surrounded
by softness.

87
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:27,518
It's just like crawling
through a hug.

88
00:03:27,556 --> 00:03:28,556
Well...

89
00:03:29,026 --> 00:03:32,428
I guess all hugs
have to come to an end.

90
00:03:33,695 --> 00:03:36,480
Narrator: When an opportunity
arises for a world record,

91
00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:38,562
it creates a rift.

92
00:03:38,563 --> 00:03:40,331
Troy wants to go for the record

93
00:03:40,332 --> 00:03:43,034
using blankets
for rapid expansion.

94
00:03:43,035 --> 00:03:44,986
Abed insists on pillows,

95
00:03:44,987 --> 00:03:47,538
declaring world records
to be dumb.

96
00:03:47,539 --> 00:03:49,707
Troy declares
the Declaration Lame,

97
00:03:49,708 --> 00:03:52,877
stating that thinking records
are dumb is stupid.

98
00:03:52,878 --> 00:03:55,029
He secedes from New Fluffytown

99
00:03:55,030 --> 00:03:57,164
and begins constructing
Blanketsburg

100
00:03:57,165 --> 00:03:58,749
on the other side
of the campus.

101
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:00,918
Abed renames his fort
Pillowtown

102
00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:02,720
for the sake
of conceptual symmetry.

103
00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:07,391
Both forts expand until both
are in each other's way.

104
00:04:07,392 --> 00:04:09,426
Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,

105
00:04:09,427 --> 00:04:11,763
things quickly reach
their boiling point.

106
00:04:11,846 --> 00:04:13,704
- You stand back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.

107
00:04:13,815 --> 00:04:16,567
- My name is Alex!
- [Shrieks]

108
00:04:16,568 --> 00:04:19,403
Narrator: A softly lobbed,
hypoallergenic sealy select

109
00:04:19,404 --> 00:04:21,038
in a floral print case

110
00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:23,241
collides with
a load-bearing broomstick,

111
00:04:23,242 --> 00:04:26,537
collapsing a queen-sized section
of blanket fort.

112
00:04:26,562 --> 00:04:28,496
<i>You saw that. They knocked it down!</i>

113
00:04:28,645 --> 00:04:31,117
[Overlapping shouting]

114
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:34,051
[Shouts indistinctly]

115
00:04:38,622 --> 00:04:41,850
Narrator: It was later named
"The Study Room Kerfuffle."

116
00:04:41,886 --> 00:04:43,588
Protect everyone!
Protect Pillowtown!

117
00:04:43,645 --> 00:04:45,199
Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

118
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,868
Ah, Dean, what do you
want me to say, huh?

119
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,216
I mean, some conflicts
are so pointless,

120
00:04:49,244 --> 00:04:50,894
they just have to play
themselves out.

121
00:04:50,981 --> 00:04:52,026
Fine.

122
00:04:52,237 --> 00:04:53,637
The Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

123
00:04:53,638 --> 00:04:55,306
says Pillowtown has
until midnight tonight

124
00:04:55,307 --> 00:04:56,964
to surrender its territory.

125
00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:59,308
The United Forts of Pillowtown
declines the request.

126
00:04:59,394 --> 00:05:00,810
It's not a request.

127
00:05:00,912 --> 00:05:02,715
I'm giving you an "all tomato,"

128
00:05:02,781 --> 00:05:05,084
meaning that you give me
the whole tomato or else.

129
00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:06,890
Or else what?

130
00:05:06,933 --> 00:05:09,121
[Militaristic drum roll]

131
00:05:09,344 --> 00:05:10,761
See you at midnight.

132
00:05:10,872 --> 00:05:13,537
Oh, my God.

133
00:05:14,993 --> 00:05:16,961
Do people go to classes?

134
00:05:16,962 --> 00:05:19,046
Narrator: The deadline
divides friendships,

135
00:05:19,047 --> 00:05:21,015
families, even study groups.

136
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,017
Pierce Hawthorne
takes Troy's side,

137
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,803
citing that Abed is weirder
and more foreign.

138
00:05:25,804 --> 00:05:27,772
Shirley Bennett
decides her allegiance

139
00:05:27,773 --> 00:05:29,840
in a text message
to her husband.

140
00:05:29,841 --> 00:05:31,559
I'll be home late, sugar boots.

141
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,841
Abed hurt Troy's feelings
by being a robot.

142
00:05:33,896 --> 00:05:35,373
Need to stay with my boy
to make sure

143
00:05:35,397 --> 00:05:36,864
Britta doesn't put him
on the weed.

144
00:05:36,865 --> 00:05:38,761
Please record forensic files.

145
00:05:38,811 --> 00:05:40,795
Narrator:
Troy appoints Shirley Bennett

146
00:05:40,852 --> 00:05:42,970
as his second-in-command,
at which point,

147
00:05:42,971 --> 00:05:45,495
Pierce switches to Abed's side.

148
00:05:45,624 --> 00:05:48,242
There were those who thought
that midnight might come and go,

149
00:05:48,243 --> 00:05:50,040
and nothing would happen.

150
00:05:50,212 --> 00:05:53,664
Well, I was in Korea,
and I knew the sound of crap

151
00:05:53,665 --> 00:05:56,384
when it was about
to hit the fan.

152
00:05:56,455 --> 00:05:59,457
You know what it sounded like?

153
00:06:01,673 --> 00:06:03,474
That's right, Jackson.

154
00:06:03,912 --> 00:06:05,314
Silence.

155
00:06:05,344 --> 00:06:09,046
Narrator: Midnight comes,
and a campus holds its breath.

156
00:06:09,047 --> 00:06:10,931
I know there's a lot
of blanket stackers

157
00:06:10,932 --> 00:06:12,216
and pillow packers out there

158
00:06:12,217 --> 00:06:13,768
thinking it's going
to go down tonight.

159
00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:16,520
But there's a lot of us folks
from the scene in between

160
00:06:16,521 --> 00:06:18,856
saying, "Hey, we're all
looking to chill out

161
00:06:18,857 --> 00:06:20,491
and lay down
with someone special."

162
00:06:20,492 --> 00:06:23,244
This is real Neil
with pipes of steel,

163
00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:25,529
signing of with
the smooth sounds

164
00:06:25,530 --> 00:06:26,614
of daybreak.

165
00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:29,617
[Daybreak plays]

166
00:06:29,618 --> 00:06:31,208
♪ ♪

167
00:06:31,269 --> 00:06:32,808
I gotta get this on film.

168
00:06:32,838 --> 00:06:35,589
I am straight trouncing spaz
in go fish.

169
00:06:35,590 --> 00:06:36,874
- [Laughs]
- Dude, what are you doing?

170
00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:37,958
Don't record this.

171
00:06:37,959 --> 00:06:39,076
[Music stops]

172
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:40,827
Wait, did you hear that?

173
00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:43,911
- [People screaming]
- What the hell is that?

174
00:06:44,249 --> 00:06:45,800
Narrator: 12:07 A.M.

175
00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:48,636
Blanketsburg soldiers charge
a pillow fort in the library.

176
00:06:48,637 --> 00:06:51,255
The pillowtonians
move quickly to defend.

177
00:06:51,256 --> 00:06:53,441
There were no rules
in that first battle.

178
00:06:53,832 --> 00:06:55,649
You hit someone,
and if they went down,

179
00:06:55,689 --> 00:06:57,578
you stop hitting them.

180
00:06:57,646 --> 00:06:59,530
Call that Common Courtesy.

181
00:07:00,132 --> 00:07:01,664
Then what if they get up?

182
00:07:01,693 --> 00:07:04,890
Do you maybe keep hitting them
till they learn to stay down?

183
00:07:05,368 --> 00:07:07,938
We call that Common Sense.

184
00:07:07,975 --> 00:07:09,359
[Gunshot]

185
00:07:09,541 --> 00:07:11,442
Narrator:
The battle lasts six minutes.

186
00:07:11,443 --> 00:07:13,778
No territory changes hands.

187
00:07:13,779 --> 00:07:15,996
Blanketsburg
has drawn first blood.

188
00:07:15,997 --> 00:07:18,949
Pillowtown will draw
First Blood part II.

189
00:07:18,950 --> 00:07:24,407
Citizens of Blanketsburg,
I ask you now

190
00:07:24,605 --> 00:07:26,681
to prepare for war.

191
00:07:26,788 --> 00:07:31,145
And I ask Garrett to please fix
the microphone on my laptop.

192
00:07:31,177 --> 00:07:33,378
[Echoing]
It's doing that thing again.

193
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,988
The United Forts of Pillowtown

194
00:07:37,989 --> 00:07:39,523
and the Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg

195
00:07:39,609 --> 00:07:40,993
are at war,

196
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:44,363
each side attempting to kick down
and replace the other.

197
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,464
[Gunshot]

198
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,082
The unmoving line between them

199
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:49,435
is a campus-wide,
fleece-laden strip

200
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:52,037
of pillow-to-pillow
combat.

201
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,155
[Grunts]

202
00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:55,040
Narrator:
Britta Perry attempts to capture

203
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,593
the war's
sublime indignities on film.

204
00:07:58,328 --> 00:07:59,727
Unfortunately for Britta

205
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,615
and millions of photographers
like her,

206
00:08:01,745 --> 00:08:03,926
just because something
is in black and white

207
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,095
doesn't mean it's good.

208
00:08:06,284 --> 00:08:10,203
Rules are agreed upon,
but casualties are inevitable.

209
00:08:11,128 --> 00:08:12,621
Narrator:
Outside the science lab,

210
00:08:12,675 --> 00:08:14,426
at the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

211
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,194
Pierce Hawthorne
suffers broken glasses,

212
00:08:17,195 --> 00:08:19,809
a hurt finger,
and erectile dysfunction,

213
00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:22,267
which, in his words,
had never happened ever

214
00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:23,352
before that battle.

215
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:24,201
[Gunshot]

216
00:08:24,288 --> 00:08:26,447
"Pillows, but no sleep.

217
00:08:26,542 --> 00:08:28,487
"Feathers, but no birds.

218
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,209
"Pajamas without children.

219
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,827
"Violence without purpose.

220
00:08:31,992 --> 00:08:34,937
I saw mommy
kissing Exxon Mobil."

221
00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:36,373
Amanda Johnson.

222
00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:39,644
Poet by choice,
lesbian by birth.

223
00:08:39,702 --> 00:08:41,888
Narrator: Even Jeff Winger,
who, before the war,

224
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:45,343
lacked interest in it,
has now found a leading role.

225
00:08:45,414 --> 00:08:47,248
Soldiers of Blanketsburg,

226
00:08:47,632 --> 00:08:50,267
we fight not
because we want war.

227
00:08:50,377 --> 00:08:51,744
We fight,

228
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:54,072
- that we might gain peace!
- All: Yeah!

229
00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:55,626
Narrator:
Winger's critics suggest

230
00:08:55,627 --> 00:08:58,904
he merely improvised
hot-button patriotic dogma

231
00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:02,741
in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt
to delay schoolwork.

232
00:09:02,826 --> 00:09:04,887
Winger decries
the accusation as,

233
00:09:04,888 --> 00:09:08,474
"A slanderous betrayal
akin to 9/11."

234
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:09,998
Later after the war,

235
00:09:09,999 --> 00:09:13,530
he would refer to the theory
as "essentially accurate."

236
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:16,318
Annie Edison provides
humanitarian relief

237
00:09:16,319 --> 00:09:17,631
for both sides.

238
00:09:17,729 --> 00:09:20,705
Her text conversations with
Jeff Winger give us a glimpse

239
00:09:20,706 --> 00:09:23,289
beneath the cushions of war
to the lost pennies

240
00:09:23,290 --> 00:09:27,579
and grody q-tips
of war's emotional toll.

241
00:09:28,186 --> 00:09:31,026
"Jeff, heard from one of
Troy's soldiers about a speech

242
00:09:31,027 --> 00:09:32,568
"you gave to troops
at the blanket fort.

243
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:34,106
"Wish this war could be over.

244
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,275
But proud of you
for taking a stance."

245
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,459
Text message.

246
00:09:37,460 --> 00:09:39,144
Annie Edison.

247
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,262
"Thank you, Annie.

248
00:09:40,263 --> 00:09:42,097
"I'm proud of you too
and of us all.

249
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:43,565
"Also with the nightmare
would end.

250
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:45,951
But using what I'm given
to give what I can."

251
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,269
Jeff Winger.

252
00:09:47,270 --> 00:09:49,229
"Jeff, just heard
from one of Abed's soldiers

253
00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:51,513
"that you gave an identical
speech to troops at Pillowtown.

254
00:09:51,514 --> 00:09:53,063
"WTF? Sad face.

255
00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:54,775
Special icon of
a downward thumb."

256
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,461
"Annie, okay, you caught me.

257
00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:58,163
"I prefer war to homework.

258
00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,748
"How do you do
that little thumb icon?

259
00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:01,416
I can't find it on my phone."

260
00:10:01,417 --> 00:10:02,651
Jeff Winger.

261
00:10:02,652 --> 00:10:04,286
"Jeff, you're disgusting.

262
00:10:04,287 --> 00:10:06,303
"Troy and Abed's friendship
is at stake.

263
00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:08,840
"You can buy special icons
and packages at the app store.

264
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:11,843
Piece of Sushi, birthday cake,
stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

265
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,245
Annie Edison.

266
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,317
Narrator:
Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated

267
00:10:15,318 --> 00:10:17,010
in the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,

268
00:10:17,011 --> 00:10:18,910
wants a chance
to redeem himself.

269
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,982
I'm working on something.
Look at this.

270
00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:24,990
You can build this?

271
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,075
[Chuckles] You just give me
the pillows.

272
00:10:28,107 --> 00:10:29,863
I hope to God
we'll never have to use it.

273
00:10:29,864 --> 00:10:31,125
Oh, me too.

274
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,564
Narrator:
Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon

275
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,916
find their way to Troy.

276
00:10:33,917 --> 00:10:35,944
Troy Barnes
will take no chances.

277
00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:39,383
He turns to Ben Chang,
Greendale's chief of security,

278
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:41,488
rumored to be
literally psychotic,

279
00:10:41,536 --> 00:10:45,028
and who has been kept on
the sidelines until this moment.

280
00:10:45,094 --> 00:10:47,045
[Calming music]

281
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,847
[People screaming]

282
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:50,332
[Rap music]

283
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,217
♪ Go, go, go ♪

284
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,919
♪ I'm a killer, man ♪

285
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,520
Aah!

286
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:57,172
Narrator:
Chang has recruited an army

287
00:10:57,173 --> 00:10:59,441
of preteen security interns

288
00:10:59,442 --> 00:11:01,944
while moonlighting
at a local Bar Mitzvah.

289
00:11:01,945 --> 00:11:05,347
They were later nicknamed
"The Changlorious Basterds,"

290
00:11:05,348 --> 00:11:07,349
like Inglourious Basterds,

291
00:11:07,350 --> 00:11:09,720
but with "Chang"
instead of "In."

292
00:11:10,164 --> 00:11:11,731
I don't get it either.

293
00:11:11,848 --> 00:11:13,710
Most of the soldiers
in this war

294
00:11:13,711 --> 00:11:16,039
hadn't fought
with a pillow in years.

295
00:11:16,215 --> 00:11:18,000
These little bastards.

296
00:11:18,039 --> 00:11:20,274
Pillow fighting was
a way of life for them.

297
00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:22,367
One of the interns said
they were making necklaces

298
00:11:22,368 --> 00:11:23,834
out of mattress tags.

299
00:11:23,997 --> 00:11:26,687
This is when things get
as ugly as they can get...

300
00:11:26,773 --> 00:11:29,385
While still being
a pillow fight.

301
00:11:29,505 --> 00:11:30,872
"Crazy war, huh?

302
00:11:30,873 --> 00:11:33,258
"I heard Chang's kids
are really ducking stuff up.

303
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:35,260
"Hey, check it out.
I downloaded that thing.

304
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,163
"Birthday cake, birthday cake,
unicorn, woman's shoe.

305
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:39,164
How's the nurse thing going?"

306
00:11:40,017 --> 00:11:41,648
No response.

307
00:11:41,718 --> 00:11:43,986
- [Sobbing]
- You guys like pillows?

308
00:11:43,987 --> 00:11:45,354
How do you like these pillows?

309
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:47,854
Narrator: The Changlorious
Basterds have turned the war

310
00:11:47,855 --> 00:11:50,922
into a chaotic sea
of high-thread-count terror.

311
00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:53,266
Under advice
from his top general,

312
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:56,798
Abed sees no choice but to
unleash his doomsday device.

313
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,985
[Indistinct shouting]

314
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:04,956
You're going to die,
you little [bleep] bastards!

315
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:06,574
What the heck is that?

316
00:12:06,575 --> 00:12:08,676
Narrator:
He is part man, part pillow...

317
00:12:08,677 --> 00:12:11,587
All carnage.

318
00:12:11,787 --> 00:12:12,787
[Screaming]

319
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:15,559
Pierce Hawthorne
has transformed himself

320
00:12:15,582 --> 00:12:18,906
into an unstoppably
plush juggernaut.

321
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:21,106
Guys, guys, let's retreat.
Go, go!

322
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,740
"The war won't stop with
First Blood part II.

323
00:12:23,816 --> 00:12:26,457
"It will escalate to Rambo III,
which should really be called

324
00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:28,157
"Rambo II:
First Blood part III.

325
00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:30,298
"But the Rambo titles
never made sense.

326
00:12:30,470 --> 00:12:31,964
And neither does war."

327
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,318
Abed Nadir.

328
00:12:33,474 --> 00:12:35,433
Facebook status update.

329
00:12:35,794 --> 00:12:37,762
Leonard likes this post.

330
00:12:46,326 --> 00:12:47,760
Why are you ignoring me?

331
00:12:47,804 --> 00:12:48,988
What's the point
of talking to you?

332
00:12:49,052 --> 00:12:50,298
Your words don't mean anything.

333
00:12:50,299 --> 00:12:52,117
They're just things you say
to get what you want.

334
00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:55,066
Well, that's what
conversation is, Annie.

335
00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:56,895
People saying things
to get stuff.

336
00:12:56,964 --> 00:12:58,614
Then maybe you
should just shut up.

337
00:12:59,537 --> 00:13:00,743
Do you ever just...

338
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,695
Write stuff down
in a journal, Jeff?

339
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:05,450
One you don't show people
or use to get anything with?

340
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,389
A place
that's just for you to...

341
00:13:07,475 --> 00:13:08,512
Sort out the truth?

342
00:13:08,558 --> 00:13:10,206
If I write stuff down
in a Hello Kitty book,

343
00:13:10,239 --> 00:13:12,441
will you like me again?

344
00:13:12,442 --> 00:13:13,525
[Sighs]

345
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,078
I'm taking that as yes.

346
00:13:16,079 --> 00:13:18,363
Narrator: The war brings out
the worst in people.

347
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:21,616
Worse yet, Troy's forces
intercept an e-mail

348
00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:23,668
written by Abed
to his commanders,

349
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,821
outlining Troy's weaknesses.

350
00:13:25,822 --> 00:13:28,173
"Troy will hold on
until he is broken emotionally.

351
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,841
"Fortunately,
this will not be hard.

352
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,576
"He gets distracted
by loud noises,

353
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,979
"the color red,
smooth jazz, shiny things

354
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,047
"food smells, music boxes,
bellbottoms,

355
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:38,817
"boobs, barking dogs, and anyone
saying, "Look over there!"

356
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,186
"He's insecure about his level
of intelligence.

357
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,722
"His greatest vulnerability of
all is his emotional frailty.

358
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,440
"It's incredibly easy
to make him cry.

359
00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:46,855
And he's incredibly ashamed
of that fact."

360
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:47,652
Get away!

361
00:13:47,717 --> 00:13:49,639
Narrator: Unfortunately,
the only photographer there

362
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,063
to capture the scene
is Britta Perry.

363
00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:54,466
[Camera snaps] Yeah, gee.

364
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,051
There's a good one.

365
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:57,819
Pictured here lying down,

366
00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:01,239
Troy's does not take
Abed's e-mail lying down.

367
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,658
"Hey, dick.
Read your dumb e-mail.

368
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,660
"Really enjoyed it.
Guess what?

369
00:14:05,661 --> 00:14:07,045
"You may have been
my best friend,

370
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:08,964
"but we both know
I was your first friend.

371
00:14:08,965 --> 00:14:10,515
"And what I know
but you don't know

372
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:11,917
"because you have mental issues

373
00:14:11,918 --> 00:14:13,885
"is that you're never going
to have another friend.

374
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:16,888
"Because... all caps...
NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER HAVE

375
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,473
MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!"

376
00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:21,977
Troy Barnes.
Four-part text message.

377
00:14:21,978 --> 00:14:23,495
Word got around these two

378
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:26,097
were now hurting
each ether's feelings.

379
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:28,950
And I thought
about what Annie said,

380
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,435
and then I thought about

381
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:33,138
what I might do
to make things right.

382
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:35,240
Narrator: At 8:00 P.M.
of the second night,

383
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,642
both sides are honoring
an agreed upon cease-fire

384
00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:40,195
so that the infantry
can watch the hit TV show

385
00:14:40,196 --> 00:14:41,796
Ski, Shoot, Sing,

386
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,749
a combination biathlon
singing competition,

387
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,701
which was no fun
to watch time-shifted

388
00:14:46,702 --> 00:14:49,037
because then you'd be
the last to know who won.

389
00:14:49,038 --> 00:14:50,572
During the cease-fire,

390
00:14:50,573 --> 00:14:53,959
Jeff summons Troy and Abed
to a secret summit meeting.

391
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,827
- This has to stop.
- Tell him.

392
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,217
Me?
What about your e-mail?

393
00:14:57,218 --> 00:14:58,188
You weren't supposed
to see that.

394
00:14:58,214 --> 00:14:59,297
You weren't supposed
to think those things.

395
00:14:59,298 --> 00:15:01,666
Guys, look at yourselves.

396
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,385
You didn't
used to be like this.

397
00:15:03,386 --> 00:15:07,088
You were Troy and Abed.
Things used to be easy.

398
00:15:07,089 --> 00:15:08,923
He's right.

399
00:15:08,924 --> 00:15:11,309
Our friendship is dead.
What?

400
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,061
Yeah, I think we should agree
right now

401
00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:15,697
that whoever wins this war
can stay in the apartment.

402
00:15:15,698 --> 00:15:17,265
Loser has to find a new place.

403
00:15:17,266 --> 00:15:20,268
Agreed.

404
00:15:22,538 --> 00:15:25,156
Uh, I wanted that
to go different.

405
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:28,810
[Dramatic music]

406
00:15:28,811 --> 00:15:30,662
Narrator:
The North Cafeteria,

407
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,581
named after
admiral William North,

408
00:15:32,582 --> 00:15:35,600
is located in the western
portion of East Hall,

409
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,786
gateway to the western half
of North Hall,

410
00:15:37,787 --> 00:15:39,838
which is named
not after William North,

411
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,274
but for its position
above the South Wall.

412
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,959
It is the most contested
and confusing battlefield

413
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,378
on Greendale's campus,

414
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,563
next to the English Memorial
Spanish Center,

415
00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,482
named after English Memorial,

416
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,851
a portuguese sailor
that discovered Greendale

417
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:55,770
while looking for a fountain
that cured syphilis.

418
00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:59,324
In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy
redirects most of his infantry

419
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:00,575
to the Cafeteria.

420
00:16:00,576 --> 00:16:02,777
They arrive at the same time

421
00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:05,163
as 100 Pillowtown troops.

422
00:16:08,784 --> 00:16:13,622
Just after dawn,
the end of the war begins.

423
00:16:13,623 --> 00:16:16,791
[Overlapping shouting]

424
00:16:16,792 --> 00:16:19,794
[Somber music]

425
00:16:19,795 --> 00:16:24,349
♪ ♪

426
00:16:28,671 --> 00:16:32,173
[Cackling]

427
00:16:32,174 --> 00:16:33,774
♪ ♪

428
00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:40,282
Aah!
Okay, I'm out.

429
00:16:40,283 --> 00:16:41,983
[Grunts] I'm dead, I'm dead.

430
00:16:41,984 --> 00:16:43,401
I'm dead.
I'm dead.

431
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,971
♪ ♪

432
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,974
[Heroic music]

433
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,575
♪ ♪

434
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:17,352
[Whistle blowing]

435
00:17:17,353 --> 00:17:18,486
Well, that's it.

436
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:20,155
I just heard
from the Guinness rep.

437
00:17:20,156 --> 00:17:21,239
He's not coming.

438
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,558
He's been fired,
in what he described

439
00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:25,560
as the world's biggest mistake.

440
00:17:25,561 --> 00:17:28,079
I doubt that will make
the next edition.

441
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,364
Anyway, it's over.

442
00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:34,068
What a colossal waste
of 21/2 days.

443
00:17:34,069 --> 00:17:37,205
Narrator: The war has
no more reason to continue,

444
00:17:37,206 --> 00:17:41,743
and yet it does
between the two that began it.

445
00:17:41,744 --> 00:17:43,962
They just kept fighting.

446
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:47,863
Like, for hours.

447
00:17:48,655 --> 00:17:50,497
Come on, guys.
Let's wrap this up.

448
00:17:50,498 --> 00:17:51,278
I don't want to.

449
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,484
- Me neither.
- Why not?

450
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,255
This is going to be the last
thing we ever do together.

451
00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:55,923
We can't stop.

452
00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:58,426
Doesn't that
kind of solve your problem?

453
00:17:58,427 --> 00:18:00,311
The realization that you
like each other so much,

454
00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:03,931
you'd hit each other
with pillows forever?

455
00:18:03,932 --> 00:18:06,651
Knowing that doesn't
feel like enough anymore.

456
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,319
Yeah.
We're grown-ups now.

457
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:09,354
We have grown-up problems.

458
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:12,691
That's very clear.

459
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:15,293
Unless...

460
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:18,063
You use those magical friendship
hats that I got for you.

461
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,448
We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

462
00:18:20,449 --> 00:18:22,000
We know you made those
sarcastically.

463
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,168
Yes, yes.

464
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:25,136
And I will roll my eyes
at both of you

465
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:29,290
when I put them on your heads
because that's the way I am.

466
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:33,478
But that's not the way
you have to be.

467
00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:42,804
We might be interested.

468
00:18:42,805 --> 00:18:46,307
Okay, then.

469
00:18:46,308 --> 00:18:48,443
Here's your magical
Friendship Hat, and...

470
00:18:48,444 --> 00:18:50,528
- Jeff.
- What?

471
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,113
You left the magical
Friendship Hats

472
00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:54,482
at the Dean's office.

473
00:18:54,483 --> 00:18:55,617
Right.

474
00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:58,503
Of course.
I'll go get them.

475
00:18:58,504 --> 00:18:59,821
So Jeff went out,

476
00:18:59,822 --> 00:19:01,790
and he stayed out long enough
to make them believe

477
00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:03,842
he had gone back to the office.

478
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,894
That was a nice touch.
[Laughs]

479
00:19:09,298 --> 00:19:11,716
There you go.

480
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:15,053
Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

481
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,224
[Camera snaps]

482
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:20,759
Narrator: Britta Perry
is there to immortalize

483
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,527
the moment on film...

484
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:25,363
Accidentally while trying
to get a picture of the light

485
00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:27,699
hitting a stack
of nearby waffles.

486
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,367
Pierce, take that off.

487
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:31,486
I can't hear you!
Your cheeks are in the way.

488
00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:33,288
First entry
in my stupid journal.

489
00:19:33,289 --> 00:19:36,207
Today I had to run and get
two imaginary Friendship Hats

490
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:37,408
from an office.

491
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:38,910
I could've just walked
around the corner

492
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,945
and the come back,
but for some reason,

493
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,464
I actually went
all the way back

494
00:19:42,465 --> 00:19:44,031
to where they were
supposed to be.

495
00:19:44,032 --> 00:19:46,167
One was crumpled up a bit.
That was Troy's.

496
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,470
The other was just a little
dusty. That was Abed's.

497
00:19:48,471 --> 00:19:51,623
I fixed them up even though
I was the only one watching

498
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,875
because I settled on
a truth today

499
00:19:53,876 --> 00:19:55,560
that's always going to be true.

500
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:58,212
I would do anything
for my friends,

501
00:19:58,213 --> 00:20:00,598
which I think is how everyone
in the world feels,

502
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,601
which finally makes me
understand war.

503
00:20:05,354 --> 00:20:08,323
Guys...

504
00:20:08,324 --> 00:20:09,991
I wasn't going
to show this to anyone,

505
00:20:09,992 --> 00:20:12,076
but, uh, it's pretty profound.

506
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:13,912
I kind of nailed it.

507
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,664
If you want, I can read it
in the documentary.

508
00:20:16,665 --> 00:20:18,399
That is,
unless you get Tom Hanks.

509
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,584
Narrator:
We tried to get Tom Hanks,

510
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:20,757
but he's too expensive.

511
00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:23,678
So we used the people involved
for their own voiceover.

512
00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:25,390
Yeah, and I nailed that too.

513
00:20:25,435 --> 00:20:27,052
Narrator: Why are you here
at the same time as me?

514
00:20:27,053 --> 00:20:27,887
Tight schedule.

515
00:20:27,888 --> 00:20:31,193
- Hey, were you in The Cape?
- No.

516
00:20:32,911 --> 00:20:33,911
[Phone rings] Wow.

517
00:20:33,921 --> 00:20:35,371
- Mm.
- I've got goosebumps.

518
00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:36,589
Me too.
Such a great story.

519
00:20:36,590 --> 00:20:38,207
I was on the edge of my seat,
and I was in it.

520
00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:39,675
You want to know what
struck me while I was watching

521
00:20:39,676 --> 00:20:41,093
- that marvelous documentary?
- Hmm?

522
00:20:41,094 --> 00:20:42,662
You can't get quality
programming like that

523
00:20:42,663 --> 00:20:44,397
anywhere else but right here
on Greendale Campus Television.

524
00:20:44,398 --> 00:20:46,182
Just thinking that same thing.

525
00:20:46,183 --> 00:20:48,234
You can't get Troy and Abed:
Pillows and Blankets.

526
00:20:48,235 --> 00:20:49,652
Or any of these other
great specials,

527
00:20:49,653 --> 00:20:51,454
like Craig Pelton:
A Year in Paris.

528
00:20:51,455 --> 00:20:53,856
From Labs to Riches:
The Annie's Boobs Story

529
00:20:53,857 --> 00:20:55,391
or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

530
00:20:55,392 --> 00:20:58,194
Folks, we know you hate
these constant pledge drives.

531
00:20:58,195 --> 00:20:59,528
We know you hate them.
We don't love doing them.

532
00:20:59,529 --> 00:21:00,696
We don't like
doing them either.

533
00:21:00,697 --> 00:21:02,332
- I'd rather be at home right now.
- Mm-hmm.

534
00:21:02,333 --> 00:21:04,660
Okay, taking a warm bath
with my wife.

535
00:21:05,627 --> 00:21:07,879
But if you want to help us out,

536
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,661
if you want to help
Greendale Campus Television

537
00:21:09,662 --> 00:21:11,493
to stay on the air,
keep the lights on.

538
00:21:11,494 --> 00:21:13,849
We are literally this close
to losing our...