1
00:00:01,974 --> 00:00:03,275
JESS:
I love these parties.
2
00:00:03,342 --> 00:00:06,144
I feel like I'm
an ambassador, or a spy,
3
00:00:06,211 --> 00:00:07,912
or, like, a really
high-class prostitute.
4
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,347
Well, Jess,
it's a political fundraiser.
5
00:00:10,415 --> 00:00:12,015
Who's to say
you can't be all three?
6
00:00:12,583 --> 00:00:14,818
Hey, this is...
really good.
7
00:00:14,886 --> 00:00:17,087
I mean, I gotta tell you,
I'm really, um...
8
00:00:17,155 --> 00:00:18,489
- Happy.
- Happy.
9
00:00:18,557 --> 00:00:21,291
It's like the complete
opposite of my marriage.
10
00:00:21,358 --> 00:00:22,925
I'll give you
the opposite of your marriage.
11
00:00:22,993 --> 00:00:24,960
- What?
- Sorry, I just...
12
00:00:25,028 --> 00:00:26,796
I've never heard you talk
about your ex-wife,
13
00:00:26,863 --> 00:00:28,298
and I got really nervous and...
14
00:00:28,365 --> 00:00:30,833
I tried to flirt
information out of you.
15
00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:32,235
- Aw...
- So...
16
00:00:32,303 --> 00:00:34,204
I haven't been home in a week,
17
00:00:34,271 --> 00:00:35,572
and, um...
18
00:00:35,639 --> 00:00:38,973
underneath my dress,
I'm wearing...
19
00:00:39,041 --> 00:00:41,142
a pair of your boxer briefs
20
00:00:41,211 --> 00:00:42,944
that I borrowed
21
00:00:43,012 --> 00:00:44,479
slash-stole
22
00:00:44,547 --> 00:00:48,550
slash-I'm not giving them back.
23
00:00:48,618 --> 00:00:50,919
Come on. Let's go.
Go to my house right now.
24
00:00:50,986 --> 00:00:53,054
Well, I have to go
to my home for a bit.
25
00:00:53,122 --> 00:00:54,388
No, no, come on.
26
00:00:54,456 --> 00:00:56,023
Come on. Stay with me.
27
00:00:56,091 --> 00:00:58,292
No, I'm worried about the guys.
28
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,696
They must really be missing me
and wondering where I am.
29
00:01:01,763 --> 00:01:03,897
Hey! Sacrifice, sacrifice,
30
00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,466
Lava! Touched the lava!
...sacrifice...
31
00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:07,768
Touched the lava! Ow, ow!
Touched the lava, dude!
32
00:01:07,836 --> 00:01:10,203
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
33
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,171
♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
34
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:15,298
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
35
00:01:15,298 --> 00:01:16,761
(whistles quietly)
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
36
00:01:17,179 --> 00:01:19,879
MAN (on Radio):
He's the worst quarteback in the league,
I mean, statistically, it would be better
37
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,283
if he wasn't even playing,
all right?
38
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,547
You're listening to the radio
and writing with a pen?
39
00:01:23,618 --> 00:01:24,849
What decade are we in?
40
00:01:24,896 --> 00:01:26,496
NICK: I cannot
listen to that guy.
41
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:28,548
Come on.
Joe Napoli's the worst, man.
44
00:01:32,770 --> 00:01:34,904
I've got an interview
with him today, okay?
45
00:01:34,973 --> 00:01:36,206
He's hiring a new
research assistant.
46
00:01:36,274 --> 00:01:37,807
Hence... the research.
47
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:39,986
My old basketball coach
set it up.
48
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:41,585
You know, I'm just
trying to figure out
49
00:01:41,586 --> 00:01:43,915
- how to break it to Elvin.
- You gotta cut ties with that kid.
50
00:01:43,923 --> 00:01:44,989
He freaks me out.
51
00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:46,035
He never blinks.
52
00:01:46,036 --> 00:01:48,635
He's like a tiny little owl
in a shirt.
53
00:01:49,085 --> 00:01:50,386
Hey, guys!
54
00:01:50,454 --> 00:01:52,721
- Hey. Hello.
JESS: I have so much to tell you.
55
00:01:52,789 --> 00:01:54,590
I spent the whole week
with rich people.
56
00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,258
I finally tried port.
57
00:01:56,326 --> 00:01:59,294
Were you gone last week?
Is that why it was so quiet?
58
00:01:59,362 --> 00:02:01,896
I feel like I haven't
seen you guys in so long.
59
00:02:01,964 --> 00:02:03,995
You all look so handsome,
so grown-up.
60
00:02:04,025 --> 00:02:05,008
- Thank you.
- Hey, Nick.
61
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:06,778
I finally notice
the one-eighth Cherokee.
62
00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:07,861
Winston...
63
00:02:07,923 --> 00:02:09,224
that's almost a mustache.
64
00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:11,601
Yeah. It's creepy and thin,
just like I like it.
65
00:02:11,602 --> 00:02:13,175
How was your sexcation
with Russell?
66
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:15,116
I did have a lot of sex.
Thank you.
67
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,598
What'd you guys do without me?
Hit me up with a headline!
68
00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,118
Nothing.
We played True American.
69
00:02:19,119 --> 00:02:22,426
- What?! You played True American
without me? - Yes, ma'am.
70
00:02:22,484 --> 00:02:24,818
(cell phone ringing)
Oh, sorry. It's Cece.
71
00:02:24,886 --> 00:02:27,354
- Hey, you!
- Tell me everything. How's it going?
72
00:02:27,422 --> 00:02:28,788
- Where are you?
CECE: With Schmidt.
73
00:02:29,256 --> 00:02:30,323
Where are you?
74
00:02:31,191 --> 00:02:32,224
Right here.
75
00:02:32,291 --> 00:02:32,992
Wow.
76
00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:34,627
I am not used to this yet.
77
00:02:34,694 --> 00:02:36,295
I'm surprised
this one's still standing.
78
00:02:36,363 --> 00:02:38,498
We burned through
a lot of ideas last night.
79
00:02:38,565 --> 00:02:40,866
- That's really great.
- We went deep into the stables...
80
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,668
- Yeah. Cool.
NICK and WINSTON: Ugh.
81
00:02:42,736 --> 00:02:44,003
I don't know.
It's like we're living
82
00:02:44,071 --> 00:02:45,570
in a romantic comedy montage.
83
00:02:45,638 --> 00:02:49,241
Like, we, like, throw our heads
back when we laugh,
84
00:02:49,308 --> 00:02:50,975
and I, like, try on
floppy hats for him.
85
00:02:51,044 --> 00:02:52,710
It's pretty perfect.
86
00:02:52,778 --> 00:02:54,746
It's like the first act
of a TV movie
87
00:02:54,813 --> 00:02:57,749
until I find out that he has a
wife and kids in another state.
88
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:00,685
Yeah, but nothing's
perfect, right?
89
00:03:00,753 --> 00:03:04,155
You're kind of doing
everything on his terms,
90
00:03:04,222 --> 00:03:07,624
living in his beautiful,
fancy house...
91
00:03:07,692 --> 00:03:09,160
I'm not really living there.
92
00:03:09,227 --> 00:03:11,262
Has he ever spent a night here?
93
00:03:12,329 --> 00:03:13,229
Hey, guys.
94
00:03:13,297 --> 00:03:14,432
So, listen, um...
95
00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:15,899
Russell's gonna come
and stay this weekend.
96
00:03:15,967 --> 00:03:17,567
(groans) I was just wondering
97
00:03:17,634 --> 00:03:18,901
if you guys could be cool?
98
00:03:18,969 --> 00:03:21,003
Yeah.
99
00:03:22,072 --> 00:03:23,506
- Sure.
JESS: Okay, uh...
100
00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:26,276
Actually, I don't trust what
"cool" means to all of you,
101
00:03:26,843 --> 00:03:29,244
so how about we just say
"be normal"?
102
00:03:29,312 --> 00:03:31,080
- Big R.
- Schmidt.
103
00:03:31,647 --> 00:03:32,414
Your shoe's untied.
104
00:03:32,982 --> 00:03:33,515
Oh.
105
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:36,968
- What are you doing?
- Label check, man.
106
00:03:37,019 --> 00:03:38,178
- What are you doing?
- Label check.
107
00:03:38,208 --> 00:03:38,756
- What are you doing?
- Just calm down.
108
00:03:38,821 --> 00:03:40,922
(sighs)
109
00:03:42,825 --> 00:03:44,459
Did...
110
00:03:46,261 --> 00:03:48,463
(chuckles)
111
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,601
I got it.
(flushes)
112
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,102
- Russell!
- Whoa!
113
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,737
Oh, man, you scared me.
114
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:58,015
You scared of black people?
115
00:03:58,060 --> 00:03:59,494
No.
116
00:03:59,524 --> 00:04:01,610
- It's 2012, baby.
- I'm...
117
00:04:01,647 --> 00:04:03,521
- Yeah, of course. - Done deal.
- Easy. - Of course.
118
00:04:03,578 --> 00:04:05,112
Quick question.
119
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:07,741
Russell's such a visionary,
would it be okay
120
00:04:07,742 --> 00:04:09,544
if I took him
through my Idea Notebook?
121
00:04:09,545 --> 00:04:11,881
- Nope, not at all. - Maybe I won't take
him through the whole notebook...
122
00:04:11,882 --> 00:04:14,175
- Or how about none of it?
- But I have one that I'm really excited about
123
00:04:14,176 --> 00:04:16,979
called Real Apps, that I know
Russell would be interested in.
124
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:19,423
- No.
- Nick, Real Apps is my idea.
125
00:04:19,862 --> 00:04:21,124
Real Apps is not your idea.
126
00:04:21,125 --> 00:04:22,835
SCHMIDT: Yeah, sure, you
might have birthed the idea,
127
00:04:22,836 --> 00:04:24,851
but I midwifed it, and I
midwifed the crap out of it.
128
00:04:24,852 --> 00:04:26,134
- Guys.
- It was a messy birth.
129
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,393
NICK: You just
thought of the name!
130
00:04:27,424 --> 00:04:28,502
The name is everything.
131
00:04:28,525 --> 00:04:29,766
The name is
the name of the game.
132
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,239
The game is... is the name.
The game is the name.
133
00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:34,490
- The product is the game.
- Guys!
134
00:04:35,554 --> 00:04:38,044
I know you can do this.
135
00:04:38,205 --> 00:04:39,830
You sure you
don't want to swing?
136
00:04:39,831 --> 00:04:42,025
Nah. Pushing's
where the action is.
137
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,326
(chuckles)
138
00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:45,970
Elvin, listen, buddy.
I think we should talk.
139
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,965
You know I'm not going to
be here forever, right?
140
00:04:48,153 --> 00:04:50,216
I know about death, Winston.
141
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,736
I know there's no farm
where dogs and grandpas go.
142
00:04:52,765 --> 00:04:55,532
What? No.
It's just that I'm an adult.
143
00:04:55,631 --> 00:04:58,228
It's time for me to get
an adult job with adult people.
144
00:04:58,348 --> 00:05:00,817
You understand, right?
145
00:05:00,931 --> 00:05:02,846
Maybe we should get
to work on your resume
146
00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:04,413
because yours is terrible.
147
00:05:04,497 --> 00:05:06,384
It's 2012, Winston.
148
00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:09,439
Typing is not a special skill.
149
00:05:11,105 --> 00:05:14,293
- And you're familiar with the show?
- Yes, I am. I've been listening for years.
150
00:05:14,344 --> 00:05:17,443
- What do you think of Mr. Napoli?
- He's actually like an idol of mine.
151
00:05:17,479 --> 00:05:19,786
Be honest, jackass!
152
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,133
- Would you consider yourself
an undercover cop? - Huh?
153
00:05:23,134 --> 00:05:25,541
- Seriously. Are you a cop?
You have to tell me. - No!
154
00:05:25,604 --> 00:05:27,472
How far can you drag
an unconscious man?
155
00:05:27,539 --> 00:05:29,697
I don't know. I never really tried to...
Hello, Mr. Napoli.
156
00:05:29,858 --> 00:05:32,193
If you're as bad an assistant
as you were a point guard,
157
00:05:32,260 --> 00:05:33,161
I'll eat you.
158
00:05:33,229 --> 00:05:35,330
You know, I know you,
Winston Bishop, okay?
159
00:05:35,398 --> 00:05:37,499
Sub-par collegiate career,
went to Latvia,
160
00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:41,069
9% from the European-slash-
Women's 3-point line?
161
00:05:41,136 --> 00:05:43,070
- Okay, just...
- Now you wind up in my lap.
162
00:05:43,137 --> 00:05:44,471
Well, I'm the luckiest girl
in school.
163
00:05:44,539 --> 00:05:47,374
Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to
meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.
164
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:50,177
Hey, first of all,
I've not agreed to do it...
165
00:05:50,745 --> 00:05:52,112
Welcome to the team, Winston.
166
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:54,405
Hope Joe hasn't been
too tough on you.
167
00:05:56,050 --> 00:05:57,464
I'm in. I'll do it.
168
00:05:57,951 --> 00:05:58,918
Um...
169
00:05:59,474 --> 00:06:00,529
So nice to meet you,
170
00:06:00,575 --> 00:06:02,409
Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
171
00:06:02,951 --> 00:06:04,029
Can I sit on your shoulders?
172
00:06:04,105 --> 00:06:05,527
- Sure!
- Really?
173
00:06:05,576 --> 00:06:07,020
- No.
- Oh.
174
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,270
You've made
a wonderful decision.
175
00:06:10,423 --> 00:06:11,877
I'm sure you're going
to learn a lot.
176
00:06:11,878 --> 00:06:13,430
Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
177
00:06:13,431 --> 00:06:15,520
NAPOLI: Yeah, well, welcome aboard.
You can start today.
178
00:06:15,558 --> 00:06:17,872
I want to Kareem about
a segment on his show.
179
00:06:17,937 --> 00:06:19,867
I want to talk to you
about the jackets.
180
00:06:19,970 --> 00:06:22,223
You said we were going
to get show jackets!
181
00:06:22,324 --> 00:06:25,306
-
182
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,147
Russell, hey.
183
00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:32,655
I could show you around.
I could show you our world.
184
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,961
Way up here, it's crystal-clear.
185
00:06:35,012 --> 00:06:36,980
- Nick, you're doing Aladdin.
- Again?
186
00:06:37,321 --> 00:06:39,624
- Do you like cheeses, Russell?
- What? That's...
187
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:42,391
- Nick, come on.
- It's for Russell.
188
00:06:45,392 --> 00:06:47,607
So you really just call
these "ethnic noodles"?
189
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,703
No, actually, I don't know.
190
00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:50,409
The only English writing
on the box is,
191
00:06:51,131 --> 00:06:55,033
"Find water. Grow hot.
Family celebrate plus."
192
00:06:55,389 --> 00:06:56,723
That guy.
193
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,234
Nick, stop staring.
194
00:06:58,263 --> 00:06:59,545
I'm not... what?
195
00:07:00,058 --> 00:07:02,199
Schmidt's being
really weird, too.
196
00:07:03,409 --> 00:07:07,011
So I told you and Jess to go
get some sushi at Asakune,
197
00:07:07,079 --> 00:07:09,080
but I hear you
hara-kiri'd that one.
198
00:07:09,148 --> 00:07:12,070
- Well, I know the chef at Namuda.
- Oh, oh. Namuda?
199
00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:14,851
Maybe "My First Sushi."
200
00:07:15,419 --> 00:07:17,854
Baby wants a tempura
California roll.
201
00:07:17,922 --> 00:07:19,256
Little Russell wants...
202
00:07:19,324 --> 00:07:22,092
Little Wussell wants
an avocwado roll!
203
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,995
JESS: Schmidt...!
Nick, don't eat his noodles.
204
00:07:25,063 --> 00:07:27,296
- Yeah, but we're bowl brothers, now.
- No, you're not.
205
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,666
- Tighten up, guys.
WINSTON: I'm gonna kill him.
206
00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:33,336
I'm gonna punch him in his
rich, old white dude face.
207
00:07:33,903 --> 00:07:35,236
Not you.
208
00:07:35,472 --> 00:07:36,772
Joe Napoli.
209
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,948
So I guess you
didn't get the job?
210
00:07:38,949 --> 00:07:41,410
No, I got the job.
And that's the problem.
211
00:07:41,473 --> 00:07:45,595
I want six shakes in my fridge
at all times, ready to go.
212
00:07:45,642 --> 00:07:47,259
And I want it Beyoncé-colored.
213
00:07:47,288 --> 00:07:49,055
Not darker, not lighter.
214
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,105
Beyoncé!
215
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,890
Clean your damn desk!
216
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:57,169
(whispering):
Don't let him see you cry.
217
00:07:58,393 --> 00:07:59,827
See, I want to kill him.
218
00:07:59,895 --> 00:08:02,152
Russ, I was wondering
if later, if you had a minute,
219
00:08:02,199 --> 00:08:04,444
if you wouldn't mind taking
a look at my Idea Notebook.
220
00:08:04,566 --> 00:08:07,212
- Um... Hold that thought.
- I will hold it.
221
00:08:07,213 --> 00:08:09,016
Hold that thought 'cause he
doesn't want to hear it, Nick.
222
00:08:09,023 --> 00:08:10,230
Those ideas were 51% mine.
223
00:08:10,271 --> 00:08:12,206
(garbage disposal rumbles,
whines)
224
00:08:12,773 --> 00:08:14,841
I got it, I got it!
Russell, move, my man.
225
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:15,892
What'd I do?
226
00:08:15,938 --> 00:08:18,362
No, you did nothing, my man.
Don't blame yourself.
227
00:08:21,148 --> 00:08:22,716
Yah! It just fights back
a little bit, Russ.
228
00:08:22,783 --> 00:08:23,984
(clattering)
229
00:08:25,251 --> 00:08:26,319
Anchor me! Anchor me!
230
00:08:26,387 --> 00:08:28,254
It's choking me!
Come on. Go, go, go!
231
00:08:28,322 --> 00:08:31,089
Come on!
(grunting)
232
00:08:31,157 --> 00:08:33,859
- Anchor me. Don't grope me.
- Jess, get in there!
233
00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:35,394
Jess!
234
00:08:35,461 --> 00:08:36,461
NICK:
One more big one!
235
00:08:36,530 --> 00:08:37,763
(groans)
236
00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:41,000
(garbage disposal stops)
Oh, my God. Sorry.
237
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:42,701
RUSSELL:
You guys,
238
00:08:42,769 --> 00:08:45,214
- my contractor knows a really
great plumber. - Please.
239
00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:47,581
- I know the best plumbers in the business.
- White guy knows a plumber.
240
00:08:47,596 --> 00:08:50,233
Sorry. Plumbing's, like, a really
sensitive topic around here.
241
00:08:50,254 --> 00:08:51,667
I-I didn't know.
242
00:08:51,847 --> 00:08:53,681
I mean, who would?
(chuckles)
243
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:55,476
Um...
244
00:08:55,552 --> 00:08:57,053
hey...
245
00:08:57,550 --> 00:08:59,618
who wants to play
True American?
246
00:08:59,685 --> 00:09:01,553
- I'm in.
- That sounds like a great idea.
247
00:09:01,653 --> 00:09:02,385
JESS:
So it's 50%
248
00:09:02,406 --> 00:09:05,041
drinking game,
50% life-size Candyland.
249
00:09:05,156 --> 00:09:06,322
Well, it's more
like 75 drinking,
250
00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:08,291
20 Candyland, and by the way,
251
00:09:08,359 --> 00:09:10,727
- the floor is molten lava.
- It's actually 90% drinking,
252
00:09:10,795 --> 00:09:13,396
and it's got a loose
Candyland-like structure to it.
253
00:09:13,464 --> 00:09:15,265
JESS: Well, with steaks.
- Hey, guys, we doing teams?
254
00:09:15,332 --> 00:09:17,167
- Yeah.
- Ready?
255
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:19,302
One, two, three, go.
256
00:09:19,370 --> 00:09:22,372
SCHMIDT: Two, two, four.
WINSTON: Wow, I'm with Russell. Perfect.
257
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,007
- What? You don't want to be on my team?
- Well, I just copied you.
258
00:09:25,076 --> 00:09:26,809
- You haven't given me any
information yet. - Oh, okay.
259
00:09:26,877 --> 00:09:27,977
So it starts off there are
260
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,217
four zones.
An alternate zone
261
00:09:30,218 --> 00:09:31,162
is a crazy zone.
262
00:09:31,163 --> 00:09:32,795
And there's a trail of chairs.
263
00:09:32,796 --> 00:09:33,566
But the floor is lava.
264
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,199
These are the pawns.
They're the soldiers
265
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,422
of the secret order.
266
00:09:36,423 --> 00:09:37,960
This is the king of the castle.
267
00:09:37,961 --> 00:09:39,762
And remember, everything
you hear in True American
268
00:09:39,763 --> 00:09:41,007
is a lie, knock on wood.
269
00:09:41,057 --> 00:09:42,391
And it starts
with a shotgun tip-off,
270
00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:44,859
- okay?
- Oh, that I can do.
271
00:09:44,927 --> 00:09:46,728
Shotgun, for sure.
272
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,197
Oh, yeah!
273
00:09:48,264 --> 00:09:49,231
All right! Yeah!
(laughing)
274
00:09:49,299 --> 00:09:50,998
Yeah! Yes!
275
00:09:51,066 --> 00:09:53,201
Yeah, there's no going back now.
276
00:09:53,268 --> 00:09:55,002
One, two, three, four, JFK!
277
00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:56,804
FDR! Up, up, up!
FDR!
278
00:09:56,871 --> 00:10:00,708
(shouting)
279
00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:02,376
Russell, you're
in the lava, man.
280
00:10:02,444 --> 00:10:04,345
I don't understand.
Abe Lincoln, George Washington.
281
00:10:04,413 --> 00:10:05,646
OTHERS:
Cherry tree!
282
00:10:05,714 --> 00:10:07,314
(person whistles)
283
00:10:07,381 --> 00:10:08,715
All right, Americans,
284
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,150
you ready?
Let's do the count.
285
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,385
ALL:
One, two, three.
286
00:10:16,023 --> 00:10:17,056
That's me!
287
00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:18,525
(others cheering)
288
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:21,394
Okay, remember:
The ground is lava.
289
00:10:21,462 --> 00:10:24,296
OTHERS (chanting):
Russell! Russell!
290
00:10:24,364 --> 00:10:27,699
Don't touch the lava. (cheering)
291
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:28,900
(laughs) NICK: Big R!
292
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,403
JESS:
Only thing we have to fear
293
00:10:31,471 --> 00:10:32,571
ALL:
Is fear itself!
294
00:10:32,639 --> 00:10:34,607
- Drink!
- Drink!
295
00:10:34,674 --> 00:10:37,843
(shouts unintelligibly)
296
00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:39,344
(others shout unintelligibly)
297
00:10:39,411 --> 00:10:40,645
(laughing)
298
00:10:40,712 --> 00:10:42,647
Jimmy Carter... atop...
299
00:10:43,214 --> 00:10:45,150
Grover Cleveland.
300
00:10:45,217 --> 00:10:46,351
What now?
301
00:10:46,418 --> 00:10:47,585
- More beer.
- More beer.
302
00:10:49,087 --> 00:10:50,921
I got to get to the castle!
303
00:10:50,989 --> 00:10:52,974
- Go, Nick, go!
- Russell, you're kind of
304
00:10:52,975 --> 00:10:54,009
ripped up, huh?
305
00:10:54,048 --> 00:10:55,900
Well, I used to work summers
306
00:10:55,953 --> 00:10:58,685
in a lumber camp near Banff,
and I still split my own wood.
307
00:10:58,718 --> 00:11:00,996
JFK!
FDR!
308
00:11:03,468 --> 00:11:05,128
You're pretty good
at this, old-timer.
309
00:11:05,225 --> 00:11:06,662
Ooh, ooh, Cece,
310
00:11:06,663 --> 00:11:08,717
this is the best game
of True American ever.
311
00:11:08,718 --> 00:11:09,647
I'm this close to winning.
312
00:11:09,648 --> 00:11:11,183
I'm gonna go get in your bed.
313
00:11:11,686 --> 00:11:12,552
Damn.
314
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,538
Yeah, I'm out.
315
00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:14,510
Schmidt, no!
316
00:11:14,578 --> 00:11:18,080
- No!
- Does it mean we win?
317
00:11:18,148 --> 00:11:19,515
- Yes, we win!
- Whoo! (laughs)
318
00:11:19,583 --> 00:11:20,949
(cheering)
319
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,788
BOTH:
USA! USA!
320
00:11:25,855 --> 00:11:27,189
Oh, a little bit. Ah!
321
00:11:27,256 --> 00:11:29,291
USA! USA!
322
00:11:31,412 --> 00:11:32,846
RUSSELL:
I'm trashed.
323
00:11:32,914 --> 00:11:35,257
I'm in a trash bag right now.
324
00:11:35,337 --> 00:11:36,937
- It's true.
- I think we should
325
00:11:36,938 --> 00:11:37,666
call it a night.
326
00:11:37,718 --> 00:11:38,785
No, no, hang on.
327
00:11:38,853 --> 00:11:40,738
I was, I was saying something.
328
00:11:40,776 --> 00:11:42,376
What you was saying to me.
I remember.
329
00:11:42,445 --> 00:11:43,797
Hey, guys, guys?
I'm really sorry.
330
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,498
I'm on a water break.
331
00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:46,659
It's over here.
332
00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:48,126
Oh, man, you were
333
00:11:48,194 --> 00:11:49,828
giving me advice on my boss
because
334
00:11:49,896 --> 00:11:53,699
you are also a rich white man.
And that's okay.
335
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:54,700
Hell, yeah, I am!
336
00:11:54,768 --> 00:11:56,068
(laughing)
337
00:11:56,135 --> 00:11:59,136
- Hey, I love ya.
. Russell, we have a big day
338
00:11:59,137 --> 00:12:00,471
planned tomorrow,
so maybe we should...
339
00:12:00,539 --> 00:12:02,139
Shh-shh, hang on a sec.
340
00:12:02,207 --> 00:12:03,474
Let me straighten you out.
341
00:12:03,542 --> 00:12:04,641
Here's what you do.
342
00:12:04,809 --> 00:12:06,444
Your boss is power-playing you.
343
00:12:07,338 --> 00:12:09,540
So you need
to power-play him back.
344
00:12:09,577 --> 00:12:11,111
- Yes.
- How do I do that?
345
00:12:12,538 --> 00:12:14,306
Dip your boys in his shake.
346
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,149
- What?!
347
00:12:15,190 --> 00:12:16,224
That's all you gotta do.
348
00:12:16,254 --> 00:12:17,377
Your testicles, dip 'em in,
349
00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:18,565
wring em out, dip it again
350
00:12:18,566 --> 00:12:20,199
and give him his shake.
That's how you do it.
351
00:12:20,231 --> 00:12:21,421
That's a terrible idea.
352
00:12:21,492 --> 00:12:23,026
Jess, no, no. Shh.
353
00:12:23,094 --> 00:12:24,327
Hang on. It's like a guy thing.
354
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:25,760
Territory. Jess, you don't know.
355
00:12:25,761 --> 00:12:26,815
It's a guy thing, you know?
356
00:12:26,816 --> 00:12:28,257
Jess doesn't get it.
It's a territory...
357
00:12:28,258 --> 00:12:30,306
- Stop copying Russell.
- I'm not copying him. I love him.
358
00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:31,924
Classic is a classic,
you know what I mean?
359
00:12:31,938 --> 00:12:34,006
Just get in there,
dunk your nuggets in his shake!
360
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:35,571
That's what I'm talking about.
361
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,073
Well, we all learned a lot.
362
00:12:37,140 --> 00:12:39,041
You know what would make
this night really great?
363
00:12:39,409 --> 00:12:40,885
- Idea Notebook.
- Sleep.
364
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,011
Yeah?
365
00:12:42,079 --> 00:12:45,399
Have you ever wanted to take
a ride on a magic idea?
366
00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:46,575
Well, strap on, Russell.
367
00:12:46,644 --> 00:12:48,110
Russell, let's go to sleep.
368
00:12:48,169 --> 00:12:49,317
I'll be in in a second.
369
00:12:49,318 --> 00:12:51,585
I want to hear your idea.
370
00:12:52,093 --> 00:12:53,427
Take one more of these,
371
00:12:53,495 --> 00:12:55,195
and then this idea's
gonna be even better.
372
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:56,725
- Okay.
- Down the hatch!
373
00:12:58,438 --> 00:12:59,505
(all groan)
374
00:12:59,995 --> 00:13:01,711
Let's have a little
bit more of that.
375
00:13:05,356 --> 00:13:08,392
I'm mad at him, and I've never
been mad at him before.
376
00:13:08,459 --> 00:13:10,660
Oh, Jess!
377
00:13:10,728 --> 00:13:13,062
This room is not a place
of comforting, okay?
378
00:13:13,130 --> 00:13:14,531
This is Darwin's jungle,
379
00:13:14,599 --> 00:13:16,132
where open-minded people do
380
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,868
weird things to each other.
381
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:19,769
Go away.
382
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,337
Yeah.
383
00:13:22,406 --> 00:13:23,939
I can't fight with him.
384
00:13:24,007 --> 00:13:25,641
That's our thing.
We don't fight.
385
00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:27,943
He used to fight all the time
with his ex-wife.
386
00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:29,478
I think he likes
that we're peaceful.
387
00:13:29,546 --> 00:13:31,814
Fighting's good. It's healthy.
388
00:13:31,882 --> 00:13:33,649
It's how you know it's working.
389
00:13:33,717 --> 00:13:36,918
You know, Jess, what Cece
and I like to do
390
00:13:36,985 --> 00:13:39,153
is we like to fight
with our bodies.
391
00:13:39,221 --> 00:13:41,355
It's like very intense game
of Capture the Flag.
392
00:13:41,424 --> 00:13:43,090
I won't make you guess
what the flag is.
393
00:13:44,393 --> 00:13:45,627
As my financial business
partner,
394
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:47,429
I appreciate you
taking the time.
395
00:13:47,496 --> 00:13:49,363
All right, Russell said
we need a prototype.
396
00:13:49,432 --> 00:13:53,033
So, Mr. Schmidt, I now present
you "Real Apps."
397
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,201
The phone obviously goes back
here where the phone goes,
398
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,037
and then these are all the apps.
399
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,605
You've got a Zippo.
You've got a fork.
400
00:13:58,673 --> 00:13:59,640
You've got a spoon.
401
00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:01,041
That's a corn holder.
402
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,243
It's also a gentleman's shiv.
403
00:14:03,311 --> 00:14:05,446
Nick, it's a prototype
of a prototype at best.
404
00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:06,746
- Let me see it.
- No.
405
00:14:06,747 --> 00:14:08,347
- Don't be mean about it.
- Come on, let me see it.
406
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:11,050
- You got a bottle opener. - Come on.
- Yeah. - Look at this.
407
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:13,052
There's no brushed steel,
no nickel.
408
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:14,887
I mean, it's got none
of the baller metals.
409
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,622
I mean, come on, man.
410
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,652
I'm not gonna get Winkelvossed
because of your sloppiness.
411
00:14:19,653 --> 00:14:21,988
What do you mean, "I"?
Real Apps is my idea.
412
00:14:22,034 --> 00:14:23,198
You just came up with the name!
413
00:14:23,199 --> 00:14:25,541
Yeah, and the name
is the game, friendo.
414
00:14:25,542 --> 00:14:26,665
- Mm-mm.
- Yes, it is, man.
415
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,993
No, it isn't.
No, it isn't, man.
416
00:14:27,994 --> 00:14:29,253
Would you line up
around the corner
417
00:14:29,254 --> 00:14:31,809
if they called the iPhone
a "slippery germ brick"?
418
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,004
Yeah, actually, I might.
419
00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:34,539
That's why they call it
basketball
420
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,095
and not "peach basket
catch-it-up."
421
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,776
You just came up with that?
422
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,410
Hey, hey, we're back here on
the Joe Napoli Show, and let me
423
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:42,713
introduce you to a new member
of the Joe Napoli Show family,
424
00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:45,364
and that is Winston Bishop,
who is our new assistant.
425
00:14:45,434 --> 00:14:46,812
I'll tell you what--
he's sharp as a tack.
426
00:14:46,813 --> 00:14:48,644
Ladies, there's no ring
on his finger,
427
00:14:48,645 --> 00:14:49,875
and, Winston,
why don't you tell us
428
00:14:49,876 --> 00:14:50,969
just a little bit
about yourself?
429
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:52,074
(goofy voice):
Hey, thanks, a lot, Joe.
430
00:14:52,075 --> 00:14:53,448
I really want
to tell you about myself.
431
00:14:53,449 --> 00:14:54,958
You know, I been
on the job two days,
432
00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:56,400
and I don't know how
to make no milk shake.
433
00:14:56,426 --> 00:14:59,020
- Oh, and I played two years of
mediocre Division I basketball. - Wow.
434
00:14:59,074 --> 00:14:59,903
And why was that?
435
00:14:59,926 --> 00:15:01,709
Well, because I really didn't
know how to play basketball.
436
00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:03,567
I got recruited
for a girls' volleyball team.
437
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:05,657
All right, there he is.
That's Winston Bishop.
438
00:15:05,703 --> 00:15:07,537
And we'll see you again
probably never.
439
00:15:07,605 --> 00:15:09,574
All right, turning now
to the NBA picture,
440
00:15:09,622 --> 00:15:10,921
it looks like the West...
441
00:15:12,125 --> 00:15:13,392
These are hangover eggs.
442
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:14,911
See, they'll either stop you
443
00:15:14,912 --> 00:15:16,208
from throwing up
the rest of the day
444
00:15:16,278 --> 00:15:17,713
or you'll just throw it
up really fast.
445
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:18,947
It's high-risk, high-reward.
446
00:15:19,015 --> 00:15:21,099
Oh, maybe I should just go
back to bed.
447
00:15:21,143 --> 00:15:22,977
I have a really nice
day planned for us.
448
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,289
We're gonna go apple picking...
449
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,027
I don't... I don't pick apples.
450
00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:29,609
That... that's...
that's not gonna happen.
451
00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:30,946
Are you serious?
452
00:15:30,993 --> 00:15:34,629
Because it's picking
and it's apple...
453
00:15:34,696 --> 00:15:35,496
You're serious?
454
00:15:35,564 --> 00:15:36,998
That literally sounds like hell.
455
00:15:37,065 --> 00:15:38,900
Okay.
456
00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:39,767
Are we in a fight?
457
00:15:39,835 --> 00:15:40,668
We're not fighting.
458
00:15:40,736 --> 00:15:41,969
This feels like a fight, Jess.
459
00:15:42,037 --> 00:15:43,404
This is not a fight!
460
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,994
Russell, my man,
it seems these days
461
00:15:48,062 --> 00:15:50,296
there's an app for everything.
462
00:15:50,364 --> 00:15:51,364
Doesn't it, though?
463
00:15:51,431 --> 00:15:53,266
Yeah, but there isn't.
464
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,335
Let's say I'm out
and about, you know,
465
00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:58,604
being mobile, and I
want to cut a bagel,
466
00:15:58,672 --> 00:15:59,672
cobble a shoe.
467
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,106
Haberdash on the fly.
468
00:16:01,174 --> 00:16:02,474
Is there an app for that?
469
00:16:02,541 --> 00:16:03,108
No.
Is there?
470
00:16:03,176 --> 00:16:04,776
Until now.
471
00:16:05,044 --> 00:16:07,346
- Right.
- We now present to you...
472
00:16:08,413 --> 00:16:09,681
Real Apps!
Real Apps!
473
00:16:09,749 --> 00:16:10,448
The prototype.
474
00:16:10,516 --> 00:16:12,985
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
475
00:16:13,052 --> 00:16:13,986
Relapse?
476
00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:15,354
Real Apps.
477
00:16:15,421 --> 00:16:16,687
Real Apps.
478
00:16:16,755 --> 00:16:17,588
Relapse?
479
00:16:20,791 --> 00:16:21,992
Relapse?!
480
00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:22,927
Would you calm...?
481
00:16:22,995 --> 00:16:24,828
You called my baby "relapse"?!
482
00:16:24,829 --> 00:16:26,630
No, I didn't call
it anything. Just calm down!
483
00:16:26,698 --> 00:16:27,798
- I gave you 51% of this for Relapse?
- Russell. Russell. Enough.
484
00:16:28,298 --> 00:16:29,298
Russell...
485
00:16:29,766 --> 00:16:31,034
Hold it in your hands, my man.
486
00:16:31,035 --> 00:16:33,069
- We're in the middle of something, guys.
JESS: No, no, no.
487
00:16:33,137 --> 00:16:34,504
We're great. We're fine. Show it to him, Schmidt.
SCHMIDT: It's all right here.
488
00:16:34,571 --> 00:16:36,572
- Let me show it to you.
NICK: Yeah, but you have to...
489
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:37,640
- I want to... Russell.
- You're going the wrong way.
490
00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:40,163
Aah! Oh! Oh, oh, no!
491
00:16:40,164 --> 00:16:41,883
- Oh, my God, Russell, are you okay?
NICK: No, no, no.
492
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:43,046
I've been stabbed!
493
00:16:43,114 --> 00:16:44,414
It wasn't ready.
494
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:45,949
- It wasn't ready.
- You called it Relapse, idiot!
495
00:16:46,017 --> 00:16:47,017
Where are the Band-Aids?
496
00:16:47,084 --> 00:16:47,983
- No Band-Aids!
JESS: What?!
497
00:16:48,051 --> 00:16:48,848
Ow! (panting)
498
00:16:48,886 --> 00:16:51,363
I'll get you a takeout napkin
with some Scotch tape.
499
00:16:51,417 --> 00:16:52,318
Searing pain!
500
00:16:52,353 --> 00:16:53,408
So sorry.
501
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:55,924
- Here. Oh, sorry.
(groans) Ow! Ow! Jess.
502
00:16:55,945 --> 00:16:57,756
Jess, do you know what? You just
taped a napkin to my hand.
503
00:16:57,757 --> 00:16:58,729
You know what?
I'm gonna go.
504
00:16:58,730 --> 00:16:59,850
I need to be home right now.
505
00:16:59,851 --> 00:17:00,662
Is that a problem?
506
00:17:00,763 --> 00:17:02,364
No.
507
00:17:02,635 --> 00:17:04,068
I'm fine.
508
00:17:04,261 --> 00:17:05,761
It's great.
509
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,861
We're great.
510
00:17:08,702 --> 00:17:09,603
Yeah.
511
00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:11,973
(mumbles)
512
00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:13,774
- I'm s...
- Just nicked him.
513
00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:17,178
(door closes) (yells)
514
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,547
Get it all out.
515
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:20,880
I have an idea
for your Idea book!
516
00:17:20,949 --> 00:17:22,249
Replace the Band-Aids!
517
00:17:22,817 --> 00:17:23,783
Very fair.
518
00:17:24,351 --> 00:17:25,018
It's so sticky!
519
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:25,986
Oh, I have an app for that.
520
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:31,316
ELVIN:
What are you doing here?
521
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,218
Why aren't you at your new job?
522
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:35,247
I'm quitting.
523
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:36,903
You're quitting your dream job?
524
00:17:36,962 --> 00:17:38,599
Well, I mean,
there's good news.
525
00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:40,124
I want to keep
being your nanny.
526
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:41,828
That's what I've come
to tell your mom.
527
00:17:41,993 --> 00:17:44,128
I can't let you do that.
528
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:45,896
Mom? Mom?
529
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:47,930
Winston just asked me
if he can smoke weed.
530
00:17:47,998 --> 00:17:49,399
- What?!
- What?!
531
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,201
- No, see...
- He said when we go to the park,
532
00:17:51,268 --> 00:17:52,268
he wanted to do it.
533
00:17:52,336 --> 00:17:53,269
And I get to hold it
534
00:17:53,337 --> 00:17:54,137
because
535
00:17:54,205 --> 00:17:56,106
I'm a minor.
536
00:17:56,173 --> 00:17:58,141
Where is your imagination
taking you? No!
537
00:17:58,209 --> 00:17:59,642
- You said that in front of my kid?!
- Gina...
538
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:00,910
Are you serious?!
539
00:18:00,977 --> 00:18:02,496
Are you completely insane?!
540
00:18:02,497 --> 00:18:03,779
Gina, you know me, okay?
541
00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:05,024
I'm wearing a tie
and everything.
542
00:18:05,048 --> 00:18:06,381
You're never, ever
gonna nanny again.
543
00:18:06,449 --> 00:18:09,051
I will destroy you
on the nanny boards.
544
00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:10,820
You can count on that.
Come on, Elvin. Just...
545
00:18:10,887 --> 00:18:13,213
Let me explain. Let me...
Elvin, Elvin, Elvin, hey, now.
546
00:18:13,214 --> 00:18:14,791
Elvin, let's get away.
Get away from the hippie.
547
00:18:14,871 --> 00:18:16,073
Come on.
548
00:18:19,128 --> 00:18:20,694
Bye, Winston.
549
00:18:23,731 --> 00:18:24,599
Bye, Elvin.
550
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,267
GINA: No, no, don't talk to him.
551
00:18:26,335 --> 00:18:29,036
It's 4:20. Don't you
have to be somewhere?
552
00:18:30,439 --> 00:18:32,173
Oh, no.
553
00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:33,741
The shakes.
554
00:18:34,008 --> 00:18:37,041
Six... Where are you,
number six?
555
00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:38,844
NAPOLI: Hey, Bishop, I
thought you left early.
556
00:18:38,911 --> 00:18:40,711
Assumed you weren't
coming back.
557
00:18:41,223 --> 00:18:42,678
There was something wrong
with the shakes,
558
00:18:42,731 --> 00:18:43,825
so I went in and just
559
00:18:43,850 --> 00:18:45,998
threw them out because there's
something wrong with 'em.
560
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,029
Speaking of which, I should
probably go ahead and throw
561
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,718
that one out.
What did you do to the shakes?
562
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,818
They've been compromised.
563
00:18:51,849 --> 00:18:54,607
What... did... you... do?
564
00:18:54,646 --> 00:18:57,919
Look, I really, really want
this job, Mr. Napoli, and
565
00:18:57,964 --> 00:19:00,152
I know you're going to fire me
if I tell you what I did,
566
00:19:00,197 --> 00:19:01,944
but I would love a future here,
567
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:03,733
and I don't want that
to be jeopardized
568
00:19:03,734 --> 00:19:07,332
by a moment of...
poor judgment.
569
00:19:09,808 --> 00:19:12,443
I put my beans in your shakes.
570
00:19:13,011 --> 00:19:14,212
Yeah, and I...
571
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,781
I shook it around
a little bit like this.
572
00:19:17,348 --> 00:19:20,751
In there? You stuck 'em down
in there, huh?
573
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:22,153
I did.
574
00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:25,722
(laughing)
575
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,824
(laughing)
576
00:19:27,892 --> 00:19:29,225
Oh, man!
577
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,927
(laughing)
578
00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:32,896
(laughs weakly)
579
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,297
You know what we're gonna do?
580
00:19:34,364 --> 00:19:35,965
We're gonna do that to Kareem.
581
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:37,934
(chuckles)
582
00:19:48,077 --> 00:19:48,911
Hi.
583
00:19:49,078 --> 00:19:50,779
Hi.
584
00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:52,415
I have something to say to you.
585
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:54,483
- You don't have to apologize.
- Well, I'm not here to apologize.
586
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,585
I'm here to fight with
you, and I don't care
587
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,420
- if you want to fight or not.
- All right, let's fight.
588
00:19:58,421 --> 00:20:00,689
Well, I was prepared to have a
perfectly nice weekend with you,
589
00:20:00,756 --> 00:20:02,724
and you just give up,
and you come home.
590
00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:05,426
Because I was bleeding from
my hand. I had to go to the ER.
591
00:20:05,493 --> 00:20:07,728
- I had to get a stitch.
- Ooh, stitches.
592
00:20:07,795 --> 00:20:09,930
I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid.
593
00:20:09,997 --> 00:20:13,634
I'm actually... I'm actually
really sorry about that.
594
00:20:13,702 --> 00:20:15,436
Jess, I haven't played
a drinking game in ten years.
595
00:20:15,503 --> 00:20:17,238
The only reason I did is
'cause you asked me to.
596
00:20:17,305 --> 00:20:19,139
If I want to have a drink,
597
00:20:19,207 --> 00:20:21,007
I don't really have to play
a game while I'm doing it.
598
00:20:21,075 --> 00:20:22,876
Well, that's my world.
Garbage disposals don't work.
599
00:20:22,944 --> 00:20:25,011
Elevators don't pass inspection.
600
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:27,180
- Wait. I didn't know about the elevator.
- Yeah, it was, like,
601
00:20:27,248 --> 00:20:29,632
the cables were really thin.
We signed a waiver.
602
00:20:29,671 --> 00:20:31,813
- They took 100 bucks off our rent.
- That's really not safe!
603
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,183
Well, that's where I live,
and those are my friends.
604
00:20:34,355 --> 00:20:37,021
And that wasn't even the
first stabbing this month.
605
00:20:37,589 --> 00:20:40,592
And Russell, my life is just
as important as your life.
606
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,228
And if you want to get with me,
607
00:20:42,295 --> 00:20:43,796
you're gonna have to
get with my friends,
608
00:20:43,864 --> 00:20:45,264
and that is a Spice Girls song.
609
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,032
(chuckling)
610
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:48,667
(laughing)
611
00:20:52,303 --> 00:20:53,337
We just had a fight.
612
00:20:54,405 --> 00:20:56,407
- I won.
- You did not win.
613
00:20:56,475 --> 00:20:57,876
Hey, tell you what.
Let's just go back
614
00:20:57,943 --> 00:20:59,244
to your loft and try again.
615
00:20:59,811 --> 00:21:00,645
Let's just hang out.
616
00:21:00,712 --> 00:21:01,980
Oh. Now?
617
00:21:02,547 --> 00:21:05,416
I mean... I just got here.
618
00:21:05,684 --> 00:21:06,550
Maybe later.
619
00:21:06,618 --> 00:21:08,085
(laughs)
620
00:21:08,453 --> 00:21:10,954
Okay, that sounds like a plan.
621
00:21:11,522 --> 00:21:13,623
Those boxers you borrowed--
I'm gonna need them back.
622
00:21:13,691 --> 00:21:15,826
- They're my lucky underpants.
- Lucky underpants?
623
00:21:16,394 --> 00:21:19,029
And what are the values
of the Olympic games?
624
00:21:19,797 --> 00:21:22,166
Openness, exchange.
625
00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:26,102
The first victims of an
authoritarian security regime.
626
00:21:26,670 --> 00:21:30,705
I'm Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and
that's The View from Up Here.
627
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:40,403
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