A toast...
To the most beautiful woman a man could be married to
for 3 years.
You mean, the happiest woman a man could be married to for 3 years.
Happy anniversary, Joe.
Mmm. My name is Chef Alejandro Lopez-Fernandez.
Can I help you with the menu?
Yes.
- Hmm. - I said something funny?
We're just pretending to read the menu.
We come here every year for our anniversary.
We know exactly what we're getting.
The Ropa Vieja.
Ahh, good choice. That's my specialty.
Buen provecho.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen, this place is closed.
For your safety, I ask you now,
nicely, to get the hell out.
Now!
What was that?
We should go.
Joe!
I'm going to find out why our dinner's being ruined.
Joe?
Joe.
Joe, those guys seem kind of dangerous, Joe.
Yeah, excuse me. May I ask you, sir?
Show them out.
Ohh!
What about our anniversary?
Joe. Joe. He had a gun.
Annie, this is Miami.
People carry guns like they carry wallets.
Oh! Oh!
Ripped By mstoll
King of the Franks, King of the Lombards,
Emperor of the Romans.
Transylvania count, descendant of Attila The Hun,
prince of the night.
Victor of the 30-year Saxon wars.
3 vampire brides.
Standardized European currency.
Could climb walls, turn into fog,
played in the movies by Bela Lugosi, Rutger Hauer,
Leslie Nielsen.
Conquered Italy.
Fangs.
Why, good afternoon, young delinquesse.
I've had a really bad day.
Cristina Farrel, my hag of a probation officer,
has just called me on the phone to bust my sacred space
because there's a girl matching my description
rolling Johns all up and down Miami beach.
And due to this misapprehension
that I'm the only blonde girl with a record in all of South Florida,
Cristina Farrel has decided that
until this consternation has been, if possible,
resolved satisfactorily to my benefit,
I have to double my face-to-face check-ins.
I don't have a problem with that.
Walter.
You might want to stop rolling Johns up and down Miami beach.
Oh, my God. It's not me.
I've never hooked in my life. Is that so impossible?
Almost impossible.
Leo...
Laws are like cobwebs,
which may catch small flies,
but let wasps and hornets break through.
- Meaning... - Which means
the system is an uphill climb for the likes of you.
But I have faith in your journey.
Oh, right.
On my way home, I ran over this guy with my bike.
He's looking for you.
- Joe, you said? - What? Oh, yes.
Did you black out when you fell, Joe?
- I don't... don't think so. - He didn't.
I heard him moaning as I rode away.
What are you doing here?
Not sure I like the cut of your jib.
Uh, well, I'm a notary.
Oh. I do not like notaries.
What? I don't.
I do a lot of work at a law firm.
Last year, a prenup went missing under suspicious circumstances.
And... you were the guy they hired to find it.
Yeah. That was a funny case.
Someone ended up dead, I think.
Is this the same case?
Same case.
What do you want from Walter, Joe?
You want him to find something?
I want you to find a meal.
- I'm in! - Walter.
I'm in.
You don't even know...
- I'm in. - OK.
Let him finish first.
Tell your tale.
And then, I'm in.
Have you ever had Ropa Vieja?
It's a traditional Cuban dish.
This is Miami, Joe. The streets are lined with Ropa Vieja.
The first time I had it was 6 years ago at the Bella Plata restaurant.
It was... it was my first date with Annie.
Your wife.
It was the best food either of us had ever eaten.
I don't know how to describe it.
It was one of the best nights of our lives.
And then, it became our special place, our special dish.
Birthdays, anniversaries.
I proposed to Annie over a plate of the Bella Plata's Ropa...
Get to the point.
3 years ago, the restaurant closed down.
We never really found out why.
Ever since then, we've tried out other places,
other Ropa Vieja, and it was...
It was never the same.
Yeah, well, nothing... Nothing was.
I know it sounds illogical,
but whatever we had special in our life,
we seem to have lost it the day the Bella Plata shut down.
You know, it's our anniversary in 4 days,
and...
I don't know. I was just... thinking...
I mean, if we could just
share that meal one more time,
maybe we could salvage some sort of...
Ahem.
What? I got to pee.
I already said I was in.
It says the property is still owned
by the same blind LLC it was 3 years ago.
It's like the chocolate factory.
I wouldn't say that's true.
It's closed down, but they never sold it.
It's just sitting there, waiting.
- For what? - Someone special.
Wonka.
Gene Wilder Wonka, not Johnny Depp Wonka.
Should I get my hair cut?
Nah.
I think I'm just going to break in.
Standard legal disclaimer?
Title 46, chapter 810. Burglary and trespass.
Eh. I'm gonna risk it.
Ooh.
Lost, my friend?
Not for many years. You?
Go.
Miss-terious palate.
- Hello? - Hey, Leo,
in the oompa loompa song.
Is it "have I got a puzzle for you",
or "I've got a puzzle for you"?
Walter, get out, now!
Oh, yeah. Uh,
now is too late.
Does this count as my phone call?
Hey!
What a surprise!
Is it?
I thought you said you were busy this week and couldn't hang out.
I am. I can't. We are not.
And yet...
What were you doing at the Bella Plata?
I wasn't... ha. No.
I'm not going to jump into the crazy pool.
Someone alerted the cops that I had broken in.
You were breaking in. That's what cops do, Walter.
They arrest idiots like you.
Barbershop guy!
You're paying barbershop guy to watch the Bella Plata?
I love it. Why?
We're not here to talk about me. Let's talk about you.
Ok. You never go to dinner with me
in a real restaurant. Why not?
It makes me feel bad.
Out of the pool, Walter.
- I feel bad. - You don't.
No, I think I do.
Mob restaurant!
The Bella Plata is a mob restaurant, right?
Righty-right? That's why barbershop guy?
I can't talk to you about this.
Oh.
Ok.
I guess I can't talk to you about it, either.
Fine. Ok.
You win.
Do you know who Federico Vasquez is?
Everyone knows who Federico Vasquez is.
- Do you? - No.
Yeah. They call him Fico. Cuban mafia.
Allegedly.
No, I'm pretty sure they call him Fico.
Wait, he owns the Bella Plata?
We think through a series of shell corporations.
Well, why hide it?
Since when is it illegal to own a restaurant?
When you're using it to launder drug money.
We were developing a contact on the inside to confirm.
The Sous-Chef. I was on a team to protect him once he came out.
And you lost him. Oh!
Do you want me to find him?
No. Walter. I don't want you to do anything.
We know where the Sous-Chef is. He's in the ground.
3 years ago, we found him in the glades
with his entire knife set stuck in his chest.
The next day, the Bella Plata closed,
never to be opened again.
Almost every single one of the employees of that place
is on a federal witness list.
Wonka.
For the last 3 years,
I've let that barber wash my hair
and stand just a little too close to the chair
so he'd keep his eyes and ears on the Bella Plata for me.
I've had my net out there for a very long time...
So that begs the question...
Why... are you... in my net?
I... don't know.
I'll tell you when I... find... out.
Do I know you?
Not me, specifically. You know people like me.
You, for example.
Find your own stroll.
I'm not here to hook.
Well, I am. So whatever you want,
want it somewhere else.
Move on.
What?
Move. On.
Out of the county. That's what I want.
Security!
Are you ok?
Thanks for getting me out.
Lucky for you, almost everyone in my family is a cop
of one kind or another.
- Hey, Isabel. - Hmm.
Why won't you have dinner with me?
If it's the way I dress...
It's not the way you dress.
Then what?
Sometimes, when I'm with you, I forget who I am.
I can just write it on my forehead. "Isabel Zambada."
Walter, we aren't a couple, not like normal.
I really, really enjoy spending time with you...
Well, 70% of the time, but...
- The plan. - Rise through the ranks,
finish my law degree, rise through the justice department,
and change the world.
That's a very ambitious plan.
Yes, it is.
I could fit in the plan.
Pudding pop, you couldn't fit into anybody's plan,
even if you wanted to, which I know you don't.
I am a huge amount of fun.
You are.
Walter, look. I know you think you're protecting me
by not telling me what it is you're looking for.
But if it has anything to do with Fico Vasquez,
you have to be careful, please.
I'm not just fun.
You care deeply for me. You don't want to, but boy, you do.
Talking to you is like playing bagpipes in a ukulele band.
Bagpipes?
I'm not sure how this will help us find the Chef.
The meal. Not looking for the Chef.
But he's looking for the Chef?
He's looking through the Chef.
I've got 5 different Ropa Viejas here...
Ranging from the most traditional to the most nouvelle.
Is that blood?
Oh, yeah. They're from a crime scene.
Now, here's a list of adjectives
used to describe Chef Alejandro's Ropa Viejas
culled from reviews.
You're going to eat all of them,
and then rank them based on their similarity to the description.
And this will help find the meal?
Well, probably not. But it may help us find the Chef.
Hopefully alive.
I don't understand him at all.
Hi. It's Willa. You know what to do.
All right.
The votes have been tallied.
What we are looking for here is...
A smoky, peppery, slightly spicy,
vaguely orangey-sweet something.
Now, according to you, all of these are missing the same something.
Which is what?
Smoke.
Have you heard anything from Willa?
She's not answering her phone.
Yes. Willa!
I've buried the lede. She's in jail. Ahem.
Your probation officer considers you a flight risk.
Well who wouldn't be with a P.O. Like her? Jeez.
Sorry. It's the flies and wasps thingy, Leo.
I just went to talk.
Gypsy talk.
You used your one phone call
on your cousin Timo, instead of me.
Timo can't get you out of here.
Neither can you, apparently.
But I'm here.
Hmm!
You don't write like a woman.
Excuse me?
Not like a woman.
You write like a man writing like a woman.
But not like a woman.
There's a difference, you know.
It's the pronouns.
Women use more than men.
There's a whole study, but I won't bore you.
This is you...
Miss-terious palate, undercover food critic at-large.
She claims to be a she, but she's really a he.
You, in fact, are she-he.
You're insane.
After analyzing your last 37 reviews, a pattern emerges...
It always does... That's why patterns are awesome.
An average of 5.1 days after a new restaurant opens,
you review said new restaurant.
Now, there are 6 restaurants fitting that criteria today.
This is number 4 for me.
And then, it was just a matter of looking around
and finding the person who looks least like
what she-he purports to be.
What do you want?
I'm looking for Alejandro Lopez-Fernandez.
Why would I know where he is?
He's your favorite Chef, been missing for 3 years.
Exactly my point.
No. It's the smoke.
What?
It's the smoke.
It's still out there, isn't it? You've tasted it.
I repeat. You're crazy.
I'm going to post this picture on the Internet right now.
Hmm?
Dare me. Do it. Mmm?
Oh, I knew it. The smoke!
How's the arugula?
I couldn't get Willa out.
I think her P.O. Is trying to teach her a lesson.
Probably pretty good lesson.
I take it we've had a breakthrough.
He's still cooking.
You don't say. Where?
3 years ago, at a Peruvian restaurant over here,
and two years ago at a chophouse way over here.
Then a Chinese restaurant,
a seafood shack, catering company, French-Vietnamese place.
People saw him, but Vasquez didn't?
See, that's the amazing thing about it, Leo.
Nobody actually saw him.
They just tasted him.
There's an online super secret foodie group...
Our miss-terious palate is a part of it...
That are actually dedicated to following
Alejandro's flavor profile.
Miss-terious palate thinks that he uses some kind of
exotic chili pepper.
And they follow him from place to place.
But they don't tell anyone.
They don't want to spook him.
As soon as the restaurant gets popular,
- he moves on. - The "smoke monster?"
That's what they call him.
It's from an old TV show. I don't get the reference.
But guess where he is now?
In a truck?
Yeah. How'd you guess?
Trucks.
Well, yes, technically.
It's one truck moving through time... A food truck.
Now, these represent the last 12 appearances
of a truck selling hamburgers
matching Alejandro's signature flavor.
There are 15 trucks.
The last 3 times, the flavor changed. People are mad.
So it's just random where he shows up?
True randomization is impossible.
Where we come from dictates where we're going,
what attracts us, and what we're afraid of...
Especially what we're afraid of.
What's the "f" stand for, Walter?
Fico Vasquez.
This is what our Chef is afraid of.
The truck never goes within a 3-mile radius of Fico's house.
It's like one giant donut around the whole neighborhood.
We can use all of this to figure out where he's going next.
Nothing random. All connected. Patterns.
Buenos dias, Chef Alejandro.
Shake his hand.
I said, shake the man's hand.
So why didn't you leave the country?
You mean, to avoid Fico?
Miami's his city.
Oh, you know where would have been good?
Timbuktu.
I'm a dead man. I accepted that a long time ago.
I am an artist and a great Chef.
Anywhere I go, it's only a matter of time before the foodies find me.
They start whispering, I become famous.
I become famous, I die.
Fidel Castro's recipe?
Of course.
Except there's something missing,
something you put in it.
Genius?
Something more tangible.
Smoke.
You know about the smoke?
What's in it? Some kind of chili pepper?
A special havanero from a farm outside of Havana.
Generations of cross-breeding. Very rare.
Black market because of the embargo.
The ones I used in my truck were from a crate
that I stole from the Bella Plata when I took off.
It's impossible to get them now.
And by impossible, you mean...
They're sold by one grocer in one shop in all of Miami.
And I was one of the only persons who ever bought them.
And...
There's another "and."
And the shop is owned by Marina Vasquez,
Fico's Aunt.
Anyone buys those Chilis, Fico's alerted immediately.
It's a suicide mission.
If I get those Chilis, are you in?
Did you hear what I just said?
If you get the Chilis, people will die.
If I get the Chilis, are you in?
Of course he's in. He's an artist.
If you get the Chilis, I'm in.
You're in.
Ahh.
Mr. Sherman, what are you doing?
Mrs. Farrel! Come on in.
I will come in, Mr. Sherman. It's my office.
Ooh, seat?
Ooh, my seat?
Well, Monroe county's, probably.
So kind of my seat, if I paid taxes.
But ok, yes, your seat. Sit?
- I'll stand. - Right.
About Willa.
She's a felon, and a menace.
And you know, honestly, have you talked to her?
She's not even nice. I mean, ever.
But, better than Donnie Peters.
Peters?
Violent assault. Two strikes.
Beat his girlfriend with a phone...
One of the old, hard plastic ones? Phew.
Skipped out of Miami 3 months ago, never to return.
You know what? I know Donnie Peters, Mr. Sherman.
Of course you do, 'cause he's your parolee.
Skipped out on you, so you stare right at him
every day.
And I'll find him for you,
in exchange for Willa.
She may be a loser, but she's the only one I got.
Now, here's our problem, Mr. Sherman.
I know exactly where Donnie Peters is.
He is on his brother's houseboat in Gulf port, Mississippi.
He's probably sipping warm beer and trying to roofie underage girls.
But I can't get anybody to cross state lines
and lasso the son of a bitch.
You mean, like a U.S. Marshal?
Good luck getting one of those Prima Donnas to pay any attention.
Walter? Why did you call me down here?
What are you into now?
Isabel Zambada, U.S. Marshal,
Cristina Farrel, in need of a U.S. Marshal.
Young girls are being roofied.
Buenos dias.
Yes. Hi. How are you? Buenos dias.
No ingles.
Oh, right. Um...
Frijoles negros, crudos no enlatados.
- Aqui. - Oh, right over here.
Oh, I can see them. Thank you so much.
Ahem. Well, these are... You have a beautiful store.
This is wonderful.
Let me just get these in the bag.
Oh! Lo siento!
So I spilled the beans!
Oh, I am so embarrassed. Como se dice embarrassed?
I am so sorry. You know, my mom would kill me.
Oh, here.
I'm so sorry. I'd be happy to get this for you.
Yes. Um, I'll get this cleaned up in just a second.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Oh! Lo siento mucho.
Mucho lo siento. Miss, I am so sorry.
Como se dice klutz? Such beautiful glasses by the way
I'm just going to get this cleaned up,
and we're going to get out of your hair.
That is a beautiful, beautiful shirt you have on.
I bet you were quite the looker in your day.
Not that you're not now. Do you date much?
Ok.
Oh, yes.
Save, penso que esta noche, come di...
uh, chinese food? Bye bye.
Hey.
How many did you get?
All of them.
Looks like Walter found your magic peppers.
And looks like he got Willa out of jail to steal them.
Are those your smoky peppers?
¡Asi se hace!
You and me got to have a talk.
Walter said it was ok to steal these peppers
on account of the Robin Hood dispensation
by Kierkegaard.
That's not real.
Ok. On the move, people. Let's go. Come on.
OK. My bad.
Just let me do the talking, ok?
If by "talking," you mean sacrifice yourself
so me and Willa can get away?
Ah, ¿qué onda? Que buena vibra!
Con permiso, tengo que ir a la oficina.
He's going to shoot us just so you'll stop murdering his language.
This is for Marcos!
Who's Marcos?
The Sous-Chef.
I told you people would die!
I had an Uncle who could do that.
A Chef?
No.
So are you hiding from the good guys or the bad guys?
Heh. Both.
Yeah. Snitches get stitches.
So it's really cool of you to do this.
Or stupid.
Thank you for these.
It's what I do.
You should find something else to be good at.
Says the dude who knifed a mob guy.
You are so going to get killed.
Grown-ups are stupid.
Mmm. Mmm.
The guy you killed is Fico's cousin.
He tortured my Sous-Chef Marcos.
Why did you agree to help? For Marcos?
I wanted to make this one more time.
Just like a house is not a home,
food is not a meal, not without people. Mmm?
Willa's in the kitchen helping out.
She knows somebody already stalled for her, right?
You popped her from jail to steal.
She's good at it.
I'm trying to help her forget that.
She can't change.
You're worried she'll let me down, aren't you?
I'm worried she's going to sneak into your room
and steal your pants.
Or... something more valuable.
Walter. What in the hell?
Hey! You made it for dinner!
No, I didn't.
That is Alejandro Lopez-Fernandez in there. My witness?
Surprise!
Didn't I tell you to stay out of the Vasquez thing?
No. You told me to be careful.
Were you?
Can you be more specific?
Did you stab a man today?
No!
- Did she? - No!
Did somebody here?
Don't even tell me. I need to figure this out.
It's not who you think.
Hint, hint.
Oh, you are not being cute right now.
People saw you in little Havana.
Ooh. They're here.
Who's here? Who's here, Walter?
You're involved in this somehow.
So are you.
Ladies, gentleman, Willa.
Joe and Annie Turnbull.
Hey, everybody.
Honey? Now can you tell me what this is all about?
Here.
Joe, is that...
Happy anniversary, Annie.
Ahem. All right.
I'm going to go back to my place and order a pizza. Isabel?
What?
I'm done. You hired me to find a meal.
Found it. There it is.
Your marriage is your problem.
Walter. That's not a meal.
That's just... That's just food.
This... we... are the meal.
All right. Isabel. Go talk to her.
Me? Why?
Oh, because I'm the girl?
If you knew me, you would stop me.
I never imagined when we went to
the Bella Plata that first time that Joe was the guy.
When did you imagine it?
By dessert.
I knew things had gone bad between us.
Not bad-bad, but you know, just not as good.
It happens in a lot of marriages.
But, you know, you just...
Lower your expectations. And I thought...
"Well, Annie, that's ok.
"It's not so bad.
Joe's a good man."
It's just...
This idea...
That all this time, he knew...
And he hadn't lowered his expectations.
It just breaks my heart.
She'll bring her back.
If not, we'll think of something.
Am I on the list?
Vasquez, party of me?
Alejandro!
You've heard "bringing a knife to a gunfight"?
This is where they get that.
Did you use that to kill my cousin?
If you want to kill me, kill me.
Just leave these people alone.
Oh, I'm going to kill you.
But if I kill you, I have to kill all these other people.
That's always how it goes.
Ahem. Question. Hi. Walter.
Um, do you mind if they eat first?
I kind of need them to eat it for it to count as me finding it.
Even the condemned get a last meal.
- Yes! - Yeah?
Yes.
Yes!
All of us! The last meal.
So. You're the one who lets my barber feel her up.
He does not feel me up.
I'm not judging. Work is work.
You federales are the judge-y ones.
Ahh.
The old clothes.
A toast...
To new friends and old.
May these memories last a lifetime.
Ish.
I am so sorry.
Please, let's just...
Yes! Alejandro.
I had forgotten. This is fantastic.
It's not just the Chilis,
but how you prepare them first, isn't it?
Isn't it!
They're part of the soffritto, not the seasoning, yes.
It's all about the soffritto.
My phone is in my bag.
If I can get to my phone, I can call...
Excuse me. You're whispering what?
She was just saying that if she can get to her phone,
she can call for help. Ahem.
What the... Walter, Walter?
Show her. Ahem.
See?
You have an alert. Take your birth control pill.
Oh, thank you.
- He's going to kill us. - Yeah.
Not till later.
You should've said "no" when he asked you to steal.
You say "no" all the time. Leo!
That's not fair!
I recognize you two. Hmm?
Once a year at the Bella Plata.
Am I right?
Tonight, once a year at the Bella Plata.
It's our anniversary.
It's my niece's birthday!
We went every year when she was a girl.
Julio, remind me, I need to call Juliana after this.
- She's in college now. - Oh, wow.
Vanderbilt.
Wow. Congratulations.
Children? Or birth control, like this trampy one?
Fico, we can work this out, hmm?
If I was going to say anything,
if I had anything to say,
wouldn't I have said it already?
I gave you... the best kitchen money could buy you.
We sourced only organic!
Food costs higher than any restaurant in Miami! Did I complain?
What did you care? You were laundering the money!
You can't prove that.
No, not without the Sous-Chef you killed, no, I cannot!
I never laid a hand on Marcos.
No, your cousin did that.
The one you killed today.
What...
I love my husband!
I love him!
I don't know about anybody else,
but I believe him.
He's going to kill us.
Maybe this happens to you all the time,
but it's new to me.
I fell in love with this man
over this food 6 years ago.
Your food.
Your restaurant.
I still love him.
Thank you for this, Joe.
For not giving up on us.
And if this truly is the last time I get to eat this food,
or hold my husband's hand,
I would just appreciate it
if you all would just shut the hell up
and let me enjoy it!
Pass the rice, please.
Ahh.
Before we get started,
I would ask anyone who has stolen cutlery tonight
to please surrender it.
It's my understanding that...
Mr. Knox would like to say a few words.
There is love at this table.
Also friendship, fellowship, family,
and whatever you two have.
It seems to me for Mr. Vasquez
to reconsider his current plan of action,
he needs assurance that Mr. Lopez-Fernandez will refrain
from any testimony which may cause Mr. Vasquez
any detriment.
Are you kidding, Leo? He's a witness.
To an argument between two dead men. He saw nothing.
Uh, that is true. I didn't see anything.
I was hiding in the meat locker.
That's where you were?
That's great. Well, I'm going to subpoena all your asses.
Which is why I propose this contract
between Mr. Vasquezand and Mr. Lopez-Fernandez...
A business partnership, the Bella Plata.
Continue.
Mr. Vasquez sells Mr. Lopez-Fernandez
50% of the restaurant for $1.00
and reinstalls him as head Chef.
In addition, it is agreed
that if Mr. Vasquez is incarcerated
based on testimony given by Mr. Lopez-Fernandez,
Mr. Vasquez's share of the Bella Plata
transfers to his partner.
That doesn't seem fair.
It means if I make the Chef testify against the scumbag,
the scumbag's lawyer will destroy the Chef on cross-examination.
Control of the restaurant will become his motive to lie.
And his entire testimony will be useless.
What about all this gun-waving and threatening and stuff?
Dinner theater.
Long live the Bella Plata!
And us!
And...
this will hold up in court?
Me! Notary! Ok.
Doggy bag? You didn't eat much.
I wonder why.
You know, I don't know what
you're going to ruin first... my life or my career.
Oh, take the longer view.
Sometimes, things seem messed up, but they work out.
Oh, is that what you do?
'Cause I don't think I've seen you taking the longer view,
- like, ever. - I do.
On some things.
Another one of Leo's napkins?
It's from Fico.
It's an IOU. For what?
That's for you to decide.
Just take the longer view.
Want to make out?
With you?
Yeah. A lot.
God, you're easy.
Mmm.
Don't forget what happened to the man
who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
What happened?
He lived happily ever after.
Are you quoting "Willy Wonka"?
Mmm.
Ripped By mstoll