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00:00:01,303 --> 00:00:03,237
♪ Cleanup, cleanup ♪
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00:00:03,357 --> 00:00:05,777
♪ do your own housework,
you little crackers ♪
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- what?
- My kindergarten teacher
4
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was a former black panther.
5
00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:09,761
Oh.
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00:00:10,296 --> 00:00:12,363
Hey, I'm gonna fix that
loose baseboard upstairs.
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00:00:12,431 --> 00:00:13,398
Wow, look at you,
8
00:00:13,465 --> 00:00:14,933
all sweaty with your tool belt
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00:00:15,001 --> 00:00:16,334
and your '90s haircut.
10
00:00:16,402 --> 00:00:17,803
You look like
you're in a gay porno.
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Oh, yeah?
You're one to talk, buddy.
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[Bronx accent] I'm Brent.
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I'm the new guy on the crew.
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I'm Rod.
I'm the boss.
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And what I say goes.
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I've never been
with a man before.
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Looks like
I'm the boss now... Rod.
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- Oh! What are we doing?
- I don't know.
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Whatever! Let's wrestle!
It doesn't matter.
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00:00:38,322 --> 00:00:39,723
[Chuckles]
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Liz, what is "adoption stuff"?
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[Chuckles]
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- Are you adopting a kid?
- No. Don't worry.
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That's from a long time ago.
It's not happening.
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00:00:47,031 --> 00:00:50,700
You have a baby name book,
and you circled Adolf?
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00:00:50,768 --> 00:00:52,068
Actually, I borrowed that book
from my mother,
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so be glad I'm not a boy.
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Okay, well,
why'd you give up on it?
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I have to work late tonight.
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What am I gonna do with Joshua?
[Baby crying]
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I thought I could do this
by myself.
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You know what?
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00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:05,313
Murphy brown lied to us.
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She had Eldin.
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[Crying continues]
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Can you hold that, please?
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You closed the door on her?
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The point, Criss,
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is I didn't want
to be that woman.
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I didn't want to do it alone.
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But let's face it.
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Jim Dial, Frank Fontana, Corky,
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even Miles, in his own way.
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Yeah, but you're not alone now,
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and if a kid is something
that you still want,
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and you're in your 40s,
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then... [Pants]
We should...
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we should have a...
we should have
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00:01:31,705 --> 00:01:33,273
a serious conversation
right now.
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Oh, my God, relax.
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This is my life, and I love it.
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I've got my job,
and I've got you,
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and I keep getting
my neighborallure magazine.
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If there's anything that needs
fixing in my life,
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it's a certain loose baseboard.
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Okay, well, I'm gonna fix it.
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And do not send Brent up there.
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I won't.
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[Bronx accent] Dude, I'm back
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from the hardware store.
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[Exciting jazz music]
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♪ ♪
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Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for
www.Addic7ed.Com
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this country's taken
some hits lately.
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But when we get hit
and are down,
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we don't stay down.
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We get up, and we hit back
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00:02:26,925 --> 00:02:29,692
with our fists
or our nunchakus.
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00:02:29,759 --> 00:02:32,962
And then, when we're done
hitting and we're tired,
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'cause nunchaku-ing
can wear a guy out,
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we sit down on a couch,
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an American couch...
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A Kouchtown couch.
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[Jazzy chord]
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Damn.
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Lemon, do you know
you are sitting
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00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,378
on 5,000 new jobs?
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And not jobs that came
from some government bailout.
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They came
from a rich white guy.
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We have been creating and
solving this country's pRoblems
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for 200 years.
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Where's our history month?
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It is a nice couch.
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Good lumbar support.
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Absorbent fabric for nap drool.
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That's just the prototype.
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As we speak,
our fellow countrymen
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are rolling the new
Kabletown couches
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off the assembly line,
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earning an honest day's pay
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so they can go to the store
and buy milk for their families,
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which costs...
[Sucks in air]
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I don't know, $90 a gallon?
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I'm meeting
with the vendors tomorrow,
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Raymour and his
conjoined twin, Flanigan.
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Ashley of Ashley furniture
will be there,
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and he is a genitally
androgynous pinhead.
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Hmm.
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It's a colorful industry
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with a lot of fun characters.
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Well, good luck fixing America.
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I hope success
isn't far, far away.
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What aboutstar wars
do you want to say, lemon?
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Let's just get to it.
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I did some spring cleaning
this morning,
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and I found this
baby princess Leia costume
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that I bought years ago,
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and I thought
it might fit Liddy.
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Oh, thank you, lemon.
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It might be a bit small
by Halloween.
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Halloween?
A girl can wear this anywhere.
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School, church,
alone on the playground,
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a child therapist's office.
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Also, I thought you might want
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this Nixon biography that my dad
gave me for my birthday.
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It had just come out,
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so as a joke,
my dad signed it as Nixon.
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Yes, a joke.
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Nixon's been dead
almost 20 years,
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not in cryogenic hibernation,
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resting up for 2016.
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I'm getting rid of all my junk
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so Criss can redo the upstairs.
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Wow, you two
are really nesting.
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Yeah, all that's missing
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is the joint
answering machine message.
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00:04:30,807 --> 00:04:31,773
I'm thinking Sonny and...
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00:04:31,841 --> 00:04:33,575
[imitating cher] Cher.
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Lemon, I know
how this will be received,
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but before it's too late,
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let me set you up with someone.
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Oh, my God.
Come on, Jack.
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My colleague is newly single.
His name is Kevin.
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00:04:42,418 --> 00:04:43,651
I'm gonna stop you at Kevin.
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00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,987
Has anyone ever known
a good person named Kevin?
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00:04:46,055 --> 00:04:48,089
Kevin garnett
helped me move once.
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00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,154
I'm good, thanks.
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Kevin costner cooked me dinner
after a bad breakup.
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00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:54,794
Kevin Sorbo intRoduced me
to his podiatrist.
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[Horn blares]
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This is an outrage.
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I didn't get to work
an hour late
145
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just to be the first one here.
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00:05:01,936 --> 00:05:04,004
I'm sorry, tray.
I don't know where Jenna is.
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00:05:04,072 --> 00:05:05,205
I'm sorry I'm late.
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I was busy burning down
the panda express
149
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that I had fallen in love with.
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00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,777
Oh, my God, Jenna.
Are you okay?
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00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,045
I'm fine, Liz.
152
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I'm just having
a celebrity breakdown.
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It's the new sex tape.
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Something I wish I'd known
before I released my sex tape
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with the six flags guy.
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- So this is just for attention?
- Exactly.
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Anyone who's anyone
has had a breakdown.
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"Da-mi", "de-mi",
Heather, Lindsay,
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00:05:26,892 --> 00:05:28,360
Britney, Muammar...
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00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:30,528
so sad.
A life cut short.
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He gave the best diamonds.
Okay, good.
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00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:34,466
I thought maybe you were
really losing it,
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00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,334
because, you know,
Paul's with someone else and...
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00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,870
oh, no.
This is for Paul.
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You see,
when you have a breakdown,
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all your old lovers
come out of the woodwork.
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Justin and K-fed,
Bruce and Ashton,
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00:05:44,643 --> 00:05:47,244
Samantha Ronson
and Herbie the Lovebug.
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This is how I get Paul back.
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00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,848
Wow, that is idiotic.
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00:05:50,916 --> 00:05:53,183
But as long as it
doesn't affect work...
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what's that, celestia?
All right.
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I'll do it.
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[Alarm blares]
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00:06:06,330 --> 00:06:07,731
Mr. Donaghy, hi.
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00:06:07,798 --> 00:06:09,032
I'm Stewart der.
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00:06:09,099 --> 00:06:10,767
I'm the chief engineer
here at Kouchtown.
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Do you know the history
of this building, Stewart?
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00:06:12,537 --> 00:06:15,604
During world war ii,
the Bazooka Joe corporation
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used a softer version
of their gum
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00:06:17,841 --> 00:06:20,475
to make armor-piercing
bullets... Here.
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00:06:20,544 --> 00:06:23,278
Years later,
the government took it over.
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00:06:23,346 --> 00:06:24,947
They turned it
into a training facility
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00:06:25,015 --> 00:06:27,449
for single mothers
to teach illegal immigrants
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00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,384
how to fill out
unemployment forms.
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00:06:29,452 --> 00:06:31,252
But then we took it back.
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00:06:31,319 --> 00:06:34,155
Ah, good morning,
fellow patriots.
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Keep voting republican.
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We've got your back.
190
00:06:37,392 --> 00:06:38,927
Now let me have a look
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at this marvel
of American industry.
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[Dramatic chords]
193
00:06:43,032 --> 00:06:45,066
Good God!
194
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:46,600
This doesn't look
like the prototype.
195
00:06:46,668 --> 00:06:47,668
Looks more like the prototype
196
00:06:47,735 --> 00:06:49,536
than most things in this world.
197
00:06:49,604 --> 00:06:50,604
How could this happen?
198
00:06:50,672 --> 00:06:52,405
The one in my office
was perfect.
199
00:06:52,473 --> 00:06:54,274
Oh, we didn't make
the prototype.
200
00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:56,009
We bought it at west elm.
201
00:06:56,077 --> 00:06:58,439
Besides you,
whom do I fire for this?
202
00:06:58,477 --> 00:07:00,080
I don't know. You?
203
00:07:00,147 --> 00:07:01,647
I mean, you're the one
who insisted on hiring
204
00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:03,148
American engineers.
205
00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:05,417
All they teach us now is
how to build rollercoasters
206
00:07:05,485 --> 00:07:06,852
and survivor challenges.
207
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,089
This is what we've been
making for the past month?
208
00:07:10,156 --> 00:07:11,791
We have 10,000 of these?
209
00:07:11,858 --> 00:07:14,159
I wouldn't know.
I'm not a math guy, really.
210
00:07:14,227 --> 00:07:16,361
This is only a setback.
211
00:07:16,429 --> 00:07:18,663
I just have to create a market
for terrible couches.
212
00:07:18,731 --> 00:07:22,067
Besides, what did
Theodore "Bazooka" Joe do
213
00:07:22,134 --> 00:07:23,668
when his eccentric
millionaire father
214
00:07:23,736 --> 00:07:26,237
left him nothing
but a tiny pink rock quarry?
215
00:07:26,305 --> 00:07:30,308
He baked those rocks
and sold them to children.
216
00:07:30,375 --> 00:07:32,644
As gum.
217
00:07:36,214 --> 00:07:37,715
Tracy, I need your input.
218
00:07:37,782 --> 00:07:40,050
I cannot give it to you.
I'm a married man.
219
00:07:40,118 --> 00:07:41,283
But more importantly,
220
00:07:41,351 --> 00:07:42,952
I find you very unattractive.
221
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:44,954
No, I need your advice.
222
00:07:45,022 --> 00:07:46,489
I'm having
a celebrity breakdown.
223
00:07:46,556 --> 00:07:48,124
I've been there, j-mo.
224
00:07:48,191 --> 00:07:49,325
What's the matter?
225
00:07:49,392 --> 00:07:51,094
Partying too hard
with Christian slater?
226
00:07:51,161 --> 00:07:53,529
Furious about Nafta?
Y2k panic?
227
00:07:53,597 --> 00:07:55,231
My heyday was the '90s.
228
00:07:55,298 --> 00:07:57,232
No, Tracy, I'm faking it
229
00:07:57,299 --> 00:07:59,234
to get Paul to come back
and take care of me.
230
00:07:59,301 --> 00:08:01,103
Fake breakdown.
231
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,085
Interesting.
232
00:08:02,104 --> 00:08:04,172
I thought next I'd go nuts
on thetodayshow,
233
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,174
really blow it out.
Jenna!
234
00:08:06,242 --> 00:08:09,048
Did Hamlet start the play
by stabbing people?
235
00:08:09,168 --> 00:08:09,978
No.
236
00:08:10,046 --> 00:08:12,980
He started by being boring
and ruining my anniversary,
237
00:08:13,048 --> 00:08:14,849
'cause Angie wanted
to take advantage
238
00:08:14,916 --> 00:08:16,784
of "all the great theatre
in New York".
239
00:08:16,852 --> 00:08:18,185
Okay, I get it.
240
00:08:18,253 --> 00:08:20,121
You have to build
to the big breakdown,
241
00:08:20,188 --> 00:08:22,456
like in
a c+c music factory song.
242
00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:24,224
My heyday was also the '90s.
243
00:08:24,292 --> 00:08:25,993
So what have you done so far?
244
00:08:26,061 --> 00:08:27,494
Well, I've acted crazy at work.
245
00:08:27,562 --> 00:08:29,529
And I think this blind item
in the post
246
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,997
is about me.
247
00:08:31,065 --> 00:08:32,832
"What teenage a-lister..."
248
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,901
get serious!
249
00:08:34,969 --> 00:08:36,536
We have work to do.
250
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:39,338
Hey, want to watch Mythbusters?
251
00:08:39,406 --> 00:08:40,774
Mm. Can we have sex after?
252
00:08:40,841 --> 00:08:42,475
'Cause those guys always put
fuel in my tank.
253
00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:44,777
[Cell phone dings]
254
00:08:44,844 --> 00:08:48,480
Who is
cigarfan@nbcuni.Com?
255
00:08:48,548 --> 00:08:51,616
"Avail 4 javamanana per Jack.
256
00:08:51,685 --> 00:08:53,504
Deets 2 follow. Kev"
257
00:08:53,624 --> 00:08:54,753
who is kev?
258
00:08:54,821 --> 00:08:58,037
Oh, my God.
He gave him my email?
259
00:08:58,056 --> 00:08:58,657
Who gave who your email?
260
00:08:58,725 --> 00:08:59,892
Okay, I know you're not
gonna be threatened
261
00:08:59,959 --> 00:09:01,092
or jealous about this.
262
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:02,727
'Cause I got it going on?
263
00:09:02,795 --> 00:09:03,728
Jack is trying to set me up
264
00:09:03,796 --> 00:09:05,029
with some d-bag
he works with.
265
00:09:05,097 --> 00:09:07,298
"Sent from one of
my four iPads"?
266
00:09:07,365 --> 00:09:08,833
This guy sounds amazing.
267
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:10,267
Obviously, I'm not going.
268
00:09:10,335 --> 00:09:12,970
Let me just write him back
in his language.
269
00:09:13,038 --> 00:09:15,684
"Broseph.
Sor-sor on the haps..."
270
00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:17,540
no, you know what?
You should go.
271
00:09:17,608 --> 00:09:18,902
What, are you kidding?
272
00:09:18,921 --> 00:09:19,609
No, if you don't go,
273
00:09:19,677 --> 00:09:20,744
you're not gonna be able
to tell Jack
274
00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:21,945
how wrong he is.
275
00:09:22,013 --> 00:09:23,814
If you do go just have coffee
with this guy,
276
00:09:23,881 --> 00:09:25,481
maybe Jack will shut up,
277
00:09:25,549 --> 00:09:27,084
and I'll finally get
the acceptance
278
00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,285
that, you know,
every 39-year-old man craves
279
00:09:29,353 --> 00:09:30,620
from his girlfriend's boss.
280
00:09:30,688 --> 00:09:32,155
I do like telling Jack
when he's wrong.
281
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,523
And maybe Kevin
will insist on paying,
282
00:09:34,591 --> 00:09:37,459
and I can get a jazz cd
and a ham sandwich.
283
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:40,863
"Dudely, let's make coffee
our bitch."
284
00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:48,763
When did we get so soft?
285
00:09:49,036 --> 00:09:51,070
You know what this country
used to sit on?
286
00:09:51,138 --> 00:09:52,338
Logs.
287
00:09:52,405 --> 00:09:53,606
Girders.
288
00:09:53,673 --> 00:09:54,607
Poles.
289
00:09:54,674 --> 00:09:56,242
Being comfortable?
290
00:09:56,309 --> 00:10:00,212
That's not what America's
all about.
291
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:04,149
Kouchtown.
Sit down or get out of the way.
292
00:10:04,217 --> 00:10:05,751
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
293
00:10:05,818 --> 00:10:07,152
Help, I can't move.
294
00:10:07,220 --> 00:10:10,722
Tell me, can you even look
at the television?
295
00:10:10,790 --> 00:10:12,257
I can see the floor.
296
00:10:12,324 --> 00:10:14,258
I can see the veins
behind my eyes.
297
00:10:14,325 --> 00:10:16,193
Oh! I can see pain!
298
00:10:16,261 --> 00:10:17,361
Come.
299
00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:19,396
My whole body is asleep.
Oh!
300
00:10:19,464 --> 00:10:21,298
That's a bad couch, Jack.
301
00:10:21,366 --> 00:10:22,299
It is unfortunate.
302
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,235
The design forces the sitter
303
00:10:24,302 --> 00:10:26,303
into what Israeli
military interrogators call
304
00:10:26,371 --> 00:10:28,839
a stress position.
305
00:10:28,907 --> 00:10:29,839
Oh.
306
00:10:29,907 --> 00:10:31,440
It cuts off circulation
to the legs
307
00:10:31,508 --> 00:10:33,843
while simultaneously
spreading out the ribcage,
308
00:10:33,911 --> 00:10:35,522
making it difficult to breathe
309
00:10:35,523 --> 00:10:38,114
while the body begs
for oxygenated blood.
310
00:10:38,182 --> 00:10:40,049
It comes in espresso,
dandelion,
311
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,451
putty, and,
as you see here, lagoon.
312
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:44,888
So you're gonna just try
to sell discomfort?
313
00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:46,155
I don't have a choice.
314
00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:47,355
If I blow this,
315
00:10:47,423 --> 00:10:48,891
Hank hooper will never give me
another shot.
316
00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:51,059
I'll spend the rest of my career
behind this desk
317
00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:52,828
trying to lure alf
back to television.
318
00:10:52,896 --> 00:10:54,129
Okay, Jack.
319
00:10:54,197 --> 00:10:56,731
Well, I'm gonna go meet
your buddy Kevin now.
320
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,667
Yes, he mentioned
you were getting together.
321
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,402
And you certainly are
dressed to impress.
322
00:11:00,469 --> 00:11:01,770
You look like
a substitute teacher
323
00:11:01,837 --> 00:11:03,370
who just got
her one-year a.A. Chip.
324
00:11:03,438 --> 00:11:05,639
Well, I'm just doing this
as a formality, Jack.
325
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,648
Lemon, I know
you don't trust me,
326
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,676
but keep an open mind.
327
00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:10,278
I'll do my best,
but I watched, like,
328
00:11:10,345 --> 00:11:11,846
thrMythbusters last night,
329
00:11:11,914 --> 00:11:14,849
so I'm pretty exhausted,
if you know what I mean.
330
00:11:17,286 --> 00:11:19,853
Our next guest has had
a troubling 24 hours
331
00:11:19,921 --> 00:11:21,321
that has the tabloids talking
332
00:11:21,388 --> 00:11:25,258
and her friends... Concerned.
333
00:11:25,326 --> 00:11:26,392
Let's take a look.
334
00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:27,460
Thank you.
335
00:11:27,528 --> 00:11:28,895
Dhanalakshmi,
I'm happy for you,
336
00:11:28,963 --> 00:11:30,663
and I'm gonna let you finish,
but I just gotta say,
337
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,465
Gurubarath Kurrupuswami spelled
338
00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:35,000
one of the toughest words
of all time!
339
00:11:35,068 --> 00:11:36,668
That's yesterday afternoon.
340
00:11:36,736 --> 00:11:38,237
Here you are
earlier this morning
341
00:11:38,305 --> 00:11:42,774
being asked to leave
dick Cavett's birthday party.
342
00:11:42,843 --> 00:11:44,710
That's unfortunate.
343
00:11:44,777 --> 00:11:48,881
Then a kleptomania relapse
ending in orgasm and arrest.
344
00:11:48,949 --> 00:11:51,316
Tracy: Wow, Jenna Maroney
has gone crazy.
345
00:11:51,383 --> 00:11:53,751
She sure has,
said the second guy.
346
00:11:53,819 --> 00:11:55,753
Jenna, I know a lot of people
are asking,
347
00:11:55,821 --> 00:11:57,288
are you okay?
348
00:11:57,356 --> 00:11:59,357
Matthew, I'd really prefer
to just talk
349
00:11:59,424 --> 00:12:01,125
about my upcoming project.
350
00:12:01,193 --> 00:12:04,729
Me running through that window.
351
00:12:04,796 --> 00:12:06,597
Aah!
352
00:12:06,665 --> 00:12:07,965
[People scream]
353
00:12:08,032 --> 00:12:09,667
[Stilted voice]
Right this way, folks.
354
00:12:09,735 --> 00:12:12,135
Mr. Donaghy will be with you
in just a moment.
355
00:12:12,203 --> 00:12:13,471
[Normal voice] I'm so sorry.
356
00:12:13,538 --> 00:12:15,272
Where I'm from,
Uncle Sam's mouth is sewn up,
357
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:18,576
and then he's set on fire,
so I don't know how he talks.
358
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:25,983
Greetings, gentlemen
359
00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:28,718
and female eunuchs
of the furniture industry.
360
00:12:28,786 --> 00:12:32,622
I give you a new couch
for a new era,
361
00:12:32,690 --> 00:12:35,259
designed and manufactured in...
362
00:12:35,326 --> 00:12:36,860
[Groaning] America.
363
00:12:36,928 --> 00:12:38,450
It's a simple couch.
364
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:39,695
Oh, good God, my leg!
365
00:12:39,763 --> 00:12:41,163
I can hack it.
366
00:12:41,231 --> 00:12:42,398
Pain is in the mind.
367
00:12:42,465 --> 00:12:43,599
Oh, sweet heaven.
368
00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:45,451
It's like I'm full
of lightning.
369
00:12:45,488 --> 00:12:46,765
Jack, it's Ethan Allen.
370
00:12:46,784 --> 00:12:47,536
Are you all right?
371
00:12:47,604 --> 00:12:48,670
What do you want to know?
372
00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:49,872
I'll tell you anything
to make it stop.
373
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:52,241
You want secrets?
I'll give you secrets.
374
00:12:52,309 --> 00:12:54,543
This couch...
Is a failure.
375
00:12:54,611 --> 00:12:55,877
I hate golf.
376
00:12:55,945 --> 00:12:57,812
One time in college,
I smoked a clove cigarette.
377
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,681
I keep buying candles as gifts
and keeping them for myself.
378
00:13:00,749 --> 00:13:03,218
My natural hair color
is bright red.
379
00:13:03,286 --> 00:13:04,386
Agh!
380
00:13:04,453 --> 00:13:05,520
Amateur hour.
381
00:13:05,587 --> 00:13:07,088
Ugh!
382
00:13:07,156 --> 00:13:08,290
Agh.
383
00:13:08,357 --> 00:13:09,824
Good luck finding
someone stupid enough
384
00:13:09,892 --> 00:13:11,325
to buy those couches, Donaghy.
385
00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:13,326
Everybody loCate your buddy,
386
00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:15,463
and let's make our way
to the subway.
387
00:13:18,433 --> 00:13:19,566
I'm sorry, sir.
388
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:23,804
If I could buy your couches,
I would.
389
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:26,980
You know,
that's exactly what you'll do.
390
00:13:27,008 --> 00:13:27,340
Okay.
391
00:13:27,408 --> 00:13:29,642
And will you accept dancing
as money?
392
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,510
Kenneth.
393
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,647
Drag me to my office.
394
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:37,650
Agh!
395
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:44,656
I issued a statement
on your behalf using Twitter.
396
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,558
A media-savvy crackhead,
I know.
397
00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:48,893
I said that you were being
treated for exhaustion
398
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,528
and that you wanted
to thank your fans
399
00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:51,763
for all their support,
400
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,167
and also, you saw Tracy Jordan
do 11 pushups.
401
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:56,734
I just hope this works.
402
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:58,070
Well, some of your
former loved ones
403
00:13:58,137 --> 00:13:59,236
are already here.
404
00:13:59,304 --> 00:14:00,439
[Door opens]
405
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:03,707
[Mysterious whisper]
David Blaine.
406
00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,909
I can see that you're
on a skateboard, David.
407
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:09,847
This is why we broke up, Jenna.
408
00:14:09,914 --> 00:14:12,749
I know we only spent
one night together.
409
00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:14,685
I don't know
what you're talking about.
410
00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:16,619
That never happened.
Sure it did.
411
00:14:16,687 --> 00:14:18,188
I ate a pizza slice
off your back.
412
00:14:18,255 --> 00:14:20,123
At one point,
your veneers fell off,
413
00:14:20,191 --> 00:14:21,291
and you had
these little baby fangs.
414
00:14:21,359 --> 00:14:23,126
Thank you, Frank.
415
00:14:23,194 --> 00:14:25,228
It feels like only yesterday
416
00:14:25,296 --> 00:14:26,963
you were in my gym class,
Jenna.
417
00:14:27,031 --> 00:14:29,532
Now, you weren't the only
student I dated,
418
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,436
but you were the only one
who shot my wife.
419
00:14:34,504 --> 00:14:36,438
Jmo, these are
from Mickey Rourke.
420
00:14:36,506 --> 00:14:38,040
No! Tracy, put them down!
421
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:40,476
Both: [Screaming]
422
00:14:47,916 --> 00:14:49,117
I don't know.
423
00:14:49,184 --> 00:14:50,985
Maybe 'cause I'm
a season ticket holder?
424
00:14:51,053 --> 00:14:52,920
Hi, you must be kevi...
425
00:14:52,988 --> 00:14:55,456
no. No, let me fin...
426
00:14:55,524 --> 00:14:56,491
let me finish.
427
00:14:56,558 --> 00:14:57,625
- Are you...
- He's my dad.
428
00:14:57,692 --> 00:14:59,727
It's "take your daughter
to work" day,
429
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:01,996
which I object to
on feminist grounds.
430
00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:03,163
It's patronizing.
431
00:15:03,231 --> 00:15:04,731
Like girls don't know
what jobs are.
432
00:15:04,798 --> 00:15:05,899
I'm Liz, by the way.
433
00:15:05,966 --> 00:15:07,634
I'm Catherine,
but everyone calls me Cat.
434
00:15:07,701 --> 00:15:09,336
Although I'm trying to get
people at school
435
00:15:09,404 --> 00:15:11,670
to call me scout,
like in to kill a mockingbird.
436
00:15:11,738 --> 00:15:12,804
I love that book.
437
00:15:12,872 --> 00:15:14,573
I had my first crush
on a shop teacher
438
00:15:14,641 --> 00:15:16,342
who looked
just like Boo Radley.
439
00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:19,245
Yeah, scout's not getting
much traction, though.
440
00:15:19,312 --> 00:15:20,413
Well, it's hard
to force a nickname.
441
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:21,680
I tried to get
my high school tennis team
442
00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:22,948
to call me ace,
443
00:15:23,016 --> 00:15:24,616
but they wanted to call me
shorts accident.
444
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:27,085
So we settled on supervirgin.
445
00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:28,553
Okay, so I might not get scout,
446
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:31,156
but I can negotiate up
from puked in thermos.
447
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,224
Well, then,
let me ask you this.
448
00:15:33,292 --> 00:15:34,959
Would Jeremy lin be willing
449
00:15:35,027 --> 00:15:37,995
to videotape a message
for my buddy's bachelor party?
450
00:15:38,064 --> 00:15:40,098
Ugh.
451
00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:41,666
Sorry. She's with me.
452
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,133
It's "take your daughter
to work" day,
453
00:15:43,201 --> 00:15:45,135
and Kabletown's really
into all this family shiz.
454
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:46,770
So what have you learned today?
455
00:15:46,837 --> 00:15:49,339
That people who talk
the most in meetings
456
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,374
often know the least.
457
00:15:50,442 --> 00:15:51,943
She sat in two meetings
with me.
458
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:53,213
I crushed it.
459
00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,811
So what's your deal?
You ski?
460
00:15:54,879 --> 00:15:57,214
I don't. You know, if I'm
gonna fall down a hill and die,
461
00:15:57,282 --> 00:15:58,481
I want to do it for free.
[Cell phone rings]
462
00:15:58,549 --> 00:16:01,184
Brian. What is up, slick?
463
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,722
Do you think
I could pull off a haircut
464
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:03,914
like scout had in the movie?
465
00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:04,919
I've been there, Cat,
466
00:16:04,938 --> 00:16:05,821
and you should know
467
00:16:05,889 --> 00:16:07,848
that people are gonna assume
that you're...
468
00:16:07,886 --> 00:16:08,857
I'm a lesbian?
I know.
469
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:11,160
I just needed to hear it.
[Chuckles]
470
00:16:15,529 --> 00:16:16,994
So, what do you want to
be when you grow up?
471
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,851
Either the wicked queen
inDisney on ice
472
00:16:19,206 --> 00:16:20,872
or the third woman president.
473
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:23,440
Well played.
I am giving you gum for that.
474
00:16:23,508 --> 00:16:25,609
Where is he?
Where is "kev"?
475
00:16:25,677 --> 00:16:26,677
It's game go.
476
00:16:26,745 --> 00:16:27,844
What are you doing?
What...
477
00:16:27,912 --> 00:16:29,513
game go is not a phrase.
I don't know.
478
00:16:29,581 --> 00:16:31,047
I just got really wound up
at the thought
479
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,516
of you getting checked out
by some creep.
480
00:16:32,584 --> 00:16:33,651
And he's in trouble, too,
481
00:16:33,718 --> 00:16:34,851
'cause I watched
some boxercise videos
482
00:16:34,919 --> 00:16:37,254
on demand
before coming down here.
483
00:16:37,322 --> 00:16:39,322
Hi. I'm Criss.
484
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:41,491
This is Cat.
This is Kevin's daughter.
485
00:16:41,558 --> 00:16:43,326
She's awesome, unlike Kevin,
486
00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:45,161
who is wearing a rope bracelet.
487
00:16:45,228 --> 00:16:46,362
And I did not give it to him.
488
00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:47,764
People assume I gave it to him,
489
00:16:47,831 --> 00:16:49,332
but I'm like, "you're not
pinning that on me."
490
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,000
I can't believe
you really came down here
491
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,302
to try to fight my date.
492
00:16:52,369 --> 00:16:54,203
That hasn't happened to me
since senior prom,
493
00:16:54,271 --> 00:16:56,405
when Rob Sussman tried
to fight Richard Sallatto
494
00:16:56,472 --> 00:16:58,206
because they had secretly
broken up with each other
495
00:16:58,274 --> 00:17:00,141
the night before.
496
00:17:00,209 --> 00:17:01,343
[Panting]
497
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,911
Why are you so out of breath?
498
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:04,346
'Cause I ran
all the way down here.
499
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:05,561
Why didn't you just take
the subway?
500
00:17:05,590 --> 00:17:07,949
'Cause that's not romantic.
Watch a movie, Liz.
501
00:17:08,017 --> 00:17:10,251
I wish my boyfriend
did stuff like this,
502
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,152
but I feel the passion is gone
503
00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:14,555
since he left for college.
504
00:17:14,623 --> 00:17:16,390
I'm totally messing with you.
505
00:17:16,458 --> 00:17:17,458
Guys, I'm 11.
506
00:17:17,526 --> 00:17:18,559
Oh, thank God.
507
00:17:18,627 --> 00:17:20,561
That is not funny, young lady.
508
00:17:20,629 --> 00:17:22,062
It's a little funny.
509
00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:23,698
I'm sorry, j-mo.
510
00:17:23,765 --> 00:17:25,065
I called the front desk,
511
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:26,400
but there's
no one else down there.
512
00:17:26,468 --> 00:17:28,468
Paul didn't come.
513
00:17:28,536 --> 00:17:31,738
I guess I faked this
stupid breakdown for nothing.
514
00:17:31,806 --> 00:17:33,072
Jenna, I've been thinking.
515
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:34,374
Why? You're famous.
516
00:17:34,442 --> 00:17:35,375
I know, but I don't think
517
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:36,509
you were faking anything here.
518
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:38,578
Maroney, you jumped
through a window.
519
00:17:38,646 --> 00:17:40,179
You made out
with paz de LA huerta
520
00:17:40,247 --> 00:17:41,581
at a children's museum.
521
00:17:41,649 --> 00:17:44,049
You tried to dine at balthazar
522
00:17:44,116 --> 00:17:45,451
without a reservation!
523
00:17:45,518 --> 00:17:47,720
And you did all that to get
some guy's attention.
524
00:17:47,787 --> 00:17:50,622
That's crazy.
That's a breakdown.
525
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:53,258
I think I've made
the biggest mistake of my life.
526
00:17:53,326 --> 00:17:54,693
I've never made a mistake,
527
00:17:54,761 --> 00:17:56,962
so I don't totally understand,
528
00:17:57,029 --> 00:17:58,231
but I'm here for you, J.
529
00:17:58,241 --> 00:17:59,764
Of all the crazy things I did,
530
00:17:59,832 --> 00:18:01,399
you know what the craziest was?
531
00:18:01,467 --> 00:18:02,800
Letting Paul go.
532
00:18:02,868 --> 00:18:05,770
I was scared to be happy.
Now I never will be.
533
00:18:05,838 --> 00:18:08,305
I'll take this regret
to my grave.
534
00:18:08,374 --> 00:18:09,506
You mean our grave.
535
00:18:11,610 --> 00:18:11,975
[Gasps]
536
00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:13,745
Where we'll lie
on top of each other
537
00:18:13,812 --> 00:18:15,346
in one coffin,
538
00:18:15,413 --> 00:18:17,781
pelvis to face, for eternity.
539
00:18:17,849 --> 00:18:19,383
You were here the whole time,
540
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:20,784
taking care of me.
541
00:18:20,852 --> 00:18:21,885
I was afraid too, Jenna.
542
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:23,460
I had to be sure
that you wanted
543
00:18:23,488 --> 00:18:24,654
the same thing that I did.
544
00:18:24,722 --> 00:18:25,722
And now I know.
545
00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:28,157
You sick bitch.
546
00:18:30,961 --> 00:18:32,428
Tracy, if you'll excuse us.
547
00:18:32,496 --> 00:18:33,896
No, Paul.
548
00:18:33,963 --> 00:18:36,465
If it wasn't for Tracy,
we wouldn't be here right now.
549
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,492
He can stay.
550
00:18:37,612 --> 00:18:42,438
No, I'm cool.
I'm gonna leave.
551
00:18:42,506 --> 00:18:46,609
[Clattering]
552
00:18:46,676 --> 00:18:50,211
- Lemon, how did your date go?
- It was amazing,
553
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,246
but not in the way
that you would expect.
554
00:18:52,314 --> 00:18:53,615
Cat's a great kid, isn't she?
555
00:18:53,682 --> 00:18:55,650
You really thought
I'd set you up with Kevin?
556
00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,819
I've been trying to fire him
ever since he invited me out
557
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,487
on a Halloween party bus.
558
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,088
But his daughter's terrific.
559
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:02,857
So you set me up
on a play date?
560
00:19:02,886 --> 00:19:04,858
I thought Kat
would remind you why
561
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:07,428
you purchased
the princess Leia costume
562
00:19:07,495 --> 00:19:08,462
in the first place.
563
00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:09,930
Don't give it away just yet.
564
00:19:09,997 --> 00:19:11,164
That's very nice of you, Jack,
565
00:19:11,232 --> 00:19:13,233
but you need to learn
that some women
566
00:19:13,301 --> 00:19:16,202
choose to be childless
and are content with that.
567
00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:17,370
This is not a choice.
568
00:19:17,439 --> 00:19:19,239
Oh, you are being so
trans-vaginal right now.
569
00:19:19,307 --> 00:19:21,841
The past few days
have only confirmed my fear
570
00:19:21,909 --> 00:19:23,342
that we're running out
of good Americans,
571
00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:26,345
so honestly, your country needs
572
00:19:26,413 --> 00:19:27,547
a few more Liz lemons.
573
00:19:27,614 --> 00:19:29,348
Oh. Okay.
574
00:19:29,416 --> 00:19:30,416
So this has nothing
to do with Criss?
575
00:19:30,484 --> 00:19:31,617
I don't care how you do it.
576
00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:33,352
I don't care
if you join the big sisters
577
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:35,720
and torture inner-city girls
about punctuation.
578
00:19:35,788 --> 00:19:37,522
Any amount of lemon
is better than the crap
579
00:19:37,590 --> 00:19:39,357
we're turning out lately.
580
00:19:39,425 --> 00:19:40,926
Exsqueeze me, Mr. D.
581
00:19:40,993 --> 00:19:42,160
Couches are ready to ship.
582
00:19:42,227 --> 00:19:43,662
In trucks.
[Chuckles]
583
00:19:43,729 --> 00:19:45,831
Ship in trucks.
What?
584
00:19:45,898 --> 00:19:47,901
[Laughing]
585
00:19:48,107 --> 00:19:49,554
Wait, you sold them?
To whom?
586
00:19:49,674 --> 00:19:51,535
I just had to find a buyer
who has too much money
587
00:19:51,603 --> 00:19:52,703
and loves to waste it.
588
00:19:52,771 --> 00:19:55,473
So every defective sofa
that Kouchtown makes
589
00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:56,941
will be purchased
by your beloved
590
00:19:57,008 --> 00:19:58,241
tax-and-spend government.
591
00:19:58,309 --> 00:19:59,276
What are they going
to do with them?
592
00:19:59,344 --> 00:20:01,111
Sink them and make a reef
593
00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:02,379
to protect gay turtles?
594
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:04,482
I don't know, lemon,
and I don't care.
595
00:20:04,549 --> 00:20:07,484
[Ominous music]
596
00:20:07,551 --> 00:20:09,418
Mr. wang,
we know you were spying
597
00:20:09,487 --> 00:20:10,987
for north Korean intelligence.
598
00:20:11,054 --> 00:20:12,989
Give me something
I can take back to Langley.
599
00:20:13,056 --> 00:20:14,390
Then we'll get you
out of the couch
600
00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:18,361
and send you home
with a CIA gift bag.
601
00:20:18,428 --> 00:20:21,898
[Speaking Korean]
602
00:20:21,966 --> 00:20:23,999
I totally blew off
that week of Korean we did.
603
00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:25,968
Let's get the translator.
604
00:20:27,971 --> 00:20:31,106
[Door shuts]
605
00:20:31,173 --> 00:20:32,741
- I think maybe I still...
- I don't think you should...
606
00:20:32,809 --> 00:20:35,511
- want to be a mom.
- Give up on having a kid.
607
00:20:35,578 --> 00:20:37,245
Okay.
We're on the same page.
608
00:20:37,313 --> 00:20:39,381
I think we've talked
about it enough.
609
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,148
Maybe we just put a pin in that
610
00:20:41,216 --> 00:20:42,449
and have some fun.
611
00:20:42,518 --> 00:20:43,618
I'll open a puzzle.
612
00:20:43,685 --> 00:20:46,554
I'll make a stew.
613
00:20:52,995 --> 00:20:55,429
[Whispers] Life is happening.
614
00:21:00,299 --> 00:21:03,858
When did gum get so soft,
you sons of bitches?
615
00:21:04,427 --> 00:21:06,060
You know what this country
used to chew?
616
00:21:06,128 --> 00:21:07,262
Tree bark.
617
00:21:07,329 --> 00:21:09,397
Glass.
Shotgun shells.
618
00:21:09,464 --> 00:21:12,066
The broken swords
of our vanquished enemies.
619
00:21:12,134 --> 00:21:15,369
That's why I buy
Bazooka Joe gum.
620
00:21:15,437 --> 00:21:16,805
It's like chewing a Mountain
621
00:21:16,872 --> 00:21:18,940
that someone shot
a freeze ray into.
622
00:21:19,008 --> 00:21:22,042
What's wrong
with this country? Huh?
623
00:21:22,110 --> 00:21:23,911
When did we lose our way?
624
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:24,912
Detroit?
625
00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:26,980
Life is hard.
626
00:21:27,048 --> 00:21:28,548
Shouldn't everything else
be harder?
627
00:21:28,616 --> 00:21:30,417
Bazooka Joe gum!
628
00:21:30,983 --> 00:21:34,157
Sync and corrections by sp8ky for
www.Addic7ed.Com