1
00:00:11,342 --> 00:00:14,560
I wish you could all
be inside my head.
2
00:00:15,412 --> 00:00:17,797
The conversation is sparkling.
3
00:00:19,483 --> 00:00:20,900
Fine, I'll tell you.
4
00:00:22,086 --> 00:00:24,504
A lichen is an organism made
up of two separate species,
5
00:00:24,506 --> 00:00:26,122
fungi and algae.
6
00:00:26,124 --> 00:00:27,707
If you could merge
with another species,
7
00:00:27,709 --> 00:00:30,877
what species would
you pick and why?
8
00:00:30,879 --> 00:00:33,463
Hint: There is a right answer.
9
00:00:34,832 --> 00:00:36,415
None of you will get it.
10
00:00:37,851 --> 00:00:41,637
Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh,
the resulting hybrid
11
00:00:41,639 --> 00:00:43,806
would have the advanced
industrial civilization
12
00:00:43,808 --> 00:00:46,275
of a human and
the long graceful neck
13
00:00:46,277 --> 00:00:48,427
I've always dreamed of having.
14
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,365
Wrong. Leonard?
15
00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:56,235
Horse, but mostly just
for the height.
16
00:00:56,237 --> 00:00:59,155
A little bit for
the genital girth.
17
00:01:00,324 --> 00:01:02,441
Wrong, and let's
keep it clean, shall we?
18
00:01:03,911 --> 00:01:05,078
Kangaroo, uh,
19
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,080
I'd be Kanga-Jew.
20
00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:11,667
The first of my people
to dunk a basketball.
21
00:01:11,669 --> 00:01:13,970
Also instead of just living
in your mother's house,
22
00:01:13,972 --> 00:01:16,839
you could actually
live inside her body.
23
00:01:20,127 --> 00:01:22,178
Clever, but also wrong.
24
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:24,797
No, the best organism for human
beings to merge with
25
00:01:24,799 --> 00:01:26,349
is the lichen itself.
26
00:01:26,351 --> 00:01:29,736
That way, you'd be human,
fungus, and algae.
27
00:01:29,738 --> 00:01:31,303
Triple threat.
28
00:01:31,305 --> 00:01:34,306
Like three-bean salad.
29
00:01:34,308 --> 00:01:36,893
Give me one circumstance in
which that would be useful.
30
00:01:36,895 --> 00:01:37,827
All right, picture this:
31
00:01:37,829 --> 00:01:40,312
a beautiful outdoor concert.
32
00:01:40,314 --> 00:01:42,815
Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.
33
00:01:42,817 --> 00:01:45,535
As a fungus,
I have a terrific view,
34
00:01:45,537 --> 00:01:47,486
growing out of a
towering maple tree.
35
00:01:47,488 --> 00:01:49,705
And no thank you,
expensive concessions.
36
00:01:49,707 --> 00:01:53,426
Because as an algae, I'll just
snack on this sunlight.
37
00:01:54,278 --> 00:01:56,863
- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.
38
00:01:56,865 --> 00:01:59,098
Anyway, if it's
okay with you,
39
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,801
we should talk about
Howard's bachelor party.
40
00:02:01,803 --> 00:02:02,802
Oh, oh.
41
00:02:02,804 --> 00:02:04,670
Seems like a bit
of a letdown
44
00:02:09,676 --> 00:02:11,360
I've been doing
some research on strippers.
45
00:02:11,362 --> 00:02:14,030
One agency I spoke to, said I
could get us a great price
46
00:02:14,032 --> 00:02:17,784
if we're flexible on
age range and number of limbs.
47
00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:20,519
Sounds like loads of fun,
48
00:02:20,521 --> 00:02:23,573
but I promised Bernadette
no strippers.
49
00:02:23,575 --> 00:02:25,708
You don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.
50
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:29,162
The one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.
51
00:02:29,164 --> 00:02:32,582
What can I tell ya-- I'm not
into that stuff anymore.
52
00:02:32,584 --> 00:02:34,300
Good for you, Howard.
I'm proud of you.
53
00:02:34,302 --> 00:02:36,586
And still, you're the first one
of use to get married.
54
00:02:36,588 --> 00:02:38,087
We have to do something special.
55
00:02:38,089 --> 00:02:40,923
You know Germans have an
interesting pre-wedding custom--
56
00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:44,010
Well, it's probably not for me.
57
00:02:46,430 --> 00:02:48,714
Maybe we can go up to
Napa Valley.
58
00:02:48,716 --> 00:02:50,082
They've got that wine train.
59
00:02:50,084 --> 00:02:51,517
Boo, wine!
60
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,903
But yay, trains. I'm in.
61
00:02:53,905 --> 00:02:56,856
Anyway, it's a beautiful
time of year.
62
00:02:56,858 --> 00:02:58,908
Uh, you travel through
the vineyards.
63
00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:00,109
There's a tasting on board.
64
00:03:00,111 --> 00:03:02,745
And all the wildflowers
are in bloom.
65
00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:04,831
Magic.
66
00:03:04,833 --> 00:03:06,415
Look at that, in 30 seconds,
67
00:03:06,417 --> 00:03:09,802
we went from
hiring women to being them.
68
00:03:10,904 --> 00:03:14,340
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
69
00:03:14,342 --> 00:03:18,094
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
70
00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:19,745
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
71
00:03:19,747 --> 00:03:22,431
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
72
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:24,417
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
73
00:03:24,419 --> 00:03:27,353
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
74
00:03:27,355 --> 00:03:29,272
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
75
00:03:29,274 --> 00:03:31,073
♪ Bang! ♪
76
00:03:31,098 --> 00:03:35,098
The Big Bang Theory 5x22
The Stag Convergence
Original Air Date on April 26, 2012
77
00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:39,123
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
78
00:03:40,273 --> 00:03:42,266
So, I hear you and
the lost boys are having
79
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,551
a bachelor party tonight.
80
00:03:44,553 --> 00:03:47,053
Yeah, just going to a
restaurant, get some steaks,
81
00:03:47,055 --> 00:03:49,839
and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?
82
00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:51,507
Well, I don't know.
It's a bachelor party.
83
00:03:51,509 --> 00:03:52,609
There could be strippers.
84
00:03:52,611 --> 00:03:54,060
Wouldn't that make you
a little jealous?
85
00:03:54,062 --> 00:03:57,030
Oh, come on Leonard, it's you.
What's going to happen?
86
00:03:57,032 --> 00:03:59,015
I mean, even if
there was a stripper,
87
00:03:59,017 --> 00:04:00,483
all you'd do is avoid
eye-contact
88
00:04:00,485 --> 00:04:04,154
and maybe offer to help
her kid with his homework.
89
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:06,823
Hey, I am a young man
in his sexual prime.
90
00:04:06,825 --> 00:04:09,826
Under the right conditions,
I-I-I am capable of just,
91
00:04:09,828 --> 00:04:12,862
really crazy stuff.
92
00:04:12,864 --> 00:04:14,581
Really? What is
the craziest thing
93
00:04:14,583 --> 00:04:15,965
you've ever done with a woman?
94
00:04:15,967 --> 00:04:18,835
And the time you and I had sex
in the ocean does not count.
95
00:04:18,837 --> 00:04:21,304
Oh, come on.
That's got to count.
96
00:04:21,306 --> 00:04:25,158
There was a really strong
undertow, we could have died.
97
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,926
Well, have fun tonight.
98
00:04:26,928 --> 00:04:28,311
Oh, I will.
99
00:04:28,313 --> 00:04:31,231
There is no telling
what might happen.
100
00:04:32,566 --> 00:04:33,983
Yeah, there is.
101
00:04:35,236 --> 00:04:37,187
You know, there's
nothing wrong helping
102
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:39,689
some woman's kid
get through their S.A.T.'s.
103
00:04:43,577 --> 00:04:45,328
Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,
104
00:04:45,330 --> 00:04:47,580
He found a really nice spot
to have a bachelor party.
105
00:04:47,582 --> 00:04:49,165
It's not bad.
106
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:52,502
Unless you compare it to
a train; then it stinks.
107
00:04:54,138 --> 00:04:55,338
Are you drinking whiskey?
108
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:56,740
Indeed.
109
00:04:56,742 --> 00:04:59,742
If I'm to participate
in the social convention
110
00:04:59,744 --> 00:05:03,630
that is the stag night, then I
must embrace all its components:
111
00:05:03,632 --> 00:05:08,718
including tobacco,
swear words, and yes, alcohol.
112
00:05:09,837 --> 00:05:13,723
Jeepers! That's yucky.
113
00:05:13,725 --> 00:05:16,226
Whoa, it's a little
early to start
114
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,012
dropping J-bombs,
don't you think?
115
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,647
Hey, you guys.
116
00:05:20,649 --> 00:05:23,366
Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to
make it out tonight for Howard.
117
00:05:23,368 --> 00:05:25,068
Well, it was either
this or another
118
00:05:25,070 --> 00:05:27,404
hot tub party at
George Takei's house.
119
00:05:27,406 --> 00:05:29,105
I'm confused.
120
00:05:29,107 --> 00:05:30,940
I thought since our
reconciliation,
121
00:05:30,942 --> 00:05:32,442
I was your friend
in this group.
122
00:05:32,444 --> 00:05:34,097
Oh, I'm friends
with Howard too.
123
00:05:34,122 --> 00:05:34,795
Oh!
124
00:05:34,796 --> 00:05:37,330
I guess you're just
friends with anybody.
125
00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:41,784
Aah!
126
00:05:41,786 --> 00:05:44,220
Hey, uh, Leonard...
127
00:05:44,222 --> 00:05:47,390
things are a little tight
at the comic book store.
128
00:05:47,392 --> 00:05:50,460
I might need some help covering
my share of the check.
129
00:05:50,462 --> 00:05:52,145
Oh, yeah, no worries.
130
00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:53,930
And maybe a few bucks
for the valet.
131
00:05:53,932 --> 00:05:55,014
Oh, all right.
132
00:05:55,016 --> 00:05:57,016
And gas money to get home.
133
00:05:57,018 --> 00:05:59,302
Yeah, sure.
Great.
134
00:05:59,304 --> 00:06:02,203
You know what? This is
my grandfather's watch.
135
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:02,639
Oh.
136
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,974
18-carat gold, got it
in Europe during the war.
137
00:06:04,976 --> 00:06:06,642
Wow, that's very nice.
Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:06,644 --> 00:06:08,828
100 bucks and it's yours.
139
00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:10,780
Hey, everybody!
140
00:06:10,782 --> 00:06:12,499
The bachelor boy has arrived!
141
00:06:12,501 --> 00:06:16,336
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
142
00:06:16,338 --> 00:06:18,488
♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
143
00:06:18,490 --> 00:06:22,175
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
144
00:06:22,177 --> 00:06:23,843
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
145
00:06:23,845 --> 00:06:26,179
Yes, yes, yes.
He's a jolly good fellow.
146
00:06:26,181 --> 00:06:28,681
What time do
the strippers arrive?
147
00:06:28,683 --> 00:06:32,268
Actually, Barry, we're not going
to have strippers tonight.
148
00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:35,972
Ah, then what the frig did I get
200 dollars in singles out for?
149
00:06:37,725 --> 00:06:39,893
You want to buy a watch?
150
00:06:42,846 --> 00:06:45,548
This is Maid of Honor
Amy Farrah Fowler,
151
00:06:45,550 --> 00:06:47,150
bringing you the
wedding activities
152
00:06:47,152 --> 00:06:49,369
just weeks out from
the big day.
153
00:06:49,371 --> 00:06:52,789
Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman,
154
00:06:52,791 --> 00:06:56,075
and her friend who's
about to get married.
155
00:06:57,495 --> 00:06:59,796
Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?
156
00:06:59,798 --> 00:07:01,297
Um, these are gift bags
157
00:07:01,299 --> 00:07:03,866
we're going to put in the hotel
rooms of our out-of-town guests.
158
00:07:03,868 --> 00:07:05,568
This is a map of Pasadena.
159
00:07:05,570 --> 00:07:07,504
This is a list of
local restaurants.
160
00:07:07,506 --> 00:07:08,871
And then, for
Howie's relatives,
161
00:07:08,873 --> 00:07:10,673
we have antihistamines,
antacids,
162
00:07:10,675 --> 00:07:13,709
and medicine for diarrhea
and constipation.
163
00:07:13,711 --> 00:07:16,429
Yeah, we labeled them
"stop and go."
164
00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:20,967
All right, pivoting
to the big question:
165
00:07:20,969 --> 00:07:22,718
Bernadette,
on your wedding night
166
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,370
you'll be consummating
your marriage.
167
00:07:24,372 --> 00:07:26,489
What do you think your first
sexual position will be
168
00:07:26,491 --> 00:07:29,409
as husband and wife?
169
00:07:29,411 --> 00:07:31,227
Amy, please.
170
00:07:31,229 --> 00:07:32,862
Keeping in mind that
whoever's on top
171
00:07:32,864 --> 00:07:35,498
may set the tone
for the marriage.
172
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,900
Okay, show's over.
173
00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:40,537
Hey, they may conceive a child
on their wedding night.
174
00:07:40,539 --> 00:07:41,955
Don't you think
the kid might get a kick
175
00:07:41,957 --> 00:07:43,523
out of knowing
how it happened?
176
00:07:44,408 --> 00:07:45,758
I don't care.
177
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,077
Ask her things like "Are you
going to take Howard's name?"
178
00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:50,346
Not "Who's going
to sit on who."
179
00:07:51,715 --> 00:07:53,967
I've actually been thinking
I'm going to hyphenate:
180
00:07:53,969 --> 00:07:57,804
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
181
00:07:57,806 --> 00:07:58,938
Nice.
182
00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:00,189
You know, you should totally get
183
00:08:00,191 --> 00:08:02,475
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com
184
00:08:02,477 --> 00:08:05,928
before someone snaps it up.
185
00:08:05,930 --> 00:08:07,647
Howard already
took care of it.
186
00:08:09,149 --> 00:08:11,484
Plus, he set up our
beautiful wedding Web site
187
00:08:11,486 --> 00:08:13,870
with cute little facts
about our family histories.
188
00:08:13,872 --> 00:08:15,572
Do you know,
for a while in Poland,
189
00:08:15,574 --> 00:08:18,074
my family and his family
were neighbors.
190
00:08:18,076 --> 00:08:19,292
Oh, that's cool.
191
00:08:19,294 --> 00:08:22,378
No, it's not.
I'll explain it to you later.
192
00:08:27,085 --> 00:08:29,552
May I have
your attention, please?
193
00:08:29,554 --> 00:08:33,056
We are hear tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials
194
00:08:33,058 --> 00:08:35,625
of my best friend
Howard Wolowitz.
195
00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:37,627
Hear! Hear!
196
00:08:37,629 --> 00:08:40,346
And, apparently,
Wil Wheaton's best friend.
197
00:08:40,348 --> 00:08:42,398
Sheldon...
198
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,350
Talk to the hand.
199
00:08:45,569 --> 00:08:46,986
Does anyone
have any words
200
00:08:46,988 --> 00:08:50,523
they'd like to say about
our man of the evening?
201
00:08:50,525 --> 00:08:51,524
I do.
202
00:08:53,094 --> 00:08:54,494
As is the tradition,
203
00:08:54,496 --> 00:08:57,664
I have prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes
204
00:08:57,666 --> 00:09:00,416
which generate humor
at Howard's expense.
205
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:02,318
Prepare to have your ribs
tickled...
206
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:06,873
Howard... I always thought
you'd be the last one of us
207
00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:10,493
to ever get married, because you
are so short and unappealing.
208
00:09:10,495 --> 00:09:11,694
Am I right?
209
00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,163
Let's see here.
210
00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:15,665
Oh, seriously though, Howard,
211
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:19,435
you're actually one of the most
intelligent people I know.
212
00:09:19,437 --> 00:09:21,387
And that's a zinger,
because you're not.
213
00:09:23,675 --> 00:09:26,192
I've always thought
that you'd make
214
00:09:26,194 --> 00:09:28,177
someone a fine husband someday.
215
00:09:28,179 --> 00:09:29,862
Assuming you'd be able
to get the parts,
216
00:09:29,864 --> 00:09:31,564
and develop the
engineering skills
217
00:09:31,566 --> 00:09:33,650
to assemble them,
which I don't see as likely.
218
00:09:33,652 --> 00:09:34,751
Hacha!
219
00:09:37,038 --> 00:09:38,655
Okay... Let me see here.
220
00:09:38,657 --> 00:09:40,223
Okay, kidding aside--
221
00:09:40,225 --> 00:09:42,625
Howard, you are a good friend.
222
00:09:42,627 --> 00:09:45,161
And I wish you nothing
but happiness.
223
00:09:45,163 --> 00:09:46,496
Bazinga, I don't!
224
00:09:47,598 --> 00:09:49,716
Sheldon...
Doubleazinga! I do!
225
00:09:50,751 --> 00:09:53,703
Good luck
following that.
226
00:09:56,140 --> 00:09:58,508
So, Howard Wolowitz
tying the knot.
227
00:09:58,510 --> 00:10:01,561
Leaving his crazy
bachelor days behind.
228
00:10:01,563 --> 00:10:03,730
He was a wild one.
229
00:10:03,732 --> 00:10:06,933
Well, I guess
we all kind of were.
230
00:10:07,768 --> 00:10:09,885
I remember this one time,
231
00:10:09,887 --> 00:10:13,222
I was with this girl
at the beach.
232
00:10:13,224 --> 00:10:17,410
We were in the ocean and
we started making out.
233
00:10:18,529 --> 00:10:21,280
I know, it was crazy.
234
00:10:22,249 --> 00:10:24,200
I wasn't even wearing
my Aquasocks.
235
00:10:25,703 --> 00:10:26,753
Then...
236
00:10:26,755 --> 00:10:27,737
Nobody cares, Hofstadter.
237
00:10:27,739 --> 00:10:28,871
Wrap it up.
238
00:10:28,873 --> 00:10:30,089
Right.
239
00:10:30,091 --> 00:10:31,040
To Howard.
240
00:10:31,042 --> 00:10:32,575
To Howard.
241
00:10:32,577 --> 00:10:34,544
I totally had sex
in the ocean.
242
00:10:37,014 --> 00:10:41,017
Okay, I'll go.
243
00:10:41,019 --> 00:10:46,305
Howard, when I think about you
and Bernadette
244
00:10:46,307 --> 00:10:49,258
starting this wonderful life
together,
245
00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:52,278
I can't help but
get a little choked up.
246
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:53,479
I mean...
247
00:10:53,481 --> 00:10:54,480
look at you.
248
00:10:54,482 --> 00:10:57,233
You have everything.
249
00:10:57,235 --> 00:10:58,534
Look at me.
250
00:10:58,536 --> 00:11:00,603
I'm 37.
251
00:11:00,605 --> 00:11:02,955
I sleep in the back of
a comic book store,
252
00:11:02,957 --> 00:11:06,726
and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.
253
00:11:08,779 --> 00:11:11,247
To Howard.
254
00:11:11,249 --> 00:11:14,617
Yeah, to Howard.
Yes...
255
00:11:14,619 --> 00:11:17,220
- Um, uh, who's next?
- I'll go.
256
00:11:17,222 --> 00:11:22,141
Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody's thinking
257
00:11:22,143 --> 00:11:25,428
but no one has the courage
to say out loud.
258
00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:27,480
When you invite a man
to a bachelor party,
259
00:11:27,482 --> 00:11:30,233
the implication is,
there will be strippers.
260
00:11:30,235 --> 00:11:32,769
Maybe not completely nude,
261
00:11:32,771 --> 00:11:34,403
but at least pasties
and G-strings.
262
00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:36,489
That's not unreasonable.
263
00:11:36,491 --> 00:11:38,941
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
264
00:11:38,943 --> 00:11:41,494
Okay, uh, anybody else?
265
00:11:41,496 --> 00:11:43,145
Huh? No?
266
00:11:43,147 --> 00:11:47,583
Okay, it all comes down
to me, the best man.
267
00:11:49,821 --> 00:11:53,489
Ooh! This grasshopper is
kicking my ass-hopper.
268
00:11:53,491 --> 00:11:56,992
Okay, okay, when I first
came to this country,
269
00:11:56,994 --> 00:12:00,496
I-I didn't know how to
behave or how to dress,
270
00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:03,382
or what was cool...
I was pretty lonely.
271
00:12:03,384 --> 00:12:07,169
But then I met Howard, and
suddenly, my life changed,
272
00:12:07,171 --> 00:12:11,057
because we could
be lonely together.
273
00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:18,147
This man became
my whole world.
274
00:12:18,149 --> 00:12:20,700
Yeah, nice speech, Francine.
275
00:12:24,354 --> 00:12:27,740
I'm not done,
but thank you.
276
00:12:27,742 --> 00:12:30,025
I think back....
277
00:12:32,462 --> 00:12:34,881
...to all the good times
we had, like, uh,
278
00:12:34,883 --> 00:12:37,032
when we went camping
and spent that night
279
00:12:37,034 --> 00:12:38,751
telling each other
all our secrets.
280
00:12:38,753 --> 00:12:41,704
I told him I'm addicted
to pedicures
281
00:12:41,706 --> 00:12:44,924
and he told me he lost his
virginity to his cousin.
282
00:12:48,062 --> 00:12:50,980
She was my second cousin.
283
00:12:50,982 --> 00:12:52,732
And the first woman you ever
disappointed sexually.
284
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:55,101
Ba-da-bazinga!
285
00:12:55,103 --> 00:12:57,887
Oh... oh, yeah, and then
there was the time
286
00:12:57,889 --> 00:13:01,157
when Leonard and I took
Howard to Las Vegas
287
00:13:01,159 --> 00:13:04,994
and paid a hooker to
pretend she was Jewish
288
00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:08,998
and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.
289
00:13:10,902 --> 00:13:13,035
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
290
00:13:13,037 --> 00:13:15,204
that one's my favorite!
291
00:13:15,206 --> 00:13:17,740
Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.
292
00:13:17,742 --> 00:13:20,676
Oh, oh, what about
that tubby girl
293
00:13:20,678 --> 00:13:23,212
in the Sailor Moon
costume at Comic-con?
294
00:13:24,381 --> 00:13:26,265
Don't remember.
Please sit down.
295
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:29,051
The only threesome
I've ever had in my life,
296
00:13:29,053 --> 00:13:32,355
and I'm proud to say it was
with this man right here.
297
00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:37,526
Oh, please shut up.
298
00:13:37,528 --> 00:13:38,978
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong,
299
00:13:38,980 --> 00:13:41,147
nothing happened with
me and Howard.
300
00:13:41,149 --> 00:13:44,734
There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.
301
00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:53,759
Oh, Internet, this is
so going all over you.
302
00:13:53,761 --> 00:13:56,946
Jeepers, I'm drunk.
303
00:14:06,742 --> 00:14:08,506
Thank you for picking us up.
304
00:14:08,508 --> 00:14:10,609
There's a warning, right there,
on the scotch bottle.
305
00:14:10,611 --> 00:14:13,145
You cannot be
operatin' heavy machinery
306
00:14:13,147 --> 00:14:16,281
after you had a snootful
of this, laddie!
307
00:14:21,071 --> 00:14:23,405
Funny.
308
00:14:23,407 --> 00:14:25,156
You boys have a nice time?
309
00:14:25,158 --> 00:14:27,258
Yeah, it was great.
310
00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:28,376
Low-key, like I promised.
311
00:14:28,378 --> 00:14:30,578
No hanky-panky, no strippers.
312
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:34,249
Just the guys telling jokes.
313
00:14:34,251 --> 00:14:36,418
That's nice.
314
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:39,888
How about you?
Did you have a fun night?
315
00:14:39,890 --> 00:14:42,891
Yeah, we, uh, made
gift bags, had wine,
316
00:14:42,893 --> 00:14:45,643
and then went online
and saw this.
317
00:14:45,645 --> 00:14:49,380
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
318
00:14:49,382 --> 00:14:51,099
that one's my favorite.
319
00:14:56,489 --> 00:14:58,606
You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.
320
00:14:58,608 --> 00:15:01,860
If you stop the car,
I can walk from here.
321
00:15:01,862 --> 00:15:05,397
You ain't goin'
anywhere, Threeway.
322
00:15:05,399 --> 00:15:08,616
Bernadette, listen...
You lied to me.
323
00:15:08,618 --> 00:15:11,119
You said you told me about all
the girls you've been with,
324
00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:15,707
but you never mentioned your
cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
325
00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:19,294
Seriously, you don't even have
to stop the car.
326
00:15:19,296 --> 00:15:20,912
Anything under ten miles an hour
327
00:15:20,914 --> 00:15:22,914
and I can combat-roll
into the street.
328
00:15:25,301 --> 00:15:27,552
Okay, just to set
the record straight,
329
00:15:27,554 --> 00:15:31,940
I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.
330
00:15:31,942 --> 00:15:33,308
Shame on you, Raj.
331
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:35,927
That is not how we treat
women in this country.
332
00:15:37,446 --> 00:15:39,481
Don't you try and
blame this on him.
333
00:15:39,483 --> 00:15:41,733
- Thank you, Bernadette.
- Zip it, pervert!
334
00:15:45,037 --> 00:15:47,405
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
335
00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:49,524
I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks
336
00:15:49,526 --> 00:15:52,460
and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.
337
00:15:52,462 --> 00:15:54,796
I'm curious
what's bothering you most:
338
00:15:54,798 --> 00:15:57,999
the borderline incest,
the prostitute or group sex
339
00:15:58,001 --> 00:16:00,969
with the girl dressed as
the children's cartoon?
340
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,972
Amy, remember when
we went over things
341
00:16:03,974 --> 00:16:06,007
that would be helpful
and things that wouldn't?
342
00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:07,642
Right.
343
00:16:07,644 --> 00:16:09,928
- And that was...
- Not.
344
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:14,399
When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me,
345
00:16:14,401 --> 00:16:16,801
just a sweet little guy who
lives with his mother.
346
00:16:16,803 --> 00:16:18,803
Well, if that's what
you like, I'll take you
347
00:16:18,805 --> 00:16:21,322
to the comic book store--
the place is full of 'em.
348
00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:24,692
Wait a minute.
349
00:16:24,694 --> 00:16:26,811
You set me up with Howard.
350
00:16:27,413 --> 00:16:28,413
Did you know about
351
00:16:28,415 --> 00:16:30,148
all the creepy stuff
he was into?
352
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:32,534
Well, a little.
You hear stuff...
353
00:16:35,070 --> 00:16:37,071
Why didn't you tell me
354
00:16:37,073 --> 00:16:38,256
Well, I was gonna,
but I didn't think
355
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,908
it would go past
the first date.
356
00:16:39,910 --> 00:16:41,793
Then, when it did,
I thought for sure
357
00:16:41,795 --> 00:16:43,461
it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.
358
00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:45,380
Definitely not past the
two of you sleeping together.
359
00:16:45,382 --> 00:16:50,101
I mean, the warning signs were
there-- this is really on you.
360
00:16:50,103 --> 00:16:50,919
God!
361
00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:52,720
I thought you were
my friend.
362
00:16:58,528 --> 00:17:00,178
I don't think
that was helpful.
363
00:17:02,948 --> 00:17:05,066
Hi, Bernie, it's me again.
364
00:17:05,068 --> 00:17:07,285
Please call me back.
365
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,737
Dude, I am so sorry.
366
00:17:09,739 --> 00:17:12,023
It's not your fault,
it's mine.
367
00:17:12,025 --> 00:17:14,409
I did all that stuff,
not you.
368
00:17:14,411 --> 00:17:17,361
Actually, you did do
one of them together.
369
00:17:18,414 --> 00:17:20,197
Here.
370
00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:21,282
What is this?
371
00:17:21,284 --> 00:17:22,366
You're upset.
372
00:17:22,368 --> 00:17:23,334
The convention is to
373
00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:25,003
bring an upset person
a hot beverage.
374
00:17:25,005 --> 00:17:26,621
No, but what is it?
375
00:17:26,623 --> 00:17:27,555
Chicken broth.
376
00:17:27,557 --> 00:17:30,008
It seemed culturally
appropriate.
377
00:17:31,227 --> 00:17:33,011
Also, there was a single cube
of chicken bouillon
378
00:17:33,013 --> 00:17:34,596
in the cupboard when I moved in
379
00:17:34,598 --> 00:17:38,099
and it's been bothering me
for the last eight years...
380
00:17:38,101 --> 00:17:40,318
So, as they say, two birds.
381
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,439
I don't know what
my next move is.
382
00:17:44,441 --> 00:17:47,275
Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women...
383
00:17:47,277 --> 00:17:49,561
- Yeah?
- No, uh, that, that's it.
384
00:17:49,563 --> 00:17:51,713
I don't know much about women.
385
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,816
Raj, you got anything?
386
00:17:54,818 --> 00:17:58,069
I've got the phone number of
the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
387
00:18:00,072 --> 00:18:02,757
I'm not calling the
girl from Comic-con.
388
00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:04,008
All right.
389
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:06,461
More Sailor Moon for me.
390
00:18:08,430 --> 00:18:11,082
I just threw up
the bachelor party.
391
00:18:14,270 --> 00:18:15,853
Please come out, Bernadette.
392
00:18:15,855 --> 00:18:17,355
Let's talk through this.
393
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:18,840
No, leave me alone.
394
00:18:18,842 --> 00:18:22,393
Perhaps you should give him
a taste of his own medicine.
395
00:18:22,395 --> 00:18:24,279
Do you have a cousin
who you find attractive?
396
00:18:24,281 --> 00:18:27,682
Amy.
397
00:18:27,684 --> 00:18:29,367
Hey, you introduced him
to the sleazebag.
398
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,936
I'm just trying to
clean up your mess.
399
00:18:33,605 --> 00:18:35,056
Oh, hi.
400
00:18:35,058 --> 00:18:36,207
Hi.
401
00:18:36,209 --> 00:18:38,293
I need to talk to Bernadette.
402
00:18:38,295 --> 00:18:41,612
Well, I don't think she wants
to talk to anyone right now.
403
00:18:41,614 --> 00:18:45,967
All right, well, could you
at least give her a message?
404
00:18:45,969 --> 00:18:47,785
Yeah, sure, I guess.
405
00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:51,589
Tell her I'm really sorry.
406
00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:56,928
And if she doesn't want
to marry me, I get it.
407
00:18:56,930 --> 00:18:59,347
But what I really
want her to know
408
00:18:59,349 --> 00:19:01,632
is the guy that
she's disgusted by,
409
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:03,768
is the guy that
I'm disgusted by, too.
410
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:06,821
But that guy doesn't
exist anymore; he's gone.
411
00:19:06,823 --> 00:19:11,909
And the reason is
because of her.
412
00:19:11,911 --> 00:19:17,332
So, if this
relationship is over,
413
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:21,452
let her know that
she made me a better man,
414
00:19:21,454 --> 00:19:25,923
and tell her thank you.
415
00:19:25,925 --> 00:19:29,727
Oh, my God, Howard.
416
00:19:29,729 --> 00:19:34,265
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
417
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:38,436
And it came out of you.
418
00:19:39,421 --> 00:19:42,106
Howie?
419
00:19:42,108 --> 00:19:45,360
Penny has a message for you.
420
00:19:45,362 --> 00:19:47,278
I heard.
421
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,765
Your voice, not unlike your
mother's, travels through walls.
422
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:53,234
Do you want me to go?
423
00:19:53,236 --> 00:19:54,819
No.
424
00:19:55,354 --> 00:19:56,687
Come here.
425
00:20:02,027 --> 00:20:03,828
I'm still really
mad at you.
426
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,696
I get that.
427
00:20:05,698 --> 00:20:08,332
Is there anything else about
your past I should know?
428
00:20:08,334 --> 00:20:11,169
Couple things, but, you know,
most of them happened overseas.
429
00:20:11,171 --> 00:20:13,337
I'll tell you later.
430
00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:16,491
Okay.
431
00:20:16,493 --> 00:20:18,843
So, is the wedding still on?
432
00:20:18,845 --> 00:20:22,180
Yeah, the wedding's still on.
433
00:20:23,716 --> 00:20:25,633
Oh, thank God.
434
00:20:25,635 --> 00:20:28,369
I'm still a maid of honor!
435
00:20:29,721 --> 00:20:32,273
Oh, what the hell.
436
00:20:33,192 --> 00:20:35,426
This is kind of hot.
437
00:20:45,525 --> 00:20:47,859
Hello.
438
00:20:47,861 --> 00:20:49,711
What's with the robe?
439
00:20:49,713 --> 00:20:52,080
I'm gonna have sex with you
right here,
440
00:20:52,082 --> 00:20:54,299
right now, on that
washing machine.
441
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:59,071
No, you're not.
442
00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:02,090
Come on, please.
443
00:21:03,593 --> 00:21:05,043
If you want to do something,
444
00:21:05,045 --> 00:21:07,446
you can help me
fold this sheet.
445
00:21:08,765 --> 00:21:11,316
Folding a sheet in my underwear,
still pretty crazy.
446
00:21:11,318 --> 00:21:15,318
== sync, corrected by elderman ==