1
00:00:09,305 --> 00:00:11,122
(laughs)
2
00:00:12,242 --> 00:00:15,460
I wish you could all
be inside my head.
3
00:00:16,312 --> 00:00:18,697
The conversation is sparkling.
4
00:00:20,383 --> 00:00:21,800
Fine, I'll tell you.
5
00:00:22,986 --> 00:00:25,404
A lichen is an organism made
up of two separate species,
6
00:00:25,406 --> 00:00:27,022
fungi and algae.
7
00:00:27,024 --> 00:00:28,607
If you could merge
with another species,
8
00:00:28,609 --> 00:00:31,777
what species would
you pick and why?
9
00:00:31,779 --> 00:00:34,363
Hint: There is a right answer.
10
00:00:35,732 --> 00:00:37,315
None of you will get it.
11
00:00:38,751 --> 00:00:42,537
Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh,
the resulting hybrid
12
00:00:42,539 --> 00:00:44,706
would have the advanced
industrial civilization
13
00:00:44,708 --> 00:00:47,175
of a human and
the long graceful neck
14
00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:49,327
I've always dreamed of having.
15
00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:53,265
Wrong. Leonard?
16
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:57,135
Horse, but mostly just
for the height.
17
00:00:57,137 --> 00:01:00,055
A little bit for
the genital girth.
18
00:01:01,224 --> 00:01:03,341
Wrong, and let's
keep it clean, shall we?
19
00:01:04,811 --> 00:01:05,978
Kangaroo, uh,
20
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,980
I'd be Kanga-Jew.
21
00:01:07,982 --> 00:01:09,364
(chuckles)
22
00:01:09,366 --> 00:01:12,567
The first of my people
to dunk a basketball. (chuckles)
23
00:01:12,569 --> 00:01:14,870
Also instead of just living
in your mother's house,
24
00:01:14,872 --> 00:01:17,739
you could actually
live inside her body.
25
00:01:17,741 --> 00:01:19,691
(mocking laugh)
26
00:01:21,027 --> 00:01:23,078
Clever, but also wrong.
27
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,697
No, the best organism for human
beings to merge with
28
00:01:25,699 --> 00:01:27,249
is the lichen itself.
29
00:01:27,251 --> 00:01:30,636
That way, you'd be human,
fungus, and algae.
30
00:01:30,638 --> 00:01:32,203
Triple threat.
31
00:01:32,205 --> 00:01:35,206
Like three-bean salad.
32
00:01:35,208 --> 00:01:37,793
Give me one circumstance in
which that would be useful.
33
00:01:37,795 --> 00:01:38,727
All right, picture this:
34
00:01:38,729 --> 00:01:41,212
a beautiful outdoor concert.
35
00:01:41,214 --> 00:01:43,715
Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.
36
00:01:43,717 --> 00:01:46,435
As a fungus,
I have a terrific view,
37
00:01:46,437 --> 00:01:48,386
growing out of a
towering maple tree.
38
00:01:48,388 --> 00:01:50,605
And no thank you,
expensive concessions.
39
00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:54,326
Because as an algae, I'll just
snack on this sunlight.
40
00:01:55,178 --> 00:01:57,763
- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.
41
00:01:57,765 --> 00:01:59,998
Anyway, if it's
okay with you,
44
00:02:03,704 --> 00:02:05,570
Seems like a bit
of a letdown
45
00:02:05,572 --> 00:02:07,072
after our lichen
conversation, but...
46
00:02:07,074 --> 00:02:09,341
What do you know,
you're half swan.
47
00:02:10,576 --> 00:02:12,260
I've been doing
some research on strippers.
48
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,930
One agency I spoke to, said I
could get us a great price
49
00:02:14,932 --> 00:02:18,684
if we're flexible on
age range and number of limbs.
50
00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:21,419
Sounds like loads of fun,
51
00:02:21,421 --> 00:02:24,473
but I promised Bernadette
no strippers.
52
00:02:24,475 --> 00:02:26,608
You don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.
53
00:02:26,610 --> 00:02:30,062
The one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.
54
00:02:30,064 --> 00:02:33,482
What can I tell ya-- I'm not
into that stuff anymore.
55
00:02:33,484 --> 00:02:35,200
Good for you, Howard.
I'm proud of you.
56
00:02:35,202 --> 00:02:37,486
And still, you're the first one
of use to get married.
57
00:02:37,488 --> 00:02:38,987
We have to do something special.
58
00:02:38,989 --> 00:02:41,823
You know Germans have an
interesting pre-wedding custom--
59
00:02:41,825 --> 00:02:44,910
Well, it's probably not for me.
60
00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:49,614
Maybe we can go up to
Napa Valley.
61
00:02:49,616 --> 00:02:50,982
They've got that wine train.
62
00:02:50,984 --> 00:02:52,417
Boo, wine!
63
00:02:52,419 --> 00:02:54,803
But yay, trains. I'm in.
64
00:02:54,805 --> 00:02:57,756
Anyway, it's a beautiful
time of year.
65
00:02:57,758 --> 00:02:59,808
Uh, you travel through
the vineyards.
66
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:01,009
There's a tasting on board.
67
00:03:01,011 --> 00:03:03,645
And all the wildflowers
are in bloom.
68
00:03:03,647 --> 00:03:05,731
Magic.
69
00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:07,315
Look at that, in 30 seconds,
70
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:10,702
we went from
hiring women to being them.
71
00:03:11,804 --> 00:03:15,240
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
72
00:03:15,242 --> 00:03:18,994
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
73
00:03:18,996 --> 00:03:20,645
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
74
00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:23,331
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
75
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,317
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
76
00:03:25,319 --> 00:03:28,253
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
77
00:03:28,255 --> 00:03:30,172
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
78
00:03:30,174 --> 00:03:31,801
♪ Bang! ♪
79
00:03:31,802 --> 00:03:34,802
The Big Bang Theory 5x22
The Stag Convergence
Original Air Date on April 26, 2012
80
00:03:34,803 --> 00:03:37,803
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
81
00:03:37,804 --> 00:03:39,797
So, I hear you and
the lost boys are having
82
00:03:39,798 --> 00:03:42,082
a bachelor party tonight.
83
00:03:42,084 --> 00:03:44,584
Yeah, just going to a
restaurant, get some steaks,
84
00:03:44,586 --> 00:03:47,370
and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?
85
00:03:47,372 --> 00:03:49,038
Well, I don't know.
It's a bachelor party.
86
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,140
There could be strippers.
87
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:51,591
Wouldn't that make you
a little jealous?
88
00:03:51,593 --> 00:03:54,561
Oh, come on Leonard, it's you.
What's going to happen?
89
00:03:54,563 --> 00:03:56,546
I mean, even if
there was a stripper,
90
00:03:56,548 --> 00:03:58,014
all you'd do is avoid
eye-contact
91
00:03:58,016 --> 00:04:01,685
and maybe offer to help
her kid with his homework.
92
00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:04,354
Hey, I am a young man
in his sexual prime.
93
00:04:04,356 --> 00:04:07,357
Under the right conditions,
I-I-I am capable of just,
94
00:04:07,359 --> 00:04:10,393
really crazy stuff.
95
00:04:10,395 --> 00:04:12,112
Really? What is
the craziest thing
96
00:04:12,114 --> 00:04:13,496
you've ever done with a woman?
97
00:04:13,498 --> 00:04:16,366
And the time you and I had sex
in the ocean does not count.
98
00:04:16,368 --> 00:04:18,835
Oh, come on.
That's got to count.
99
00:04:18,837 --> 00:04:22,689
There was a really strong
undertow, we could have died.
100
00:04:22,691 --> 00:04:24,457
Well, have fun tonight.
101
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:25,842
Oh, I will.
102
00:04:25,844 --> 00:04:28,762
There is no telling
what might happen.
103
00:04:30,097 --> 00:04:31,514
(chuckling):
Yeah, there is.
104
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:34,718
You know, there's
nothing wrong helping
105
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,220
some woman's kid
get through their S.A.T.'s.
106
00:04:41,108 --> 00:04:42,859
Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,
107
00:04:42,861 --> 00:04:45,111
He found a really nice spot
to have a bachelor party.
108
00:04:45,113 --> 00:04:46,696
It's not bad.
109
00:04:46,698 --> 00:04:50,033
Unless you compare it to
a train; then it stinks.
110
00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:52,869
Are you drinking whiskey?
111
00:04:52,871 --> 00:04:54,271
Indeed.
112
00:04:54,273 --> 00:04:57,273
If I'm to participate
in the social convention
113
00:04:57,275 --> 00:05:01,161
that is the stag night, then I
must embrace all its components:
114
00:05:01,163 --> 00:05:06,249
including tobacco,
swear words, and yes, alcohol.
115
00:05:07,368 --> 00:05:11,254
Jeepers! That's yucky.
116
00:05:11,256 --> 00:05:13,757
Whoa, it's a little
early to start
117
00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:16,543
dropping J-bombs,
don't you think?
118
00:05:16,545 --> 00:05:18,178
Hey, you guys.
119
00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:20,897
Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to
make it out tonight for Howard.
120
00:05:20,899 --> 00:05:22,599
Well, it was either
this or another
121
00:05:22,601 --> 00:05:24,935
hot tub party at
George Takei's house.
122
00:05:24,937 --> 00:05:26,636
I'm confused.
123
00:05:26,638 --> 00:05:28,471
I thought since our
reconciliation,
124
00:05:28,473 --> 00:05:29,973
I was your friend
in this group.
125
00:05:29,975 --> 00:05:31,628
Oh, I'm friends
with Howard too.
126
00:05:31,653 --> 00:05:32,326
Oh!
127
00:05:32,327 --> 00:05:34,861
I guess you're just
friends with anybody.
128
00:05:37,448 --> 00:05:39,315
Aah!
129
00:05:39,317 --> 00:05:41,751
Hey, uh, Leonard...
130
00:05:41,753 --> 00:05:44,921
things are a little tight
at the comic book store.
131
00:05:44,923 --> 00:05:47,991
I might need some help covering
my share of the check.
132
00:05:47,993 --> 00:05:49,676
Oh, yeah, no worries.
133
00:05:49,678 --> 00:05:51,461
And maybe a few bucks
for the valet.
134
00:05:51,463 --> 00:05:52,545
Oh, all right.
135
00:05:52,547 --> 00:05:54,547
And gas money to get home.
136
00:05:54,549 --> 00:05:56,833
Yeah, sure.
Great.
137
00:05:56,835 --> 00:05:59,734
You know what? This is
my grandfather's watch.
138
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:00,170
Oh.
139
00:06:00,171 --> 00:06:02,505
18-carat gold, got it
in Europe during the war.
140
00:06:02,507 --> 00:06:04,173
Wow, that's very nice.
Mm-hmm.
141
00:06:04,175 --> 00:06:06,359
100 bucks and it's yours.
142
00:06:06,361 --> 00:06:08,311
KOOTHRAPPALI:
Hey, everybody!
143
00:06:08,313 --> 00:06:10,030
The bachelor boy has arrived!
(chuckles)
144
00:06:10,032 --> 00:06:13,867
ALL: ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
145
00:06:13,869 --> 00:06:16,019
♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
146
00:06:16,021 --> 00:06:19,706
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
147
00:06:19,708 --> 00:06:21,374
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
148
00:06:21,376 --> 00:06:23,710
Yes, yes, yes.
He's a jolly good fellow.
149
00:06:23,712 --> 00:06:26,212
What time do
the strippers arrive?
150
00:06:26,214 --> 00:06:29,799
Actually, Barry, we're not going
to have strippers tonight.
151
00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:33,503
Ah, then what the frig did I get
200 dollars in singles out for?
152
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:37,424
You want to buy a watch?
153
00:06:40,377 --> 00:06:43,079
This is Maid of Honor
Amy Farrah Fowler,
154
00:06:43,081 --> 00:06:44,681
bringing you the
wedding activities
155
00:06:44,683 --> 00:06:46,900
just weeks out from
the big day.
156
00:06:46,902 --> 00:06:50,320
Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman,
157
00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:53,606
and her friend who's
about to get married.
158
00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:57,327
Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?
159
00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:58,828
Um, these are gift bags
160
00:06:58,830 --> 00:07:01,397
we're going to put in the hotel
rooms of our out-of-town guests.
161
00:07:01,399 --> 00:07:03,099
This is a map of Pasadena.
162
00:07:03,101 --> 00:07:05,035
This is a list of
local restaurants.
163
00:07:05,037 --> 00:07:06,402
And then, for
Howie's relatives,
164
00:07:06,404 --> 00:07:08,204
we have antihistamines,
antacids,
165
00:07:08,206 --> 00:07:11,240
and medicine for diarrhea
and constipation.
166
00:07:11,242 --> 00:07:13,960
Yeah, we labeled them
"stop and go."
167
00:07:16,380 --> 00:07:18,498
AMY: All right, pivoting
to the big question:
168
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,249
Bernadette,
on your wedding night
169
00:07:20,251 --> 00:07:21,901
you'll be consummating
your marriage.
170
00:07:21,903 --> 00:07:24,020
What do you think your first
sexual position will be
171
00:07:24,022 --> 00:07:26,940
as husband and wife?
172
00:07:26,942 --> 00:07:28,758
Amy, please.
173
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,393
Keeping in mind that
whoever's on top
174
00:07:30,395 --> 00:07:33,029
may set the tone
for the marriage.
175
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:35,431
Okay, show's over.
176
00:07:35,433 --> 00:07:38,068
Hey, they may conceive a child
on their wedding night.
177
00:07:38,070 --> 00:07:39,486
Don't you think
the kid might get a kick
178
00:07:39,488 --> 00:07:41,054
out of knowing
how it happened?
179
00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:43,289
I don't care.
180
00:07:43,291 --> 00:07:45,608
Ask her things like "Are you
going to take Howard's name?"
181
00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:47,877
Not "Who's going
to sit on who."
182
00:07:49,246 --> 00:07:51,498
I've actually been thinking
I'm going to hyphenate:
183
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:55,335
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
184
00:07:55,337 --> 00:07:56,469
Nice.
185
00:07:56,471 --> 00:07:57,720
You know, you should totally get
186
00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:00,006
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com
187
00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:03,459
before someone snaps it up.
188
00:08:03,461 --> 00:08:05,178
Howard already
took care of it.
189
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:09,015
Plus, he set up our
beautiful wedding Web site
190
00:08:09,017 --> 00:08:11,401
with cute little facts
about our family histories.
191
00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:13,103
Do you know,
for a while in Poland,
192
00:08:13,105 --> 00:08:15,605
my family and his family
were neighbors.
193
00:08:15,607 --> 00:08:16,823
Oh, that's cool.
194
00:08:16,825 --> 00:08:19,909
No, it's not.
I'll explain it to you later.
195
00:08:22,830 --> 00:08:24,614
(all laughing)
(clinking on glass)
196
00:08:24,616 --> 00:08:27,083
May I have
your attention, please?
197
00:08:27,085 --> 00:08:30,587
We are hear tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials
198
00:08:30,589 --> 00:08:33,156
of my best friend
Howard Wolowitz.
199
00:08:33,158 --> 00:08:35,158
ALL:
Hear! Hear!
200
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,877
And, apparently,
Wil Wheaton's best friend.
201
00:08:37,879 --> 00:08:39,929
Sheldon...
202
00:08:39,931 --> 00:08:41,881
Talk to the hand.
203
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,517
Does anyone
have any words
204
00:08:44,519 --> 00:08:48,054
they'd like to say about
our man of the evening?
205
00:08:48,056 --> 00:08:49,055
I do.
206
00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:50,623
(all groan)
207
00:08:50,625 --> 00:08:52,025
As is the tradition,
208
00:08:52,027 --> 00:08:55,195
I have prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes
209
00:08:55,197 --> 00:08:57,947
which generate humor
at Howard's expense.
210
00:08:57,949 --> 00:08:59,849
Prepare to have your ribs
tickled... (clears throat)
211
00:08:59,851 --> 00:09:04,404
Howard... I always thought
you'd be the last one of us
212
00:09:04,406 --> 00:09:08,024
to ever get married, because you
are so short and unappealing.
213
00:09:08,026 --> 00:09:09,225
Am I right?
214
00:09:10,177 --> 00:09:11,694
Let's see here.
215
00:09:11,696 --> 00:09:13,196
Oh, seriously though, Howard,
216
00:09:13,198 --> 00:09:16,966
you're actually one of the most
intelligent people I know.
217
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:18,918
And that's a zinger,
because you're not.
218
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,204
(laughs)
219
00:09:21,206 --> 00:09:23,723
I've always thought
that you'd make
220
00:09:23,725 --> 00:09:25,708
someone a fine husband someday.
221
00:09:25,710 --> 00:09:27,393
Assuming you'd be able
to get the parts,
222
00:09:27,395 --> 00:09:29,095
and develop the
engineering skills
223
00:09:29,097 --> 00:09:31,181
to assemble them,
which I don't see as likely.
224
00:09:31,183 --> 00:09:32,282
Hacha!
225
00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:33,466
(laughs)
226
00:09:33,468 --> 00:09:34,567
(laughs)
227
00:09:34,569 --> 00:09:36,186
Okay... Let me see here.
228
00:09:36,188 --> 00:09:37,754
Okay, kidding aside--
229
00:09:37,756 --> 00:09:40,156
Howard, you are a good friend.
230
00:09:40,158 --> 00:09:42,692
And I wish you nothing
but happiness.
231
00:09:42,694 --> 00:09:44,027
Bazinga, I don't!
232
00:09:45,129 --> 00:09:47,247
Sheldon...
Doubleazinga! I do!
233
00:09:48,282 --> 00:09:51,234
Good luck
following that.
234
00:09:53,671 --> 00:09:56,039
So, Howard Wolowitz
tying the knot.
235
00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:59,092
Leaving his crazy
bachelor days behind.
236
00:09:59,094 --> 00:10:01,261
He was a wild one.
237
00:10:01,263 --> 00:10:04,464
Well, I guess
we all kind of were.
238
00:10:05,299 --> 00:10:07,416
I remember this one time,
239
00:10:07,418 --> 00:10:10,753
I was with this girl
at the beach.
240
00:10:10,755 --> 00:10:14,941
We were in the ocean and
we started making out.
241
00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:18,811
I know, it was crazy.
242
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:21,731
I wasn't even wearing
my Aquasocks.
243
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:24,284
Then...
244
00:10:24,286 --> 00:10:25,268
Nobody cares, Hofstadter.
245
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:26,402
Wrap it up.
246
00:10:26,404 --> 00:10:27,620
Right.
247
00:10:27,622 --> 00:10:28,571
To Howard.
248
00:10:28,573 --> 00:10:30,106
ALL:
To Howard.
249
00:10:30,108 --> 00:10:32,075
I totally had sex
in the ocean.
250
00:10:34,545 --> 00:10:38,548
Okay, I'll go.
251
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:43,836
Howard, when I think about you
and Bernadette
252
00:10:43,838 --> 00:10:46,789
starting this wonderful life
together,
253
00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:49,809
I can't help but
get a little choked up.
254
00:10:49,811 --> 00:10:51,010
I mean...
255
00:10:51,012 --> 00:10:52,011
look at you.
256
00:10:52,013 --> 00:10:54,764
You have everything.
257
00:10:54,766 --> 00:10:56,065
Look at me.
258
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:58,134
I'm 37.
259
00:10:58,136 --> 00:11:00,486
I sleep in the back of
a comic book store,
260
00:11:00,488 --> 00:11:04,257
and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.
261
00:11:06,310 --> 00:11:08,778
(whispers):
To Howard.
262
00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:12,148
Yeah, to Howard.
Yes...
263
00:11:12,150 --> 00:11:14,751
Um, uh, who's next?
KRIPKE: I'll go.
264
00:11:14,753 --> 00:11:19,672
Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody's thinking
265
00:11:19,674 --> 00:11:22,959
but no one has the courage
to say out loud.
266
00:11:22,961 --> 00:11:25,011
When you invite a man
to a bachelor party,
267
00:11:25,013 --> 00:11:27,764
the implication is,
there will be strippers.
268
00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:30,300
Maybe not completely nude,
269
00:11:30,302 --> 00:11:31,934
but at least pasties
and G-strings.
270
00:11:31,936 --> 00:11:34,020
That's not unreasonable.
271
00:11:34,022 --> 00:11:36,472
KOOTHRAPPALI: Hear, hear.
ALL: Hear, hear.
272
00:11:36,474 --> 00:11:39,025
Okay, uh, anybody else?
273
00:11:39,027 --> 00:11:40,676
Huh? No?
274
00:11:40,678 --> 00:11:45,114
Okay, it all comes down
to me, the best man.
275
00:11:45,116 --> 00:11:47,350
(laughs)
276
00:11:47,352 --> 00:11:51,020
Ooh! This grasshopper is
kicking my ass-hopper.
277
00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:54,523
Okay, okay, when I first
came to this country,
278
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:58,027
I-I didn't know how to
behave or how to dress,
279
00:11:58,029 --> 00:12:00,913
or what was cool...
I was pretty lonely.
280
00:12:00,915 --> 00:12:04,700
But then I met Howard, and
suddenly, my life changed,
281
00:12:04,702 --> 00:12:08,588
because we could
be lonely together.
282
00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:15,678
This man became
my whole world.
283
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,231
Yeah, nice speech, Francine.
284
00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:25,271
I'm not done,
but thank you.
285
00:12:25,273 --> 00:12:27,556
I think back....
286
00:12:29,993 --> 00:12:32,412
...to all the good times
we had, like, uh,
287
00:12:32,414 --> 00:12:34,563
when we went camping
and spent that night
288
00:12:34,565 --> 00:12:36,282
telling each other
all our secrets.
289
00:12:36,284 --> 00:12:39,235
I told him I'm addicted
to pedicures
290
00:12:39,237 --> 00:12:42,455
and he told me he lost his
virginity to his cousin.
291
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:45,591
(all laugh)
292
00:12:45,593 --> 00:12:48,511
She was my second cousin.
293
00:12:48,513 --> 00:12:50,263
And the first woman you ever
disappointed sexually.
294
00:12:50,265 --> 00:12:52,632
Ba-da-bazinga!
295
00:12:52,634 --> 00:12:55,418
Oh... oh, yeah, and then
there was the time
296
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:58,688
when Leonard and I took
Howard to Las Vegas
297
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:02,525
and paid a hooker to
pretend she was Jewish
298
00:13:02,527 --> 00:13:06,529
and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.
299
00:13:06,531 --> 00:13:08,431
(all laugh)
300
00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:10,566
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
301
00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:12,735
that one's my favorite!
302
00:13:12,737 --> 00:13:15,271
Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.
303
00:13:15,273 --> 00:13:18,207
Oh, oh, what about
that tubby girl
304
00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:20,743
in the Sailor Moon
costume at Comic-con?
305
00:13:21,912 --> 00:13:23,796
Don't remember.
Please sit down.
306
00:13:23,798 --> 00:13:26,582
The only threesome
I've ever had in my life,
307
00:13:26,584 --> 00:13:29,886
and I'm proud to say it was
with this man right here.
308
00:13:29,888 --> 00:13:33,339
(all laugh)
309
00:13:33,341 --> 00:13:35,057
Oh, please shut up.
310
00:13:35,059 --> 00:13:36,509
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong,
311
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,678
nothing happened with
me and Howard.
312
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,265
There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.
313
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:43,683
(laughter)
314
00:13:46,069 --> 00:13:51,290
Oh, Internet, this is
so going all over you.
315
00:13:51,292 --> 00:13:54,477
Jeepers, I'm drunk.
(both laugh)
316
00:14:01,727 --> 00:14:03,491
Thank you for picking us up.
317
00:14:03,493 --> 00:14:05,594
There's a warning, right there,
on the scotch bottle.
318
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:08,130
(Scottish accent): You cannot be
operatin' heavy machinery
319
00:14:08,132 --> 00:14:11,266
after you had a snootful
of this, laddie!
320
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:15,554
(both laughing)
321
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,390
Funny.
322
00:14:18,392 --> 00:14:20,141
You boys have a nice time?
323
00:14:20,143 --> 00:14:22,243
Yeah, it was great.
324
00:14:22,245 --> 00:14:23,361
Low-key, like I promised.
325
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,563
No hanky-panky, no strippers.
326
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:29,234
Just the guys telling jokes.
327
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,403
That's nice.
328
00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:34,873
How about you?
Did you have a fun night?
329
00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:37,876
Yeah, we, uh, made
gift bags, had wine,
330
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,628
and then went online
and saw this.
331
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:44,365
KOOTHRAPPALI: Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
332
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,084
that one's my favorite.
333
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,591
You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.
334
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,845
If you stop the car,
I can walk from here.
335
00:14:56,847 --> 00:15:00,382
You ain't goin'
anywhere, Threeway.
336
00:15:00,384 --> 00:15:03,601
Bernadette, listen...
You lied to me.
337
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,104
You said you told me about all
the girls you've been with,
338
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:10,692
but you never mentioned your
cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
339
00:15:10,694 --> 00:15:14,279
Seriously, you don't even have
to stop the car.
340
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,897
Anything under ten miles an hour
341
00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:17,899
and I can combat-roll
into the street.
342
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,537
Okay, just to set
the record straight,
343
00:15:22,539 --> 00:15:26,925
I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.
344
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,293
Shame on you, Raj.
345
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,912
That is not how we treat
women in this country.
346
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,466
Don't you try and
blame this on him.
347
00:15:34,468 --> 00:15:36,718
- Thank you, Bernadette.
- Zip it, pervert!
348
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,390
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
349
00:15:42,392 --> 00:15:44,509
I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks
350
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,445
and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.
351
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,781
I'm curious
what's bothering you most:
352
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,984
the borderline incest,
the prostitute or group sex
353
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,954
with the girl dressed as
the children's cartoon?
354
00:15:56,822 --> 00:15:58,957
Amy, remember when
we went over things
355
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,992
that would be helpful
and things that wouldn't?
356
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,627
Right.
357
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,913
- And that was...
- Not.
358
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,384
When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me,
359
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:11,786
just a sweet little guy who
lives with his mother.
360
00:16:11,788 --> 00:16:13,788
Well, if that's what
you like, I'll take you
361
00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:16,307
to the comic book store--
the place is full of 'em.
362
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:19,677
Wait a minute.
363
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,796
You set me up with Howard.
364
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,398
Did you know about
365
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,133
all the creepy stuff
he was into?
366
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:27,519
Well, a little.
You hear stuff...
367
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,056
Why didn't you tell me
368
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,241
Well, I was gonna,
but I didn't think
369
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:34,893
it would go past
the first date.
370
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:36,778
Then, when it did,
I thought for sure
371
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:38,446
it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.
372
00:16:38,448 --> 00:16:40,365
Definitely not past the
two of you sleeping together.
373
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:45,086
I mean, the warning signs were
there-- this is really on you.
374
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:45,904
God!
375
00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:47,705
I thought you were
my friend.
376
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:50,141
(crying)
377
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,793
(sighs)
378
00:16:51,795 --> 00:16:53,511
(door slams)
379
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,163
I don't think
that was helpful.
380
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,051
Hi, Bernie, it's me again.
381
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,270
Please call me back.
382
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:04,722
Dude, I am so sorry.
383
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,008
It's not your fault,
it's mine.
384
00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:09,394
I did all that stuff,
not you.
385
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,346
Actually, you did do
one of them together.
386
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,182
Here.
387
00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:16,267
What is this?
388
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:17,351
You're upset.
389
00:17:17,353 --> 00:17:18,319
The convention is to
390
00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:19,988
bring an upset person
a hot beverage.
391
00:17:19,990 --> 00:17:21,606
No, but what is it?
392
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,540
Chicken broth.
393
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,993
It seemed culturally
appropriate.
394
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,996
Also, there was a single cube
of chicken bouillon
395
00:17:27,998 --> 00:17:29,581
in the cupboard when I moved in
396
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:33,084
and it's been bothering me
for the last eight years...
397
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,303
So, as they say, two birds.
398
00:17:36,922 --> 00:17:39,424
I don't know what
my next move is.
399
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:42,260
Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women...
400
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,546
- Yeah?
- No, uh, that, that's it.
401
00:17:44,548 --> 00:17:46,698
I don't know much about women.
402
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,801
Raj, you got anything?
403
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:53,054
I've got the phone number of
the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
404
00:17:55,057 --> 00:17:57,742
I'm not calling the
girl from Comic-con.
405
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,993
All right.
406
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,446
More Sailor Moon for me.
407
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:06,067
I just threw up
the bachelor party.
408
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,838
Please come out, Bernadette.
409
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,340
Let's talk through this.
410
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,825
BERNADETTE:
No, leave me alone.
411
00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:17,378
Perhaps you should give him
a taste of his own medicine.
412
00:18:17,380 --> 00:18:19,264
Do you have a cousin
who you find attractive?
413
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,667
(knocking on door)
Amy.
414
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,352
Hey, you introduced him
to the sleazebag.
415
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:26,921
I'm just trying to
clean up your mess.
416
00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:30,041
Oh, hi.
417
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,192
Hi.
418
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,278
I need to talk to Bernadette.
419
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,597
Well, I don't think she wants
to talk to anyone right now.
420
00:18:36,599 --> 00:18:40,952
All right, well, could you
at least give her a message?
421
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,770
Yeah, sure, I guess.
422
00:18:42,772 --> 00:18:46,574
Tell her I'm really sorry.
423
00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:51,913
And if she doesn't want
to marry me, I get it.
424
00:18:51,915 --> 00:18:54,332
But what I really
want her to know
425
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,617
is the guy that
she's disgusted by,
426
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:58,753
is the guy that
I'm disgusted by, too.
427
00:18:58,755 --> 00:19:01,806
But that guy doesn't
exist anymore; he's gone.
428
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:06,894
And the reason is
because of her.
429
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:12,317
So, if this
relationship is over,
430
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:16,437
let her know that
she made me a better man,
431
00:19:16,439 --> 00:19:20,908
and tell her thank you.
432
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:24,712
(voice breaking):
Oh, my God, Howard.
433
00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:29,250
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
434
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:33,421
And it came out of you.
435
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:37,091
Howie?
436
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:40,345
Penny has a message for you.
437
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,263
I heard.
438
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:45,750
Your voice, not unlike your
mother's, travels through walls.
439
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:48,219
Do you want me to go?
440
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:49,804
No.
441
00:19:50,339 --> 00:19:51,672
Come here.
442
00:19:57,012 --> 00:19:58,813
I'm still really
mad at you.
443
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:00,681
I get that.
444
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:03,317
Is there anything else about
your past I should know?
445
00:20:03,319 --> 00:20:06,154
Couple things, but, you know,
most of them happened overseas.
446
00:20:06,156 --> 00:20:08,322
I'll tell you later.
447
00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,476
Okay.
448
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,828
So, is the wedding still on?
449
00:20:13,830 --> 00:20:17,165
Yeah, the wedding's still on.
450
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,618
(laughing):
Oh, thank God.
451
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,354
I'm still a maid of honor!
452
00:20:24,706 --> 00:20:27,258
Oh, what the hell.
453
00:20:28,177 --> 00:20:30,411
AMY:
This is kind of hot.
454
00:20:37,631 --> 00:20:39,965
Hello.
455
00:20:39,967 --> 00:20:41,817
What's with the robe?
456
00:20:41,819 --> 00:20:44,186
I'm gonna have sex with you
right here,
457
00:20:44,188 --> 00:20:46,405
right now, on that
washing machine.
458
00:20:49,326 --> 00:20:51,177
No, you're not.
459
00:20:51,179 --> 00:20:54,196
Come on, please.
460
00:20:55,699 --> 00:20:57,149
If you want to do something,
461
00:20:57,151 --> 00:20:59,552
you can help me
fold this sheet.
462
00:21:00,871 --> 00:21:03,422
Folding a sheet in my underwear,
still pretty crazy.
463
00:21:03,424 --> 00:21:07,424
== sync, corrected by elderman ==