1
00:00:11,192 --> 00:00:14,410
I wish you could all
be inside my head.
2
00:00:15,262 --> 00:00:17,647
The conversation is sparkling.
3
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,750
Fine, I'll tell you.
4
00:00:21,936 --> 00:00:24,354
A lichen is an organism made
up of two separate species,
5
00:00:24,356 --> 00:00:25,972
fungi and algae.
6
00:00:25,974 --> 00:00:27,557
If you could merge
with another species,
7
00:00:27,559 --> 00:00:30,727
what species would
you pick and why?
8
00:00:30,729 --> 00:00:33,313
Hint: There is a right answer.
9
00:00:34,682 --> 00:00:36,265
None of you will get it.
10
00:00:37,701 --> 00:00:41,487
Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh,
the resulting hybrid
11
00:00:41,489 --> 00:00:43,656
would have the advanced
industrial civilization
12
00:00:43,658 --> 00:00:46,125
of a human and
the long graceful neck
13
00:00:46,127 --> 00:00:48,277
I've always dreamed of having.
14
00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:52,215
Wrong. Leonard?
15
00:00:52,217 --> 00:00:56,085
Horse, but mostly just
for the height.
16
00:00:56,087 --> 00:00:59,005
A little bit for
the genital girth.
17
00:01:00,174 --> 00:01:02,291
Wrong, and let's
keep it clean, shall we?
18
00:01:03,761 --> 00:01:04,928
Kangaroo, uh,
19
00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,930
I'd be Kanga-Jew.
20
00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:11,517
The first of my people
to dunk a basketball.
21
00:01:11,519 --> 00:01:13,820
Also instead of just living
in your mother's house,
22
00:01:13,822 --> 00:01:16,689
you could actually
live inside her body.
23
00:01:19,977 --> 00:01:22,028
Clever, but also wrong.
24
00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:24,647
No, the best organism for human
beings to merge with
25
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,199
is the lichen itself.
26
00:01:26,201 --> 00:01:29,586
That way, you'd be human,
fungus, and algae.
27
00:01:29,588 --> 00:01:31,153
Triple threat.
28
00:01:31,155 --> 00:01:34,156
Like three-bean salad.
29
00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:36,743
Give me one circumstance in
which that would be useful.
30
00:01:36,745 --> 00:01:37,677
All right, picture this:
31
00:01:37,679 --> 00:01:40,162
a beautiful outdoor concert.
32
00:01:40,164 --> 00:01:42,665
Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.
33
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:45,385
As a fungus,
I have a terrific view,
34
00:01:45,387 --> 00:01:47,336
growing out of a
towering maple tree.
35
00:01:47,338 --> 00:01:49,555
And no thank you,
expensive concessions.
36
00:01:49,557 --> 00:01:53,276
Because as an algae, I'll just
snack on this sunlight.
37
00:01:54,128 --> 00:01:56,713
- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.
38
00:01:56,715 --> 00:01:58,948
Anyway, if it's
okay with you,
39
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:01,651
we should talk about
Howard's bachelor party.
40
00:02:01,653 --> 00:02:02,652
Oh, oh.
41
00:02:02,654 --> 00:02:04,520
Seems like a bit
of a letdown
44
00:02:09,526 --> 00:02:11,210
I've been doing
some research on strippers.
45
00:02:11,212 --> 00:02:13,880
One agency I spoke to, said I
could get us a great price
46
00:02:13,882 --> 00:02:17,634
if we're flexible on
age range and number of limbs.
47
00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:20,369
Sounds like loads of fun,
48
00:02:20,371 --> 00:02:23,423
but I promised Bernadette
no strippers.
49
00:02:23,425 --> 00:02:25,558
You don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.
50
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,012
The one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.
51
00:02:29,014 --> 00:02:32,432
What can I tell ya-- I'm not
into that stuff anymore.
52
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:34,150
Good for you, Howard.
I'm proud of you.
53
00:02:34,152 --> 00:02:36,436
And still, you're the first one
of use to get married.
54
00:02:36,438 --> 00:02:37,937
We have to do something special.
55
00:02:37,939 --> 00:02:40,773
You know Germans have an
interesting pre-wedding custom--
56
00:02:40,775 --> 00:02:43,860
Well, it's probably not for me.
57
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,564
Maybe we can go up to
Napa Valley.
58
00:02:48,566 --> 00:02:49,932
They've got that wine train.
59
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:51,367
Boo, wine!
60
00:02:51,369 --> 00:02:53,753
But yay, trains. I'm in.
61
00:02:53,755 --> 00:02:56,706
Anyway, it's a beautiful
time of year.
62
00:02:56,708 --> 00:02:58,758
Uh, you travel through
the vineyards.
63
00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,959
There's a tasting on board.
64
00:02:59,961 --> 00:03:02,595
And all the wildflowers
are in bloom.
65
00:03:02,597 --> 00:03:04,681
Magic.
66
00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:06,265
Look at that, in 30 seconds,
67
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:09,652
we went from
hiring women to being them.
68
00:03:10,754 --> 00:03:14,190
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
69
00:03:14,192 --> 00:03:17,944
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
70
00:03:17,946 --> 00:03:19,595
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
71
00:03:19,597 --> 00:03:22,281
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
72
00:03:22,283 --> 00:03:24,267
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
73
00:03:24,269 --> 00:03:27,203
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
74
00:03:27,205 --> 00:03:29,122
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
75
00:03:29,124 --> 00:03:30,446
♪ Bang! ♪
76
00:03:30,448 --> 00:03:32,948
The Big Bang Theory 5x22
The Stag Convergence
Original Air Date on April 26, 2012
77
00:03:32,949 --> 00:03:35,149
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
78
00:03:35,212 --> 00:03:37,205
So, I hear you and
the lost boys are having
79
00:03:37,206 --> 00:03:39,490
a bachelor party tonight.
80
00:03:39,492 --> 00:03:41,992
Yeah, just going to a
restaurant, get some steaks,
81
00:03:41,994 --> 00:03:44,778
and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?
82
00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,446
Well, I don't know.
It's a bachelor party.
83
00:03:46,448 --> 00:03:47,548
There could be strippers.
84
00:03:47,550 --> 00:03:48,999
Wouldn't that make you
a little jealous?
85
00:03:49,001 --> 00:03:51,969
Oh, come on Leonard, it's you.
What's going to happen?
86
00:03:51,971 --> 00:03:53,954
I mean, even if
there was a stripper,
87
00:03:53,956 --> 00:03:55,422
all you'd do is avoid
eye-contact
88
00:03:55,424 --> 00:03:59,093
and maybe offer to help
her kid with his homework.
89
00:03:59,095 --> 00:04:01,762
Hey, I am a young man
in his sexual prime.
90
00:04:01,764 --> 00:04:04,765
Under the right conditions,
I-I-I am capable of just,
91
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,801
really crazy stuff.
92
00:04:07,803 --> 00:04:09,520
Really? What is
the craziest thing
93
00:04:09,522 --> 00:04:10,904
you've ever done with a woman?
94
00:04:10,906 --> 00:04:13,774
And the time you and I had sex
in the ocean does not count.
95
00:04:13,776 --> 00:04:16,243
Oh, come on.
That's got to count.
96
00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:20,097
There was a really strong
undertow, we could have died.
97
00:04:20,099 --> 00:04:21,865
Well, have fun tonight.
98
00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:23,250
Oh, I will.
99
00:04:23,252 --> 00:04:26,170
There is no telling
what might happen.
100
00:04:27,505 --> 00:04:28,922
Yeah, there is.
101
00:04:30,175 --> 00:04:32,126
You know, there's
nothing wrong helping
102
00:04:32,128 --> 00:04:34,628
some woman's kid
get through their S.A.T.'s.
103
00:04:38,516 --> 00:04:40,267
Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,
104
00:04:40,269 --> 00:04:42,519
He found a really nice spot
to have a bachelor party.
105
00:04:42,521 --> 00:04:44,104
It's not bad.
106
00:04:44,106 --> 00:04:47,441
Unless you compare it to
a train; then it stinks.
107
00:04:49,077 --> 00:04:50,277
Are you drinking whiskey?
108
00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:51,679
Indeed.
109
00:04:51,681 --> 00:04:54,681
If I'm to participate
in the social convention
110
00:04:54,683 --> 00:04:58,569
that is the stag night, then I
must embrace all its components:
111
00:04:58,571 --> 00:05:03,657
including tobacco,
swear words, and yes, alcohol.
112
00:05:04,776 --> 00:05:08,662
Jeepers! That's yucky.
113
00:05:08,664 --> 00:05:11,165
Whoa, it's a little
early to start
114
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,951
dropping J-bombs,
don't you think?
115
00:05:13,953 --> 00:05:15,586
Hey, you guys.
116
00:05:15,588 --> 00:05:18,305
Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to
make it out tonight for Howard.
117
00:05:18,307 --> 00:05:20,007
Well, it was either
this or another
118
00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:22,343
hot tub party at
George Takei's house.
119
00:05:22,345 --> 00:05:24,044
I'm confused.
120
00:05:24,046 --> 00:05:25,879
I thought since our
reconciliation,
121
00:05:25,881 --> 00:05:27,381
I was your friend
in this group.
122
00:05:27,383 --> 00:05:29,036
Oh, I'm friends
with Howard too.
123
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:29,734
Oh!
124
00:05:29,735 --> 00:05:32,269
I guess you're just
friends with anybody.
125
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,723
Aah!
126
00:05:36,725 --> 00:05:39,159
Hey, uh, Leonard...
127
00:05:39,161 --> 00:05:42,329
things are a little tight
at the comic book store.
128
00:05:42,331 --> 00:05:45,399
I might need some help covering
my share of the check.
129
00:05:45,401 --> 00:05:47,084
Oh, yeah, no worries.
130
00:05:47,086 --> 00:05:48,869
And maybe a few bucks
for the valet.
131
00:05:48,871 --> 00:05:49,953
Oh, all right.
132
00:05:49,955 --> 00:05:51,955
And gas money to get home.
133
00:05:51,957 --> 00:05:54,241
Yeah, sure.
Great.
134
00:05:54,243 --> 00:05:57,142
You know what? This is
my grandfather's watch.
135
00:05:57,167 --> 00:05:57,578
Oh.
136
00:05:57,579 --> 00:05:59,913
18-carat gold, got it
in Europe during the war.
137
00:05:59,915 --> 00:06:01,581
Wow, that's very nice.
Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:01,583 --> 00:06:03,767
100 bucks and it's yours.
139
00:06:03,769 --> 00:06:05,719
Hey, everybody!
140
00:06:05,721 --> 00:06:07,438
The bachelor boy has arrived!
141
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:11,275
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
142
00:06:11,277 --> 00:06:13,427
♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
143
00:06:13,429 --> 00:06:17,114
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
144
00:06:17,116 --> 00:06:18,782
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
145
00:06:18,784 --> 00:06:21,118
Yes, yes, yes.
He's a jolly good fellow.
146
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,620
What time do
the strippers arrive?
147
00:06:23,622 --> 00:06:27,207
Actually, Barry, we're not going
to have strippers tonight.
148
00:06:27,209 --> 00:06:30,911
Ah, then what the frig did I get
200 dollars in singles out for?
149
00:06:32,664 --> 00:06:34,832
You want to buy a watch?
150
00:06:37,785 --> 00:06:40,487
This is Maid of Honor
Amy Farrah Fowler,
151
00:06:40,489 --> 00:06:42,089
bringing you the
wedding activities
152
00:06:42,091 --> 00:06:44,308
just weeks out from
the big day.
153
00:06:44,310 --> 00:06:47,728
Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman,
154
00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:51,014
and her friend who's
about to get married.
155
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,735
Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?
156
00:06:54,737 --> 00:06:56,236
Um, these are gift bags
157
00:06:56,238 --> 00:06:58,805
we're going to put in the hotel
rooms of our out-of-town guests.
158
00:06:58,807 --> 00:07:00,507
This is a map of Pasadena.
159
00:07:00,509 --> 00:07:02,443
This is a list of
local restaurants.
160
00:07:02,445 --> 00:07:03,810
And then, for
Howie's relatives,
161
00:07:03,812 --> 00:07:05,612
we have antihistamines,
antacids,
162
00:07:05,614 --> 00:07:08,648
and medicine for diarrhea
and constipation.
163
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:11,368
Yeah, we labeled them
"stop and go."
164
00:07:13,788 --> 00:07:15,906
All right, pivoting
to the big question:
165
00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:17,657
Bernadette,
on your wedding night
166
00:07:17,659 --> 00:07:19,309
you'll be consummating
your marriage.
167
00:07:19,311 --> 00:07:21,428
What do you think your first
sexual position will be
168
00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:24,348
as husband and wife?
169
00:07:24,350 --> 00:07:26,166
Amy, please.
170
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:27,801
Keeping in mind that
whoever's on top
171
00:07:27,803 --> 00:07:30,437
may set the tone
for the marriage.
172
00:07:30,439 --> 00:07:32,839
Okay, show's over.
173
00:07:32,841 --> 00:07:35,476
Hey, they may conceive a child
on their wedding night.
174
00:07:35,478 --> 00:07:36,894
Don't you think
the kid might get a kick
175
00:07:36,896 --> 00:07:38,462
out of knowing
how it happened?
176
00:07:39,347 --> 00:07:40,697
I don't care.
177
00:07:40,699 --> 00:07:43,016
Ask her things like "Are you
going to take Howard's name?"
178
00:07:43,018 --> 00:07:45,285
Not "Who's going
to sit on who."
179
00:07:46,654 --> 00:07:48,906
I've actually been thinking
I'm going to hyphenate:
180
00:07:48,908 --> 00:07:52,743
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
181
00:07:52,745 --> 00:07:53,877
Nice.
182
00:07:53,879 --> 00:07:55,128
You know, you should totally get
183
00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:57,414
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com
184
00:07:57,416 --> 00:08:00,867
before someone snaps it up.
185
00:08:00,869 --> 00:08:02,586
Howard already
took care of it.
186
00:08:04,088 --> 00:08:06,423
Plus, he set up our
beautiful wedding Web site
187
00:08:06,425 --> 00:08:08,809
with cute little facts
about our family histories.
188
00:08:08,811 --> 00:08:10,511
Do you know,
for a while in Poland,
189
00:08:10,513 --> 00:08:13,013
my family and his family
were neighbors.
190
00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:14,231
Oh, that's cool.
191
00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:17,317
No, it's not.
I'll explain it to you later.
192
00:08:22,024 --> 00:08:24,491
May I have
your attention, please?
193
00:08:24,493 --> 00:08:27,995
We are hear tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials
194
00:08:27,997 --> 00:08:30,564
of my best friend
Howard Wolowitz.
195
00:08:30,566 --> 00:08:32,566
Hear! Hear!
196
00:08:32,568 --> 00:08:35,285
And, apparently,
Wil Wheaton's best friend.
197
00:08:35,287 --> 00:08:37,337
Sheldon...
198
00:08:37,339 --> 00:08:39,289
Talk to the hand.
199
00:08:40,508 --> 00:08:41,925
Does anyone
have any words
200
00:08:41,927 --> 00:08:45,462
they'd like to say about
our man of the evening?
201
00:08:45,464 --> 00:08:46,463
I do.
202
00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:49,433
As is the tradition,
203
00:08:49,435 --> 00:08:52,603
I have prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes
204
00:08:52,605 --> 00:08:55,355
which generate humor
at Howard's expense.
205
00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:57,257
Prepare to have your ribs
tickled...
206
00:08:57,259 --> 00:09:01,812
Howard... I always thought
you'd be the last one of us
207
00:09:01,814 --> 00:09:05,432
to ever get married, because you
are so short and unappealing.
208
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:06,633
Am I right?
209
00:09:07,585 --> 00:09:09,102
Let's see here.
210
00:09:09,104 --> 00:09:10,604
Oh, seriously though, Howard,
211
00:09:10,606 --> 00:09:14,374
you're actually one of the most
intelligent people I know.
212
00:09:14,376 --> 00:09:16,326
And that's a zinger,
because you're not.
213
00:09:18,614 --> 00:09:21,131
I've always thought
that you'd make
214
00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:23,116
someone a fine husband someday.
215
00:09:23,118 --> 00:09:24,801
Assuming you'd be able
to get the parts,
216
00:09:24,803 --> 00:09:26,503
and develop the
engineering skills
217
00:09:26,505 --> 00:09:28,589
to assemble them,
which I don't see as likely.
218
00:09:28,591 --> 00:09:29,690
Hacha!
219
00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:33,594
Okay... Let me see here.
220
00:09:33,596 --> 00:09:35,162
Okay, kidding aside--
221
00:09:35,164 --> 00:09:37,564
Howard, you are a good friend.
222
00:09:37,566 --> 00:09:40,100
And I wish you nothing
but happiness.
223
00:09:40,102 --> 00:09:41,435
Bazinga, I don't!
224
00:09:42,537 --> 00:09:44,655
Sheldon...
Doubleazinga! I do!
225
00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:48,642
Good luck
following that.
226
00:09:51,079 --> 00:09:53,447
So, Howard Wolowitz
tying the knot.
227
00:09:53,449 --> 00:09:56,500
Leaving his crazy
bachelor days behind.
228
00:09:56,502 --> 00:09:58,669
He was a wild one.
229
00:09:58,671 --> 00:10:01,872
Well, I guess
we all kind of were.
230
00:10:02,707 --> 00:10:04,824
I remember this one time,
231
00:10:04,826 --> 00:10:08,161
I was with this girl
at the beach.
232
00:10:08,163 --> 00:10:12,349
We were in the ocean and
we started making out.
233
00:10:13,468 --> 00:10:16,219
I know, it was crazy.
234
00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:19,139
I wasn't even wearing
my Aquasocks.
235
00:10:20,642 --> 00:10:21,692
Then...
236
00:10:21,694 --> 00:10:22,676
Nobody cares, Hofstadter.
237
00:10:22,678 --> 00:10:23,810
Wrap it up.
238
00:10:23,812 --> 00:10:25,028
Right.
239
00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:25,979
To Howard.
240
00:10:25,981 --> 00:10:27,514
To Howard.
241
00:10:27,516 --> 00:10:29,483
I totally had sex
in the ocean.
242
00:10:31,953 --> 00:10:35,956
Okay, I'll go.
243
00:10:35,958 --> 00:10:41,244
Howard, when I think about you
and Bernadette
244
00:10:41,246 --> 00:10:44,197
starting this wonderful life
together,
245
00:10:44,199 --> 00:10:47,217
I can't help but
get a little choked up.
246
00:10:47,219 --> 00:10:48,418
I mean...
247
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:49,419
look at you.
248
00:10:49,421 --> 00:10:52,172
You have everything.
249
00:10:52,174 --> 00:10:53,473
Look at me.
250
00:10:53,475 --> 00:10:55,542
I'm 37.
251
00:10:55,544 --> 00:10:57,894
I sleep in the back of
a comic book store,
252
00:10:57,896 --> 00:11:01,665
and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.
253
00:11:03,718 --> 00:11:06,186
To Howard.
254
00:11:06,188 --> 00:11:09,556
Yeah, to Howard.
Yes...
255
00:11:09,558 --> 00:11:12,159
- Um, uh, who's next?
- I'll go.
256
00:11:12,161 --> 00:11:17,080
Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody's thinking
257
00:11:17,082 --> 00:11:20,367
but no one has the courage
to say out loud.
258
00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:22,419
When you invite a man
to a bachelor party,
259
00:11:22,421 --> 00:11:25,172
the implication is,
there will be strippers.
260
00:11:25,174 --> 00:11:27,708
Maybe not completely nude,
261
00:11:27,710 --> 00:11:29,342
but at least pasties
and G-strings.
262
00:11:29,344 --> 00:11:31,428
That's not unreasonable.
263
00:11:31,430 --> 00:11:33,880
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
264
00:11:33,882 --> 00:11:36,433
Okay, uh, anybody else?
265
00:11:36,435 --> 00:11:38,084
Huh? No?
266
00:11:38,086 --> 00:11:42,522
Okay, it all comes down
to me, the best man.
267
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,428
Ooh! This grasshopper is
kicking my ass-hopper.
268
00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:51,931
Okay, okay, when I first
came to this country,
269
00:11:51,933 --> 00:11:55,435
I-I didn't know how to
behave or how to dress,
270
00:11:55,437 --> 00:11:58,321
or what was cool...
I was pretty lonely.
271
00:11:58,323 --> 00:12:02,108
But then I met Howard, and
suddenly, my life changed,
272
00:12:02,110 --> 00:12:05,996
because we could
be lonely together.
273
00:12:09,283 --> 00:12:13,086
This man became
my whole world.
274
00:12:13,088 --> 00:12:15,639
Yeah, nice speech, Francine.
275
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:22,679
I'm not done,
but thank you.
276
00:12:22,681 --> 00:12:24,964
I think back....
277
00:12:27,401 --> 00:12:29,820
...to all the good times
we had, like, uh,
278
00:12:29,822 --> 00:12:31,971
when we went camping
and spent that night
279
00:12:31,973 --> 00:12:33,690
telling each other
all our secrets.
280
00:12:33,692 --> 00:12:36,643
I told him I'm addicted
to pedicures
281
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:39,863
and he told me he lost his
virginity to his cousin.
282
00:12:43,001 --> 00:12:45,919
She was my second cousin.
283
00:12:45,921 --> 00:12:47,671
And the first woman you ever
disappointed sexually.
284
00:12:47,673 --> 00:12:50,040
Ba-da-bazinga!
285
00:12:50,042 --> 00:12:52,826
Oh... oh, yeah, and then
there was the time
286
00:12:52,828 --> 00:12:56,096
when Leonard and I took
Howard to Las Vegas
287
00:12:56,098 --> 00:12:59,933
and paid a hooker to
pretend she was Jewish
288
00:12:59,935 --> 00:13:03,937
and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.
289
00:13:05,841 --> 00:13:07,974
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
290
00:13:07,976 --> 00:13:10,143
that one's my favorite!
291
00:13:10,145 --> 00:13:12,679
Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.
292
00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:15,615
Oh, oh, what about
that tubby girl
293
00:13:15,617 --> 00:13:18,151
in the Sailor Moon
costume at Comic-con?
294
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,204
Don't remember.
Please sit down.
295
00:13:21,206 --> 00:13:23,990
The only threesome
I've ever had in my life,
296
00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:27,294
and I'm proud to say it was
with this man right here.
297
00:13:30,749 --> 00:13:32,465
Oh, please shut up.
298
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:33,917
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong,
299
00:13:33,919 --> 00:13:36,086
nothing happened with
me and Howard.
300
00:13:36,088 --> 00:13:39,673
There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.
301
00:13:43,477 --> 00:13:48,698
Oh, Internet, this is
so going all over you.
302
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,885
Jeepers, I'm drunk.
303
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,684
Thank you for picking us up.
304
00:13:59,686 --> 00:14:01,787
There's a warning, right there,
on the scotch bottle.
305
00:14:01,789 --> 00:14:04,323
You cannot be
operatin' heavy machinery
306
00:14:04,325 --> 00:14:07,459
after you had a snootful
of this, laddie!
307
00:14:12,249 --> 00:14:14,583
Funny.
308
00:14:14,585 --> 00:14:16,334
You boys have a nice time?
309
00:14:16,336 --> 00:14:18,436
Yeah, it was great.
310
00:14:18,438 --> 00:14:19,554
Low-key, like I promised.
311
00:14:19,556 --> 00:14:21,756
No hanky-panky, no strippers.
312
00:14:21,758 --> 00:14:25,427
Just the guys telling jokes.
313
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,596
That's nice.
314
00:14:27,598 --> 00:14:31,066
How about you?
Did you have a fun night?
315
00:14:31,068 --> 00:14:34,069
Yeah, we, uh, made
gift bags, had wine,
316
00:14:34,071 --> 00:14:36,821
and then went online
and saw this.
317
00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:40,558
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
318
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,277
that one's my favorite.
319
00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:49,784
You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.
320
00:14:49,786 --> 00:14:53,038
If you stop the car,
I can walk from here.
321
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,575
You ain't goin'
anywhere, Threeway.
322
00:14:56,577 --> 00:14:59,794
Bernadette, listen...
You lied to me.
323
00:14:59,796 --> 00:15:02,297
You said you told me about all
the girls you've been with,
324
00:15:02,299 --> 00:15:06,885
but you never mentioned your
cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
325
00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:10,472
Seriously, you don't even have
to stop the car.
326
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,090
Anything under ten miles an hour
327
00:15:12,092 --> 00:15:14,092
and I can combat-roll
into the street.
328
00:15:16,479 --> 00:15:18,730
Okay, just to set
the record straight,
329
00:15:18,732 --> 00:15:23,118
I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.
330
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,486
Shame on you, Raj.
331
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:27,105
That is not how we treat
women in this country.
332
00:15:28,624 --> 00:15:30,659
Don't you try and
blame this on him.
333
00:15:30,661 --> 00:15:32,911
- Thank you, Bernadette.
- Zip it, pervert!
334
00:15:36,215 --> 00:15:38,583
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
335
00:15:38,585 --> 00:15:40,702
I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks
336
00:15:40,704 --> 00:15:43,638
and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.
337
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,974
I'm curious
what's bothering you most:
338
00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:49,177
the borderline incest,
the prostitute or group sex
339
00:15:49,179 --> 00:15:52,147
with the girl dressed as
the children's cartoon?
340
00:15:53,015 --> 00:15:55,150
Amy, remember when
we went over things
341
00:15:55,152 --> 00:15:57,185
that would be helpful
and things that wouldn't?
342
00:15:57,187 --> 00:15:58,820
Right.
343
00:15:58,822 --> 00:16:01,106
- And that was...
- Not.
344
00:16:02,992 --> 00:16:05,577
When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me,
345
00:16:05,579 --> 00:16:07,979
just a sweet little guy who
lives with his mother.
346
00:16:07,981 --> 00:16:09,981
Well, if that's what
you like, I'll take you
347
00:16:09,983 --> 00:16:12,500
to the comic book store--
the place is full of 'em.
348
00:16:13,436 --> 00:16:15,870
Wait a minute.
349
00:16:15,872 --> 00:16:17,989
You set me up with Howard.
350
00:16:18,591 --> 00:16:19,591
Did you know about
351
00:16:19,593 --> 00:16:21,326
all the creepy stuff
he was into?
352
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:23,712
Well, a little.
You hear stuff...
353
00:16:26,248 --> 00:16:28,249
Why didn't you tell me
354
00:16:28,251 --> 00:16:29,434
Well, I was gonna,
but I didn't think
355
00:16:29,436 --> 00:16:31,086
it would go past
the first date.
356
00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:32,971
Then, when it did,
I thought for sure
357
00:16:32,973 --> 00:16:34,639
it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.
358
00:16:34,641 --> 00:16:36,558
Definitely not past the
two of you sleeping together.
359
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,279
I mean, the warning signs were
there-- this is really on you.
360
00:16:41,281 --> 00:16:42,097
God!
361
00:16:42,099 --> 00:16:43,898
I thought you were
my friend.
362
00:16:49,706 --> 00:16:51,356
I don't think
that was helpful.
363
00:16:54,126 --> 00:16:56,244
Hi, Bernie, it's me again.
364
00:16:56,246 --> 00:16:58,463
Please call me back.
365
00:16:58,465 --> 00:17:00,915
Dude, I am so sorry.
366
00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:03,201
It's not your fault,
it's mine.
367
00:17:03,203 --> 00:17:05,587
I did all that stuff,
not you.
368
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:08,539
Actually, you did do
one of them together.
369
00:17:09,592 --> 00:17:11,375
Here.
370
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:12,460
What is this?
371
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:13,544
You're upset.
372
00:17:13,546 --> 00:17:14,512
The convention is to
373
00:17:14,514 --> 00:17:16,181
bring an upset person
a hot beverage.
374
00:17:16,183 --> 00:17:17,799
No, but what is it?
375
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:18,733
Chicken broth.
376
00:17:18,735 --> 00:17:21,186
It seemed culturally
appropriate.
377
00:17:22,405 --> 00:17:24,189
Also, there was a single cube
of chicken bouillon
378
00:17:24,191 --> 00:17:25,774
in the cupboard when I moved in
379
00:17:25,776 --> 00:17:29,277
and it's been bothering me
for the last eight years...
380
00:17:29,279 --> 00:17:31,496
So, as they say, two birds.
381
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:35,617
I don't know what
my next move is.
382
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:38,453
Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women...
383
00:17:38,455 --> 00:17:40,739
- Yeah?
- No, uh, that, that's it.
384
00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,891
I don't know much about women.
385
00:17:44,293 --> 00:17:45,994
Raj, you got anything?
386
00:17:45,996 --> 00:17:49,247
I've got the phone number of
the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
387
00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,935
I'm not calling the
girl from Comic-con.
388
00:17:53,937 --> 00:17:55,186
All right.
389
00:17:55,188 --> 00:17:57,639
More Sailor Moon for me.
390
00:17:59,608 --> 00:18:02,260
I just threw up
the bachelor party.
391
00:18:05,448 --> 00:18:07,031
Please come out, Bernadette.
392
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,533
Let's talk through this.
393
00:18:08,535 --> 00:18:10,018
No, leave me alone.
394
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:13,571
Perhaps you should give him
a taste of his own medicine.
395
00:18:13,573 --> 00:18:15,457
Do you have a cousin
who you find attractive?
396
00:18:15,459 --> 00:18:18,860
Amy.
397
00:18:18,862 --> 00:18:20,545
Hey, you introduced him
to the sleazebag.
398
00:18:20,547 --> 00:18:23,114
I'm just trying to
clean up your mess.
399
00:18:24,783 --> 00:18:26,234
Oh, hi.
400
00:18:26,236 --> 00:18:27,385
Hi.
401
00:18:27,387 --> 00:18:29,471
I need to talk to Bernadette.
402
00:18:29,473 --> 00:18:32,790
Well, I don't think she wants
to talk to anyone right now.
403
00:18:32,792 --> 00:18:37,145
All right, well, could you
at least give her a message?
404
00:18:37,147 --> 00:18:38,963
Yeah, sure, I guess.
405
00:18:38,965 --> 00:18:42,767
Tell her I'm really sorry.
406
00:18:42,769 --> 00:18:48,106
And if she doesn't want
to marry me, I get it.
407
00:18:48,108 --> 00:18:50,525
But what I really
want her to know
408
00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:52,810
is the guy that
she's disgusted by,
409
00:18:52,812 --> 00:18:54,946
is the guy that
I'm disgusted by, too.
410
00:18:54,948 --> 00:18:57,999
But that guy doesn't
exist anymore; he's gone.
411
00:18:58,001 --> 00:19:03,087
And the reason is
because of her.
412
00:19:03,089 --> 00:19:08,510
So, if this
relationship is over,
413
00:19:08,512 --> 00:19:12,630
let her know that
she made me a better man,
414
00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:17,101
and tell her thank you.
415
00:19:17,103 --> 00:19:20,905
Oh, my God, Howard.
416
00:19:20,907 --> 00:19:25,443
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
417
00:19:25,445 --> 00:19:29,614
And it came out of you.
418
00:19:30,599 --> 00:19:33,284
Howie?
419
00:19:33,286 --> 00:19:36,538
Penny has a message for you.
420
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,456
I heard.
421
00:19:38,458 --> 00:19:41,943
Your voice, not unlike your
mother's, travels through walls.
422
00:19:41,945 --> 00:19:44,412
Do you want me to go?
423
00:19:44,414 --> 00:19:45,997
No.
424
00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:47,865
Come here.
425
00:19:53,205 --> 00:19:55,006
I'm still really
mad at you.
426
00:19:55,008 --> 00:19:56,874
I get that.
427
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:59,510
Is there anything else about
your past I should know?
428
00:19:59,512 --> 00:20:02,347
Couple things, but, you know,
most of them happened overseas.
429
00:20:02,349 --> 00:20:04,515
I'll tell you later.
430
00:20:06,352 --> 00:20:07,669
Okay.
431
00:20:07,671 --> 00:20:10,021
So, is the wedding still on?
432
00:20:10,023 --> 00:20:13,358
Yeah, the wedding's still on.
433
00:20:14,894 --> 00:20:16,811
Oh, thank God.
434
00:20:16,813 --> 00:20:19,547
I'm still a maid of honor!
435
00:20:20,899 --> 00:20:23,451
Oh, what the hell.
436
00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:26,604
This is kind of hot.
437
00:20:34,444 --> 00:20:36,778
Hello.
438
00:20:36,839 --> 00:20:38,689
What's with the robe?
439
00:20:38,691 --> 00:20:41,058
I'm gonna have sex with you
right here,
440
00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:43,277
right now, on that
washing machine.
441
00:20:46,198 --> 00:20:48,049
No, you're not.
442
00:20:48,051 --> 00:20:51,068
Come on, please.
443
00:20:52,571 --> 00:20:54,021
If you want to do something,
444
00:20:54,023 --> 00:20:56,424
you can help me
fold this sheet.
445
00:20:57,743 --> 00:21:00,294
Folding a sheet in my underwear,
still pretty crazy.
446
00:21:00,296 --> 00:21:04,296
== sync, corrected by elderman ==