1
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:15,317
I wish you could all
be inside my head.
2
00:00:15,662 --> 00:00:18,047
The conversation is sparkling.
3
00:00:20,115 --> 00:00:21,828
Fine, I'll tell you.
4
00:00:22,031 --> 00:00:25,148
A lichen is an organism made
up of two separate species,
5
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,492
fungi and algae.
6
00:00:26,530 --> 00:00:28,444
If you could merge
with another species,
7
00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:31,061
what species would
you pick and why?
8
00:00:31,129 --> 00:00:33,713
There is a right answer.
9
00:00:35,082 --> 00:00:36,665
None of you will get it.
10
00:00:38,101 --> 00:00:41,887
Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh,
the resulting hybrid
11
00:00:41,889 --> 00:00:44,056
would have the advanced
industrial civilization
12
00:00:44,058 --> 00:00:46,525
of a human and
the long graceful neck
13
00:00:46,527 --> 00:00:48,677
I've always dreamed of having.
14
00:00:49,930 --> 00:00:52,615
Wrong. Leonard?
15
00:00:52,617 --> 00:00:56,485
Horse, but mostly just
for the height.
16
00:00:56,487 --> 00:00:59,405
A little bit for
the genital girth.
17
00:01:00,574 --> 00:01:02,691
Wrong, and let's
keep it clean, shall we?
18
00:01:04,161 --> 00:01:05,328
Kangaroo, uh,
19
00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:07,330
I'd be Kanga-Jew.
20
00:01:08,716 --> 00:01:11,917
The first of my people
to dunk a basketball.
21
00:01:11,919 --> 00:01:14,220
Also instead of just living
in your mother's house,
22
00:01:14,222 --> 00:01:17,089
you could actually
live inside her body.
23
00:01:20,377 --> 00:01:22,428
Clever, but also wrong.
24
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,047
No, the best organism for human
beings to merge with
25
00:01:25,049 --> 00:01:26,599
is the lichen itself.
26
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:29,986
That way, you'd be human,
fungus, and algae.
27
00:01:29,988 --> 00:01:31,553
Triple threat.
28
00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:34,556
Like three-bean salad.
29
00:01:34,558 --> 00:01:37,143
Give me one circumstance in
which that would be useful.
30
00:01:37,145 --> 00:01:38,077
All right, picture this:
31
00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:40,562
A beautiful outdoor concert.
32
00:01:40,564 --> 00:01:43,065
Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.
33
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:45,785
As a fungus,
I have a terrific view,
34
00:01:45,787 --> 00:01:47,736
growing out of a
towering maple tree.
35
00:01:47,738 --> 00:01:49,955
And no thank you,
expensive concessions.
36
00:01:49,957 --> 00:01:53,676
Because as an algae, I'll just
snack on this sunlight.
37
00:01:54,528 --> 00:01:57,113
- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.
38
00:01:57,115 --> 00:01:59,348
Anyway, if it's okay with you,
39
00:01:59,366 --> 00:02:02,052
we should talk about
Howard's bachelor party.
40
00:02:02,053 --> 00:02:02,820
Oh, oh.
41
00:02:02,842 --> 00:02:04,273
Seems like a bit of a letdown
44
00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:11,610
I've been doing
some research on strippers.
45
00:02:11,612 --> 00:02:14,280
One agency I spoke to, said I
could get us a great price
46
00:02:14,282 --> 00:02:18,034
if we're flexible on
age range and number of limbs.
47
00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:20,769
Sounds like loads of fun,
48
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:23,482
but I promised Bernadette
no strippers.
49
00:02:23,566 --> 00:02:25,926
You don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.
50
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,412
The one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.
51
00:02:30,562 --> 00:02:33,116
What can I tell ya-- I'm not
into that stuff anymore.
52
00:02:33,138 --> 00:02:34,854
Good for you, Howard.
I'm proud of you.
53
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,923
And still, you're the first one
of use to get married.
54
00:02:36,947 --> 00:02:38,290
We have to do something special.
55
00:02:38,339 --> 00:02:41,173
You know Germans have an
interesting pre-wedding custom--
56
00:02:41,175 --> 00:02:44,260
Well, it's probably not for me.
57
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,964
Maybe we can go up to
Napa Valley.
58
00:02:48,966 --> 00:02:50,332
They've got that wine train.
59
00:02:50,334 --> 00:02:51,767
Boo, wine!
60
00:02:51,769 --> 00:02:54,153
But yay, trains. I'm in.
61
00:02:54,155 --> 00:02:57,106
Anyway, it's a beautiful
time of year.
62
00:02:57,108 --> 00:02:59,158
Uh, you travel through
the vineyards.
63
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,359
There's a tasting on board.
64
00:03:00,361 --> 00:03:02,995
And all the wildflowers
are in bloom.
65
00:03:02,997 --> 00:03:05,081
Magic.
66
00:03:05,106 --> 00:03:07,216
Look at that, in 30 seconds,
67
00:03:07,259 --> 00:03:10,644
we went from
hiring women to being them.
68
00:03:11,154 --> 00:03:14,590
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
69
00:03:14,592 --> 00:03:18,344
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
70
00:03:18,346 --> 00:03:19,995
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
71
00:03:19,997 --> 00:03:22,681
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
72
00:03:22,683 --> 00:03:24,667
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
73
00:03:24,669 --> 00:03:27,603
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
74
00:03:27,605 --> 00:03:29,522
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
75
00:03:29,524 --> 00:03:31,323
♪ Bang! ♪
76
00:03:31,348 --> 00:03:33,848
The Big Bang Theory 5x22
The Stag Convergence
Original Air Date on April 26, 2012
77
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,793
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
78
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,585
So, I hear you and
the lost boys are having
79
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,871
a bachelor party tonight.
80
00:03:42,381 --> 00:03:44,881
Yeah, just going to a
restaurant, get some steaks,
81
00:03:44,906 --> 00:03:47,690
and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?
82
00:03:47,706 --> 00:03:49,282
Well, I don't know.
It's a bachelor party.
83
00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,198
There could be strippers.
84
00:03:50,219 --> 00:03:51,769
Wouldn't that make you
a little jealous?
85
00:03:51,823 --> 00:03:54,331
Oh, come on Leonard, it's you.
What's going to happen?
86
00:03:54,352 --> 00:03:56,335
I mean, even if
there was a stripper,
87
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:57,803
all you'd do is avoid
eye-contact
88
00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:01,474
and maybe offer to help
her kid with his homework.
89
00:04:01,476 --> 00:04:04,143
Hey, I am a young man
in his sexual prime.
90
00:04:04,145 --> 00:04:07,146
Under the right conditions,
I-I-I am capable of just,
91
00:04:07,148 --> 00:04:10,182
really crazy stuff.
92
00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:11,901
Really? What is
the craziest thing
93
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,285
you've ever done with a woman?
94
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:16,155
And the time you and I had sex
in the ocean does not count.
95
00:04:16,157 --> 00:04:18,624
Oh, come on.
That's got to count.
96
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:22,478
There was a really strong
undertow, we could have died.
97
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,246
Well, have fun tonight.
98
00:04:24,248 --> 00:04:25,631
Oh, I will.
99
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,551
There is no telling
what might happen.
100
00:04:29,886 --> 00:04:31,303
Yeah, there is.
101
00:04:32,556 --> 00:04:34,507
You know, there's
nothing wrong helping
102
00:04:34,509 --> 00:04:37,009
some woman's kid
get through their S.A.T.'s.
103
00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:42,648
Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,
104
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,900
He found a really nice spot
to have a bachelor party.
105
00:04:44,902 --> 00:04:46,485
It's not bad.
106
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:49,822
Unless you compare it to
a train; then it stinks.
107
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,658
Are you drinking whiskey?
108
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,060
Indeed.
109
00:04:54,062 --> 00:04:57,062
If I'm to participate
in the social convention
110
00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:00,950
that is the stag night, then I
must embrace all its components:
111
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:06,038
Including tobacco,
swear words, and yes, alcohol.
112
00:05:07,157 --> 00:05:11,043
Jeepers! That's yucky.
113
00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:13,546
Whoa, it's a little
early to start
114
00:05:13,548 --> 00:05:16,332
dropping J-bombs,
don't you think?
115
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:17,967
Hey, you guys.
116
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,686
Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to
make it out tonight for Howard.
117
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,388
Well, it was either
this or another
118
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,724
hot tub party at
George Takei's house.
119
00:05:24,726 --> 00:05:26,425
I'm confused.
120
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,260
I thought since our
reconciliation,
121
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,762
I was your friend
in this group.
122
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,417
Oh, I'm friends
with Howard too.
123
00:05:31,442 --> 00:05:32,115
Oh!
124
00:05:32,116 --> 00:05:34,650
I guess you're just
friends with anybody.
125
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:39,104
Aah!
126
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,540
Hey, uh, Leonard...
127
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,710
things are a little tight
at the comic book store.
128
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,780
I might need some help covering
my share of the check.
129
00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,465
Oh, yeah, no worries.
130
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,250
And maybe a few bucks
for the valet.
131
00:05:51,252 --> 00:05:52,334
Oh, all right.
132
00:05:52,336 --> 00:05:54,336
And gas money to get home.
133
00:05:54,338 --> 00:05:56,622
Yeah, sure.
Great.
134
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,523
You know what? This is
my grandfather's watch.
135
00:05:59,548 --> 00:05:59,959
Oh.
136
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,749
18-carat gold, got it
in Europe during the war.
137
00:06:02,804 --> 00:06:04,470
Wow, that's very nice.
Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:04,503 --> 00:06:06,831
100 bucks and it's yours.
139
00:06:06,986 --> 00:06:08,936
Hey, everybody!
140
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:11,409
The bachelor boy has arrived!
141
00:06:11,516 --> 00:06:14,251
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
142
00:06:14,322 --> 00:06:16,472
♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
143
00:06:16,474 --> 00:06:19,607
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
144
00:06:19,676 --> 00:06:21,342
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
145
00:06:21,388 --> 00:06:23,722
Yes, yes, yes.
He's a jolly good fellow.
146
00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:26,396
What time do
the strippers arrive?
147
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,914
Actually, Barry, we're not going
to have strippers tonight.
148
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:33,717
Ah, then what the frig did I get
200 dollars in singles out for?
149
00:06:35,268 --> 00:06:37,436
You want to buy a watch?
150
00:06:40,389 --> 00:06:43,091
This is Maid of Honor
Amy Farrah Fowler,
151
00:06:43,093 --> 00:06:44,693
bringing you the
wedding activities
152
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,912
just weeks out from
the big day.
153
00:06:46,914 --> 00:06:50,332
Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman,
154
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:53,618
and her friend who's
about to get married.
155
00:06:55,038 --> 00:06:57,339
Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?
156
00:06:57,341 --> 00:06:58,840
Um, these are gift bags
157
00:06:58,842 --> 00:07:01,409
we're going to put in the hotel
rooms of our out-of-town guests.
158
00:07:01,411 --> 00:07:03,111
This is a map of Pasadena.
159
00:07:03,113 --> 00:07:05,047
This is a list of
local restaurants.
160
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,414
And then, for
Howie's relatives,
161
00:07:06,416 --> 00:07:08,216
we have antihistamines,
antacids,
162
00:07:08,218 --> 00:07:11,252
and medicine for diarrhea
and constipation.
163
00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:13,972
Yeah, we labeled them
"stop and go."
164
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,510
All right, pivoting
165
00:07:18,512 --> 00:07:20,261
Bernadette,
on your wedding night
166
00:07:20,263 --> 00:07:21,913
you'll be consummating
your marriage.
167
00:07:21,915 --> 00:07:24,032
What do you think your first
sexual position will be
168
00:07:24,034 --> 00:07:26,952
as husband and wife?
169
00:07:26,954 --> 00:07:28,770
Amy, please.
170
00:07:28,772 --> 00:07:30,405
Keeping in mind that
whoever's on top
171
00:07:30,407 --> 00:07:33,041
may set the tone
for the marriage.
172
00:07:33,043 --> 00:07:35,443
Okay, show's over.
173
00:07:35,445 --> 00:07:38,080
Hey, they may conceive a child
on their wedding night.
174
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,498
Don't you think
the kid might get a kick
175
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,066
out of knowing how it happened?
176
00:07:41,951 --> 00:07:43,301
I don't care.
177
00:07:43,303 --> 00:07:45,620
Ask her things like "Are you
going to take Howard's name?"
178
00:07:45,622 --> 00:07:47,889
Not "Who's going
to sit on who."
179
00:07:49,258 --> 00:07:51,510
I've actually been thinking
I'm going to hyphenate:
180
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:55,347
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
181
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:56,481
Nice.
182
00:07:56,483 --> 00:07:57,732
You know, you should totally get
183
00:07:57,734 --> 00:08:00,018
Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com
184
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:03,471
before someone snaps it up.
185
00:08:03,473 --> 00:08:05,190
Howard already took care of it.
186
00:08:06,692 --> 00:08:09,027
Plus, he set up our
beautiful wedding Web site
187
00:08:09,029 --> 00:08:11,413
with cute little facts
about our family histories.
188
00:08:11,415 --> 00:08:13,115
Do you know,
for a while in Poland,
189
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,617
my family and his family
were neighbors.
190
00:08:15,619 --> 00:08:16,835
Oh, that's cool.
191
00:08:16,837 --> 00:08:19,921
No, it's not.
I'll explain it to you later.
192
00:08:24,628 --> 00:08:27,095
May I have
your attention, please?
193
00:08:27,097 --> 00:08:30,599
We are hear tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials
194
00:08:30,601 --> 00:08:33,168
of my best friend
Howard Wolowitz.
195
00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:35,170
Hear! Hear!
196
00:08:35,172 --> 00:08:37,889
And, apparently,
Wil Wheaton's best friend.
197
00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:39,941
Sheldon...
198
00:08:39,943 --> 00:08:41,893
Talk to the hand.
199
00:08:43,096 --> 00:08:45,366
Does anyone have any words
200
00:08:45,398 --> 00:08:48,023
they'd like to say about
our man of the evening?
201
00:08:48,068 --> 00:08:49,067
I do.
202
00:08:50,637 --> 00:08:52,037
As is the tradition,
203
00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:55,207
I have prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes
204
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:57,959
which generate humor
at Howard's expense.
205
00:08:57,961 --> 00:08:59,861
Prepare to have your ribs
tickled...
206
00:08:59,863 --> 00:09:04,416
Howard... I always thought
you'd be the last one of us
207
00:09:04,418 --> 00:09:08,036
to ever get married, because you
are so short and unappealing.
208
00:09:08,038 --> 00:09:09,237
Am I right?
209
00:09:10,189 --> 00:09:11,706
Let's see here.
210
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:13,208
Oh, seriously though, Howard,
211
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:16,978
you're actually one of the most
intelligent people I know.
212
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,930
And that's a zinger,
because you're not.
213
00:09:21,218 --> 00:09:23,735
I've always thought
that you'd make
214
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,720
someone a fine husband someday.
215
00:09:25,722 --> 00:09:27,405
Assuming you'd be able
to get the parts,
216
00:09:27,407 --> 00:09:29,107
and develop the
engineering skills
217
00:09:29,109 --> 00:09:31,193
to assemble them,
which I don't see as likely.
218
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,294
Hacha!
219
00:09:34,581 --> 00:09:36,198
Okay... Let me see here.
220
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,766
Okay, kidding aside--
221
00:09:37,768 --> 00:09:40,168
Howard, you are a good friend.
222
00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:42,704
And I wish you nothing
but happiness.
223
00:09:42,706 --> 00:09:44,039
Bazinga, I don't!
224
00:09:45,141 --> 00:09:47,259
Sheldon...
Doubleazinga! I do!
225
00:09:48,294 --> 00:09:51,246
Good luck following that.
226
00:09:53,683 --> 00:09:56,051
So, Howard Wolowitz
tying the knot.
227
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:59,104
Leaving his crazy
bachelor days behind.
228
00:09:59,106 --> 00:10:01,273
He was a wild one.
229
00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:04,476
Well, I guess
we all kind of were.
230
00:10:05,311 --> 00:10:07,428
I remember this one time,
231
00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:10,765
I was with this girl
at the beach.
232
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:14,953
We were in the ocean and
we started making out.
233
00:10:16,072 --> 00:10:18,823
I know, it was crazy.
234
00:10:19,792 --> 00:10:21,743
I wasn't even wearing
my Aquasocks.
235
00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:24,296
Then...
236
00:10:24,298 --> 00:10:25,280
Nobody cares, Hofstadter.
237
00:10:25,282 --> 00:10:26,414
Wrap it up.
238
00:10:26,416 --> 00:10:27,632
Right.
239
00:10:27,634 --> 00:10:28,583
To Howard.
240
00:10:28,585 --> 00:10:30,118
To Howard.
241
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,087
I totally had sex in the ocean.
242
00:10:34,557 --> 00:10:38,560
Okay, I'll go.
243
00:10:38,562 --> 00:10:43,848
Howard, when I think about you
and Bernadette
244
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:46,801
starting this wonderful life
together,
245
00:10:46,803 --> 00:10:49,821
I can't help but
get a little choked up.
246
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,022
I mean...
247
00:10:51,024 --> 00:10:52,023
look at you.
248
00:10:52,025 --> 00:10:54,776
You have everything.
249
00:10:54,778 --> 00:10:56,077
Look at me.
250
00:10:56,079 --> 00:10:58,146
I'm 37.
251
00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:00,498
I sleep in the back of
a comic book store,
252
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:04,269
and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.
253
00:11:06,322 --> 00:11:08,790
To Howard.
254
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:12,160
Yeah, to Howard.
Yes...
255
00:11:12,162 --> 00:11:14,763
- Um, uh, who's next?
- I'll go.
256
00:11:14,765 --> 00:11:19,684
Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody's thinking
257
00:11:19,686 --> 00:11:22,971
but no one has the courage
to say out loud.
258
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:25,023
When you invite a man
to a bachelor party,
259
00:11:25,025 --> 00:11:27,776
the implication is,
there will be strippers.
260
00:11:27,778 --> 00:11:30,312
Maybe not completely nude,
261
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:31,946
but at least pasties
and G-strings.
262
00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:34,032
That's not unreasonable.
263
00:11:34,034 --> 00:11:36,484
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
264
00:11:36,486 --> 00:11:39,037
Okay, uh, anybody else?
265
00:11:39,039 --> 00:11:40,688
Huh? No?
266
00:11:40,690 --> 00:11:45,126
Okay, it all comes down
to me, the best man.
267
00:11:47,364 --> 00:11:51,032
Ooh! This grasshopper is
kicking my ass-hopper.
268
00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:54,535
Okay, okay, when I first
came to this country,
269
00:11:54,537 --> 00:11:58,039
I-I didn't know how to
behave or how to dress,
270
00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:00,925
or what was cool...
I was pretty lonely.
271
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:04,712
But then I met Howard, and
suddenly, my life changed,
272
00:12:04,714 --> 00:12:08,600
because we could
be lonely together.
273
00:12:11,887 --> 00:12:15,690
This man became my whole world.
274
00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:18,243
Yeah, nice speech, Francine.
275
00:12:21,897 --> 00:12:25,283
I'm not done, but thank you.
276
00:12:25,285 --> 00:12:27,568
I think back...
277
00:12:30,005 --> 00:12:32,424
to all the good times
we had, like, uh,
278
00:12:32,426 --> 00:12:34,575
when we went camping
and spent that night
279
00:12:34,577 --> 00:12:36,294
telling each other
all our secrets.
280
00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:39,247
I told him I'm addicted
to pedicures
281
00:12:39,249 --> 00:12:42,467
and he told me he lost his
virginity to his cousin.
282
00:12:45,605 --> 00:12:48,523
She was my second cousin.
283
00:12:48,525 --> 00:12:50,275
And the first woman you ever
disappointed sexually.
284
00:12:50,277 --> 00:12:52,644
Ba-da-bazinga!
285
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:55,430
Oh... oh, yeah, and then
there was the time
286
00:12:55,432 --> 00:12:58,700
when Leonard and I took
Howard to Las Vegas
287
00:12:58,702 --> 00:13:02,537
and paid a hooker to
pretend she was Jewish
288
00:13:02,539 --> 00:13:06,541
and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.
289
00:13:08,445 --> 00:13:10,578
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
290
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:12,747
that one's my favorite!
291
00:13:12,749 --> 00:13:15,283
Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.
292
00:13:15,285 --> 00:13:18,219
Oh, oh, what about
that tubby girl
293
00:13:18,221 --> 00:13:20,755
in the Sailor Moon
costume at Comic-con?
294
00:13:21,924 --> 00:13:23,808
Don't remember.
Please sit down.
295
00:13:23,810 --> 00:13:26,594
The only threesome
I've ever had in my life,
296
00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:29,898
and I'm proud to say it was
with this man right here.
297
00:13:33,353 --> 00:13:35,069
Oh, please shut up.
298
00:13:35,071 --> 00:13:36,521
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong,
299
00:13:36,523 --> 00:13:38,690
nothing happened with
me and Howard.
300
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:42,277
There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.
301
00:13:46,081 --> 00:13:51,302
Oh, Internet, this is
so going all over you.
302
00:13:51,304 --> 00:13:54,489
Jeepers, I'm drunk.
303
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,354
Thank you for picking us up.
304
00:14:03,356 --> 00:14:05,457
There's a warning, right there,
on the scotch bottle.
305
00:14:05,459 --> 00:14:07,993
You cannot be
operatin' heavy machinery
306
00:14:07,995 --> 00:14:11,129
after you had a snootful
of this, laddie!
307
00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:18,253
Funny.
308
00:14:18,255 --> 00:14:20,004
You boys have a nice time?
309
00:14:20,006 --> 00:14:22,106
Yeah, it was great.
310
00:14:22,108 --> 00:14:23,224
Low-key, like I promised.
311
00:14:23,226 --> 00:14:25,426
No hanky-panky, no strippers.
312
00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:29,097
Just the guys telling jokes.
313
00:14:29,099 --> 00:14:31,266
That's nice.
314
00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:34,736
How about you?
Did you have a fun night?
315
00:14:34,738 --> 00:14:37,739
Yeah, we, uh, made
gift bags, had wine,
316
00:14:37,741 --> 00:14:40,491
and then went online
and saw this.
317
00:14:40,493 --> 00:14:44,228
Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,
318
00:14:44,230 --> 00:14:45,947
that one's my favorite.
319
00:14:51,337 --> 00:14:53,454
You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.
320
00:14:53,456 --> 00:14:56,708
If you stop the car,
I can walk from here.
321
00:14:56,710 --> 00:15:00,245
You ain't goin'
anywhere, Threeway.
322
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:03,464
Bernadette, listen...
You lied to me.
323
00:15:03,466 --> 00:15:05,729
You said you told me about all
the girls you've been with,
324
00:15:05,757 --> 00:15:10,343
but you never mentioned your
cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
325
00:15:11,228 --> 00:15:13,845
Seriously, you don't even have
to stop the car.
326
00:15:13,877 --> 00:15:15,493
Anything under ten miles an hour
327
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,520
and I can combat-roll
into the street.
328
00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,985
Okay, just to set
the record straight,
329
00:15:22,042 --> 00:15:26,428
I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.
330
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:27,858
Shame on you, Raj.
331
00:15:27,884 --> 00:15:30,501
That is not how we treat
women in this country.
332
00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:34,028
Don't you try and
blame this on him.
333
00:15:34,072 --> 00:15:36,497
- Thank you, Bernadette.
- Zip it, pervert!
334
00:15:39,791 --> 00:15:41,752
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
335
00:15:41,786 --> 00:15:43,903
I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks
336
00:15:43,936 --> 00:15:46,870
and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.
337
00:15:47,036 --> 00:15:49,370
I'm curious
what's bothering you most:
338
00:15:49,419 --> 00:15:52,593
The borderline incest,
the prostitute or group sex
339
00:15:52,624 --> 00:15:55,592
with the girl dressed as
the children's cartoon?
340
00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:58,595
Amy, remember when
we went over things
341
00:15:58,597 --> 00:16:00,630
that would be helpful
and things that wouldn't?
342
00:16:00,632 --> 00:16:02,265
Right.
343
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,551
- And that was...
- Not.
344
00:16:06,437 --> 00:16:09,022
When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me,
345
00:16:09,024 --> 00:16:11,424
just a sweet little guy who
lives with his mother.
346
00:16:11,426 --> 00:16:13,426
Well, if that's what
you like, I'll take you
347
00:16:13,428 --> 00:16:15,945
to the comic book store--
the place is full of 'em.
348
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:19,287
Wait a minute.
349
00:16:19,317 --> 00:16:21,434
You set me up with Howard.
350
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:22,822
Did you know about
351
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:24,575
all the creepy stuff
he was into?
352
00:16:24,773 --> 00:16:27,157
Well, a little.
You hear stuff...
353
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:31,131
Why didn't you tell me?
354
00:16:31,165 --> 00:16:32,688
Well, I was gonna,
but I didn't think
355
00:16:32,724 --> 00:16:34,374
it would go past
the first date.
356
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:36,127
Then, when it did,
I thought for sure
357
00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:37,811
it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.
358
00:16:38,086 --> 00:16:40,003
Definitely not past the
two of you sleeping together.
359
00:16:40,005 --> 00:16:44,724
I mean, the warning signs were
there-- this is really on you.
360
00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:45,542
God!
361
00:16:45,544 --> 00:16:47,343
I thought you were my friend.
362
00:16:53,151 --> 00:16:54,801
I don't think that was helpful.
363
00:16:57,571 --> 00:16:59,689
Hi, Bernie, it's me again.
364
00:16:59,691 --> 00:17:01,908
Please call me back.
365
00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:04,360
Dude, I am so sorry.
366
00:17:04,362 --> 00:17:06,646
It's not your fault, it's mine.
367
00:17:06,648 --> 00:17:09,032
I did all that stuff, not you.
368
00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:11,984
Actually, you did do
one of them together.
369
00:17:13,037 --> 00:17:14,820
Here.
370
00:17:14,822 --> 00:17:15,905
What is this?
371
00:17:15,907 --> 00:17:16,989
You're upset.
372
00:17:16,991 --> 00:17:17,957
The convention is to
373
00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:19,626
bring an upset person
a hot beverage.
374
00:17:19,628 --> 00:17:21,244
No, but what is it?
375
00:17:21,246 --> 00:17:22,178
Chicken broth.
376
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:24,631
It seemed culturally
appropriate.
377
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:27,589
Also, there was a single cube
of chicken bouillon
378
00:17:27,636 --> 00:17:29,219
in the cupboard when I moved in
379
00:17:29,221 --> 00:17:32,722
and it's been bothering me
for the last eight years...
380
00:17:32,724 --> 00:17:34,941
So, as they say, two birds.
381
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,062
I don't know what
my next move is.
382
00:17:39,064 --> 00:17:41,898
Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women...
383
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:44,184
- Yeah?
- No, uh, that, that's it.
384
00:17:44,186 --> 00:17:46,336
I don't know much about women.
385
00:17:47,738 --> 00:17:49,439
Raj, you got anything?
386
00:17:49,441 --> 00:17:52,692
I've got the phone number of
the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
387
00:17:54,695 --> 00:17:57,380
I'm not calling the
girl from Comic-con.
388
00:17:57,382 --> 00:17:58,631
All right.
389
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:01,084
More Sailor Moon for me.
390
00:18:03,053 --> 00:18:05,705
I just threw up
the bachelor party.
391
00:18:08,893 --> 00:18:10,476
Please come out, Bernadette.
392
00:18:10,478 --> 00:18:11,978
Let's talk through this.
393
00:18:11,980 --> 00:18:13,463
No, leave me alone.
394
00:18:13,465 --> 00:18:17,016
Perhaps you should give him
a taste of his own medicine.
395
00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:18,902
Do you have a cousin
who you find attractive?
396
00:18:18,904 --> 00:18:22,305
Amy.
397
00:18:22,307 --> 00:18:23,990
Hey, you introduced him
to the sleazebag.
398
00:18:23,992 --> 00:18:26,559
I'm just trying to
clean up your mess.
399
00:18:28,228 --> 00:18:29,679
Oh, hi.
400
00:18:29,681 --> 00:18:30,830
Hi.
401
00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,916
I need to talk to Bernadette.
402
00:18:32,918 --> 00:18:36,235
Well, I don't think she wants
to talk to anyone right now.
403
00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:40,590
All right, well, could you
at least give her a message?
404
00:18:40,592 --> 00:18:42,408
Yeah, sure, I guess.
405
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:46,212
Tell her I'm really sorry.
406
00:18:46,214 --> 00:18:51,551
And if she doesn't want
to marry me, I get it.
407
00:18:51,553 --> 00:18:53,970
But what I really
want her to know
408
00:18:53,972 --> 00:18:56,255
is the guy that
she's disgusted by,
409
00:18:56,257 --> 00:18:58,391
is the guy that
I'm disgusted by, too.
410
00:18:58,393 --> 00:19:01,444
But that guy doesn't
exist anymore; he's gone.
411
00:19:01,446 --> 00:19:06,532
And the reason is
because of her.
412
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:11,955
So, if this
relationship is over,
413
00:19:11,957 --> 00:19:16,075
let her know that
she made me a better man,
414
00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:20,546
and tell her thank you.
415
00:19:20,548 --> 00:19:24,350
Oh, my God, Howard.
416
00:19:24,352 --> 00:19:28,888
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
417
00:19:28,890 --> 00:19:33,059
And it came out of you.
418
00:19:34,044 --> 00:19:36,729
Howie?
419
00:19:36,731 --> 00:19:39,983
Penny has a message for you.
420
00:19:39,985 --> 00:19:41,901
I heard.
421
00:19:41,903 --> 00:19:45,388
Your voice, not unlike your
mother's, travels through walls.
422
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:47,857
Do you want me to go?
423
00:19:47,859 --> 00:19:49,442
No.
424
00:19:49,977 --> 00:19:51,310
Come here.
425
00:19:56,650 --> 00:19:58,451
I'm still really mad at you.
426
00:19:58,453 --> 00:20:00,319
I get that.
427
00:20:00,321 --> 00:20:02,955
Is there anything else about
your past I should know?
428
00:20:02,957 --> 00:20:05,792
Couple things, but, you know,
most of them happened overseas.
429
00:20:05,794 --> 00:20:07,960
I'll tell you later.
430
00:20:09,797 --> 00:20:11,114
Okay.
431
00:20:11,116 --> 00:20:13,466
So, is the wedding still on?
432
00:20:13,468 --> 00:20:16,803
Yeah, the wedding's still on.
433
00:20:18,339 --> 00:20:20,530
Oh, thank God.
434
00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:23,452
I'm still a maid of honor!
435
00:20:24,797 --> 00:20:27,349
Oh, what the hell.
436
00:20:28,736 --> 00:20:30,970
This is kind of hot.
437
00:20:37,523 --> 00:20:39,857
Hello.
438
00:20:40,093 --> 00:20:41,643
What's with the robe?
439
00:20:41,703 --> 00:20:43,898
I'm gonna have sex with you
right here,
440
00:20:43,923 --> 00:20:46,140
right now, on that
washing machine.
441
00:20:49,584 --> 00:20:51,435
No, you're not.
442
00:20:52,273 --> 00:20:54,499
Come on, please.
443
00:20:55,364 --> 00:20:56,814
If you want to do something,
444
00:20:56,847 --> 00:20:59,248
you can help me
fold this sheet.
445
00:21:00,645 --> 00:21:03,582
Folding a sheet in my underwear,
still pretty crazy.
446
00:21:05,174 --> 00:21:10,416
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther