1 00:00:00,030 --> 00:00:03,164 Greendale Community College is represented by two separate, 2 00:00:03,165 --> 00:00:05,283 yet equally important types of people: 3 00:00:05,284 --> 00:00:07,368 The goofballs that run around stirring up trouble, 4 00:00:07,369 --> 00:00:10,620 and the eggheads that make a big deal out of it. 5 00:00:10,621 --> 00:00:12,473 These are their stories. 6 00:00:12,474 --> 00:00:13,825 You'll be better off without her. 7 00:00:13,826 --> 00:00:16,578 She was perfect. Warm, smart, beautiful. 8 00:00:16,579 --> 00:00:20,048 I'm never gonna find another dental hygienist like that. 9 00:00:20,049 --> 00:00:21,149 Well, you should stop hitting on her. 10 00:00:21,150 --> 00:00:24,252 Hey, she's the one putting her hands in my mouth. 11 00:00:24,253 --> 00:00:25,253 Hey! 12 00:00:25,254 --> 00:00:27,233 Over here. 13 00:00:29,792 --> 00:00:31,960 Move along, nothing to see here. 14 00:00:31,961 --> 00:00:33,928 That's the first time those words have actually been true. 15 00:00:33,929 --> 00:00:35,847 Ms. Edison, when you called me down here at midnight, 16 00:00:35,848 --> 00:00:37,882 I expected more than a yam. 17 00:00:37,883 --> 00:00:39,517 Specifically since you said, "There's been a murder." 18 00:00:39,518 --> 00:00:40,768 Our yam was murdered. 19 00:00:40,769 --> 00:00:42,353 If it's any consolation, she got me here 20 00:00:42,354 --> 00:00:43,938 on a very misleading text message. 21 00:00:43,939 --> 00:00:45,306 Jeff, technically, you are about to be screwed 22 00:00:45,307 --> 00:00:46,774 in the biology room because our final project 23 00:00:46,775 --> 00:00:47,942 has been destroyed. 24 00:00:47,943 --> 00:00:49,727 All right, look, I'm sorry for your loss. 25 00:00:49,728 --> 00:00:52,530 I know you guys put the work in, so you'll get a passing grade. 26 00:00:52,531 --> 00:00:53,781 A passing grade? 27 00:00:53,782 --> 00:00:55,199 Like a "C"? 28 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,485 Why don't I just get pregnant at a bus station? 29 00:00:57,486 --> 00:00:59,603 That was going to be an A-plus yam. 30 00:00:59,604 --> 00:01:01,272 I can't give an A-plus to everyone 31 00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:02,940 whose yam falls of a counter. 32 00:01:02,941 --> 00:01:04,792 Somebody did this to us. 33 00:01:04,793 --> 00:01:07,045 In science, we call that a hypothesis. 34 00:01:07,046 --> 00:01:09,414 You find something to back it up and we can talk. 35 00:01:09,415 --> 00:01:13,635 Now if you'll excuse me, I was watching Mama's Family. 36 00:01:13,636 --> 00:01:14,836 What happened? 37 00:01:14,837 --> 00:01:16,137 Our yam was killed. 38 00:01:16,138 --> 00:01:17,455 But Professor Kane says we can still get an "A" 39 00:01:17,456 --> 00:01:19,340 - if we figure out who did it. - He did not say that. 40 00:01:19,341 --> 00:01:20,425 He basically did. 41 00:01:20,426 --> 00:01:21,676 You let me handle the nitty gritty. 44 00:01:24,930 --> 00:01:26,898 I watch crime shows when I'm bored. 45 00:01:26,899 --> 00:01:28,933 You boys, canvas for witnesses, establish a time frame 46 00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:30,485 and motive and bring me a suspect. 47 00:01:30,486 --> 00:01:32,320 You've got 48 hours before the trail runs cold, 48 00:01:32,321 --> 00:01:33,938 so start with the last person to see that yam alive. 49 00:01:33,939 --> 00:01:36,474 - Yes, ma'am. - Understood. 50 00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:38,142 It's been a long 15 years. 51 00:01:38,143 --> 00:01:40,662 Looks like it's gonna be a late night. 52 00:01:40,663 --> 00:01:41,996 How'd we manage to pull the short straw? 53 00:01:41,997 --> 00:01:43,614 It's not a short straw. 54 00:01:43,615 --> 00:01:45,667 It's a hot potato. 55 00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:49,754 Yeah, well, looks pretty cold to me. 56 00:01:49,755 --> 00:01:53,324 Cold? Or dead? 57 00:01:53,325 --> 00:01:56,010 - Survey says... - We can't both do the zinger. 58 00:01:56,011 --> 00:01:57,495 Sorry. 59 00:01:57,496 --> 00:02:00,498 [Parody Law & Order theme music] 60 00:02:00,499 --> 00:02:02,099 ♪ ♪ 61 00:02:26,805 --> 00:02:29,828 Sync & Corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com 62 00:02:34,149 --> 00:02:38,219 Okay, okay, five-to-one on the black guy. 63 00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,220 That's offensive. 64 00:02:39,221 --> 00:02:40,221 Fine, six-to-one. 65 00:02:40,222 --> 00:02:41,222 Hello, boys. 66 00:02:41,223 --> 00:02:44,542 Youth! Scatter! 67 00:02:44,543 --> 00:02:47,645 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Pierce. 68 00:02:47,646 --> 00:02:49,713 Mind if we ask you a couple of questions? 69 00:02:49,714 --> 00:02:51,649 Sure, I always say you guys should ask me more questions. 70 00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:53,317 Did you water our biology yam last night? 71 00:02:53,318 --> 00:02:54,485 Of course I watered it. 72 00:02:54,486 --> 00:02:55,719 It was my turn, wasn't it? 73 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,021 I hold up my end. 74 00:02:57,022 --> 00:02:59,857 Did you hold it or drop it? 75 00:02:59,858 --> 00:03:02,026 Okay, whoa, I had nothing to do with that. 76 00:03:02,027 --> 00:03:03,828 I-I couldn't even get in the room. 77 00:03:03,829 --> 00:03:05,079 Make up your mind, Pierce. 78 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,080 Did you water the yam or weren't you there? 79 00:03:06,081 --> 00:03:09,700 Okay, I lied about watering it. 80 00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:11,202 I got there too late, the doors were already locked. 81 00:03:11,203 --> 00:03:12,903 Why were you late? 82 00:03:12,904 --> 00:03:15,406 I... fell asleep in a sunbeam. 83 00:03:15,407 --> 00:03:16,907 - Likely story. - Actually it is. 84 00:03:16,908 --> 00:03:18,376 I used to live with him, it's kind of adorable. 85 00:03:18,377 --> 00:03:20,094 Look, why are you looking at me for this? 86 00:03:20,095 --> 00:03:22,013 It was my yam too. 87 00:03:22,014 --> 00:03:23,131 You should be talking to somebody 88 00:03:23,132 --> 00:03:24,132 who would wanna hurt us. 89 00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:25,933 - And who's that? - Duh-doy! 90 00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:27,111 Todd. 91 00:03:28,887 --> 00:03:31,305 Last night, I was home by 9:15, 92 00:03:31,306 --> 00:03:33,891 helped Elly with her geography and then went straight to bed. 93 00:03:33,892 --> 00:03:35,777 Sounds like you keep a pretty tight schedule. 94 00:03:35,778 --> 00:03:38,279 A valuable side effect of military service. 95 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,866 In Iraq, keeping a tight schedule saved lives. 96 00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:43,367 Ah, what happened, Todd? 97 00:03:43,368 --> 00:03:45,486 Cut yourself on an extra sharp Oscar Wilde play? 98 00:03:45,487 --> 00:03:46,621 Oh, this? It's a burn. 99 00:03:46,622 --> 00:03:48,289 Home ec class. Muffin. 100 00:03:48,290 --> 00:03:49,323 What kind of muffin? 101 00:03:49,324 --> 00:03:50,608 - Blueberry. - Why not raisin? 102 00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:52,243 That wasn't the assignment. 103 00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,544 You can dance all day, Todd, 104 00:03:53,545 --> 00:03:54,962 but sooner or later, the music's gonna change. 105 00:03:54,963 --> 00:03:58,716 Look, even if I wanted to hurt your yam, I couldn't. 106 00:03:58,717 --> 00:04:01,452 I went by the bio room at 8:10 to chart my yam's growth. 107 00:04:01,453 --> 00:04:02,786 The door was already locked. 108 00:04:02,787 --> 00:04:03,971 There's a lot of that going around. 109 00:04:03,972 --> 00:04:05,556 - Oh, yeah. - It's true. 110 00:04:05,557 --> 00:04:07,925 I had to take a picture of my yam through the door. 111 00:04:07,926 --> 00:04:08,976 See? 112 00:04:08,977 --> 00:04:11,846 Your yam was fine when I left. 113 00:04:13,882 --> 00:04:15,650 I transferred or "downloaded" 114 00:04:15,651 --> 00:04:17,468 Todd's photograph to this computer 115 00:04:17,469 --> 00:04:19,987 and as you'll see, with a few adjustments, I can make 116 00:04:19,988 --> 00:04:22,824 the entire image... [Computer beeps] 117 00:04:22,825 --> 00:04:26,244 old west color. 118 00:04:26,245 --> 00:04:27,695 I don't know. I thought it was cool. 119 00:04:27,696 --> 00:04:29,163 Britta, zoom in there. 120 00:04:29,164 --> 00:04:30,915 There's a clock on the wall. 121 00:04:30,916 --> 00:04:33,284 - Eight plus two times five... - Ten after 8:00. 122 00:04:33,285 --> 00:04:34,818 I'm gifted in other ways. 123 00:04:34,819 --> 00:04:36,454 That jibes with everyone else we talked to. 124 00:04:36,455 --> 00:04:38,289 It seems like the classroom door gets locked at 8:00. 125 00:04:38,290 --> 00:04:39,624 Which means whoever did the crime... 126 00:04:39,625 --> 00:04:41,175 Got in there before the doors were locked 127 00:04:41,176 --> 00:04:42,844 and stayed there for hours. 128 00:04:42,845 --> 00:04:44,178 I was gonna say, "Had a key". 129 00:04:44,179 --> 00:04:45,680 Last year, I came in after hours a couple of times 130 00:04:45,681 --> 00:04:48,165 to finish a piñata for advanced Spanish. 131 00:04:48,166 --> 00:04:50,234 I had to borrow a key from the front office. 132 00:04:50,235 --> 00:04:51,886 And sign a log. 133 00:04:51,887 --> 00:04:52,970 I can also help. 134 00:04:52,971 --> 00:04:54,555 As a psych major, I could pr... 135 00:04:56,658 --> 00:04:58,276 Any student can check out a key as long as they're 136 00:04:58,277 --> 00:05:00,611 currently taking classes and show school I.D. 137 00:05:00,612 --> 00:05:01,729 The guy we're looking for had a key 138 00:05:01,730 --> 00:05:02,947 to the bio room Monday night. 139 00:05:02,948 --> 00:05:05,182 Monday night? Rings a bell. 140 00:05:05,183 --> 00:05:07,068 I'll check the log. 141 00:05:07,069 --> 00:05:09,520 Sorry, this place is a mess. 142 00:05:09,521 --> 00:05:11,122 Is this about your yam? 143 00:05:11,123 --> 00:05:13,524 I heard about that. It's a damn shame. 144 00:05:13,525 --> 00:05:17,411 - Mine just bloomed yesterday. - Congratulations. 145 00:05:17,412 --> 00:05:21,832 Ooh, there she is. 146 00:05:21,833 --> 00:05:27,305 Monday night, one biology room key checked out by... 147 00:05:27,306 --> 00:05:29,307 Magnitude. 148 00:05:31,276 --> 00:05:32,593 So you're saying you did check out a key, 149 00:05:32,594 --> 00:05:34,428 but it was inside your backpack when someone stole it 150 00:05:34,429 --> 00:05:36,647 off a table in the library while you were using the bathroom 151 00:05:36,648 --> 00:05:38,015 and you haven't seen it since. 152 00:05:38,016 --> 00:05:41,552 Pop pop! 153 00:05:41,553 --> 00:05:43,721 Perfect, so now we gotta solve a robbery too. 154 00:05:43,722 --> 00:05:45,323 Well, whoever did it likes to steal backpacks 155 00:05:45,324 --> 00:05:46,524 off tables in the library. 156 00:05:46,525 --> 00:05:49,327 Only one way to catch a dirtbag like that. 157 00:05:54,116 --> 00:05:57,118 Well, time to visit the restroom. 158 00:06:07,245 --> 00:06:09,847 [Whistles] 159 00:06:18,590 --> 00:06:20,924 I found that backpack. 160 00:06:20,925 --> 00:06:23,927 Hey, idiot, guess what. 161 00:06:23,928 --> 00:06:26,564 We don't care about the backpack. 162 00:06:26,565 --> 00:06:29,533 Dead yam, big deal. 163 00:06:29,534 --> 00:06:30,934 Order some ketchup. 164 00:06:30,935 --> 00:06:32,620 That doesn't make sense. You don't order ketchup. 165 00:06:32,621 --> 00:06:33,621 It's a condiment! 166 00:06:33,622 --> 00:06:35,105 Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off! 167 00:06:35,106 --> 00:06:36,991 Troy, walk it off! 168 00:06:36,992 --> 00:06:38,159 Sorry, my friend, he's a bad cop. 169 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,410 - Yeah. - I'm a good cop. 170 00:06:39,411 --> 00:06:40,628 - Oh, good. - You can trust me. 171 00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:42,630 Okay, well... hey! 172 00:06:42,631 --> 00:06:44,165 I'm not falling for that. 173 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:46,133 And you got nothing on me. 174 00:06:46,134 --> 00:06:48,419 And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops. 175 00:06:48,420 --> 00:06:50,421 [Knock at door] 176 00:06:53,308 --> 00:06:54,976 He's right. You're not cops. 177 00:06:54,977 --> 00:06:57,228 I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands. 178 00:06:57,229 --> 00:06:58,429 But he's our man though, right? 179 00:06:58,430 --> 00:07:00,398 Well he ain't innocent. 180 00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:02,183 Look, I'll try to keep him busy. 181 00:07:02,184 --> 00:07:04,602 You guys go to the lab, see if they figured out 182 00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:06,187 how our yam met its masher. 183 00:07:06,188 --> 00:07:08,856 I can both see and hear you. 184 00:07:10,892 --> 00:07:13,644 The yam's vascular cylinder is completely disintegrated. 185 00:07:13,645 --> 00:07:15,279 Any possibility it happened naturally? 186 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,331 Sure, if the gardener's Joseph Mengele. 187 00:07:17,332 --> 00:07:18,416 Look at the root system. 188 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,334 This level of smushing is consistent 189 00:07:20,335 --> 00:07:22,986 with someone stepping on the yam after it was dropped. 190 00:07:22,987 --> 00:07:24,655 So whoever did this was angry. 191 00:07:24,656 --> 00:07:25,823 Hey, I just cut 'em open. 192 00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:27,491 You want motive, talk to a shrink. 193 00:07:27,492 --> 00:07:31,212 What I can tell you is that for a raw yam to get it this bad, 194 00:07:31,213 --> 00:07:33,163 you need more than gravity. 195 00:07:33,164 --> 00:07:34,465 You need a boot. 196 00:07:34,466 --> 00:07:37,935 [Gags] 197 00:07:37,936 --> 00:07:39,336 We have to tell Professor Kane. 198 00:07:39,337 --> 00:07:40,688 There's nothing here to connect to Star-Burns. 199 00:07:40,689 --> 00:07:41,689 He'd have to confess. 200 00:07:41,690 --> 00:07:42,690 Oh, yeah, sure. 201 00:07:42,691 --> 00:07:43,808 Maybe if we ask him nice, 202 00:07:43,809 --> 00:07:45,109 he'll write us a love letter too. 203 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:48,846 Well, whoever did do this does owe you guys a letter. 204 00:07:48,847 --> 00:07:50,848 An "A." 205 00:07:52,784 --> 00:07:56,520 This yam was about to bloom. 206 00:07:56,521 --> 00:07:57,872 Damn. 207 00:07:57,873 --> 00:08:01,492 We named the yam "Pam." 208 00:08:01,493 --> 00:08:02,493 It rhymed. 209 00:08:04,624 --> 00:08:05,711 Even if we could prove 210 00:08:05,712 --> 00:08:07,212 that Star-Burns stole Magnitude's key, 211 00:08:07,213 --> 00:08:08,213 it's not enough. 212 00:08:08,214 --> 00:08:09,214 But we know Star-Burns did it. 213 00:08:09,215 --> 00:08:11,550 Keep the change, Garret. 214 00:08:11,551 --> 00:08:13,117 You know what? Keep the hot dog. 215 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,136 You're telling me after all this, 216 00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:15,387 our suspect's gonna slip away 217 00:08:15,388 --> 00:08:16,721 on the technicality that we're not police? 218 00:08:16,722 --> 00:08:18,039 Okay, look, you don't need authority 219 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,274 to get a confession. 220 00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:21,209 You need leverage. Something to hold over his head. 221 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:22,644 - Like what? - He's Star-Burns. 222 00:08:22,645 --> 00:08:23,728 Break into his locker. 223 00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:25,013 You'll find enough dirt to bury him. 224 00:08:25,014 --> 00:08:26,765 Jeff, that's not ethical. 225 00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:29,801 Oh, so now you're finding your softness? 226 00:08:29,802 --> 00:08:30,936 I say do what you have to do. 227 00:08:30,937 --> 00:08:32,303 It's too late to get compassionate. 228 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,106 We only have time to get justice. 229 00:08:35,107 --> 00:08:36,775 I really shouldn't be doing this. 230 00:08:36,776 --> 00:08:38,827 And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here? 231 00:08:38,828 --> 00:08:41,363 Not anymore, so hurry up. 232 00:08:41,364 --> 00:08:42,414 [Glass shatters] 233 00:08:42,415 --> 00:08:44,416 Whoa, Nelly! 234 00:08:48,504 --> 00:08:51,506 Clean up on aisle "busted." 235 00:08:54,594 --> 00:08:56,127 Why do they always r... 236 00:08:56,128 --> 00:08:57,128 Why do they always... 237 00:08:57,129 --> 00:08:58,463 - You go ahead. - Why do they always run? 238 00:08:58,464 --> 00:09:01,666 There you go. 239 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:02,684 Move! 240 00:09:02,685 --> 00:09:04,519 Not police business! 241 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,006 Hey, knock much? 242 00:09:08,007 --> 00:09:09,007 - Kiss me! - What? 243 00:09:09,008 --> 00:09:10,008 I'll explain later. 244 00:09:10,009 --> 00:09:11,175 - No. - I'll explain later. 245 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,861 The explanation isn't the issue. 246 00:09:12,862 --> 00:09:14,512 Aah! 247 00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:16,147 Oh, all right, all right. 248 00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:19,317 Look, I-I swiped some beakers for the meth lab 249 00:09:19,318 --> 00:09:21,319 that I'm building in the trunk of my car. 250 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,704 But that's it. 251 00:09:22,705 --> 00:09:24,289 I didn't kill any yam. 252 00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:25,707 Tell it to the biology Professor. 253 00:09:25,708 --> 00:09:26,908 Oh, now wait! 254 00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:28,243 I know who did it. 255 00:09:28,244 --> 00:09:30,361 I left the door open and someone came in. 256 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,047 He dropped your yam. 257 00:09:32,048 --> 00:09:33,865 Will you tell our teacher who it was? 258 00:09:33,866 --> 00:09:35,333 If you promise I won't get in trouble 259 00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:36,885 for stealing that meth lab stuff. 260 00:09:36,886 --> 00:09:38,369 - Sure, whatever. - Fine. 261 00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,371 Pinky swear? 262 00:09:42,642 --> 00:09:44,709 It was the guy with the weird head. 263 00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:45,727 The army guy. 264 00:09:45,728 --> 00:09:47,062 I heard the jar break and then 265 00:09:47,063 --> 00:09:49,731 I saw him running out of the room holding his hand. 266 00:09:49,732 --> 00:09:54,736 Looked like he cut himself. 267 00:09:54,737 --> 00:09:56,938 Well, well, well. 268 00:09:56,939 --> 00:09:57,989 Look at this, Abed. 269 00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,058 He weaves baskets and lies. 270 00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:01,059 What's this about? 271 00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:03,061 It's about the killing of our biology yam. 272 00:10:03,062 --> 00:10:04,246 Will you please come with us? 273 00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:05,697 But I'm in the middle of making a handle. 274 00:10:05,698 --> 00:10:07,899 He wants it the hard way. Tell him what Shirley said. 275 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,068 Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want. 276 00:10:10,069 --> 00:10:12,570 Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, 277 00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,039 but we'd really like it if you came with us. 278 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,141 Please and thank you. 279 00:10:16,142 --> 00:10:17,225 [Heavy thuds] 280 00:10:17,226 --> 00:10:18,226 Make it quick, folks. 281 00:10:18,227 --> 00:10:20,912 I have a class in five minutes and none of you guys are in it. 282 00:10:20,913 --> 00:10:23,081 After conducting a full investigation, 283 00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:26,184 my study group now has definitive proof that Todd, 284 00:10:26,185 --> 00:10:28,803 with malice of forethought, smashed our yam. 285 00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:31,189 That's a serious allegation. I hope you can back it up. 286 00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:32,924 We can place him in the building Monday night. 287 00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:35,560 He has a mysterious bandage on his hand, 288 00:10:35,561 --> 00:10:37,762 and we have and eyewitness who saw Todd drop the jar and flee. 289 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,263 Well, Todd, what do you have to say? 290 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:42,484 - I just wanna... - Don't answer that, soldier! 291 00:10:42,485 --> 00:10:45,036 - This man is an American hero. - And who are you? 292 00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:47,739 I'm Lieutenant Colonel Archwood, United States Army. 293 00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:50,274 I had the pleasure of commanding this young man in Iraq. 294 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,660 I'm staying on his couch this weekend 295 00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:53,161 while I'm in town for a wedding. 296 00:10:53,162 --> 00:10:56,247 I am a licensed attorney, a veteran of two wars, 297 00:10:56,248 --> 00:11:00,468 and I'd like to know why in hell he's being harassed. 298 00:11:00,469 --> 00:11:02,787 Mr. Winger, what is the intention here? 299 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:06,257 Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an "A" from us. 300 00:11:06,258 --> 00:11:07,392 We want it back. 301 00:11:07,393 --> 00:11:09,344 You mean if he smashed the yam. 302 00:11:09,345 --> 00:11:11,646 All you have is the word of this Mr. Star-Burns, 303 00:11:11,647 --> 00:11:14,432 who offers up no explanation as to why he was at the scene. 304 00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:15,633 How about it, Jeffrey? 305 00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,802 What was Star-Burns doing there? 306 00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,187 We agreed to withhold that information 307 00:11:19,188 --> 00:11:21,639 as part of a pinky swear with the witness. 308 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,991 A pinky swear? 309 00:11:22,992 --> 00:11:25,694 This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. 310 00:11:25,695 --> 00:11:27,979 Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate 311 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,531 over the word of a decorated soldier? 312 00:11:29,532 --> 00:11:32,167 I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform. 313 00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:33,702 - Shocker. - Jeffrey. 314 00:11:33,703 --> 00:11:36,671 Tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, 315 00:11:36,672 --> 00:11:38,823 or your group can take an "F." 316 00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,491 Hold up, hold up, hold up. 317 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:42,127 I grade my students. 318 00:11:42,128 --> 00:11:44,462 Now, what Star-Face was doing there is irrelevant. 319 00:11:44,463 --> 00:11:46,297 What matters is what he saw. 320 00:11:46,298 --> 00:11:47,799 I'm upholding the pinky swear. 321 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,000 What? 322 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:51,269 Yo, man, you spent your life in the army. 323 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:52,887 I spent mine in prison. 324 00:11:52,888 --> 00:11:56,274 Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. 325 00:11:56,275 --> 00:11:58,443 Now out here, it's supposed to be different. 326 00:11:58,444 --> 00:12:00,862 And in my class, it will be. 327 00:12:00,863 --> 00:12:02,447 You two can plead your case to the class 328 00:12:02,448 --> 00:12:05,784 and let them decide your grades. 329 00:12:05,785 --> 00:12:08,570 Professor... Thank you. 330 00:12:08,571 --> 00:12:10,955 It's not a favor, Mr. Winger. 331 00:12:10,956 --> 00:12:12,240 A man's gotta have a code. 332 00:12:12,241 --> 00:12:14,025 Awesome. 333 00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:16,411 See you in class. 334 00:12:18,964 --> 00:12:20,832 [Exhales] 335 00:12:20,833 --> 00:12:22,250 - Uniform. - Oh! 336 00:12:22,251 --> 00:12:23,251 Jeez. 337 00:12:23,252 --> 00:12:25,253 Yeah. 338 00:12:25,254 --> 00:12:26,588 Shirley did some more digging. 339 00:12:26,589 --> 00:12:28,740 Turns out Todd's yam never even sprouted. 340 00:12:28,741 --> 00:12:30,058 Goes to motive. 341 00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:32,927 And Star-Burns puts Todd in the classroom at 8:10. 342 00:12:32,928 --> 00:12:33,928 Opportunity. 343 00:12:33,929 --> 00:12:35,230 Add to that a cut on the hand 344 00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:38,099 and the Winger charm, we might get an A-plus-plus. 345 00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,350 We still have a lot of work to do. 346 00:12:39,351 --> 00:12:40,935 Oh, I think you've done enough. 347 00:12:40,936 --> 00:12:42,720 Colonel Archwood got to Star-Burns. 348 00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,222 Threatened to involve the real cops. 349 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:46,891 Now Star-Burns is in the wind. 350 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,493 He's our only witness. 351 00:12:48,494 --> 00:12:49,494 That what you guys do in here? 352 00:12:49,495 --> 00:12:50,495 You push your little papers 353 00:12:50,496 --> 00:12:51,830 and you make your little speeches, 354 00:12:51,831 --> 00:12:53,564 and in the end another dirtbag walks? 355 00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:55,867 Huh? Huh?! 356 00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:58,002 Abed! Abed! 357 00:12:58,003 --> 00:12:59,904 Abed! Walk it off! [Screams] 358 00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:02,507 Walk it off! 359 00:13:02,508 --> 00:13:04,292 I'm sorry about my partner. 360 00:13:04,293 --> 00:13:09,914 He... he's been on edge ever since we switched. 361 00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:12,100 [Snaps fingers] You. 362 00:13:12,101 --> 00:13:14,418 Annie, that class already hates us. 363 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,521 If we go in there without a case, they'll fail us. 364 00:13:16,522 --> 00:13:18,189 We have proof our yam was murdered 365 00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:19,941 and now you find your softness? 366 00:13:19,942 --> 00:13:22,093 It's eat or be eaten when that's convenient, 367 00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:24,446 but when the going gets tough, Winger gets nervous, huh? 368 00:13:24,447 --> 00:13:26,114 We have no case, Annie. 369 00:13:26,115 --> 00:13:27,949 It's too late to get one, Jeff. 370 00:13:27,950 --> 00:13:30,682 We only have time to get justice. 371 00:13:34,166 --> 00:13:36,265 Tell us what happened next, Todd. 372 00:13:36,266 --> 00:13:38,568 I disarmed the I.E.D. 373 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:40,820 and returned the child to his mother. 374 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,990 She offered to give me her only possession... a wooden chair... 375 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,208 but I refused. 376 00:13:45,209 --> 00:13:48,277 I was only doing my duty and we had 377 00:13:48,278 --> 00:13:49,996 plenty of chairs at the base. 378 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:52,164 And for your valor, you were awarded a bronze star. 379 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,717 In fact, you have an absolutely glowing service record. 380 00:13:54,718 --> 00:13:56,586 - Don't you, private? - I do my best. 381 00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,921 You do more than that, soldier. 382 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,224 Certainly more than this witness 383 00:14:01,225 --> 00:14:02,791 who supposedly saw you kill the yam. 384 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,177 A man who for all we know 385 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,430 is a holocaust-denying, 9/11 pedophile. 386 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,982 - Objection. - Withdrawn. 387 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,267 One last question. 388 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,102 Did you intentionally break into 389 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:15,571 the biology room with the express purpose 390 00:14:15,572 --> 00:14:17,973 of killing the study group's yam? 391 00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:20,243 - No, sir, I did not. - Thank you, soldier. 392 00:14:20,244 --> 00:14:24,030 And God bless your testimony. 393 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,032 Your witness. 394 00:14:28,585 --> 00:14:32,421 Tell me, Todd, do you consider yourself a hero? 395 00:14:32,422 --> 00:14:33,456 Oh, no. 396 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:34,507 Of course not. 397 00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:36,742 A hero doesn't call himself a hero. 398 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,128 A hero gets called a hero because of what he does. 399 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,379 And with your impressive record, 400 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,797 not even I could deny you the title. 401 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,133 Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something. 402 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,718 Objection, that's not a real objection. 403 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,520 Objection, I hate the both of you. 404 00:14:47,521 --> 00:14:49,956 You may proceed, Ms. Edison, but do so with caution. 405 00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:52,441 Need I remind you this is not a courtroom? 406 00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:54,143 I spent the majority of last night 407 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,561 going over your records with Mr. Winger, 408 00:14:55,562 --> 00:15:00,032 scouring them for the slightest mistake, the tiniest slip up. 409 00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,452 And I gotta tell you, Todd. Couldn't find a thing. 410 00:15:03,453 --> 00:15:06,405 Not one little smudge. 411 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:11,193 Except, of course, for one pesky yam that just wouldn't grow. 412 00:15:11,194 --> 00:15:13,079 That had to weigh on your soul, didn't it, Todd? 413 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,197 - Maybe a little. - A little? 414 00:15:15,198 --> 00:15:18,968 A big orange splotch on your perfect record? 415 00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:21,337 I bet that pissed you right off, didn't it? 416 00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:22,922 Is that why you hit your wife? 417 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,390 Withdrawn. 418 00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:25,841 Is that why you drink and pop pills? 419 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:26,842 Withdrawn. 420 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,427 Are you a virgin? Withdrawn. 421 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,726 Did you... 422 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:34,900 kill our yam to settle the score, huh? 423 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:37,886 Did stomping on its roots make you feel like a big man? 424 00:15:37,887 --> 00:15:39,071 No, it didn't. 425 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,556 I mean, I didn't... 426 00:15:40,557 --> 00:15:42,224 Todd, zip it. 427 00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,777 No, you zip it, Uncle Knobby. 428 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,696 I'm not fighting your wars anymore. 429 00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:48,030 Listen to me, Todd. 430 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:51,367 I know how scary a failing grade can be, 431 00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,236 but this one dead yam won't tarnish your record. 432 00:15:54,237 --> 00:15:58,574 What will tarnish it is lying to your class, 433 00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:00,292 to your teacher, and to me. 434 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,078 The American citizen you've sworn to protect. 435 00:16:03,079 --> 00:16:05,748 Come on, Todd. 436 00:16:05,749 --> 00:16:07,800 Stop disappointing me. 437 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,587 Defuse the I.E.D. of dishonesty. 438 00:16:14,018 --> 00:16:15,307 It was an accident. 439 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,359 [All gasp] 440 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,060 I just wanted to look at your yam, 441 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:21,697 but when I picked up the jar, it burnt me and I dropped it. 442 00:16:21,698 --> 00:16:23,649 Booyah! 443 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,736 [Laughs] That's how it's done! 444 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,239 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ 445 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,125 - Todd... - Woo-hoo! 446 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,377 I'm telling your mother. 447 00:16:34,378 --> 00:16:35,461 That's right. 448 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,781 Always have an exit strategy. 449 00:16:38,782 --> 00:16:41,050 [Cries] 450 00:16:41,051 --> 00:16:43,452 [Bangs tape dispenser] I think I've heard enough. 451 00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:46,455 Professor Kane, may we have a sidebar in your office? 452 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,627 I want a mistrial. 453 00:16:51,628 --> 00:16:53,429 Just give us a "C," give Todd a "C." 454 00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,130 - Excuse me? - What? 455 00:16:55,131 --> 00:16:58,067 Can we take a sidebar in this sidebar? 456 00:16:58,068 --> 00:17:00,352 Jeff, we're about to get our "A." 457 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,971 - Todd didn't do it. - Um, he just confessed, dummy. 458 00:17:02,972 --> 00:17:04,940 He said the jar burned him? 459 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,075 It doesn't make any sense. 460 00:17:06,076 --> 00:17:07,743 People don't half-confess to crimes. 461 00:17:07,744 --> 00:17:10,813 Look, when we started this, you were after the truth. 462 00:17:10,814 --> 00:17:14,316 And then I convinced you it was more important to win. 463 00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:16,252 Don't be like me. 464 00:17:16,253 --> 00:17:18,153 A man's got to have a code. 465 00:17:18,154 --> 00:17:21,507 I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. 466 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,592 - A "codette" or something. - But... 467 00:17:23,593 --> 00:17:25,211 It's not worth getting an "A" 468 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:28,214 if an innocent man might get an "F." 469 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,268 Okay, I heard all of that and I accept. 470 00:17:32,269 --> 00:17:34,053 [Bangs tape dispenser] 471 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,138 All right. 472 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:39,859 After speaking to the wronged parties, I've decided to... 473 00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:42,394 Uh, if it pleases the bio class, 474 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,896 I have closing arguments. 475 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,315 Of course you do. 476 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:51,954 Why was it so hard for all of us to grow a yam? 477 00:17:51,955 --> 00:17:56,242 It's just a stupid yam in a stupid jar. 478 00:17:56,243 --> 00:18:00,696 We're all fully-grown adults failing a kindergarten project. 479 00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:02,531 - Can I object? - I'll allow it. 480 00:18:02,532 --> 00:18:03,549 Sustained. 481 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,535 And all this time we assumed our yam was targeted, 482 00:18:06,536 --> 00:18:09,755 that someone had stomped its roots maliciously. 483 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,708 But what if... what if our yam's roots 484 00:18:12,709 --> 00:18:15,544 were dead before they hit the ground? 485 00:18:15,545 --> 00:18:17,263 [Splat] 486 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,597 - Hey, that's mine! - Look at it. 487 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:19,932 Everyone look. 488 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,601 Smushed without being stepped on. 489 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,819 [Splat] 490 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:25,321 Because it didn't have to be stepped on. 491 00:18:25,322 --> 00:18:28,023 Because it was boiled. [Splat] 492 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:32,611 Someone has been pouring boiling water into our jars at night. 493 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,564 No one noticed because the water cooled off by morning. 494 00:18:35,565 --> 00:18:39,285 Boiling water is the icicle stabbing of yam killing. 495 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,203 [Solid thud] 496 00:18:41,204 --> 00:18:42,621 [All gasp] Ooh, but that didn't... 497 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,623 Hmm. 498 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,909 This yam isn't boiled. 499 00:18:46,910 --> 00:18:48,043 Vicki? 500 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,296 I don't... I didn't do it, I swear! 501 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,297 I boiled the yams. [All gasp] 502 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,182 Vicki's yam never sprouted 503 00:18:53,183 --> 00:18:55,217 and I didn't want her to fail, so I threw off the grading curve 504 00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:56,635 so she wouldn't have to go to summer school 505 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,755 and we can finally have sex in my parents' cabin. 506 00:18:59,756 --> 00:19:01,056 God forgive me, I did it for love! 507 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:04,927 - [Cries] - Holy crap. 508 00:19:04,928 --> 00:19:08,230 We are definitely dissecting pine cones next year. 509 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,600 Neil has agreed to retake biology over the summer 510 00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:14,269 and his status as keymaster has been revoked. 511 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:16,939 After all the politics and procedure, in the end, 512 00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:19,074 the case really was about biology. 513 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,377 Told you it was an important subject. 514 00:19:21,378 --> 00:19:23,712 [Phone rings] 515 00:19:23,713 --> 00:19:25,714 Hello? 516 00:19:30,554 --> 00:19:35,474 I understand. 517 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,426 Star-Burns got rear-ended 518 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:41,146 and the meth lab in his trunk exploded. 519 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:43,148 He's dead. 520 00:19:57,038 --> 00:19:59,689 - Abed? - Yeah? 521 00:19:59,690 --> 00:20:01,641 Why don't we have bunk bed conversations? 522 00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:03,309 I don't know. 523 00:20:03,310 --> 00:20:05,411 We're best friends, we share a bunk bed. 524 00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,113 Seems like we should be having them all the time. 525 00:20:07,114 --> 00:20:08,414 You start. 526 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:11,634 Okay. Why do you think they call them "bunk beds"? 527 00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:13,403 Where's the word "bunk" come from? 528 00:20:13,404 --> 00:20:14,437 I don't know. 529 00:20:14,438 --> 00:20:16,738 I think it comes from the word "bunker." 530 00:20:16,739 --> 00:20:20,176 So when is your apartment done being fumigated? 531 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,611 Oh, it was done about a week ago. 532 00:20:21,612 --> 00:20:22,996 Then why are you still here? 533 00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:26,349 - I brought you some warm milk. - Oh. 534 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:27,798 There you go. 535 00:20:27,799 --> 00:20:31,654 ♪ Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland ♪ 536 00:20:31,655 --> 00:20:35,725 ♪ catching the train to Sleepytown ♪ 537 00:20:35,726 --> 00:20:36,759 ♪ and when they wake up ♪ 538 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,661 ♪ the Dean'll be here ♪ 539 00:20:38,662 --> 00:20:41,297 ♪ staring at you ♪ 540 00:20:41,298 --> 00:20:43,116 Sweet deans. [Giggles] 541 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,902 That's nice... I guess.