1 00:00:01,086 --> 00:00:04,220 Greendale Community College is represented by two separate, 2 00:00:04,222 --> 00:00:06,340 yet equally important types of people: 3 00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:08,789 The goofballs that run around stirring up trouble, 4 00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:11,578 and the eggheads that make a big deal out of it. 5 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,530 These are their stories. 6 00:00:13,531 --> 00:00:14,734 You'll be better off without her. 7 00:00:14,758 --> 00:00:17,510 She was perfect. Warm, smart, beautiful. 8 00:00:17,541 --> 00:00:20,597 I'm never gonna find another dental hygienist like that. 9 00:00:20,738 --> 00:00:21,965 Well, you should stop hitting on her. 10 00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:25,105 Hey, she's the one putting her hands in my mouth. 11 00:00:25,310 --> 00:00:26,310 Hey! 12 00:00:26,311 --> 00:00:28,290 Over here. 13 00:00:30,849 --> 00:00:33,017 Move along, nothing to see here. 14 00:00:33,018 --> 00:00:34,985 That's the first time those words have actually been true. 15 00:00:34,986 --> 00:00:36,780 Ms. Edison, when you called me down here at midnight, 16 00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,496 I expected more than a yam. 17 00:00:38,541 --> 00:00:40,362 Specifically since you said, "There's been a murder." 18 00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:41,586 Our yam was murdered. 19 00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,293 If it's any consolation, she got me here 20 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:44,917 on a very misleading text message. 21 00:00:44,932 --> 00:00:46,600 Jeff, technically, you are about to be screwed 22 00:00:46,645 --> 00:00:48,112 in the biology room because our final project 23 00:00:48,137 --> 00:00:49,088 has been destroyed. 24 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,901 All right, look, I'm sorry for your loss. 25 00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,517 I know you guys put the work in, so you'll get a passing grade. 26 00:00:53,588 --> 00:00:54,838 A passing grade? 27 00:00:54,839 --> 00:00:56,256 Like a "C"? 28 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,542 Why don't I just get pregnant at a bus station? 29 00:00:58,543 --> 00:01:00,660 That was going to be an A-plus yam. 30 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,329 I can't give an A-plus to everyone 31 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,997 whose yam falls of a counter. 32 00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,849 Somebody did this to us. 33 00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:08,102 In science, we call that a hypothesis. 34 00:01:08,103 --> 00:01:10,471 You find something to back it up and we can talk. 35 00:01:10,472 --> 00:01:14,027 Now if you'll excuse me, I was watching Mama's Family. 36 00:01:14,536 --> 00:01:15,795 What happened? 37 00:01:15,815 --> 00:01:16,896 Our yam was killed. 38 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:18,451 But Professor Kane says we can still get an "A" 39 00:01:18,513 --> 00:01:20,260 - if we figure out who did it. - He did not say that. 40 00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:21,208 He basically did. 41 00:01:21,224 --> 00:01:22,669 You let me handle the nitty gritty. 44 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,720 I watch crime shows when I'm bored. 45 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,864 You boys, canvas for witnesses, establish a time frame 46 00:01:29,896 --> 00:01:31,447 and motive and bring me a suspect. 47 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,168 You've got 48 hours before the trail runs cold, 48 00:01:33,183 --> 00:01:34,800 so start with the last person to see that yam alive. 49 00:01:34,847 --> 00:01:37,382 - Yes, ma'am. - Understood. 50 00:01:37,532 --> 00:01:39,199 It's been a long 15 years. 51 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,719 Looks like it's gonna be a late night. 52 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,053 How'd we manage to pull the short straw? 53 00:01:43,054 --> 00:01:44,671 It's not a short straw. 54 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,724 It's a hot potato. 55 00:01:46,725 --> 00:01:50,811 Yeah, well, looks pretty cold to me. 56 00:01:50,812 --> 00:01:54,381 Cold? Or dead? 57 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,067 - Survey says... - We can't both do the zinger. 58 00:01:57,068 --> 00:01:58,552 Sorry. 59 00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:01,555 [Parody Law & Order theme music] 60 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:03,156 ♪ ♪ 61 00:02:24,088 --> 00:02:28,010 Sync & Corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 62 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,190 Okay, okay, five-to-one on the black guy. 63 00:02:39,191 --> 00:02:40,191 That's offensive. 64 00:02:40,192 --> 00:02:41,192 Fine, six-to-one. 65 00:02:41,193 --> 00:02:42,193 Hello, boys. 66 00:02:42,194 --> 00:02:45,077 Youth! Scatter! 67 00:02:45,154 --> 00:02:48,256 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Pierce. 68 00:02:48,523 --> 00:02:50,125 Mind if we ask you a couple of questions? 69 00:02:50,185 --> 00:02:52,547 Sure, I always say you guys should ask me more questions. 70 00:02:52,621 --> 00:02:54,288 Did you water our biology yam last night? 71 00:02:54,289 --> 00:02:55,456 Of course I watered it. 72 00:02:55,457 --> 00:02:56,690 It was my turn, wasn't it? 73 00:02:56,691 --> 00:02:57,992 I hold up my end. 74 00:02:57,993 --> 00:03:00,563 Did you hold it or drop it? 75 00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:02,778 Okay, whoa, I had nothing to do with that. 76 00:03:02,998 --> 00:03:04,594 I-I couldn't even get in the room. 77 00:03:04,627 --> 00:03:05,690 Make up your mind, Pierce. 78 00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:07,449 Did you water the yam or weren't you there? 79 00:03:07,677 --> 00:03:10,019 Okay, I lied about watering it. 80 00:03:10,047 --> 00:03:12,031 I got there too late, the doors were already locked. 81 00:03:12,064 --> 00:03:13,633 Why were you late? 82 00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,252 I... fell asleep in a sunbeam. 83 00:03:16,315 --> 00:03:17,815 - Likely story. - Actually it is. 84 00:03:17,879 --> 00:03:19,347 I used to live with him, it's kind of adorable. 85 00:03:19,348 --> 00:03:21,065 Look, why are you looking at me for this? 86 00:03:21,066 --> 00:03:22,984 It was my yam too. 87 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,102 You should be talking to somebody 88 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,103 who would wanna hurt us. 89 00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,904 - And who's that? - Duh-doy! 90 00:03:26,905 --> 00:03:28,082 Todd. 91 00:03:29,858 --> 00:03:32,276 Last night, I was home by 9:15, 92 00:03:32,277 --> 00:03:34,862 helped Elly with her geography and then went straight to bed. 93 00:03:34,863 --> 00:03:36,748 Sounds like you keep a pretty tight schedule. 94 00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:39,250 A valuable side effect of military service. 95 00:03:39,251 --> 00:03:42,837 In Iraq, keeping a tight schedule saved lives. 96 00:03:42,838 --> 00:03:44,338 Ah, what happened, Todd? 97 00:03:44,339 --> 00:03:46,457 Cut yourself on an extra sharp Oscar Wilde play? 98 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:47,592 Oh, this? It's a burn. 99 00:03:47,593 --> 00:03:49,260 Home ec class. Muffin. 100 00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:50,294 What kind of muffin? 101 00:03:50,295 --> 00:03:51,579 - Blueberry. - Why not raisin? 102 00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:52,986 That wasn't the assignment. 103 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:54,294 You can dance all day, Todd, 104 00:03:54,312 --> 00:03:55,729 but sooner or later, the music's gonna change. 105 00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:59,444 Look, even if I wanted to hurt your yam, I couldn't. 106 00:03:59,508 --> 00:04:02,243 I went by the bio room at 8:10 to chart my yam's growth. 107 00:04:02,424 --> 00:04:03,757 The door was already locked. 108 00:04:03,758 --> 00:04:04,942 There's a lot of that going around. 109 00:04:04,943 --> 00:04:06,527 - Oh, yeah. - It's true. 110 00:04:06,528 --> 00:04:08,896 I had to take a picture of my yam through the door. 111 00:04:08,897 --> 00:04:09,947 See? 112 00:04:09,948 --> 00:04:12,817 Your yam was fine when I left. 113 00:04:14,562 --> 00:04:16,603 I transferred or "downloaded" 114 00:04:16,622 --> 00:04:18,439 Todd's photograph to this computer 115 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,958 and as you'll see, with a few adjustments, I can make 116 00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,795 the entire image... [Computer beeps] 117 00:04:23,796 --> 00:04:27,215 old west color. 118 00:04:27,216 --> 00:04:28,666 I don't know. I thought it was cool. 119 00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,134 Britta, zoom in there. 120 00:04:30,135 --> 00:04:31,886 There's a clock on the wall. 121 00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:34,255 - Eight plus two times five... - Ten after 8:00. 122 00:04:34,256 --> 00:04:35,789 I'm gifted in other ways. 123 00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:37,425 That jibes with everyone else we talked to. 124 00:04:37,426 --> 00:04:39,260 It seems like the classroom door gets locked at 8:00. 125 00:04:39,261 --> 00:04:40,595 Which means whoever did the crime... 126 00:04:40,596 --> 00:04:42,146 Got in there before the doors were locked 127 00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:43,693 and stayed there for hours. 128 00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:44,927 I was gonna say, "Had a key". 129 00:04:44,938 --> 00:04:46,839 Last year, I came in after hours a couple of times 130 00:04:46,855 --> 00:04:48,954 to finish a piñata for advanced Spanish. 131 00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,056 I had to borrow a key from the front office. 132 00:04:51,119 --> 00:04:52,596 And sign a log. 133 00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:53,846 I can also help. 134 00:04:53,942 --> 00:04:55,526 As a psych major, I could pr... 135 00:04:57,010 --> 00:04:58,892 Any student can check out a key as long as they're 136 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,254 currently taking classes and show school I.D. 137 00:05:01,325 --> 00:05:02,656 The guy we're looking for had a key 138 00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:03,918 to the bio room Monday night. 139 00:05:03,919 --> 00:05:06,153 Monday night? Rings a bell. 140 00:05:06,154 --> 00:05:08,039 I'll check the log. 141 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,491 Sorry, this place is a mess. 142 00:05:10,492 --> 00:05:12,093 Is this about your yam? 143 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,495 I heard about that. It's a damn shame. 144 00:05:14,496 --> 00:05:18,382 - Mine just bloomed yesterday. - Congratulations. 145 00:05:18,383 --> 00:05:22,803 Ooh, there she is. 146 00:05:22,804 --> 00:05:28,276 Monday night, one biology room key checked out by... 147 00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:30,449 Magnitude. 148 00:05:32,247 --> 00:05:33,564 So you're saying you did check out a key, 149 00:05:33,565 --> 00:05:35,399 but it was inside your backpack when someone stole it 150 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,618 off a table in the library while you were using the bathroom 151 00:05:37,619 --> 00:05:38,986 and you haven't seen it since. 152 00:05:38,987 --> 00:05:42,523 Pop pop! 153 00:05:42,524 --> 00:05:44,692 Perfect, so now we gotta solve a robbery too. 154 00:05:44,693 --> 00:05:46,294 Well, whoever did it likes to steal backpacks 155 00:05:46,295 --> 00:05:47,495 off tables in the library. 156 00:05:47,496 --> 00:05:50,298 Only one way to catch a dirtbag like that. 157 00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:58,089 Well, time to visit the restroom. 158 00:06:08,216 --> 00:06:10,818 [Whistles] 159 00:06:19,561 --> 00:06:21,895 I found that backpack. 160 00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:24,898 Hey, idiot, guess what. 161 00:06:24,899 --> 00:06:27,535 We don't care about the backpack. 162 00:06:27,536 --> 00:06:30,504 Dead yam, big deal. 163 00:06:30,505 --> 00:06:31,905 Order some ketchup. 164 00:06:31,906 --> 00:06:33,591 That doesn't make sense. You don't order ketchup. 165 00:06:33,592 --> 00:06:34,592 It's a condiment! 166 00:06:34,593 --> 00:06:36,076 Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off! 167 00:06:36,077 --> 00:06:37,962 Troy, walk it off! 168 00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:39,130 Sorry, my friend, he's a bad cop. 169 00:06:39,131 --> 00:06:40,381 - Yeah. - I'm a good cop. 170 00:06:40,382 --> 00:06:41,599 - Oh, good. - You can trust me. 171 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,601 Okay, well... hey! 172 00:06:43,602 --> 00:06:45,136 I'm not falling for that. 173 00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:47,104 And you got nothing on me. 174 00:06:47,105 --> 00:06:49,390 And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops. 175 00:06:49,391 --> 00:06:51,392 [Knock at door] 176 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:55,947 He's right. You're not cops. 177 00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:58,199 I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands. 178 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,400 But he's our man though, right? 179 00:06:59,401 --> 00:07:01,369 Well he ain't innocent. 180 00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:03,154 Look, I'll try to keep him busy. 181 00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:05,210 You guys go to the lab, see if they figured out 182 00:07:05,246 --> 00:07:06,830 how our yam met its masher. 183 00:07:06,956 --> 00:07:09,624 I can both see and hear you. 184 00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:14,006 The yam's vascular cylinder is completely disintegrated. 185 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,968 Any possibility it happened naturally? 186 00:07:16,031 --> 00:07:18,234 Sure, if the gardener's Joseph Mengele. 187 00:07:18,303 --> 00:07:19,387 Look at the root system. 188 00:07:19,388 --> 00:07:21,305 This level of smushing is consistent 189 00:07:21,306 --> 00:07:23,957 with someone stepping on the yam after it was dropped. 190 00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:25,626 So whoever did this was angry. 191 00:07:25,627 --> 00:07:26,794 Hey, I just cut 'em open. 192 00:07:26,795 --> 00:07:28,462 You want motive, talk to a shrink. 193 00:07:28,463 --> 00:07:32,183 What I can tell you is that for a raw yam to get it this bad, 194 00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,134 you need more than gravity. 195 00:07:34,135 --> 00:07:35,436 You need a boot. 196 00:07:35,437 --> 00:07:38,702 [Gags] 197 00:07:38,764 --> 00:07:40,154 We have to tell Professor Kane. 198 00:07:40,183 --> 00:07:41,633 There's nothing here to connect to Star-Burns. 199 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:42,660 He'd have to confess. 200 00:07:42,661 --> 00:07:43,661 Oh, yeah, sure. 201 00:07:43,662 --> 00:07:44,779 Maybe if we ask him nice, 202 00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:46,080 he'll write us a love letter too. 203 00:07:46,081 --> 00:07:49,817 Well, whoever did do this does owe you guys a letter. 204 00:07:49,818 --> 00:07:51,819 An "A." 205 00:07:53,755 --> 00:07:57,491 This yam was about to bloom. 206 00:07:57,492 --> 00:07:58,843 Damn. 207 00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:02,463 We named the yam "Pam." 208 00:08:02,776 --> 00:08:04,136 It rhymed. 209 00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:07,331 Even if we could prove 210 00:08:07,332 --> 00:08:08,832 that Star-Burns stole Magnitude's key, 211 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:09,833 it's not enough. 212 00:08:09,872 --> 00:08:11,217 But we know Star-Burns did it. 213 00:08:11,327 --> 00:08:12,906 Keep the change, Garret. 214 00:08:13,171 --> 00:08:14,548 You know what? Keep the hot dog. 215 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,599 You're telling me after all this, 216 00:08:15,623 --> 00:08:16,873 our suspect's gonna slip away 217 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,246 on the technicality that we're not police? 218 00:08:18,341 --> 00:08:20,201 Okay, look, you don't need authority 219 00:08:20,224 --> 00:08:21,240 to get a confession. 220 00:08:21,255 --> 00:08:23,151 You need leverage. Something to hold over his head. 221 00:08:23,182 --> 00:08:24,487 - Like what? - He's Star-Burns. 222 00:08:24,507 --> 00:08:25,486 Break into his locker. 223 00:08:25,512 --> 00:08:26,796 You'll find enough dirt to bury him. 224 00:08:26,813 --> 00:08:28,564 Jeff, that's not ethical. 225 00:08:28,784 --> 00:08:31,331 Oh, so now you're finding your softness? 226 00:08:31,422 --> 00:08:32,556 I say do what you have to do. 227 00:08:32,557 --> 00:08:33,923 It's too late to get compassionate. 228 00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:36,726 We only have time to get justice. 229 00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:38,395 I really shouldn't be doing this. 230 00:08:38,396 --> 00:08:40,447 And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here? 231 00:08:40,448 --> 00:08:42,983 Not anymore, so hurry up. 232 00:08:42,984 --> 00:08:44,034 [Glass shatters] 233 00:08:44,035 --> 00:08:46,036 Whoa, Nelly! 234 00:08:50,124 --> 00:08:53,126 Clean up on aisle "busted." 235 00:08:56,214 --> 00:08:57,747 Why do they always r... 236 00:08:57,748 --> 00:08:58,748 Why do they always... 237 00:08:58,749 --> 00:09:00,083 - You go ahead. - Why do they always run? 238 00:09:00,084 --> 00:09:03,286 There you go. 239 00:09:03,287 --> 00:09:04,304 Move! 240 00:09:04,305 --> 00:09:06,139 Not police business! 241 00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:09,626 Hey, knock much? 242 00:09:09,627 --> 00:09:10,627 - Kiss me! - What? 243 00:09:10,628 --> 00:09:11,628 I'll explain later. 244 00:09:11,629 --> 00:09:12,795 - No. - I'll explain later. 245 00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:14,481 The explanation isn't the issue. 246 00:09:14,482 --> 00:09:16,132 Aah! 247 00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,767 Oh, all right, all right. 248 00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:20,937 Look, I-I swiped some beakers for the meth lab 249 00:09:20,938 --> 00:09:22,939 that I'm building in the trunk of my car. 250 00:09:22,940 --> 00:09:24,324 But that's it. 251 00:09:24,325 --> 00:09:25,909 I didn't kill any yam. 252 00:09:25,910 --> 00:09:27,327 Tell it to the biology Professor. 253 00:09:27,328 --> 00:09:28,528 Oh, now wait! 254 00:09:28,529 --> 00:09:29,863 I know who did it. 255 00:09:29,864 --> 00:09:31,981 I left the door open and someone came in. 256 00:09:31,982 --> 00:09:33,667 He dropped your yam. 257 00:09:33,668 --> 00:09:35,485 Will you tell our teacher who it was? 258 00:09:35,486 --> 00:09:36,953 If you promise I won't get in trouble 259 00:09:36,954 --> 00:09:38,505 for stealing that meth lab stuff. 260 00:09:38,506 --> 00:09:39,989 - Sure, whatever. - Fine. 261 00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:41,991 Pinky swear? 262 00:09:44,262 --> 00:09:46,329 It was the guy with the weird head. 263 00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:47,347 The army guy. 264 00:09:47,348 --> 00:09:48,682 I heard the jar break and then 265 00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:51,351 I saw him running out of the room holding his hand. 266 00:09:51,352 --> 00:09:56,356 Looked like he cut himself. 267 00:09:56,357 --> 00:09:58,558 Well, well, well. 268 00:09:58,559 --> 00:09:59,609 Look at this, Abed. 269 00:09:59,610 --> 00:10:01,678 He weaves baskets and lies. 270 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:02,679 What's this about? 271 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,681 It's about the killing of our biology yam. 272 00:10:04,682 --> 00:10:05,866 Will you please come with us? 273 00:10:05,867 --> 00:10:07,317 But I'm in the middle of making a handle. 274 00:10:07,318 --> 00:10:09,519 He wants it the hard way. Tell him what Shirley said. 275 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,688 Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want. 276 00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:14,190 Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, 277 00:10:14,191 --> 00:10:15,659 but we'd really like it if you came with us. 278 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:17,761 Please and thank you. 279 00:10:17,762 --> 00:10:18,845 [Heavy thuds] 280 00:10:18,846 --> 00:10:19,846 Make it quick, folks. 281 00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:22,532 I have a class in five minutes and none of you guys are in it. 282 00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:24,701 After conducting a full investigation, 283 00:10:24,702 --> 00:10:27,804 my study group now has definitive proof that Todd, 284 00:10:27,805 --> 00:10:30,423 with malice of forethought, smashed our yam. 285 00:10:30,424 --> 00:10:32,809 That's a serious allegation. I hope you can back it up. 286 00:10:32,810 --> 00:10:34,544 We can place him in the building Monday night. 287 00:10:34,545 --> 00:10:37,180 He has a mysterious bandage on his hand, 288 00:10:37,181 --> 00:10:39,382 and we have and eyewitness who saw Todd drop the jar and flee. 289 00:10:39,383 --> 00:10:40,883 Well, Todd, what do you have to say? 290 00:10:40,884 --> 00:10:44,104 - I just wanna... - Don't answer that, soldier! 291 00:10:44,105 --> 00:10:46,656 - This man is an American hero. - And who are you? 292 00:10:46,657 --> 00:10:49,359 I'm Lieutenant Colonel Archwood, United States Army. 293 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,894 I had the pleasure of commanding this young man in Iraq. 294 00:10:51,895 --> 00:10:53,280 I'm staying on his couch this weekend 295 00:10:53,281 --> 00:10:54,781 while I'm in town for a wedding. 296 00:10:54,782 --> 00:10:57,867 I am a licensed attorney, a veteran of two wars, 297 00:10:57,868 --> 00:11:02,088 and I'd like to know why in hell he's being harassed. 298 00:11:02,089 --> 00:11:04,407 Mr. Winger, what is the intention here? 299 00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:07,877 Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an "A" from us. 300 00:11:07,878 --> 00:11:09,012 We want it back. 301 00:11:09,013 --> 00:11:10,964 You mean if he smashed the yam. 302 00:11:10,965 --> 00:11:13,266 All you have is the word of this Mr. Star-Burns, 303 00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,052 who offers up no explanation as to why he was at the scene. 304 00:11:16,053 --> 00:11:17,253 How about it, Jeffrey? 305 00:11:17,254 --> 00:11:19,422 What was Star-Burns doing there? 306 00:11:19,423 --> 00:11:20,807 We agreed to withhold that information 307 00:11:20,808 --> 00:11:23,259 as part of a pinky swear with the witness. 308 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,611 A pinky swear? 309 00:11:24,612 --> 00:11:27,314 This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. 310 00:11:27,315 --> 00:11:29,599 Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate 311 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,151 over the word of a decorated soldier? 312 00:11:31,152 --> 00:11:33,787 I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform. 313 00:11:33,788 --> 00:11:35,322 - Shocker. - Jeffrey. 314 00:11:35,323 --> 00:11:38,291 Tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, 315 00:11:38,292 --> 00:11:40,443 or your group can take an "F." 316 00:11:40,444 --> 00:11:42,111 Hold up, hold up, hold up. 317 00:11:42,112 --> 00:11:43,747 I grade my students. 318 00:11:43,748 --> 00:11:46,082 Now, what Star-Face was doing there is irrelevant. 319 00:11:46,083 --> 00:11:47,917 What matters is what he saw. 320 00:11:47,918 --> 00:11:49,419 I'm upholding the pinky swear. 321 00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:50,620 What? 322 00:11:50,621 --> 00:11:52,889 Yo, man, you spent your life in the army. 323 00:11:52,890 --> 00:11:54,507 I spent mine in prison. 324 00:11:54,508 --> 00:11:57,894 Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. 325 00:11:57,895 --> 00:12:00,063 Now out here, it's supposed to be different. 326 00:12:00,064 --> 00:12:02,482 And in my class, it will be. 327 00:12:02,483 --> 00:12:04,067 You two can plead your case to the class 328 00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:07,404 and let them decide your grades. 329 00:12:07,803 --> 00:12:10,588 Professor... Thank you. 330 00:12:10,808 --> 00:12:12,751 It's not a favor, Mr. Winger. 331 00:12:12,919 --> 00:12:14,373 A man's gotta have a code. 332 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,309 Awesome. 333 00:12:16,348 --> 00:12:18,733 See you in class. 334 00:12:20,584 --> 00:12:22,452 [Exhales] 335 00:12:22,453 --> 00:12:23,870 - Uniform. - Oh! 336 00:12:23,871 --> 00:12:24,871 Jeez. 337 00:12:24,872 --> 00:12:26,873 Yeah. 338 00:12:27,272 --> 00:12:28,606 Shirley did some more digging. 339 00:12:28,677 --> 00:12:30,639 Turns out Todd's yam never even sprouted. 340 00:12:30,806 --> 00:12:32,123 Goes to motive. 341 00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:35,038 And Star-Burns puts Todd in the classroom at 8:10. 342 00:12:35,079 --> 00:12:35,909 Opportunity. 343 00:12:35,931 --> 00:12:37,100 Add to that a cut on the hand 344 00:12:37,140 --> 00:12:40,008 and the Winger charm, we might get an A-plus-plus. 345 00:12:40,102 --> 00:12:41,352 We still have a lot of work to do. 346 00:12:41,415 --> 00:12:42,734 Oh, I think you've done enough. 347 00:12:42,790 --> 00:12:44,574 Colonel Archwood got to Star-Burns. 348 00:12:44,614 --> 00:12:46,115 Threatened to involve the real cops. 349 00:12:46,358 --> 00:12:48,408 Now Star-Burns is in the wind. 350 00:12:48,816 --> 00:12:50,417 He's our only witness. 351 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,450 That what you guys do in here? 352 00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:52,489 You push your little papers 353 00:12:52,529 --> 00:12:53,709 and you make your little speeches, 354 00:12:53,755 --> 00:12:55,607 and in the end another dirtbag walks? 355 00:12:55,677 --> 00:12:57,435 Huh? Huh?! 356 00:12:57,488 --> 00:12:59,622 Abed! Abed! 357 00:12:59,623 --> 00:13:01,524 Abed! Walk it off! [Screams] 358 00:13:01,525 --> 00:13:04,127 Walk it off! 359 00:13:05,237 --> 00:13:07,021 I'm sorry about my partner. 360 00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:11,117 He... he's been on edge ever since we switched. 361 00:13:11,535 --> 00:13:13,720 [Snaps fingers] You. 362 00:13:14,034 --> 00:13:16,351 Annie, that class already hates us. 363 00:13:16,352 --> 00:13:18,454 If we go in there without a case, they'll fail us. 364 00:13:18,455 --> 00:13:20,122 We have proof our yam was murdered 365 00:13:20,123 --> 00:13:21,874 and now you find your softness? 366 00:13:21,875 --> 00:13:24,026 It's eat or be eaten when that's convenient, 367 00:13:24,027 --> 00:13:26,379 but when the going gets tough, Winger gets nervous, huh? 368 00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:28,047 We have no case, Annie. 369 00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:29,882 It's too late to get one, Jeff. 370 00:13:30,155 --> 00:13:32,887 We only have time to get justice. 371 00:13:35,998 --> 00:13:38,097 Tell us what happened next, Todd. 372 00:13:38,122 --> 00:13:40,424 I disarmed the I.E.D. 373 00:13:40,425 --> 00:13:42,676 and returned the child to his mother. 374 00:13:42,677 --> 00:13:45,846 She offered to give me her only possession... a wooden chair... 375 00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:47,064 but I refused. 376 00:13:47,065 --> 00:13:50,133 I was only doing my duty and we had 377 00:13:50,134 --> 00:13:51,852 plenty of chairs at the base. 378 00:13:51,853 --> 00:13:54,020 And for your valor, you were awarded a bronze star. 379 00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:56,573 In fact, you have an absolutely glowing service record. 380 00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:58,442 - Don't you, private? - I do my best. 381 00:13:58,443 --> 00:14:00,777 You do more than that, soldier. 382 00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:03,080 Certainly more than this witness 383 00:14:03,081 --> 00:14:04,647 who supposedly saw you kill the yam. 384 00:14:04,648 --> 00:14:07,033 A man who for all we know 385 00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:09,286 is a holocaust-denying, 9/11 pedophile. 386 00:14:09,287 --> 00:14:11,838 - Objection. - Withdrawn. 387 00:14:11,839 --> 00:14:13,123 One last question. 388 00:14:13,124 --> 00:14:14,958 Did you intentionally break into 389 00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:17,427 the biology room with the express purpose 390 00:14:17,428 --> 00:14:19,829 of killing the study group's yam? 391 00:14:19,830 --> 00:14:22,099 - No, sir, I did not. - Thank you, soldier. 392 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:25,886 And God bless your testimony. 393 00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:27,888 Your witness. 394 00:14:30,441 --> 00:14:34,277 Tell me, Todd, do you consider yourself a hero? 395 00:14:34,278 --> 00:14:35,312 Oh, no. 396 00:14:35,313 --> 00:14:36,363 Of course not. 397 00:14:36,364 --> 00:14:38,598 A hero doesn't call himself a hero. 398 00:14:38,599 --> 00:14:40,984 A hero gets called a hero because of what he does. 399 00:14:40,985 --> 00:14:42,235 And with your impressive record, 400 00:14:42,236 --> 00:14:43,653 not even I could deny you the title. 401 00:14:43,654 --> 00:14:45,989 Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something. 402 00:14:45,990 --> 00:14:47,574 Objection, that's not a real objection. 403 00:14:47,575 --> 00:14:49,376 Objection, I hate the both of you. 404 00:14:49,377 --> 00:14:51,812 You may proceed, Ms. Edison, but do so with caution. 405 00:14:51,813 --> 00:14:54,297 Need I remind you this is not a courtroom? 406 00:14:54,298 --> 00:14:55,999 I spent the majority of last night 407 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,417 going over your records with Mr. Winger, 408 00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:01,888 scouring them for the slightest mistake, the tiniest slip up. 409 00:15:01,889 --> 00:15:05,308 And I gotta tell you, Todd. Couldn't find a thing. 410 00:15:05,309 --> 00:15:08,261 Not one little smudge. 411 00:15:08,262 --> 00:15:13,049 Except, of course, for one pesky yam that just wouldn't grow. 412 00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:14,935 That had to weigh on your soul, didn't it, Todd? 413 00:15:14,936 --> 00:15:17,053 - Maybe a little. - A little? 414 00:15:17,054 --> 00:15:20,824 A big orange splotch on your perfect record? 415 00:15:20,825 --> 00:15:23,193 I bet that pissed you right off, didn't it? 416 00:15:23,194 --> 00:15:24,778 Is that why you hit your wife? 417 00:15:24,779 --> 00:15:26,246 Withdrawn. 418 00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:27,697 Is that why you drink and pop pills? 419 00:15:27,698 --> 00:15:28,698 Withdrawn. 420 00:15:28,699 --> 00:15:30,283 Are you a virgin? Withdrawn. 421 00:15:30,284 --> 00:15:31,582 Did you... 422 00:15:33,204 --> 00:15:36,756 kill our yam to settle the score, huh? 423 00:15:36,757 --> 00:15:39,742 Did stomping on its roots make you feel like a big man? 424 00:15:39,743 --> 00:15:40,927 No, it didn't. 425 00:15:40,928 --> 00:15:42,412 I mean, I didn't... 426 00:15:42,413 --> 00:15:44,080 Todd, zip it. 427 00:15:44,081 --> 00:15:46,633 No, you zip it, Uncle Knobby. 428 00:15:46,634 --> 00:15:48,552 I'm not fighting your wars anymore. 429 00:15:48,553 --> 00:15:49,886 Listen to me, Todd. 430 00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:53,223 I know how scary a failing grade can be, 431 00:15:53,224 --> 00:15:56,092 but this one dead yam won't tarnish your record. 432 00:15:56,093 --> 00:16:00,430 What will tarnish it is lying to your class, 433 00:16:00,431 --> 00:16:02,148 to your teacher, and to me. 434 00:16:02,149 --> 00:16:04,934 The American citizen you've sworn to protect. 435 00:16:04,935 --> 00:16:07,604 Come on, Todd. 436 00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:09,656 Stop disappointing me. 437 00:16:09,657 --> 00:16:13,443 Defuse the I.E.D. of dishonesty. 438 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:17,163 It was an accident. 439 00:16:17,164 --> 00:16:18,215 [All gasp] 440 00:16:18,216 --> 00:16:19,916 I just wanted to look at your yam, 441 00:16:19,917 --> 00:16:23,553 but when I picked up the jar, it burnt me and I dropped it. 442 00:16:23,554 --> 00:16:25,505 Booyah! 443 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,592 [Laughs] That's how it's done! 444 00:16:28,593 --> 00:16:32,095 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ 445 00:16:32,096 --> 00:16:34,981 - Todd... - Woo-hoo! 446 00:16:34,982 --> 00:16:36,233 I'm telling your mother. 447 00:16:36,234 --> 00:16:37,317 That's right. 448 00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:40,637 Always have an exit strategy. 449 00:16:40,638 --> 00:16:42,906 [Cries] 450 00:16:42,907 --> 00:16:45,308 [Bangs tape dispenser] I think I've heard enough. 451 00:16:45,309 --> 00:16:48,311 Professor Kane, may we have a sidebar in your office? 452 00:16:52,199 --> 00:16:53,483 I want a mistrial. 453 00:16:53,484 --> 00:16:55,285 Just give us a "C," give Todd a "C." 454 00:16:55,286 --> 00:16:56,986 - Excuse me? - What? 455 00:16:56,987 --> 00:16:59,923 Can we take a sidebar in this sidebar? 456 00:16:59,924 --> 00:17:02,208 Jeff, we're about to get our "A." 457 00:17:02,209 --> 00:17:04,827 - Todd didn't do it. - Um, he just confessed, dummy. 458 00:17:04,828 --> 00:17:06,796 He said the jar burned him? 459 00:17:06,797 --> 00:17:07,931 It doesn't make any sense. 460 00:17:07,932 --> 00:17:09,599 People don't half-confess to crimes. 461 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,669 Look, when we started this, you were after the truth. 462 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:16,172 And then I convinced you it was more important to win. 463 00:17:16,173 --> 00:17:18,108 Don't be like me. 464 00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:20,009 A man's got to have a code. 465 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:23,363 I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. 466 00:17:23,364 --> 00:17:25,448 - A "codette" or something. - But... 467 00:17:25,449 --> 00:17:27,067 It's not worth getting an "A" 468 00:17:27,068 --> 00:17:30,070 if an innocent man might get an "F." 469 00:17:32,073 --> 00:17:34,124 Okay, I heard all of that and I accept. 470 00:17:34,125 --> 00:17:35,909 [Bangs tape dispenser] 471 00:17:35,910 --> 00:17:37,994 All right. 472 00:17:37,995 --> 00:17:41,715 After speaking to the wronged parties, I've decided to... 473 00:17:41,716 --> 00:17:44,250 Uh, if it pleases the bio class, 474 00:17:44,251 --> 00:17:45,752 I have closing arguments. 475 00:17:45,753 --> 00:17:48,171 Of course you do. 476 00:17:48,172 --> 00:17:53,810 Why was it so hard for all of us to grow a yam? 477 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:58,098 It's just a stupid yam in a stupid jar. 478 00:17:58,099 --> 00:18:02,552 We're all fully-grown adults failing a kindergarten project. 479 00:18:02,553 --> 00:18:04,387 - Can I object? - I'll allow it. 480 00:18:04,388 --> 00:18:05,405 Sustained. 481 00:18:05,406 --> 00:18:08,391 And all this time we assumed our yam was targeted, 482 00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:11,611 that someone had stomped its roots maliciously. 483 00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:14,564 But what if... what if our yam's roots 484 00:18:14,565 --> 00:18:17,400 were dead before they hit the ground? 485 00:18:17,401 --> 00:18:19,119 [Splat] 486 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,453 - Hey, that's mine! - Look at it. 487 00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:21,788 Everyone look. 488 00:18:21,789 --> 00:18:24,457 Smushed without being stepped on. 489 00:18:24,458 --> 00:18:25,675 [Splat] 490 00:18:25,676 --> 00:18:27,177 Because it didn't have to be stepped on. 491 00:18:27,178 --> 00:18:29,879 Because it was boiled. [Splat] 492 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:34,467 Someone has been pouring boiling water into our jars at night. 493 00:18:34,468 --> 00:18:37,420 No one noticed because the water cooled off by morning. 494 00:18:37,421 --> 00:18:41,141 Boiling water is the icicle stabbing of yam killing. 495 00:18:41,142 --> 00:18:43,059 [Solid thud] 496 00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,477 [All gasp] Ooh, but that didn't... 497 00:18:44,478 --> 00:18:46,479 Hmm. 498 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,765 This yam isn't boiled. 499 00:18:48,766 --> 00:18:49,899 Vicki? 500 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,152 I don't... I didn't do it, I swear! 501 00:18:52,153 --> 00:18:53,153 I boiled the yams. [All gasp] 502 00:18:53,154 --> 00:18:55,038 Vicki's yam never sprouted 503 00:18:55,039 --> 00:18:57,071 and I didn't want her to fail, so I threw off the grading curve 504 00:18:57,072 --> 00:18:58,771 so she wouldn't have to go to summer school 505 00:18:58,835 --> 00:19:01,433 and we can finally have sex in my parents' cabin. 506 00:19:01,612 --> 00:19:03,428 God forgive me, I did it for love! 507 00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:07,010 - [Cries] - Holy crap. 508 00:19:07,111 --> 00:19:10,050 We are definitely dissecting pine cones next year. 509 00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:13,456 Neil has agreed to retake biology over the summer 510 00:19:13,457 --> 00:19:16,125 and his status as keymaster has been revoked. 511 00:19:16,126 --> 00:19:18,795 After all the politics and procedure, in the end, 512 00:19:18,796 --> 00:19:20,930 the case really was about biology. 513 00:19:20,931 --> 00:19:23,233 Told you it was an important subject. 514 00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:25,568 [Phone rings] 515 00:19:25,569 --> 00:19:27,570 Hello? 516 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,061 I understand. 517 00:19:37,331 --> 00:19:39,282 Star-Burns got rear-ended 518 00:19:39,283 --> 00:19:43,002 and the meth lab in his trunk exploded. 519 00:19:43,628 --> 00:19:45,629 He's dead. 520 00:19:53,074 --> 00:19:55,725 - Abed? - Yeah? 521 00:19:55,726 --> 00:19:57,677 Why don't we have bunk bed conversations? 522 00:19:57,678 --> 00:19:59,345 I don't know. 523 00:19:59,346 --> 00:20:01,447 We're best friends, we share a bunk bed. 524 00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:03,149 Seems like we should be having them all the time. 525 00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:04,450 You start. 526 00:20:04,451 --> 00:20:07,670 Okay. Why do you think they call them "bunk beds"? 527 00:20:07,671 --> 00:20:09,439 Where's the word "bunk" come from? 528 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,473 I don't know. 529 00:20:10,474 --> 00:20:12,774 I think it comes from the word "bunker." 530 00:20:12,775 --> 00:20:16,212 So when is your apartment done being fumigated? 531 00:20:16,213 --> 00:20:17,647 Oh, it was done about a week ago. 532 00:20:17,648 --> 00:20:19,032 Then why are you still here? 533 00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:22,385 - I brought you some warm milk. - Oh. 534 00:20:22,386 --> 00:20:23,834 There you go. 535 00:20:23,835 --> 00:20:27,690 ♪ Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland ♪ 536 00:20:27,691 --> 00:20:31,363 ♪ Catching the train to Sleepytown ♪ 537 00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:32,743 ♪ And when they wake up ♪ 538 00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,697 ♪ The Dean'll be here ♪ 539 00:20:34,698 --> 00:20:37,333 ♪ Staring at you ♪ 540 00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:39,152 Sweet deans. [Giggles] 541 00:20:39,184 --> 00:20:41,969 That's nice... I guess.