All I'm saying is next time I tell some babe I'm 15,
Back me up.
All I said was, "I'm 12."
But we're twins.
She's bound to figure out one of us is lying.
When are you two gonna stop arguing?
Soon, I beg of you.
Or relocate your argument to some suitable alley.
Don't worry, Mr. Moseby. Things'll quiet down fast.
Cody and Tapeworm are leaving
For math camp for 2 weeks.
Camp knock-a-number.
They serve 3 squared meals a day.
Get it?
Squared. You know, math camp.
2 weeks of campfires, canoeing, and quadratic formulas.
Ooh. That sounds like heaven.
You're going as well?
No way!
I told the teacher you couldn't pay me
To spend 2 weeks with a bunch of math geeks.
Was that before or after you flunked your math test?
I'll have you know I flunked that test purposely
Just to get away from you.
Oh, yeah?
And who are you avoiding with your "D" in English?
Don't run-- not the cou--
Here I am in your life
Here you are in mine
Yes, we have a suite life
Most of the time
You and me got the world to see
So come on down
Just me and you know what to do
So come on down
It's you and me and me and you
We got the whole place to ourselves
You and me, we got it all for free
So come on down
This is the suite life
We've got a suite life
Hopefully french class to learn a word other than "moi."
No. I'm going to the D.M.V. to get my learner's permit.
You're gonna learn to drive?!
Oh, it's easy.
I've been watching my chauffeur do it for years.
But I have to pass their silly test first.
Here. Quiz me, candy girl.
Ok.
Here's one.
"when is it acceptable to park near a red curb?"
Well... If I'm wearing green,
Never. It would clash.
Oh, unless it's christmas.
You're gonna do great.
Don't forget to pack blankie.
Don't need it. I'm quitting cold turkey.
But it might come in handy.
Say you run into a grizzly bear.
You could take out your blankie,
And he would laugh himself to death.
Or I can show him your report card.
Ok. I've put nametags in all your clothes.
Here's my cell phone.
Call if there's an emergency, like you just want --
To hear mommy's voice.
Mom.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much.
Emergency!
Can't breathe!
Sorry.
Zack, you're gonna miss your brother, too, aren't ya?
Like a slow-healing scab.
You guys have never been apart, not ever.
Except for the first 10 minutes when Cody wasn't born.
Those were the days.
Hurry up, Cody. I don't want you to miss your bus.
Yeah. You don't wanna miss a bus full of nerds
Going, "2, 4, 6, 8,
Why can't we get a date?"
Well, bye, Zack.
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah!
Hey, Cody, what do you wanna watch on television?
Oh, I don't know, Zack.
As long as it's boring and educational.
Wrestling it is.
Mom, I'm bored.
Why don't you call Max?
Out of town.
-Adam? -Chickenpox.
-Danny? -He gave Adam chickenpox.
Well, why don't you go down to the game room?
There's no one to play with.
Well, here's a fun idea.
How about you clean up all this popcorn,
And then while you're on a roll, you can make the bed
I asked you to make a year ago.
I can't. There's popcorn in it.
One less to clean. Get to it.
Moseby, have you heard the good news?
Yes. One of the twins is gone for 2 weeks.
It's like falling in love.
Not that. I got my learner's permit.
Yay moi
Good for vous.
So now you're ready to hit the mean streets?
Yes. My daddy even bought me a car to practice on.
My friend Portia's gonna teach me.
The young lady who drove her father's yacht
Into piers 10, 11, and 12?
She was putting on sunscreen.
I won't have it.
You need proper, safe instruction,
And I am going to teach you.
-You? -Why not?
I helped you take your first steps across this very lobby.
In designer booties.
I helped you roller-skate and learn how to ride a bike.
You're in our family album
More than my father or any of his ex-wives.
It only seems fitting that I steer you--
Through this rite of passage.
Let's say we give it a go.
How about first thing in the morning?
You got it. I'll meet you at the crack of noon.
Hiya!
Hello.
I'm Warren. Welcome to camp knock-a-number.
I'm Cody, and this is Tapeworm.
We're from boston.
That's pretty far away, isn't it?
Not really. Only 188.2 miles.
And the bus averaged 58 miles per hour
With no headwind.
So you guys made it here in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
3 1/2 hours.
We stopped for 2.6 tacos.
Man, math camp is better than I thought it would be.
Inverse tangent, hyperbolic sign 3.14159
Yay, numbers!
Esteban!
Oh, little blonde peoples, you scared me...
I mean people.
Here's your mama's dry cleaning.
Hold on. Don't you want to hang out?
Oh, no. I have work to do.
A group of bodybuilders are checking in.
You'd think they'd carry their own luggage.
Why don't you relax a little?
Maybe play some alien kung fu slam-a-jama?
Oh, but that doesn't come out for another month.
I've got my sources.
Ah, you know my weakness!
Put it in!
Got you, alien scum.
Oh, you did not. You missed.
Then why'd your head explode?
It doesn't matter. I'm a zylon.
So long, zylon.
Wait your turn.
You're running out of lives.
Well, you're running out of reload.
And I'm running out of patience.
Oh, Mr. Moseby, I am so sorry.
Your turn.
Watch out for his intergalactic exploding taser.
The only intergalactic explosion
You need to worry about is mine.
Ooh, you didn't eat those spicy beans again, did you?
Please get back to your job while you still have one.
Yes, sir.
Well done, Zack.
You're disrupting my hotel
From the comfort of your own room.
But I'm bored.
Well, that's too bad.
But the hotel employees are not your playmates.
You are so no match for me.
It's like you're not even trying.
And I just broke a million!
A new personal best!
Muriel. Muriel, wake up! I have something to show you!
Oh, not now, Gunther. I'm tired.
Never mind. I'll tell Cody.
At least with him, I can rub it in his face.
Hello, this is Cody
Using my mom's cell phone. Please leave a message,
And remember, numbers are your friends.
Why don't you ever answer this thing?
I've got important news.
I just beat my new high score in alien kung fu slam-a-jama.
Come on, Cody, we're going down to the lake.
Uh, maybe later. I have 16 messages from Zack.
I want to call him back.
But we're gonna factor
How many pints of water are in the lake.
Then calculate its oxygen content.
And estimate the fish population.
You guys are wild men.
Ok, first things first,
Have you adjusted your mirrors?
All 3 of them.
And I can see myself perfectly.
No, no, no. They're not for vanity.
Your rearview mirrors are for seeing the view to your rear.
Not your behind, Behind you.
But I won't be able to see myself having fun.
Driving a motor vehicle is not fun.
It's serious business.
Have you buckled your seat belt?
I was going to,
But this outfit just wrinkles so easily, So I thought--
Just do it.
-But my outfit-- -It's the law!
Ok.
Now, are you familiar with the gearshift?
You mean the prndl?
The what?
The prndl.
Are you referring to the shift lever that says p-r-n-d-l?
I'm not a child, Moseby. I know how to spell "prndl."
It is not something you spell.
It is a gearshift.
The letters stand for
Park, reverse, neutral, drive, and low!
You're making me nervous with all this technical talk.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Why don't we just relax? We'll turn on the radio.
Would you like "am" or "fm"?
Ok, let's try the blue light.
No, the blue that's not yellow.
Hey, mom!
Cody sent us a postcard from math camp.
That's great. How's he doing?
Not too good. He says it rained yesterday.
He also says he's made lots of new friends
And figured out the circumference of a moose.
Sounds like he's having fun.
Mom, read between the lines.
Isn't it obvious that he's miserable
And wants to come home?
How do you know?
We have twin telepathy.
We could read each other's minds.
It's like my brain is getting phone calls from him.
Well, I think you have a bad connection. Hang up.
I always know.
Remember that time he broke his leg and I sensed it?
That's because you fell on him and broke it.
And I knew it immediately.
Spooky stuff, mom.
Honey, I think maybe you're the one who's missing him.
Don't be ridiculous!
Do you realize he forgot to take blankie?
I can sense he's a nervous wreck.
You're making me a nervous wreck.
I'm trying to keep us from having a wreck!
We're not even moving.
Ok... Let's start all over, shall we?
Is the key in the ignition?
For over an hour now.
Well, that's because you had to do your makeup. Twice.
Well, excuse me for trying to beautify the highways.
Start the engine... And put the car in drive.
That's the "d" on the prndl.
I'm worried about him. He's up there in the wilderness.
Right now, he could be hanging from a cliff over a waterfall
With a pack of wolves and a bear snapping at him.
It's math camp.
The worst that could happen is that he sit on his compass.
But, mom, I'm w--
Honey, I'm tellin' ya--
We're probably in more danger here than he is there.
Forward! Not reverse!
Oh, my goodness, are you ok?
I'm not cleaning that up.
-Moseby. -Mrs. Knievel.
Was that a slam on my driving?
Please, don't use the word "slam."
I'll have you know,
I'm going to find a real driving teacher.
Well, might I suggest a hollywood stunt man
Or a former marine?
You know, someone who's used to crashing through things.
Look, I've only crashed because you made so nervous,
I couldn't tell up from down.
Well, maybe you should be driving a pogo stick!
What was that all about?
Moseby thinks the accident was all my fault.
-No! -Yeah.
You guys, I'm worried about Cody.
He's not answering his cell phone.
Maybe he's having fun.
Hello?! We're talking about math camp!
Well, what does your mom say?
She's in denial.
I've got to get up to that camp.
I can drive you.
What?!
I'll show Moseby how well I can do without him.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, big girl.
You just drove through a building.
But there are no buildings on the highway.
True, but there are other cars and big trucks
And the occasional cute deer.
This is not a good idea.
You're not going to tell anyone, are you?
Well, only if you do it.
Grab her!
You saw nothing.
Ok, have fun.
You can't do this!
The law requires you
To have a responsible adult driver with you.
Road trip! Whoo-hoo!
Now, Muriel, are you sure you have a valid license?
Oh, loosen up, sweet-cheeks. You're bummin' us out.
London, can't you drive any faster than 20 miles per hour?
Why?
Because we're on an interstate
And people are passing us on bicycles.
I just want to get there and back in one piece.
I just want to get there and back before I'm 30.
Uh-oh. It's the fuzz. Everyone act natural.
How does someone who was forced
Against their will in the middle of the night
To drive down a busy interstate
At 10 miles an hour act natural?
You can start by shutting your yap.
Excuse me, Miss.
Officer, what's the matter? It's not like I was speeding.
I'll say.
Usually when I pull over sports cars,
It's 'cause they're going too fast.
But to catch you, I had to downshift into first.
She's still learning how to drive,
So give her a break, flatfoot.
Tell you what-- Since you're a beginner,
I'll let you off with a warning.
But driving slow can be dangerous, too,
So, in the future... Go faster.
Don't worry. I'm teaching her.
Floor it, baby!
Esteban, have you seen Zack?
I've looked all over for him.
Zack? Zack who?
Uh, never heard of him. Gotta go.
Esteban! Do you like nature films?
Oh, I love nature films.
You ever seen the one about
What a mother bear will do to protect her cubs?
London is driving him to math camp
With Maddie and Muriel.
Don't eat me.
Moseby, Zack took off for math camp.
Splendid. Now they're both gone.
It's like falling in love again.
You don't understand. London is driving.
-Oh, no. -Oh, yeah.
They shouldn't be too hard to find.
We'll just look for the car that's driving in reverse.
Oh, I love the rush of the road. I love the wind in my hair.
How about the bugs in your teeth?
Well, if you keep your yap shut like I told you.
You wouldn't have that problem.
Uh-oh. The cops.
Should I outrun 'em?
No! Pull over!
Ah, keep your knickers on, grandma.
Aw, great.
Now we're never gonna make it to math camp.
Didn't I just stop this car for driving too slow?
I was in a hurry because my dear, darling grandson
Had to get to the hospital.
But he seemed fine before.
Well, we stopped for chili-cheese dogs down the road.
Oh, no. Not dirty dan's.
That's the place.
Hurry, grandma. I think I can see the light.
No! Stay away from the light!
You guys better get going. But drive carefully.
Yes, officer.
Ok, here's one.
I'm a closed geometric figure on the surface of a sphere,
Formed by the arcs of circles.
Challenge us a little.
You're a spherical polygon.
Wow. You guys are good.
-Ow! -What happened?
I sat on my compass.
Well, at least you'll be able to measure
The angle of your scar.
Hey, Cody.
Zack? How'd you guys get up here?
-I was abducted. -And I drove.
Oh, please. If I hadn't taken the wheel,
We'd still be in the hotel parking lot.
-Whoa. Chicks. -And a foxy hen.
That's never happened
In the history of camp knock-a-number.
I got the blonde.
You'll get nothing and like it.
Sassy.
Well, what's up?
We're here to break you out.
Pack your stuff.
Why?
I knew you were having a lousy time.
I got your twin telepathy call.
Well, it must have been your other twin
Because I'm having your a great time.
And I'm really learning a lot.
It's worse than I thought.
Guys, would you mind if I talk to Zack
In private for a minute?
Come on, cutie.
Let's take a stroll down calculus lane.
You know, I've got a calculator that runs on moonlight.
Oh! Let's figure out how rich I am!
Hey, wait for me!
Anybody around between the ages of 25 and 28?!
You know what my twin telepathy is telling me?
You missed me.
You missed me, you missed me
Did not.
Did so.
Did not.
I-it was mom who missed you.
She just sits on the sofa looking at your baby pictures,
Crying, and eating ice cream with a shovel.
Oh. That's funny,
Because she called me tonight after dinner,
And she bragged about how well she was doing on her diet.
Well, she lied.
No. You lied.
You missed me, you missed me
Is that blankie?
Yeah. I thought you might miss it.
I did. Thanks.
So you miss a lousy blanket,
But not your twin brother?
Ok. Maybe I missed you a little.
But not enough to come home early.
Oh. Ok. I understand.
You know, someday, we actually will be apart.
Well, sure. When you're a math professor
And I'm a race car driver- slash-secret agent.
I'll be home in 6 days. Think you can make it?
Sure.
Heck, if London's driving,
We won't even be home for 6 days.
And if Muriel's driving, I'm gonna need blankie.
Why did I have to get the hump?
Well, you could've driven back with Muriel in the other car.
Did I mention how much I love the hump?
Well, I hope you love your room,
Because that's where you're gonna be
Until you are old enough to drive.
Don't ever scare me like that again.
Speaking of which, eyes on the road.
Check your mirrors.
Eyes on the road!
I can't do both.
Would you stop? She's doing fine.
Isn't he the worst?
On the way up here, he actually criticized my driving...
While he was driving!
Well, in all fairness to London,
I have to say,
Even though I was being held against my will--
And my lawyers will be in touch--
She did a pretty good job driving up here.
I suppose I have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.
-Suppose? -Slight?
-Tendency? -A bit?
Ok, ok. I'm sorry, London.
It's ok, Moseby.
Hands on the wheel!
All right! I win again! And you are a loser!
But I'm up 33.8% from my personal best.
If I keep improving at this rate,
I'll beat you in 21 years, 4 months, and 3 days!
Good to have you back, buddy.