1
00:00:04,215 --> 00:00:06,023
Okay. Ahh.
2
00:00:06,143 --> 00:00:10,172
Um, my name is Alex Osbourne,
3
00:00:10,234 --> 00:00:13,632
and if you're watching this,
it means I'm dead.
4
00:00:13,755 --> 00:00:18,092
Or I'm just showing you.
Uh, but I'm probably dead.
5
00:00:18,609 --> 00:00:21,874
To my ex-wife Magda,
I leave herpes.
6
00:00:21,913 --> 00:00:23,780
But she knows that,
it's dealt with.
7
00:00:24,033 --> 00:00:26,228
As for my collection
of Styx albums,
8
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:27,977
I leave that to no one.
9
00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:30,968
Because that's who appreciated
Styx as much as me.
10
00:00:31,375 --> 00:00:34,063
Finally, there's a kid named
Abed who makes movies
11
00:00:34,094 --> 00:00:37,447
at my community college,
and to him I leave the task
12
00:00:37,477 --> 00:00:40,083
of creating a video tribute
of my life.
13
00:00:40,437 --> 00:00:44,757
What follows is some general
purpose footage that he can use.
14
00:00:45,584 --> 00:00:47,018
[Kissing noises]
15
00:00:47,019 --> 00:00:48,586
[Mimics rocket engine]
16
00:00:48,587 --> 00:00:50,188
Where did you get this?
17
00:00:50,189 --> 00:00:52,424
Some one-armed guy with a scar
on his face dropped it off.
18
00:00:52,425 --> 00:00:53,725
He said he was
Star-Burns' lawyer.
19
00:00:53,726 --> 00:00:56,401
How one-armed was he?
Tell me when to stop.
20
00:00:58,564 --> 00:01:00,832
- It was the other arm.
- You guys!
21
00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:02,768
I feel oddly compelled
to fulfill his request.
22
00:01:02,769 --> 00:01:04,369
Would you guys help me write
obituary copy?
23
00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,771
You mean like, "Star-Burns
died how he lived...
24
00:01:06,772 --> 00:01:08,273
in a meth lab explosion"?
25
00:01:08,274 --> 00:01:09,219
Can we turn this off?
26
00:01:09,258 --> 00:01:10,946
I'm not as comfortable
with death as you guys.
27
00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:14,514
- He's in a better place now.
- Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.
28
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:16,527
What is that?
29
00:01:16,552 --> 00:01:18,134
Star-Burns also left me
his ashes.
30
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:19,401
He requested they be burnt.
31
00:01:19,402 --> 00:01:20,702
I don't think he knows
how ashes work.
32
00:01:20,703 --> 00:01:22,053
The small one's his lizard.
33
00:01:22,054 --> 00:01:23,422
If we rub that,
34
00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:25,257
will he come out
and do celebrity impressions?
35
00:01:25,258 --> 00:01:27,624
- I don't think so.
- Then I want it out of here.
36
00:01:27,625 --> 00:01:30,962
♪ Give me some more
time in a dream ♪
37
00:01:30,963 --> 00:01:34,149
♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪
38
00:01:34,150 --> 00:01:37,569
♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪
39
00:01:37,570 --> 00:01:41,606
♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪
40
00:01:41,607 --> 00:01:46,578
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
41
00:01:46,579 --> 00:01:50,782
♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪
44
00:02:02,178 --> 00:02:04,373
about this really serious thing
that's happened?
45
00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:06,829
Is it always about
the Holocaust with you people?
46
00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:10,102
I'm talking about Star-Burns,
you know, dying.
47
00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:12,499
I know it's sad, but death
is a natural part of life
48
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:13,872
and by the time
I finish this sentence,
49
00:02:13,899 --> 00:02:15,417
100 people will have
died in China.
50
00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:19,833
Why did you stop talking?
51
00:02:19,862 --> 00:02:21,174
I have to call my pen pal.
52
00:02:21,191 --> 00:02:22,675
Star-Burns was a good man.
53
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,717
He barely sued me that time
I ran over his foot.
54
00:02:24,742 --> 00:02:26,877
I say we honor Star-Burns
by discussing him
55
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,518
the same amount we did
when he was alive.
56
00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,680
Jeff, have some respect.
57
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,933
He might have been
a scuzzy weirdo
58
00:02:32,951 --> 00:02:34,935
who shaved his sideburns
into star shapes...
59
00:02:35,014 --> 00:02:36,031
Pai Mai?
60
00:02:36,095 --> 00:02:38,345
It's Troy.
Are you okay?
61
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:40,859
Okay, good, I gotta go.
This costs $7.
62
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:45,454
But he was also a classmate,
a kinda sorta friend sometimes
63
00:02:45,474 --> 00:02:47,558
and above all, a human being.
64
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:48,990
He touched all our lives.
65
00:02:49,014 --> 00:02:50,181
Annie has a point.
66
00:02:50,388 --> 00:02:52,623
The death of a peer,
especially at our age,
67
00:02:52,624 --> 00:02:54,808
can trigger a whole
range of emotions.
68
00:02:54,809 --> 00:02:56,578
- As a psychologist...
- Student.
69
00:02:56,615 --> 00:02:58,481
- I hereby offer my licensed...
- Unlicensed.
70
00:02:58,522 --> 00:02:59,749
Services as a grief counselor.
71
00:02:59,783 --> 00:03:01,944
- Grief causer.
- If anyone needs to talk,
72
00:03:01,983 --> 00:03:03,256
- the doctor...
- Not even close.
73
00:03:03,286 --> 00:03:04,335
Is in.
74
00:03:04,376 --> 00:03:07,102
Britta, I could use some help
dealing with my grief.
75
00:03:07,155 --> 00:03:07,975
- Great.
- Yeah.
76
00:03:08,008 --> 00:03:13,012
I was hoping you'd say that,
because... I came prepared.
77
00:03:14,418 --> 00:03:16,207
You seemed smarter
than me when I met you.
78
00:03:16,235 --> 00:03:17,150
Thank you.
79
00:03:17,173 --> 00:03:18,891
For the purposes
of this exercise,
80
00:03:18,987 --> 00:03:21,323
I am Star-Burns.
81
00:03:21,344 --> 00:03:23,862
Tell me the things you never got
a chance to say to me.
82
00:03:27,737 --> 00:03:30,406
Come on, guys,
you can ask me anything.
83
00:03:30,407 --> 00:03:31,457
What's heaven like?
84
00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:33,942
Uh, I don't know.
Glittery.
85
00:03:33,943 --> 00:03:36,245
- Ask me something else.
- Have you seen Tim Russert?
86
00:03:36,246 --> 00:03:39,114
Guys, you are doing this wrong.
Ask me something personal.
87
00:03:39,115 --> 00:03:40,532
Star-Burns,
I didn't know you that well,
88
00:03:40,533 --> 00:03:42,001
but why did you smell
exactly like salami?
89
00:03:42,002 --> 00:03:44,336
- Abed.
- I got one. Where's my comb?
90
00:03:44,337 --> 00:03:45,921
- I don't know.
- Yep, it's him.
91
00:03:45,922 --> 00:03:47,756
Why did you tape that
switchblade to your ankle?
92
00:03:47,757 --> 00:03:49,458
Why did you always poop
with the stall door open?
93
00:03:49,459 --> 00:03:50,643
Is it true you made out
with Britta?
94
00:03:50,644 --> 00:03:51,810
I don't see
how that's relevant.
95
00:03:51,811 --> 00:03:53,395
It was Fat Neil's
black light party.
96
00:03:53,396 --> 00:03:55,848
Vicki saw you.
If that's true...
97
00:03:55,849 --> 00:03:59,652
if... maybe it was because
she was really drunk
98
00:03:59,653 --> 00:04:00,802
and she had just found out
99
00:04:00,803 --> 00:04:02,671
that her first boyfriend
was getting married.
100
00:04:02,672 --> 00:04:04,156
If you guys are gonna
do this wrong,
101
00:04:04,157 --> 00:04:05,574
then I'm gonna take these off.
102
00:04:05,575 --> 00:04:06,349
Ow!
103
00:04:06,358 --> 00:04:08,563
Okay, grief counseling
is growing on me.
104
00:04:08,778 --> 00:04:12,581
♪ Come on, I'm Dean
and my hands are so clean ♪
105
00:04:12,582 --> 00:04:16,669
♪ At this moment
I am stapling ♪
106
00:04:16,670 --> 00:04:20,756
- Ben Chang is here.
- Ah, send him in.
107
00:04:22,992 --> 00:04:25,511
- Ben, how's it "deaning"?
- Can't "com-Chang."
108
00:04:25,512 --> 00:04:29,048
- Just needed you to sign this.
- Okay.
109
00:04:29,049 --> 00:04:33,602
Let's just... give this
a little look-a-roo.
110
00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:36,055
"Request for increased
security."
111
00:04:36,056 --> 00:04:37,673
"Cool new uniforms."
I like that.
112
00:04:37,674 --> 00:04:40,442
"Power to enact martial law,"
not so much.
113
00:04:40,443 --> 00:04:43,362
"Indefinite detention,
pepper spray,
114
00:04:43,363 --> 00:04:47,316
involuntary cavity searches...
no soft-serve"?
115
00:04:47,317 --> 00:04:49,451
All liquids and gels
must be in sealed bottles
116
00:04:49,452 --> 00:04:50,736
no larger than 3 ounces.
117
00:04:50,737 --> 00:04:53,355
I'm sorry, Chang,
this stuff is too extreme.
118
00:04:53,356 --> 00:04:55,958
This is a community college,
not an inner-city High School.
119
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:58,043
It's a community college
where a degenerate
120
00:04:58,044 --> 00:05:00,329
just blew himself up
with stolen lab equipment.
121
00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:02,331
To be fair,
it was the crystal meth
122
00:05:02,332 --> 00:05:05,334
inside the stolen lab equipment
that blew him up.
123
00:05:05,335 --> 00:05:07,202
That's the problem with you
civilian suits.
124
00:05:07,203 --> 00:05:09,304
You want the results,
but you don't want to know
125
00:05:09,305 --> 00:05:10,589
how the sausage gets made.
126
00:05:10,590 --> 00:05:12,541
Well, I'll tell you
how the sausage gets made.
127
00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:14,876
It's a lot of ground meat and it
gets stuffed into a casing
128
00:05:14,877 --> 00:05:17,212
that looks like a cross between
a dude's dong and a poop.
129
00:05:17,213 --> 00:05:19,982
I don't know how that helps
me, but please leave.
130
00:05:19,983 --> 00:05:22,017
Fine, but you will regret this.
131
00:05:22,018 --> 00:05:25,270
I doubt it.
132
00:05:25,271 --> 00:05:27,272
This just came for you.
133
00:05:29,526 --> 00:05:31,193
[Sighs] Great.
134
00:05:31,194 --> 00:05:34,396
I have to give more bad news
to Jeff and his study group.
135
00:05:34,397 --> 00:05:37,098
Hold my calls,
I have to pick an outfit.
136
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,643
Who wants to dance?
137
00:05:43,707 --> 00:05:45,741
Nice work, everyone.
138
00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:49,077
Now think about that last
little puppy in that basket
139
00:05:49,078 --> 00:05:51,380
out of all those puppies.
140
00:05:51,381 --> 00:05:54,600
And now...
he's catching fire too.
141
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,385
[Sobs]
142
00:05:56,386 --> 00:05:59,521
Britta! Why are you making us
feel these things?
143
00:05:59,522 --> 00:06:01,256
We need to bring
our emotions to the surface
144
00:06:01,257 --> 00:06:02,524
and explore them.
145
00:06:02,525 --> 00:06:04,093
Does it always
have to be puppies though?
146
00:06:04,094 --> 00:06:05,611
Oh, come on, everybody.
147
00:06:05,612 --> 00:06:07,613
This is a completely
unnecessary process.
148
00:06:07,614 --> 00:06:09,364
What Jeff's doing right now
is called denial
149
00:06:09,365 --> 00:06:11,433
and it is the first
of five stages of grief
150
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:13,306
that ends with acceptance.
151
00:06:13,342 --> 00:06:15,276
- Name any other stage.
- What are you, my final?
152
00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:17,358
Maybe we don't need
grief counseling.
153
00:06:17,407 --> 00:06:19,107
But seems like
the least we could do
154
00:06:19,108 --> 00:06:20,743
is have a memorial
or something.
155
00:06:20,744 --> 00:06:23,078
Oh, yes, we could
have a little service
156
00:06:23,079 --> 00:06:24,463
and I could bring
some of my brownies
157
00:06:24,464 --> 00:06:26,381
and I guess someone
should sing Ave Maria.
158
00:06:26,382 --> 00:06:28,000
I mean,
I can do it. Whatever.
159
00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:29,785
Sure, why not
drag it out for weeks?
160
00:06:29,786 --> 00:06:31,920
Why not wallow
for the rest of our lives
161
00:06:31,921 --> 00:06:33,288
and never get anything done?
162
00:06:33,289 --> 00:06:37,059
Or we could just admit
the simple fact that one day,
163
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:40,629
something is in your life
and one day, it's not.
164
00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:43,732
Dean-jour, mes amis!
[Chuckling]
165
00:06:43,733 --> 00:06:45,150
Unfortunately, due to the whole
166
00:06:45,151 --> 00:06:47,186
Star-Burns
meth lab explosion,
167
00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:49,071
Professor Kane has resigned,
168
00:06:49,072 --> 00:06:51,857
and you biology class
has been can-can-cancelled.
169
00:06:51,858 --> 00:06:54,409
[Chuckling]
170
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:55,911
Your grade is now
an incomplete.
171
00:06:55,912 --> 00:06:57,813
You'll have to make up
the credit in the summer.
172
00:06:57,814 --> 00:06:59,248
[Gasps]
173
00:07:01,904 --> 00:07:05,111
My summer is gone?
174
00:07:06,273 --> 00:07:08,274
[Crying] No.
175
00:07:08,424 --> 00:07:12,628
No!
176
00:07:12,629 --> 00:07:13,568
Well, I had a little
177
00:07:13,595 --> 00:07:15,463
rockette kick-line thing
planned, but...
178
00:07:16,183 --> 00:07:19,185
[Sobbing]
179
00:07:33,197 --> 00:07:37,116
♪ Ave ♪
180
00:07:37,117 --> 00:07:41,455
♪ Mariii... ♪
181
00:07:41,496 --> 00:07:45,832
♪ Iaaa ♪
182
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,264
Okay.
183
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,805
That was Garrett singing,
um, Ave Maria?
184
00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:52,281
Ave Maria!
185
00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:54,167
Uh, now, Shirley,
I understand you wanted
186
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:56,202
- to sing something as well?
- No, thank you.
187
00:07:56,203 --> 00:07:58,704
Okay, then let's move on
to the eulogies.
188
00:07:58,705 --> 00:08:00,506
Does anyone have anything
they wanna say
189
00:08:00,507 --> 00:08:02,141
in the memory of Star-Burns?
190
00:08:02,142 --> 00:08:06,946
Oh... Because his sideburns
were shaped like stars.
191
00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:09,398
I just got it.
I just got that.
192
00:08:09,399 --> 00:08:10,450
Anything at all.
193
00:08:10,451 --> 00:08:12,819
This is a safe place to say
194
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:14,570
- what you're feeling.
- I'll say something.
195
00:08:14,571 --> 00:08:16,355
Oh, oh.
196
00:08:16,356 --> 00:08:19,859
[Light applause]
197
00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:23,146
After learning about
Star-Burns' death,
198
00:08:23,147 --> 00:08:26,866
I personally went through
the stages of grief
199
00:08:26,867 --> 00:08:28,451
and have now arrived
200
00:08:28,452 --> 00:08:31,087
at the final one...
acceptance.
201
00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:32,338
Whoo! Closure!
202
00:08:32,339 --> 00:08:34,307
Acceptance that this place...
203
00:08:34,308 --> 00:08:38,294
This Fallujah
of higher learning...
204
00:08:38,295 --> 00:08:41,597
is a prison from which
none of us will ever escape.
205
00:08:41,598 --> 00:08:43,349
Okay, Jeffrey, now we're
mixing metaphors here...
206
00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:45,545
And it turns out...
207
00:08:46,136 --> 00:08:49,832
that Star-Burns,
this man in this urn,
208
00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:53,893
was a hero to us the whole time
because he did the one thing
209
00:08:53,894 --> 00:08:57,280
that none of us
ever tried to do.
210
00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:59,408
He got out.
211
00:09:01,201 --> 00:09:03,753
And then he exploded.
212
00:09:03,754 --> 00:09:06,572
Because Greendale
hates its students.
213
00:09:06,573 --> 00:09:07,957
No. No.
214
00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:09,258
It sucks the lives
from their bodies
215
00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:11,260
and forces
their desiccated husks
216
00:09:11,261 --> 00:09:13,045
to attend summer school.
217
00:09:13,046 --> 00:09:15,080
Okay, Jeffrey,
this is a funeral.
218
00:09:15,081 --> 00:09:16,182
Let's keep it light.
219
00:09:16,183 --> 00:09:18,100
Annie, Annie,
maybe you could say
220
00:09:18,101 --> 00:09:19,843
something nice
about Star-Burns.
221
00:09:19,885 --> 00:09:22,257
Get some sugar
to go with that spice.
222
00:09:22,306 --> 00:09:24,307
Way to go, Jeff.
223
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:30,863
Star-Burns or Alex,
as he like to be called,
224
00:09:30,864 --> 00:09:32,899
was a human being.
225
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,151
A Greendale human being...
226
00:09:35,152 --> 00:09:38,538
Like me.
227
00:09:38,539 --> 00:09:41,874
I've given this place
my childhood,
228
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:44,961
my enthusiasm, and my loyalty,
229
00:09:44,962 --> 00:09:47,947
and in return,
Greendale has warped me
230
00:09:47,948 --> 00:09:50,049
like a Barbie in a microwave.
231
00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:53,786
Our school flag is an anus!
232
00:09:53,787 --> 00:09:54,971
You were the guys who drew it.
233
00:09:54,972 --> 00:09:56,339
We're not even the best
234
00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:59,225
community college
in our community.
235
00:09:59,226 --> 00:10:01,727
Let that sink in.
236
00:10:01,728 --> 00:10:06,182
And the cherry on top on this
total lack of sundae...
237
00:10:06,183 --> 00:10:11,354
I'm failing a remedial biology
class on a technicality
238
00:10:11,355 --> 00:10:14,640
all because you don't know
how to run a school.
239
00:10:14,641 --> 00:10:16,993
- Oh, that's...
- Shame on you, Dean.
240
00:10:16,994 --> 00:10:19,745
Shame... on... you!
241
00:10:19,746 --> 00:10:22,198
Edison out.
[Feedback on microphone]
242
00:10:22,199 --> 00:10:25,918
[Cheers and applause]
243
00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:27,203
Wow.
244
00:10:27,204 --> 00:10:32,258
Let's maybe not drop
the $50 mics, okay, guys?
245
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,226
Shirley, you love Jesus.
246
00:10:34,227 --> 00:10:36,161
I think we all could use
247
00:10:36,162 --> 00:10:38,965
some good old-fashioned
religion right now.
248
00:10:38,966 --> 00:10:40,466
[Applause]
249
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:43,102
Well, uh, all right.
250
00:10:43,103 --> 00:10:45,388
Um, Star-Burns, I'm told,
251
00:10:45,389 --> 00:10:47,290
um, was a drug dealer.
252
00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:49,275
Which, of course,
is not good behavior.
253
00:10:49,276 --> 00:10:51,176
Which... but he...
it was a business.
254
00:10:51,177 --> 00:10:53,646
Um, he had
an entrepreneurial spirit.
255
00:10:53,647 --> 00:10:55,314
Amen.
256
00:10:55,315 --> 00:10:57,366
I had an entrepreneurial
spirit.
257
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:59,318
I had dreams.
258
00:10:59,319 --> 00:11:03,122
Dreams of opening a sandwich
shop in this cafeteria.
259
00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:05,791
And Greendale listened
to those dreams...
260
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:07,660
And stole them...
261
00:11:07,661 --> 00:11:10,696
And sold them to Subway.
262
00:11:10,697 --> 00:11:16,252
[Crowd shouts and yells]
263
00:11:16,253 --> 00:11:18,037
Worst wake ever.
264
00:11:18,038 --> 00:11:19,872
I'm starting to get nervous
about this.
265
00:11:19,873 --> 00:11:22,725
Yep, it'd be nice to have
some protection, right?
266
00:11:22,726 --> 00:11:26,812
Think maybe it's about
time you signed this?
267
00:11:26,813 --> 00:11:30,816
Just promise me
you'll use restraint.
268
00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:32,902
Yep. Every type we got.
269
00:11:32,903 --> 00:11:36,856
- Gentlemen!
- All hail Chang!
270
00:11:36,857 --> 00:11:39,008
This is the day we've been
waiting for.
271
00:11:39,009 --> 00:11:40,409
Suit... up!
272
00:11:40,410 --> 00:11:41,911
[All cheer]
273
00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:44,196
♪ When I say Greendale,
you say sucks ♪
274
00:11:44,197 --> 00:11:48,334
- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪
275
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:50,736
- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪
276
00:11:50,737 --> 00:11:52,254
- Peace.
- Boo boo boo.
277
00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:55,407
No, no, no, no,
no, no, oh, no, you don't.
278
00:11:55,408 --> 00:11:56,909
[All booing]
279
00:11:56,910 --> 00:12:00,179
Look, I don't know how this
got out of hand either.
280
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:04,266
But as a student who's been
at Greendale for over a decade,
281
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:08,220
I think I've earned the right
to say a few final words.
282
00:12:08,221 --> 00:12:11,357
Let him talk!
283
00:12:11,358 --> 00:12:15,778
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you, thank you.
284
00:12:15,779 --> 00:12:18,430
Let's burn this mother down!
285
00:12:18,431 --> 00:12:21,767
Yeah!
286
00:12:21,768 --> 00:12:24,770
Helter skelter!
287
00:12:24,771 --> 00:12:25,788
No, no, no!
288
00:12:25,789 --> 00:12:28,741
[Chaotic screaming]
289
00:12:32,079 --> 00:12:35,614
I'm gonna take everything
but onions and olives.
290
00:12:35,615 --> 00:12:38,551
I know my comb's in here,
you son of a bitch!
291
00:12:42,556 --> 00:12:44,557
[Gasps]
292
00:12:47,644 --> 00:12:51,597
Look, tiny riot gear.
Aww.
293
00:12:51,598 --> 00:12:53,099
[Screams]
294
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:58,187
[Scattered screaming]
295
00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:02,274
It's so peppery!
296
00:13:02,275 --> 00:13:05,111
Oh, no.
297
00:13:05,112 --> 00:13:08,114
[Maniacal laugh]
298
00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:21,076
Strange, I'm not finding any
pepper spray on you.
299
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:22,394
Well, check harder.
300
00:13:22,395 --> 00:13:24,763
It's not like I'm crying
because I was chased
301
00:13:24,764 --> 00:13:27,148
by the gang
of scary 12-year-olds.
302
00:13:27,149 --> 00:13:29,985
No entry, we're guarding
General Chang's prisoners.
303
00:13:29,986 --> 00:13:31,186
Okay, this is my school,
304
00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:33,438
and I will enter
whatever I want.
305
00:13:33,439 --> 00:13:36,191
Well, Subway has threatened
to pull out of Greendale
306
00:13:36,192 --> 00:13:38,193
and the school board
is furious.
307
00:13:38,194 --> 00:13:40,829
Tomorrow, they are having
a hearing to investigate
308
00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:45,900
the ringleaders of the riot,
aka the Greendale Seven.
309
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:47,419
Catchy.
310
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:49,537
How about Pierce Hawthorne
and the Greendale Six?
311
00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:53,074
- Pierce!
- How about the Greendale Five?
312
00:13:53,075 --> 00:13:56,294
- I'm such a bad Dean.
- No, you're not.
313
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,578
Well, you are.
314
00:13:57,579 --> 00:14:00,465
But...
We're worse students.
315
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:02,183
While you tried to save
Greendale,
316
00:14:02,184 --> 00:14:04,252
we trashed the school
like a TV commercial
317
00:14:04,253 --> 00:14:05,854
where the teacher
banned skittles.
318
00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:08,356
That's sweet of you
to say, Jeffrey.
319
00:14:08,357 --> 00:14:11,259
But it doesn't change the fact
that we're all Ted Danson
320
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,727
at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.
321
00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:16,481
What if we all back
each other up to the board
322
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:18,867
and explain the we were
all experiencing
323
00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:20,652
"funeral crazies"?
324
00:14:20,653 --> 00:14:23,455
I can say that's a thing
because I'm a psych major.
325
00:14:23,456 --> 00:14:26,941
Ugh, they're still
going to need a fall guy.
326
00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:28,710
How about the crazy man who...
327
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:33,715
commanded a bunch of preteens
to spray poison in our faces?
328
00:14:33,716 --> 00:14:35,750
You know what?
329
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:39,387
It was right under our noses,
wasn't it?
330
00:14:39,388 --> 00:14:41,056
Group hug...
331
00:14:41,057 --> 00:14:42,807
Where I'm between
Jeff and Troy.
332
00:14:42,808 --> 00:14:45,760
Here we go... oop, you're
walking away from the hug.
333
00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:53,018
Hey there, Ben.
334
00:14:53,019 --> 00:14:55,186
Would you mind scooching
from my desk?
335
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,322
Got some testimony
to get prepared
336
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,640
for the school board
meeting tomorrowsies.
337
00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:01,609
That testimony wouldn't
happen to involve
338
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,161
pinning the riot on me.
339
00:15:03,162 --> 00:15:06,498
Ben, I'm sorry,
but this has gone too far.
340
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:09,150
I regret issuing those
extraordinary powers to you.
341
00:15:09,151 --> 00:15:11,652
I regret letting this child army
get out of hand.
342
00:15:11,653 --> 00:15:14,322
I regret giving you that
unasked for adult back rub
343
00:15:14,323 --> 00:15:15,790
when you were asleep that once.
344
00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:17,213
[Inhales]
345
00:15:17,225 --> 00:15:18,604
I think we're gonna
have to let you go.
346
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,128
Nuh-uh, ain't happening.
347
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,280
I always knew this
day would come.
348
00:15:22,281 --> 00:15:26,301
Now the only person getting
replaced around here is you.
349
00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:30,271
Oh, my God, it's me.
350
00:15:30,272 --> 00:15:34,776
Ugh! I will...
351
00:15:34,777 --> 00:15:38,813
The single worst wake riot
this district has ever seen.
352
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:41,149
And we've seen our share.
353
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:45,686
Tables, chairs, floors,
ceilings, all affected.
354
00:15:45,687 --> 00:15:50,125
A campus already in mourning
is pushed into chaos.
355
00:15:50,126 --> 00:15:52,193
And sitting here facing me now,
356
00:15:52,194 --> 00:15:54,295
the so-called
Greendale Seven...
357
00:15:54,296 --> 00:15:56,881
Reportedly responsible
for inciting
358
00:15:56,882 --> 00:15:58,883
the entire chain of events.
359
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:04,204
This is some
pretty serious stuff.
360
00:16:05,091 --> 00:16:10,803
Sir... Although my friends and I
behaved somewhat irresponsibly,
361
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:14,983
we shouldn't forget about
the circumstances on campus.
362
00:16:14,984 --> 00:16:17,102
We had just lost a classmate.
363
00:16:17,103 --> 00:16:22,774
And a lizard...
Your Majesty.
364
00:16:22,775 --> 00:16:26,227
It was an emotional time
and we acted emotionally.
365
00:16:26,228 --> 00:16:30,248
But the real question is,
how did the school respond?
366
00:16:30,249 --> 00:16:35,120
The riot was exacerbated
by the school security staff's
367
00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:38,173
heavy-handed and, frankly,
insane response.
368
00:16:38,174 --> 00:16:40,458
[Knock on door] Hey, everyone.
369
00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:41,960
Oh, so sorry
to pop in like this.
370
00:16:41,961 --> 00:16:43,261
I really hope I'm not
interrupting.
371
00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:44,596
Just wanted to see how
everything's going,
372
00:16:44,597 --> 00:16:47,382
and those are for you fellas.
373
00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:49,350
I never forget a face
or a favorite cookie.
374
00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:51,586
And I brought extras,
because I know how Richie
375
00:16:51,587 --> 00:16:54,139
got into that
last basket I brought.
376
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:56,474
Probably good to have a backup.
377
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:59,194
I did. I did get into
them pretty good.
378
00:16:59,656 --> 00:17:01,350
So everything going okay?
379
00:17:01,393 --> 00:17:03,164
Or are you guys going to
trash this building too?
380
00:17:03,199 --> 00:17:05,533
Yeah, we were just going
over the charges.
381
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:07,869
Seems like you had your hands
full with these individuals.
382
00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:09,454
This is crazy.
383
00:17:09,455 --> 00:17:11,539
- You guys are really buying this?
- Excuse me?
384
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:14,209
Chang is a psychopathic
wannabe warlord
385
00:17:14,210 --> 00:17:16,878
with an army
of prepubescent thugs.
386
00:17:16,879 --> 00:17:19,414
He was living in the school's
air vent system
387
00:17:19,415 --> 00:17:20,798
with a monkey!
388
00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:22,050
That's not...
389
00:17:22,051 --> 00:17:23,784
Well, where's the Dean?
He'll tell you.
390
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,137
Hey, guys.
Can't stay, gotta run,
391
00:17:26,138 --> 00:17:29,140
but, uh, these troublemakers
have got to go.
392
00:17:31,644 --> 00:17:33,294
I think I've heard enough,
393
00:17:33,295 --> 00:17:35,880
and I don't see
what choice I have.
394
00:17:35,881 --> 00:17:37,398
Greendale Seven...
395
00:17:37,399 --> 00:17:38,600
Jeff Winger,
396
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:39,601
Annie Edison,
397
00:17:39,602 --> 00:17:40,602
Pierce Hawthorne,
398
00:17:40,603 --> 00:17:41,736
Britta Perry,
399
00:17:41,737 --> 00:17:42,737
Shirley Bennet,
400
00:17:42,738 --> 00:17:44,105
Abed Nadir,
401
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,490
Troy Barnes,
402
00:17:45,491 --> 00:17:49,827
you are hereby expelled from
Greendale Community College.
403
00:17:49,828 --> 00:17:53,615
May God have mercy
on your souls.
404
00:17:53,616 --> 00:17:56,201
Rusty bucket?
Rusty bucket?
405
00:17:56,202 --> 00:17:57,335
- Rusty bucket?
- Yep.
406
00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:59,621
Okay, transform and roll out.
407
00:17:59,622 --> 00:18:01,623
[Chuckles]
408
00:18:06,875 --> 00:18:09,869
13 years of college
down the drain.
409
00:18:09,885 --> 00:18:11,454
I was gonna be
the first one in my family
410
00:18:11,485 --> 00:18:13,757
to graduate from
community college.
411
00:18:13,764 --> 00:18:16,016
Everyone else graduated
from normal college.
412
00:18:16,557 --> 00:18:18,900
Now they're really gonna
give me a hard time.
413
00:18:19,294 --> 00:18:20,569
You're drinking?
414
00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:23,118
Yeah, well, my life can't
get double ruined.
415
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:26,540
Can't believe we're expelled.
Greendale was our home.
416
00:18:26,555 --> 00:18:28,273
Britta, isn't it time
for you to explain
417
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,807
that every failure
is also an opportunity?
418
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:32,160
- Whatever, I'm the worst.
- I'm also the worst.
419
00:18:32,161 --> 00:18:35,029
Not gonna argue,
but I am gonna forgive you.
420
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,782
[Doorbell buzzes]
That's the pizza.
421
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,338
Roll a die to see who gets it?
422
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:41,760
I'll get it.
423
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,917
You guys remember our
housewarming party?
424
00:18:44,945 --> 00:18:46,508
What would have happened
if I had just let Jeff
425
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:47,609
roll the die that night?
426
00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:49,093
I assumed this was
the best timeline,
427
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,128
but what if it's the darkest?
428
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,245
Well, I don't
think anyone knows
429
00:18:51,246 --> 00:18:52,246
what you're talking about,
430
00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:55,111
but it does seem like things
couldn't get any worse.
431
00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:04,117
No.
432
00:19:04,407 --> 00:19:06,258
We're all gonna
get through this.
433
00:19:06,439 --> 00:19:09,024
We're all alive
and we're all fine.
434
00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:12,534
And Britta,
you're not the worst.
435
00:19:13,106 --> 00:19:16,094
You're the best.
436
00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:18,829
He's right.
Things are bad.
437
00:19:19,713 --> 00:19:21,424
But we're together.
438
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,044
That makes this
the perfect timeline.
439
00:19:23,045 --> 00:19:25,446
Wait.
There are other timelines?
440
00:19:28,617 --> 00:19:32,754
[Chuckles]
441
00:19:33,216 --> 00:19:35,217
Pizza time.
442
00:19:42,645 --> 00:19:45,647
[Chuckling, chattering]
443
00:19:54,688 --> 00:19:57,691
[Rock music]
444
00:19:57,950 --> 00:20:00,055
♪ ♪
445
00:20:03,831 --> 00:20:07,134
[Crowd cheers]
446
00:20:07,135 --> 00:20:10,020
♪ ♪
447
00:20:10,193 --> 00:20:12,811
♪ You never see the dawn ♪
448
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:16,264
♪ When you have blood
in your eyes ♪
449
00:20:16,265 --> 00:20:18,767
♪ The night will fight
with steel ♪
450
00:20:18,768 --> 00:20:22,721
♪ Until it brings you down ♪
451
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,856
♪ Star-Burns ♪
452
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,659
♪ Burn the night sky alive ♪
453
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:28,827
[Grunts]
454
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,729
♪ Star-Burns ♪
455
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:34,700
♪ Burn for his country
and honor ♪
456
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:38,553
♪ He will never die ♪