Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to the land of
$2 windows and quarter horses.
Racing has been called the sport of kings.
But, here at the $2 window,
I have met relatively few of them.
Well, apparently there is no business like show business.
And speaking of shows,
we have one following the next race.
The flag is up!
Those of you who wish to bet may still do so.
Naturally, I can't give you any tips.
But, there is one entry that has been timed
at just one minute flat.
Ah, there he is now.
They are off and running.
A brandy, please. A brandy? Yes, miss.
Thank you. I'll put it on myself.
So?
You should have that brandy after breakfast, not before.
Listen, I don't mean to overstep myself, but would you like
to join me in a pot of coffee?
Why?
I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it.
I just thought, if we sat down at the table,
your shoe wouldn't have so far to fall.
Send the waiter over, will you?
Oh, is that enough?
I think so, miss, especially since you didn't drink it all.
Thank you.
Just coffee, please.
Oh, why don't you have some breakfast?
I've still got $1.86 left and uh,
a chip. But I need the chip for tonight.
Coffee will be fine. I guess, it's gonna be coffee.
And, uh. Where'd you say you were from?
I didn't,
but the answer is Moscow.
You are an awful lot to cope with at 8:00 in the morning.
Moscow, Idaho, that is.
We're having some sort of a cultural exchange
Better eat this, then, for energy.
Thank you.
May I, please?
Thank you.
You are both very nice and very young,
and you are very kind.
Oh, I didn't have any coffee yet myself.
I like the pleasant company of young people.
Do you mind?
Another cup of coffee, please,
and anything my young friends might like to have.
Nothing, thank you.
You know, I have always liked the informality of Vegas,
and you meet such interesting people.
You new to each other?
No, no, no. This is my aunt. She is from Moscow, Idaho.
No, the only reason she looks so sweet and sexy
is that she doesn't have a care in the world.
Oh, look at that.
May I?
Oh, interesting lighter you have. Excuse me?
The lighter. It's interesting. It's efficient.
That's the best lighter money can buy,
99 cents at your corner drugstore.
You see what I mean? It never misses.
Never misses?
Never?
Well, I'm not a firebug,
I never took a whole day off to test a 99 cent lighter.
Bye now.
Wait, wait.
I don't want you to go.
Suppose we make a nice, nice bet on,
well, how efficient is this lighter of yours
that you are so proud of?
Now, look, mister. I didn't say I want to wear it as a badge.
All I said was, it's a good lighter and it works.
And would you bet on that?
Ah, sure. I'll bet you it lights three times out of three.
I'll, uh, bet you a quarter.
Pardon me, folks.
But, I've got a weakness for these
barroom propositions. Mind if I listen in?
No, no, no.
It's a nice big bet I had in mind for you, a bet
you could remember all your life.
Look, mister. I have got one chip.
And $1.86.
Now, $1.86 says it will work.
That's as high as I go.
But, you don't understand.
You see, I'm a very rich man
and I'm a sporting man.
My car is right outside.
It's a beautiful convertible. It is this year's model.
What about it? Well, I'll tell you what about it.
The car is part of the bet.
But we'll go up to my rooms, because
there is no wind. No draft
from opening and closing doors, you understand.
Now, the bet is really very simple.
If you can make this celebrated lighter of yours
work for you ten times without missing...
Ten times in succession, mind you.
Then the car is yours.
What do I put up, my spare set of pajamas?
No.
Look, I'm devoted to gambling.
But, I have never asked anybody to put up more than he can afford to lose.
Yeah? What, for instance?
Oh, I'm going to make it easy for you.
Easy for you to win a car, I mean.
Is that all right?
I'm listening. I like the easy part.
Well, I'm thinking of some small thing,
that you could afford to give away.
And if you lose? Why, you won't have to feel so bad. Such as,
such as the little finger on your left hand.
My what?
Is that so strange?
He wins, he takes the car. I win, I take his finger.
Is that so strange? Wow!
I have been hanging around barrooms half my life,
I never heard anything like this before.
Isn't it fair?
Don't ask me. Ask him.
Now, what do you mean, if I lose, you "take" the finger?
How else? I chop it off!
Let's get out of here. No, no, no. Wait a minute.
Is it a bet?
I don't think so.
I see.
I understand.
I understand very easily. It must be
like I have been reading so many times.
You know, that the generation,
the young generation grows soft.
That the starch is leaving their spine.
You oughta tell that to the Boy Scouts, but I guarantee you one thing.
If you go around the old campfire, lopping off fingertips,
you're going to get thrown out, right on your ear.
Is that so? That's so.
I know it's crazy. But, it's up to you.
This gentleman here, if he would be
so kind, he could act as our referee.
Here are the keys to the car. What do you say?
I don't really know.
Don't listen to him.
Now, let me get this straight.
You want me to go up to your room.
And if I light this 10 times in a row,
I get the convertible.
That's correct. If I miss just once...
That's right. Just once.
I forfeit the little finger on my left hand.
Now, you understand.
Everything is perfectly correct. Except...
Except that I can see you are afraid.
I wouldn't worry about that.
As I said before. Let's get away from this old bloody bloke.
Let's get out of here! Relax, relax.
Now, just one other thing.
I'd like to see the convertible. Hmm?
Of course, you'd like to see the car.
And I'll have drinks sent up to the room just as soon as you say so.
Will you all please follow me?
You coming?
Pardon me,
very careless of someone, wasn't it?
Dracula's daughter, no doubt.
Have her come in off the drain pipe. She might catch cold.
Listen to me.
I don't know you very well, but you could be a real nice guy.
Do you have to do anything as crazy as this?
I like convertibles.
I think.
Be comfortable.
The drinks you ordered from downstairs, sir.
Put it
right here. On that table.
Yes, sir.
Anything else, sir?
Yes, we want to play a game.
Sort of a game.
A game?
Oh. Yes, sir.
Now, let's see. I need four things for it.
I need some nails.
Some nails. Yes, sir. A hammer.
A hammer.
Then I need a length of good strong cord.
And a chopping knife.
A what, sir?
Chopping knife that you can borrow from the kitchen.
A real chopping knife?
A butcher's chopping knife. It's part of the game.
I mean, that might not be too easy, sir.
They're gonna ask why.
They'll probably say...
Well, they'll say a chopping knife don't go too good with martinis.
You're not going to tell me that at half past eight in the morning there will be a chef
to ask many questions, will there?
Well.
No, sir.
Oh, uh!
Before we start. I'd like to present
the referee with the keys to the car.
The registration papers and the insurance papers,
they are right in the glove compartment. Fair?
Fair?
You sure you wanna go through with this?
Well, you'll pardon a bad joke but, uh...
It's no skin off me.
Yeah, I wanna go through with it.
Hello, stupid.
Hey!
Things are looking up.
You got enough fluid in that thing?
Yeah, I think so. Cotton's still wet.
I think it'll be better to leave it this way than to flood it with lighter fluid.
Wick's okay.
And...
Flint's all right.
Save it for the World Series. Do you mind?
What's he doing?
That's fine. Thank you, very much.
The monster! You'd think he'd just blown out the candles on a birthday cake.
Over here, please.
Just for size, if you don't mind.
What? I want your left hand.
To measure it.
I think you better sit down.
That's it. You may take your hand away now.
It took some sleight of hand in the kitchen for that meat ax, sir.
But the other things, I had no trouble with.
I think I need another drink.
Everything is fine.
Just what the doctor ordered, huh?
Doctor?
Who said anything about a doctor?
Oh, no! All I meant was...
This is all fine. I'll call for you when I need you.
And, see that we are not disturbed.
It's a private game. Oh, yes, sir.
I think, I think we are in business.
Sit down, please.
Now, you understand...
You put your hand between the nails.
That's right.
Can I have another drink, please?
How is that? Good?
Oh, yeah, fine. Real snug.
It's the greatest thing since the invention of the rat trap.
Here you are. Many thanks.
Now, will you please clench your fist.
That's fine.
Just fine.
Except, that the little finger should be sticking out.
Alone.
Mr. Referee, you can give the word to begin.
Well?
You're ready?
Mmm-hmm.
How about you?
I'm ready.
You mind keeping count?
Let me know how many times I light this thing?
Yeah, sure. I'll do that.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
You all right?
I'll be all right, until you miss.
Five.
Well, you're halfway home.
Six.
Seven.
Carlos!
Carlos.
Give it to me, Carlos. Give it to me now.
Why, Carlos? Why would you do this thing again?
I just wanted to make a little bet.
I'm sorry.
I am so terribly sorry this should happen again.
I went to Los Angeles yesterday.
But, I knew, I should not leave him alone.
And I took the first plane back I could get.
Oh, Carlos.
You should be ashamed.
He is a menace, of course.
In the islands, where we used to live,
he took 47 fingers
from different people.
And he lost 11 cars.
It was when they threatened to have him put away, that we finally moved up here.
How foolish and reckless young people can be.
Just trying to prove they are brave.
Yeah, I guess it's one of those things.
Did he bet you a car?
That's right.
A convertible. He has no car.
The car is mine, and he knows it is mine.
That is what makes it so contemptible.
That he should bet with what he does not own.
With all his talk of sportsmanship.
And you?
Me? I just came along for the ride.
I'm supposed to be the referee.
I'm glad you came along when you did though.
Here are the keys to your car.
Thank you.
No.
He had nothing to bet with, I assure you.
Not one thing in this world,
because I managed to win it all.
It took a long time.
And it was very hard work,
but I won it all in the end.
Now you know how Venus De Milo got the way she is.
By the time the poor old girl won an automobile,
it was impossible for her to drive it.
Of late there has been a great deal of talk about pay television.
Actually, most of us already have it.
And here is the gentleman who makes us pay.
I'm not sure what to say.
That last commercial left me completely underwhelmed.
Perhaps, I should simply bid you adieu
until next week.
When my, um,
sponsor and I
shall return with another story.
Good night.