Dare say you'll be glad to get home. Have you anyone waiting?
- Well... not down there - I wish I had
It’s all my own fault
No sooner in old Blighty than I’m off again
A regular globetrotter
Ah, well, back to… what's the word? Austerity
- I thought I’d gotten away from it forever - Hard luck
I say, is that your lot?
First Officer's compliments, sir
You and Mr Trumper can disembark
by B deck gangway, starboard side
Thank you
I thought you might like a paper
- The pilot brings them - Thanks
Well, let's see if there's any good news for a change
- Oh, old Ancred has bought it - Who?
Sir Henry Ancred. When I was a kid, I was dragged off to see him in Othello
Or Macbeth, was it? One of those johnnies
Talk about boring. Died on his birthday, it seems
Really?
The occasion was marked
by the unveiling of his portrait commissioned from Miss Agatha Troy, RA
May I see that, please?
Rotten luck
Well, it seems as though you'll just have to wait until you've gone ashore
Damn! I say, that's a real Panama
Oh, well, I suppose I wouldn’t be wearing it again for a year or two
I think you can count on that at least
Time to go ashore, Mr Trumper
Oh, yes?
- Back so soon, then? - It’s been two months
Has it? Well, I never
Is that for me?
- Flowers have a tendency to wilt - I haven't seen one of those in years
Perhaps I’ll use it for a still life
I wouldn’t have minded a bank robber...
.. or even a murderer, a strangler, say,
or one of those hen-pecked little fellows who's seen his wife off with an axe
Con men are the lower depths,
they ooze what they think is charm and it's endless
Day and night... lay it on with a trowel
From Cape Town, was it?
- Excuse me? - What?
Oh, I just thought that after
telling me all about your adventures in India...
South Africa
that you’d condescended to ask what I’d been doing for the past whatever it was
- I know what you've been doing - Really?
Clever you, then
You've been painting that old actor Ancred who's upped and died
- My God - What's the matter?
- Do you know everything? - One reads the Times
I’ve been trying to... what's that awful expression?
Get up a head of steam to tell you about it
- What's the matter? - Rory, I’m not scatterbrained, am I?
No, don’t laugh. The old man's dead
They all said it was the crayfish
but what about the red paint on the banister?
Or that horrid little book about how to embalm a corpse?
If it comes down to it, what happened to the arsenic?
Oh, look, I am making sense. inside my head I know I am
It’s simply that I’m no good at telling a story
But you're going to
I knew it was all a mistake when I couldn't enjoy my sandwiches
And I’d given myself a treat, smoked salmon
Please don’t think I’m seething with sinister intent
I mean, there's no need to swing from the communication cord
He had only to open his mouth
and swinging from the communication cord was the last thing one had in mind
But no, that's not where it begins
You were asked to paint a portrait
Yes. Yes, that's right. Aren't you clever?
I was written to by Sir Henry's daughter-in-law
who keeps house for him, Millamant
Millamant?
She was Mildred but the old man re-christened her
They once played together in The Way Of The World
Well, anyway, I didn’t want to do the portrait so I told them no
The next thing I knew, Thomas Ancred was on my doorstep
He's the younger son. He produces
And so you said yes
I said yes to dinner. It was at the Oleander
The food there is black market
Troy
We don’t, all of us, go on paid holidays to South Africa
And I still said no
But why?
A portrait of Sir Henry as Macbeth,
six feet by four, to be completed in just over a week
Mr Ancred, contrary to what you have apparently heard,
I am not a house painter
- Dear lady... - Sorry
You see, it's Papa's 75th
and he was so in hopes that the nation would honour him with a portrait
Alas, the nation has dragged its collective feet
and so Papa, being the trooper that he is, has decided to honour himself
- Money really is no object - Not interested
Oh, come now, what's a week?
And I assure you, you'll loathe our family
No... I beg your pardon? I’ll do what?
Taken en masse, they can be quite revolting
It’s why I prefer to live in London
Of course, working hammer and tongs, you won't see much of them
Mr Ancred, hammer and tongs isn't ever how I like to work
and I don't paint to order or with a time limit or six feet by four
As to money being no object, how lovely,
but this week I find I’m unexpectedly solvent
So you can be as charming as you undoubtedly...
Thank you
Which, I imagine, is how you came to be on the train
I’m Cedric Ancred
I find it so exciting that you're going to do a picture of Grand papa
in all his tats and bobs
- Sir Henry is your... - Yes, sordid, isn't it?
Mummy is Millamant who looks after him and Daddy, only promise you won't tell,
was Henry Irving Ancred...
- I paint too - Do you?
- How nice - Not like you. I design things
Of course it's all grim nowadays but we keep on toddling
Oh, God, you were reading and I stopped you
It’s not important
It is a sin against the Holy Ghost
- What utter nonsense - You tell me so...
Pardon me, Penelope
Do you er... Design at all for the theatre?
How sweet of you to take an interest. Yes, when one is given employment,
which, with a word from the grand old man, would be all the year round
Only in my case, the grand old man chooses never to speak
Talk about blood being thicker than water
Oh, my God. Don't look
What is it?
I can't bear it. Every time I see it, it gets uglier
- Does it? - There
God, the enduring horror of it
Castle Despair
I say, I spy with my little eye Ancreds by the dozen
Greetings, you two
This is my cousin, Fenella Cairnes
Hello
And the warrior bold is another cousin, Paul Kentish
- Hello - Miss Agatha Troy
You've really come. We can hardly believe it
Grandfather is ten years younger
Whereas I am ageing by the minute. Do say you've brought the car
Only the governess cart, Cedric. Have you brought much luggage?
Oh, so you have. Well, the luggage can go in the cart and we can...
I refuse to walk!
Slowly, you brute. You'll have us all over!
Are you mad?
You... You animal! Slowly, I say!
Of course the clan will gather for the great day
Mummy will be there but Daddy’s touring in the Middle East
Touring? Do you mean with the army?
- No, he's in "Hay Fever" - In the desert?
And there's my mother who's already here
Not to mention Aunt Desdemona who's never married
but dies for love at least once a year
- Three sisters - A good subject for a play
Not bad
What is it?
A horrible child has just pulled a face at me
- Oh, that will be my young sister - Oh, I’m terribly sorry
Don't be. She is a horror
- Name of Panty - Oh, yes? What a charming name!
Cos the little blister's knickers were always falling down!
In a way, I’m the black sheep of the family
Because I hate the theatre. I want nothing to do with it
No, what I’d really like is to go into the police
But of course with this gammy leg of mine, that'll be pie in the sky
I have a friend at Scotland Yard
I’m sure he’d be only too glad to talk to you
- Well, that was kind of you - He's a sweet boy
When you go down to Ancreton, you and he...
When I what?
I mean, if. If
Pauline Kentish, Paul's mother, that is,
had been in a great many of the kind of plays
where people come in and go out through French windows
Hello!
You've come to paint Father, haven't you? How do you do?
- How do you do? - We're all agog
Paul, darling, there you are
I hope you haven't walked from the station, not with your poor leg
Now, don’t lie. Cedric has told me all
Fenella, dear, why did you let him?
Mother, walking is good for me
When I left the hospital, I was told...
Such a brave old boy. So courageous, Miss Troy
A King Harry home from Agincourt
Forgive a mother's tears
We Ancred's cannot always hide what is... within
Drinks are being served in the great hall
There you are. Come and have a stirrup cup
God, I’m done in
That damn pony ought to be put down
Cedric, sit up straight. You're not a child
Miss Troy? I’m Millamant Ancred. How do you do?
- How do you do? - Milly is my mama
My father-in-law looks forward to meeting you
He hopes you had a pleasant journey
- And all that rot - Do sit down
Thank you
- Fruit cup, madam? - Oh, lovely
Milly, where are you putting Miss Troy?
In Bernhardt or Siddons?
Grand papa named the bedrooms after actresses
- Why not in Bracegirdle? - Out of the question
The ceiling leaks and there are rats
Until Barker finds the poison he mislaid, Bracegirdle is out of bounds
Miss Troy will do very nicely in Siddons
We could always move darling Sonia into Bracegirdle
- What larks! - Be quiet, Cedric
Fen, my poppet, Paul, haven't either of you told Miss Troy about Sonia?
- Is she one of the family? - No, but she’d like to be
Cedric, you are impossible
Sonia is the old party's protege
Oh, yes?
Or if I may resort to ye olde English, she's his bit of naughty
Cedric, you're disgusting
Thank you, Fenella, but I believe chastisement is a mother's privilege
We all loathe her
Am I in time for fruit cup?
Oh, say it's not all gone
Sonia simply must have a drinky
Darling!
Cedric! You've come down for Noddy's birthday!
This is only base camp. From here on, the ascent begins
- Alpenstocks at the ready - Something like that
I’m afraid Barker's put your painting gear upstairs in your room
I’ll have him move it to the theatre first thing
The theatre? Is there one?
Well, it's not exactly Drury Lane but you'll find
that Grand papa does nothing by halves
You'll have Macbeth scenery, the blasted heath and all that
and if Paul's sister, young Panty, can be made to pose,
you'll even have the bloody child
and there's proper lighting
- Oh, Lord, I need daylight - Oh. Will a window suffice?
We spare no expense
Everest is conquered
- Why, this is lovely! - I’m glad you like it
And you're so nice that now I wish for your sake you hadn’t come
My word, what on earth am I in for?
It’s my beastly family. I hate them
I used to like Grand papa so much
And now he's horrid
I mean... how would you like it if your grandfather
brought a loathsome blonde into the house?
Well, I don’t know. My grandmother wouldn’t have done handsprings, that's for sure
Oh, I am sorry. That was...
What's more, now they fight amongst themselves about money
- You should hear them - My dear child...
What if he should leave Ancreton to her?
instead of to... ghastly Cedric or horrible Panty or me?
God, old women are so foul
Even Mummy is sometimes. She'll be here on Thursday
Well, as the same Cedric would say, "What larks"
- But... - No, please
- I’m an outsider and I don’t think... - That's why I can...
I don’t think you should tell me
what you might want to kick yourself for later on
Or want to kick me
May I know at what time you have dinner?
8.30
You'll hear the gong
I’ll say no more... but there is badness in this house
- You'll see - Fenella
You did that very well
I suppose it must run in the family
Hello, puss
Alice. Down the rabbit hole
I tell you, it's a miracle I don't go off my chump
Do you think it's easy living in this mausoleum with a couple of old crones
and a kid that's out The Crazy Gang?
You must endeavour to look on the bright side
It’s a laugh a minute
If you really cared about me, you'd put me in a position
where I wasn't looked down on
Noddy, you owe it to me
A girl has her self-respect
There's somebody out there. It’s that ghastly child!
The drawing room, madam
Thank you
All alone, Miss Troy? How neglectful we are
- Not at all - Do sit
Barker will serve sherry once there's a full house
Is Siddons to your liking?
Siddons? Oh, you mean the room. Yes, it's absolute...
- You were saying? - Excuse me
The Antient Arte Of The Embalming Of Corpses
- Oh, dear - It looks like one of our treasures. May I?
Yes, it is. No wonder
I’m sorry?
I came in here yesterday just in time to see Sir Henry's lady friend
sitting down there rather suddenly with a very pink face
I dare say she took it from the library
Is it very valuable?
If you'll forgive me saying so,
I can think of no other reason
why it should commend itself to Miss Sonia Orrincourt
One is hardly tempted to mention her and books in the same breath
Especially one on the art of embalming corpses
- Papa's just coming down - Damn
- That means Cedric will be late - Afraid so
He was still in the bath when I tried to get in
It’s hardly the way to stay in Father's good graces, is it, Milly?
Oh, good! He's not here
I came down by the back stairs. It’s known as heading them off at the pass
- Good evening, Mr Kentish - Good evening to you, Miss Cairnes
What's this, my darling? More mischief?
Isn’t Mummy to be told?
Oh, dear
So, this is our distinguished painter
I am delighted
Delighted
I hope you continue to be
I believe I shall. I believe I shall
Millamant, my impression was that Cedric had come down to us from town
He had an important letter to write
- Perhaps he didn’t hear the gong - In what room is he?
- Garrick, I think - Then he most certainly heard the gong
Barker, you may oblige me with a whisky and soda
- Oh, Papa. Er... - Dr Maltravers distinctly said...
- One small glass... - Of sherry or wine but not...
Hold! Enough!
Go, Barker, stay me with flagons
You see, dear Miss Troy,
how an old man departs from his well-ordered ways in your honour
Papa, it's too bad of you. It would serve you right if...
Oh, my God
I adore it when people are pleased to see me
Noddy, darling, when the applause quite dies down, I’d like a gin and tonic
She's wearing...
Dearest Grand papa, I creep, I grovel
Somebody send Barker out at once for sackcloth
Great one, tell Cedric he's forgiven
Darling Sonia, intercede for me, implore Grand papa...
Cedric, say nothing
- My God! - Cedric!
She's wearing Great, Great, Grandmamma Ancred's Russian brooch
Nice, isn't it? I’m ever so twilled
- But... - Be quiet, sir!
It is time we went in. Barker, you may serve my whisky and soda in the dining room
Dear lady, allow me
Noddy? I haven't had my aperi... my aperi... my drink
For that you must blame him who came down late
Barker, will you take pity on Miss Orrincourt?
A trifling foolish banquet as old Capulet had it
Nonetheless, we shall begin
Oh, Papa, how dreadful
- Who on earth could have... - The revolting infant, that's who
- Can there be doubt of it? - She deserves a spanking
Not to mention disinheriting
It shouldn’t be allowed. It weally shouldn’t
I am grievously displeased
So, it has come to this
- How sharper than a... - I think they call it a raspberry cushion
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child
I’m sure Panty meant it as a joke
- Let the ingrate be brought before me - Papa, she's already in bed
If not out on her broomstick
We don’t really know that it was Panty
Oh, we shall know
Tomorrow we shall know
Er... let us now dine
Yes, erm... well...
Before we all get on with it, I just happen to have something to say
that may cheer us all up
A herculean task, I think
What say you, Miss Troy? Shall we hear him?
Well, yes
Right, then...
Fenella and I are going to be married
- Oh, Paul - Criminy
Dear heaven
So I think that congratulations may be in order
Never, never, never, never, never
Lear, Act Five, Scene Three
Fenella, Paul, how could you?
That's torn it
I suppose he'll send for old Rattisbon and change his will again
- Oh, let him. Who cares? - Paul, don't dare say such a thing
Oh, God. Underage and first cousins
- This is a mother's thanks - Cedric, stop it
You too, Pauline. Fenella, Paul, do you want to turn him against his own family?
He's in one of his tantrums, that's all,
because we didn’t go to him and humbly ask his blessing
He's not upset. It’s all an act
You ought not to paint him as Macbeth, Miss Troy
What he really is bloody old King Lear
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth!"
And as far as turning against his family is concerned, he's done that already!
Ever since he brought that tart into the house!
That peroxide gold-digger, 50 years younger than a...
Fenella, dear...
Noddy?
Cor blimey! What's happened?
Noddy? Noddy!
Noddy? Noddy, darling, what's happened?
- Who on earth? - 20 guesses, dear
- What is it? Greasepaint? - In this house? Well, of course it is
- It’s a carmine stick - I don’t think so
May I?
No, it's oil paint. Cadmium red
The shade is immaterial!
My solicitor will be here by lunch time
I think everyone was glad to make it an early night. I know I was
Red paint. Dark crimson
I wonder why I was so quick to think it was blood
I’ve tired you, I’m sorry
One grows a trifle stiff
Well, then we've done enough for today. At least you have
I have been remembering my lines
Since 1904, I have assayed the role six times
and always do tremendous business
It hasn't been an unlucky play for me
Oh, yes, I’ve heard about the Macbeth superstition
One mustn't quote from it
Or speak its name. It is known as the Scottish play
Am I to be allowed a glimpse?
Well, it's only a kind of synopsis, I’m afraid
Oh! A clever lady
Yes, I have chosen well
Well, may you see things well done there
Adieu. Lest our old robes sit easier than our new!
God’s benison go with you
A spark so for my tinder, then farewell
If we do meet again, why, we shall smile
If not, why then, this parting was well made
What's up? Don't you like it?
You have to take off the surplus charcoal otherwise it messes the paints
- How long have you been there? - Ages
I stayed quiet cos I’m not allowed
I’m Patricia Claudia Ellen Ancred Kentish
Well, I’ve gathered that
You couldn’t have gathered that cos they all call me Panty
- Are these your paints? - Yes, so hands off
I’m going to paint with them
- Not a hope - If you won't let me, I’ll kill you
Don't be an ass and leave that a...
Why, you little...
You can't smack me. I’m being brought up on a system
Are you indeed? Well, here's a shock for your system
- Ow! Beast! That hurt - Well, it was meant to
- Serves you right if you catch it - Catch what?
Didn’t they tell you? I’ve been sent home from school. I’ve got ringworm
- Do you want to see? - No!
Now look here, if you promise not to touch my paints,
I’ll give you a board and some brushes
and you can go away and do a proper picture later
- When? - After lunch
Now!
- Well, I want buckets of red. I like red - I thought you already had some of that
I mean the stuff you daubed on the banister outside my bedroom
Me? I don’t know where your room is
Or what was written on your grandfather’s looking glass
You're not going to tell me it wasn't you that put
that awful cushion on his chair? The one that made that revolting noise
Really?
Why is it I always miss things? It isn't fair
I think it was then I realised that something was very wrong
Panty was quite capable of telling lies
but somehow I knew that she was speaking the truth
She hadn’t played those idiotic practical jokes
But if she hadn't, who had? And... why?
On the Thursday, as expected, Fenella's mother Jenetta Cairnes arrived
- Here comes witch number three - Sorry?
Oh, you mean as in the three weird sisters?
Not really, no. There's four of them
The one they call Desi hasn't arrived yet. Desdemona
Anyway, Millamant isn't a sister. She's an in-law
So there's witch one, witch two, witch three, wi...
Aren't you supposed to be painting Noddy?
Watercolouring clears my head and Sir Henry isn't up to posing for very long
He's poorly, you know. Can't eat anything stronger than baby food
or he's as sick as a...
- Good morning - Good morning
.. as a dog, as a lady dog!
Do you see that for bloody manners?
She's as bad as the rest of them. A load of toffee-nosed Lady Mucks
They all hate me
Anyone would think I wanted to be stuck in this godforsaken rat hole
Stone me, nothing to do and all day to do it in
- Are you stuck here? - What else is there?
I’m delicate
Asthma, ever since I was a kid
I thought I might go touring with ENSA
You know, "Every Night Something Awful!"
Except as soon as I opened my mouth to sing,
all the boys in the orchestra complained they couldn’t hear themselves play
So, when Noddy took a... you know, interest and asked me down here,
I had to pinch myself
I mean, you know, it was Christmas, Whitsun and August Bank Holiday rolled into one
Mind, whatever I get, I’ll have earned it
He's the only one of them I feel sorry for
I suppose he's a bit, well... you know...
Well, it's all part of life's rich pageant, innit?
Do you know he can't sleep nights?
He's afraid Noddy's gonna leave all this lot to the kid
Panty? I thought she was out of favour
Well, she shouldn’t go writing on mirrors, should she?
Or daubing paint on banisters
Did Panty tell you she’d done that?
Well, did she?
Oh, I’ve gotta go inside. All this fresh air
And on Friday, the unmarried sister, Desdemona, arrived with Thomas Ancred
Des!
And on the Saturday, the solicitor, Mr Rattisbon, drove down from town
The birthday party was now complete
So, very nearly, was Sir Henry's portrait
The old party begs to be excused. He's closeted with Mr Rattisbon
Anything I can do?
Well... Yes, would you stand in for him?
Me?
I’m just touching up the highlights on this cloak
It’s there. Would you mind?
Mind? I’m in seventh heaven
Er... like this? Shall I be dashing?
Oh, Dear
Look...
Would you just try standing on this box?
There
Now just let the cloak fall naturally
Raise your right arm as though there were a dirk in your hand
There. Let me just arrange you
I’ve never posed before
Well, not for a portrait
- Tuppence to talk to me - That's it
Now then
Did you know, the house is simply seething with intrigue?
The consensus of opinion
is that the birthday boy will choose the opportunity to announce his new will
- You're joking - He'll be the star turn. Top of the bill
Are you saying that Sir Henry... Oh, please do stay still
...that Sir Henry would humiliate his family?
Oh, yes. He does it every time
- He adores it - Does he change his will often?
On average about every two years
It’s sort of a command performance
I say, do give Cedy the teensiest look
My very own private view. Oh, do
Well, keep still. I haven't finished yet
Oh, my God... it’s him
It’s theatre, just like he is
It’s Shakespeare and it's Macbeth and it's him all in one
I’m terrified
First, Papa will propose the King's health then one of us will propose Papa's
Last year Panty was brought in to do it but what with ringworm and practical jokes,
she's been scratched so...
I say, this can't possibly be crayfish. Milly!
Don't blame me. He insisted
They call this rock lobster!
It’s no more a lobster than I am
It’s an obscure antipodean shellfish
Barker, champagne. What ails you, man?
Milly, you should have put your foot down
My foot is bunioned from being put down
If one of you lot wants to fetch and carry for that impossible old man,
then you're welcome
It would make me the happiest woman in England
Nonsense, Milly, you thrive on it
I gave up the theatre for him. It’s still in my blood
I always think that when Gladys Cooper went to Hollywood,
she left a gap that you could fill nicely, Milly
Thank you, Desi
Good looks apart, of course
Champagne and hot crayfish. We shall hear more of this
- Is it very bad for him? - Catastrophic
After Sir Henry had proposed the royal toast,
Thomas Ancred rose,
spoke very prettily and, as per tradition, toasted Sir Henry
.. in the time that is to come
I shall now ask the company to drink to Papa's continued health
- To Papa - To Papa
Grand papa
To darling Noddy
Here's to juice in his tank
Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks but I thank you
There is no audience as near and as dear to an old player of parts
than his own kith and kin
Bless you
Soon, now, we shall, all of us, repair to the theatre,
there to see unveiled the fruit of our lovely artist's mighty strivings
Hear! Hear!
A likeness of myself which, I may say, it is my intention to present to the nation
Bravo
However, before we feast our eyes, there is that which I would impart...
I shall be brief. Forgive me
My heart is full. It is my inestimable pleasure to announce
that Miss Sonia Orrincourt has this day done me the immeasurable honour...
- Oh, no .. of consenting to be my wife
- Oh, Noddy - Oh, my God
Me thought I didst hear the groundlings applaud
Congratulations, Papa
I thank you all. I am moved
And now I come to the reason
for the good Mr Rattisbon to grace our festive board
Of late I have been treated with disrespect, nay with contumely
My goodness has been repaid with the basest insult
All of you here do know me
All of you know that those who love me not, I do not love
It was my intention to request Mr Rattisbon to draw up anew,
my last will and testament
and yet my having won the heart of Miss Orrincourt
has caused a resurgence within this bosom,
of the milk of divine forgiveness
I have been merciful
I will now ask Mr Rattisbon to read the terms of my new will
With your kind permission...
I, Henry Oswald Ancred, Baronet, being of sound mind,
do declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all previous...
If the new will had been a West End play, it would have run forever
It received what they call rave reviews
It provided for handsome cash legacies to Millamant and Sir Henry's three daughters
Really no-one had cause for complaint
the residue of my estate to be divided equally
between my son Thomas Ancred,
my grandson Cedric Ancred
and my fiancee Miss Sonia Orrincourt
When the will had been read,
we all trooped over to the little theatre for the unveiling
To you, dear lady, the place of honour
If you will all be seated?
- Cedric, my boy - I’m ready, Grand papa
The moment is nigh
An actor may move his audience to laughter or to tears, to terror or to anger,
what he must not do is tantalise
Hear! Hear!
So, let it be now. The readiness is all
House lights, Cedric
And, curtain!
The paint must still be wet
Leave it to me. There's no harm done
No, don't use that. You'll destroy it. Here
I demand to know the author of this outrage
It wasn't Panty. She's been in bed since seven
She's been painting green cows for days, I’ve seen her
Cow yourself!
The medicine she takes makes her sleep like the dead
The child couldn’t have done it
Noddy, did you hear that? That bitch has just called me a cow!
I am going to bed
You're going to let me be insulted by that...
I am upset!
I am indeed unwell. Leave me!
- I am going alone - He needs looking after. Excuse me
It was sometime during the night that it happened
Of course, I didn't stay
First, my work was done, and I'd have gone anyway
Also, I was an outsider, in what by definition, at any rate,
was a house of mourning
Yes, I think that's everything. Thank you, Barker. You've been most helpful
It’s been a great pleasure, Miss Troy. I hope to see you again in the near future
- Thank you, Barker. Goodbye - Goodbye
What are you thinking about?
Macbeth and the art of the embalmer
Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?
Practical jokes, you say?
Defecating cows
- Just the one, sir - A book
A three centuries old book on embalming
and a missing bottle of rat bait
All very thin, wouldn’t you say?
Skeletal
Hardly enough to justify going down to Ancreton and muddying the waters
- No, sir. It’s just that... - Well?
There's a lot about Miss Troy I don't yet know, sir, but...
I’m inclined to trust her instincts
- Good witness? - Sir?
I mean, is she imaginative?
Well, naturally, she's an artist and a good one but...
if you mean impressionable, no
Capital! Then with no offence in the wide world, my dear Alleyn,
perhaps either you or Miss Troy could account for this
- Seen this morning's Times, have you? - Not yet, sir, no
Well, according to you, or rather according to Miss Troy,
Sir Henry Ancred made a will dividing his estate
more or less equally among the family
With a share going to this...
this lady friend of his. Miss Sonia Orrincourt
He made that announcement, yes
Then he's been having them on
According to the Times, Sonia Orrincourt gets the lot
What?
Give or take a thousand or so
It seems he's done his family in the eye
What price equal shares all round now?
But it can't be. At the birthday dinner...
The lady couldn’t have erm... misheard?
Absolutely not, sir
Sir...
Oh, look here, old chap,
I don't see any reason to go haring off down to Ancreton. He was 75
As far as one can tell, he ate and drank what he shouldn't have done
He was warned what would happen and it did. He conked out
Dead and... buried is he?
And we've no grounds for an autopsy. So let's leave him lie
Not make the family any more distressed than they already are
From what I’ve heard, sir, they won't be wearing black for too long
Actually, I was thinking of the will
Come in
Forgive the intrusion, sir, but knowing the Chief inspector’s business,
I thought he’d like to know that Mr Thomas Ancred had been in touch
There have been letters, sir. Anonymous, addressed to all members of the family
Hinting at foul play, sir
When I think of all the misery you've put me through,
I feel so infernally indignant, I...
When in doubt, Mr Fox, always give them a dollop of Charley's Aunt
It never fails. Ah, here we are
- Eight of them. All the same - Thank you
Sir Henry Ancred's death was brought about
by the person who has received the most benefit from it
inspector, you're the oracle. No envelopes, Mr Ancred?
We threw them away. Sorry
But the postmark was Middlehampton. That's our nearest metropolis
And the recipients?
They came at breakfast time yesterday. Let's see...
Milly got one and Pauline, Jenetta and Desi - Desdemona that is
Cedric, Sir Cedric as he is now
I mustn't leave him out, nor myself, of course
and the young couple Fenella and Paul
But not Miss Orrincourt?
Sonia
No, not Sonia. That's why for once in their lives the family are in agreement
You mean that Miss Orrincourt is the person
referred to in the letters?
Not half. What fun
Thank you. Inspector, astonish us
Well, the old crystal ball's a bit cloudy this morning, sir
Middling good paper out of a notepad
From any stationers or maybe the odd corner shop
Thank you
Mr Ancred, do you subscribe to your family's poor opinion of Miss Orrincourt?
Do you mean do I think that she murdered Papa?
There, it's been said out loud, that is
- I didn’t at first but now... - Now?
Well, I suppose it's time for the Cours de theatre
After the letters came, the atmosphere got a bit fraught
Sonia said that she would rather die driving in the rain
than put up with our loathsomeness a moment longer
Of course, when there is a dramatic occasion,
you may depend on the Ancreds to rise to it
No-one liked to say straight out that Sonia
had put poison in Papa's hot drink at bedtime,
but it did seem wasteful given that she was out of the house,
for us not to search her room
I didn't do much searching myself. I lack curiosity
Besides, I wasn't sure what it was we were looking for
Cedric
As it happened, it was Desi who won the coconut. She found it
Look!
And what was she found, Mr Ancred?
Hang on. Yes, I put it out of harm's way
It’s the rat poison nobody could find
See what the lab boys make of this, will you?
By the look of it, it hasn't been opened since
Madeleine Smith gave arsenic to her boyfriend
The Scottish verdict was not proven, sir
What an exact fellow you are
- Careful - What?
- Mr Alleyn? - I’ll be with Rattisbon
- Dash, I’ve missed him - Can I be of help, sir?
Well, it occurred to me to ask, in the case of Papa,
is there likely to be a... well, you know...
Will they want to go rummaging around in the family vault?
- Oh, early days yet, sir. All in good time - No, what I mean is...
you’d want to look inside him for signs of poisoning
Don't you think, sir, we're rushing our fences?
No, you don’t see what I’m driving at. How could you?
How shall I put it? Would it at all matter to you,
would it make life that much harder to know that we've had him embalmed?
There is no puzzle, Chief inspector
Based on rough drafts prepared by Sir Henry,
I drew up two separate wills
- Two? Extraordinary - Mm, perhaps
Or perhaps not in the case of a man who is in two minds
Sir Henry was uncertain as to the merits of his immediate family
- Are you a gambling man, Chief inspector? - Afraid so
Sir Henry hedged his bets
One of the wills was signed and witnessed before the dinner
I quoted its provisions in front of the family
Later that night, he destroyed it
- Because of the portrait? - Oh, you know about that
The flying cow, yes. Childish, you would agree
And yet when he sent for me later that night,
I found him greatly perturbed
He burned the will, the first will, there and then
Then, at his insistence, I sent the butler to fetch a Mr and Mrs Candy
Candy is one of the under gardeners and they were witnesses to the second will
Which left all to Miss Orrincourt?
The young lady’s name is Hawkes, Chief inspector, Miss Gladys Hawkes
- Really? - Yes, these gilded creatures
Mind, I think we can agree that Orrincourt does have more resonance to it?
Er... no, not quite all
There were other minor bequests. Very minor
- You mean, hardly worth... - Just so
Hardly worth mentioning
That is what you were going to say, Chief inspector?
- Look here, I’m sorry - Done something, have you?
I mean that you should be part of all this, even as a bystander
Well, thanks for saying it
Did I mention that I don't think people ought to hang other people?
Are you sure?
I have a feeling I would have remembered
Well, with that out of the way,
I’m happy to say that I’m not the policeman, you are
You wash your hands of it
How like a woman
It was you in the first place who put the cat among the pigeons
- What's so funny? - The thought of you at Ancreton
It is you, my dear Chief inspector, who's going to be the pigeon among the cats
Do you see what I see?
No, I can't say that I do
- I think I do - Shall we erm...
Oh, yes, why don't we?
Heads
Heads it is. In you go. I love to see an artist at work
Good afternoon, sir. May I be of service, sir?
I do hope so
I was wondering whether you have anything
that would cheer up a little girl who's been a bit poorly
Well now...
A proper little limb, she is
Says she wants to play a joke on a Dr Maltravers
A joke? Oh, he won't like that
- Won't he? - No. He's not one for jokes
Well, I just now noticed those raspberry cushions in your window
Oh, he really won't like that
They're a bit rude, you know
But isn't it a small world?
Would you believe, I sold one of these not two weeks ago
and that was for a little girl who wasn't well
Get away! This one's for a child up at the big house
Do you mean Ancreton?
So was the other
Now, if it's for her, Panty, they call her,
and she is a limb, you're right there...
well, I... I’m afraid she already has one
Oh, dear dear. What a vexation
Still, never mind, what I always say
is a kiddie can't have too many raspberry cushions
I’ll take it anyway
Hold on half a tick. Young Panty's confined to barracks
You're not telling me the young tinker sneaked out,
came here and bought it for herself?
- Lord love you, no, sir - No?
No. Her auntie bought it
- Her auntie? - That's right. Her new auntie
You must be Panty cos that's what's written there
Who was Carabas?
Was he your kitten?
He wasn't a kitten, he was a cat
He was Noddy's cat, only he loved me better than Noddy
He loved me better than anyone
I was his friend and I didn’t give him the ringworms. I hate Aunt Milly
I hate all of them cos they say I killed Carabas with ringworm
- I’ll bet you never did - I might give you the ringworm
You do that and I’ll give you my gum boil
Well, I want to play a game now
Perhaps you’d like to stay here and play with inspector Fox?
Can he play Happy Families?
Play it? He invented it
- Carry on, inspector - Oh, yes. Why don't we? Let's
Thank you
Thank you, no
Oh, wait, are they making those again? Yes, I think I shall
My Uncle Thomas brings bickies at weekends
He says you have to know where to look
Sir Cedric, that holds good for more than just biscuits
Oh, dear. Have I cast a gloom?
Please don't think I’m here to look into anything other
than those anonymous letters
- Is that a crime? - It might be a breach of the peace
Peace in this house?
Would anyone mind a question or two?
Not at all
On the evening of his birthday party,
Sir Henry appears to have done himself rather too well at dinner
- Aren't we the know-it-all? - He over indulged
He ate tinned crayfish and drank champagne,
both of which are expressly forbidden
And later on?
After dinner, you mean? He took medicine for his indigestion
And there was always a hot drink
either at bedtime or if he woke during the night
- A hot drink. Prepared by whom? - By Milly
- You did it, didn’t you, Milly? - No, Jenny, I did not
Since my husband’s death, I kept house for my father-in-law
A task, I may say, which was as arduous as my thanks for it were small
She's off
I liked Papa. He could make one's life miserable
but there were certain small labours which I did not begrudge
and yes I prepared his hot drink
But of late, with Papa's consent,
a certain person usurped that duty, as if by Divine right
- Do you mean Miss Orrincourt? - Milly, you never said
I hope I have my pride
But it was Miss Orrincourt who prepared the hot drink that evening?
Oh, for that you must ask Barker
Yes, madam, Miss Orrincourt heated the drink and I took it to Sir Henry's room
in a Thermos and set it by his bed
He refused to take it then and there. He was, if Sir Cedric will forgive me...
.. in rather a whack, sir
And the medicine for his indigestion?
Oh, he didn’t need any persuading to take that, sir
The pain raged at him something awful
The milk of magnesia was kept by the bed, sir,
like... like the Thermos...
Oh, God. Barker, must you blub?
I got him into his pyjamas and gown, sir
Like I was saying, he wouldn’t touch his drink
He was carrying on, shouting at me...
.. saying as how I was to fetch Mr Rattisbon er... he's the solicitor, sir
Yes
Barker, could you just tell me once again? What was on this table?
There was the indigestion medicine, sir, there was the grog tray
There was the Thermos with his hot drink, a cup and saucer...
Oh, and a spoon for the medicine, sir
Thank you. And, of course, these have all since been washed?
Washed and used again, sir. It was all spilt
The medicine, the Thermos, the lot
It was a shocking mess, sir
He put some of his drink into the saucer for the cat, sir
- The cat Carabas? - Oh, yes, sir
But the cup and the flask and the medicine bottle was all overturned
We had to go at it with the carbolic
Thank you
Barker, what's this?
It was in the old gentleman's hand when we found him, sir
When I found him
It’s the bell push, sir
We had to prise open his fingers
In his distress, sir, he must have pulled it away from the wire
Did you unscrew it in any way?
- It’s as I found it, sir - Thank you
Do you know, Barker, I think I need not trouble you any further
I’m obliged
Very good, sir
Oh, Damn
Who are you and what the bloody hell are you doing here?
At the moment, sir, I’m playing Happy Families
Would you oblige me with...
Mrs Snip the tailor's wife?
No, you forgot to say please again so it's my turn
And I don't seem to be having much luck
Sir, I am asking, politely, I trust,
what your business is with my patient
- Are you a journalist? - Me?
Oh, bless your heart no, sir. I’m from Scotland Yard
- From... - And I imagine that you're Dr Maltravers
What a happy meeting. Chief inspector Alleyn will be pleased
Very well. So the second will was signed in this room
Now, after Mr Rattisbon had left, what then?
What do you mean what then?
I gave Noddy his hot drink and I kissed him nighty-night
And left?
And left
Did he drink his hot milk while you were with him?
- Drank it and liked it - And what about his medicine?
And the medicine. People seem to think I’ve got no feelings. Well, I have
He was sweet and now he's gone and the money won't ever make up for that
Now I’ve got no-one
He died cos he was sick
and the police have no call to go buzzing round asking questions
Well, you've been very frank with me, Miss Orrincourt
I’ve been frank because I’ve got nothing to hide
And I intend to be equally frank with you
One of the reasons I’m here is because of the practical jokes
you played upon Sir Henry
I need hardly ask why
You wanted the blame to fall upon the child Panty, isn't that so?
I knew it. He told you
Well, it serves me right
I thought I had one friend in this crazy gang
Just goes to show you what a fool I was
I suppose you must mean Sir Cedric Ancred
Sir Cedric, the baronet
Or should I say the baroness?
That insect, that worm! God, he's worse than the bloody women!
Well, I got the laugh on him and the money
What's he got? Here, let me tell you about him
Imagine him sitting up there all hours,
making a new will, disinheriting his own flesh and blood
Well, I understand that both those wills were drawn up in advance of that evening
Do you know, I think we have a good case for proving he was got at
- By Miss Orrincourt, do you mean? - Yes
By that...
What is it, Desi?
Sometimes, Chief inspector,
death comes not as an enemy but as a friend
By day they talk and think of money, by night they dream of it
But for what you might call murder...
.. there is a stronger motive than greed
There's love
That's why I did what needed to be done
Do you think I could bear to see my darling crippled and in constant pain?
What kind of woman do you take me for?
Was I to look on and...
and see him in the prison of his maimed body?
Oh, God, but I loathe aeroplanes
Do you mean it was an accident?
The others, his... devoted family...
.. they wanted him dead that they might inherit
But I... I wanted him at peace
That's why I did it
But I’m glad, do you hear me? Glad, glad, glad!
You will, of course, wish me to accompany you, Chief inspector
There are goodbyes to be said. May I crave five minutes?
I shall return... you have my word
Did you ever hear of The Dark Of The Sun, Chief inspector?
Very Somerset Maughamish
It was supposed to open earlier this year at the Duchess but the backers got cold feet
Poor Desdemona, she's been dying to make that Act Three speech ever since
- Soda? - No
Sir Henry suffered from ulcers and degeneration of the heart
He had eaten a disastrous meal, had drunk champagne
and flown into one of his rages
I diagnosed a gastric attack culminating in cardiac failure
- I hold to that - A tin of rat poison has been found
- Piffle! - In Miss Orrincourt's room
Double piffle!
- I’m inclined to agree - All that family has a down on her...
with cause, I admit but...
You agree?
The tin had not been opened in weeks, months perhaps
- Game, set and match - Not necessarily
There could be poison elsewhere at Ancreton
There speaks the born pessimist or do I mean optimist?
With respect, sir, triple piffle
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have one patient who is still above ground in this damn booby hatch
To be sure. How goes the ringworm?
On the mend, sir
It’s slow and it's stubborn but thallium does the trick, give it time
Her hair is falling out nicely
- Her hair is? - It is a depilatory, you know
Is it? Poor child. No wonder she's so foul tempered
Doctor?
Thallium is also a sedative, is it not?
The flower room may seem a strange place to keep medicine
I wanted it out of the reach of little fingers
Panty... Patricia is simply into everything!
There are two bottles. The one that's nearly empty and the one that hasn't been opened
I’ve got them
Er... hold it steady. Would you mind, sir?
- Thank you - Well done
Both labelled "poison"
Naturally, since that is what it is
The dosage is a minute amount taken in water
I use an eye dropper
And as you can see, the chemist's seal on the one is as yet unbroken
It is undoubtedly sealed
Mrs Kentish, oblige me
Would it be possible for someone to have removed some of Panty's medicine
without your knowledge?
Oh, no. I would have noticed
Even if they had diluted what was left with water?
What a peculiar idea
- Chief inspector, what are you driving at? - I? Nothing at all, I assure you
I am the least suspicious person in the world
Well, in the CID at any rate. Ask inspector Fox
Fox?
It’s peat mould from the flower pots
So it is, ma'am
Mrs Kentish, may I... hang onto this one?
I’ll happily return the empty
- Chief inspector, this is... - Quadruple piffle? I’m sure it is
Telephone from the inn. You better make sure you're not overheard
I think we'll conduct the second exhumation ourselves
Do a second?
Carabas the cat
Off you go. I’ll walk. It’ll do me good
By the way,
was it peat mould you put in your pocket in the flower room?
No, sir. Bits of sealing wax
Fox by name...
Well...
Well, that is the end
Curtain down and house lights up
Goodbye, Miss Sonia Orrincourt, RIP
RIP? Would that be a threat, sir?
What?
I mean that I wash my hands of little miss third row of the chorus
Talk about the sneak of St Hilda's
As a matter of fact, Sir Cedric,
Miss Orrincourt seemed to think that you were the one who had sneaked on her
I’m sure
You and she conspired
You wanted the child, Panty, to be cut out of your grandfather’s will
and so you perpetrated those jokes. The what-d'you-call-it...
The raspberry cushion, the writing on the mirror, the vandalized painting
Oh, send us to the pokey, oh, do
But you outsmarted yourselves, Sir Cedric
Panty's medicine was a soporific
The poor child was fast asleep and couldn't have interfered with the portrait
So it had to be one of the grown-ups
Sir Henry realised this
In a temper he tore up the first will and signed the second
And it will be contested
I can assure you of that, Chief inspector
We shall plead that the woman exerted improper influence
But, Cedric... Those appalling jokes. You and that woman consorting
He was going to leave it all to the little brat
Mummy, don’t scold. What else could I do?
God, Cedric... you're a fool
It was murder, of course, the bell push was proof of that
A screw had been undone
so that it simply came away from the flex when Sir Henry had tried to summon help
And all the evidence was rather clumsily rigged to point to Sonia Orrincourt
She's hardly a mental giant but she does have a gift for self-preservation
She was Noddy's favourite, see?
Only Sir Cedric wanted the lot, he did
So...
.. we came to an understanding
- You bought the raspberry cushion - Yeah
You should have seen their faces
She was hardly likely to risk the gallows
by murdering an old man, who would, in any case, soon die
There was the arsenic in her bedroom, there were the anonymous letters,
the murderer sent those, of course. Everyone received a letter except Sonia Orrincourt
And there was that ancient book that so conveniently kept popping up
According to which, the art of embalming
involves the use of arsenic
So, however the old man may actually have died,
traces of that poison would have been found in the remains
One more strand in the rope that would hang Sonia Orrincourt
Alas for our murderer, the book is three centuries old
and the world and the art of embalming has moved on
Messrs Mortimer and Loame, funeral directors
inform me that nowadays arsenic is never used, at least by them
Do I really have to?
I’m afraid so. It won't take a moment
Mr Thomas Ancred, do you identify this as the body of your late father?
He looks quite peaceful, don't you think?
Good lord
- All done, sir? - All done
Oh, yes, sir. It’s Carabas
- So what was the verdict? - Well, we'll know by tomorrow morning
He was lying there bald as a coot
- Snap - Snap?
Yes, so was the cat
- Oh, good morning, sir - Good morning, Breir
- Is that it, then? - Yes
Surely the Yard never sleeps
It’s as we suspected, there never was any arsenic. That was just a crude ploy to...
- implicate Sonia Orrincourt? - Exactly
Our murderer’s par for the course. A mixture of cack-handed ness and dead cunning
In dilute form, thallium acetate is a medicine, Panty's medicine
But taken neat, it's deadly poison
so break open the seal on the unused bottle
and pour a lethal dose into the old man's milk of magnesia
And then top the medicine bottle up with water and reseal it
Neat thallium. No wonder Sir Henry's hair fell out
And the cat Carabas
Probably lapped it up when the bottle was overturned
Imagine a hairless cat walking about to give the game away!
But what I want to know is why anyone would want to kill the old man
It could hardly have been from greed
He’d announced the terms of a will that provided for everyone around that table
- No exceptions, fair dues for all - Except for Rattisbon
Now wait a minute...
Er... yes, yes, miss. Er... well, I’ll just go and see
- Chief inspector Alleyn. Who is it, please? - There's something I left out
That evening you came to dinner, I tried to tell you the whole story
but I’m one of these people that hates to cross every T and dot every I
I suppose that's why I paint, not take photographs
It’s probably not important but if it is, you'll kill me
and for the sake of completeness...
Troy. Troy. Slow down. Now, what is it?
It was something Sir Henry said
The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time
First the child goes tampering with my papers, and now this!
Tampering with my papers. Is that important?
Yes, it is important. Bless you
Bye
- Sonia Orrincourt - What's that?
She's going to do it again
Miss? Miss? I’d like Ancreton 5, please, it's urgent
- I’m sorry, it's engaged - Is it?
Damn!
I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it doesn't have a bloody horse pulling it
- Ancreton Hall, is it? - Yes, Ancreton Hall. Miss Orrincourt
And which station would you like?
Any station. I don't care, just get me there!
Oh, Barker...
There's a rumor going round that we won the war
If that's true, how can one possibly account for a sausage that looks like this?
- Perhaps it's Hitler's secret weapon - Cedric, you're a caution
Sir Caution, if you don't mind, dear
Beg your pardon, madam, but Miss Orrincourt asks if she might have a word
Miss Orrincourt?
Yes, madam. She's taking breakfast on the west terrace
Barker, are you saying that she expects me to go to her?
If I may say so, madam, Miss Orrincourt is about to leave
She's asked me to have her bags taken down
She's leaving?
Do you mean the barnacle is letting go?
Well, what I say is good riddance
Well, we have all been rather beastly to her, haven't we?
Paul, darling, the woman's a horror
If at last we are to see the back of her, then I am utterly at her beck and call
- The west terrace, you say? - Yes, madam
- Give her what for, Milly - I shall
What a lovely day this is going to be
I knew you’d be having breakfast so I asked the girl to bring an extra cup
Do you wanna sit down?
Thank you. How can one resist being invited to take a seat in one's own home?
I asked to see you before I left because you're the worst of them
- I mean, you hate me the most - Hate you?
- My dear girl, I don't hate anyone - Yes, you do
And I wanted to say that if you lot
had been halfway decent to me, I’d have gone shares
Cross my heart. I like money, who doesn't?
It’s an hard life for a girl on her own
but what I always say is, enough is enough
I’m not greedy
Only I won't be treated like I was dirt under people's feet
I’ve got my feelings
I know you have. That's why my father-in-law is dead
Yes, we know only too well about the sort of feelings you have
Miss Orrincourt, where is she?
I think that car was the police. If so, you've left it too late to run
- You've been found out - No I haven't, cos I’ve done nothing
I’m as innocent as the flowers that bloom in the spring-tra-la
Do you know, you ought to be grateful to me. I could have married your Cedric
It’s a fact. He'd have done anything for the money. He'd have even got married
Can you imagine what sort of a husband he’d make? But no
No, I wouldn’t do that to you
Maybe I am a bad lot but I’m not so bad as I’d marry him
You needn't contest the will because if you do,
I’ll fight and when I do I usually...
- You're just in time, Chief inspector - Glad to hear it, Mrs Ancred
- Please don't drink from that cup - Why on earth shouldn’t I?
Oh, no, Mrs Ancred, I was talking to Miss Orrincourt
I’ll just take that, miss
Barker told me Miss Orrincourt was leaving
So, what was your little scenario? Trapped murderess commits suicide?
Something like that
You'll be all right now, miss
Good old Troy. She held the key... without knowing it
Someone, Sir Henry told her, had been tampering with his papers
What if those papers happened to be the rough drafts of the two wills?
And if so, who was more likely to see them than Millamant Ancred?
Well, now you see, she knows. There are two wills
She knows the contents of both of them
and she knows that Sir Henry intends to announce the terms of only one of them
So, she sees a chance, once and for all,
to put an end to the old man's shilly-shallying
She orders crayfish for the birthday feast
and in case that and the champagne don't do the trick,
she gives them a helping hand
She spikes the old man's milk of magnesia with a lethal dose of thallium
Then she pours out an extra helping just in case
In case of what?
In case the old man announces will number two
The one that leaves the whole kit and caboodle to Sonia
If he had,
Miss Orrincourt would never have lived to collect
She nearly didn’t
That's the trouble with women when they take up poison
They never know when to stop
Especially in the case of a woman who
pretends to be the most common-sensical of mothers
But whose son is in fact the adored be-all and end-all of her life
She gave up everything for that little twerp
She abandoned her acting career
and she became a sort of unpaid housekeeper to Sir Henry, a drudge,
and all so that Cedric might inherit
It’s all right. It’s all right
When Sir Henry signed the second will late that night,
the beloved Cedric was out in the cold, and the hated Sonia was in the warm
When Miss Orrincourt announced her decision to leave today,
well, that was Millamant's last chance
Well, it's the cat that I feel sorry for
- Cheerio, lads - Cheerio
Bye now
- Good afternoon - Good afternoon
I realise we've missed lunch
but if there's anything you can do for us,
we’d be extremely grateful
Matter of fact, you're in luck
A lady came in not half an hour ago
We took pity on her
and there's what's left of a leg of mutton. Enough for two
Sir, you're a prince among men
Do you know, Breir, if ever I marry a wife, I’ll marry a landlord’s daughter
- Shakespeare again, sir - Lamb, actually
For then I may sit in the bar and drink cold brandy and water
- Troy! - Well, you didn’t even tell me who did it