Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate.
♪ Angelos!
♪ He's making TV that he wants to
♪ Just like what you would do
♪ It's Angelos Epithemiou, innit?
♪ Now clap, you junkies! ♪
Hello, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Angelos Epithemiou Show!
I'd like to thank my dog, Tinned Tomatoes, yeah,
for barking the Apprentice song.
This is a show for everybody.
If you're watching in HD, hello!
If you're watching in 3D...
That'll keep you lot happy.
And if you're watching with VD,
then there's absolutely nothing I can do for you.
So yes, here I am, on Channel 4,
and it has been nothing but problems, problems, problems,
with the bloody bigwigs. The other day, right, they said,
"Angelos, great to have you on the channel, man.
"Really, really fantastic.
"Um... But we'd really, really like you
"to come into one of our focus group meetings
"to see what the kids want on the show."
And I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Listen to me, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub..."
You get yourselves off down the canteen,
get yourselves some smoked salmon, right, and a cappuccino, OK?
I don't need to go to any focus groups, right?
Because everything I do I run past my mate Kenny.
Here he is.
And he had a look at these scripts three weeks ago
and he was so startled
that he hasn't blinked since.
Coming up on the show tonight,
I shall be chatting with historian Amy Childs.
I'll be mucking around with Professor Green.
I will be showing you how to dry your teeth.
And, a little bit later on, someone is going to try
to teach me to speak French.
Bon. Repetez apres moi, "la fenetre."
No!
Repetez apres moi, "la fenetre." No!
La fenetre that passed out.
But before that, please welcome... Gupta.
♪ Gupta!
♪ Gupta! ♪
Happy to be here?
Yeah, I'm happy to be here, man.
On TV, innit?
Yeah.
Might even get a bird out of this.
Are you on a lady drought at the moment?
Drought?
Total bloody hosepipe ban, me.
I tell you what you need,
and take it from someone who's banged the best of them...
Yeah. I've seen the list.
What you need is a look.
I've got a look, man.
Yeah, you've got a look, but, you know, come on.
That is a look...
of a dickhead.
Is it?
Yeah, it is.
But where do I get this new look you keep on banging on about, man?
Simple. You buy it off me.
The Urban Warrior Range by the House of Epithemiou.
Whether you're going to the bookies, Londis,
the fair, or simply signing on, like yourself.
Yeah, I am signing on, whatever. So sue me.
There really is a look for all occasions.
Listen, Angelos, I bought the entire Urban Warrior Range,
and I got zero fanny, all right? So you better shut up.
OK. Well, look. Listen, right. We need to go another way with you.
What do ladies love?
Sailor suits.
Sailors? What sailors?
Sailor suits. Yes, look.
I want that looksobad.
It's your lucky day. Yes.
I've got a second-hand one, come in just today.
It costs 200 quid, right.
That's for you.
Sweetness.
Angelos, with this look,
I'm going to look totally irresistible.
O-oh!
Go on, back up your pipe there, Gupta. Thank you.
So.
That's Gupta. He's a lovely fellow but he is unpredictable,
because... Well, he's a pill-head.
Coming up now is my first guest of the evening.
Please welcome Amy Childs.
Hello, Amy.
Yes, come, please.
Sit yourself down.
Lovely.
I don't do the kissing, because I don't know what you've got.
Right, let's kick off with the interview,
and we start that with the horn.
What was that for?
Well, it's just to say I've begun.
I use that for everything. If I'm starting something...
You know. Plays havoc in the bedroom.
So let's start with what you're most famous for, The Only Way Is Essex.
Sure am, yeah.
Now, be honest, have they made you look a bit ridiculous on that show
or are you actually like that in real life?
I'm not going to lie to you - that is me
and I was always myself on that show.
I introduced the vajazzle, which I'm obviously really known for.
Yeah, I know about this vajazzling.
The vajazzling queen, I'm known as.
I was totally myself. I'm not an actress.
I'm my own person. Done.
This vajazzle business, right, how did that...
I mean, you've touched on it. I'd like to touch it.
Touchonit. No.
Touch on it now.
Is that an... Did you come up with that with an accident?
Did you drop a load of crumbs down there, thought,
"That looks all right"?
No.
Basically, I'm going to tell you a thing about it. It's a thing in LA.
Everyone in LA, America, has it all done.
Yeah?
And I got on The Only Way Is Essex, they said,
"Amy, have you got anything else which is good for Essex?"
So I said, "Oh, my God - you've got to do vajazzling."
Did vajazzling and the next day, on my Twitter,
everyone was like, "Amy, oh, my God - we love vajazzling."
Yeah.
At my salon, I am literally the vajazzle queen.
I am vajazzling 24/7.
Well, that's nice to go on your gravestone, innit?
OK.Now, then you left TOWIE...
Yep.
To go into the Big Brother house,
where you don't really do anything all day, you can't even read
and you talk rubbish to fame-hungry wannabes.
Why did you feel the need to do something
so radically different from The Only Way Is Essex?
Look, do you know...
I've always wanted to do it. I've always loved Big Brother,
and it was a great opportunity for me to do.
I'm known for Essex, I've got to get out of my comfort zone.
I'm going to go into the house, with really random people, be put in
a situation that I've never been in before in my life.
Being in a house?
Yeah...
You're a stunner.
You must get blokes chatting you up all the time, innit?
I don't get chatted up.
You've never had someone come up to you, and do chat-up lines?
Probably someone drunk, but I don't get really good-looking guys
going, "Amy, I want to take you on a date."
Yeah, that's a shame. So this would be my chat-up line to you.
Something like this.
I'd sidle up to you in a bar or a cafe,
or behind the bins or something...
I don't go to any of them places.
Yes, you do!
And I might say, "Amy, I'm going to call you Spanner,
"cos every time I see you, my nuts tighten."
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Now, listen, you've got your beauty salon, innit?
Can you makeanyonelook gorgeous?
A million percent.
Or are there some people that come in that salon and you go,
"I know we've come from apes but you haven't come far enough"?
Everyone looks gorgeous.
When they leave they look absolutely beautiful.
They've got their vajazzle, spray tan...
Even the blokes?
Give them a pejazzle, can't we?
A what?
- Pejazzle. - A pejazzle?
Yeah.
What's a pejazzle?
OK, so a pejazzle, basically, is a bit like a vajazzle
but you put it on your... man bits.
What?
Man bits.
Pe-jazzle?
Pe-pe-pejazzle?
Your cock?
Yeah.
Penis.
Beat around the bush, innit? Right...
Would you mind doing a quickfire round with me?
Oh, yeah, go on.
OK. Right, so question one. Quickfire round.
Sainsbury's or Londis?
Sainsbury's.
Wrong.
Back, crack and sack or Black Forest?
Back, crack and sack, hands-down.
Hands-down.
A degree from Cambridge or your own perfume range?
Own perfume range.
Yes, of course.
Fitness DVDs - improving the nation's fitness
or money for old rope?
What?
Fitness DVD?
Hands-down, definitely.
Eh, hands down?
Yeah, that wasn't an option, but...
Just end the interview.
OK?
It's just official, innit.
Thank you very much. You've been absolutely wonderful.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you, Amy Childs. Thank you.
Lovely.
Now, you'll have to bear with me with this next bit,
because I'm contractually obliged to do it.
Gupta's parents have bunged loads of money into this show,
and in return I've got to give him his own section.
So here he is, in one of his many Channel 4 pilots.
Have a look at this.
Hello everybody, and welcome to my new Channel 4 pilot, Car Talk.
So Jurgen, what's going down here?
Well, this is the car that I won the 2006 Touring Car Championship in
and out of all the cars I've ever driven,
this really is the most sensssationalcar that I've...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoops-a-daisy.
What did you just say?
Out of all the cars I've driven, this is the mostsensssationalcar.
It's wonderful.
It's asensssationaldrive, you know?
So do you own thissensssationalcar?
No. It's owned by the manufacturer.
Oh.
What car do you drive
when you're not in this sensssationalmanufacturer's car?
I drive a Mercedes S-Class.
Suppose S is forsensssational, is it?
This fucking clown over here.
Are you looking for trouble?
I want trouble.
Then you've got trouble.
Let's do this thing.
Take that!
Shut up!
Take that!
Shut up!
Take that!
I said, you, shut up.
I love to fight.
Kiss my Dax.
Kiss my luxurious seats, you prick. Whooo!
Rargh!
Aaargh!
So, coming up after the break, ladies and gentlemen,
I'll be mucking around with Professor Green,
in a library, with a candlestick.
And I'll be showing you how to lift the world's biggest oar.
Join me in chi-chit.
Right. Welcome back to the second half, ladies and gentlemen.
Still to come in this half,
I will be mucking around with Professor Green,
and let me tell you,
I'm as keen as Colonel Mustard to crack on with that.
But before that, I've just got to go and take care of business over here, OK?
So, excuse me for one moment.
This is driving me up the bloody wall and I've got to deal with this.
Hello, angel. What's your name?
Amy.
Listen, Amy, I don't know who you think you are, right?
But I've been up there doing my thing now
and you have been staring at me, OK? I know you've got yourself
all dolled up and think, "Oh, yeah, I'm in with a chance." Right? Right?
But this is a nine or a ten
and, er, you are a four or...
if I take me specs off, you're five, OK?
So this, right? It ain't never gonna happen, OK?
It's best I just told you so you know where you stand, all right? OK?
And listen, love, you can forget about it an' all, OK?
Because I have moved on.
You were on the term then and you're on the turn now.
You are going to have to stop following me around!
If it's money you want, there you go.
Go and buy something for the kids
and stop bothering me, for God's sake!
Right.
Well done.
I had to.
I tell you what, mate?
What's that?
You don't half look good in a suit!
Whoa! Off the cloth, moth! This is for the ladies only, innit.
Someone's happy with their threads.
There's a couple of bits missing, but it's all cool, baby.
What the shit is that, man?
Don't worry. That's my special alarm to tell me
that Gabby Logan has arrived to do her show in the studio next door.
I know.
What I need you to do
is entertain the audience for me whilst I go and see Gabby Logan.
I know exactly what I'm going to do.
What?
The Charleston.
Right you are. OK.
Enjoy this, ladies and gentlemen.
Gupta Singh Gupta and the Charleston.
Right.
Hit it!
Excuse me, madam.
Gabby.
Angelos.
We need to talk.
What about?
Oh, don't play games with me, Gabby.
Don't pretend there's not a massive elephant in the room.
What do you mean?
The sexual tension between us must be killing you,
and I can make all that go away with a little fiddle about.
Excuse me.
Hello, Gupta.
Yes, I'm coming back now, OK? He's hopeless.
Sorry, Gabby, I've got to go.
Gupta's arse is hanging out.
One more thing.
I'd like to give you this.
Why?
Well, now we've both got the horn.
Well, that has sealed that deal.
Psst. Angelos.
What.
Get over here, man!
What you doing back here?
Look at this!
Bloody hell, Gupta!
Well, sort it out!
Right. There you go.
You said yourself there's a couple of bits missing.
Couple of buttons maybe, but the whole arse is hanging out, innit.
Well, let's have a look at it then, innit. That all right for you?
Yeah, yeah, that'll do.
That's a nice colour for you. It brings out your eye.
Do you think?
Not really, no.
OK, ladies and gentlemen. It's time now to introduce my next guest.
He's from London, he's a singer
and the rest you can get on Google.
Please welcome Professor Green!
Hello, Professor. You've come here to sing your song, innit?
I have, yeah.
But, yeah, no, you've got to earn the right to do it on this show,
I'm afraid. You can't just sing your song.
Wasn't the awkward entrance enough? You could've had a bigger door.
Yeah, we could've, but we didn't.
So let's just get on with what we've got to do.
All right then.
OMG! Who is this guy?!
You've got to earn the right. How's he going to earn the right, Gupta?
Lift animals.
There we go.
Gupta and I love lifting animals, Don't we, Gupta?
Yeah. We just do it for kicks.
That's right.
It's just for shits and giggles.
Yeah, yeah. For the shear fuck-off-ness of it all.
No, don't say that, Gupta.
Don't say that. Not in front of the Professor.
Sorry, man.
I love it. I don't ever get to swear. I go on radio
and it's like, "You can't say shit, fuck..."
Well, you carry on, you know!
I'm enjoying it. Fuck.
All right, that's your lot. Right.
So, we're gonna lift some animals.
When you have successfully lifted the animal, Gupta will say...
Clean lift.
OK?
Then you get to sing your song
and then we can all go home and watch New Tricks.
I'll show you how it's done, just to get the ball rolling,
and then you can have a go. Here we go.
Watch me go.
All right. Clean lift.
Yeah, thank you, Gupta.
You left me bloody hanging there, didn't you?
I'm not blinkin' Superman.
No, you're not Superman.
All right. Don't be cafetious.
Well, I think the word is facetious anyway.
Well, it depends how you say it.
Well, you never burr, burr...
I'm sorry, Professor. Are you ready?
Yeah. I need to get the lid of this one, don't I?
No, no, no, no, no. That's not your animal. That is my mascot
that enables me to lift a tortoise.
Your animal's over here. Come over here.
There we go.
Lovely. OK.
So, stand over here.
- What you want to do really is... - Oh, can you smell that?!
Yeah, yeah, I can.
Oh, God!
He stinks. I don't think that's him, actually.
No, it's me.
Could be him.
Ah, man!
Yeah, I know.
You know what to do.
Jesus!
Yeah.
Right above your head.
That's a clean lift!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Professor Green and Remedy.
♪ I sell it by the bottle
♪ Ship it by the crate
♪ Oh, I'll make it last all night
♪ I'm wide awake
♪ Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
♪ I've got the energy
♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh,
♪ I got the remedy
♪ Oh, we let it go
♪ So won't you come sit next me
♪ I got the remedy
♪ Oh, you never know
♪ I got the energy
♪ Oh, I could give you what you need
♪ I got the remedy
♪ My life's enough for anyone to get gassed up
♪ Whisky mist in a tin can
♪ And still get a quick lash
♪ They were looking at November 5th
♪ I won't remember anything memories are myths
♪ I'm a piss artist It's an art to me
♪ Last seen partying with Charlie Sheen
♪ True its half ten and I'm looking in the mirror at me
♪ So how come I can see two and a half men?
♪ I sell it by the bottle
♪ I ship it by the crate... ♪
Ow! Stop the pinning, man!
Well you wouldn't take your trousers off, would you?
I like the feel of it.
Then you've got to accept the needle.
Oh, you...!
Oh, shut up!
♪ I got the remedy
♪ Oh, oh, we let it go
♪ We let it go
♪ So won't you come sit next to me
♪ I got the remedy... ♪
Oh, you...!
Oh, shut up!
You shut up.
Pinning me all the time. You shut up.
Good night. See you later.
♪ She got me in her eyes No fear
♪ I'm in a vibe on a hype I could go all night no re-est
♪ Flow b-est no t-est
♪ Got chicks brain training no BS
♪ Jolly cos I bring my buds between my thigh
♪ And my ball are like a mad monk Man am I drunk and high
♪ Won't somebody body send Kate Nash my love?
♪ In a state of confusion
♪ Soberness is a problem I solve by way of solution
♪ I'm gonna start a revolution with my recipe
♪ Put it in a bottle call it the remedy
♪ Anybody every say they'll better me in rap?
♪ You know I got the remedy for that Are you mad?
♪ You need medicine therapy in fact
♪ And you know I got the remedy for that
♪ Are you mad blood?
♪ I sell it by the bottle
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Oh, I'll make it last all night
♪ Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
♪ I got the energy
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
♪ I got the remedy
♪ Oh, oh, we let it go
♪ So won't you come sit next to me
♪ I got the remedy
♪ Oh, oh, you never know
♪ You never know
♪ I could give you what you need
♪ I got the remedy. ♪
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate.