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Victoria Street, please, doll.
No problem, mate.
Who's got you ready? Stevie Wonder?
How much? £7.20.
Ta, love. Keep the change. Thanks.
All right. And, uh... good luck.
You'll need it looking like that.
"Payment in kind"?
"Payment in kind"?! Keep your wig on, mate.
No chance, you sweaty little bastard! All right!
No chance whatsoever! Right? No chance whatso-bloody-ever!
I wouldn't go near you with a bargepole. Stop it, will you?
People are watching. You little slimeball.
He's got a picture of his kids on the dashboard
and he's talking about payment in kind!
You forget about payment in kind, love.
All right, boys? All right, love.
Ooh, hello!
Jesus. Tracie, actually.
And I'd like a Multiple Orgasm. On the rocks?
Wherever, darling. I'm easy.
The groom is doomed! The groom is doomed!
To the groom! Cheers!
Cheers, lads. Cheers. Cheers.
To the end of your life. Cheers to the end.
The end is the beginning, the beginning is the end.
Come on, one for the bride, two for the groom.
Down in one. Cheers.
One, two, three, go!
Hello, could I have a cab to Victoria Street, please?
Hey! Romero's Bar, love.
Hey! How long? Excuse me!
What? What do you want?
How did he die? How did he die?
Who? Mr Twanky!
He bled to death, sweetheart, after I cut his balls off.
Ooh! Tremarco, Tracie.
Can you get one any sooner, love?
Why all this? You're not fooling no-one, you know what I mean?
I'm bothering no-one either.
Tell you what. What?
It's more than bothering me, as a matter of fact.
It's sickening. The last thing that I want, right...
Alan! Leave it, lad. Hang on!
Is some hairy-arsed nonce putting me off my ale.
Time you went.
Time I left? Get going now. I'm waiting for a taxi.
I've just booked, they're on their way. Then wait outside for it.
Wait outside. Pain in the arse.
Sad! That's what it should be!
Not "gay!" "Sad!"
Oi! You can drink up too.
What do you mean? Finish your drinks and leave.
You're a prick, you. Nice one.
Long story but I'm outside now. Hey! Lone female feeling vulnerable.
Listen, what is it with you, love? What's your problem? I mean...
Hello? Yeah? Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Listen, this is just a stab in the dark, lovey,
but I think I've upset you, haven't I? Yeah. Shall I tell you why?
Why I've upset you but not them? Yeah, go on.
It's cos they're confident about their sexuality, darling.
They don't have to kick off to prove they're men.
Hang on. Are you saying I'm a queer?
I'm just saying you're a bit confused, my sweet
but don't worry about that
because lots of men are, and to tell you the truth,
I think it's rather cute.
Hey. She's only trying to wind you up.
You're a sick bastard! Leave it! Fuck off!
You're a sick perverted bastard, do you know that? Move!
I'll kill you, you bent bastard! Why should I move?
I'm waiting for the taxi! Go and wait down the road.
Go and wait down the road!
Fuck off! You're a sick bastard!
You are, because you're a man
and I'll treat you like a man.
Hey-hey!
Where are you going?
Canning Street, why?
Jump in. I'll give you a lift.
Tony.
Thank you, Tony.
I'm sorry about Alan.
He's a prick when he's pissed.
And what's his excuse the rest of the time?
Good friend of yours, is he?
He's me brother.
You have my sympathy.
Do you get that a lot, do you? Aggro?
Unfortunately. So why do it?
Because it's who I am, darling.
Have you been doing it long?
Yeah.
What... always like that?
What are you implying?
You know what I'm implying.
Well, I'll never pass as a woman, if that's what you're implying, no.
But I can pass as a man's fantasy of a woman. You know,
like a tart and a whore. Anything.
What got you into it?
Have you never tottered around in your mother's stilettos?
Not once I turned 20, no.
If you take the next left, please, my love.
White van man?
Yeah, aerials and satellite dishes.
Well, look, Tony, I've heard it all before.
What? Supposedly straight men
professing an academic interest in my lifestyle.
But I think we both know why you wanted this, don't we?
So, you can either come in with me right now and satisfy your curiosity
or you can carry on home and spend the rest of your life regretting it.
It's been nice being with you.
Long time dead.
All rise.
'I wandered lonely as a cloud
'That floats on high o'er vales and hills
'And all at once, I saw a crowd
'A host of golden daffodils.'
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Do you notice how "fluttering" destroys the rhythm of the poem?
It's impossible to make the line scan
if you pronounce "fluttering" as a trisyllabic word
and that's what Wordsworth intended, of course.
'"Dee-dum dee-dum, dee-dum dee-dum,"
'and suddenly, that rhythm is shattered
'when he sees the fluttering and dancing daffodils
'and the chaos of nature.'
'But who hath seen her wave her hand?'
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land?
The Lady of Shalott?
Hello?
Hello. Is that... is that Tracie?
Speaking.
'It's me, Tony. I was here last week.'
I never dreamt it would be yours, sweetheart.
You what?
'You've come back for your pen.' What pen?
Erm...
What are you doing here?
I've come to see you.
Right, erm...
Oh, I'm just in the middle of something right now.
'Oh, right, sorry.' No, wait, wait.
Could you come back in an hour?
'Yeah, sound.' Yeah? All right, OK, sweetheart, I'll see you then.
Shit!
Been drinking? One or two.
Chin chin.
Cheers.
Am I OK to smoke?
Fire away.
What do you do for a living?
Nothing, doll. Tracie's a good-time girl.
How does she pay for this place?
SHE doesn't. Who does?
Simon. Simon?
Yes, darling. Simon, the most boring man on the planet.
Simon, who couldn't get a wank in a brothel.
What does he do?
Teaches English.
Does he like it?
Hates it. He's currently teaching romantic poetry,
otherwise known as Dee-dum-shite.
"O the mind, mind, has mountains, cliffs of fall,
"Frightful, sheer, no-man travelled.
"Hold them cheap Who ne'er hung there.
"Nor does long our durance deal with that steep, deep. Here! Creep!"
That's a poem. That's what he longs to teach.
But no, it's "dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-fucking-dum."
Shall we go to bed, sweetheart?
Yeah.
Come on, then.
Come on.
Ooh, someone's in a hurry.
Might I see you again?
You might do.
Well, do me a favour, darling...
Next time, book by appointment.
You turn up unannounced, you'll only be disappointed by what you find.
Know what I mean?
I won't ask for yours.
Married men don't give them out.
What makes you think I'm married?
A lifetime's experience, lovey.
Got married too early, couldn't go against the grain,
had to demonstrate your heterosexuality.
And now you find yourself in a loveless marriage,
life passing you by, that nagging voice at the back of your mind
asking, "Oh, is this all there is?"
But you'll never leave her.
So you snatch at chances like this, a chance to explore.
No harm in that,
so long as nobody finds out, of course.
Well, Tony, my love...
your secret's safe with me.
My wife's dead.
I'm sorry.
Did you have any kids?
Did you love her?
I'll see myself out.
'Willows whiten,'
Aspens quiver
Little breezes dusk and shiver
'Through the wave that runs forever
'By the island in the river,
'Flowing down to Camelot.
'Four grey walls and four grey towers
'Overlook a space of flowers
'And the silent isle imbowers The Lady of Shalott.'
'By the margin willow-veiled
'Slide the heavy barges trailed by slow horses, and unhailed
'The shallop flitteth, silken-sailed
'Skimming down to Camelot.'
'A bow shot from her bower-eaves
'He rode between the barley sheaves.
'The sun came dazzling through the leaves
'And flamed upon the brazen greaves
'Of bold Sir Lancelot.'
Dirty Secrets Limited. How can I help you?
It's me. 'What do you want?'
What?
I said what do you want?
'We've got a date.' We had a date. You missed it.
I had a pint with the lads. 'A pint?' A couple.
What you got in the bag?
Brandy. 'Piss off.'
What? I said piss off.
Why? Why?! Because I'm sick of you taking me for granted.
I'm sick of being your dirty little secret and I'm sick of you
'having to be as pissed as a fart every time you come near me.'
Yeah, but apart from that, I mean...
'Oh, piss off.'
Well... can I come back tomorrow?
You can do. I won't be here. 'You going somewhere nice?'
There's a club in town for girls like me.
I'd invite you, but...
I know you'd never have the balls to be seen out with me.
Ciao, darling.
I haven't got the balls to be seen out with you. Shall I tell you why?
Nothing like a bit of Dutch courage, is there?
It's because you make no bleeding effort to look like a woman,
a real woman. I never claimed to be Cheryl bloody Cole!
I never expected you to turn into Cheryl Cole
but you have to do better than Old King fucking Cole
if you want to be seen out in public with me.
So just have a go.
Eh?
What?
And you'll take me out?
We're a long time dead.
She left the web, she left the loom
She walked three paces through the room
She saw the water lilies bloom She saw the helmet
and the plume of bold Sir Lancelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide
The mirror cracked from side to side
"The curse is come upon me," cried The Lady of Shalott.
Hello, Tracie.
What do you want? Did I leave my pen behind? No.
You look nice.
Fuck off.
Hi, Andrew.
You watch heads swivel, Tracie, cos you are absolutely gorgeous. Right?
Right. Tony who?
Eh. Eh!
What are you doing? What are you playing at?
Leave it, Tony! What are you playing at? Tony!
I'm just a mate... Tony leave him alone!
What do you think you're playing at? There's nothing going on... Leave him you prick!
What do you mean you don't believe me? Turn the news on.
Major accident on the M62. Five mile tailback. So why not phone?
My phone was dead.
Look, I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry about before as well.
When I saw you with him... I just lost it, I'm sorry.
You look good.
You're getting nothing here tonight, darling.
A glass of wine and that's it.
I'm just saying you look good, that's all.
Thank you.
I'll make it up to you.
A weekend away somewhere.
Just the two of us.
Where d'you fancy?
The Lake District.
All right.
Soon as I can I'll sort it.
Promise.
Fancy a quick one before you go?
Thanks.
I don't mean that kind of quick one, darling.
All rise.
See you later. Bye-bye. Bye now.
Hello, darlin'. I've got an appointment with Karen.
Oh, right... Not a problem, is it?
No, not at all. I'm Karen. What name is it?
Tremarco. Tracie. And I'd like to look like Cheryl Cole, please.
Oh, erm, I'll take that, if you'd like to take a seat. Thank you.
Do you use concealer?
Not as a rule, no.
Oh, you really should. It acts as an undercoat for your foundation.
Helps cover all those tiny blemishes and imperfections.
It's also really useful for disguising dark beard tones.
Think you're very brave. Why, are you that bad?
No, no. I mean... we get a lot of celebs here
but I've never seen them get this kind of attention. Don't you mind everyone staring?
I'd be offended if they didn't, doll.
Now, when it comes to foundation,
always go with a shade that's closest to your own skin tone.
This one's from our liquid range.
It gives a really even cover and a natural finish.
Is everything OK?
Ah, yeah, yeah, sorry, I was just admiring your lipstick.
Oh, right. Oh... oh, it's new.
Yeah, we only got it in last week.
Have you worked here long? Nearly three years now. You enjoy it?
Yeah, but this is my favourite
part of the job. I trained as a make-up artist originally.
I do a lot of weddings and that. Oh, I'll bear that in mind..
You've got fabulous cheekbones,
so we really want to accentuate those.
Have you been married long?
12 year in August. It's flown.
What does he do?
He, erm, fits aerials and satellite dishes.
Got any kids?
Not yet, no.
But you'd like some?
Could you just close your eyes for me? Yeah.
So, do you dress like this full time?
No, it's not always practical.
Have you been doing it long?
Yeah. I repressed it a long time.
But Tracie's not the sort of girl that takes no for an answer.
Could you just look up for me? Yeah.
Too many people waste their lives in denial...
always pleasing other people, never themselves. Yeah.
And you're a long time dead. Oh, that's Tony's catchphrase.
Tony? Me husband, he's always saying it.
Usually when I'm nagging him about staying out late with his mates.
"Long time dead..."
So, come on, is there anyone special in your life?
There is someone, actually.
A bloke? Do I look like a dyke?
Sorry, I didn't want to assume, that's all.
It's been about three months now...
Ooh, getting serious then?
Well, I'm not sure about that. I found out he was married.
Oh. He'd not mentioned it before?
No, I did suspect it at the beginning
but he told me she was dead.
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know what to do.
Suits you..
Thank you.
Well, look on the bright side, she can't be as gorgeous as you.
You won't believe what happened to me today. What?
I had a bloke come in for a makeover. A transvestite.
A transvestite?
Yeah. Called himself Tracie. Said he wanted to look like Cheryl Cole.
I think I managed Myra Hindley.
'Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment
'so please leave your message after the tone.'
'It's me. Right, if you're there pick up. I need to see you.
'Look, you might as well answer cos I'm not gonna stop ringing until you do.
'OK, I need to see you.
'Come on.
'Just answer the phone, will ya? Right, I'm just gonna keep ringing.
'I've got to see you.
'Please, come on, Tracie, just pick the phone up, will ya?'
What can I get you mate? Brandy, please.
I used to think it was "my memory".
What? This song. Thought it was "my memory" for years
and then I saw this... saw someone singing it at a karaoke
and realised it was, "my man and me". Cheers, mate.
Made a lot more sense, you know.
Funny how songs get you like that, in't it?
Just goes to show it's the tune that gets you...
I'm straight, mate.
Sorry? I'm just waiting for someone.
She mightn't turn up but if that happens,
I'm just gonna get off on my own.
OK? Yeah, OK.
I just wouldn't want you to waste your time or energy.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do and I appreciate it.
No problem.
Can't blame a bloke for trying though, can you?
After all, long time dead.
It's you, isn't it? Don't apologise. No need.
I'm used to knock-backs when I'm Simon. I've no intention of apologising.
You saw Karen. I know you saw her. So how? How did you find her?
You passed me in the road. I was Simon, thus invisible.
And you led me to her. Why did you tell me she was dead?
Cos you were being a smart arse, reading me like a book,
treating me like a mug, you condescending prick.
She's beautiful. Yeah, I know she's beautiful. And there's nothing I wouldn't do to stop her getting hurt.
So just stay away from her. What do you think I'm gonna do? I know what you was up to.
Sitting in that chair, inches away from my wife,
nose against her tits, getting off on it, you dirty faggot.
You don't play games with my wife.
You don't play games with my life.
You go near her again and I'll kill you.
Right. I'll kill you! I swear, I will kill you if you do.
Right. Yeah, see I come from the real world, you see, you little prick,
and in the real world, there's no trannies, just pervs.
There's no... there's no gays, just queers!
You know something...? End of.
It never ceases to amaze me... End of. It never ceases to amaze me
the lengths men go to, to suppress the truth about themselves.
Well, I'm glad you've finally shown your true colours,
you spineless prick, because Tracie were convincing herself you weren't like all the others.
All right, fair enough, she's had her fair share of married men
but you were different, weren't ya? You came back,
and not just once, but time and time again.
That poor deluded cow, she'd started to convince herself
you two had something special.
You'd think she'd have learnt her lesson by now, wouldn't you?
Because the one thing she should know is men like you never leave
their wives for women like her. No, they don't, and they never will.
Right, you know what she said to me, my Karen?
She said, "He asked for a Cheryl Cole.
"I think I managed a Myra Hindley."
Have you seen my phone, love?
I had it this morning.
It's not in the car.
Who's Tracie?
I don't know.
'Hello. Your call cannot be taken at the moment
'so please leave your message after the tone.
'You're wrong. I'm not spineless.'
What?
'I'm not spineless.' No?
I've told her.
'Told her what?' Everything.
Is this a wind up?
'Do I sound like I'm joking?'
Well, why?
Because she deserves better than me.
How did she take it?
'She's over the moon.'
Where is she now?
She's gone to her mum's for the night.
I said I'd be gone by the time she gets back.
'So, you'd best pack your bags...' What?
'I've got to go away in the morning and I want you to come with me.'
Where? 'I don't know, anywhere.'
I'm working in the morning. 'Call in sick.
'Look, I'm not promising anything,
'but let's just go away for a few days, see what happens.'
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
Well, you'd better cos I'm coming for you at nine in the morning.
Love you.
All right?
You're coming like that?
Yeah, why?
Nothing, I just thought... Thanks very much, sweetheart.
No, no look I'm sorry. Thank you very much indeed.
No, I'm sorry. I'm just... You look wonderful.
Ah, thanks.
No, wait there.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're all right to drive, darling?
You look wiped out.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
On the day before the murder,
Tony Bains made repeated attempts to phone you, yes?
Yes.
What did he say?
He wanted to meet up.
Why?
To talk.
To plan?
No, to talk.
Did you talk about his wife?
Yes.
You meet. You discuss his wife.
He goes home and then murders her. Yes?
Yes.
And then immediately phones you again?
Yes.
Someone's popular.
Alan.
Is that Alan the Neanderthal?
Yeah.
Maureen.
Karen's mum.
Are you not hungry?
No.
When was the last time you ate?
Lunch time yesterday.
Didn't you have any dinner?
She cooked it for me but I didn't eat it.
You've been very brave.
Some people say things like, "Oh, I didn't have the heart to do it."
Whatever "it" is, whatever bad news "it" is,
when what they should be saying is,
"I lacked the emotional courage to do it." But not you.
And it was even harder for you
because you've got physical courage,
you're used to protecting people and shielding them from pain,
and suddenly you've got to
tell a woman you love something that will crucify her.
The temptation to deny yourself,
to go on sacrificing your own happiness, to go on living a lie,
it must've been overwhelming but you didn't succumb,
you did it, and I'm so proud of you for that, my darling,
so proud of you.
Young Simon used to lie in bed at night...
praying not to wake up,
"To cease upon the midnight with no pain."
But he kept waking up.
He realised he had to tell his parents he was gay or kill himself.
So he decided having a dead son was slightly worse than having
a gay one and that's why he told them.
So even when he came out he did it for other people.
We used to come here as kids.
Do you love me?
Yes.
What would you do for me?
Anything.
You know...
Living a lie isn't spineless.
Simon said that, dear, not me.
It takes guts. Endurance.
I love my wife.
I lusted after you, yeah, but I loved Karen.
How do you tell someone you love that the last 12 years
have been a lie?
12 years.
I couldn't do it.
Would've broke her heart.
Better a broken skull than a broken heart and that's not...
That's not cowardice, that's not lacking emotional courage,
that's just being human.
What are you saying?
I killed her.
I killed her because I couldn't hurt her.
I'm gonna have to weigh her down.
But I can't do that, I can't do it on my own,
I can't move the body out of the boat, or I'll tip the boat,
and I can't swim so you'll have to help me.
You've got to call the police. No, I can't. I can't.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Let's just do this together and then we'll live together,
then we'll go away anywhere you like, any country you like.
Just me and you. Just me and you.
She's in the boot?
You put her in the boot?
Your fingerprints are on the murder weapon.
Yes.
Can you explain that?
It was in the boot on top of the body.
I picked it up to defend myself.
And if I don't help you?
What happens if I don't help you?
Would you kill me as well?
Why had he put the body into the boot of the car?
To get rid of it.
You were helping him to dispose of it. No.
Why the middle of nowhere if not to dispose of the body?
I thought he wanted sex.
I'm sorry?
I said I thought he wanted sex.
With a man dressed as a woman?
Yes.
In the car?
Yes.
With his wife lying dead only inches away?
Listen, I have often had sex dressed as a woman.
I get more dressed as a woman than I ever do dressed as a man
but I have never knowingly slept with a man
while his wife lay dead just inches from me.
I did not know she was there!
Have you asked Tony Baines to give evidence on your behalf?
Yes.
Is he going to?
No.
He was with you the whole time.
He's confessed to the murder of his wife
so he has absolutely nothing to lose.
If you're telling the truth he would vouch for what you say. Yes?
Yes.
How d'you think it's going?
You can never tell.
Do you think they'll find me guilty?
I don't think any such thing.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Look, could you ask the judge a question for me please?
For the avoidance of doubt, this is the accused.
What shall I call you?
Tracie Tremarco, your honour.
Very well, Miss Tremarco, go ahead.
Thank you.
Tony's confessed to murder, the prosecution says,
and he's getting life anyway
so he's nothing to lose, so why not confirm my story?
He's got everything to lose.
Prison when you've murdered your wife, that's hard.
Prison when you've murdered your wife to sleep with
a girl like me, that's not hard, that's hell.
Life in prison for a nonce, and that's what they'll call him,
life for a nonce is absolute hell
and that's why he's keeping his mouth shut.
This is how I was dressed when I was arrested.
And it caused a bit of a stir right now when I just walked in.
Happens all the time.
Now I don't know about you but if I'm getting into a car with
a body in it, the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself.
I doubt I'd dress like this!
These are the nails I had on.
French, natural ivory, cost a fortune.
Now, you do not wear these to drag a body from a car,
put it in a boat and then dump it in the middle of a lake.
Similarly...
These.
These are the shoes I had on.
Italian court, saddle stitched, 7.5 centimetre heel.
How do I dispose of a body in these...
when I can just about walk through the court in them?
I'm innocent, members of the jury.
Totally innocent.
All rise.
Members of the jury, are you agreed upon a verdict?
We are.
Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty of murder?
Not guilty.
Right, settle down please.
And is that the verdict of you all?
It is.
City centre, please, darling.
'There she weaves by night and day
'A magic web with colours gay
'She has heard a whisper say
'A curse is on her if she stay
'To look down to Camelot.'
'Lancelot said, "Her case is won. Knickers down, let's have some fun."
'And then the dirty bastard gave her one
'The Lady of Shalott.'
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