1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,201 Previously on "Melissa & Joey"... 2 00:00:01,290 --> 00:00:03,058 Something terrible has happened. 3 00:00:03,059 --> 00:00:04,793 There is enormous scandal at Prodko. 4 00:00:04,827 --> 00:00:06,728 If she married a U.S. citizen, 5 00:00:06,763 --> 00:00:08,797 I could save her from being extradited. 6 00:00:08,831 --> 00:00:11,333 Will you marry me and become a U.S. citizen? 7 00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:15,604 - Da! - This is the happiest moment of my life. 8 00:00:15,638 --> 00:00:17,372 Holy cannoli. 9 00:00:19,009 --> 00:00:22,094 "Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience. 10 00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:24,396 I must call my parents and tell them of your proposal 11 00:00:24,431 --> 00:00:26,298 and that we are to be green-card married. 12 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,400 I'm sure they've been waiting years to get that phone call. 13 00:00:28,435 --> 00:00:30,436 Oh, they're gonna be so proud. 14 00:00:30,470 --> 00:00:32,538 Tell them that their fake son-in-law says "hey." 15 00:00:32,572 --> 00:00:34,506 - ( Chuckles ) - Hey, Joe, listen, 16 00:00:34,541 --> 00:00:36,408 I hate to get all rational on you-- 17 00:00:36,443 --> 00:00:38,444 Must be why you never do it. ( Clears throat ) 18 00:00:38,978 --> 00:00:43,382 So, um-- this marrying a total stranger from a different hemisphere, 19 00:00:43,416 --> 00:00:47,186 was that a stupid idea or incredibly stupid idea? 20 00:00:48,555 --> 00:00:50,556 It was totally spontaneous. I mean, I saw a woman 21 00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:54,159 in distress and-- bam-- just leapt into action. 22 00:00:54,194 --> 00:00:55,327 Oh, like a superhero? 23 00:00:55,362 --> 00:00:58,263 Those are your words, but they're accurate. 24 00:00:59,432 --> 00:01:02,267 So your thought process 25 00:01:02,302 --> 00:01:04,269 was basically-- bam. 26 00:01:04,304 --> 00:01:06,538 Mel, when a fireman rescues a lady from a burning building, 27 00:01:06,573 --> 00:01:09,274 - they don't stop to ask questions. - Yeah, but firemen aren't 28 00:01:09,309 --> 00:01:12,244 usually boinking people on the way down the ladder. 29 00:01:12,278 --> 00:01:14,079 Why is this bothering you so much? 30 00:01:14,114 --> 00:01:15,280 Oh, I don't know. Maybe because one of us 31 00:01:15,315 --> 00:01:17,216 doesn't have a career that's yet ruined. 32 00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:20,185 You work for me. I don't want to be involved in some potential scandal. 33 00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:22,354 There's no scandal, all right? I'm just helping somebody out. 34 00:01:22,389 --> 00:01:25,424 Someone who's kind, and sweet, and hot, 35 00:01:25,458 --> 00:01:27,426 and honest, vulnerable 36 00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:29,561 and extremely hot. 37 00:01:29,596 --> 00:01:32,531 Hey, which brain is making the decision here, Joe? 38 00:01:32,565 --> 00:01:34,433 The upper brain or the lower brain? 39 00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:36,535 Before you judge, would you just think about it, please? 40 00:01:36,569 --> 00:01:39,171 Okay, fine. For you, I'll think about it. 41 00:01:39,205 --> 00:01:40,539 Bam! 44 00:01:46,179 --> 00:01:47,479 - ♪ it's okay - ♪ Okay 45 00:01:47,514 --> 00:01:49,348 - ♪ it's all right - ♪ All right 46 00:01:49,382 --> 00:01:51,283 ♪ as far as I can see 47 00:01:51,317 --> 00:01:52,584 ♪ it's all good ♪ all good 48 00:01:52,619 --> 00:01:54,586 - ♪ it's okay - ♪ Okay 49 00:01:54,621 --> 00:01:56,422 - ♪ it's all right - ♪ All right 50 00:01:56,456 --> 00:01:59,324 ♪ I guess you're stuck 51 00:01:59,359 --> 00:02:02,194 ♪ with me. 52 00:02:02,695 --> 00:02:06,766 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 53 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:10,202 How does this work? We heat this thing up and it turns into food? 54 00:02:10,236 --> 00:02:13,539 You want me to heat up my cellphone and call for pizza? 55 00:02:14,323 --> 00:02:15,657 Ah. Thank goodness you're home. 56 00:02:15,658 --> 00:02:17,342 What is this, chicken or beef? 57 00:02:17,377 --> 00:02:19,578 That's the ice pack I've been using for my groin injury. 58 00:02:21,314 --> 00:02:22,548 Eww. 59 00:02:22,582 --> 00:02:24,450 What? Here. 60 00:02:25,552 --> 00:02:27,352 Turkey casserole, all right? 61 00:02:27,387 --> 00:02:29,087 Protein, vegetables-- everything you need. 62 00:02:29,122 --> 00:02:32,224 Plus it goes great with ice pack. 63 00:02:32,258 --> 00:02:35,327 So how'd it go at City Hall? Did you get the marriage license? 64 00:02:35,361 --> 00:02:38,430 No, I gotta go back in the morning, bring 'em my frigging birth certificate. 65 00:02:38,465 --> 00:02:41,300 You do not realize how many pieces of paperwork you have to throw at these people 66 00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:43,569 when your bride-to-be's only been in the country for 10 days. 67 00:02:43,603 --> 00:02:46,104 It's like they think I'm trying to pull a fast one on them or something. 68 00:02:46,139 --> 00:02:48,140 You are. 69 00:02:48,174 --> 00:02:50,142 Yeah, maybe, but I'm doing the right thing, all right? 70 00:02:50,176 --> 00:02:51,443 And I'm having a lot of fun doing it. 71 00:02:54,347 --> 00:02:57,182 Am I the only one who thinks this sham wedding is nuts? 72 00:02:57,217 --> 00:02:59,051 Do you really want my opinion 73 00:02:59,085 --> 00:03:00,352 or do you want me to just nod along? 74 00:03:00,386 --> 00:03:02,321 Just nod along. 75 00:03:02,355 --> 00:03:06,191 Okay, for starters, you know, it's illegal. 76 00:03:06,226 --> 00:03:08,227 And how is this even gonna work? 77 00:03:08,261 --> 00:03:11,129 What, is Elena gonna get an apartment? How long do they have to stay married? 78 00:03:11,164 --> 00:03:12,431 Are they gonna have pretend kids? 79 00:03:12,465 --> 00:03:15,367 Well, if they do, they better get on the waiting list for pretend preschool. 80 00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:18,103 Come on, give Joe a break. 81 00:03:18,137 --> 00:03:19,438 What he's doing is really great. 82 00:03:19,472 --> 00:03:22,140 What?! This is why I told you to nod along. 83 00:03:22,175 --> 00:03:24,042 What is so great about it? Name one single thing. 84 00:03:24,077 --> 00:03:25,444 He's saving an innocent person 85 00:03:25,478 --> 00:03:28,280 from arrest, deportation and jail. 86 00:03:28,314 --> 00:03:30,349 He's risking himself to help another person. 87 00:03:30,383 --> 00:03:32,384 He's like... Gandhi. 88 00:03:34,087 --> 00:03:36,154 The only thing Joe and Gandhi have in common 89 00:03:36,189 --> 00:03:37,523 is they both like to go around shirtless. 90 00:03:39,158 --> 00:03:40,425 When the law is wrong, 91 00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,327 you can either stand aside and do nothing 92 00:03:42,362 --> 00:03:44,329 or you can jump on board and fight injustice. 93 00:03:44,364 --> 00:03:46,331 Okay, why can't you just go to the mall 94 00:03:46,366 --> 00:03:48,367 and buy some slutty tops like a regular teenager? 95 00:03:48,401 --> 00:03:50,469 Totes! Can I have, like, $80? 96 00:03:50,503 --> 00:03:53,171 Ashley and I are so getting our ears pierced some more. 97 00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:56,375 - Happy? - Not so much. 98 00:04:00,246 --> 00:04:03,015 Oh hey, Aunt Mel, found this great website-- 99 00:04:03,049 --> 00:04:05,350 "Make your green card marriage look real." 100 00:04:05,385 --> 00:04:07,085 I don't wanna hear this. 101 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,221 I am not involved in this illegal activity in any way. 102 00:04:09,255 --> 00:04:12,424 Got it. Hey, which invitation do you like better, 103 00:04:12,458 --> 00:04:15,027 the one with the wedding bells or the one with the birds? 104 00:04:15,061 --> 00:04:18,163 Didn't you hear me? I refuse to be drawn into this international felony. 105 00:04:18,197 --> 00:04:20,265 Birds-- always go with the birds. 106 00:04:22,268 --> 00:04:26,104 How is pulling sweater over eyes of Uncle Sam going, my favorite boy? 107 00:04:27,373 --> 00:04:29,374 I'm, uh... ( Laughing ) 108 00:04:33,446 --> 00:04:35,514 I forgot what I was gonna say. 109 00:04:37,317 --> 00:04:39,251 - Invitations. - Oh right. 110 00:04:39,285 --> 00:04:42,154 Yeah, well, I printed up a few that I thought you might like. 111 00:04:42,188 --> 00:04:45,090 These are beautiful. 112 00:04:45,124 --> 00:04:46,458 You've done so much for me. 113 00:04:46,992 --> 00:04:49,328 Yeah, well, we still need to get wedding photos. 114 00:04:49,362 --> 00:04:52,097 There's a lot to do if we really wanna pull this off. 115 00:04:52,131 --> 00:04:55,367 - How can I ever thank you? - Don't go down that road. 116 00:04:55,401 --> 00:04:58,403 ( Knocks on door ) Agent Miles Purvis, Immigration. 117 00:04:58,438 --> 00:05:02,174 - ( Gasps ) It's the feds! - Uh, just a sec! I'm all naked! 118 00:05:02,208 --> 00:05:06,044 - This is just great! - Where is Joe? I'm not ready. 119 00:05:06,079 --> 00:05:09,348 - I wouldn't know what to say! - Hide up in my bedroom! Let's go! 120 00:05:12,318 --> 00:05:14,252 What are you gonna tell them? You can't tell them the truth. 121 00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:16,088 He's a federal agent. I can't lie to him. 122 00:05:16,122 --> 00:05:19,157 Okay, let me talk to him. I'm 16. I can lie all day. 123 00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:22,527 - You just smile and look pretty. - That I can do. 124 00:05:25,431 --> 00:05:27,232 - Hello. - Are you Mel Burke? 125 00:05:27,266 --> 00:05:30,268 - Yes, I am. - I'm Mel Burke. Please come in. 126 00:05:30,803 --> 00:05:33,038 I'm here about a marriage license 127 00:05:33,072 --> 00:05:35,340 applied for by a Joseph P. Longo. 128 00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:38,210 Since the woman he is marrying is on a tourist visa from Russia, 129 00:05:38,244 --> 00:05:41,213 - it raised a few red flags. - I totally understand. 130 00:05:41,247 --> 00:05:43,115 - Won't you have a seat? - We don't do that. 131 00:05:44,384 --> 00:05:46,284 I can tell you firsthand 132 00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:49,421 how incredibly in love Joe and Elena are. 133 00:05:49,455 --> 00:05:53,191 It's not just Miss Romanov's visa status that's raising suspicions. 134 00:05:53,226 --> 00:05:56,395 It's also Mr. Longo's checkered past, his pattern of behavior. 135 00:05:57,029 --> 00:05:59,231 I wouldn't put anything past Mr. Longo. 136 00:05:59,265 --> 00:06:01,299 - We all know what he's done. - What are you talking about? 137 00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:04,202 His involvement in a Ponzi scheme. He has a history of fraud. 138 00:06:04,237 --> 00:06:09,007 Uh, okay. Well, he was completely innocent of that. 139 00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:11,076 He was a victim and he lost everything too. 140 00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:13,311 You don't know Joe Longo at all. 141 00:06:13,346 --> 00:06:15,113 If you're such an expert on the man, 142 00:06:15,148 --> 00:06:16,448 tell me how you know their relationship is legitimate. 143 00:06:16,482 --> 00:06:19,317 - I don't have to prove anything to you. - Actually, you do, 144 00:06:19,352 --> 00:06:21,153 because if he's trying to defraud the government, 145 00:06:21,187 --> 00:06:22,354 there will be serious consequences. 146 00:06:22,388 --> 00:06:25,057 Okay, well, let me tell you something, Buster. 147 00:06:25,091 --> 00:06:27,192 First of all, if you wanna touch 148 00:06:27,226 --> 00:06:28,460 my pictures and my candy dishes, get a warrant. 149 00:06:28,494 --> 00:06:33,098 And second, Joe and Elena's love is as legitimate as-- 150 00:06:33,132 --> 00:06:36,435 as these wedding invitations. Huh. 151 00:06:36,469 --> 00:06:39,271 "Mr. and Mrs. your name here request the honor of your"-- 152 00:06:39,305 --> 00:06:42,240 this is a first draft. But look at those birds. 153 00:06:42,275 --> 00:06:44,209 I mean if that's not a symbol of true love, I don't know what is. 154 00:06:44,243 --> 00:06:45,444 Yeah, is that all you got? 155 00:06:45,478 --> 00:06:49,381 No, there's tons of other stuff, like-- 156 00:06:49,415 --> 00:06:51,450 Like a killer wedding dress. 157 00:06:51,484 --> 00:06:54,086 Anyone can buy a dress. That proves nothing. 158 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,288 Okay, look, you know I'm a city councilwoman. 159 00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:58,156 If this wasn't a real relationship, 160 00:06:58,191 --> 00:07:00,058 - would I be officiating the wedding? - You're gonna what? 161 00:07:01,093 --> 00:07:04,229 Every time I hear it, it's like the first time. 162 00:07:04,263 --> 00:07:06,998 Really? You'll be performing the ceremony? 163 00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:09,367 Yeah, stick that in your report, secret agent man. 164 00:07:09,402 --> 00:07:11,436 I'm marrying Joe Longo. 165 00:07:17,552 --> 00:07:18,886 Elena? 166 00:07:19,602 --> 00:07:20,934 Hey, he's gone. You're safe. 167 00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:22,703 I overheard what you said. 168 00:07:22,737 --> 00:07:24,571 You will perform the wedding? This is truths? 169 00:07:24,606 --> 00:07:26,807 Yeah, I heard me say it too. 170 00:07:26,841 --> 00:07:28,876 - Oh. - Oh! 171 00:07:28,910 --> 00:07:31,545 You are the best BFF Friend a woman has ever had. 172 00:07:31,579 --> 00:07:33,881 Now we have to find a real wedding dress 173 00:07:33,915 --> 00:07:35,649 so it will not look like you were lying. 174 00:07:35,683 --> 00:07:38,619 That wasn't a lie. There is a dress. 175 00:07:40,955 --> 00:07:43,724 Here you go. Meet Vera. 176 00:07:43,758 --> 00:07:45,592 Someone should get some use out of her. 177 00:07:45,627 --> 00:07:47,861 - Ah, she is amazing. - Yeah, she should be. 178 00:07:47,896 --> 00:07:49,663 She cost as much as a small car. 179 00:07:49,748 --> 00:07:51,549 Why didn't I buy a car? 180 00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:53,350 You know, a car doesn't silently mock you 181 00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,718 from the back of your closet for three years. 182 00:07:54,753 --> 00:07:57,454 Why does your wedding dress have name? 183 00:07:57,489 --> 00:07:59,390 Well, I talk to it a lot 184 00:07:59,424 --> 00:08:02,493 and if it didn't have a name, I would just feel crazy. 185 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:06,330 You're not crazy as long as wedding dress does not talk back to you. 186 00:08:06,364 --> 00:08:09,300 So where does it come from? 187 00:08:09,334 --> 00:08:11,702 Well, I was engaged once 188 00:08:11,736 --> 00:08:15,539 and right before the wedding, there was just one little problem-- 189 00:08:15,574 --> 00:08:18,409 I realized he wasn't the one, so I called it off. 190 00:08:18,443 --> 00:08:20,711 That must've created great unhappiness for you. 191 00:08:20,745 --> 00:08:24,448 Mmm, yeah, those were 83 mighty unpleasant phone calls. 192 00:08:24,482 --> 00:08:26,383 Oh, and I lost the cake deposit too. 193 00:08:27,519 --> 00:08:31,555 Wow, cake laws in this country are very strict. 194 00:08:31,590 --> 00:08:35,693 Hey, can we keep the story about my almost wedding just between you and me? 195 00:08:35,727 --> 00:08:38,395 You know, there's been enough truth in this house for one day. 196 00:08:38,463 --> 00:08:40,497 - Mm-hmm. - Hey, Mel, 197 00:08:40,532 --> 00:08:42,533 Lennox just told me some Immigration guy was here at the house. 198 00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:45,302 - Is everything okay? - Yes, she saved us 199 00:08:45,337 --> 00:08:47,438 and she also said she would perform our wedding. 200 00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:51,442 Really? You're gonna marry me? 201 00:08:51,476 --> 00:08:54,411 Yeah. I mean, not just you-- both of you. 202 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:57,414 ( Chuckles ) It just sounded weird the way you said it. 203 00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,350 That's great, Burke. What made you change your mind? 204 00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:01,352 Oh, well, I just couldn't stand by and let-- 205 00:09:01,386 --> 00:09:03,587 let Elena go to jail. 206 00:09:03,622 --> 00:09:05,623 She also said kind things about you 207 00:09:05,657 --> 00:09:07,591 and defended you to that bad man. 208 00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:10,327 Oh, please, I doubt I'd be defending Joe. Does that sound like me at all? 209 00:09:10,362 --> 00:09:12,263 No, it doesn't sound like you at all, no. 210 00:09:12,297 --> 00:09:14,531 Well, thank you, Burke. All right, I'm gonna go invite 211 00:09:14,566 --> 00:09:16,333 some of my gym buddies to the wedding. 212 00:09:16,368 --> 00:09:18,335 I'm gonna try to pass 'em off as some of my cousins, 213 00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:21,538 although it's gonna be difficult 'cause those guys aren't as cut as I am. 214 00:09:21,573 --> 00:09:24,241 - Oh, but who is. - Well-- 215 00:09:24,276 --> 00:09:25,609 yeah, no one I know. 216 00:09:25,644 --> 00:09:28,312 Yeah, like I'd be defending that. 217 00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:35,352 Thank you all for coming to this completely real and legitimate wedding. 218 00:09:35,387 --> 00:09:37,421 Please feel free to nosh on our disaster supplies. 219 00:09:37,455 --> 00:09:39,623 We've got some great beef jerky, some water packets, 220 00:09:39,658 --> 00:09:42,459 um, but please leave the flares. 221 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,528 All right, we'll get started in just a minute. 222 00:09:45,562 --> 00:09:47,331 I can't believe you're not a mess. 223 00:09:47,365 --> 00:09:49,733 I always thought that when this day came, it would be you and Joe. 224 00:09:49,768 --> 00:09:52,369 Or better yet, me and Joe. 225 00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:56,540 And 50 white doves released into the air as everyone says, "He's a lucky man." 226 00:09:57,574 --> 00:09:59,643 Yeah, okay. Well, don't let this get around, Stephanie, 227 00:09:59,678 --> 00:10:01,612 but this is a fake wedding. 228 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:04,381 This is just to get Elena a green card. That's all it's about. 229 00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:06,383 That's why we need the video to help sell it. 230 00:10:06,418 --> 00:10:07,584 You're not just saying all this to make me feel good? 231 00:10:07,619 --> 00:10:09,520 I would never do that. 232 00:10:09,554 --> 00:10:11,288 So I still have a shot with Joe? 233 00:10:11,323 --> 00:10:13,557 Let's just say your chances haven't changed. 234 00:10:15,293 --> 00:10:17,328 Yes! 235 00:10:18,330 --> 00:10:19,697 - Hey, Joe. - Hey. 236 00:10:19,731 --> 00:10:22,266 So this is it, huh? 237 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,701 You ready to take that big pretend step? 238 00:10:23,735 --> 00:10:26,570 - Yeah, is my tie right? - Close. 239 00:10:27,739 --> 00:10:31,375 Wow, you really clean up nice, Longo. 240 00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,644 - Thanks for doing this, Burke. - Who says I'm doing it for you? 241 00:10:33,678 --> 00:10:37,481 I'm doing it for truth, justice and sticking it to the man. 242 00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:40,651 Well, thanks for sticking it to the man. 243 00:10:41,185 --> 00:10:43,587 - Shall we? - Yeah, let's get you married. 244 00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,623 For better or worse, but not for real. 245 00:10:46,658 --> 00:10:49,426 ( Joe chuckles ) 246 00:10:49,461 --> 00:10:51,462 ( Organ music playing ) 247 00:11:14,418 --> 00:11:16,320 I can't believe how beautiful... 248 00:11:16,354 --> 00:11:17,755 Joe looks. 249 00:11:19,691 --> 00:11:23,260 - Uh, what about Elena? - Tall show-off. 250 00:11:23,294 --> 00:11:25,562 "Ooh, look at me, I'm the bride." 251 00:11:33,671 --> 00:11:35,439 Thank you, Ryder. 252 00:11:37,575 --> 00:11:38,776 Thank-- thank-- 253 00:11:40,345 --> 00:11:41,578 unclench. 254 00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:43,781 - It's just so hard to watch her go. - I know. 255 00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:50,521 Wow. You look, um... 256 00:11:51,723 --> 00:11:55,592 - Damn. - Right back on you, handsome man. 257 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,228 Okay, hey hey, you two, let's not oversell 258 00:11:58,263 --> 00:11:59,463 this whole "we're really in love" thing, okay? 259 00:11:59,497 --> 00:12:01,331 Let's remember why we're here. 260 00:12:01,366 --> 00:12:03,567 "Dear friends, we are gathered here today 261 00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,569 to unite this man and this woman"-- 262 00:12:05,603 --> 00:12:07,604 The most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 263 00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:11,642 If that is true, it is only because my heart is so full of love. 264 00:12:11,676 --> 00:12:13,444 I feel it too. 265 00:12:13,478 --> 00:12:16,313 Wow, they are so convincing. 266 00:12:16,347 --> 00:12:18,282 Oh, this is all part of the act. 267 00:12:18,316 --> 00:12:21,452 I'm losing confidence in my future as Mrs. Longo. 268 00:12:22,554 --> 00:12:24,354 I can't believe this is really happening. 269 00:12:24,389 --> 00:12:26,457 - I can't believe it either. - What are you doing, Burke? 270 00:12:26,491 --> 00:12:28,258 I'm sticking to the plan. What are you two doing? 271 00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:30,327 - Hey, Burke-- - Okay, fine! 272 00:12:31,361 --> 00:12:33,263 - I lost my place. - Will you just go to the good part, please? 273 00:12:33,298 --> 00:12:35,732 Okay okay. "Elena Romanov," 274 00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:37,568 do you take this man, Joseph Longo, 275 00:12:37,602 --> 00:12:39,303 "to be your lawfully wedded husband?" 276 00:12:39,837 --> 00:12:42,439 - I do. - I object. 277 00:12:42,474 --> 00:12:44,241 - What? - Sidebar. 278 00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:45,642 S-- side-- hey, 279 00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:47,544 you can't officiate and object at the same time. 280 00:12:47,579 --> 00:12:49,480 Oh yeah? It's my office. I can do anything I want. 281 00:12:50,748 --> 00:12:52,516 Burke. 282 00:12:54,486 --> 00:12:57,221 - What the hell's going on? - That's what I was gonna ask you. 283 00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:59,423 You said this was a rescue mission, not a love connection. 284 00:12:59,457 --> 00:13:01,658 Well, I thought it was too, but the truth is 285 00:13:03,328 --> 00:13:04,661 I think I'm falling in love with her, Burke. 286 00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:07,531 You're falling in love with your fiancee? Who does that?! 287 00:13:08,566 --> 00:13:11,335 Well, when she was walking toward me, 288 00:13:11,369 --> 00:13:13,470 - looking the way she does in that dress-- - It's just a dress. 289 00:13:13,505 --> 00:13:16,640 I know, I know, but I saw more than the dress, Burke. 290 00:13:16,674 --> 00:13:20,410 I think-- I think maybe I saw my future. 291 00:13:20,445 --> 00:13:23,447 Okay, it's a dress, not a magic eight ball. 292 00:13:23,481 --> 00:13:25,482 Joe, this isn't what I signed on for. 293 00:13:25,517 --> 00:13:28,519 True love destroys the whole foundation of a sham wedding. 294 00:13:29,621 --> 00:13:32,222 Well, I think now it's a real wedding. 295 00:13:32,257 --> 00:13:35,259 Which is better for you anyway, right? Because everything's 296 00:13:35,293 --> 00:13:37,394 on the up and up. There's no scandal and nobody gets hurt. 297 00:13:38,396 --> 00:13:40,230 Well, yeah yeah, nobody. 298 00:13:40,265 --> 00:13:42,466 - It's a win-win now. - Yeah. 299 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,268 And everybody's happy, right? 300 00:13:44,302 --> 00:13:45,736 Yeah, everybody except... 301 00:13:47,372 --> 00:13:49,339 Stephanie. 302 00:13:50,475 --> 00:13:52,309 "Do you, Joseph Longo, 303 00:13:52,343 --> 00:13:54,611 take Elena Romanov to be your legally wedded wife?" 304 00:13:54,646 --> 00:13:56,713 Take your time. No pressure. 305 00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,249 - I do. - Final answer? 306 00:14:00,285 --> 00:14:03,253 - I do. - Okey-dokey. 307 00:14:03,288 --> 00:14:05,522 "By the power vested in me"-- blah blah blah-- 308 00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:08,258 "I now pronounce you man and wife." 309 00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:09,760 No no no, no time for any of that. 310 00:14:09,794 --> 00:14:12,496 This is a government office. I have a 4:00 with the head of sanitation. 311 00:14:12,530 --> 00:14:14,631 Uh, Stephanie will validate your parking. 312 00:14:14,666 --> 00:14:18,302 And don't try to sneak across the street to target, 'cause we tow. 313 00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,481 Back in the bag, Vera. 314 00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,581 Oh, quit mocking me! 315 00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,981 Hey, Aunt Mel. How you doing? 316 00:14:38,016 --> 00:14:41,051 Oh, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm super good and getting better, yeah. 317 00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:43,287 And not talking to dresses, 'cause that would make me crazy. 318 00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:47,157 You know, it's okay if you're upset about losing Joe... 319 00:14:47,191 --> 00:14:50,394 - As a nanny. - ( Scoffs ) I don't care about Joe. 320 00:14:50,428 --> 00:14:53,163 You know, my life will go on without him. I don't need him. 321 00:14:53,197 --> 00:14:55,399 ( Cellphone ringing ) 322 00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:58,168 Oh, it's Joe! I mean, just Joe. 323 00:14:58,202 --> 00:15:01,105 Hey, Joe, how's the hotel room I paid for 324 00:15:01,190 --> 00:15:02,557 just to prove how okay I am with everything? 325 00:15:03,091 --> 00:15:04,458 Hey, Burke, I got a crazy question for ya: 326 00:15:04,493 --> 00:15:06,294 Um, is Elena there at the house? 327 00:15:06,328 --> 00:15:08,862 - No, what happened? - I don't know. 328 00:15:09,897 --> 00:15:12,166 We got here to the hotel. Everything was going great. 329 00:15:12,201 --> 00:15:13,401 We were laughing, opened up a bottle of champagne 330 00:15:13,435 --> 00:15:15,303 and then she got this phone call. 331 00:15:15,337 --> 00:15:17,104 She stepped out in the hallway to take it 332 00:15:17,139 --> 00:15:18,539 and the next thing I heard was a bunch of shouting in Russian. 333 00:15:18,574 --> 00:15:20,508 What was she saying? 334 00:15:22,211 --> 00:15:25,246 I don't know, on account of its russianness. 335 00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:28,149 Anyway, it got quiet. 336 00:15:28,183 --> 00:15:29,550 I went out there to see what was going on and she wasn't there. 337 00:15:29,585 --> 00:15:32,119 I've called her several times on her cellphone, 338 00:15:32,154 --> 00:15:34,121 but she didn't pick up. 339 00:15:34,156 --> 00:15:37,491 - Oh, Joe. - I know. This is bad, Burke. 340 00:15:37,526 --> 00:15:39,293 Okay, well, she'll be back. 341 00:15:39,328 --> 00:15:42,396 Yeah, she probably ran out to get some honeymoon supplies, 342 00:15:42,431 --> 00:15:46,133 like breath mints and thank-you notes. 343 00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:47,602 You know what? You just sit tight. I'll go look for her. 344 00:15:49,204 --> 00:15:51,606 - Elena's missing. - The feds got her. 345 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:55,343 Relax, honey. This is probably just your garden-variety runaway bride. 346 00:15:55,877 --> 00:15:58,912 Don't runaway brides usually run away before the wedding? 347 00:15:58,947 --> 00:16:02,916 Lennox, any woman involved with Joe Longo is always a flight risk. 348 00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:09,823 Well, I looked all over town. I went to Little Moscow, the Toledo Tea Room 349 00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:12,626 - and then I went to Costco. - You went-- wha-- 350 00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:15,729 my wife is missing and you're out buying toilet paper in bulk? 351 00:16:15,764 --> 00:16:17,698 She loves Costco, okay? 352 00:16:17,732 --> 00:16:19,933 The long lines remind her of home. 353 00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:23,804 - What if she doesn't come back, Burke? - Oh Joe, she'll come back. 354 00:16:25,707 --> 00:16:27,641 Holy crap, she's back! 355 00:16:27,675 --> 00:16:29,910 - Just as I predicted. - Elena. 356 00:16:29,944 --> 00:16:32,012 Hey, I was so worried about you. 357 00:16:32,846 --> 00:16:34,915 What's-- what's with the suitcase? 358 00:16:34,949 --> 00:16:36,817 Are we gonna go on a real honeymoon? 359 00:16:36,851 --> 00:16:38,919 I have most saddest news. 360 00:16:38,953 --> 00:16:41,855 My coworker, Konstantin-- who has done nothing wrong-- 361 00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,924 will be blamed for Prodko scandal. 362 00:16:43,958 --> 00:16:47,661 - He will be falling man. - Oh, you mean fall guy. 363 00:16:47,695 --> 00:16:49,763 Not important. Please continue. 364 00:16:49,798 --> 00:16:52,733 He will go to jail unless I return to Russia and testify. 365 00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,701 No no no, you can't-- you can't go back there. 366 00:16:54,736 --> 00:16:56,103 It's not safe for you to return there. That's why we did this whole thing. 367 00:16:56,137 --> 00:16:58,005 Can't somebody else do it? 368 00:16:58,039 --> 00:17:00,908 What about Vladimir, huh? 369 00:17:00,942 --> 00:17:03,577 I'd believe him. He's got a very honest, 370 00:17:03,611 --> 00:17:05,579 uh, eyebrow. 371 00:17:05,613 --> 00:17:08,649 - He was whistle-sucker. - You mean whistle-blower. 372 00:17:08,683 --> 00:17:11,585 Sorry, I'm really trying to stay out of this conversation. 373 00:17:11,619 --> 00:17:13,854 Only my testimony will save Konstantin. 374 00:17:13,888 --> 00:17:16,757 I must do as you've shown me. 375 00:17:16,791 --> 00:17:19,860 To save a friend, you went so far as to marry her. 376 00:17:19,894 --> 00:17:23,864 Yeah, but-- but aren't we a little more than friends? 377 00:17:24,899 --> 00:17:26,800 Today when I said I loved you, 378 00:17:26,835 --> 00:17:31,004 - perhaps I was trapped up in the moment. - Caught up. 379 00:17:31,039 --> 00:17:33,640 Last one, I promise. 380 00:17:33,675 --> 00:17:37,044 Now I realize we have not known each other long enough 381 00:17:37,078 --> 00:17:40,714 - to be truly in love. - Wow. 382 00:17:41,883 --> 00:17:44,618 How many guys get the let's-be-friends speech 383 00:17:44,652 --> 00:17:46,720 actually on their wedding night? 384 00:17:46,754 --> 00:17:49,690 The way you rescued me was so beautiful. 385 00:17:49,724 --> 00:17:51,725 Like fairy tale. 386 00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:54,027 But now I must go back to reality. 387 00:17:54,062 --> 00:17:55,963 I must go back to Russia. 388 00:17:56,998 --> 00:17:58,699 Elena, wait a minute. Let me-- 389 00:17:58,733 --> 00:18:00,734 let me at least drive you to the airport, okay? 390 00:18:00,768 --> 00:18:02,669 Because you're just-- 391 00:18:02,704 --> 00:18:05,906 ( sighs ) You're just too beautiful to take a taxi. 392 00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:08,609 Hey, you let me take taxis! 393 00:18:09,711 --> 00:18:11,612 No, Joseph, 394 00:18:11,646 --> 00:18:12,980 this must be our goodbye 395 00:18:13,014 --> 00:18:15,616 or I will not be able to leave you. 396 00:18:23,024 --> 00:18:24,725 Elena! 397 00:18:25,727 --> 00:18:26,960 Yes? 398 00:18:27,996 --> 00:18:29,763 We'll always have Toledo. 399 00:18:40,108 --> 00:18:42,743 Hey, Joe, I'm really sorry. 400 00:18:42,777 --> 00:18:44,645 I know it hurts now, but think about it-- 401 00:18:44,679 --> 00:18:45,979 this was your plan all along, right? 402 00:18:46,014 --> 00:18:47,080 She was gonna go back to Russia 403 00:18:47,115 --> 00:18:48,949 and you guys were just gonna be friends. 404 00:18:48,983 --> 00:18:51,785 I mean, naked online friends, but who am I to judge? 405 00:18:51,819 --> 00:18:54,688 Ah, she was right. We didn't really know each other that well. 406 00:18:54,722 --> 00:18:56,790 I guess I just got caught up in the moment too. 407 00:18:56,824 --> 00:18:59,593 Just, you know, the whole idea of marriage 408 00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:02,596 and saving her and, 409 00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:04,998 God, the way she looked in that dress. 410 00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:07,734 Yeah, Vera will do that. 411 00:19:07,769 --> 00:19:10,671 No, Elena. Who's Vera? 412 00:19:10,705 --> 00:19:11,939 What? I didn't say Vera. 413 00:19:11,973 --> 00:19:15,075 Look, Joe, about that wedding dress-- 414 00:19:17,679 --> 00:19:20,647 you know, a pretty wedding dress doesn't mean it's true love 415 00:19:20,682 --> 00:19:22,049 and it doesn't mean it's the right person. 416 00:19:23,117 --> 00:19:25,986 I know but-- it's crazy, Burke, 417 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:28,789 'cause for a minute I thought she was the right person. 418 00:19:29,824 --> 00:19:31,992 I guess I was wrong. 419 00:19:32,026 --> 00:19:34,761 Anyway, on the upside, I can definitely rate 420 00:19:34,796 --> 00:19:36,964 this marriage better than my one to Tiffany. 421 00:19:36,998 --> 00:19:40,067 - Yeah, and far cheaper. - Yeah, there's that too. Yeah. 422 00:19:40,101 --> 00:19:43,770 Wow. Tiffany, Elena-- 423 00:19:43,805 --> 00:19:46,740 ( laughs ) Maybe third time's the charm, huh? 424 00:19:46,774 --> 00:19:49,109 Yeah. To that poor woman, wherever she may be. 425 00:19:49,143 --> 00:19:52,746 Yes, to the third Mrs. Longo. 426 00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:54,982 ( Chuckles ) She's probably in Fort Lauderdale right now, 427 00:19:55,016 --> 00:19:57,017 sucking some Jell-o shots off her twin sister's abs. 428 00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:01,054 Or taking her very first pole-dancing lesson. 429 00:20:01,089 --> 00:20:02,889 - Oh, that's a special moment for anybody. - Mmm. 430 00:20:02,924 --> 00:20:04,191 You're a true romantic, Joe. 431 00:20:04,225 --> 00:20:06,226 - Oh, you know me so well. - Mmm. ( Chuckles ) 432 00:20:07,225 --> 00:20:11,126 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 433 00:20:12,122 --> 00:20:15,057 - Gin! - What? We're not even playing gin. 434 00:20:15,092 --> 00:20:17,193 No, I want gin to drink. 435 00:20:18,227 --> 00:20:19,896 ( Phone ringing ) 436 00:20:21,932 --> 00:20:23,800 - ( Beeps ) - Hello? 437 00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,935 It's a collect call from Mrs. Longo. 438 00:20:25,969 --> 00:20:28,037 - Oh, it's her. It's her. - We accept. We accept. 439 00:20:28,071 --> 00:20:31,808 Hey, Elena, hi. Any news with Konstantin? 440 00:20:33,076 --> 00:20:34,911 Oh, hi, Tiffany. 441 00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:37,146 How are you? I'm good. 442 00:20:37,181 --> 00:20:39,048 Not much. Actually, you know what? 443 00:20:39,082 --> 00:20:40,950 I got married a couple of weeks ago. ( Laughs ) 444 00:20:40,984 --> 00:20:42,383 Yeah. No, don't worry about it. 445 00:20:42,384 --> 00:20:44,484 You're better sending me an annulment gift now instead. 446 00:20:45,184 --> 00:20:48,084 Yeah. Actually, yo know what? It was a beautiful wedding. 447 00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:51,036 Not as beautiful as our wedding. Absolutely not. 448 00:20:52,821 --> 00:20:54,122 Yeah, sure. 449 00:20:54,156 --> 00:20:57,792 I can come change your tire for you. 450 00:20:57,826 --> 00:20:59,694 All right, I'll see you in a few. 451 00:20:59,728 --> 00:21:00,962 - Bye-bye. - ( beeps ) 452 00:21:01,496 --> 00:21:03,497 Joe Longo to the rescue? 453 00:21:03,531 --> 00:21:05,299 What can I say, Burke? 454 00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,635 I gotta go pull another lady out of a burning building. 455 00:21:07,669 --> 00:21:10,437 Bam! Pick up some milk on your way home. 456 00:21:10,472 --> 00:21:12,273 Bam! You got it.