1 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,422 ♪ Two... two, three... ♪ 2 00:00:06,489 --> 00:00:08,724 ♪ 3 00:00:15,398 --> 00:00:20,569 Futurama presents...: Mutual of omicron's wild universe 4 00:00:20,637 --> 00:00:23,739 brought to you by mutual of omicron... 5 00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:27,109 insuring your world, and its destruction. 6 00:00:27,177 --> 00:00:31,246 Tonight's planet: A primitive backwater known only as... 7 00:00:31,872 --> 00:00:34,121 Earth. 8 00:00:34,552 --> 00:00:40,279 Sync and corrections by Tony for www.Addic7ed.Com 9 00:00:42,782 --> 00:00:44,817 Narrator: Of all the creatures on earth, 10 00:00:44,884 --> 00:00:47,186 none has a more thrilling life cycle 11 00:00:47,253 --> 00:00:49,354 than the intrepid salmon. 12 00:00:49,422 --> 00:00:52,424 It all begins in a cold, freshwater stream, 13 00:00:52,492 --> 00:00:54,393 where the salmon eggs incubate. 14 00:00:54,461 --> 00:00:56,428 I'm born, baby! 15 00:00:56,496 --> 00:00:59,064 Narrator: The new hatchlings are known as "Fry." 16 00:00:59,132 --> 00:01:00,599 What's your name? 17 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,835 I don't have a name. I'm a salmon. 18 00:01:02,902 --> 00:01:05,204 Narrator: After three years in the stream, 19 00:01:05,271 --> 00:01:06,705 the young salmon are ready 20 00:01:06,773 --> 00:01:09,208 for the arduous journey to the ocean. 21 00:01:09,275 --> 00:01:12,578 I do look forward to cavorting in the spray. 22 00:01:12,645 --> 00:01:14,746 Narrator: The trip will be dangerous. 23 00:01:14,814 --> 00:01:17,216 Only three in ten will survive. 24 00:01:17,283 --> 00:01:19,184 Let's all ten of us go together. 25 00:01:19,252 --> 00:01:20,552 There's safety in numbers. 26 00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:21,753 Ah! 27 00:01:24,157 --> 00:01:27,426 Mm. I reckon my boy will be right pleased 28 00:01:27,494 --> 00:01:30,162 when I regurgitate that into his mouth. 29 00:01:30,230 --> 00:01:33,499 Narrator: Looming ahead: Nature's waterfall, 30 00:01:33,566 --> 00:01:36,068 the cliff of the waters. 31 00:01:36,135 --> 00:01:39,972 Ah, it sure is relaxing getting swept along by this current. 32 00:01:40,039 --> 00:01:41,440 Whoa! 33 00:01:41,508 --> 00:01:43,942 (Screams) Salmon Hedonismbot: Oh my! 34 00:01:44,010 --> 00:01:46,245 (Screaming) Salmon Hedonismbot: Oh dear! 35 00:01:46,312 --> 00:01:48,347 (Screaming) Salmon Hedonismbot: Oh yes! 36 00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:52,251 This just in. 37 00:01:52,318 --> 00:01:54,419 Three dead in foamy plunge. 38 00:01:54,487 --> 00:01:56,288 (Laughs) 39 00:01:56,356 --> 00:01:57,890 Oh... oh. 40 00:01:57,957 --> 00:01:59,124 (Choking noises) 41 00:01:59,192 --> 00:02:01,527 Still, six out of ten alive. 44 00:02:06,499 --> 00:02:08,333 Ayup. 45 00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:11,136 Narrator: And so the salmon reach the ocean, 46 00:02:11,204 --> 00:02:13,772 birthplace of all life. 47 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,140 Except the salmon. 48 00:02:17,677 --> 00:02:19,545 Uh, hello. Who are you? 49 00:02:19,612 --> 00:02:22,047 I'm a salmon. Really? Me too! 50 00:02:22,115 --> 00:02:24,416 No way! So, uh, hey... 51 00:02:24,484 --> 00:02:26,084 I don't want to be too forward, but... 52 00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:28,120 I'd like to mate with you in a few years 53 00:02:28,187 --> 00:02:29,388 when we're sexually mature. 54 00:02:29,455 --> 00:02:30,889 I'd like that. 55 00:02:30,957 --> 00:02:33,458 Coho, what have we here? 56 00:02:33,526 --> 00:02:34,826 I'm a pieces. 57 00:02:34,894 --> 00:02:36,995 And you? Also pieces. 58 00:02:37,063 --> 00:02:39,064 We're all pieces. Then it's a date. 59 00:02:39,132 --> 00:02:41,300 I'll see you at spawning time. 60 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:42,568 No, thanks. 61 00:02:42,635 --> 00:02:45,103 I've already found my mate. 62 00:02:47,574 --> 00:02:51,310 You haven't ignored the last of me... 63 00:02:51,377 --> 00:02:53,645 ♪ 64 00:03:13,499 --> 00:03:17,202 Narrator: Having reached maturity, it is time for the salmon to spawn. 65 00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,204 Thus begins their 1000-mile journey 66 00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:22,441 back to the exact stream in which they were born. 67 00:03:22,508 --> 00:03:24,276 So how do we find our way home? 68 00:03:24,344 --> 00:03:25,677 Nobody knows! 69 00:03:25,745 --> 00:03:27,412 Narrator: Experts are unsure 70 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,249 whether salmon navigate by memory, sense of smell, 71 00:03:31,317 --> 00:03:34,553 or by detecting variations in earth's magnetic field. 72 00:03:34,621 --> 00:03:38,023 Okay, everybody do one of those three things. 73 00:03:38,091 --> 00:03:40,459 ♪ 74 00:03:46,232 --> 00:03:48,133 well, this is it. 75 00:03:48,201 --> 00:03:49,735 Home, stream home. 76 00:03:49,802 --> 00:03:51,570 No, it isn't! 77 00:03:51,638 --> 00:03:53,505 I was born in the next stream up! 78 00:03:55,475 --> 00:03:56,842 You're from next stream up? 79 00:03:56,909 --> 00:03:58,377 So am I! 80 00:03:58,444 --> 00:04:00,545 I can tell by the magnets in my head, or whatever. 81 00:04:00,613 --> 00:04:02,714 Let's go! 82 00:04:02,782 --> 00:04:06,852 Narrator: The urge to spawn drives the salmon inexorably 83 00:04:06,919 --> 00:04:08,320 toward the stream of its birth. 84 00:04:08,388 --> 00:04:10,088 Stupid body! 85 00:04:10,156 --> 00:04:12,658 Why won't you go to that other stream? 86 00:04:12,725 --> 00:04:14,426 Nobody knows! 87 00:04:14,494 --> 00:04:16,028 Narrator: I just told you! 88 00:04:16,095 --> 00:04:17,729 Goodbye! 89 00:04:17,797 --> 00:04:19,665 It was fun maturing with you, 90 00:04:19,732 --> 00:04:21,333 but at this point in my life cycle, 91 00:04:21,401 --> 00:04:23,669 I need a mate who's within squirting distance. 92 00:04:23,736 --> 00:04:26,872 I'll never forget you... fish. 93 00:04:26,939 --> 00:04:28,707 Come on, loxy lady, 94 00:04:28,775 --> 00:04:32,344 it's time for us to get naughty by nature! 95 00:04:32,412 --> 00:04:34,746 (Sobbing): No! 96 00:04:34,814 --> 00:04:37,182 (Talking indistictly) 97 00:04:52,031 --> 00:04:54,099 Well, here goes something... 98 00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,234 (Grunts) 99 00:04:56,302 --> 00:04:57,602 Don't make it... Don't make it! 100 00:04:57,670 --> 00:05:00,038 Ouch! 101 00:05:00,773 --> 00:05:03,141 Son of a fish! 102 00:05:08,314 --> 00:05:10,649 Pfft. Jumping is for suckers. 103 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,821 Oh, I'm good! 104 00:05:15,888 --> 00:05:17,622 Who wants a piece of me? 105 00:05:17,690 --> 00:05:18,890 I'll try a bite! 106 00:05:25,398 --> 00:05:27,566 Narrator: Having completed its perilous journey, 107 00:05:27,633 --> 00:05:30,235 the exhausted salmon enters the final phase 108 00:05:30,303 --> 00:05:32,637 of its life cycle. 109 00:05:32,705 --> 00:05:34,473 The female deposits her eggs 110 00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:35,974 and the male fertilizes them. 111 00:05:36,042 --> 00:05:38,276 Okay, who's next? 112 00:05:38,344 --> 00:05:40,345 There's a lot more where that came from! 113 00:05:40,413 --> 00:05:42,247 (Coughs) 114 00:05:44,350 --> 00:05:45,650 I can't see them any more! 115 00:05:45,718 --> 00:05:46,918 What if they're mating? 116 00:05:46,986 --> 00:05:48,153 Who cares? 117 00:05:48,221 --> 00:05:49,421 Just release your milt already! 118 00:05:49,489 --> 00:05:50,655 Everybody's doing it! 119 00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:51,923 No! 120 00:05:51,991 --> 00:05:53,792 I refuse to release anything 121 00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:56,528 unless it's in the vicinity of the eggs of the fish I love! 122 00:05:56,596 --> 00:05:58,597 (Grunts) 123 00:05:58,664 --> 00:06:01,099 (Coughing) 124 00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:04,369 Tell my offspring I loved me... 125 00:06:04,437 --> 00:06:06,204 Very much... 126 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,374 (Gasps) 127 00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:14,045 Oh, yeah. 128 00:06:14,113 --> 00:06:15,547 Plop those roundies. 129 00:06:15,615 --> 00:06:16,882 Ah! 130 00:06:16,949 --> 00:06:18,550 Ooh! 131 00:06:18,618 --> 00:06:20,118 (Gasping) 132 00:06:24,056 --> 00:06:25,390 (Grunting) 133 00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:26,892 All right, step aside. 134 00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:29,127 Time to let my bad boys loose. 135 00:06:29,195 --> 00:06:30,529 Ah! 136 00:06:30,596 --> 00:06:34,399 I am brrr, devourer of fish and honey! 137 00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,404 (Gasping) 138 00:06:39,472 --> 00:06:40,672 I'm coming, darling! 139 00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:42,407 Hm, I shouldn't... 140 00:06:42,475 --> 00:06:44,643 But who's counting? 141 00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:46,845 Help! Fish police! 142 00:06:46,913 --> 00:06:48,914 Two salmon for dinner? 143 00:06:48,981 --> 00:06:50,749 What? It's spawning season! 144 00:06:50,817 --> 00:06:52,484 It's a bear holiday! 145 00:06:52,552 --> 00:06:55,854 That is what you said when you found those boy scouts! 146 00:06:55,922 --> 00:06:59,191 Next you'll be telling me I can't crap in the woods! 147 00:06:59,258 --> 00:07:00,826 That's it! 148 00:07:00,893 --> 00:07:03,261 We're hibernating in separate caves this winter! 149 00:07:12,271 --> 00:07:13,872 My love! 150 00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:15,907 You... you made it! 151 00:07:15,975 --> 00:07:19,945 You overcame salmon instinct and left your home stream for me! 152 00:07:20,012 --> 00:07:22,047 Mmm. 153 00:07:22,114 --> 00:07:23,882 So are you gonna fertilize my eggs now? 154 00:07:23,950 --> 00:07:26,384 Already taken care of. 155 00:07:26,452 --> 00:07:30,388 Well, we swam away and then we came back. 156 00:07:30,456 --> 00:07:32,791 It's been an interesting life. 157 00:07:32,859 --> 00:07:34,292 (Coughs) 158 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:38,196 And the best part is, it had a happy ending. 159 00:07:38,264 --> 00:07:43,335 Narrator: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, 160 00:07:43,402 --> 00:07:45,604 meaningless and grim. 161 00:07:45,671 --> 00:07:49,341 Why did they live, and why did they die? 162 00:07:49,408 --> 00:07:50,809 No reason. 163 00:07:55,606 --> 00:07:57,717 Narrator: The isolated Galápagos islands. 164 00:07:57,842 --> 00:08:01,177 A veritable pageant of evolutionary science. 165 00:08:01,245 --> 00:08:03,179 Home to dozens of species found 166 00:08:03,247 --> 00:08:06,016 nowhere else, such as Darwin's finches, 167 00:08:06,083 --> 00:08:07,450 and the marine iguana. 168 00:08:07,518 --> 00:08:09,319 Also the blue-footed booby! 169 00:08:09,387 --> 00:08:10,854 That's fairly interesting! 170 00:08:10,922 --> 00:08:13,056 Note the blue coloration of the... 171 00:08:13,124 --> 00:08:15,759 Narrator: Of all the creatures in the Galápagos, 172 00:08:15,826 --> 00:08:17,560 none is rarer or more tragic 173 00:08:17,628 --> 00:08:19,629 than the Pinta island tortoise. 174 00:08:19,697 --> 00:08:24,100 Only a single living specimen is known to exist: 175 00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:26,169 Lonesome Hubert. 176 00:08:26,237 --> 00:08:28,071 Sad news, everyone. 177 00:08:28,139 --> 00:08:30,373 I'm lonesome. 178 00:08:30,441 --> 00:08:32,075 Hey, would it cheer you up if we gave you 179 00:08:32,143 --> 00:08:33,476 a symbiotic parasite cleaning? 180 00:08:33,544 --> 00:08:34,711 Would it? Would it? Would it? 181 00:08:34,779 --> 00:08:35,979 (Sighs) 182 00:08:36,047 --> 00:08:37,781 Fine, knock yourself out. 183 00:08:37,848 --> 00:08:39,482 Narrator: The Galápagos finches 184 00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:42,085 eat parasites off the tortoise's skin, 185 00:08:42,153 --> 00:08:44,487 a mutually beneficial arrangement. 186 00:08:44,555 --> 00:08:46,089 Except for the parasite! 187 00:08:46,157 --> 00:08:48,024 How's that, Hubert? Feeling better? 188 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:49,526 (Sighs) 189 00:08:49,593 --> 00:08:51,661 A good beaking usually cheers me right up, 190 00:08:51,729 --> 00:08:53,730 but today it's no use. 191 00:08:53,798 --> 00:08:56,333 My species is as good as extinct. 192 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:00,203 I haven't seen a female of my kind in over 100 years! 193 00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:01,671 There's got to be a lady tortoise 194 00:09:01,739 --> 00:09:03,073 out there for you, Hubert. 195 00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:04,574 What about her? 196 00:09:04,642 --> 00:09:06,343 Hey, good lookin', 197 00:09:06,410 --> 00:09:09,045 I've got a lichen that needs a lickin'. 198 00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:10,680 Are you crazy? 199 00:09:10,748 --> 00:09:12,782 She's a slightly different subspecies! 200 00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:16,019 See how her shell flares imperceptibly at the neck? 201 00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:19,055 Ooh... talk about a cloaca shrinker. 202 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,057 Well, haven't you ever met a girl tortoise 203 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:24,194 who had that whole "same subspecies" thing going on? 204 00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:25,895 Oh my, yes. 205 00:09:25,963 --> 00:09:28,431 When I was a young tortoise of 50 206 00:09:28,499 --> 00:09:30,467 I met a hot young piece of shell 207 00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:34,371 by a palo santo tree on the far side of the island. 208 00:09:34,438 --> 00:09:37,474 Let's go look for her! C'Mon, c'Mon, c'Mon! 209 00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:41,878 I've always wondered if she's still there, waiting for me. 210 00:09:41,946 --> 00:09:44,247 But the trip is far too long. 211 00:09:44,315 --> 00:09:45,482 It's only 100 feet! 212 00:09:45,549 --> 00:09:46,750 At my age, 213 00:09:46,817 --> 00:09:48,985 it might as well be 200 feet. 214 00:09:49,053 --> 00:09:50,620 I'd never make it! 215 00:09:50,688 --> 00:09:52,155 Come on, you can make it! You can do it! 216 00:09:52,223 --> 00:09:53,623 Get out of your shell. Do it, do it! 217 00:09:53,691 --> 00:09:56,893 Well, let me think it over. 218 00:09:56,961 --> 00:10:00,230 Let's go already! 219 00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:11,674 (Owl hooting) 220 00:10:11,742 --> 00:10:13,510 (Exclaiming) 221 00:10:20,151 --> 00:10:22,152 (Hissing) 222 00:10:22,219 --> 00:10:23,520 (Gasps) Watch out! 223 00:10:23,587 --> 00:10:27,323 What brings yous to this part of the isleseses? 224 00:10:27,391 --> 00:10:28,591 (Screams) 225 00:10:28,659 --> 00:10:29,826 He's gonna eat us! 226 00:10:29,894 --> 00:10:31,461 Don't be such a Finch. 227 00:10:31,529 --> 00:10:35,031 We Galápagos tortoises have no natural predators. 228 00:10:35,099 --> 00:10:37,467 Finch Amy (Muffled): That's so fascinating! 229 00:10:53,851 --> 00:10:57,787 I never thought I'd live to see this tree again. 230 00:10:57,855 --> 00:11:00,123 Thank you for staying with me, Fry. 231 00:11:00,191 --> 00:11:01,458 I'm not Fry. 232 00:11:01,525 --> 00:11:03,193 I'm his great-great grandson... Fry. 233 00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:04,194 Whuh...? 234 00:11:04,261 --> 00:11:05,862 My beak is different, see? 235 00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:07,864 It evolved a slightly bigger hook over the generations, 236 00:11:07,932 --> 00:11:10,700 to help me eat the cactus on this part of the island. 237 00:11:10,768 --> 00:11:11,701 Watch! 238 00:11:11,769 --> 00:11:12,702 (Grunting) 239 00:11:12,770 --> 00:11:13,703 I'm stuck! 240 00:11:13,771 --> 00:11:15,171 Oops. 241 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,173 So where's your lady tortoise, Hubert? 242 00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,042 Lady whuh? 243 00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:20,877 Wait, there she is! 244 00:11:20,945 --> 00:11:23,847 After all these years, I've found her! 245 00:11:25,216 --> 00:11:27,150 Oh, my darling! 246 00:11:27,218 --> 00:11:29,519 You haven't aged a day! 247 00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:30,987 Should we say something? 248 00:11:31,055 --> 00:11:32,922 Nah. Let him have his fun. 249 00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:34,324 All right. 250 00:11:34,391 --> 00:11:37,193 Let's just do what comes naturally. 251 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:41,231 I'll get things started with a little neck extension... 252 00:11:41,298 --> 00:11:44,868 Then a couple of these... 253 00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:47,737 And here we go! 254 00:11:47,805 --> 00:11:50,740 What the tropical hell are you doing?! 255 00:11:50,808 --> 00:11:52,509 (All gasping) Whuh? 256 00:11:52,576 --> 00:11:55,445 I've been saving myself for a hundred years, 257 00:11:55,513 --> 00:11:57,580 and this is how you repay me? 258 00:11:57,648 --> 00:11:59,182 Who is that hard-shelled skank? 259 00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:00,216 I'll kill her! 260 00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:02,118 Wait, I can explain... 261 00:12:02,186 --> 00:12:03,453 shut up! 262 00:12:03,521 --> 00:12:05,255 I'm going to crack that hussy open 263 00:12:05,322 --> 00:12:07,090 like a slutty Brazil nut! 264 00:12:13,364 --> 00:12:14,297 (Grunts) 265 00:12:14,365 --> 00:12:16,766 This volcanic archipelago 266 00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:18,601 isn't big enough for the both of us. 267 00:12:23,274 --> 00:12:25,375 Yeah, you'd better topple. 268 00:12:25,442 --> 00:12:28,978 You always were a hot-blooded latina. 269 00:12:29,046 --> 00:12:30,513 Narrator: Like all reptiles, 270 00:12:30,581 --> 00:12:32,382 the Galápagos tortoise is cold-blooded. 271 00:12:32,449 --> 00:12:39,088 Okay, neck, tap, tap, climb, climb, and... 272 00:12:39,156 --> 00:12:40,790 We're back in business. 273 00:12:40,858 --> 00:12:43,259 Um, should we be watching this? 274 00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:44,761 It seems kind of personal. 275 00:12:44,828 --> 00:12:46,095 That's not an issue for us. 276 00:12:46,163 --> 00:12:47,564 We're wildlife. 277 00:12:47,631 --> 00:12:50,600 (Weak, raspy moaning) 278 00:12:50,668 --> 00:12:51,601 What about the moaning? 279 00:12:51,669 --> 00:12:53,069 Is it okay to listen? 280 00:12:53,137 --> 00:12:55,772 Sure, but act like it's no big deal. 281 00:12:55,839 --> 00:12:57,607 Just pretend you're eating seeds. 282 00:13:01,312 --> 00:13:04,013 Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis? 283 00:13:04,081 --> 00:13:06,015 No. 284 00:13:12,156 --> 00:13:14,791 Well, okay then. 285 00:13:14,858 --> 00:13:17,193 Yes, it's been lovely. 286 00:13:17,261 --> 00:13:18,194 Hang on a second. 287 00:13:18,262 --> 00:13:19,629 (Straining) 288 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,200 Narrator: The Galápagos tortoise 289 00:13:24,268 --> 00:13:27,170 lays a clutch of between six and 15 eggs. 290 00:13:27,238 --> 00:13:30,173 Oh, what do you want? I'm 150 years old. 291 00:13:34,778 --> 00:13:36,379 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 292 00:13:36,447 --> 00:13:38,281 Aren't you going to watch over your young? 293 00:13:38,349 --> 00:13:40,883 Tortoises don't do that, do we? 294 00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:43,052 I sure as hell don't. 295 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,154 Anyway, I've done my part. 296 00:13:45,222 --> 00:13:47,323 The species is saved! 297 00:13:47,391 --> 00:13:48,658 (All cheering) 298 00:13:48,726 --> 00:13:50,560 Good job! 299 00:13:50,628 --> 00:13:52,228 Narrator: And so, the survival 300 00:13:52,296 --> 00:13:54,797 of the Pinta island tortoise is assured. 301 00:14:00,304 --> 00:14:01,471 (Grunting) 302 00:14:05,376 --> 00:14:06,509 (Yelling) 303 00:14:09,947 --> 00:14:11,381 All: Mama! 304 00:14:13,817 --> 00:14:15,718 Narrator: And so, the extinction 305 00:14:15,786 --> 00:14:18,655 of the Pinta island tortoise is assured. 306 00:14:18,722 --> 00:14:22,759 200 million years of evolution, snuffed out. 307 00:14:22,826 --> 00:14:25,361 For in the end, nature is horrific, 308 00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,797 and teaches us nothing. 309 00:14:27,865 --> 00:14:29,465 (Cheerily): Coming up next, 310 00:14:29,533 --> 00:14:31,301 the hilarious antics of the elephant seal, 311 00:14:31,368 --> 00:14:33,703 (chuckling): The clown of the sea. 312 00:14:43,432 --> 00:14:45,442 Narrator: Of all the spectacles in nature, 313 00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:49,136 few can match the mating ritual of the elephant seal. 314 00:14:49,204 --> 00:14:50,638 Certainly not the salmon. 315 00:14:50,706 --> 00:14:51,672 And the tortoise? 316 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,474 Yeah, right. 317 00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:57,078 The huge, lumbering males defend patches of beach 318 00:14:57,145 --> 00:15:00,948 to deny their rivals access to the breeding grounds. 319 00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:02,750 Just as in human society, 320 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,653 only the biggest, most obnoxious males 321 00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:07,354 have any chance of mating. 322 00:15:07,422 --> 00:15:08,355 Aw, yeah! 323 00:15:08,423 --> 00:15:10,191 Survival of the fattest! 324 00:15:10,258 --> 00:15:12,993 Narrator: The dominant male, or "beachmaster," 325 00:15:13,061 --> 00:15:15,863 maintains a harem of up to 50 females. 326 00:15:15,931 --> 00:15:17,798 Okay, harem, let's get to it. 327 00:15:17,866 --> 00:15:19,166 Form an orderly heap on top of me. 328 00:15:19,234 --> 00:15:21,001 (Cows barking) 329 00:15:21,069 --> 00:15:24,605 I like mating with beachmaster 'cause he's the largest. 330 00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:27,775 Narrator: While the beachmaster enjoys the spoils of victory... 331 00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:28,843 Whoo! 332 00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:30,845 I'm doin' it in my sleep! 333 00:15:30,912 --> 00:15:33,881 ...the lesser males languish at the edge of the colony, 334 00:15:33,949 --> 00:15:36,851 unable to attract their own harem due to age... 335 00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,986 Harem?! I can barely see 'em! 336 00:15:39,054 --> 00:15:40,187 Immaturity... 337 00:15:40,255 --> 00:15:41,188 (High-pitched laugh) 338 00:15:41,256 --> 00:15:42,690 I'm scared. 339 00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,391 ...or other reasons. 340 00:15:44,459 --> 00:15:46,360 Hmm. I don't know... 341 00:15:46,428 --> 00:15:49,163 Does this kelp scarf make me look fat enough? 342 00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:52,399 It's so unfair. 343 00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:55,136 That bloated Casanova gets all the ladies! 344 00:15:55,203 --> 00:15:58,372 Even that one with the exquisite fat rolls. 345 00:16:01,076 --> 00:16:02,510 (Bleating) 346 00:16:02,577 --> 00:16:03,544 (Sighs) 347 00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:04,545 (Bellowing) 348 00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:05,679 (Terrified yelp) 349 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,081 Back off, losers! 350 00:16:07,149 --> 00:16:08,883 Stay away from my beaches! 351 00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:10,518 You big bully! 352 00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:14,054 Bite my freshly molted, blubber-filled ass. 353 00:16:14,122 --> 00:16:16,023 You're just a giant lump of fat! 354 00:16:16,091 --> 00:16:17,892 Do you even have an ass under there?! 355 00:16:17,959 --> 00:16:19,194 I'm 40% ass! 356 00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,195 Arf, arf! 357 00:16:20,263 --> 00:16:21,964 Now beat it! Boo! 358 00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:23,065 (All gasping, shuddering) 359 00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:25,033 (Laughs) 360 00:16:25,101 --> 00:16:27,603 Narrator: With no hope of defeating the beachmaster, 361 00:16:27,670 --> 00:16:31,540 some so-called "sneaky" males adopt a risky strategy... 362 00:16:31,608 --> 00:16:33,675 attempting to mate with one of his harem 363 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,477 while he is asleep or distracted. 364 00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:37,212 So, any of you guys thinking 365 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,114 of being a sneaky male this season? 366 00:16:39,182 --> 00:16:40,749 (All muttering uneasily) 367 00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:42,117 This season? 368 00:16:42,185 --> 00:16:44,052 Walrus don't need no chicanery. 369 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,889 Once a lady goes walrus, she never... 370 00:16:46,956 --> 00:16:48,957 She ne... 371 00:16:49,025 --> 00:16:50,959 No one ever goes walrus. 372 00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:53,128 I'm a little old for it now, 373 00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:55,964 but in my prime, I was quite the sneaker. 374 00:16:56,032 --> 00:16:56,965 How did you do it? 375 00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:59,434 Well, while the beachmaster was off 376 00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:00,969 behind a whale carcass, 377 00:17:01,037 --> 00:17:03,772 loudly fornicating with my beloved mother, 378 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,842 I snuck past and surprised my sweetie 379 00:17:06,910 --> 00:17:08,977 with a romantic meal. 380 00:17:09,045 --> 00:17:11,513 A romantic meal, eh? 381 00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,050 Narrator: The search for food takes the elephant seal 382 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:18,620 to depths few other mammals can reach. 383 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,326 In this pitch-black abyss, 384 00:17:24,394 --> 00:17:27,963 life takes on bizarre and horrific forms. 385 00:17:28,031 --> 00:17:30,299 Zoidberg: So, welcome to the abyss. 386 00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:33,201 Road trip! 387 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,770 (Snoring) 388 00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:36,271 Kill all penguins... 389 00:17:36,339 --> 00:17:37,439 (Snoring) 390 00:17:37,507 --> 00:17:39,207 (Pups squealing) Kill all penguins. 391 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,208 (Screaming) 392 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:41,510 (Snorts) Huh? 393 00:17:41,578 --> 00:17:43,045 What's the matter with you!? 394 00:17:43,112 --> 00:17:45,347 You just crushed seven of our babies! 395 00:17:45,415 --> 00:17:47,549 Yeah, we can always make more. 396 00:17:47,617 --> 00:17:50,719 Come on, floozies, let's repopulate! 397 00:17:50,787 --> 00:17:52,688 Narrator: With the beachmaster occupied, 398 00:17:52,755 --> 00:17:55,157 the sneaky male makes his move. 399 00:17:57,093 --> 00:17:58,160 (Gasps) 400 00:17:58,227 --> 00:17:59,828 I can't believe you came! 401 00:17:59,896 --> 00:18:02,197 The beachmaster'll kill you if he finds out! 402 00:18:02,265 --> 00:18:03,999 Also, who are you? 403 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:05,000 (Spits) 404 00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:06,134 I'm in love with you! 405 00:18:06,202 --> 00:18:08,003 And I don't care what he thinks. 406 00:18:08,071 --> 00:18:09,972 Here, I brought you something. 407 00:18:10,907 --> 00:18:12,240 Hooray! 408 00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:13,675 We're three friends at the beach! 409 00:18:13,743 --> 00:18:15,344 (Munching) 410 00:18:15,411 --> 00:18:16,345 Wait, what's happening, friend? 411 00:18:16,412 --> 00:18:17,980 (Screams) 412 00:18:18,047 --> 00:18:20,616 Narrator: The female conveys her receptivity 413 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,584 through subtle vocalizations. 414 00:18:22,652 --> 00:18:23,585 Wanna do it? 415 00:18:23,653 --> 00:18:24,586 So soon?! 416 00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:26,688 Oh, well... (Stammering) 417 00:18:28,558 --> 00:18:29,491 (Both gasp) 418 00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:30,826 Sneaky male, eh? 419 00:18:30,893 --> 00:18:32,260 I thought I told you... 420 00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:33,428 (Roaring) 421 00:18:33,496 --> 00:18:34,429 (Shuddering): Oh, my...! 422 00:18:35,932 --> 00:18:37,232 Well, nice try. Better luck next season. 423 00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:38,266 You gave it a shot! 424 00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,267 Pathetic. 425 00:18:48,177 --> 00:18:49,945 Sorry you didn't get to mate. 426 00:18:50,013 --> 00:18:52,214 But, hey, we can still play some beach games. 427 00:18:52,281 --> 00:18:54,282 Who's up for some twister? 428 00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:55,517 No! 429 00:18:55,585 --> 00:18:57,452 We beta males deserve better. 430 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,522 When we're in charge, we'll treat females with respect, 431 00:19:00,590 --> 00:19:03,592 keeping sensible harems of no more than five. 432 00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,194 And it begins with me. 433 00:19:06,262 --> 00:19:11,133 Sir, I challenge you to a duel for control of the beach! 434 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,534 (All gasping) 435 00:19:12,602 --> 00:19:13,869 Aw... 436 00:19:14,971 --> 00:19:20,742 (Laughing) 437 00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:21,910 Aw, hang on... 438 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,915 (Resumes laughing) 439 00:19:29,018 --> 00:19:30,385 Okay, let's fight. 440 00:19:30,453 --> 00:19:31,486 (Yells, grunts) 441 00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:34,089 Aw, that's it. 442 00:19:34,157 --> 00:19:36,391 No more Mr. nice-jerk. 443 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:46,501 Narrator: The battle will rage for hours, 444 00:19:46,569 --> 00:19:50,005 until both males are exhausted or dead. 445 00:19:58,381 --> 00:19:59,948 (Yelling, grunting) 446 00:20:02,385 --> 00:20:04,119 Beachmaster, stop fighting! 447 00:20:04,187 --> 00:20:06,621 He's been dead since yesterday! 448 00:20:06,689 --> 00:20:08,857 (Snorts) What?! He's dead?! 449 00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:10,325 Whoo! 450 00:20:10,393 --> 00:20:12,127 I'm killin' dudes in my sleep! 451 00:20:12,195 --> 00:20:13,662 Yo! Clean up! 452 00:20:20,236 --> 00:20:22,037 Narrator: And so, with the threat 453 00:20:22,105 --> 00:20:24,673 to the beachmaster's supremacy eliminated, 454 00:20:24,741 --> 00:20:27,275 order is restored for another year. 455 00:20:27,343 --> 00:20:29,511 Another year, another generation of pups 456 00:20:29,579 --> 00:20:32,514 fathered by me, beachmaster. 457 00:20:32,582 --> 00:20:35,851 (All snickering) 458 00:20:35,918 --> 00:20:37,486 I'm the greatest, baby! 459 00:20:37,553 --> 00:20:39,788 You go, beachmaster! 460 00:20:39,856 --> 00:20:44,359 Narrator: And so concludes our exploration of planet earth. 461 00:20:44,427 --> 00:20:47,229 For a holographic brain injection of tonight's program, 462 00:20:47,296 --> 00:20:49,264 send five dollars to this station, 463 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,999 care of me, the Narrator. 464 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,734 Good night. 465 00:20:52,802 --> 00:20:54,603 Mutual of omicron Narrator: Mutual of omicron. 466 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,471 Have you insured your planet? 467 00:20:58,378 --> 00:21:04,312 Sync and correction by Tony for www.Addic7ed.Com