1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,569
Andy and Leslie
sent us care packages.
2
00:00:03,801 --> 00:00:06,669
"Hey Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home."
3
00:00:06,703 --> 00:00:07,703
"Love, Leslie."
4
00:00:07,721 --> 00:00:09,506
Ah, Waffle Mix.
5
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,207
JJ's diner mug.
6
00:00:11,225 --> 00:00:13,176
New pajamas.
7
00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:15,345
Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.
8
00:00:15,379 --> 00:00:18,097
"Box 1 of 12"?
9
00:00:18,648 --> 00:00:20,716
"April, here's something
to help you remember
10
00:00:20,734 --> 00:00:22,735
our three-legged dog
champion."
11
00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:23,886
Ah, that's cute.
12
00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:25,388
"Also, you are way better
at laundry.
13
00:00:25,406 --> 00:00:27,890
"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?
14
00:00:27,908 --> 00:00:30,660
Thanks. Love you.
Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."
15
00:00:30,694 --> 00:00:31,744
Less cute.
16
00:00:31,779 --> 00:00:32,996
"P.S. Please hurry.
17
00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:34,697
"I've been wearing
a bandana as underwear
18
00:00:34,731 --> 00:00:35,698
for three days now."
19
00:00:35,732 --> 00:00:37,367
Look, there's a picture.
20
00:00:37,401 --> 00:00:40,169
Ah!
That's horrifying.
21
00:00:40,203 --> 00:00:42,872
[Sighs]
22
00:00:42,890 --> 00:00:45,225
I love him so much.
23
00:00:45,259 --> 00:00:48,228
[Triumphant music]
24
00:00:48,262 --> 00:00:52,862
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:01:05,446 --> 00:01:07,664
Okay, so do you have
the results of the study?
26
00:01:07,698 --> 00:01:09,082
Yes, and they're great.
27
00:01:09,116 --> 00:01:10,583
Your tax on soda
28
00:01:10,618 --> 00:01:12,702
would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.
29
00:01:12,736 --> 00:01:15,071
Oh, and I have a great prop
for the meeting.
30
00:01:15,089 --> 00:01:16,506
This is the amount of sugar
31
00:01:16,540 --> 00:01:18,508
that the average Pawnee
10-year-old consumes,
32
00:01:18,542 --> 00:01:20,710
from soda, every month.
33
00:01:20,744 --> 00:01:22,095
- That is gross.
- It's gross.
34
00:01:22,129 --> 00:01:23,913
- All that sugar?
- It's really gross.
35
00:01:23,931 --> 00:01:25,715
- What a powerful image.
- What are you doing?
36
00:01:25,749 --> 00:01:26,933
What did you put in the sugar?
It's so good.
37
00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:28,935
My first act
as a city councilwoman--
38
00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:32,055
I've proposed a tax on
all those giant sugary sodas
39
00:01:32,089 --> 00:01:34,123
so we can discourage people
from drinking them.
40
00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:35,525
I believe, with my help,
41
00:01:35,559 --> 00:01:37,426
all local restaurants
can get healthier--
44
00:01:41,899 --> 00:01:44,067
which was formerly
Sue's Salads
45
00:01:44,101 --> 00:01:46,602
until we ran that
out of town.
46
00:01:47,604 --> 00:01:48,938
Ah, councilwoman.
47
00:01:48,956 --> 00:01:50,707
In honor of
your never-ending quest
48
00:01:50,741 --> 00:01:52,441
to personally babysit
49
00:01:52,459 --> 00:01:53,993
each and every
American citizen,
50
00:01:54,044 --> 00:01:56,713
I went to Paunch Burger
and got myself a Number two--
51
00:01:56,747 --> 00:01:59,782
Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe,
hash browns,
52
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,118
chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.
53
00:02:02,136 --> 00:02:04,120
Ugh!
Number two is right.
54
00:02:04,138 --> 00:02:07,140
I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums Sugar Splash.
55
00:02:07,174 --> 00:02:08,975
Damn it, I love this country
so much.
56
00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:11,477
Ron, I'm really glad
that you're here.
57
00:02:11,512 --> 00:02:13,462
Our political differences
aside,
58
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,631
I am about to go to
my first committee meeting
59
00:02:15,649 --> 00:02:19,102
as a city councilwoman.
60
00:02:19,136 --> 00:02:20,603
There's something
I need to say to you.
61
00:02:20,637 --> 00:02:21,821
Please don't.
62
00:02:21,855 --> 00:02:23,573
I know you hate
feelings and emotions,
63
00:02:23,607 --> 00:02:25,658
but I would not be where I am
if it wasn't for you.
64
00:02:25,693 --> 00:02:28,477
You hired me.
You've always supported me.
65
00:02:28,495 --> 00:02:29,946
How can I ever repay you?
66
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:31,414
[Slurps]
67
00:02:31,448 --> 00:02:32,615
Get me a refill.
68
00:02:35,202 --> 00:02:36,786
Hey, everybody.
69
00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:38,504
So, I've been going
over your reports.
70
00:02:38,539 --> 00:02:42,592
Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?
71
00:02:42,626 --> 00:02:44,010
There's a crazy amount
72
00:02:44,044 --> 00:02:46,662
of random font differences
in these memos.
73
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,832
Yeah, people.
Consistent font usage. Come on.
74
00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:52,518
Times New Roman,
across the board.
75
00:02:52,553 --> 00:02:56,105
No Geneva, no Garamond,
definitely no Papyrus.
76
00:02:56,140 --> 00:02:57,607
Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?
77
00:02:57,641 --> 00:03:00,176
There's no place for that in
a professional office setting.
78
00:03:00,194 --> 00:03:01,611
Yes!
Thank you, April.
79
00:03:01,645 --> 00:03:05,865
These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape,
80
00:03:05,899 --> 00:03:08,651
but don't worry, because
they call me Devo,
81
00:03:08,685 --> 00:03:10,953
'cause I can
"whip 'em good."
82
00:03:12,873 --> 00:03:16,192
And obviously make sure
the content's perfect too.
83
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:18,861
Oh, and, uh, 12 point.
84
00:03:18,879 --> 00:03:22,165
13's just obnoxious.
Great meeting.
85
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:24,050
Out of the way, people.
86
00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:25,718
Motivational brigade
coming through.
87
00:03:25,753 --> 00:03:27,536
Ho ho!
88
00:03:27,554 --> 00:03:30,372
So, you boys are gonna go
work out together, huh?
89
00:03:30,391 --> 00:03:33,509
Nice. Whereabouts?
Community college.
90
00:03:33,543 --> 00:03:34,677
Eh, that's too far.
91
00:03:34,711 --> 00:03:36,679
Chris and Tom offered
to help me train
92
00:03:36,713 --> 00:03:38,347
to become a police officer.
93
00:03:38,381 --> 00:03:41,550
The physical exam is
about three months away
94
00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:48,658
and I am in terrible shape,
but I can already do this...
95
00:03:48,692 --> 00:03:51,327
So, I'm getting there.
96
00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:52,445
So, I've got
a list of everything
97
00:03:52,496 --> 00:03:53,696
that I'm supposed to
be able to do
98
00:03:53,730 --> 00:03:55,581
to get into the police academy,
and number one is,
99
00:03:55,616 --> 00:03:58,734
"be able to run 2 miles
in under 25 minutes."
100
00:03:58,752 --> 00:03:59,919
That's a typo, right?
101
00:03:59,953 --> 00:04:01,204
I mean,
that's humanly impossible.
102
00:04:01,238 --> 00:04:04,006
When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,
103
00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:05,675
anything is possible.
104
00:04:05,709 --> 00:04:09,345
Anything is possible!
105
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,214
Ms. Pinewood,
106
00:04:11,248 --> 00:04:12,882
recently, many of
the local restaurants
107
00:04:12,916 --> 00:04:15,802
have changed their
"small-size" option
108
00:04:15,853 --> 00:04:18,688
to a whopping 64-ounces.
109
00:04:18,722 --> 00:04:21,140
That's correct, and it's
great for the consumer.
110
00:04:21,191 --> 00:04:22,591
More bang for the buck.
111
00:04:22,609 --> 00:04:24,694
Are we putting bargains
on trial here?
112
00:04:24,728 --> 00:04:27,096
How could any sane person
call that "small"?
113
00:04:27,114 --> 00:04:29,198
Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,
114
00:04:29,233 --> 00:04:30,366
there is an option.
115
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,236
Oh, do you mean
the "li'I swallow"?
116
00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,954
Does anybody buy that?
117
00:04:34,988 --> 00:04:36,372
Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses,
118
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,157
but they're not
very popular.
119
00:04:38,208 --> 00:04:39,659
I mean, for only
a nickel more,
120
00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:41,377
you get 64 ounces.
121
00:04:41,911 --> 00:04:45,281
Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out
122
00:04:45,299 --> 00:04:49,585
with a new 128-ounce option.
123
00:04:49,619 --> 00:04:51,971
Most people call it
a gallon,
124
00:04:52,005 --> 00:04:53,306
but they call it
the "regular."
125
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:57,343
Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version
126
00:04:57,394 --> 00:05:00,096
that the call "child size."
127
00:05:00,130 --> 00:05:02,899
How is this
a "child-size soda"?
128
00:05:02,933 --> 00:05:05,651
Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child,
129
00:05:05,686 --> 00:05:07,153
if the child were liquefied.
130
00:05:07,187 --> 00:05:09,572
It's a real bargain
at $1.59.
131
00:05:09,606 --> 00:05:10,823
I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,
132
00:05:10,858 --> 00:05:12,575
but why would anybody
need this much soda?
133
00:05:12,609 --> 00:05:14,744
It's not my place to speak
for the consumer,
134
00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:17,997
but everyone should buy it.
135
00:05:18,031 --> 00:05:20,082
Come on, Andy, come on.
You can do it.
136
00:05:20,117 --> 00:05:21,417
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.
137
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,485
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig,
dig, dig, dig, dig.
138
00:05:23,504 --> 00:05:24,820
- Aah!
- Yes!
139
00:05:24,838 --> 00:05:26,172
Oh, my God.
140
00:05:26,206 --> 00:05:29,091
It's so hot.
It was horrible.
141
00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:32,295
Oh, I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.
142
00:05:32,329 --> 00:05:35,014
[Groans]
Everything hurts.
143
00:05:35,048 --> 00:05:37,333
Running is impossible.
[Groans]
144
00:05:37,851 --> 00:05:39,101
What are you doing?
145
00:05:39,136 --> 00:05:41,387
Tom, now is not the time
for criticism.
146
00:05:41,438 --> 00:05:42,838
How did he do?
147
00:05:42,856 --> 00:05:45,942
Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
148
00:05:45,976 --> 00:05:49,562
No! I'm never
gonna be a cop.
149
00:05:49,613 --> 00:05:51,197
I'm gonna have to be
a robber.
150
00:05:51,231 --> 00:05:52,681
Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.
151
00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:54,283
I'm gonna drive around.
152
00:05:55,318 --> 00:05:58,187
- [Groans]
- Andy, I'm proud of you.
153
00:05:58,205 --> 00:06:00,522
Not because of what you did,
which was terrible,
154
00:06:00,541 --> 00:06:03,409
but because of what I'm going to
be able to get you to do.
155
00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:04,877
I guess I'm proud of me.
156
00:06:04,912 --> 00:06:06,045
Thanks, man.
Me too.
157
00:06:07,079 --> 00:06:08,530
We have so much work to do.
158
00:06:08,549 --> 00:06:10,132
Oh, hey, Ellis,
159
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:11,700
have you put the campaign
pictures up on the website?
160
00:06:11,718 --> 00:06:15,638
Oh. Yeah.
I started doing them.
161
00:06:15,672 --> 00:06:19,025
And are you going to
finish doing them?
162
00:06:19,059 --> 00:06:22,178
Oh.
Later, man.
163
00:06:22,212 --> 00:06:25,398
[Sighs]
164
00:06:28,551 --> 00:06:30,603
I actually think
you look really good,
165
00:06:30,654 --> 00:06:33,406
except for the stick
up your butt.
166
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,824
Who do you think drew it?
167
00:06:34,858 --> 00:06:36,826
Was it Nathaniel?
Ellis?
168
00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:38,778
Man, I feel like
these interns
169
00:06:38,829 --> 00:06:41,530
do not respect
or like me at all.
170
00:06:41,564 --> 00:06:43,532
Honestly, you could
loosen up a bit
171
00:06:43,566 --> 00:06:44,784
on the font stuff.
172
00:06:44,835 --> 00:06:47,736
- [Sighs]
- And everything in general.
173
00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:49,538
God, this is insane.
They're interns.
174
00:06:49,572 --> 00:06:52,425
They're totally replaceable,
and I'm their boss.
175
00:06:52,459 --> 00:06:54,844
Just fire them.
176
00:06:54,878 --> 00:06:56,545
Uh, hey, Jen.
177
00:06:56,579 --> 00:06:58,914
Listen, I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.
178
00:06:58,932 --> 00:07:00,883
I'm thinking of
making some changes.
179
00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:03,019
Yeah.
180
00:07:03,053 --> 00:07:06,555
Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.
181
00:07:06,589 --> 00:07:09,775
Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.
182
00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:11,927
Brittany's dad is
Ben Bernanke's dentist.
183
00:07:11,945 --> 00:07:13,863
Every single one
of these little twerps
184
00:07:13,897 --> 00:07:15,431
is seriously connected.
185
00:07:15,449 --> 00:07:16,949
So, new plan.
186
00:07:16,984 --> 00:07:19,601
Instead of firing them,
187
00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:23,105
I am going to kiss
their asses like crazy.
188
00:07:24,123 --> 00:07:26,459
Ms. Knope, this is about
consumer rights,
189
00:07:26,493 --> 00:07:28,878
and if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,
190
00:07:28,912 --> 00:07:32,114
we do provide healthier
options, like water zero.
191
00:07:32,132 --> 00:07:34,467
Oh, yes. Let's talk
about water zero.
192
00:07:34,501 --> 00:07:37,119
The name implies that
there are zero calories,
193
00:07:37,137 --> 00:07:39,621
like most water,
but in fact,
194
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,807
it has 300 calories
per serving.
195
00:07:41,842 --> 00:07:43,809
Isn't that misleading?
196
00:07:43,844 --> 00:07:44,960
The zero on the label
197
00:07:44,978 --> 00:07:46,295
refers to the amount
of water in it,
198
00:07:46,313 --> 00:07:47,430
which is zero.
199
00:07:47,464 --> 00:07:50,266
If you want
zero-calorie water,
200
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,068
try diet water zero lite.
201
00:07:52,102 --> 00:07:53,635
It has only 60 calories.
202
00:07:53,654 --> 00:07:54,987
Okay, I think
we're done here.
203
00:07:55,022 --> 00:07:56,138
Thank you so much.
204
00:07:56,156 --> 00:07:58,640
Oh, councilwoman,
one more thing.
205
00:07:58,659 --> 00:08:00,826
If your tax bill passes,
206
00:08:00,861 --> 00:08:02,828
local restaurants
will hurt badly.
207
00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:05,114
We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.
208
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:07,667
You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.
209
00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:09,335
Are you bluffing?
210
00:08:09,369 --> 00:08:11,253
The second
your tax bill passes,
211
00:08:11,288 --> 00:08:15,157
this press release
goes wide.
212
00:08:15,175 --> 00:08:16,759
See you at the meeting.
213
00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:21,130
"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."
214
00:08:21,164 --> 00:08:22,631
Oh, my God, Ann.
I need some sugar.
215
00:08:22,665 --> 00:08:24,166
No, no. No, no, no!
Stop it!
216
00:08:24,184 --> 00:08:25,834
Leslie, you stop it
right now!
217
00:08:28,598 --> 00:08:29,897
Okay, let's get started.
218
00:08:29,898 --> 00:08:30,982
I proposed this bill,
219
00:08:31,016 --> 00:08:32,700
but the issue has become
very complicated,
220
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:34,936
so before I decide how
I am going to vote,
221
00:08:35,137 --> 00:08:36,587
I'd love to hear
from both sides.
222
00:08:36,638 --> 00:08:37,705
Who'd like to start?
Yes.
223
00:08:37,723 --> 00:08:39,373
Yeah, I work
at Colonel Plump's,
224
00:08:39,391 --> 00:08:40,891
and word around
the Slop Trough is,
225
00:08:40,926 --> 00:08:42,260
they're talking about
laying people off.
226
00:08:42,311 --> 00:08:44,262
So, maybe you could get off
your high horse
227
00:08:44,313 --> 00:08:45,346
and help me keep my job.
228
00:08:45,380 --> 00:08:46,347
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
229
00:08:46,381 --> 00:08:48,549
Well, sir, I may vote
against the tax,
230
00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:50,735
because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.
231
00:08:50,769 --> 00:08:52,153
No. I want the tax.
232
00:08:52,187 --> 00:08:54,238
My husband started drinking
those giant sodas,
233
00:08:54,273 --> 00:08:56,557
and he's gained 100 pounds
in three months.
234
00:08:56,575 --> 00:08:58,576
Consequently, we haven't
had sex in ten years.
235
00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:00,194
I-I thought you said
236
00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:01,495
he gained weight
in the last three months.
237
00:09:01,530 --> 00:09:02,913
Well, we have lots
of other problems.
238
00:09:02,948 --> 00:09:05,032
Well, ma'am,
my original stance
239
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,584
was that implementing
this tax
240
00:09:06,618 --> 00:09:08,035
would be good
for public health.
241
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:10,588
All taxation is theft!
242
00:09:10,622 --> 00:09:12,039
If the government
can tax me,
243
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,907
I-I can--I can do this.
244
00:09:13,925 --> 00:09:15,926
Grover, give that woman
her purse back.
245
00:09:16,711 --> 00:09:18,745
There's a lot of
pill bottles in here.
246
00:09:18,763 --> 00:09:19,880
Okay.
247
00:09:19,914 --> 00:09:22,916
Been making some modifications
to the pace car.
248
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:27,021
Speaker system, Mad Men bar,
iPad dock, and bam!
249
00:09:27,055 --> 00:09:28,389
Orange racing stripe.
250
00:09:28,423 --> 00:09:30,524
It's a perfect recreation
of Han lue's Nissan
251
00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:32,777
in The Fast And The Furious:
Tokyo Drift.
252
00:09:32,811 --> 00:09:36,197
Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.
253
00:09:36,231 --> 00:09:39,567
I want to find something
that really motivates you.
254
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,869
Why do you want to achieve
this goal?
255
00:09:41,903 --> 00:09:43,771
I just want to get
a good job for me and April.
256
00:09:43,789 --> 00:09:46,324
- Yes! Keep going. Dig.
- Okay, yeah.
257
00:09:46,375 --> 00:09:49,877
Uh, I love April.
I think she's awesome.
258
00:09:49,911 --> 00:09:51,629
She's all I care about
in the whole world.
259
00:09:51,663 --> 00:09:53,998
- Yes. Love and family.
- [Laughs]
260
00:09:54,049 --> 00:09:55,416
What else is there,
really?
261
00:09:55,450 --> 00:09:57,134
Nothing at all.
262
00:09:57,169 --> 00:09:59,119
I exercise because,
when I was a baby,
263
00:09:59,137 --> 00:10:00,421
I had
a rare blood disorder,
264
00:10:00,455 --> 00:10:01,972
and I suppose
I need to feel
265
00:10:02,007 --> 00:10:03,473
like my body's
in tip-top shape...
266
00:10:03,508 --> 00:10:04,759
Ah.
267
00:10:04,793 --> 00:10:08,429
So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.
268
00:10:08,463 --> 00:10:10,848
Great. You got yours,
I got mine.
269
00:10:10,899 --> 00:10:14,151
I'm gonna go run
till I puke. Let's go.
270
00:10:14,186 --> 00:10:16,303
Guess what's in these boxes,
everybody?
271
00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:20,524
What? Pizza.
That's right.
272
00:10:20,575 --> 00:10:23,077
Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break on me.
273
00:10:23,111 --> 00:10:27,481
Ellis, what's up, my male?
You grab a slice of 'za, brah.
274
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:28,999
All right.
275
00:10:29,034 --> 00:10:31,085
Hey, dude,
do you play Ultimate?
276
00:10:31,119 --> 00:10:32,420
Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.
277
00:10:32,454 --> 00:10:35,289
Dude, so did I,
in college.
278
00:10:35,323 --> 00:10:36,957
Whoa, you guys
should get married.
279
00:10:36,991 --> 00:10:39,326
We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.
280
00:10:39,344 --> 00:10:42,996
- What about the website?
- Whatever.
281
00:10:43,014 --> 00:10:44,632
You can put those pics up
anytime.
282
00:10:44,666 --> 00:10:46,517
We should lock down
some tight disc grabs,
283
00:10:46,551 --> 00:10:47,518
am I right, ell-bones?
284
00:10:47,552 --> 00:10:49,336
- Yeah, it sounds good.
- Yeah?
285
00:10:49,354 --> 00:10:50,888
- It's better than working.
- [Laughs]
286
00:10:50,939 --> 00:10:52,273
No doubt, no doubt.
287
00:10:52,307 --> 00:10:53,941
All right, listen up,
pizza lovers.
288
00:10:53,975 --> 00:10:59,029
Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.
289
00:10:59,064 --> 00:11:00,981
Everybody's invited.
What do you say?
290
00:11:01,015 --> 00:11:03,350
Let's do it to it,
my dudes.
291
00:11:05,036 --> 00:11:06,654
Okay, anyone else?
292
00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:08,539
Yeah, if we put
a tax on soda,
293
00:11:08,573 --> 00:11:10,207
I mean, what's next,
income?
294
00:11:10,242 --> 00:11:12,042
Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?
295
00:11:12,077 --> 00:11:13,661
Whether or not
I pay income tax
296
00:11:13,695 --> 00:11:15,212
is none of
the government's business.
297
00:11:15,247 --> 00:11:17,882
Oh, well, no,
actually, it is.
298
00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:19,550
Well, you don't know my name
or what I look like,
299
00:11:19,584 --> 00:11:21,001
so good luck finding me.
300
00:11:21,035 --> 00:11:24,037
I think we should tax
all bad things,
301
00:11:24,055 --> 00:11:28,309
like racism
and women's vaginae.
302
00:11:28,343 --> 00:11:30,060
We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.
303
00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:32,045
Then what the hell
are we doing here?
304
00:11:32,063 --> 00:11:34,064
Come on, boys.
305
00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,486
Okay, um, let's take
a quick straw poll.
306
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,739
Hold up green if you agree
and red if you disagree. Ann?
307
00:11:41,773 --> 00:11:45,409
"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."
308
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,161
- So, about half?
- Half.
309
00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:51,094
Okay, "the soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."
310
00:11:51,095 --> 00:11:52,366
Half and half.
311
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:54,001
Thank you very much.
This is very confusing.
312
00:11:54,035 --> 00:11:55,035
I've got an idea.
313
00:11:55,069 --> 00:11:56,670
Maybe instead of me
losing my job,
314
00:11:56,705 --> 00:11:58,205
you ought to lose your job.
315
00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:00,073
Let's recall Leslie Knope.
316
00:12:00,091 --> 00:12:02,092
[Applause]
317
00:12:04,596 --> 00:12:08,081
Let's do this!
318
00:12:08,099 --> 00:12:09,249
Nice catch!
319
00:12:09,267 --> 00:12:11,752
Someone please tell me
we kodaked that moment.
320
00:12:11,770 --> 00:12:13,938
Yeah,
rocked that scoober!
321
00:12:14,972 --> 00:12:18,225
Whoa! You got it, Howie!
[Applause]
322
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:19,693
All right, April,
what's the score?
323
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:21,729
1,000 to 7.
324
00:12:21,763 --> 00:12:24,031
Good sportsmanship, bro.
325
00:12:24,065 --> 00:12:25,399
Sorry.
326
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:26,984
- Andy, repeat after me.
- Okay.
327
00:12:27,035 --> 00:12:28,702
- "I run for April."
- I run for April.
328
00:12:28,737 --> 00:12:30,771
Run for your wife, son!
329
00:12:30,789 --> 00:12:32,606
- "I run for love."
- I run for love.
330
00:12:32,624 --> 00:12:34,041
Playaz, at your marks.
331
00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:35,292
What do you run for again,
Chris?
332
00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:38,445
Nobody. Nothing.
Does it really even matter?
333
00:12:38,463 --> 00:12:41,799
Get set.
Get at me!
334
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,050
[Thud]
335
00:12:43,084 --> 00:12:44,117
Whoa!
336
00:12:44,135 --> 00:12:45,469
Oh, hey, you okay?
337
00:12:45,504 --> 00:12:47,788
No. There's something
wrong with my body.
338
00:12:47,806 --> 00:12:50,391
- What?
- My legs aren't working.
339
00:12:50,425 --> 00:12:51,959
I'm broken.
340
00:12:51,977 --> 00:12:54,461
I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.
341
00:12:54,479 --> 00:12:55,596
Hey.
342
00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:57,815
- Yikes. You look weird.
- So do you.
343
00:12:58,349 --> 00:13:00,133
That's a lie.
You always look beautiful.
344
00:13:00,151 --> 00:13:01,852
Okay, well, I couldn't sleep
a wink last night,
345
00:13:01,903 --> 00:13:02,970
so at 5:00 in the morning,
346
00:13:02,988 --> 00:13:04,605
I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.
347
00:13:04,639 --> 00:13:06,323
I couldn't decide
what kind of soda I wanted,
348
00:13:06,358 --> 00:13:07,808
so I had them put all six
in one cup.
349
00:13:07,826 --> 00:13:08,809
You know what it tastes like?
350
00:13:08,827 --> 00:13:10,310
- Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm.
351
00:13:10,328 --> 00:13:12,079
- How are you gonna vote?
- I don't know.
352
00:13:12,113 --> 00:13:14,198
If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job,
353
00:13:14,249 --> 00:13:15,249
and if I vote against it,
354
00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:16,817
I might be betraying
my own bill.
355
00:13:16,835 --> 00:13:19,870
It's like I'm floating in
this giant river of ambiguity.
356
00:13:19,921 --> 00:13:22,423
I'm under a warm waterfall
of uncertainty.
357
00:13:22,457 --> 00:13:23,841
Do you just have to pee
real bad?
358
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:25,426
- Yes.
- Yeah.
359
00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:27,344
I've lost
all of my instincts.
360
00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:29,430
I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
361
00:13:29,464 --> 00:13:31,348
I'm just gonna have to wait,
and when they call my name,
362
00:13:31,383 --> 00:13:33,851
I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.
363
00:13:33,885 --> 00:13:35,168
[Gavel bangs]
364
00:13:35,186 --> 00:13:37,471
- Councilman Howser?
- Aye.
365
00:13:37,505 --> 00:13:39,172
Councilman Howser
votes aye.
366
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:42,276
Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
367
00:13:44,479 --> 00:13:45,946
Oh, no.
368
00:13:45,981 --> 00:13:46,947
[Vomits]
369
00:13:46,982 --> 00:13:48,515
[Onlookers react
with disgust]
370
00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:49,783
[Vomiting continues]
371
00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:51,452
[Coughs]
372
00:13:51,486 --> 00:13:52,870
Uhh!
373
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,992
Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.
374
00:13:58,026 --> 00:14:01,662
Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have a re--aah!
375
00:14:01,696 --> 00:14:02,863
[Vomits]
376
00:14:03,381 --> 00:14:04,582
Can we take a recess?
377
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,271
Well. your pulse is super-fast,
378
00:14:08,272 --> 00:14:10,439
but that wouldn't be out of
line for someone who drank
379
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,808
and then barfed up
a gallon of sugar water.
380
00:14:12,842 --> 00:14:14,276
Wow, I'm a mess.
381
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:16,062
Everything's upside-down,
you know?
382
00:14:16,113 --> 00:14:17,846
I mean, when I used to
just work here,
383
00:14:17,864 --> 00:14:19,398
I was always
so sure of myself.
384
00:14:19,449 --> 00:14:21,016
Now everything is different.
385
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,153
Jeez. Do you guys know
how to dissolve super glue?
386
00:14:24,687 --> 00:14:26,288
Well, not everything's
different, right?
387
00:14:29,659 --> 00:14:30,710
Right.
388
00:14:30,994 --> 00:14:32,828
(Imitates Rob Schneider)
Hey, Ellis.
389
00:14:32,863 --> 00:14:39,785
Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra.
Drinkin' coffee.
390
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:43,739
- What?
- Oh, it's--it's a--
391
00:14:43,773 --> 00:14:46,008
it's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.
392
00:14:46,042 --> 00:14:49,328
Hey, that was really fun
this morning, huh?
393
00:14:49,362 --> 00:14:50,329
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
394
00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:51,430
- Yeah, totally.
- [Laughs]
395
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:55,351
- Uh...
- Oh, wow, look at that.
396
00:14:55,385 --> 00:14:58,320
[Laughs]
Did you draw that?
397
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:00,239
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- No, no, no, no, no.
398
00:15:00,273 --> 00:15:01,690
It's really good.
399
00:15:01,724 --> 00:15:05,227
I mean, you're a--
you're a great artist.
400
00:15:05,245 --> 00:15:06,495
Oh, I can't do this.
401
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,999
Look, I don't care
who you're related to.
402
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,568
I'm your boss, and you can't
keep disrespecting me like this.
403
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:17,072
Hey, man, I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.
404
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:20,042
- What?
- Her.
405
00:15:20,076 --> 00:15:22,411
April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.
406
00:15:22,429 --> 00:15:25,514
Does everyone think
she's my daughter? Whatever.
407
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:29,018
The point is, she would
never do that to me.
408
00:15:29,852 --> 00:15:31,020
Sorry, Dad.
409
00:15:36,777 --> 00:15:40,062
Ron, my rock,
my steady, guiding light.
410
00:15:40,096 --> 00:15:41,864
O Captain, my Captain.
411
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,233
Did you get that soda refill
I asked for?
412
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,651
I need you, Ron, okay?
I'm in big trouble.
413
00:15:45,702 --> 00:15:47,436
I need to go back to
those chambers in 20 minutes,
414
00:15:47,454 --> 00:15:48,654
and I have to cast a vote,
415
00:15:48,705 --> 00:15:49,872
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
416
00:15:49,906 --> 00:15:51,073
I'm sure
you'll figure it out.
417
00:15:51,107 --> 00:15:52,825
Ron, the people
at the public forum
418
00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:54,126
said they might
want to fire me.
419
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,744
So what?
I've tried to fire you.
420
00:15:55,778 --> 00:15:57,713
[Laughs]
421
00:15:57,747 --> 00:15:59,381
Okay, Ron, come on.
Be serious.
422
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:02,084
I was not joking.
423
00:16:02,118 --> 00:16:04,970
Here is your personnel file.
See for yourself.
424
00:16:06,339 --> 00:16:09,124
"Brilliant work."
"Commendation."
425
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:10,643
"Above and beyond."
426
00:16:10,677 --> 00:16:11,644
Keep reading.
427
00:16:13,178 --> 00:16:15,314
"Request
for termination"?
428
00:16:15,848 --> 00:16:17,466
You tried to fire me once?
429
00:16:17,484 --> 00:16:20,135
No, no, no, no.
I tried to fire you four times.
430
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:25,908
What--you--me--fou--
four--fired--times?
431
00:16:25,942 --> 00:16:28,577
If you need to boot again,
the trash can's on your right.
432
00:16:30,330 --> 00:16:32,998
Hey, man, what'd the doc say?
Everything okay?
433
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:35,084
The tests and blood work
came back,
434
00:16:35,118 --> 00:16:37,336
and the news is terrible.
435
00:16:37,370 --> 00:16:39,599
- [Gasps]
- They found
436
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:40,589
nothing.
437
00:16:41,124 --> 00:16:42,007
Nothing?
438
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:45,327
- Nothing. The silent killer.
- Oh, my God.
439
00:16:45,345 --> 00:16:46,595
Chris, that means
everything's okay.
440
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,497
Why weren't you
at practice this morning?
441
00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:49,682
Yeah, you should have
been there.
442
00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:50,999
I finally hit
my minimum requirement.
443
00:16:51,017 --> 00:16:53,502
Minimum champion!
444
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,020
I'm going to die one day,
probably,
445
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,306
without ever having
left my mark
446
00:16:57,340 --> 00:16:59,174
on this silly,
little planet.
447
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:04,897
I'm gonna die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.
448
00:17:04,948 --> 00:17:06,148
Wow.
449
00:17:06,182 --> 00:17:07,149
It sounds like you're
really going through
450
00:17:07,183 --> 00:17:08,484
some tough stuff
right now.
451
00:17:08,518 --> 00:17:12,154
It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.
452
00:17:12,188 --> 00:17:13,539
All right, well, hey,
453
00:17:13,573 --> 00:17:14,707
I'm gonna go run
some more laps.
454
00:17:14,741 --> 00:17:16,575
Will you time me?
Go.
455
00:17:16,626 --> 00:17:17,877
He's kind of right,
Chris.
456
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:18,994
You were freaking out
457
00:17:19,028 --> 00:17:20,796
because you were
thinking about Andy
458
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,698
and his family
and how you don't have one.
459
00:17:22,716 --> 00:17:24,583
Every time something tiny
goes wrong,
460
00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:26,886
you spiral like crazy.
461
00:17:27,270 --> 00:17:30,388
Maybe you should see
a therapist.
462
00:17:30,406 --> 00:17:32,140
I hope I'm not out of line.
463
00:17:33,675 --> 00:17:36,194
Au contraire, mon frere.
464
00:17:36,228 --> 00:17:40,065
You are as "in line"
as a person can be.
465
00:17:40,083 --> 00:17:43,919
You are a genius
and an amazing motivator.
466
00:17:43,953 --> 00:17:47,072
[Groans]
What was my time?
467
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:49,841
- I don't know. 43.
- Yes! New record.
468
00:17:49,876 --> 00:17:55,297
All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.
469
00:17:55,348 --> 00:17:58,934
Run a four-minute mile,
climb Mount Everest.
470
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:01,086
But before I can do that,
471
00:18:01,104 --> 00:18:05,190
I need to climb
the Mount Everest
472
00:18:05,224 --> 00:18:06,925
of my mind.
473
00:18:06,993 --> 00:18:09,411
I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?
474
00:18:09,446 --> 00:18:12,598
The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.
475
00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:14,816
I would say no to something
you wanted to do,
476
00:18:14,835 --> 00:18:16,085
and you'd ignore me
477
00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:17,670
or go over my head
and do it anyway.
478
00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:19,755
You were insubordinate,
stubborn,
479
00:18:19,789 --> 00:18:22,007
a pain in my ass,
and, worst of all, bubbly.
480
00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:24,009
I was a dedicated
public servant.
481
00:18:24,044 --> 00:18:26,345
Right. That was
the worst thing you were.
482
00:18:26,379 --> 00:18:27,930
The point is, I ended up
483
00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:30,516
withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired,
484
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:31,767
because, ultimately,
485
00:18:31,801 --> 00:18:34,386
I'd rather work with
a person of conviction
486
00:18:34,437 --> 00:18:36,522
than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
487
00:18:36,556 --> 00:18:39,108
Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in,
488
00:18:39,142 --> 00:18:40,643
but I know
with this new job.
489
00:18:40,677 --> 00:18:43,312
I-I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.
490
00:18:43,346 --> 00:18:44,780
No, you haven't.
491
00:18:44,814 --> 00:18:46,949
You may have wandered
into unknown terrain,
492
00:18:46,983 --> 00:18:49,368
but you're still you.
493
00:18:49,402 --> 00:18:50,986
You know what?
494
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:52,521
Are you gonna pull out
495
00:18:52,539 --> 00:18:54,823
some embarrassing photo of me
from high school?
496
00:18:54,857 --> 00:18:58,294
Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.
497
00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:01,496
Thank you, Ron.
498
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,583
And, listen, as far as
this firing stuff goes,
499
00:19:04,617 --> 00:19:07,652
I won't forget and I will
never forgive you.
500
00:19:07,670 --> 00:19:09,955
There she is.
501
00:19:09,989 --> 00:19:12,424
Here's that report
you wanted, boss.
502
00:19:12,458 --> 00:19:15,677
It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it,
503
00:19:15,712 --> 00:19:17,045
and you only like one.
504
00:19:17,096 --> 00:19:20,331
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.
505
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,801
Okay, I'm sorry I drew
those pictures of you.
506
00:19:22,835 --> 00:19:24,136
I was just messing around.
507
00:19:24,170 --> 00:19:26,104
Look, you may not
take this seriously,
508
00:19:26,139 --> 00:19:28,357
but this job
is important to me.
509
00:19:28,441 --> 00:19:30,492
And by the way,
you should take it seriously,
510
00:19:30,527 --> 00:19:32,394
because I asked you
to come work here
511
00:19:32,412 --> 00:19:33,495
because I thought
you'd enjoy it
512
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:34,896
and I think you're smart,
513
00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:38,200
but you have to have some
semblance of professionalism,
514
00:19:38,234 --> 00:19:41,670
and I need you to give, like,
even a 15% effort.
515
00:19:42,655 --> 00:19:44,322
- 12%.
- 15.
516
00:19:44,356 --> 00:19:46,324
For God's sake, I'm asking
for 15% effort.
517
00:19:46,358 --> 00:19:48,377
It's not supposed to be
a negotiation.
518
00:19:48,411 --> 00:19:52,697
Fine. I'm sorry. 15.
519
00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:57,753
City councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
520
00:19:59,723 --> 00:20:03,025
Aye.
Strongly in favor.
521
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:05,894
The soda tax measure passes,
3-2.
522
00:20:05,928 --> 00:20:07,112
[Gavel bangs]
523
00:20:07,147 --> 00:20:08,447
Yes, I'm very pleased
with my vote
524
00:20:08,481 --> 00:20:10,366
because I voted
my conscience.
525
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,534
And by the way,
she's totally bluffing
526
00:20:12,569 --> 00:20:14,320
about laying people off,
you watch.
527
00:20:14,371 --> 00:20:17,122
Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,
528
00:20:17,157 --> 00:20:18,207
but that is
part of the job.
529
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:19,891
And who knows,
maybe in the future,
530
00:20:19,992 --> 00:20:22,277
my enemies will become
my friends.
531
00:20:22,328 --> 00:20:24,062
Stranger things
have happened.
532
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,332
Let's keep it down
out there.
533
00:20:27,366 --> 00:20:28,733
[Door slams]
534
00:20:28,751 --> 00:20:29,918
[Sighs]
535
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,367
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
536
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:37,453
Ellis hates you,
and he has herpes.
537
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,373
- Hey, what's your problem?
- My problem is you, Smellis.
538
00:20:40,374 --> 00:20:41,958
Ben told you
to finish the website,
539
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,576
and if you don't do it,
I swear to God,
540
00:20:43,627 --> 00:20:45,461
I'm gonna murder you
in your sleep.
541
00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:46,879
I know where you live.
14th street, right?
542
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:48,381
I'm gonna get a melon baller
543
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,299
and scoop your eyes out
and eat them,
544
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:53,085
and your congressman uncle
is gonna have to buy you a dog
545
00:20:53,136 --> 00:20:55,388
to drag your eyeless face
around.
546
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,339
Do you understand me?
547
00:20:57,373 --> 00:21:00,209
Yes.
548
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:01,210
[Slap]
549
00:21:01,278 --> 00:21:02,678
Do it.
550
00:21:06,008 --> 00:21:11,008
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com