1
00:00:00,275 --> 00:00:02,943
Andy and Leslie
sent us care packages.
2
00:00:03,175 --> 00:00:06,043
"Hey Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home."
3
00:00:06,077 --> 00:00:07,077
"Love, Leslie."
4
00:00:07,095 --> 00:00:08,880
Ah, Waffle Mix.
5
00:00:08,914 --> 00:00:10,581
JJ's diner mug.
6
00:00:10,599 --> 00:00:12,550
New pajamas.
7
00:00:12,584 --> 00:00:14,719
Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.
8
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:17,471
"Box 1 of 12"?
9
00:00:18,022 --> 00:00:20,090
"April, here's something
to help you remember
10
00:00:20,108 --> 00:00:22,109
our three-legged dog
Champion."
11
00:00:22,144 --> 00:00:23,260
Ah, that's cute.
12
00:00:23,278 --> 00:00:24,762
"Also, you are way better
at laundry.
13
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:27,264
"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?
14
00:00:27,282 --> 00:00:30,034
Thanks. Love you.
Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."
15
00:00:30,068 --> 00:00:31,118
Less cute.
16
00:00:31,153 --> 00:00:32,370
"P.S. Please hurry.
17
00:00:32,404 --> 00:00:34,071
"I've been wearing
a bandana as underwear
18
00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:35,072
for three days now."
19
00:00:35,106 --> 00:00:36,741
Look, there's a picture.
20
00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:39,543
Ah!
That's horrifying.
21
00:00:42,264 --> 00:00:44,599
I love him so much.
22
00:00:47,636 --> 00:00:52,236
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:01:04,820 --> 00:01:07,038
Okay, so do you have
the results of the study?
24
00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:08,456
Yes, and they're great.
25
00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:09,957
Your tax on soda
26
00:01:09,992 --> 00:01:12,076
would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.
27
00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:14,445
Oh, and I have a great prop
for the meeting.
28
00:01:14,463 --> 00:01:15,880
This is the amount of sugar
29
00:01:15,914 --> 00:01:17,882
that the average Pawnee
10-year-old consumes,
30
00:01:17,916 --> 00:01:20,084
from soda, every month.
31
00:01:20,118 --> 00:01:21,469
- That is gross.
- It's gross.
32
00:01:21,503 --> 00:01:23,287
- All that sugar?
- It's really gross.
33
00:01:23,305 --> 00:01:25,089
- What a powerful image.
- What are you doing?
34
00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:26,307
What did you put in the sugar?
It's so good.
35
00:01:26,341 --> 00:01:28,309
My first act
as a city councilwoman--
36
00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:31,429
I've proposed a tax on
all those giant sugary sodas
37
00:01:31,463 --> 00:01:33,497
so we can discourage people
from drinking them.
38
00:01:33,532 --> 00:01:34,899
I believe, with my help,
39
00:01:34,933 --> 00:01:36,800
all local restaurants
can get healthier--
40
00:01:36,818 --> 00:01:39,487
Paunch Burger, Big and Wide,
The Fat Sack,
41
00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:41,238
Coronel Plum's Slop Trough--
44
00:01:46,978 --> 00:01:48,312
Ah, councilwoman.
45
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:50,081
In honor of
your never-ending quest
46
00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:51,815
to personally babysit
47
00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:53,367
each and every
American citizen,
48
00:01:53,418 --> 00:01:56,087
I went to Paunch Burger
and got myself a Number two--
49
00:01:56,121 --> 00:01:59,156
Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe,
hash browns,
50
00:01:59,174 --> 00:02:01,492
chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.
51
00:02:01,510 --> 00:02:03,494
Ugh!
Number two is right.
52
00:02:03,512 --> 00:02:06,514
I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums Sugar Splash.
53
00:02:06,548 --> 00:02:08,349
Damn it, I love this country
so much.
54
00:02:08,383 --> 00:02:10,851
Ron, I'm really glad
that you're here.
55
00:02:10,886 --> 00:02:12,836
Our political differences
aside,
56
00:02:12,854 --> 00:02:15,005
I am about to go to
my first committee meeting
57
00:02:15,023 --> 00:02:18,476
as a city councilwoman.
58
00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:19,977
There's something
I need to say to you.
59
00:02:20,011 --> 00:02:21,195
Please don't.
60
00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:22,947
I know you hate
feelings and emotions,
61
00:02:22,981 --> 00:02:25,032
but I would not be where I am
if it wasn't for you.
62
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,851
You hired me.
You've always supported me.
63
00:02:27,869 --> 00:02:29,320
How can I ever repay you?
64
00:02:30,822 --> 00:02:31,989
Get me a refill.
65
00:02:34,576 --> 00:02:36,160
Hey, everybody.
66
00:02:36,194 --> 00:02:37,878
So, I've been going
over your reports.
67
00:02:37,913 --> 00:02:41,966
Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?
68
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,384
There's a crazy amount
69
00:02:43,418 --> 00:02:46,036
of random font differences
in these memos.
70
00:02:46,054 --> 00:02:49,206
Yeah, people.
Consistent font usage. Come on.
71
00:02:49,224 --> 00:02:51,892
Times New Roman,
across the board.
72
00:02:51,927 --> 00:02:55,479
No Geneva, no Garamond,
definitely no Papyrus.
73
00:02:55,514 --> 00:02:56,981
Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?
74
00:02:57,015 --> 00:02:59,550
There's no place for that in
a professional office setting.
75
00:02:59,568 --> 00:03:00,985
Yes!
Thank you, April.
76
00:03:01,019 --> 00:03:05,239
These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape,
77
00:03:05,273 --> 00:03:08,025
but don't worry, because
they call me Devo,
78
00:03:08,059 --> 00:03:10,327
'cause I can
"whip 'em good."
79
00:03:12,247 --> 00:03:15,566
And obviously make sure
the content's perfect too.
80
00:03:15,584 --> 00:03:18,235
Oh, and, uh, 12 point.
81
00:03:18,253 --> 00:03:21,539
13's just obnoxious.
Great meeting.
82
00:03:21,573 --> 00:03:23,424
Out of the way, people.
83
00:03:23,458 --> 00:03:25,092
Motivational brigade
coming through.
84
00:03:25,127 --> 00:03:26,910
Ho ho!
85
00:03:26,928 --> 00:03:29,746
So, you boys are gonna go
work out together, huh?
86
00:03:29,765 --> 00:03:32,883
Nice. Whereabouts?
Community college.
87
00:03:32,917 --> 00:03:34,051
Eh, that's too far.
88
00:03:34,085 --> 00:03:36,053
Chris and Tom offered
to help me train
89
00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:37,721
to become a police officer.
90
00:03:37,755 --> 00:03:40,924
The physical exam is
about three months away
91
00:03:40,942 --> 00:03:48,032
and I am in terrible shape,
but I can already do this...
92
00:03:48,066 --> 00:03:50,701
So, I'm getting there.
93
00:03:50,735 --> 00:03:51,819
So, I've got
a list of everything
94
00:03:51,870 --> 00:03:53,070
that I'm supposed to
be able to do
95
00:03:53,104 --> 00:03:54,955
to get into the police academy,
and number one is,
96
00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:58,108
"be able to run 2 miles
in under 25 minutes."
97
00:03:58,126 --> 00:03:59,293
That's a typo, right?
98
00:03:59,327 --> 00:04:00,578
I mean,
that's humanly impossible.
99
00:04:00,612 --> 00:04:03,380
When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,
100
00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:05,049
anything is possible.
101
00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:08,719
Anything is possible!
102
00:04:08,753 --> 00:04:10,588
Ms. Pinewood,
103
00:04:10,622 --> 00:04:12,256
recently, many of
the local restaurants
104
00:04:12,290 --> 00:04:15,176
have changed their
"small-size" option
105
00:04:15,227 --> 00:04:18,062
to a whopping 64-ounces.
106
00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:20,514
That's correct, and it's
great for the consumer.
107
00:04:20,565 --> 00:04:21,965
More bang for the buck.
108
00:04:21,983 --> 00:04:24,068
Are we putting bargains
on trial here?
109
00:04:24,102 --> 00:04:26,470
How could any sane person
call that "small"?
110
00:04:26,488 --> 00:04:28,572
Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,
111
00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:29,740
there is an option.
112
00:04:29,774 --> 00:04:32,610
Oh, do you mean
the "li'I swallow"?
113
00:04:32,644 --> 00:04:34,328
Does anybody buy that?
114
00:04:34,362 --> 00:04:35,746
Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses,
115
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:37,531
but they're not
very popular.
116
00:04:37,582 --> 00:04:39,033
I mean, for only
a nickel more,
117
00:04:39,084 --> 00:04:40,751
you get 64 ounces.
118
00:04:41,285 --> 00:04:44,655
Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out
119
00:04:44,673 --> 00:04:48,959
with a new 128-ounce option.
120
00:04:48,993 --> 00:04:51,345
Most people call it
a gallon,
121
00:04:51,379 --> 00:04:52,680
but they call it
the "regular."
122
00:04:52,714 --> 00:04:56,717
Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version
123
00:04:56,768 --> 00:04:59,470
that the call "child size."
124
00:04:59,504 --> 00:05:02,273
How is this
a "child-size soda"?
125
00:05:02,307 --> 00:05:05,025
Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child,
126
00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:06,527
if the child were liquefied.
127
00:05:06,561 --> 00:05:08,946
It's a real bargain
at $1.59.
128
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:10,197
I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,
129
00:05:10,232 --> 00:05:11,949
but why would anybody
need this much soda?
130
00:05:11,983 --> 00:05:14,118
It's not my place to speak
for the consumer,
131
00:05:14,152 --> 00:05:17,371
but everyone should buy it.
132
00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:19,456
Come on, Andy, come on.
You can do it.
133
00:05:19,491 --> 00:05:20,791
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.
134
00:05:20,825 --> 00:05:22,859
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig,
dig, dig, dig, dig.
135
00:05:22,878 --> 00:05:24,194
- Aah!
- Yes!
136
00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:25,546
Oh, my God.
137
00:05:25,580 --> 00:05:28,465
It's so hot.
It was horrible.
138
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,669
Oh, I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.
139
00:05:31,703 --> 00:05:34,388
Everything hurts.
140
00:05:34,422 --> 00:05:36,707
Running is impossible.
141
00:05:37,225 --> 00:05:38,475
What are you doing?
142
00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:40,761
Tom, now is not the time
for criticism.
143
00:05:40,812 --> 00:05:42,212
How did he do?
144
00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:45,316
Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
145
00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:48,936
No! I'm never
gonna be a cop.
146
00:05:48,987 --> 00:05:50,571
I'm gonna have to be
a robber.
147
00:05:50,605 --> 00:05:52,055
Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.
148
00:05:52,073 --> 00:05:53,657
I'm gonna drive around.
149
00:05:54,692 --> 00:05:57,561
Andy, I'm proud of you.
150
00:05:57,579 --> 00:05:59,896
Not because of what you did,
which was terrible,
151
00:05:59,915 --> 00:06:02,783
but because of what I'm going to
be able to get you to do.
152
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:04,251
I guess I'm proud of me.
153
00:06:04,286 --> 00:06:05,419
Thanks, man.
Me too.
154
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:07,904
We have so much work to do.
155
00:06:07,923 --> 00:06:09,506
Oh, hey, Ellis,
156
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,074
have you put the campaign
pictures up on the website?
157
00:06:11,092 --> 00:06:15,012
Oh. Yeah.
I started doing them.
158
00:06:15,046 --> 00:06:18,399
And are you going to
finish doing them?
159
00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:21,552
Oh.
Later, man.
160
00:06:27,925 --> 00:06:29,977
I actually think
you look really good,
161
00:06:30,028 --> 00:06:32,780
except for the stick
up your butt.
162
00:06:32,814 --> 00:06:34,198
Who do you think drew it?
163
00:06:34,232 --> 00:06:36,200
Was it Nathaniel?
Ellis?
164
00:06:36,234 --> 00:06:38,152
Man, I feel like
these interns
165
00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:40,904
do not respect
or like me at all.
166
00:06:40,938 --> 00:06:42,906
Honestly, you could
loosen up a bit
167
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:44,158
on the font stuff.
168
00:06:44,209 --> 00:06:47,110
And everything in general.
169
00:06:47,128 --> 00:06:48,912
God, this is insane.
They're interns.
170
00:06:48,946 --> 00:06:51,799
They're totally replaceable,
and I'm their boss.
171
00:06:51,833 --> 00:06:54,218
Just fire them.
172
00:06:54,252 --> 00:06:55,919
Uh, hey, Jen.
173
00:06:55,953 --> 00:06:58,288
Listen, I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.
174
00:06:58,306 --> 00:07:00,257
I'm thinking of
making some changes.
175
00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:02,393
Yeah.
176
00:07:02,427 --> 00:07:05,929
Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.
177
00:07:05,963 --> 00:07:09,149
Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.
178
00:07:09,184 --> 00:07:11,301
Brittany's dad is
Ben Bernanke's dentist.
179
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:13,237
Every single one
of these little twerps
180
00:07:13,271 --> 00:07:14,805
is seriously connected.
181
00:07:14,823 --> 00:07:16,323
So, new plan.
182
00:07:16,358 --> 00:07:18,975
Instead of firing them,
183
00:07:18,994 --> 00:07:22,479
I am going to kiss
their asses like crazy.
184
00:07:23,497 --> 00:07:25,833
Ms. Knope, this is about
consumer rights,
185
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,252
and if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,
186
00:07:28,286 --> 00:07:31,488
we do provide healthier
options, like water zero.
187
00:07:31,506 --> 00:07:33,841
Oh, yes. Let's talk
about water zero.
188
00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:36,493
The name implies that
there are zero calories,
189
00:07:36,511 --> 00:07:38,995
like most water,
but in fact,
190
00:07:39,014 --> 00:07:41,181
it has 300 calories
per serving.
191
00:07:41,216 --> 00:07:43,183
Isn't that misleading?
192
00:07:43,218 --> 00:07:44,334
The zero on the label
193
00:07:44,352 --> 00:07:45,669
refers to the amount
of water in it,
194
00:07:45,687 --> 00:07:46,804
which is zero.
195
00:07:46,838 --> 00:07:49,640
If you want
zero-calorie water,
196
00:07:49,674 --> 00:07:51,442
try diet water zero lite.
197
00:07:51,476 --> 00:07:53,009
It has only 60 calories.
198
00:07:53,028 --> 00:07:54,361
Okay, I think
we're done here.
199
00:07:54,396 --> 00:07:55,512
Thank you so much.
200
00:07:55,530 --> 00:07:58,014
Oh, councilwoman,
one more thing.
201
00:07:58,033 --> 00:08:00,200
If your tax bill passes,
202
00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:02,202
local restaurants
will hurt badly.
203
00:08:02,237 --> 00:08:04,488
We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.
204
00:08:04,522 --> 00:08:07,041
You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.
205
00:08:07,575 --> 00:08:08,709
Are you bluffing?
206
00:08:08,743 --> 00:08:10,627
The second
your tax bill passes,
207
00:08:10,662 --> 00:08:14,531
this press release
goes wide.
208
00:08:14,549 --> 00:08:16,133
See you at the meeting.
209
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:20,504
"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."
210
00:08:20,538 --> 00:08:22,005
Oh, my God, Ann.
I need some sugar.
211
00:08:22,039 --> 00:08:23,540
No, no. No, no, no!
Stop it!
212
00:08:23,558 --> 00:08:25,208
Leslie, you stop it
right now!
213
00:08:27,123 --> 00:08:28,422
Okay, let's get started.
214
00:08:28,423 --> 00:08:29,507
I proposed this bill,
215
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,585
but the issue has become
very complicated,
216
00:08:31,619 --> 00:08:33,821
so before I decide how
I am going to vote,
217
00:08:34,022 --> 00:08:35,472
I'd love to hear
from both sides.
218
00:08:35,523 --> 00:08:36,590
Who'd like to start?
Yes.
219
00:08:36,608 --> 00:08:38,258
Yeah, I work
at Colonel Plump's,
220
00:08:38,276 --> 00:08:39,776
and word around
the Slop Trough is,
221
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,145
they're talking about
laying people off.
222
00:08:41,196 --> 00:08:43,147
So, maybe you could get off
your high horse
223
00:08:43,198 --> 00:08:44,231
and help me keep my job.
224
00:08:44,265 --> 00:08:45,232
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
225
00:08:45,266 --> 00:08:47,434
Well, sir, I may vote
against the tax,
226
00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:49,620
because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.
227
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,038
No. I want the tax.
228
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,123
My husband started drinking
those giant sodas,
229
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:55,442
and he's gained 100 pounds
in three months.
230
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:57,461
Consequently, we haven't
had sex in ten years.
231
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,079
I-I thought you said
232
00:08:59,113 --> 00:09:00,380
he gained weight
in the last three months.
233
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:01,798
Well, we have lots
of other problems.
234
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,917
Well, ma'am,
my original stance
235
00:09:03,951 --> 00:09:05,469
was that implementing
this tax
236
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,920
would be good
for public health.
237
00:09:06,954 --> 00:09:09,473
All taxation is theft!
238
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,924
If the government
can tax me,
239
00:09:10,958 --> 00:09:12,792
I-I can--I can do this.
240
00:09:12,810 --> 00:09:14,811
Grover, give that woman
her purse back.
241
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,630
There's a lot of
pill bottles in here.
242
00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:18,765
Okay.
243
00:09:18,799 --> 00:09:21,801
Been making some modifications
to the pace car.
244
00:09:21,819 --> 00:09:25,906
Speaker system, Mad Men bar,
iPad dock, and bam!
245
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,274
Orange racing stripe.
246
00:09:27,308 --> 00:09:29,409
It's a perfect recreation
of Han lue's Nissan
247
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,662
in The Fast And The Furious:
Tokyo Drift.
248
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:35,082
Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.
249
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,452
I want to find something
that really motivates you.
250
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:40,754
Why do you want to achieve
this goal?
251
00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:42,656
I just want to get
a good job for me and April.
252
00:09:42,674 --> 00:09:45,209
- Yes! Keep going. Dig.
- Okay, yeah.
253
00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:48,762
Uh, I love April.
I think she's awesome.
254
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,514
She's all I care about
in the whole world.
255
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,883
Yes. Love and family.
256
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,301
What else is there,
really?
257
00:09:54,335 --> 00:09:56,019
Nothing at all.
258
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,004
I exercise because,
when I was a baby,
259
00:09:58,022 --> 00:09:59,306
I had
a rare blood disorder,
260
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:00,857
and I suppose
I need to feel
261
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,358
like my body's
in tip-top shape...
262
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,644
Ah.
263
00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:07,314
So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.
264
00:10:07,348 --> 00:10:09,733
Great. You got yours,
I got mine.
265
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:13,036
I'm gonna go run
till I puke. Let's go.
266
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,188
Guess what's in these boxes,
everybody?
267
00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:19,409
What? Pizza.
That's right.
268
00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:21,962
Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break on me.
269
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:26,366
Ellis, what's up, my male?
You grab a slice of 'za, brah.
270
00:10:26,384 --> 00:10:27,884
All right.
271
00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:29,970
Hey, dude,
do you play Ultimate?
272
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,305
Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.
273
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,174
Dude, so did I,
in college.
274
00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:35,842
Whoa, you guys
should get married.
275
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,211
We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.
276
00:10:38,229 --> 00:10:41,881
- What about the website?
- Whatever.
277
00:10:41,899 --> 00:10:43,517
You can put those pics up
anytime.
278
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:45,402
We should lock down
some tight disc grabs,
279
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,403
am I right, ell-bones?
280
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,221
- Yeah, it sounds good.
- Yeah?
281
00:10:48,239 --> 00:10:49,773
It's better than working.
282
00:10:49,824 --> 00:10:51,158
No doubt, no doubt.
283
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,826
All right, listen up,
pizza lovers.
284
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:57,914
Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.
285
00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,866
Everybody's invited.
What do you say?
286
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,235
Let's do it to it,
my dudes.
287
00:11:03,921 --> 00:11:05,539
Okay, anyone else?
288
00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:07,424
Yeah, if we put
a tax on soda,
289
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,092
I mean, what's next,
income?
290
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,927
Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?
291
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,546
Whether or not
I pay income tax
292
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,097
is none of
the government's business.
293
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,767
Oh, well, no,
actually, it is.
294
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,435
Well, you don't know my name
or what I look like,
295
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,886
so good luck finding me.
296
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,922
I think we should tax
all bad things,
297
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:27,194
like racism
and women's vaginae.
298
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,945
We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.
299
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,930
Then what the hell
are we doing here?
300
00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:32,949
Come on, boys.
301
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,371
Okay, um, let's take
a quick straw poll.
302
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,624
Hold up green if you agree
and red if you disagree. Ann?
303
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:44,294
"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."
304
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,046
- So, about half?
- Half.
305
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,979
Okay, "the soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."
306
00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:51,251
Half and half.
307
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,886
Thank you very much.
This is very confusing.
308
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:53,920
I've got an idea.
309
00:11:53,954 --> 00:11:55,555
Maybe instead of me
losing my job,
310
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,090
you ought to lose your job.
311
00:11:57,124 --> 00:11:58,958
Let's recall Leslie Knope.
312
00:12:03,481 --> 00:12:06,966
Let's do this!
313
00:12:06,984 --> 00:12:08,134
Nice catch!
314
00:12:08,152 --> 00:12:10,637
Someone please tell me
we kodaked that moment.
315
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:12,823
Yeah,
rocked that scoober!
316
00:12:13,857 --> 00:12:17,110
Whoa! You got it, Howie!
317
00:12:17,144 --> 00:12:18,578
All right, April,
what's the score?
318
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:20,614
1,000 to 7.
319
00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:22,916
Good sportsmanship, bro.
320
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:24,284
Sorry.
321
00:12:24,318 --> 00:12:25,869
- Andy, repeat after me.
- Okay.
322
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,587
- "I run for April."
- I run for April.
323
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,656
Run for your wife, son!
324
00:12:29,674 --> 00:12:31,491
- "I run for love."
- I run for love.
325
00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:32,926
Playaz, at your marks.
326
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,177
What do you run for again,
Chris?
327
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:37,330
Nobody. Nothing.
Does it really even matter?
328
00:12:37,348 --> 00:12:40,684
Get set.
Get at me!
329
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,002
Whoa!
330
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:44,354
Oh, hey, you okay?
331
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,673
No. There's something
wrong with my body.
332
00:12:46,691 --> 00:12:49,276
- What?
- My legs aren't working.
333
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,844
I'm broken.
334
00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:53,346
I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.
335
00:12:53,364 --> 00:12:54,481
Hey.
336
00:12:54,515 --> 00:12:56,700
- Yikes. You look weird.
- So do you.
337
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,018
That's a lie.
You always look beautiful.
338
00:12:59,036 --> 00:13:00,737
Okay, well, I couldn't sleep
a wink last night,
339
00:13:00,788 --> 00:13:01,855
so at 5:00 in the morning,
340
00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:03,490
I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.
341
00:13:03,524 --> 00:13:05,208
I couldn't decide
what kind of soda I wanted,
342
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,693
so I had them put all six
in one cup.
343
00:13:06,711 --> 00:13:07,694
You know what it tastes like?
344
00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:09,195
- Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm.
345
00:13:09,213 --> 00:13:10,964
- How are you gonna vote?
- I don't know.
346
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,083
If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job,
347
00:13:13,134 --> 00:13:14,134
and if I vote against it,
348
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,702
I might be betraying
my own bill.
349
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,755
It's like I'm floating in
this giant river of ambiguity.
350
00:13:18,806 --> 00:13:21,308
I'm under a warm waterfall
of uncertainty.
351
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,726
Do you just have to pee
real bad?
352
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,311
- Yes.
- Yeah.
353
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,229
I've lost
all of my instincts.
354
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,315
I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
355
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,233
I'm just gonna have to wait,
and when they call my name,
356
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,736
I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.
357
00:13:34,071 --> 00:13:36,356
- Councilman Howser?
- Aye.
358
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,057
Councilman Howser
votes aye.
359
00:13:38,075 --> 00:13:41,161
Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
360
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:44,831
Oh, no.
361
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:51,755
Uhh!
362
00:13:53,925 --> 00:13:56,877
Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.
363
00:13:56,911 --> 00:14:00,547
Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have a re--aah!
364
00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:03,467
Can we take a recess?
365
00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:05,818
Well. your pulse is super-fast,
366
00:14:05,819 --> 00:14:07,986
but that wouldn't be out of
line for someone who drank
367
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,355
and then barfed up
a gallon of sugar water.
368
00:14:10,389 --> 00:14:11,823
Wow, I'm a mess.
369
00:14:11,858 --> 00:14:13,609
Everything's upside-down,
you know?
370
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,393
I mean, when I used to
just work here,
371
00:14:15,411 --> 00:14:16,945
I was always
so sure of myself.
372
00:14:16,996 --> 00:14:18,563
Now everything is different.
373
00:14:18,581 --> 00:14:21,700
Jeez. Do you guys know
how to dissolve super glue?
374
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:23,835
Well, not everything's
different, right?
375
00:14:27,206 --> 00:14:28,257
Right.
376
00:14:28,541 --> 00:14:30,375
Hey, Ellis.
377
00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:37,332
Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra.
Drinkin' coffee.
378
00:14:37,717 --> 00:14:41,286
- What?
- Oh, it's--it's a--
379
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,555
it's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.
380
00:14:43,589 --> 00:14:46,875
Hey, that was really fun
this morning, huh?
381
00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:47,876
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
382
00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:48,977
Yeah, totally.
383
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:52,898
- Uh...
- Oh, wow, look at that.
384
00:14:52,932 --> 00:14:55,867
Did you draw that?
385
00:14:55,902 --> 00:14:57,786
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- No, no, no, no, no.
386
00:14:57,820 --> 00:14:59,237
It's really good.
387
00:14:59,271 --> 00:15:02,774
I mean, you're a--
you're a great artist.
388
00:15:02,792 --> 00:15:04,042
Oh, I can't do this.
389
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:07,546
Look, I don't care
who you're related to.
390
00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:10,115
I'm your boss, and you can't
keep disrespecting me like this.
391
00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:14,619
Hey, man, I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.
392
00:15:14,637 --> 00:15:17,589
- What?
- Her.
393
00:15:17,623 --> 00:15:19,958
April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.
394
00:15:19,976 --> 00:15:23,061
Does everyone think
she's my daughter? Whatever.
395
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:26,565
The point is, she would
never do that to me.
396
00:15:27,399 --> 00:15:28,567
Sorry, Dad.
397
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:37,609
Ron, my rock,
my steady, guiding light.
398
00:15:37,643 --> 00:15:39,411
O Captain, my Captain.
399
00:15:39,445 --> 00:15:41,780
Did you get that soda refill
I asked for?
400
00:15:41,814 --> 00:15:43,198
I need you, Ron, okay?
I'm in big trouble.
401
00:15:43,249 --> 00:15:44,983
I need to go back to
those chambers in 20 minutes,
402
00:15:45,001 --> 00:15:46,201
and I have to cast a vote,
403
00:15:46,252 --> 00:15:47,419
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
404
00:15:47,453 --> 00:15:48,620
I'm sure
you'll figure it out.
405
00:15:48,654 --> 00:15:50,372
Ron, the people
at the public forum
406
00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:51,673
said they might
want to fire me.
407
00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:53,291
So what?
I've tried to fire you.
408
00:15:55,294 --> 00:15:56,928
Okay, Ron, come on.
Be serious.
409
00:15:56,963 --> 00:15:59,631
I was not joking.
410
00:15:59,665 --> 00:16:02,517
Here is your personnel file.
See for yourself.
411
00:16:03,886 --> 00:16:06,671
"Brilliant work."
"Commendation."
412
00:16:06,689 --> 00:16:08,190
"Above and beyond."
413
00:16:08,224 --> 00:16:09,191
Keep reading.
414
00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:12,861
"Request
for termination"?
415
00:16:13,395 --> 00:16:15,013
You tried to fire me once?
416
00:16:15,031 --> 00:16:17,682
No, no, no, no.
I tried to fire you four times.
417
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:23,455
What--you--me--fou--
four--fired--times?
418
00:16:23,489 --> 00:16:26,124
If you need to boot again,
the trash can's on your right.
419
00:16:27,877 --> 00:16:30,545
Hey, man, what'd the doc say?
Everything okay?
420
00:16:30,580 --> 00:16:32,631
The tests and blood work
came back,
421
00:16:32,665 --> 00:16:34,883
and the news is terrible.
422
00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:37,146
They found
423
00:16:37,617 --> 00:16:38,136
nothing.
424
00:16:38,671 --> 00:16:39,554
Nothing?
425
00:16:39,589 --> 00:16:42,874
- Nothing. The silent killer.
- Oh, my God.
426
00:16:42,892 --> 00:16:44,142
Chris, that means
everything's okay.
427
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:46,044
Why weren't you
at practice this morning?
428
00:16:46,062 --> 00:16:47,229
Yeah, you should have
been there.
429
00:16:47,263 --> 00:16:48,546
I finally hit
my minimum requirement.
430
00:16:48,564 --> 00:16:51,049
Minimum champion!
431
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,567
I'm going to die one day,
probably,
432
00:16:52,602 --> 00:16:54,853
without ever having
left my mark
433
00:16:54,887 --> 00:16:56,721
on this silly,
little planet.
434
00:16:56,739 --> 00:17:02,444
I'm gonna die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.
435
00:17:02,495 --> 00:17:03,695
Wow.
436
00:17:03,729 --> 00:17:04,696
It sounds like you're
really going through
437
00:17:04,730 --> 00:17:06,031
some tough stuff
right now.
438
00:17:06,065 --> 00:17:09,701
It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.
439
00:17:09,735 --> 00:17:11,086
All right, well, hey,
440
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,254
I'm gonna go run
some more laps.
441
00:17:12,288 --> 00:17:14,122
Will you time me?
Go.
442
00:17:14,173 --> 00:17:15,424
He's kind of right,
Chris.
443
00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:16,541
You were freaking out
444
00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:18,343
because you were
thinking about Andy
445
00:17:18,377 --> 00:17:20,245
and his family
and how you don't have one.
446
00:17:20,263 --> 00:17:22,130
Every time something tiny
goes wrong,
447
00:17:22,181 --> 00:17:24,433
you spiral like crazy.
448
00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:27,935
Maybe you should see
a therapist.
449
00:17:27,953 --> 00:17:29,687
I hope I'm not out of line.
450
00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:33,741
Au contraire, mon frere.
451
00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:37,612
You are as "in line"
as a person can be.
452
00:17:37,630 --> 00:17:41,466
You are a genius
and an amazing motivator.
453
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,619
What was my time?
454
00:17:44,637 --> 00:17:47,388
- I don't know. 43.
- Yes! New record.
455
00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:52,844
All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.
456
00:17:52,895 --> 00:17:56,481
Run a four-minute mile,
climb Mount Everest.
457
00:17:56,515 --> 00:17:58,633
But before I can do that,
458
00:17:58,651 --> 00:18:02,737
I need to climb
the Mount Everest
459
00:18:02,771 --> 00:18:04,472
of my mind.
460
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:06,958
I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?
461
00:18:06,993 --> 00:18:10,145
The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.
462
00:18:10,179 --> 00:18:12,363
I would say no to something
you wanted to do,
463
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,632
and you'd ignore me
464
00:18:13,666 --> 00:18:15,217
or go over my head
and do it anyway.
465
00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:17,302
You were insubordinate,
stubborn,
466
00:18:17,336 --> 00:18:19,554
a pain in my ass,
and, worst of all, bubbly.
467
00:18:19,589 --> 00:18:21,556
I was a dedicated
public servant.
468
00:18:21,591 --> 00:18:23,892
Right. That was
the worst thing you were.
469
00:18:23,926 --> 00:18:25,477
The point is, I ended up
470
00:18:25,511 --> 00:18:28,063
withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired,
471
00:18:28,097 --> 00:18:29,314
because, ultimately,
472
00:18:29,348 --> 00:18:31,933
I'd rather work with
a person of conviction
473
00:18:31,984 --> 00:18:34,069
than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
474
00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:36,655
Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in,
475
00:18:36,689 --> 00:18:38,190
but I know
with this new job.
476
00:18:38,224 --> 00:18:40,859
I-I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.
477
00:18:40,893 --> 00:18:42,327
No, you haven't.
478
00:18:42,361 --> 00:18:44,496
You may have wandered
into unknown terrain,
479
00:18:44,530 --> 00:18:46,915
but you're still you.
480
00:18:46,949 --> 00:18:48,533
You know what?
481
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,068
Are you gonna pull out
482
00:18:50,086 --> 00:18:52,370
some embarrassing photo of me
from high school?
483
00:18:52,404 --> 00:18:55,841
Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.
484
00:18:57,825 --> 00:18:59,043
Thank you, Ron.
485
00:18:59,078 --> 00:19:02,130
And, listen, as far as
this firing stuff goes,
486
00:19:02,164 --> 00:19:05,199
I won't forget and I will
never forgive you.
487
00:19:05,217 --> 00:19:07,502
There she is.
488
00:19:07,536 --> 00:19:09,971
Here's that report
you wanted, boss.
489
00:19:10,005 --> 00:19:13,224
It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it,
490
00:19:13,259 --> 00:19:14,592
and you only like one.
491
00:19:14,643 --> 00:19:17,878
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.
492
00:19:17,897 --> 00:19:20,348
Okay, I'm sorry I drew
those pictures of you.
493
00:19:20,382 --> 00:19:21,683
I was just messing around.
494
00:19:21,717 --> 00:19:23,651
Look, you may not
take this seriously,
495
00:19:23,686 --> 00:19:25,904
but this job
is important to me.
496
00:19:25,988 --> 00:19:28,039
And by the way,
you should take it seriously,
497
00:19:28,074 --> 00:19:29,941
because I asked you
to come work here
498
00:19:29,959 --> 00:19:31,042
because I thought
you'd enjoy it
499
00:19:31,077 --> 00:19:32,443
and I think you're smart,
500
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:35,747
but you have to have some
semblance of professionalism,
501
00:19:35,781 --> 00:19:39,217
and I need you to give, like,
even a 15% effort.
502
00:19:40,202 --> 00:19:41,869
- 12%.
- 15.
503
00:19:41,903 --> 00:19:43,871
For God's sake, I'm asking
for 15% effort.
504
00:19:43,905 --> 00:19:45,924
It's not supposed to be
a negotiation.
505
00:19:45,958 --> 00:19:50,244
Fine. I'm sorry. 15.
506
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:55,300
City councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?
507
00:19:57,270 --> 00:20:00,572
Aye.
Strongly in favor.
508
00:20:00,606 --> 00:20:03,441
The soda tax measure passes,
3-2.
509
00:20:04,694 --> 00:20:05,994
Yes, I'm very pleased
with my vote
510
00:20:06,028 --> 00:20:07,913
because I voted
my conscience.
511
00:20:07,947 --> 00:20:10,081
And by the way,
she's totally bluffing
512
00:20:10,116 --> 00:20:11,867
about laying people off,
you watch.
513
00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:14,669
Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,
514
00:20:14,704 --> 00:20:15,754
but that is
part of the job.
515
00:20:15,788 --> 00:20:17,438
And who knows,
maybe in the future,
516
00:20:17,539 --> 00:20:19,824
my enemies will become
my friends.
517
00:20:19,875 --> 00:20:21,609
Stranger things
have happened.
518
00:20:21,627 --> 00:20:24,879
Let's keep it down
out there.
519
00:20:28,004 --> 00:20:30,471
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
520
00:20:31,006 --> 00:20:33,557
Ellis hates you,
and he has herpes.
521
00:20:33,591 --> 00:20:36,477
- Hey, what's your problem?
- My problem is you, Smellis.
522
00:20:36,478 --> 00:20:38,062
Ben told you
to finish the website,
523
00:20:38,096 --> 00:20:39,680
and if you don't do it,
I swear to God,
524
00:20:39,731 --> 00:20:41,565
I'm gonna murder you
in your sleep.
525
00:20:41,599 --> 00:20:42,983
I know where you live.
14th street, right?
526
00:20:43,018 --> 00:20:44,485
I'm gonna get a melon baller
527
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:46,403
and scoop your eyes out
and eat them,
528
00:20:46,438 --> 00:20:49,189
and your congressman uncle
is gonna have to buy you a dog
529
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,492
to drag your eyeless face
around.
530
00:20:52,026 --> 00:20:53,443
Do you understand me?
531
00:20:53,477 --> 00:20:56,313
Yes.
532
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,782
Do it.
533
00:21:02,112 --> 00:21:07,112
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