1
00:00:05,342 --> 00:00:06,509
(pilot screams)
2
00:00:10,164 --> 00:00:12,181
(exclaiming)
3
00:00:16,453 --> 00:00:18,404
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:21,008 --> 00:00:22,091
(Barney belches)
5
00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:24,093
(whistle blows)
6
00:00:24,127 --> 00:00:26,128
(yells)
7
00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:35,838
(playing the blues)
8
00:00:35,872 --> 00:00:36,872
(tires screeching)
9
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,342
D'oh!
10
00:00:41,678 --> 00:00:42,645
(grunts)
11
00:00:45,495 --> 00:00:49,495
♪ The Simpsons 24x01 ♪
Moonshine River
Original Air Date on September 30, 2012
12
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,520
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
13
00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:30,092
This is Kent Brockman at the 1st
Annual Springfield Grand Prix,
14
00:01:30,127 --> 00:01:31,894
which, like all our
town showcase events,
15
00:01:31,929 --> 00:01:35,431
is not only poorly planned,
it's horribly executed.
16
00:01:35,465 --> 00:01:37,667
(horns honking)
17
00:01:40,654 --> 00:01:42,755
BURNS: The Making of the Empire
State Building,
18
00:01:42,789 --> 00:01:45,057
Part One: The Basement.
19
00:01:45,092 --> 00:01:46,292
(horns beeping)
20
00:01:46,326 --> 00:01:49,295
(gibbering)
21
00:01:49,329 --> 00:01:51,314
(cat screeching)
22
00:01:51,348 --> 00:01:52,815
(tires screeching)
23
00:01:54,851 --> 00:01:56,852
(screaming)
24
00:01:58,472 --> 00:01:59,639
ALL:
Aw!
25
00:02:01,475 --> 00:02:02,825
Wait for the gap...
26
00:02:02,859 --> 00:02:04,377
Wait for the gap.
27
00:02:04,411 --> 00:02:07,063
Homer, we can buy
Scotch tape tomorrow.
28
00:02:07,097 --> 00:02:08,347
There's the gap!
29
00:02:08,398 --> 00:02:09,732
(all screaming)
30
00:02:09,766 --> 00:02:10,900
Gap's too small!
31
00:02:11,818 --> 00:02:13,936
(screaming)
LISA: Huh?
32
00:02:13,971 --> 00:02:15,354
(French accent):
A peloton?
33
00:02:15,389 --> 00:02:17,390
Apparently, today is
also the final stage
34
00:02:17,424 --> 00:02:19,392
of the Tour De Springfield
bike race.
35
00:02:21,895 --> 00:02:23,629
Hey, that's some
fancy riding.
36
00:02:23,664 --> 00:02:24,530
(clattering)
37
00:02:24,564 --> 00:02:26,866
(yelling, grunting)
38
00:02:32,673 --> 00:02:36,125
Truthfully, today, there were
no losers and no winners
39
00:02:36,159 --> 00:02:39,929
since both finish lines were
tangled up in this unholy mess.
40
00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:41,047
(tapping)
41
00:02:41,081 --> 00:02:42,548
I hear tapping from inside.
44
00:02:48,271 --> 00:02:52,375
to the sounds of Scab Calloway
and his non-union band.
45
00:02:52,409 --> 00:02:53,409
(tapping)
46
00:02:53,443 --> 00:02:55,111
Uh, keep it down in there.
47
00:02:55,145 --> 00:02:57,380
(Taser crackling)
48
00:02:57,414 --> 00:02:59,582
(dance music plays)
49
00:02:59,616 --> 00:03:03,786
So, is this a "date" date or
just a meaningless friend thing?
50
00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:06,038
Meaningless friend thing.
True love super date!
51
00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:08,607
Well, if you two ever get
serious and have a baby,
52
00:03:08,642 --> 00:03:10,659
it'll look
something like this.
53
00:03:14,264 --> 00:03:15,798
Don't listen to Uncle Bart.
54
00:03:15,832 --> 00:03:18,918
Lisa and I will raise
you in a house of love.
55
00:03:18,952 --> 00:03:21,087
We're not having a baby.
56
00:03:21,121 --> 00:03:22,471
Jimmy!
57
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:23,472
Oh, brother.
58
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,573
Let's dance.
59
00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:30,112
Geek leak!
60
00:03:30,147 --> 00:03:32,281
(laughing)
61
00:03:32,315 --> 00:03:36,252
Hey, Bart, at least
I've got a date.
62
00:03:36,286 --> 00:03:37,920
Dance with me, please.
63
00:03:37,954 --> 00:03:39,221
I need to zing my sister.
64
00:03:39,256 --> 00:03:41,723
Okay, but you have
to do your homework.
65
00:03:41,742 --> 00:03:42,724
Just kidding.
66
00:03:42,743 --> 00:03:44,059
I've given up on that.
67
00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:46,946
Just move
your girdle, Yertle.
68
00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:48,581
Hey, Lise, your dance partner
69
00:03:48,615 --> 00:03:51,667
just made the cover
Dorks Illustrated magazine.
70
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:54,253
I know that's a zing,
but still...
71
00:03:54,287 --> 00:03:55,438
the cover!
72
00:03:55,472 --> 00:03:56,956
Now, you listen
to me, Bart.
73
00:03:57,007 --> 00:03:59,291
Milhouse may not
be the perfect date.
74
00:03:59,342 --> 00:04:01,743
Please let there be a "but"
coming, please!
75
00:04:01,762 --> 00:04:03,462
But...
Landed it!
76
00:04:05,065 --> 00:04:07,967
At least I'm with someone
who tries a little too hard
77
00:04:08,001 --> 00:04:09,869
because he really likes me.
78
00:04:09,903 --> 00:04:12,972
Hey, plenty of babes have docked
in Porta de Barto.
79
00:04:13,023 --> 00:04:14,990
Yeah, for about a week.
80
00:04:15,025 --> 00:04:16,659
But as soon as they
get to know the real you,
81
00:04:16,693 --> 00:04:18,928
they departo de Barto.
82
00:04:18,962 --> 00:04:20,312
That's why you're
alone tonight.
83
00:04:22,065 --> 00:04:25,034
Oh my God, is that true?
84
00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:27,102
MOE: Yeah, I'm afraid
Lisa's right, son.
85
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,456
If the late, great Nora Ephron
taught us anything, it's...
86
00:04:30,490 --> 00:04:33,042
Oh! What's my other
inflatable doll doing here?
87
00:04:36,129 --> 00:04:37,129
What? What?
88
00:04:37,164 --> 00:04:39,682
I ain't here with no one.
89
00:04:48,358 --> 00:04:50,326
Oh, man, Lisa's right.
90
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,595
None of these relationships
lasted very long.
91
00:04:52,629 --> 00:04:53,796
BART:
Three days.
92
00:04:53,830 --> 00:04:54,930
One recess.
93
00:04:54,965 --> 00:04:56,565
Half a field trip.
94
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,101
Why did I have to get so needy
at the planetarium?
95
00:04:59,136 --> 00:05:02,204
Boy, if anyone needs me,
I'll be taking a popcorn bath.
96
00:05:02,239 --> 00:05:04,473
It's a thing I read about in
a Men's Health magazine
97
00:05:04,508 --> 00:05:05,674
in a dream.
98
00:05:05,709 --> 00:05:07,643
Dad, can I ask
you a question?
99
00:05:07,677 --> 00:05:10,613
How did you ever get a woman
like Mom to stay with you?
100
00:05:10,647 --> 00:05:13,182
(scoffs) Look in the mirror,
unplanned miracle.
101
00:05:13,216 --> 00:05:14,717
Is that the only reason?
102
00:05:14,751 --> 00:05:17,520
Well, I also keep
things interesting.
103
00:05:17,554 --> 00:05:19,622
MARGE: All right,
who took the microwave?
104
00:05:19,656 --> 00:05:21,056
(laughing):
You see?
105
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:22,992
Hey, what are you looking at?
106
00:05:23,026 --> 00:05:24,460
My ex-girlfriends.
107
00:05:24,494 --> 00:05:26,362
Aw, boy, I feel for you.
108
00:05:26,396 --> 00:05:27,830
Nobody likes to be rejected
109
00:05:27,864 --> 00:05:30,733
and it never gets easier,
until you can drink.
110
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:32,835
Because then you can express
your unfiltered feelings
111
00:05:32,869 --> 00:05:34,904
by drunk dialing.
112
00:05:34,938 --> 00:05:35,971
Observe.
113
00:05:36,006 --> 00:05:37,139
(slurring):
Hey, it's me again.
114
00:05:37,174 --> 00:05:39,341
He's there, isn't he?
115
00:05:39,376 --> 00:05:41,143
Well, I hope this
doesn't sound weird,
116
00:05:41,178 --> 00:05:43,145
but I'm inside your closet.
117
00:05:43,179 --> 00:05:46,665
Um, that's awesome, but I think
I'll visit my ex-girlfriends
118
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:48,701
and prove they still like me.
119
00:05:48,735 --> 00:05:51,003
(cell phone rings)
120
00:05:51,037 --> 00:05:52,004
HOMER:
Hey.
121
00:05:52,038 --> 00:05:53,455
It's me.
122
00:05:53,490 --> 00:05:55,174
I was thinking about you.
123
00:05:55,208 --> 00:05:58,460
It's your birthday in like,
three, four months?
124
00:05:58,495 --> 00:06:01,497
Would it be weird
if I threw you a party?
125
00:06:01,531 --> 00:06:02,498
(knocking)
126
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,518
Eat my shorts!
127
00:06:05,552 --> 00:06:06,752
Drop dead.
128
00:06:06,786 --> 00:06:09,838
Eat fist, jerk.
129
00:06:09,873 --> 00:06:12,708
You've got a lot of nerve
showing up here...
130
00:06:12,742 --> 00:06:15,077
and not giving
me a kiss.
131
00:06:15,111 --> 00:06:16,712
Inappropriate!
132
00:06:16,746 --> 00:06:18,013
I miss you.
133
00:06:18,048 --> 00:06:19,615
Stalker!
134
00:06:19,649 --> 00:06:21,500
Save me.
135
00:06:21,535 --> 00:06:24,203
(rooster crowing)
136
00:06:24,237 --> 00:06:25,888
Mary Spuckler,
137
00:06:25,922 --> 00:06:27,556
you're my last chance.
138
00:06:27,574 --> 00:06:30,359
She's pretty cute
for Cletus's daughter.
139
00:06:30,393 --> 00:06:32,945
Yeah, she liked to drink milk
as a kid instead of white paint.
140
00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:36,682
Is you one of my kids?
141
00:06:36,716 --> 00:06:37,850
No, sir.
142
00:06:37,884 --> 00:06:38,884
Prove it.
143
00:06:38,919 --> 00:06:39,919
A, B, C...
144
00:06:39,953 --> 00:06:41,186
All right.
All right.
145
00:06:41,221 --> 00:06:42,888
You convinced me, Einstein.
146
00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:43,889
What you want?
147
00:06:43,924 --> 00:06:45,190
Is Mary here?
148
00:06:45,225 --> 00:06:47,393
I'm afraid Mary
done run off.
149
00:06:47,427 --> 00:06:49,361
We knows not where.
150
00:06:49,396 --> 00:06:50,396
Dadgummit.
151
00:06:50,430 --> 00:06:51,964
Do you think she still likes me?
152
00:06:51,998 --> 00:06:54,133
Um, hey, Brandine!
153
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:56,435
Does Mary still
like this boy?
154
00:06:56,469 --> 00:06:59,305
I don't know what
that girl likes anymore.
155
00:06:59,339 --> 00:07:02,575
She ran away after we engaged
her to Old Man Wellbottom.
156
00:07:02,609 --> 00:07:04,743
WELLBOTTOM: And I was gonna be
a good husband, too!
157
00:07:04,778 --> 00:07:06,979
If'n I ever get
out of this well.
158
00:07:07,013 --> 00:07:08,881
All right.
All right now.
159
00:07:08,915 --> 00:07:10,215
That's enough
out of you.
160
00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:11,550
WELLBOTTOM:
But I just--
161
00:07:12,652 --> 00:07:15,454
Oh, I can't believe
she ran away.
162
00:07:15,488 --> 00:07:17,072
And this isn't helping.
163
00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:18,741
I better switch
to the hard stuff.
164
00:07:18,775 --> 00:07:19,942
Hey, Dubya.
165
00:07:19,976 --> 00:07:22,344
I know where
my sister run off to.
166
00:07:22,379 --> 00:07:24,113
New York City.
167
00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:25,347
New York?
168
00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:27,316
That's where
Sesame Street is.
169
00:07:27,350 --> 00:07:30,653
Do you ever wonder what happens
to Oscar on garbage day?
170
00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:32,855
Yup, New York.
171
00:07:32,889 --> 00:07:34,456
The big something.
172
00:07:34,491 --> 00:07:36,025
This here's her address.
173
00:07:36,059 --> 00:07:37,109
Good luck!
174
00:07:44,270 --> 00:07:47,005
I don't know if we
should be up here, Bart Simpson.
175
00:07:47,039 --> 00:07:48,840
BART:
And why is that?
176
00:07:48,874 --> 00:07:50,341
(wood cracks, Bart yells)
177
00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:52,176
'Cause the floor ain't finished.
178
00:07:52,194 --> 00:07:55,430
Daddy just covers things with
hay and says they're done.
179
00:07:58,551 --> 00:08:01,786
Mom, can we go to New York to
find this girl I used to know?
180
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:03,371
Bart, that's sweet,
181
00:08:03,405 --> 00:08:06,574
but we'd need
airplane money, hotel money...
182
00:08:06,609 --> 00:08:09,677
And $500 for Yankee tickets,
which turn out to be bogus.
183
00:08:09,712 --> 00:08:11,179
Well, don't buy 'em.
184
00:08:11,213 --> 00:08:13,181
But they're playing
the Purple Sox.
185
00:08:13,215 --> 00:08:15,500
Come on, Dad,
you love New York.
186
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:17,418
Now, that your two least
favorite buildings
187
00:08:17,469 --> 00:08:20,038
have been obliterated: Old Penn
Station and Shea Stadium.
188
00:08:20,072 --> 00:08:21,856
Lousy, outdated relics!
189
00:08:21,891 --> 00:08:24,225
Boy, do you remember
what happened
190
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,544
the last time
we went to New York?
191
00:08:26,579 --> 00:08:27,979
(cool jazz playing)
192
00:08:31,216 --> 00:08:33,384
Keep your meat hooks off
my sister Marge or my goons
193
00:08:33,402 --> 00:08:35,186
will do a soft show
on your solar plexus.
194
00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:37,338
You're dead, J.J.
Get yourself buried.
195
00:08:37,373 --> 00:08:39,340
Tough cookie, huh, well, watch
me take a bite out of ya.
196
00:08:39,375 --> 00:08:41,476
I'm about to go out shooting
and you just said who.
197
00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:42,810
That's some lip
you got on you.
198
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,078
How'd you like me to stretch it
like a rubber band
199
00:08:44,113 --> 00:08:45,480
and snap you into last week?
200
00:08:45,514 --> 00:08:48,800
You're selling milk, J.J.,
and I got a sour stomach.
201
00:08:50,686 --> 00:08:54,188
Homer, that sounds like
The Sweet Smell of Success.
202
00:08:54,223 --> 00:08:56,124
It didn't
feel like success.
203
00:09:00,613 --> 00:09:03,331
Why, ladies? Why?!
204
00:09:03,365 --> 00:09:06,267
Son, you can
dial down the crazy.
205
00:09:06,302 --> 00:09:07,885
Your mother and I talked
about it,
206
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,554
and we found a way
to get to New York.
207
00:09:09,588 --> 00:09:11,389
It's all set, boy.
208
00:09:11,423 --> 00:09:14,292
To save money,
we're swapping houses.
209
00:09:14,326 --> 00:09:16,928
But don't the people wreck your
house when they stay in it?
210
00:09:16,962 --> 00:09:18,930
I didn't say
I swapped our house.
211
00:09:20,532 --> 00:09:21,733
Yeah, how ya doing?
212
00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,167
We're staying here
for two weeks.
213
00:09:23,202 --> 00:09:24,969
Lord, you're testing me,
aren't you?
214
00:09:25,004 --> 00:09:26,371
Yeah, keep talking
to your friend up there.
215
00:09:26,405 --> 00:09:27,639
We'll be doing it
on your bed.
216
00:09:27,673 --> 00:09:29,824
New York style.
217
00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:43,338
Look at this place.
218
00:09:43,389 --> 00:09:44,522
Things have certainly changed
219
00:09:44,556 --> 00:09:47,091
since our ancestor
Fievel came here.
220
00:09:47,126 --> 00:09:48,893
Fievel was a mouse
in a movie.
221
00:09:48,927 --> 00:09:51,262
Yes, and now look at us.
222
00:09:51,296 --> 00:09:52,497
Only in America.
223
00:09:52,531 --> 00:09:55,133
MAN: Khlav Kalash!
Get your Khlav Kalash!
224
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:59,137
Oh, geez, not this guy with
his stupid little pushcart.
225
00:09:59,139 --> 00:10:01,839
50,000 square feet, huh?
All Khlav Kalash!
226
00:10:01,874 --> 00:10:03,107
Used to be bookstore.
227
00:10:03,142 --> 00:10:04,175
(laughs)
228
00:10:04,209 --> 00:10:05,176
Books.
229
00:10:05,210 --> 00:10:07,011
Come on,
let's go find Mary.
230
00:10:07,046 --> 00:10:08,813
This is the address
her brother gave me.
231
00:10:08,847 --> 00:10:11,149
Can't Dad take Bart while
we seek out culture?
232
00:10:11,183 --> 00:10:12,917
You do that.
233
00:10:12,951 --> 00:10:15,620
You know you're
missing your clothes?
234
00:10:15,654 --> 00:10:17,188
I thought this was
just a dream.
235
00:10:17,190 --> 00:10:19,123
, man!
236
00:10:27,966 --> 00:10:29,600
All right, I'll spring
for a cab.
237
00:10:29,635 --> 00:10:32,670
Much better.
238
00:10:32,705 --> 00:10:34,171
CABBIE:
Here we are.
239
00:10:34,189 --> 00:10:36,574
Anything you leave in a cab
you'll never see again.
240
00:10:38,143 --> 00:10:40,111
(snoring quietly)
241
00:10:41,313 --> 00:10:42,480
Hey!
242
00:10:42,514 --> 00:10:45,299
Oh, uh, oh, thank God
you woke up.
243
00:10:46,802 --> 00:10:47,935
(doorbell buzzing)
244
00:10:51,073 --> 00:10:53,941
Oh, I guess my search
for true love is doomed.
245
00:10:53,976 --> 00:10:56,611
You've learned a very
valuable life lesson, boy.
246
00:10:56,645 --> 00:10:58,546
Which is that love
doesn't exist,
247
00:10:58,580 --> 00:11:02,350
except briefly between a man
and a woman before marriage.
248
00:11:02,384 --> 00:11:05,319
After that, it's just hanging
out with someone who kind of
249
00:11:05,354 --> 00:11:08,356
hates you but you can't get it
together to leave.
250
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:10,858
I'll get us some ice cream.
251
00:11:13,362 --> 00:11:15,096
What's the matter, darling?
252
00:11:15,147 --> 00:11:17,081
Thanks for asking, Duchess.
253
00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:20,068
I'm sitting here waiting for a
girl that's never gonna show up.
254
00:11:20,102 --> 00:11:21,069
What makes you so sure?
255
00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:22,804
Girls don't like me.
256
00:11:22,838 --> 00:11:25,306
I don't really like them yet
either, but I think I'm gonna.
257
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:27,208
There's a storm
a-brewing down there.
258
00:11:27,242 --> 00:11:29,644
Well, there's a girl
a-standin' right here.
259
00:11:29,678 --> 00:11:31,179
It's me, Mary.
260
00:11:31,213 --> 00:11:33,848
Wow, what are you
doing for money?
261
00:11:33,882 --> 00:11:37,385
Well, it's not very steady
and I'm kind of ashamed.
262
00:11:37,419 --> 00:11:39,587
I'm a featured player on
Saturday Night Live.
263
00:11:39,621 --> 00:11:42,256
DON PARDO:
Mary Spuckler!
264
00:11:42,291 --> 00:11:44,058
Aw, I'm lying.
265
00:11:44,093 --> 00:11:46,094
My whole life here
is a bunch of lies.
266
00:11:46,128 --> 00:11:48,362
I'm just a writer
with a performing option.
267
00:11:48,397 --> 00:11:50,865
Let's talk about something else.
268
00:11:50,899 --> 00:11:52,900
Something nice.
269
00:11:55,404 --> 00:11:58,372
So, this is basically
what we can afford.
270
00:11:58,407 --> 00:12:01,375
Okay, second balcony, partially
obstructed view,
271
00:12:01,410 --> 00:12:03,444
no bathroom privileges
and you must stipulate that,
272
00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:05,880
in emergencies, you can
change a spotlight shell.
273
00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:08,883
Well, at least I'll be able to
say I went to a Broadway show.
274
00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:10,284
You're not allowed
to say that.
275
00:12:10,319 --> 00:12:12,120
Oh, forget it.
276
00:12:12,154 --> 00:12:14,021
So, Bart Simpson,
did you really come
277
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:17,525
all the way here
just to see me?
278
00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:18,526
Yeah.
279
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,927
Plus, I thought I might get
280
00:12:19,962 --> 00:12:21,329
to see an air conditioner
fall on someone's head.
281
00:12:21,363 --> 00:12:22,530
But I guess that
never really...
282
00:12:22,564 --> 00:12:23,898
HOMER:
D'oh!
283
00:12:23,932 --> 00:12:25,800
Ow! What was that?!
Is that your father?
284
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,485
Bart, I want to see you again,
285
00:12:27,519 --> 00:12:29,887
but I don't want a grownup
taking me back.
286
00:12:29,922 --> 00:12:32,273
Meet me at the high line
tomorrow.
287
00:12:32,307 --> 00:12:34,225
Keep my secret!
288
00:12:34,259 --> 00:12:35,426
You little!
289
00:12:35,460 --> 00:12:37,979
Where's that ice cream?!
290
00:12:38,013 --> 00:12:39,981
Just once, I'd like your father
291
00:12:40,015 --> 00:12:42,183
to be on a jumbotron
for something good.
292
00:12:42,217 --> 00:12:44,051
HOMER: Damn you
and your fluted neck!
293
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:50,044
So, what did you do
with your dad?
294
00:12:50,079 --> 00:12:52,163
We're safe because you have
to climb steps to get up here.
295
00:12:52,198 --> 00:12:54,332
(Homer groans)
296
00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:55,400
Can't move?
297
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:58,570
No.
298
00:12:58,604 --> 00:13:01,489
I thought there was no crime
in New York anymore.
299
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:03,591
Giuliani!
300
00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:05,827
Gimme some news
of Springfield.
301
00:13:05,861 --> 00:13:07,595
They let Sideshow Bob out
of prison again.
302
00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:09,230
(train horn blows)
303
00:13:09,265 --> 00:13:11,833
Huh, didn't know they
still ran those trains.
304
00:13:11,867 --> 00:13:13,601
How's your momma
and your sister?
305
00:13:13,636 --> 00:13:15,770
Trying to find high culture
at low prices.
306
00:13:15,805 --> 00:13:17,505
No, Lisa!
307
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:20,575
If you click that turnstile,
it'll blow our budget!
308
00:13:20,609 --> 00:13:22,343
Aah!
Whaah!
309
00:13:22,378 --> 00:13:24,712
Well, without them around,
310
00:13:24,747 --> 00:13:27,215
you and I can walk through
the city holding hands,
311
00:13:27,249 --> 00:13:28,683
just like the menfolk do.
312
00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:30,718
I could listen
to your twang all day.
313
00:13:30,753 --> 00:13:32,520
Would you care
to hear it in song?
314
00:13:32,555 --> 00:13:34,088
'Cause I wrote one 'bout you.
315
00:13:34,123 --> 00:13:35,690
Can I do a rap
in the middle of it?
316
00:13:35,724 --> 00:13:38,526
Or you could just listen.
317
00:13:38,561 --> 00:13:40,762
Sir, may I borrow
your guitar?
318
00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:42,797
Sure, sure. It's the case
that makes money.
319
00:13:48,604 --> 00:13:52,574
♪ A boy I knew
turned up again ♪
320
00:13:52,608 --> 00:13:55,810
♪ Kind of liked him
way back when ♪
321
00:13:55,845 --> 00:13:59,147
♪ Chased him round
the livestock bend... ♪
322
00:13:59,181 --> 00:14:00,131
(rapping):
Rolling on my skateboard,
323
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,633
pimping like a drug lord...
324
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:04,636
♪ Well I'm on the cusp
of womanhood ♪
325
00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:06,137
♪ And I like a boy ♪
326
00:14:06,172 --> 00:14:08,173
♪ That ain't no good
at nothin' ♪
327
00:14:08,207 --> 00:14:10,942
♪ 'Cept making me smile ♪
328
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:12,827
♪ That's Bart. ♪
329
00:14:12,862 --> 00:14:15,730
♪ I thought my old ways
I had shed ♪
330
00:14:15,764 --> 00:14:18,266
♪ But I sure missed
his cylinder head ♪
331
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,970
♪ Now that boy
has a-come to me, oh, yes ♪
332
00:14:23,706 --> 00:14:26,774
♪ B-A-R, now where's that T? ♪
333
00:14:26,809 --> 00:14:29,444
♪ Where is it?
I don't know ♪
334
00:14:29,478 --> 00:14:33,848
♪ Oh, that's Bart. ♪
335
00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:38,253
I really like you,
Bart Simpson.
336
00:14:40,139 --> 00:14:41,422
CLETUS: I've come
to take you back, Mary.
337
00:14:41,457 --> 00:14:43,458
Daddy?
338
00:14:43,492 --> 00:14:47,795
Sorry, honey, your mother misses
you but she just can't say it.
339
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:50,365
That's 'cause the donkey
busted her jaw.
340
00:14:50,399 --> 00:14:51,532
She'll be fine.
341
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:52,867
Your mother too.
342
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:58,171
All right,
Broadway's too expensive,
343
00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,523
the museums are over-curated,
344
00:14:59,558 --> 00:15:01,358
But Shakespeare in the Park
is tonight
345
00:15:01,393 --> 00:15:02,693
and the tickets are free.
346
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:14,205
(sighs)
347
00:15:16,508 --> 00:15:20,094
Get your cuckold's horns,
neck ruffles, Yorik skulls!
348
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,046
I'll take
a cuckold's horn!
349
00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:27,384
It works!
350
00:15:27,419 --> 00:15:29,720
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an announcement.
351
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:33,373
Lad-ies and gen-tle-men,
I have an an-nounce-ment--
352
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,993
(gasps)
That's not iambic pentameter!
353
00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:38,262
I'm afraid that tonight's
show has been cancelled.
354
00:15:38,296 --> 00:15:40,097
Huh? Why?
Wherefore?
355
00:15:40,131 --> 00:15:43,200
The Baldwin brothers, who were,
uh, playing the Monague family
356
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,451
and the Sheen/Estevez clan,
357
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,270
our Capulets, have quit
the production.
358
00:15:46,304 --> 00:15:48,873
You guys suck at acting and you
ate all the potato salad.
359
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,625
No, you suck at acting and
it's first come, first serve!
360
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,060
I made that potato salad!
361
00:15:53,094 --> 00:15:55,729
Well, uh, idiot, it says
Zaybar's on the package!
362
00:15:55,764 --> 00:15:57,298
He works at Zaybar's.
363
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,866
We all work at Zaybar's.
364
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,601
I'm so sorry.
365
00:16:00,635 --> 00:16:03,137
You came to see Romeo and
Juliet, not feuding families.
366
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:06,206
Uh, the long, slow line to leave
the theatre forms on the left.
367
00:16:06,241 --> 00:16:07,608
(crowd grumbling)
368
00:16:07,642 --> 00:16:10,611
Aw, and we have to
walk by a drum circle!
369
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:14,198
Faster, man!
More annoying!
370
00:16:14,232 --> 00:16:16,083
Not so fast!
371
00:16:16,117 --> 00:16:18,953
We came for Shakespeare and
we're gonna see Shakespeare.
372
00:16:18,987 --> 00:16:20,754
Anyone who wants
to be in this,
373
00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:22,806
grab a doublet
and meet me backstage!
374
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:25,643
Is there, mayhaps, a bit
of business for me?
375
00:16:25,677 --> 00:16:27,745
I was thinking amateurs only.
376
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,814
Well, my only
professional job was playing
377
00:16:30,849 --> 00:16:33,601
a nefarious hot dog
in an ad for Taco Bueno.
378
00:16:33,635 --> 00:16:35,469
(sniffs)
You fresh-made tacos will never
379
00:16:35,503 --> 00:16:38,772
defeat pre-boiled hot dogs!
380
00:16:38,807 --> 00:16:39,974
(laughing)
381
00:16:40,008 --> 00:16:43,243
Please, I owe
Yale Drama School $200,000.
382
00:16:43,278 --> 00:16:44,378
They keep calling my mother.
383
00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:45,930
Fine! You're in.
384
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:48,866
I must warn you, I have
crippling stage fright.
385
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:51,235
Oh, for the love of God!
386
00:16:54,606 --> 00:16:57,141
MARGE: For never was
a story of more woe
387
00:16:57,175 --> 00:17:00,244
than this of Juliet
and her Romeo.
388
00:17:01,546 --> 00:17:04,248
Our search for culture
is thus concluded,
389
00:17:04,282 --> 00:17:07,001
For the Bard of Avon
is well suited
390
00:17:07,035 --> 00:17:10,104
to a crowd
with every cell phone muted.
391
00:17:10,138 --> 00:17:12,539
Geez, I can't stop
talking like this.
392
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,041
Hey, don't ever stop!
393
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,677
Because, tonight,
we made it in New York.
394
00:17:16,711 --> 00:17:18,646
Those the people who
took over the theatre?
395
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,982
Pepper spray and power wash--
the New York hug and kiss.
396
00:17:29,207 --> 00:17:31,041
Now, Mary, you listen to me.
397
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:33,644
I'm one-third your father and
you're gonna come back.
398
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,145
If y'all will excuse me,
399
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,715
I gotta freshen up
for the ride home.
400
00:17:37,749 --> 00:17:41,952
Enjoy your fancy-schmancy
in-house for the last time.
401
00:17:43,655 --> 00:17:45,122
Psst!
402
00:17:45,156 --> 00:17:46,557
Um, I've got to go.
403
00:17:46,591 --> 00:17:47,791
Go where?
404
00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:49,293
Uh, well,
since we're here,
405
00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:51,795
I'm gonna go try to get
Al Roker's autograph.
406
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:53,297
Here you go, little fan.
407
00:17:53,331 --> 00:17:54,798
Killer storm on the way.
408
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:58,902
(nervous laugh)
Um, I gonna go try to sell this.
409
00:17:58,937 --> 00:18:00,137
I'll buy it back.
410
00:18:00,171 --> 00:18:01,271
(groans)
411
00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:06,210
Goodbye, Bart,
and don't worry,
412
00:18:06,244 --> 00:18:08,045
there'll be other
Mary Spucklers,
413
00:18:08,079 --> 00:18:12,816
including my sisters Mary Zeke
and Mary Not Quite Right.
414
00:18:12,851 --> 00:18:14,251
CROWD:
Aw!
415
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,474
(train horn blows)
416
00:18:20,508 --> 00:18:23,444
Bart, if any girl tries
to fix you, let 'em,
417
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,646
because you got a couple
of big problems.
418
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,981
But mostly, you're great!
419
00:18:32,103 --> 00:18:33,604
Boy, you tell me
where Mary's gone!
420
00:18:33,638 --> 00:18:35,239
I can't.
421
00:18:35,273 --> 00:18:39,209
Boy, you squeal like a piggy
for the hillbilly man.
422
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,644
I can't because
Mary's the girl
423
00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:42,312
that proves that girls
can like me.
424
00:18:42,347 --> 00:18:44,615
And she wouldn't like me
anymore if I gave her up.
425
00:18:44,649 --> 00:18:46,316
So I won't,
even if you torture me
426
00:18:46,351 --> 00:18:47,901
like you do
the English language.
427
00:18:47,936 --> 00:18:50,571
Well, if that ain't
aren't the isn't.
428
00:18:50,605 --> 00:18:54,942
(sighs) I guess I just gotta
let Mary find her own way.
429
00:18:54,976 --> 00:18:57,828
Come on, let's head on back
to Springfield.
430
00:18:57,862 --> 00:19:01,665
Uh, one on-getter for the
clickity clack, please.
431
00:19:06,921 --> 00:19:09,690
You miss her,
don't you, son?
432
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,526
You want a picture of her
for your wallet?
433
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:16,029
Oh, she's somewhere
in B-3.
434
00:19:16,064 --> 00:19:18,098
Thanks, man.
435
00:19:18,133 --> 00:19:19,967
Aw, look at that.
436
00:19:20,001 --> 00:19:22,469
My little guy's
finally realizing
437
00:19:22,504 --> 00:19:25,572
how complicated grownup
feelings can be.
438
00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:28,776
Well, at least it didn't end
as bad as Romeo and Juliet.
439
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:29,810
No kidding.
440
00:19:29,844 --> 00:19:31,445
I saw your reviews.
441
00:19:31,479 --> 00:19:33,113
(snickering)
Hey!
442
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,948
I specifically said,
no critics!
443
00:19:34,983 --> 00:19:36,783
This is outrageous!
444
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,369
(gasps)
Ooh, but they like .
445
00:19:39,404 --> 00:19:43,404
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
446
00:19:46,661 --> 00:19:48,294
I hope you enjoyed
the show tonight.
447
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,463
And if you're worried about
when the air conditioner
448
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,600
fell on my head,
rest assured it was a stunt man,
449
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:56,620
and his family is being
well taken care of.
450
00:19:56,654 --> 00:20:00,523
But we're here to ask if you
have an idea for a couch gag.
451
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,443
The best submission will be
animated and appear on the show.
452
00:20:03,477 --> 00:20:05,595
Do we screw them
on the credit?
453
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:09,933
No! For details,
log on to TheSimpsons.com.
454
00:20:09,967 --> 00:20:11,584
I'm submitting mine now.
455
00:20:13,521 --> 00:20:14,838
(all laughing)
456
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:56,913
Shh!